A Joyous Life

Daddy God

2011-10-05T11:36:00.002-07:00

This past Sunday our pastor had a great message. What I got out of it is that God does not pick and choose who can come to Him, but has an open lap for all of us no matter the stage we are in.

Our pastor gave us a great picture. He told us about a video done in black and white of John Kennedy. The video had a section in it where they were filming two young children playing on the front lawn of the White House. Then the video followed as the children got up and ran in to the front door of the White House. They ran right past secret services, ran up and down halls, past guards standing with serious business faces. Past the CIA. Right in to the Oval Office. Ran around the desk and jumped right up in to their Daddy's lap.
He said that this is what God is like. That we can run right past any obstacles, nothing stopping us and we can run right up and sit ourselves on our Father's lap. Pretty cool if you ask me.

I sat and closed my eyes, envisioning this. But the desk was gone. I was a little girl in a pretty pink frilly dress. I have sweet little white dress shoes on, white stockings. My hair is down and held back with a thin pink satin ribbon tied around my head. I am playing peacefully but then all of a sudden I just wanted a hug. So I got up and ran up the steps of my Father's house. Ran past dark figures, ran past enemies, ran past each haunting room in to my Father's throne room. There sitting in a big comfy arm chair was my Daddy with His arms outstretched. No desk in front of Him. He was waiting for me. With a big smile He says, "Hello pretty princess!" I run to Him and He scoops me up like it is no effort at all. I put my head against His chest as He wraps His strong arms around me. I whisper, "Hi Daddy" as He kisses the top of my head.

My dad died when I was five. Mom remarried when I was 8, divorced when I was 10 then remarried another man shortly after that. I don't ever remember having the freedom to jump up on a lap and being able to be held. Sure it may have happened but it is not in my memory. This vision that I had is one I would love to have as a warm memory. I long to feel like I am safe and held in someone's arms.
That Sunday I felt like that again. While standing to be prayed for I just stayed on His lap. I let the tears silently fall this time. There was a thought of feeling like an idiot but then I remembered that I am in God's house and I will not be judged. I let myself feel the hurt, the pain and the longing of Daddy's arms around me. When my pastor was praying my eyes were shut just trying to soak in the moment. Then my pastor said, "Feel the love of Daddy God". I started to cry a bit harder.

Daddy.
Daddy God.
The God of the universe wants to be my Daddy.
The creator of all things; the vast skies, the deep sea, the biggest trees, the smallest trees, the creator of all wanted me.
He wants to love me. He wants me to run to Him. He wants to hold me. This was a feeling I hadn't had in a long time. To feel it at that moment was refreshing and like a tall cool drink to my soul.
Daddy loves me.

He loves you too.

No matter what I have done, no matter what darkness lurks around the corner, no matter who stands with weapons drawn against me I can run to Him, leap up on to His lap and put my arms around Him with love.
I just have to get up.

Sometimes I feel too knocked down to even move and that is when I can feel Him pick me up in His arms and hold me. As I stare limp in pain He shushes me and sings me a lullaby.

I am so thankful for the vision our pastor gave us. The vision that warmed my heart and let the tears fall that needed to so badly let loose.
How cool is it that there is no obstacle too big for our Daddy God. That we can just run to Him and He is there with open arms.

Thank you Daddy.

Thankfulness

2011-05-09T09:02:00.001-07:00

Thank you.

two little words that can make someone's day. I know that when I am truly thanked it makes me smile. Something about knowing how appreciated someone is that can just lift your spirits. Thank you can be two words to show how you are feeling in your heart.

Yet I find myself struggling with those words right now.

I will be 33 weeks pregnant on Wednesday. 33 weeks in to a pregnancy that in my heart I never ever thought would happen. A pregnancy that I was at one point only dreaming of. Then 18 weeks in to the pregnancy we found out that God had blessed us with a healthy baby girl. Her heart is perfect. She is developing perfect. Which, was a concern because of my anti-depressants and the risks that they could cause to the developing child. For me though the risks of being OFF the meds were greater. So I placed it all in God's hands. His hands are bigger and more capable then my own.

With this pregnancy I am learning more and more about walking in Faith. Feeling the child move inside me reminds me of how big and how great God is. That she is in God's hands. I think about it and cry. I whisper thank you through the tears. But I feel like it just isn't enough. HOW do you thank the God of the universe? Does He laugh at me when I say thank you because the words are so petty to someone so vast and big?

I search my heart for just the right words but nothing comes. All I can do is cry happy tears and thankful tears. All I can say over and over is thank you. It just doesn't seem right. It feels like there must be SOMETHING I can say or do to get across just how thankful I truly am.

I was told that God knows my heart. But I have to be able to find the words to express it. I just have to. Or do I?

Do I just keep walking in faith believing that God knows how deep my gratitude and love runs for Him? How grateful we are for the gift He has blessed us with. How thankful we are that she is healthy, growing and thriving. How thankful that we are with Him protecting her.

I can't wait until the day that I get to hold her in my arms. To see the gift we have been blessed with face to face. Yet I know I will continually struggle to find just the right words. I hope that Thank You will be enough for now. That the tears He sees are full of gratitude and amazement at Him. Although I know there must be MORE I just hold fast to the faith that He does indeed know my heart. He does know how it swells for Him. How much I love Him.

So Father, Father of all creation I stand meekly in front of your throne and say thank you. I offer my heart to you and I thank you.

"Now, our God, (I) give you thanks, and praise your glorious name." 1Chronicles 29:13

Like New

2011-03-13T17:42:00.002-07:00

Laying in bed listening to the birds yesterday morning I found myself smiling. It is a new season and Spring is coming. Hearing the birds sing and coming back to the life around me. Hearing the new songs around me. Seeing life springing up all around.

I laid in bed just listening. Thinking of how all the new life was beginning again around me. Then my little girl squirmed within me. I was smiling about another new life growing and thriving within me.

God was giving me a glimpse of something. I was reminded of the verse, "His mercies are new every morning." Every morning a new season starts. Every morning the slate is wiped clean and He graciously gives us His mercy. Not because we deserve it but because He loves us so much to give us the gift of His love and mercy.

It just amazes me that as life begins around me and within me. Only because He loves us and that is enough for Him.

I am sure this is scattered but my brain is just in awe right now. The new beginnings. Not because we deserve it but because He wants us to experience it.

AMAZING BLESSING

2011-01-31T08:51:00.001-08:00

and miracle!!

we are HAVING A BABY GIRL!!!

taken at 18weeks, 1 day

Excitement growing within

2011-01-27T12:38:00.002-08:00

As my baby grows more and more I am allowing myself to get excited. I feel baby move and kick at me. Knowing that God has blessed me with the being inside.

I had a vision where Jesus was holding a small pink blanket. In this blanket laid a baby. He pulled me closer to Him and we stared at the baby. Jesus whispered, "I have this baby in my hands. It is not in yours, it is in mine and I just ask that you continue to walk in faith and trust for me to take care of this baby that you can't physically hold yet."

I came to peace with it. I felt peace as I fell asleep after the vision.

I just booked a 3D ultrasound appointment for the 12th. A chance to see this precious little one God has blessed us with. To know that this is a healthy boy or girl.

This morning in my reading I came across a great verse. Psalm 25:10, "All the ways of the Lord are loving and faithful." All of them. He is protecting us in love and in faith. I will choose to continue to walking in faith and leaving it to Him. It is hard but it is worth it!

Reflecting

2011-01-22T07:56:00.003-08:00

Yesterday I attended an amazing mans funeral. We celebrated the life of Myron Berg. Myron tragically passed away on December 28th due to a head on motor vehicle collision. His quick thinking spared the lives of his 4 children and beautiful wife.

Sitting at the funeral I was humbled by seeing how many people filled the room. I would say a thousand people for sure. Copies were made of a little flag his youngest daughter made. Who at 7 years old put her artistic talents to work and made a Canucks flag for her dad. We waved them all in remembrance of him.

Of course after the service my mind started going a mile a minute. This man was so in tune with God and his internal compass (as the pastor put it) was pointed straight at God. Got me thinking, where is mine pointed?

I think that maybe 30 people would be at my funeral and that is because they are family or friends. I don't think I have touched or impacted any lives around me. When the pastor said that Myron got to hear the words, "Well done, good and faithful servant" I started to think. What would He say to me? I am pretty dang sure it would not be "well done" or that I "did well". Who have I impacted? Am I an example of Christ? Do I share His love?

How can I share His love when there are more times then not when I struggle to understand it myself? How can I talk about Him when I don't know enough about Him? When I struggle to understand more and feel like I am at a stage where I have to figure it out on my own.

I haven't made a difference and to me that is ok right now. Because being at this funeral and thinking about how there would in no way be this much support for me I wanted to change. I wanted to be one of those people like Myron. That walked in faith and everyone knew it. They knew who he leaned on. They knew he loved his family with all his heart. He was proud of them. They were proud of him. God is proud of him.

So knowing and feeling like God is not proud of me. That I don't make a difference and that God would not say, "well done" to me I feel a flicker inside me wanting to change. Wanting to get the counselling I struggle to make. Wanting to dive in to the Word more.

I realize how fragile life is and I cried while having my hand placed on my ever growing belly. Feeling blessed that even in my struggles and confusion God has given me a gift. And this child will be received with open arms, as it already is. As I hang on to the hope and faith that this will be the one to come to our family and fill the house again. While baby kicks inside of me it reminds me of God's grace. In my time of pain and anger and bitterness with God He still chose to bless us. So although I may not FEEL like an example of His love I can work on it and be the best person God has made me to be.

Myron, you are a wonderful example and I can only hope to impact lives like you have. May you be in Christ's presence and enjoying your time with Him. I remember Myron being excited about our pregnancy. Congratulating us for the good news. What did I do? I whispered, "We aren't telling anyone yet." I do regret that but I know that Myron would not want me to hold on to that. So I give it to God and I thank Him that our lives got to have a taste of the beauty and faithfulness of this amazing man.

Myron, you are loved and missed. May you rest in His presence.

the copy of the flag his seven year old daughter made for him on Christmas. We wave it in your honor Myron.

Moments of clarity

2011-01-17T06:13:00.002-08:00

The claws of depression can be large and dark. Sharp and pulling you in. I have dealt with the depression for only 6 years. I know of people that have dealt with it a lot longer then I have.

Being up since 5:30 again this morning I have been thinking. My teaching over the last couple years has taught me a lot. It has taught me that the depression can pull me under but even though it does God can lift me back up. It doesn't stop the silence that screams out from within my soul. It is a battle but it is worth it.

The things that I have been taught have included the fact that God will protect me. He will hold me up when I fall. That "He will command his angels concerning you to guard you carefully; they will lift you up in their hands, so that you will not strike your foot against a stone." Luke 4:10-11

This came to me this morning. That I will fall, I will stumble, but I have to try really hard to remember that even though I don't FEEL it at the moment God is talking to his angels concerning little ol' me. That I am important enough that God will take the time to give His angels to help me not strike my feet as I fall to the ground and feel like I can't get up. When I feel like I am being dragged through the muck, the dirt and the grime He has his angels with me so that I won't be alone.

Sure it is a painful journey but I have experienced the joy of coming out on the other side of that darkness. The other side of that scary path there is the light that warms my heart. The light that tells me that He will be there even though I don't feel Him.

I can't feel Him right now but at this exact moment it almost feels like the fog has lifted a bit. Just enough to remember the truth. That God loves me and that I am loved by others as well. The tears have been falling and I can't even tell you exactly why. Maybe God wants them to cleanse me. I know this path is not over and the journey will continue.

The voices are mean. The voices are lonely. The voices are dark. I don't feel His warmth right now but am reminded to walk in faith. "Blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed." John 20:29 Reminding myself of this verse I will choose to lean on the truth that I know is real. The truth that although I cannot feel Him, He is here with me. I will walk this darkness out in faith.

This is really hard. Nothing worth it is easy. No one ever said the journey of faith will be an easy one either. God never promised there would be no pain, no grief, no tears, no confusion but at this exact moment I will choose to walk in faith.

It is hard because I feel the dark gripping me and not wanting to let go. That familiar darkness. That familiar pain. That familiar loneliness. I will continue to go step by step and day by day. I will do this on my own, but alas - I am not alone. I just have to let Him in. I have a hard time praying right now and I feel fake about it. I am a sin filled, problematic, fallen child.

I really don't know where I am going with this, except just feeling a SLIGHT bit of peace this morning. Peace within the midst of darkness. Warmth in the midst of the cold. Loved in midst of the pain. Understood by Him, if not by anyone else. Right now I lean on the hope that He will help me through this. That maybe, just maybe He might see that I am alone and don't want to be. I don't want to scream. I wear the mask and continue on my way. Continue on the path that I know will end. Eventually.

I pray that he forgives me for going back and forth. For feeling stuck. For feeling like a failure. Within the battle that is oh so familiar I will struggle and fight to not stay in that familiar place but remind myself of the joy I feel in Him. At this exact moment I remember Him. The Daddy I always wanted. I just hope that he is holding me and won't punish me. The brief moments of clarity lift the fog and bring warmth again.

Silent Screams

2011-01-16T16:18:00.007-08:00

Kind of sounds contradicting doesn't it? How can a scream be silent? Screams are loud and usually make people's heads turn towards the one screaming. But I feel like I am screaming inside but yet am silent through it all.

Why?

It is only because it is my fault. I am not telling anyone. I am not letting anyone in. I feel guilty for feeling the pain and the hurt and frustration that I do when I watch so many around me suffer through harder things then the petty shit on my brain. I feel guilty for wanting to cry and run and scream. My life is blessed so what the hell is my problem? I feel like an ungrateful person. I feel like a forgotten daughter. I feel like a failure.

I have been absolutely blessed with this fifth pregnancy. A pregnancy that is in fact keeping me on my toes but a blessing none the less. A baby that is now at 16 weeks 4 days gestation age. A baby that I have longed to be pregnant with. A baby that I am starting to feel move. I have longed to feel those things again. Through my pain and my anger back in September God had still decided that bless me with this baby. To bless my family with this baby. I don't DARE ask why me for fear it might be taken away out of punishment. I am told though that our God is not like that. Yet here I sit silently in tears. Silently screaming at the top of my lungs. Gasping for breath so that I can bring one more scream out. Yet I don't do it. I silently let it build. I don't let anyone in, not even God. Would He really want to hear the same crap from me? Would He deem me ungrateful and punish me and make me pay?

The last week or so I have silently been trying to battle my depression. There are good days and bad days of course. I almost wonder with the increasingly different changes with my hormones, if maybe my mind can't hang on to the balance anymore. I don't want to increase my meds. So I silently battle.

Today at church I sat by myself. Running on four and a half hours of sleep I fought the tears. Hearing the pain that my pastor is going through with his family. Hearing the pain that a very special church family is going through. All the while thinking that I really don't deserve to be upset. Yet, I cry. I struggle.

I felt like I couldn't even sing the songs. As I would be nothing but a fake. Where is this God, this Father that I knew loved me. Why don't I feel that anymore? Why do I feel like He is no where to be heard or seen. Why do I feel like if I admit this out loud my baby would be snatched from within my womb because I don't believe. I DO really believe but I fight.

Our wonderful pastor ended the service saying a couple things. Some of the things he said were, "God loves you." "God is proud of you." I bawled. I dropped my head in tears. I sat silently screaming and feeling like no one gave a shit. Everyone walked past me and around me. I couldn't feel God although I cried out to Him. Proud of ME? He loves ME? Why? When all I feel like I am doing is being ungrateful. I feel like I am at a breaking point again and I don't like it. I feel like the dark is ever so slowly engulfing me again. I fight as best I can but what good is a fight if no one is there to battle with you? I tell my husband I am tired because I just don't want to worry him or my son. So I silently fight.

During coffee time a dear friend passed me, rubbed my shoulder and said hi. It was all I could do to put on a fake smile and say hi back. I couldn't say hi so I just smiled. Then another dear friend approached me and I put on the act. I put on the laughs and the smiles saying I was great. Saying the baby was good. Yet inside I was stomping my feet and screaming. Yet on the outside I successfully was able to wear my mask again. I looked at her and her eyes pierced in to me and I knew I had to tell her. I had to tell someone. So I just said, "honestly, I am struggling with the depression, so yeah....but it will be fine." Sure, it WILL be fine. But damn it Misty, you have to let people in to fight with you. Yet I won't do it because there are so many other people hurting. So I fight silently.

Sitting there at the end of service while the tears flowed I dropped to my knees just listening to the music. Not daring to get up and ask for prayer. I cried alone. Surrounded by the dark. Surrounded by laughter and people mingling but all I could think was, "suck it up Misty. Put on your big girl panties and wear the mask." So I sat back down and wiped my tears. Breathed a big sigh, got up put on my coat and did what I do best. I ran away. There are a few I want to reach to because they know this dark ugly path I have been on. Maybe just maybe they would care. But I don't even give them the benefit of doubt and I know that this is something I have to walk through on my own. I feel selfish. I feel pathetic. I let the tears fall briefly as I type and each one that drops upon my ever growing belly is like letting out a scream of relief. Then I feel the guilt wash over me again. I should be happy. I am happy. So why do I silently sit here screaming and fighting the darkness that is oh so familiar at this point.

Screaming silently but wanting to secretly let people in.

SILENT SCREAMS

The dark engulfs me and
starts to entangle me in it's
thick, familiar web.
The voice of light seems to
be so distant at this point that
even though I can feel it's
warmth and see it's brightness
I see it getting smaller
and smaller.
I stand wanting to stomp my
feet and cry like a child.
I scream but no sound
can escape my soul.
So I stand there, silently
screaming and putting on a smile
so that no one will know.
God knows yet I won't let
Him in enough so that we
can fight the dark together.
No, I can do this on my
own, even though I know
that I am clearly not supposed to.
The road that has been
so familiar for me in the past
is beckoning for me to come
along it and walk it again.
To turn around, walk down
it's dark and lonely fear
gripping, bumpy surface.
I stand in one spot screaming
from within not knowing
where to turn and what to do.
I am reaching out my hand
to feel Daddy take my own
but where is it?
I can't find it's familiar
warmth and strength.
So as the dark pulls in around
me I stand not knowing what
to do and silently screaming
for help.
Hoping that somewhere, He
will hear me and care. That
someone will care.
Not out of sympathy, but because
they love me and have
walked it with me before.
But for now my throat tightens,
my teeth clench and
my body wretches within.
I put on the mask, wear the
happy face and take another
step, refusing to let the
dark win.
It is all I can do.

"Jesus wept"

2010-12-30T10:10:00.004-08:00

John 11:35 tells us that Jesus wept. He wept over the anguish of a loss.

Lately there have been a lot of losses around me. People I love suffering through betrayal and hurt. People suffering through losing people they love. Those suffering through debilitating illnesses. Before I would find myself getting angry at God, but I am finding right now that I am weeping. It makes me think, is God weeping along with us?

Friends have lost a child recently. A couple days a go another friend died. A victim of a horrible accident, in a second the family lost their father and their husband. All in the blink of an eye. I always have believed that a parent should NEVER ever have to outlive their children. It is so heart breaking to witness any loss. These recent losses got me thinking further. These are God's children. So our Father is outliving His children. Does it make His heart weep? Does it make His heart ache?

I am thankful that in this time of mourning and uncertainty God is with us. I am thankful that we "do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet he did not sin." Hebrews 4:15

So this Father, this High Priest, our Jesus is able to sympathize with us. I find myself in this time doing something much different then I have ever done before. Rather then blaming and yelling at and criticizing God I find myself weeping. Imagining that He is along side me weeping along with me.

During this season of weeping my heart is so sore. It is hard to wrap our heads around and understand this side of heaven all the hurt and pain that each of those I love is going through. But in Faith I will walk believing that Jesus is weeping with us. That He will not abandon us during this time.

"Jesus wept", we are free to do the same, knowing that Jesus understands and He will protect us during this time. Pray with me for peace in the lives of all those hurting. Within the church family, blood family and friend family. Only God knows the reason and it is hard to just pray and feel so helpless. But it is times like this that I wonder, what else CAN I do?

Trusting and Understanding God

2010-10-09T11:02:00.002-07:00

Those, for me, are two of the hardest things I can do. I think a lot of people can find that same struggle.
For me it is fear based. Like I can trust myself to take care of me better then the God of the universe! God is so big that I don't think we will ever be able to understand Him. I think to some small points we get the glimpses of Him. Like how much He loves us. Sure I can see a bit of it but it is actually SO much more then that.

I am reading a book called "I Will Carry You" by Angie Smith. Angie talks about her struggles with God during a time when she has to give birth to her dying child. This book is a hard read for me. As I am sure it would be most people. I would have done the same thing that she did though. Even though the outcome was grim for her daughter she chose to carry her until the time GOD decided to take her home.

As most of you know I have had three early losses. I am telling people that I am fine with only having one child. I am fine that after two and a half years we have not been able to conceive or bring a child to full term and get to love them. I am blessed to have my beautiful 4 year old.
As I watch at a distance I see a family going through the struggle of losing their 4 year old. Watching her die slowly. Then I find myself asking God WHY.

Pregnancy announcements are hard for me. Three in the past two days. Yeah I realize it may sound pathetic to still feel this way but this is me and it DOES matter because it hurts me. It is making me realize that the reason it hurts is because I haven't grieved my babies and the loss of the dreams of a future. But how do I do that?
This morning I found myself just laying in bed crying out to God. Giving Him my hurt, my pain and my tears. Letting my guard down and letting HIM in. He cried with me, He held me and stroked my hair as I fell asleep amongst the tears.

Then when I woke up I could still feel His powerful presence. I went back to the book by Angie Smith. I read a bit then came to the verse that is at the end of her chapter I was on.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-6

I have read this verse before. I have sat and thought about it before. This morning it struck me. "Lean not on your own understanding", hmmm funny because I don't understand why I feel hurt and sorrow and pain. I don't understand WHY we lost three babies. And to us they ARE babies even though the losses were early. I can't wrap my head around the WHY of it all. This morning I am realizing that I am not meant to understand it. I am meant to just trust in Him. That even though my babies went to heaven I will see them one day. That God is good and He has so much more in store for me.
My heart breaks in to a million pieces when I hear about lost pregnancies. Pregnancies that went home too soon. Before we were ready. Children that went home, or are going home, before WE are ready. God is ready for these children, these babies. He holds His hands out to receive them. Knowing that He is with my babies gives me a slight sense of peace. Yes God does "give and take away" but the beauty of it is that even though something is being taken away there is even more beauty that will arise out of the situation.

If I didn't lose my babies, if I didn't end up in the psych ward because of the mental breakdown after the third loss, there is no way I would be on the journey I am on now. I know that I need to let God in and I know that He is waiting for me to open that door, "Here I am! I stand at the door and knock." Revelation 3:20. I will sometimes let that door peek open just a crack and test the waters so to speak. But He doesn't push past me to get in. I slam the door shut and He raises His hand again to knock. He doesn't get tired of knocking. He doesn't get tired of waiting. He is gentle and loving. He is a gentleman in every sense of the word.

So as I find myself spinning in the dark, stuck in a valley I can see His light ahead. I feel His hand slip in to my own and guide me out, making the trek to the hilltop again. There is pain along the way but as the bible once again says, "For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are - yet was without sin." So we have someone who can relate to us in every way because He is GOD. He made us, He loves us and hurts with us. So given that we "can approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace in our time of need." (Hebrews 4:15-16)
Notice what it says there. We may receive MERCY and find GRACE. It doesn't say that we will receive understanding as to WHY these things are happening. But we will be given the grace to accept it. As long as we just put our faith and trust in God.

Trusting God can be hard and it is just a matter of walking it out in faith. The world comes and tries to take over. Our own minds wanting answers get caught up in it all and then we just put ourselves in a spiral.
Although I don't understand WHY today I am going to choose to trust Him. That He really does have good planned for my life and will walk me in all the paths I go down. Guiding me and helping me to go straight. I don't understand. My head knows that this happened for a reason and things continue to happen for a reason but my prayer today is that I can get it in my HEART to understand. I will never be able to fully understand God or His reasons but I can learn to understand that He loves me and has the best intentions for me in the pain of this world. I can learn to trust Him. He walks me down this path. It is bumpy and has smooth moments, tear filled moments and anger moments but He stops with me. He sits with me as I stomp my feet in frustration. As I bang my fists on the ground He doesn't stop me from the emotions but He sits with me patiently understanding as I go through them. As I allow myself to experience the emotions and be weak. He cries with me because I am sad. He hurts with me. I will understand that. In all my weakness my Daddy is holding me and I trust that.

Manure

2010-10-04T07:33:00.003-07:00

It stinks. No one wants to touch it or go near it. It sticks to your shoe. No one wants that on there. Manure is crap. Plain and simple. Crap. No one likes it.

Why am I gone forever and then come back and write about manure?

Because I heard a good point in our sermon yesterday.

"Fruit grows in manure".

Stop and think about that for a second. Farmers use manure to help fruit and other life giving substances to grow. Even cow corn is life giving, for the cows. The manure helps it to grow. Does the food taste like shit? No. It has a wonderful taste. The fruit just bursts with wonderful texture and taste.

Now think about it figuratively.
We all go through shit in our lives. We don't like it. It is hard. It stinks. It is sticky and discouraging. It is a low part and it makes you feel stuck.

As we continue to go through the manure that we are in we grow. We learn to turn to Jesus. The Farmer that will help us grow and strengthen us through the crap. We come out of the other side ripe.

Crap stinks. I, like many others, have been through crap. But I can sit and look at it after and see how God has pulled me through the stink. He pulled me and pruned me and helped me to grow through the situation and got me to the point where I was fruitful to share about Him. It being only Him that could pull me through I can share my experience and show how God works in my life. Through the good, the bad and the ugly.

Life stinks sometimes but God is there. He is pruning us through the crap and walking along side us, stinking along with us so that we grow to be beautiful in Him when it is done.

Keep heart. Even though you are in the middle of the manure God is working. He will help you walk through it and grow. You will come out victorious and beautiful, bursting with the fruit of Him. You WILL come through the growing season, no matter how bleak it is.

So if you are caught in the manure keep walking. Fruit does come from manure.

devotion from today

2010-08-14T11:19:00.000-07:00

Things I Cannot Understand
TGIF Today God Is First Volume 1, by Os Hillman

"Have you ever questioned God's activity in your life? Have you questioned His love for you based on circumstances that came your way? The cross at Calvary answers the love question. He sent His own Son in replacement for your sin. If you were the only person on earth, He would have done the same. His ways cannot always be understood or reconciled in our finite minds. That must be left for a future time when all will be understood. For now, entrust your life to Him completely. Embrace Him in the hard times and the good."

What love is.....

2010-07-27T08:23:00.001-07:00

I think I have always had a problem knowing what love really is.

Strings attached. Approval needed. A pat on the back rather then a hug.
I have been learning something. My view on love was tainted and wrong. Love has no strings attached. It holds you when you are broken. It doesn't hold blame and give guilt. Love, real love, is beautiful.

God has an amazing love for His children. EVERY one of them. The lost, the found, the weak, the strong, the broken and the pieced together. He wipes your tears and holds you when you cry. He accepts the tears and doesn't tell you to toughen up. He tells you, "Child, let it out. I am holding you." He doesn't condemn you for your mistakes, He helps you to work through them and realize that you can get through them and He still loves you. NO strings attached.

It is hard for me to wrap my head around it. Love really can't be THAT simple can it? Forgiveness given when asked, really is it that simple? But it is. It really is. His love that will fill any void. A void that cannot be filled with any type of drug, drink or numbing. When we try to fill that void with something besides God and His love it just feels even more empty.

He holds His hands out to us, waiting for us to run to Him. Wanting to hold us in our pain, cry with us, laugh with us with no expectations. Love is God. When you read the following verse I challenge you to replace the word love with "God". The word it with "He". THAT is what true love is.

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no records of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always loves, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails." 1Corinthians 13:4-8

So cling to real love. The REAL love of Christ. I am so grateful for it and find myself having a hard time believing it is that simple. But it is. Praise God.

percocet

2010-06-11T11:26:00.002-07:00

I have discovered that it is a very dangerous pain drug. I have TMJ on the left side of my jaw. It hurt so bad it sent me to the hospital. I couldn't eat or talk and that is what made Phil say, "That's it....you're going in."

So I went. When it was time to leave they gave me enough percocet for three days. Plus gave me a dose before I left.
That drug is CRAZY! Not only did it take the pain away but it helped me sleep and check out for a while. It made me loopy and everything. But I didn't mind it. I did it at bed time when Phil was home.

But then something started to concern me. I was running out. How can I get more? Can I convince the doctor to give me more? Ummm....HELLO MISTY!!! You are no longer in pain, you don't need it. BUT! I like checking out and the feeling it gives me. Then another knock on the side of the head....HELLO MISTY!! That is addictive behavior.

So I looked it up on the internet and sure enough it can become addictive in as little as one to two doses. WHOA! That scared me.
My family has a history of addictive behavior. I never did drugs or smoked because I was always afraid I would become addicted. Sure enough I was heading down that path. A friend talked me out of it. I fought wanting to get "more" just because. I learned that it is a BIG thing on the street as well.
It is scary that a drug to relieve pain can do that to someone. I won't take it ever again if I can help it. It is scary what our modern medicine can do to people. It got me praying for those that are addicted and in the dark of their addiction. That they feel there is no way out.
I mean I know I wasn't ADDICTED per-say but I think I was catching the warning signs. I am glad I listened. Because I was honestly about to go to the clinic and get more.

Addictions are so hard. I feel for those that have thrown their lives away because of it. That are so webbed in it they don't know how to fight their way out or even if they CAN fight their way out. I have found my heart breaking for addicts lately. I am not sure why as this is a new to me experience. I have found myself wanting to pray for more and more people lately. Which is a good thing.
It just got me thinking how EASILY someone could slip and not even realize it.

4 years old today!!

2010-04-16T06:18:00.001-07:00

at 6:40am my little guy will be 4. How the time has flown. God sure has blessed us with this little miracle. Mommy and Daddy are so proud of you Cooper. You are such a sweet, caring, compassionate, smart little boy.

and this is what a tired, excited little boy who got up at 6am looks like!!

Happy Birthday Cooper!

Feeling Blessed

2010-03-24T13:43:00.001-07:00

and loved.

that is all.

this is a hard journey but one I am really truly ready to make and complete each step as I can. I am blessed during this journey. I am so thankful.

Uprooted and exposed

2010-03-16T10:19:00.003-07:00

Went to a place to get some pictures today. While taking a couple pictures I looked down. To my surprise I saw a little bundle of small daffodils thrown in amongst some thorny bushes. The roots, bulbs and flowers were all exposed. It was like it was just chucked in there like a piece of garbage.

The beauty amongst the thorns.

you know the irony and the symbolism of this really got me. I have been uprooting memories and hurts to try to heal. My inmost life cells to the elements. To the thorns, cold and dark. Yet even though these little daffodils were exposed to the elements they kept growing. They were blooming against all odds. Just thrown in there like garbage.
Kind of gave me some hope that although my roots are being exposed and thrown about God will in turn help me to blossom through this.

I picked these guys up in my hands and carefully put them in the car. I brought them home and planted them in secure ground. Kind of makes me think that our Father God is picking me up in His safe hands. He is going to plant me and root me to grow in Him and prosper.
Even though I am kicking and screaming and scared, I am sure He MUST have a plan in all of this.

So we will see if the daffodils survive. We will see if I survive.

Surgery

2010-03-15T19:19:00.002-07:00

You know I have more then likely talked about this before but bear with me here because it is on my mind once again.

Surgery is painful. It hurts. It scars and sometimes takes a while to heal. I believe God is performing surgery right now. Trying to heal my heart of the bitterness I hold, the unforgiving parts of me, the hatred. The hurt, pain and tears. I have cried so many tears in the last few days that it is absolutely pathetic.

I find myself longing to be held when I cry. Longing to be held and told that it will be ok. Some of you may have had that as children. Some of you may be like me and not remember having any of that. So not remembering any of that, how can I imagine or feel God doing just that?

I want to do this surgery because I know it is good for my heart and my soul and my being. But I am so scared. So alone. So hurt. It is hard to be cut open. Wide open to bleed and be vulnerable. It needs to be closed and stitched to heal but I think right now God is slowly opening it up to reveal the muscles, the arteries and the blood. He poured the blood for us first. But to have my insides stretched out and raw is just painful.

Surgery sucks.

It has to be for the good - right?

the truth is hard to hear

2010-03-14T20:17:00.004-07:00

but then you start to wonder what is truth.

I have always been told I was stupid, ugly, dumb, and idiot and not worthy. Always. I am being told that it is not the truth. But that is so easy to believe. It has been ingrained in my mind since I was little.

Tonight I was told that I am a bit obsessive and overwhelming. That really hurt. The truth does hurt. But I was also told that given that information I will be strong enough to take it and make it work for me. Make me understand more. To calm.

So given both these major things it comes to the point where I start to wonder what do you believe? when do you believe it?

It hurts to know that I am overwhelming to people. It hurts to think of myself so stupid all the time. I can't hear what God is saying. I only hear what I have been told growing up. Man, I need to be completely rebuilt. How could God be pleased with THIS. With me?

the truth for me is that I am a failure. Everything I do I fail. Time to step away for a bit. We will see when I post again. I am enjoying posting again but at the same time I wonder if I overwhelm people.

I don't know where this is going. I don't even know where I am going. Maybe to bed. Honestly the thought of isolating just keeps coming strong. It would be so much easier. This battle is hard....

No one said it would be easy......

2010-03-13T07:34:00.004-08:00

but why does it have to be so damn hard!??!

Listening to praise music this morning Mercy Me's Hold Fast comes on. The line that I keep hearing over and over is "please do not let go, I promise you there is hope. Hold fast, help is on the way."
You know it really makes me wonder if God is trying to tell me to keep holding on. To keep fighting.

I have just felt like giving up and walking away from it all. Thinking that the struggle of NOT being a Christian would be "easier" then being one. But I really love Jesus and I don't want to leave Him. But dang it this sucks monkey butt!!

I have known time and time again that God is the greatest surgeon and healer. The hard part is that the memories are coming up. The memories I don't want to resurface. The memories that I have pushed for so long to keep down. The wall I have built up is being chipped away. The dam I have built against His ever flowing love is losing logs each day.

I am doing a conference that talks about soaking in God. Talks about the Father heart of God. I don't have a father that I can compare that to. I mean, they are talking about me not being able to do anything to lose His love. That He loves me. Last night was particularly hard.
The speaker kept saying "Pappa come, Daddy I am here." and "Daddy come". It was just so odd to hear it coming from a strangers lips. To hear someone else whisper Daddy come. I have a few friends that when praying for me they talk to Daddy. They tell me about Daddy and that is ok because I feel like it is safe on their lips and in their prayers. But this was a stranger and I sat there with me mouth clenched trying not to let my jaw drop.

Last night I was so tempted to run. I thought I sat in a good spot so that I could run if I wanted to. The whole time I am thinking, I have to get out of here. I have to leave. I just felt like I couldn't do it anymore. The tears fell freely. I was ashamed. Then what did God do? There was a pairs exercise. I thought, "WHEW! I can get out of this one", as I saw people pair up. I was totally ok with that. I didn't want to do it anyway because it was hard. I just wanted to be by myself. I was writing in my book to look up and see a lady standing in front of me. She asked if she could sit with me. I said sure. So she stooped down to sit on the floor with me. It wasn't until this morning that I realize it was God. Because that lady STAYED on the floor with me the whole time. I felt like I could no longer run.

The book that I am reading talks about how a woman had asked a pastor if she could just cry on his shoulder. He said you can but I would like to know why. She said it was because her dad died when she was a child and she missed the arms holding her when she was upset. The arms that held her telling her it would be ok. The safe arms.
Oh how I have longed for that! I have longed to just be held and to cry. To feel like I can do that and be safe. I remember in the hospital I did that to a friend. She came in, saw I was upset. Took her jacket off then sat on my bed and pulled me close. I just cried.

Right now in the midst of this heart surgery I have found myself wanting to lean in to people who have been praying for me. To just put my head down on one of their shoulders and just feel safe enough to cry. I am sure that a few of them would "let" me do that but there is a part of me that is afraid to show that vulnerability. How do you ask someone, "Ok, during this prayer session I feel like I just need to cry. How do you feel about me soaking your shoulder with my tears?" I have been too afraid to ask that. There is a part of me that knows if I start I might not be able to stop.

The memories, the struggles. This just seems too hard. I left the conference last night in tears. I couldn't do it anymore. I feel like I just can't go back there. But here I sit, dressed and ready to go. Tears already brimming in my eyes. The pastor there caught me on my way out the door last night and said she was seeing the struggles I seemed to be having. Asked if I was ok. I said yes. She said she could see I wasn't. She asked if we could pray. I was super hesitant. This is NOT in my comfort zone. I don't know this person at all. She put her arm around me tight and prayed. Then she told me to pat myself on the back because although this is hard for me I made it two nights.
I feel like I am failing people if I don't go back. I am failing the person who felt this would be a good thing for me to go to. I am failing my husband because we paid for it. I am failing God and failing myself. I need God's strength.

Why is it that I want to be held and want to cry but I just can't ask to do it. I wish I felt His hands drying my tears. God, this is such a hard heart thing to go through and I really don't think I can do this. But this morning I sit here knowing that God is with me. He has to be right? He must be here right?

This is damn hard and I don't like it. I pray that I can feel the safety of my secret place with Him. I pray that I can get through this. That I can forgive. That I can just be held. This is not easy. But people are telling me that it WILL be for the good. It will work out to God's glory right? Right? It has to. Right?

So this morning I am finding myself just putting one foot in front of the other. Not sure how I will go on. Not wanting to eat because I feel so sick. But choosing to believe that He is here. That He will get me through this. I wish I could just FEEL His arms around me right now. The everlasting Father. There I said it. PLEASE don't leave me. Don't let me down from your safety. Please don't leave. Help me to soften my hard heart and continue to be ever so gentle with this surgery.
I am going to assume the healing has begun. It won't be an easy journey. It won't be painless. HOW am I going to get through this!!!

The Father Heart of God

2010-03-11T09:49:00.002-08:00

Right now I am starting to read the book called "The Father Heart of God" by Floyd McClung Jr.

I read the introduction and was in tears instantly. Boy did that ever frustrate me. My pastor's wife has loaned me the book and she believes that it will help me to understand the Love of God and that He is the ultimate Father. I don't doubt it in my heart that it WILL help. But why am I afraid of it? Afraid of a BOOK!!!

Over and over again I tell myself that fear is not of God. I know for a fact that is a biblical statement. Although I can't quote you the verse right now. I just KNOW that it is in there. It is a common thing said to me as well. I really admire the strength I see in others. The fact that they can just lean on and trust that God is love. That He is a kind and compassionate Father.

With my experiences of "Father's" in my life I don't know how to believe this. Most adults in my life growing up have let me down in some way or another. Been told I was loved but never felt it. It was like it was said because it had to be said in my life.

I have a conference to go to tonight, tomorrow night and Saturday. It is going to talk about the Father heart of God. I am scared. Right now I am trying to think of ways I can get out of it. Trying to think how I can avoid it. How I can run from it. I know this will be hard to go through and I am not sure my heart can handle it. What if I cry? In front of COMPLETE strangers. At least now when I cry in front of people who pray for me they know why. But I am going in to a place of complete strangers.

Last night while praying and talking to God I was crying. I was mad and asked why I am crying why there are so many tears.
God told me, "Because there is so much healing to be done baby."

"Ok Daddy, but I don't want to cry. I am not ready for this. I can't do this. I am so alone in this."

"But you aren't Baby. I am right here. I am sending people in your life to help you in this rocky journey. I am here to dry your tears. To hold you under my wings."

"But I am so weak. I can't do this. I am scared."

"I am here Baby. I am holding you. Trust me."

ok not sure where that came from but it came to me. I WANT to trust God but am afraid to be let down. To be hurt. I am tired of the memories controlling my life. I want "normal" memories. Memories of going to school and riding my first bike etc. I don't want the ones that haunt me now.

I want to trust God. I want to know and understand His heart. I want to believe that He won't leave me and He is the Daddy I have always wanted. That I am Daddy's girl. But I struggle with it. Not understanding. Not knowing what to do. Not knowing where to turn. This is so hard.

So now I sit here thinking about how to get out of tonight. But I think that is the enemy. I am going to do this because I do think it will help. So why is this so damn hard!! sigh....must not run away! Tired of running.

Guarded or Hard?

2010-02-27T10:37:00.003-08:00

As I was praying last night I was begging God for forgiveness. I had to show tough love to someone and I felt horrible for it.

A couple weeks ago God told me that He was healing my uterus and my heart. While praying I starting thinking about my heart. Wondering if my heart was hard or just guarded. I asked God but didn't get a definite answer.

If you have followed my blog you will know that I don't tell people I love them very easily. I think in that aspect it is because I guard my heart from being hurt. We have all been hurt in the past and mine has always been by people that "loved" me.

When it comes to God I am afraid to trust. I am afraid to just let it go. I don't understand how he could honestly love me. How He is not going to just abandon me like every one else in my past. The "father" figures that "loved" me.

My dad died a month after I turned five. So he left us alone. I can only imagine how my mom managed. Then at 10 I remember hiding behind bushes at a friends house watching my dad (step dad that gave us the option of calling him dad or by his first name) put his things in the car and back out of the driveway. Never to return home. Then the next man my mom married was abusive towards her. How can I trust that any man would not abandon me. I guess the whole point is that God is not man. He is God.

I am scared to freely love Him. Fear is not of God, I know that. But given the track history I see why I would feel like this. I know a lot of people would say to just let it go. It is a little hard to just let go of all of that.

So back to the idea of my heart. I fear I am being hard. Maybe God is chiseling away at it. But I wonder then that I am not a good Daughter. Part of my mind tells me that I am just being guarded. I really do love God. Yet I am afraid that He has His back to me and is angry at me. That He just is going to give up on me. I have been told that He is "so good" so it makes me question why I can't see that.

I am praying on this. I want a soft heart for God. I want to let my guard down with Him. I am so scared. I know He is the ultimate surgeon. He will heal my heart and body. However, I wonder if it is only when I let my guard down. God forgive me. Please don't leave.

I want THAT

2010-02-15T13:12:00.003-08:00

I am guilty of it. You probably are too.

Always wanting, not necessarily needing though. I do it. It makes me ashamed but I do it. Wishing I had that beautiful home. Wanting that house. Wanting more then what I have now. Wanting a new car. Wanting a baby.

See a trend here?? Want, want, want. But God tells me He will provide what I NEED. So I am slowly learning to not lean on what I may want but understanding that God will give me what I need.

I found myself wanting again this weekend. I was talking to a friend and I was just in awe. Listening to the way they talked about God, about how He won't leave me. How He loves me SOOO much. I found myself WANTING what my friend had. Love laced every word they spoke. Just utter awe for our Father. You could hear the amazement in their voice. The truth of the love that they spoke of just ripped right in to my heart. I shook my head in disagreement still believing that I will always mess up and do something wrong in order to piss Him off. To make Him say, "Forget it Baby, you are not worth my time."
Just the way my friend talked made me want what they had. The trust and love just radiating through each word. Smiling while they talked saying how good He is. "Oh Misty, He is SO good, so faithful." Just the trust my friend had.

I WANT that. I came to a realization today that it is ok to want that. It really isn't good to continually want a home like the next person, a nice car, a bigger family. What is important is WANTING more of God. Wanting to ooze the love of God through my speech, my actions, my desires. To be patient and understand that He does love me. My friend reminded me of the way a child talks about their Daddy. How He can do no wrong. How He is the strongest person. Reminded me of how you may talk about your big brother (That you get along with). something like, "MY brother is bigger then you and all of this." My friend showed me this love in just the way they talked about our Father. Our big Brother that took the cross.

I want what my friend has. I want to feel that. I am jealous of that. But I think this might be something that is ok to be jealous of because it is making me want to be a better person. Want to pursue more of Him.

I want what my friend has. I really do. I NEED it.

Respect

2010-02-13T10:17:00.004-08:00

Is it just me or does it seem like generations are losing the respect of their elders. to an extent I find it odd that Cooper's preschool goes by first names but sticking "Miss" in front of it.

Call me old fashion but I prefer the last name deal. A lot of people don't like being called by their last name. Because they feel like their grandma. I would rather Cooper call someone by their last name. I am also asking his friends to call me, "Mrs. Wishart". Sure it reminds me of my mother in law but she is a great person so I don't mind. But for me there is also an element of pride that I have taken on that last name.

Some teenagers I see now are rude all together. Walking behind them with a stroller they rush through the door and let it close. They don't say thank you or please. Some kids even cross the street like they own the road. Now I am not saying that ALL teenagers or younger kids are rude or disrespectful. I have come across some VERY polite kids in my church and other surroundings. My friends respect my wishes to be called Mrs. Wishart. It is not an easy name for kids to say.

Growing up I would never DREAM of calling someone by their first name, even with the MR. or Mrs. or Miss. in front. However now that is what people want. I have a friend that was adiment I don't use their last name so to respect her I use Mrs ________.

I think personally it is a matter of respect to put the prefix in front of names. I think it is a matter of authority to the child to use last names. I have seen so many disrespectful people. I have also seen people give me the odd eye when I ask Cooper to say "thank you sir" or miss or ma'am. It just seems like it is not an accepted thing now. I got in trouble if I didn't address someone by their last name when I was a kid.

I just almost feel like as each generation comes and grows the respect for authorities and elders seems to get a little less. Yes it is not ALL of the generation as you see some that are very polite. I remember it was a rare thing to NOT be polite when I was growing up. Now it is rare TO be polite. What is happening with our world? We are losing the respect. It makes me sad.

You know, even though I am now 30 I STILL prefer to call those older then me, like parents or grandparents by their last names. One time I called a wonderful lady by her last name and she looked at me in shock then smiled.

Dedication

2010-02-10T13:11:00.004-08:00

I WANT to know more of the bible. I want to be able to put it in to practice and live by it's principles. I want to be able to understand Jesus' love. What Jesus was like. Yet I get overwhelmed. It takes dedication. Dedication that I fear I would fail at.

Sometimes I look at the bible and think "AHHHHH where do I START!" Then I get frustrated and think there is no point because I will never get it all or be able to understand it. I don't know where to start.

Sometimes I feel like Jesus is TOO big and that He just won't ever have the time for me. Sometimes it is like He won't stoop down to love me.

I know that these are all lies. Lies from the enemy. Jesus is love. Jesus will stoop to care for me. I WILL learn the bible. It is just a matter of asking God to help me. To help me to remain dedicated, to understand the word. Asking God for His guidance as to where I need to go in His book. The best book out there. The ONLY important book.

I want to feel His love and understand completely and fully that He does love me. It takes faith and dedication to remember it every moment of the day. It takes faith to believe the bible and His words. I need help to have the faith and to stay strong.

I have been dedicating myself to a Prayer Group on Wednesday's. I just hope and pray that I keep finding people willing to watch Cooper. I am glad I have been invited to join this group. It has taught me a lot. I am silent and watch. I listen. I feel God move. Looking out the window today it was like I could SEE Him on top of the mountain. Watching over all of my hometown. Watching over us as we prayed. Dedicating His time to us.

The day Jesus outstretched those precious arms on the cross was the day He dedicated to love me, to love you. To give His life; sinless, faultless and pure, for ours; sinful, self centered and full of faults. God dedicated Himself to love us even though we don't deserve it. He hurts when we hurt, He laughs when we laugh. He loves us no matter what. THAT is pure dedication to me.

I feel like I owe it to Him to show Him at least a portion of the dedication that He shows to me. How can I dedicate myself? How can I remain true? I just have to ask for His help. I have to believe. I have to not give up. I have to have the faith.

Jesus gave the biggest dedication of all to all of us. Why? Because He loves us. I am told He will never STOP loving us. How cool is that.

From a devotional this morning

2010-01-29T07:28:00.000-08:00

"Religion is dangerous. Religion would rather debate about healing than see somebody healed. Religion would rather argue about deliverance than see somebody set free.
.......That's the difference between religion and the love of God. Religion argues. Love acts. Choose love today."

what a night!

2010-01-28T09:18:00.003-08:00

Poor Cooper.

Last night we were at a friends house having dinner. When just out of the blue Cooper started to cry and scream. His hand went to his left ear and he said that it hurt. I was skeptical because it came on so fast. He had NO fever. My friend and I decided to give him some advil and put heat on the ear. About forty five minutes later he was FINE. Running around with the kids and playing. This all started at about 5:30. We dosed him at 6:30-ish.

So he seemed fine and continued to be fine when we got home. Bed time came and he said his ear hurt and was whimpering a bit. There was nothing I could do because the last dose was so recent. Phil was out with the car so no clinic. I told him to try to sleep because it would make it feel better.
So about a quarter to 8 he starts to really cry and scream. I bring him to bed with me to see if he would calm down. He fell asleep but barely. He was whimpering again and crying. Then the screaming started and the cries that his ear really hurt.

Phil got home at 9. By this time no clinics are open so we went to the ER just because he was screaming so loud. We wondered if maybe he put something in it, which was NOT like him, because he still had no fever.
We get to the hospital and his O2 stats were 90 then they went up to 95% so the nurse seemed happy that it went up. His pulse was good and in the hundreds. He was still screaming in pain though.

We get in to see the doc. I lay back half reclined on the bed and Cooper FINALLY falls asleep. Still whimpering in his sleep. Then in comes the doc. I knew it wouldn't go over well. He said that he wanted to look in his ear. So I held Cooper's head and body and the doctor just touched his ear lobe. Cooper woke up screaming bloody murder. Phil had to help me hold him down just so the doc could look. VERY inflamed and infected he said. The right ear was totally fine.

Because Cooper was in so much pain he gave my baby tylenol with codeine. That was his first time EVER with something more then just tylenol or motrin. He ended up conking out though.

I am not sure but he was either having wicked dreams or hallucinating. He slept with me because I am allergic to penicillin and codeine and morphine I was concerned about him with the codeine and amoxicillin. Three am he woke up screaming again and thankfully the hospital gave me a couple more doses of the tylenol with codeine. I gave him that and he slept until 8. He woke up saying his ear was fine. Just a little sore. He didn't want to eat though.

Add this on to the fact that I have been lightheaded for a couple days it was all around hard. My house is a disaster but I really can't stand long enough to do anything. I start to feel faint. Last night was hard holding him and rocking him, trying not to lose it on my own end.

He still had no fever and ear aches aren't contagious so off to school he went. He BEGGED to go to school. I feel bad for him because it looks like he has my ear problems. Which only went away AFTER I got my tonsils and adenoids out.

I feel bad for him. The school will call if he starts to complain. He is very pale though but up in spirits. So if you feel so inclined to pray please pray for healing on our household. Poor kiddo.

Decisions

2010-01-25T08:46:00.002-08:00

decisions can be tough to make sometimes.

I am right now in the process of fighting off a rash decision.

Year and a half of trying for another child is bugging me a bit. I have ALL of Cooper's baby clothes, toys, bassinet, high chair etc. I have kept everything. I even moved Cooper out of the crib as a toddler bed in to a big bed. So my SUPER NICE crib is not even being used. I have been thinking about taking it and just doing up a double bed for Cooper.

So there is a part of me that just wants to start selling everything. I mean EVERYTHING. The clothes, the tub, the bassinet, stroller, toys, highchair, cloth diapers etc. I just want to get rid of it all.

The thing is WHAT IF we have another baby. I would like to have all that stuff. But I guess there comes a point where I start to wonder if there is a point. It is the bitterness in my heart I think. There is a part of me that thinks that it is just false hope on my part. I just want to get rid of it all. To not even think or remember it as being in storage because it is just a reminder that I can't seem to have another baby.

Then I start feeling guilty for the way I am thinking. Because there are people out there that don't have kids and want them. Then again in comes the selfish feeling. Where is God in all of this? Where is this Father that I can hope in. I want to talk to Him about it but wonder if He is listening.

ok this is a ramble and the decision is to just get rid of everything. But I know that is a rash choice right now. How do I think through this and get through this? I want it gone but then don't want to admit giving up on the hope.

A realization

2010-01-23T13:28:00.001-08:00

you know, I realize that I am extremely blessed. I have a home and am not worried about where my loved ones are. I am thankful for the health insurance we have here.

We are having issues trying to conceive our second child. We have had three losses and a few months of nothing. My body seems to be going haywire with things. It just doesn't seem to like what is going on.
Yet I am going to try my hardest to be thankful because I know I am blessed. My three and a half year old is a great example of it. Sure he can be a pain but I love him. I realize more and more each day what a blessing and what a gift he is.
God made His presence known to me the day I gave birth to Cooper. Went in to the hospital and it was raining REALLY hard. I push and Cooper came out and in that exact moment the sun came through the smaller windows and flooded the room.

I am so thankful for my life. For a husband that loves me. To have a husband. To have computers, a passion for photography. Learning that God loves me and is the great Father I have ever needed. My earthly fathers are no where near as loving and faithful and gracious or merciful.

For some reason just sitting here today, cleaning my son's room I just realize that I am so blessed. I am free to dance and worship in church. I am free to sing. I am in love with my son and husband. Even MORE in love with Jesus. I am so grateful and blessed. I don't want to change anything in my life. I have been hospitalized due to a breakdown. But I am thankful for that. Because one day I will realize why it happened. I can't get pregnant right now but one day I will see what God's plan is. I hold my son a little tighter. I have people in my life that care. I have doctors that give a crap and sometimes that is a rarity in and of itself! I have a church that helps me out even though we were new to the church. I have a counsellor that puts up with me and cares for me.
I have all I ever need. I need to remember that. I am so blessed and it is a freeing realization.

2010-01-11T07:35:00.000-08:00

Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight (Prov. 3:5-6)

The World

2009-12-28T07:35:00.002-08:00

sure can be a tricky place. So full of sin, thanks Adam and Eve, confussion, people assuming THEY know what is best for YOUR child.

Education comes to mind for me. I have felt like I am not doing enough. I have been made to feel like a horrible mother. I have chosen a Christian based preschool for my child. I can't afford a private school for him but I try my best. I have been told I am damning my child to satan because he would be going to public school. I tend to disagree.

I have chosen to do what I am doing based on what feels right for my family.

Sin is everywhere you look. It is pathetic really. People are afraid of God so they fight what they don't know. Believe in Heaven but not Hell or God. Or they believe in Hell but not Heaven or God. I just find it interesting that some people can be so nieve and believe in one and not the other. To me those places go hand in hand.

I really struggle learning about the bible and trusting in God. Then other people make me feel horrible for the struggles. Did you know even Mother Teresa struggled and had questions. I think if you were to tell me you never struggle and you have always walked the walk with God without ever questioning or without ever having the "Job" moments I would challenge you to really look at yourself. There is not one person in this world that is perfect.

You know life is what you make it. You choose to be in a dark place you will stay there. Lately I have been choosing to TRY to be as positive as I can. Boy does it feel good too. I am leaving things up to God and am trying really hard each day to remember that and to trust Him and keep my faith in Him growing.

The world is a very judgmental place. A cruel place. People afraid of what they don't know. Afraid of not being able to control their own life. Anger at the slightest things. People thinking that THEY know what is best for you and your family. I am guilty of judging but I am working on it. After all there is only One who can and should judge. I think we all forget that sometimes.

I feel like God has gifted me in the way of Photography, although the world (ie. other people) can be negative and knock me down. Some have made me feel like I should not bother. That I should pack the camera away and give up. Yet there is this still small voice that tells me to keep shooting. Guess it is time to tune out the world and to start listening to that "still small voice"

just a ramble of many things today. Hope it makes SOME sense. It has been a while since I last wrote. My bad. lol

What it Feels Like -FFH

2009-12-09T17:08:00.001-08:00

A friend asked for my help in finding a song that she knew only the chorus to. I found it and I think it is SO fitting and perfect.

What it Feels Like - FFH

So this is what if feels like to walk the wilderness
and this is what if feels like to come undone
So this is what if feels like to loose my confidence
unsure of anything or anyone
So this is what if feels like to walk the desert sand
and this is what if feels like to hear my name
and to be scared to death cause I'm all alone
but feel love and peace just the same
And this may not be the road I would choose for me
but it still feels right somehow
And I have never felt you as close to me as I do right now
So this is what if feels like to be led
So this is what if feels like to have it fall apart
to be totally unglued
and find out if I accept my brokenness
I get more of me, I get all of you
If this is what if feels like to be on shaky ground
Careful of every step I take
Realizing as I stop to look around
I look around and see everything a different way
and this may not be the road I would choose for me
but it still feels right somehow
cause I have never felt you as close to me as I do right now
So this is what if feels like to be led
and this is what if feels like to be led
So this is what if feels like to just walk away
from everything I thought kept me safe
to depend just on you for every meal
and find it's better this way
oh it's better this way
And this may not be the road I would choose for me
but it still feels right somehow
And I have never felt you as close to me as I do right now
like i do right now
And this may not be the road I would choose for me
but it still feels right somehow
And I have never felt you as close to me as I do right now
And this is what if feels like to be led
And this is what if feels like to be led
And this is what if feels like

Preparation

2009-11-25T16:53:00.002-08:00

You know, I have always been told during the hard circumstances and situations that one day I would be able to look back and see what God was preparing me for. It really does happen like that every time. In the situation I am frustrated and confused and scared etc. Who wouldn't be? I don't feel like God is there but I know deep down that He is.

I was hospitalized due to a break down at the end of April this year. I was there for 5 weeks. I felt SO much darkness in that ward and in my room and in my own heart. I felt like God wasn't there yet He kept sending me verses over and over.
I had people come to visit me that I didn't think ever would. Phil supported me and brought Cooper to me EVERY SINGLE night. Not missing even one night. Sometimes he would bring him by in the morning as well. It was heart breaking to not be with my family but I knew I had to be there for a season in order to get better.
The nurses and doctors helped me get meds figured out and manage life better. They helped me to get back on me feet. I can tell you now that I am grateful for that time spent there.

A lot of crap has been happening lately. Someone I know and love having their life threatened. Being told they would be killed. I don't know how to help them but just let them know I am here.
Family members feeling sick.
Feeling short on money. (what's new there. lol)

But as I sit here typing all this I can honestly say that I am doing fairly well considering all my circumstances. I know I am being vague but this is the way it has to be for right now.
I can look back now and know that God brought me through one storm so that I could get through the current one. I am not trying to do this on my own. I am trying to lean on God for strength. I am not strong enough to do it on my own, only He has the strength I need.
Getting words of wisdom and prayer from others just emphasizes that yeah He is listening. No matter how I feel like He may not be here. With everything that is happening I am quite surprised that I haven't gone down hill. I know that it is only by the Grace of God that I haven't. There is NO other way to explain it.

So I look back seeing that God was preparing me for this stuff. He was preparing me to be able to walk through this storm. Then I think, this storm will prepare me to walk through the next.
I am not usually able to see the Son in the midst of the storm but I have been able to this time around. I can honestly tell you that it feels WONDERFUL to know that God is here. That my Dad won't abandon me. That He is sending others to me in order to help me walk the journey. In order that I am not alone.

Sometimes the trials suck monkey butt but now that I can sit here knowing it was for my own good and it was to prepare me I am happy that God thinks I am worthy enough and strong enough to endure those times. I don't like those times but who rightfully does. But just knowing that the Father will NOT abandon me, hurt me, belittle me, judge me, abuse me, or stop loving me and that He is there provides a peace.
Although I have problems sleeping right now I just know that this too will pass, and I will be able to have the peace again. So while leaning on God I am also sharing with others as I felt lead.

Thankfully He was kind enough to prepare me.

2009-11-20T08:45:00.001-08:00

When a fellow Christian stumbles
And he needs some help to stand;
Don’t ignore his circumstances—
Offer him your outstretched hand. —Sper

No one is useless in this world who lightens the burdens of another. —Charles Dickens

Devotional

2009-11-19T07:06:00.003-08:00

I received this yesterday morning. The morning after I had decided I want to just shut off from everyone and everything. Then I did notice that yesterday it just seemed so impossible. People talking, emailing, things to do. Funny how God comes through...

Prime Time with God Devotional
Today's Prayer
God, I come to You seeking Your face, searching for answers so I can do something about the problems. There is so much turmoil in the world. There have been so many disasters, many beyond man's control. I pray that You will broaden the minds the people affected by each incident and open their eyes to see what You want them to learn. And I pray that they will respond in the right way. I know that You sometimes allow pressures in my life to bring attention to an issue You want me to take care of too. I pray today, that You as my Loving Father will make known anything that stands in the way of fellowship between You and I. I want to turn from any wrongdoing, and "step up to the plate" to do the right thing, no matter how great or how simple it may seem. I praise You for Who You are, for all You do, and for the fellowship we share through prayer. In Jesus' name, amen.

Come Out of the Stronghold
TGIF Today God Is First Volume 2, by Os Hillman
11-18-2009
"...Do not stay in the stronghold. Go into the land of Judah ..." (1 Samuel 22:5).
David and his fighting men had been hiding in the cave of Adullam. He was fleeing Saul. Many of life's down-and-out had come and joined David's army. David was content to stay in the stronghold of safety. Then, God's prophet came to David and told him that he must leave the stronghold and go into the land of Judah. Judah means "praise."
When life beats down on us and we get to the place where we want to hide in a cave, God often places people around us who prod us into moving in the right direction. He does not want us to remain in the place of discouragement. He wants us to move into the land of praise.
I recall when I went through a very difficult time. It seemed to drag on and on with no change until finally I wanted to retreat to a cave and forget pressing on. It was a great time of discouragement. A godly man came to me and said, "You must keep moving! There are too many who are depending on you in the Kingdom."
I didn't totally understand what he meant at the time. Now I know he was saying that God is preparing each of us to be the vessel He wants to use in the life of another person, but we will never be that vessel if we give up and hide in our cave of discouragement. Not only must we keep moving, we must move into a new realm. Our attitude must move from discouragement to praise.
"He has sent me to bind up the broken-hearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners - to comfort all who mourn. ... a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor" (Isa 61:1-3).
It is only when we move past discouragement to praise that we begin living above our problems. Make a decision today to go into the land of Judah.

Seven Steps to Freedom

2009-11-11T14:06:00.004-08:00

*another view point from the book, "Answers and Hope for the Struggling Christian." by Henry Warkentin

So upon reading some more I came across a chapter called, "Seven Steps to Freedom" p.86. Naturally I went in to the chapter as just a read. But then I went back and re-read it deciding I would actually take the time to at least do this for ONE area. I wanted to write it out here.

Henry suggests that the steps to freedom "can show us how to take back the ground we have conceded to Satan. It is not enough to KNOW about our sin, we also need to deal with it." p.86 (emphasis mine)
The steps are as follows:

1. Identify the Lie - "the lie will come through thoughts and feelings." p.87

2. Confess believing the Lie as Sin - "Believing a lie is a sin against God." p.87

3. Ask forgiveness for believing the Lie - "believing the lie must be confessed, and asking for forgiveness is mandatory." p.88

4. Thank God for the Forgiveness - "By thanking Him we are accepting that the sin is gone." p.88

5. Take Authority - "We have to choose to believe that this authority is now ours, just as Jesus said." p.89

6. Confess the Truth in that Area - "ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free (John 8:32)" p.90

7. Ask God to Fill the Released Area with the Holy Spirit - "We don't want that area left with an empty void, so we must ask God to fill the released area with the Holy Spirit." p.91

WHEW!!! Sounds like a LOT of work but here goes nothing.......

1. I am not worthy

2. Lord, I have been believing this lie and thus am sinning.

3. Father please forgive me that I believe this lie. That I feel in my heart that I am not worthy and never will be. Please forgive me that this in turn makes me hesitant to trust. ""I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!" (Mark 9:24)

4. Thank you Father that You are so forgiving. That you still love me and forgive me with open arms.

5. Satan, PISS OFF. I AM worthy and you are not to bother me or lead me to believe in this lie of not being worthy anymore.

6. The truth is that I am worthy because of You Jesus. Because of Your blood. Thank you.

7. Please Father God, help to fill this area where the lie, the sin, the unbelief sat for so long. Please help me to fill it with Your truth, Your trust and Your love. Because I am worthy through you. YOU believe I am worthy.

ok did it. Now that is just something I will have to make sure I try my hardest to keep remembering over and over.

I have never felt worthy but the truth is that I am in fact worthy because of Jesus. Lately my son has come up with a VERY interesting question. "Mommy, who bought me." At first I told that little three and a half year old boy that no one bought him. That he is ours.

Then it got me thinking and I think I was more prepared for the question when it came later that night.
"Mommy, who bought me."
"Well Cooper, Jesus bought you."
"How Mommy?"
"Remember your book tells you that the blood of Jesus was shed on the cross?"
"yes"
"well that blood was the price that Jesus paid for us. Because He loves you and cares for you."
"oh."

yeah it would have been nice if the questions stopped there. But the next day he asked the same thing again and I gave the same answer. Then he threw me for a loop.
"Mommy who bought you?"
pause, silence, small sigh.....
"Jesus did."
"Why?"
"Because Jesus loves me just like He loves you. He bought us so that we can spend eternity with Him in Heaven."
"Why?"
"Because God believes in us and believes that we are worthy."
"ok"

ummmm..........there it was right there. I was telling my own son that WE were worthy. Not just Cooper was worthy but I was worthy too. We were made worthy through Jesus and I guess writing that on my bathroom mirror and seeing it every day is starting to sink home.
I can tell you it felt good to admit that out loud to my son.
I had someone this past month who had hurt me deeply in my past apologize. They told me they are ready to make a change. WOW! Then I am starting to realize as well that through Jesus I am worthy. I didn't DO anything to BE worthy but that is the point. He loves me just the same.

So Lord, in closing......forgive me. Help me break the lie. Help me be an example. Help me to trust you and know that I am indeed worthy.

just some things.....

2009-10-25T07:33:00.002-07:00

that have been irking me this morning and I figure I better get it off my chest rather then let it get me down. We know how the enemy likes to work. "Oh! She is feeling down about this? Let's just keep it that way and make it a little worse".

ok...bear with me...

I have been put on blood thinners because my doctor had found out I have a case of hyperhomocystine. (Yeah you would have to look up homocystine yourself. lol) However, to give you a basic bit of info basically I clot too much. So now am on a low dose of ASA each day. Now even though it is a low dose I am noticing some little differences. My bruises have been big and nasty. Guess more blood can come to the surface now. Also when I cut myself I bleed. I bleed too much. For example shaving this morning I hit a little tiny pimple. I have been nursing the bleed for 20 minutes. It just keeps coming and as of yet it hasn't stopped! Damn pimples!

Now on to pimples...I am breaking out like a freaking teen aged girl. DUDE! I am 30. I thought by 30 this stuff would STOP. Yeah, I lived in a dream world!

My hair needs to be dyed and we can't afford it right now. Yeah, buy a box people will say but I really would rather leave it to the professionals to do it. I have about three inches of roots! You know it is bad when you try to think of things to do with your hair to hide the roots and the whites. Today it is in a french braid. The problem is when I do that or even a pony tail the braided part and the pony tail itself are different colors then the base of my head. Oh and with the braid you can see the white streaks of hair.

grr...damn pimple STILL bleeding.

I have been on the fence about halloween. Do we take Cooper trick or treating or not?

I have been having dreams about having a second child but my body is evidence that it won't let me! Oh well, only God knows what will happen there.

I need a pair of jeans.

We need to go get some groceries.

I am thankful for my new camera accessory though and am thinking of some things I want to do today. I want to make a backdrop stand in my house. It will involve a curtain rod. lol. I want to organize the storage locker outside.

I just have many things swimming in my head. As I sit here and look out the window though a smile creeps across my face. It is a beautiful sunrise this morning. Mind you it is red and that means we are in for some wicked weather but it made me smile that God reminds me He is listening. I wonder if HE is tired of my complaining yet?

Dang thing still bleeding...

Answers and Hope for the Struggling Christian

2009-10-21T13:08:00.004-07:00

by Henry Warkentin

A friend of mine gave me a copy of this book. I am really not too far in to it as it is not a book you can read cover to cover. You have to take it one section at a time. So far I have noticed that it has been opening my eyes to some of the tactics the Devil uses. He is one slippery bugger.

On page 68 it starts to go in to "The Emotions".
"Not only does the devil impose thoughts directly into our intellect, but he often imposes feelings on our emotions as well."

I found that pretty darn interesting. I was thinking that it was me that was a screw up and a mess up. That it was my thoughts that were harming me when all along it is the enemy knowing which buttons to push and knowing how to get in to my thoughts.

"Most often, the Enemy imposes both thoughts and feelings.
Imposed feelings are very convincing because the feelings happen right inside the emotional part of our being. Coupled with the fact that the world tells us to trust our feelings, we are easily fooled." p. 69

Maybe this is why I have been told over and over that feelings are fickle. That I can't fully rely on them. I FEEL stupid. Am I? My school grades never showed it. I FEEL like a failure. Am I? Not so sure, I do have a happy, healthy son and am doing what I have always wanted to do. I feel like God is going to abandon me? Will He? Umm..I am being told no. Then that is evident to me in the fact that no matter where I struggle or what stage I am at He always has a way of showing Himself. Coming through someone or another. I FEEL like I am not good enough. Am I? No. God says I am because of His Mercy.

"...when we believe the devil's lies, no matter how logical they seem, it gives the Enemy power in our lives. It is important to see that in order to believe the devil's lies, we have to reject God's truth." p.71

See the thing for me is that I believe I am not worthy of God. That I am ugly. I am stupid. I am a failure. But God's truth and word tells me other wise. He tells me that I am "Fearfully and wonderfully made." That I am made "in His image" and that God does not make mistakes.
So every lie I believe sounds like the truth to me. It sounds so real and accurate so I choose to believe it. I feel like it is true therefore it must be. However, because Satan is able to get deep in to our intellect and feelings I in turn believe what he is saying and start rejecting the Truth. "The Truth will set you free." From all the enemy's lies and schemes I can be set free if I just choose to remember the truth. Because he can slip right in there though the lies FEEL like truth. Like I can't win. Then I can't feel God. I feel lost to Him. I feel alone. Then there it is again, feelings coming from lies.

Where am I going with this? Not fully sure but I do know I have wanted to share the quotes for quite a while. It gives me a bit of a sense of relief knowing that maybe I am not miss-wired. That I am not a complete screw up and that in fact something greater then my own thoughts is at work here. It is the enemy that has to be driven out of my mind. That is why we have to tell him OUT LOUD to bugger off. To get our of our lives. It was a relief to me to read what I did and realize that I am not alone and am not COMPLETELY insane. A relief that although I FEEL like God is not here it is a lie. That lie is far from the truth.

The truth. God is good. God is mercy. I am not worthy but GOD feels I am. Not being worthy enough but it being the point because I was saved by His Grace. God is real. God is here. I AM NOT ALONE. Just some things I have been trying to process. I am sure more things will come up eventually but this is it for now.
Just amazed me that the enemy can get so deep in to your mind. BUT he can't steal my spirit. No matter how much he masks it God is still there. No matter how dim the light feels it is still lit.

Yes I struggle. Who of us doesn't. If you say you don't I would have to ask you if you are lying to yourself. Or if it is the enemy lying TO you. The struggles make us stronger. This is a good book so far and it really is helping to give me insight in to how the enemy can be so tricky. I recommend it so far and I believe it is in fact giving me the Hope and the Answers I need.

Thankfulness

2009-10-12T07:52:00.000-07:00

Today is another Thanksgiving day for us here in Canada. I love thanksgiving and it's traditions and TURKEY. But I also love being able to stop and be thankful for things God has given.
So today I find myself wanting to share it with all.....

in NO particular order:

~God. Thankful that He hasn't given up on me, that He won't give up on me. That He understands me and my heart but continues to be patient. No matter how big He feels to me knowing that He is the Daddy that will always be able to stoop and hold me in His arms provides me some comfort.

~Phil. What can I say? This man is a wonderful gift from God. He works hard to provide for us and loves me in all my "moments". Even though some weeks are tough because he is working so much I am thankful for him and that he has a steady job in these times. That he works hard so I can stay home and raise our children.

~Cooper. This little boy is the light of my life. Going through three miscarriages in 10 months was a shitty deal. I know people go through worse but during those times and even now it reminds me what a wonderful gift my little boy is. What a blessing he is. He is so smart and I love the moments where he runs up and says, "MOMMY!" Then I say, yes Cooper. Then he looks at me with those beautiful eyes and says, "I LOVE YOU!" then takes off again.

~My miscarriages. You know, believe it or not I am thankful for having pulled through those times. It has given me a sense of understanding for others. It has opened my eyes to how fortunate I am to have one child. Although the hurt is still there I find that if I didn't go through that I wouldn't be as thankful as I am today.

~My hospital stay. I had a break down and was admitted for 5 weeks. It was a hell of a time. I started out numb and angry. Hurt and alone. Such a dark lonely time. A friend said that although I can't see it right now there will come a day I will look back on it and be thankful. I am thinking that day is here. I needed that time to grow closer to God. To understand why things were happening. Although it was a dark time I can sit here now and be thankful for it. For the love I was shown. For the shoulders I cried on. For the help I received. If it didn't happen I wouldn't have gotten the help I needed.

~My doctors. All of them, including counsellor. They are on my side. They fight for me. They understand what I believe and why I believe it. They acknowledge my belief about life at conception, they don't knock my feelings or say I am crazy, even though I try to convince them to say it because I feel it is true. I feel like they fight for me and it makes me feel like they are on my side. I have a good "team".

~All my family. not much more to say there but that I am thankful so much for them and their help.

~Friends. During my rough goes and tough times I had many friends pull through and care about me and for me. I cried on shoulders. I was held tight. I was told I was missed. I was assured that I would be ok even though I couldn't see it.

~A roof over my head.

~Clothes on my back.

~Food in my stomach and in the fridge.

~Giving back to God.

~Growing up and trying to figure out my finances properly.

~Hot water.

~Cold milk.

~Wonderful neighbours.

~A running car.

~Electricity.

~Power of Prayer. This is a big one for me and has been proving evident the last little while. Although I may not understand it and God just seems so big I am still able to pray and He listens. The power in numbers. The power that prayer has over darkness. The power it has to change lives.

~Freedom.

I think that is about it for now. I just have so much going in my mind. I am sure I missed people or things but I am thankful for everything in my life. Big or small.

So as I wrap this up and get ready to start the day of cleaning and decorating for thanksgiving dinner I know I feel thankful. I love this place and love entertaining. I leave you all with a bit of Autumn pics. Some dessert to follow this meal....

Being walked along with

2009-09-18T22:05:00.003-07:00

Tonight I went to a ladies night with my church. The speaker was talking a lot about faith and trust. That God is walking with us. That He won't leave us and will guide us when we need it most.

Lately I have felt stretched thin a bit. I am grateful for my life but sometimes I just need a break. It is during those times that the darkness sneaks in and seeps in to my heart.

Tonight there was a lot of tears on my end. Tears I have worked very hard at keeping far away. Keeping the mask worn and the tears hidden. I just don't have the time to cry. The time to acknowledge my hurt and fears. I have many fears right now that I am not ready to publicly post and admit. Not just yet.
Tonight I heard loud and clear, "you have a hard heart and you will keep it that way." Something to that effect. I hesitantly asked someone if I could ask them a stupid question. They told me I could ask a question. I asked if that was from God. Or the Enemy or myself. They asked if I thought it was from God and I shrugged my shoulders because I was unsure. Honestly I was unsure. I know rationally that it wouldn't have been from God. But my irrational, louder mind tells me that I am not worthy. I try to believe that God is there and that He won't leave me but it is like the more I believe it the more of a battle it becomes.

My nights have been filled with dreams non-stop. Some disturbing dreams. Some with members from church trying to be supportive and praying over a lot of women. Some dark and full of fear. You know the ones. The ones where they shake you so deeply to the core that you can't forget them. That you see it when your eyes close. That the memory of the dream slips in when least expected. I don't like those dreams and I hope that I do indeed have a restful night tonight.

I know my life is blessed and I am so thankful for that. But do you ever get to the point, as a believer, that you just don't want to battle anymore? I am tired of fighting. Afraid of slipping and falling and having no one to catch me when I fall. Thankfully I know in my heart that God is really truly the only Father I can count on. He won't die on me. He won't leave me alone. He won't cause abuse or anything of the like. I struggle with needing to remember that. I need to try to remember it daily.

It is like the footprints poem. When there was only one set of footprints it was then that God carried me. I so hope that He is carrying me now. Because I feel so weak and like I really can't go on. Like I can't take another step. But I guess I keep trying in faith. Somewhere in my soul I believe. I beg that He forgives my unbelief. We all have good days and bad days. These are bad days as of late but thankfully God is good. I know it in my heart of hearts.

I am thankful for those that listened to me tonight. For the ladies God sent in to my court. Man the battle is so hard. Please God...don't give up yet...not just yet.

My "baby" started preschool today

2009-09-15T10:07:00.007-07:00

so today was the first full day of preschool. I can't believe it. Where did the time go?

This picture was from last week, the orientation. Thumbs up ready to go

today all excited now that we were at the school. He was apprehensive this morning though.

his very first first day of school outfit. Daddy picked it out.

He even has his very own cubbie with his name on it!

I want to cry but this is so exciting!!!

Thankful

2009-09-12T09:34:00.002-07:00

Today I find myself extremely thankful.

I am thankful for where God has me right now at this very moment. I am thankful to be a stay at home mom. Although some days I want to just quit. But really I am proud to be in the position that I am in.

I love being able to stay home and raise my son. To instill Christian beliefs and to help him understand. Nothing makes me more proud when he gets all excited when "Blessed be Your name" comes on the radio. Cooper will yell at the top of his lungs, "Blessed be name Mom! Blessed be name!" Then he will start to dance and even sing along with it. My heart swells with pride knowing that he is my son and is happy to hear such a beautiful song. That he tells me he is singing about God.

There are times where he pushed my buttons, like this morning when he battled with me for 45minutes to eat his breakfast. But he has to learn and I am the one that has been chosen to raise him. That God sees something in me that says, "She is just right for this special little angel". I feel honored.

I feel honored to be at home with him. I feel honored to stand at the sink and do dishes because I know it is making my house a pleasant place to be. That God feels like I am just right for that job. Then there is the job to make Phil's lunch. To make meals etc. I am honored that God chose me.

Yesterday my car broke down. I was on my way to Vancouver from Abbotsford, about a hour and 45 minutes to get there. But before I got on to the freeway I had this feeling that I left my hair straightener on. So I turned around and grumbled about having to go back home. I get home, turn off the car, go upstairs only to see I unplugged it already. So I found myself cursing myself for not remembering.
Then I go back down to the car, lock the front door and get in my car. I go to start it and NOTHING. Turns out that it was my starter. Thankfully Phil's van was home so I used that instead. All the while mad, frustrated and just stressing out. Then on the road again I found myself doing something totally different.

I stopped the bitching and said, "Thank you God". Thank God that it didn't happen IN Vancouver. That it happened at home. Thank God that Phil's van was home. That I had enough money for gas. That we were safe. Thank God that I have a husband that can fix it. Thank God I left earlier then needed as a "just in case".

Although I know I don't act like it sometimes I am very thankful for God and where He has me. I feel honored and priviledged that He thinks I am the one to do what He needs me to do here.

I am thankful for my life. There is also a part of me, although very small still, that is thankful in a weird way for the losses. Because they are showing me that God is here. Thankful that because of them I can relate to someone else who may be going through the same things. Thankful for my mentors who are guiding me and showing me that He is here no matter what.

Most of all I am thankful for a Father that won't leave me.

Update

2009-09-03T15:03:00.002-07:00

well a lot has been going on lately. We just moved in to a co-op townhome. We love it. So much more space and Cooper has a bit of a backyard to play in.

I have had so many questions about God lately and have been trying to understand. The person who mentors me has been patient and kind in all of this. God just seems SO big and then I feel like there is so much more to the Christian walk then Faith and Trust. However, I have learned that that is in fact the premise of our walk. To hold on and walk in Faith and Trust of the Father who loves us so deeply.

Although I don't think I will ever understand it all I am amazed. Even though I struggle, I feel angry or hurt and stop talking to God He still chooses to bless me. To bless my family. We have been really blessed this past while and we are so thankful for it.

My inlaws buying a new couch for us for the new place. Getting money here and there. Sometimes annonymously and sometimes from a trusted friend. Friends buying us things for the new place, my wonderful mother in law helping purchase stuff like curtains and toilet paper holders. My excellent father in law making the stair well deep enough to finally fit the queen sized mattress box spring up. A dear friend helping him. A special friend helping me to unpack and move things away. Having so much help packing.

Then the other day we went for our first family walk around the neighbourhood only to find $25. Perfect! Milk money! God once again looking out for us. So even though I struggle and feel like He is not here He still finds me worthy enough to bless. He is taking care of us and He really is here.

So I trust Him with my fertility stuff and will pray it be in His hands. I just have been reminded time and time again how good God is. How He is looking out for us and loves us. That He does in fact have time for me and listens to my prayers even though there are so many other worthy people to be listening to. I am one of those worthy people to Him. I thank God every day.

God is good and patient. I am so thankful and grateful.

For some reason this song has struck me lately

2009-08-21T15:17:00.001-07:00

More Beautiful You by Jonny Diaz

Little girl fourteen flipping through a magazine
Says she wants to look that way
But her hair isn’t straight her body isn’t fake
And she’s always felt overweight

Well little girl fourteen I wish that you could see
That beauty is within your heart
And you were made with such care your skin your body and your hair
Are perfect just the way they are

There could never be a more beautiful you
Don’t buy the lies disguises and hoops they make you jump through
You were made to fill a purpose that only you could do
So there could never be a more beautiful you

Little girl twenty-one the things that you’ve already done
Anything to get ahead
And you say you’ve got a man but he’s got another plan
Only wants what you will do instead

Well little girl twenty-one you never thought that this would come
You starve yourself to play the part
But I can promise you there’s a man whose love is true
And he’ll treat you like the jewel you are

So turn around you’re not too far
To back away be who you are
To change your path go another way
It’s not too late you can be saved
If you feel depressed with past regrets
The shameful nights hope to forget
Can disappear they can all be washed away
By the one who’s strong can right your wrongs
Can rid your fears dry all your tears
And change the way you look at this big world
He will take your dark distorted view
And with His light He will show you truth
And again you’ll see through the eyes of a little girl

"Set Me Free"

2009-08-17T19:14:00.008-07:00

So since yesterday I have had a lot on my mind. Actually I usually always have quite a bit on my mind. My mind usually doesn't stop. In fact I honestly didn't realize that following God was "simple".

I prayed for help breaking the strong holds in my life that are keeping me back. Keeping me from loving myself. Keeping me from trusting God. Keeping myself from just having faith in God and realizing that He won't abandon me. Old thought patterns have to go. Not pretty enough. Not smart enough. Not funny enough, etc.

This is hard. Really hard. I am so used to it that it comes to my mind first and foremost. Every time. I can't look in the mirror because I don't like what I see. I don't think I am good enough to be God's child and wait for Him to leave me. I didn't do a darn thing to deserve God's love and Mercy but He gives it to me anyway. Don't ask me why because I can't even explain it.

I need to break the chains and embrace the fact that God does love me. That I am worthy to be His child. I am tired of the chains holding me back, the chains not allowing me further.

I am not sure it makes any sense. I just know that I need to break the chains that I have been allowing to hold me back. I have to not allow it anymore. I need to ask God to help me. I need His strength. There is just so much to do. I don't know if I can do it. But I know that I am tired of being held down. Of holding MYSELF back.

just so many things in my mind....

this song comes to mind. I want and need to be set free. I need the chains broken.

Fall on me (set me free) by Vineyard Worship

Fall on me
Ever so gently
Breathe on, breathe on these dry bones.

Shower me
In your love
Washing, washing my filthy stains
my filthy stains, Jesus

And break these chains
And break these chains

Set me free
Set me free
Set me free
Set me free (2x)

Fall on me
Ever so gently
Breathe on, breathe on these dry bones.

And break these chains
And break these chains

Set me free
Set me free
Set me free Lord
Set me free(4x)

Fall on me
Ever so gently
Breathe on, breathe on these dry bones.

Shower me
In your love
Washing, washing my filthy stains,
my filthy stains.

And break these chains
And break these chains (3x)

Set me free
Set me free
Set me free Lord
Set me free (4x)

Measuring Up

2009-08-16T12:13:00.003-07:00

Today's service talked about measuring up. The funny thing though is that after someone shared this morning I found myself thinking, "wow. Why can't I be like them?"

Someone this morning shared that they had told complete strangers their testimony and also talked about Jesus. I find that I get to the point where I am afraid to share because I may not be wise enough with what I am saying.
I saw pregnant mommy's and I thought, "hmm. that would be nice."
I saw a very pretty skinny lady and I thought, "Dang. Wish I looked like that."

I was measuring up myself to what others looked like or what I saw about others. Just like with my photography. I start bashing myself thinking that I would never be good enough. That my work doesn't measure up to another photographers. I don't have enough gear. I don't have enough experience under my belt.
I bash myself thinking that I am not thin enough or pretty enough. I wish I looked like so and so. But if I look I have a husband and child who loves me just as I am.
The whole pregnant thing. Well I have a healthy son and that I am grateful for.
The photography...I think it is a gift from God and I want to embrace it fully.

But the service today I felt like I was being talked directly to. I am always measuring myself with others. I don't think I am good enough to be God's child. Not good enough to be loved by Him. Not smart enough to talk about Him. I just will never be what He needs me to be and part of me waits until He just gives up and walks away.

I am not good enough.
I never will be.
Someone told me that that is just the point. It really blows my mind. The pastor today says that on a scale of 0-10 as to whether God loves us or if we are good enough there is no such thing as a 7. You are either a 0 or a 10. I have a hard time with this. So that means that I would be a 10? But really would I be? I believe in Him. I really do yet I struggle.

I went up and took the plunge for prayer. Talked about measuring up and how I felt like it applied to me. I believe the lies from the enemy. In essence I hold fast to the strong holds that the enemy has on me. The lies I have believed all my life. Today the person helped me to pray. She helped guide me as to what I could pray. She did not push me she said she would not make me pray. She said to only do it if I really wanted to break that stronghold. I do. So I prayed. We prayed together. I asked God for help breaking the lies and to believe in the Truth. I cried. I don't like going up because I don't want to cry in front of people. AGAIN the pastor had said if things like wondering if you would measure up or if people would see you get emotional. That is exactly what I think. I am afraid of people seeing me. That I won't be doing things right.

I am sure this blog is all over the place. But I don't measure up. I won't ever measure up. But God doesn't give up on me? Why? I need to believe and hold the faith. I need to have the faith. "I believe, forgive me for my unbelief." I prayed that to God today with the other lady.

Time to realize I will never measure up to my own standards and to stop holding standards that I think other people think of me. It is MY thoughts and MY beliefs. They need to be let go.

Seeing Thorns as Blessings

2009-08-16T07:13:00.001-07:00

From my devotional this morning:

"To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong" (2 Cor. 12:7-10)

trying to stay focussed

2009-08-09T19:36:00.002-07:00

on the good. Trying to remember all the good and not let all the negative slash back at me.

The issues I was told I have was good to receive because those were fixable. A couple days later my family doc called me to come in and go over my blood work. Turns out that my prolactin levels are up again. So that can also cause miscarriages so now we take another step back.

It is like we get answers and a way to solve it then this happens. I am more then double what I should be. Prolactin is a hormone that is released when ovulating or when nursing. It should not be above 23 for a non nursing mother. I was good at an 11 for two months. Now it goes up again. So it is confusing, frustrating and annoying.

There is a BIG part of me that just wants to yell and get mad at God. Yet I am trying not to and to focus on the good. Sometimes it just feels so hard.

Good in every situation

2009-08-06T08:51:00.003-07:00

I know that God is working all things out for His good. Even the hard/bad/debilitating situations He will turn it around to work things out for good.

There was a point where I thought there was no possibility that something good would come out of my miscarriages. But I now realize there is. It has given me a more compassionate heart for those that are going through it. It gave me a chance to get some testing done. It gave me answers.

It turns out that I have a protein definciency and a blood clotting issue. Both of which are not elevated enough to cause concern about my health but enough to cause miscarriages. The good thing is that these are both treatable and there is a good chance that I will be able to have that baby one day.

I will have to take 5mg of folic acid, 100mg of Vitamin B6 and a baby aspirin every day for the first few months. Plus prior to the pregnancy. There are also some shots that may or may not need to be done. The thing in the way is money of course but I know we will work it out.

I have also injured my knee and it has required me to be on crutches. I was asking a friend if it was God that did it. My friend said that it was just a mistake and was not God's plan but that God would use it for His good. I think He is. It is teaching me to humble myself. I am starting to think that might have been the theme this past year.
We are trying to pack to move and I can't put weight on my knee yet my neighbours are offering help, friends are offering help and I have had to ask for help from my husband. I don't normally ask for help at all so this is a step for me. So yet another good thing that God is doing in this situation.

God is good and I am trying to focus on the good and thank Him for it.

it just takes one thought

2009-07-27T08:21:00.006-07:00

Why is it that it takes just ONE thought to spiral you? ONE negative thought to get you in to the direction that you are not good enough, you will never heal, you are fat, you are ugly and it just keeps going down, down, down.

thankfully this morning I was able to recognise the thought by the time it hit the second negative one. I pushed it down and told myself NO. I worked hard to build it back up and to get it working to the point where I wasn't beating myself up. It was hard.

It started with not wanting to go to group today. Then the thought of not ever being able to heal, then how I am not worthy enough to talk to anyone because I am a bother. So I guess that was three thoughts. It just kept trying to go down. I could physically feel my mood spiraling. Spiraling down into the darkness.

It just takes one thought to get you going down and knock you down but it takes many positive thoughts to keep you afloat. Your old thought patterns are easier to cling to. They are easy for the enemy to push his finger on and keep you where he wants you.

Yet the place where Jesus wants you is so much clearer. Pleasant and loving.

it just takes one. But it is worth the 20 positive thoughts to keep you grounded. Sometimes it is just SO hard.

Devotion this morning

2009-07-18T08:05:00.002-07:00

“‘What do you mean, ‘If I can’?’ Jesus asked. ‘Anything is possible if a person believes’” (Mark 9:23 NLT).

God will build your faith by planting a dream within you. But that dream will require a decision of faith, and then God will stretch your faith as you face delays, difficulties, and dead ends.

It is then that God comes in and delivers. God does a miracle. God provides a solution. For instance:

• In Moses’ case, God parts the Red Sea.
• In Abraham’s case, he and Sarah miraculously conceive a child.
• In Joseph’s case, all of a sudden his dream comes true and he finds himself no longer imprisoned in a dungeon; instead, he is the second in command in Egypt.

And Jesus was resurrected! God can even turn a crucifixion into resurrection, and that means He has the power to transform your dead ends into deliverance. He builds your faith through delays, difficulties, and dead ends, so that when He delivers you—God gets all the credit!

When faced with a dead end, the best response is to expect God to act. What are you expecting God to do in your life? Jesus says, “According to your faith will it be done to you” (Matthew 9:29 NIV).

When you wait for deliverance, then God gets the credit. And you can look back to see how God led you through a path of faith, expanding and increasing your trust of Him with every step. Your faith is stronger and now you can say with confidence: “I am expecting the Lord to rescue me again, so that once again I will see His goodness to me” (Psalm 27:13 LB).

-From the Purpose Driven Life Daily Devotional

1 Peter 1:6-7

2009-07-16T07:15:00.002-07:00

Got this in a devotional today. hmm...

"In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed."

Jealousy

2009-07-15T16:54:00.002-07:00

I am really not sure how to post this without offending someone. My intentions are NOT to offend ANYONE. I just need and want to write out what I have been struggling with. It is about loses and pregnancies so stop reading now if you don't want to go any further.

As you may/may not know I have had three miscarriages this past year. Each time one happens it takes a bit more of me with it. Total of three in 9 months was just too much. During that time I knew 9 people in my life who were pregnant.

As their pregnancies progressed I was excited yet wondered, why not me? When will it happen for me? WILL it happen for me again? Don't get me wrong I know that I am blessed. I have a beautiful little boy.

Yet as the time goes on I find myself getting jealous. All those pregnant ladies are now having babies. I LOVE babies. Most people do...but there is a part of me that gets a sharp pain when I feel my own arms aching. I am so blessed to be able to hold these babies and love on them. When I come home and all is quiet that is when the tears fall, when the pain gets me.

I know jealousy is not of God. Yet I find it catching me too. I try to pray it away. I try to push it down but sometimes I just need someone to talk to. I am thankful for people that will listen. People that understand my pain. Even I can't put it in to words some days but just being silent seems to help. Looking at my little boy helps.

I have been told I won't forget but the pain will get less. I have been debating on writing this because I don't want to offend/hurt any pregnant ladies or any of my friends. I am grateful for my friends that understand. That know when I can't talk anymore. I just don't have it in me. Yet they continue to love me and support me.

I guess this is just rambling but I did need to get it out. Don't be surprised if it comes down....

Prime Time With God - Daily Devotional

2009-06-18T08:19:00.002-07:00

from this morning. I swear I have heard this before. As in recently.....

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord. As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways" (Isaiah 55:8-9)

2 steps forward, one step back

2009-06-16T19:35:00.002-07:00

So lately Phil has told me that I have been doing pretty well. That I have been doing really good actually.

Yet today I have an overwhelming sense of loneliness. I just can't seem to shake it. I am tired and want to be in bed. I feel sad and lonely. Cooper has had WAY too much TV today. I feel detached as well.

Guess that is the territory that can come with depression. I just can't seem to shake it today. I am thankful that God's mercies are new every morning at least. I hold on to the hope that tomorrow will be a better day.

Although.....

I got a call from my doctor's office saying the test results were back and my doc wants to see me. I only had blood tests done. So I am thinking he found something and maybe this will give me an answer to things. I don't know. But if you know me well enough, you know that my mind has gone in to over drive. Although I try not to worry or anything it keeps coming back to the forefront of my mind.

time to try to take that step forward back. Or at least go to bed. lol

some days are better then others for sure. I just keep trying each and every day.

Psalm 27:1

2009-06-16T07:32:00.001-07:00

I was lead to this Psalm this morning.

"The LORD is my light and my salvation—
whom shall I fear?
The LORD is the stronghold of my life—
of whom shall I be afraid? "

There is fear in my heart right now but I am trying each and every day to hand it over to God. He is my stronghold and He has the strength to deal with it. I won't allow myself or the enemy to dwell on the fear. Fear is not of God. I wish this was easier though...

A bit from my devotional this morning

2009-06-12T07:56:00.004-07:00

I really feel like God is trying to help me understand His love. I have a hard time with it but I think He keeps trying. Here is a bit from my devotional this morning from "Purpose Driven Connection" by Rick Warren.

"The Lord reached down from above and took hold of me; He pulled me out of the deep waters" (Psalm 18:16 TEV).

There are times when we all think, "I'm going under for the last time! I'm about to sink!" No matter how deep you are, God's love is there; He can pull you out of the deepest waters.

No matter what problem you have, God's love is deeper than your problem. You may be in deep despair, deep trouble, under deep stress. You may have deep problems - emotional problems, physical problems, financial problems.

Yet, God's love is deeper still.

In the last few months, you may have hit bottom...You're frustrated and you think, "I'm going under."

Where is God when you hit bottom? He's right there underneath you. He is "your refuge, and His everlasting arms are under you" (Deuteronomy 33:27 NLT).

Drop into His arms of love. Let Him catch you and support you when you have nowhere else to go.

****************************************************

I personally believe that I have hit bottom and had it pulled directly out from under me but I KNOW that God was still loving me. People helped to drive that home. I am so thankful that His love is so big. That He will always love me no matter what. I really need to get it fully in to my heart.

I am worth being loved by Him. So are you.

then I just got this too in my email....
"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the LORD. As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts" (Isaiah 58:8,9).

talk about timing...

It's been a LONG time....

2009-06-09T09:00:00.004-07:00

let's just say that lately I have had struggles. I know everyone has. I know my struggles don't amount to what so and so may be going through or they may be worse then the guy next door but that is not the point. The point is not that you have struggles worse or less then the other person. The point is that MY struggles are hard for me. That I have been broken and thrown in to my own little hell.

The past year has been a really hard one for me. I am sure some of you may know or may gather from reading my blog. I just am not ready to go in to full details yet as to what has happened. Just that I was broken and I am hoping to continue the healing God has already started in my heart.

Last night on the way home from a dear friends baby shower I decided to actually listen to the message that was playing on 106.5 Praise FM. Chuck Swindoll was talking on "Unraveling the Mystery of Suffering". Just hearing the title peaked my interest so I decided to listen. Many times my jaw dropped and tears formed because he seemed to know dead on and it was like God was talking to me. Mr. Swindoll was talking on 2 Corinthians chapter 1.

Mr. Swindoll had some great points. I often wondered WHY I was going through what I was going through. Why the loses. Why the other stuff and how I got to where I did. He made a point along these lines.....
"When I climb up out of the grief, the disappointment, and the horror of it all then I get stabilized and wouldn't you know it, someone else goes through a similar experience. I meet them and I am able to understand.
Had I not gone through my loss, my grief, my heartache, my brokenness, I wouldn't have the inner equipment to even understand, say nothing to comfort others."

Wow! If that isn't the truth! That is exactly why I blog what I do. Why I choose to be so real and vulnerable. Why I tell real life people what I have gone through. I just never know if it may help someone or help someone realize that "hey, she went through it or is going through it, maybe I can talk to her." Going through what I have gone through and what I am going through really does allow me to be able to relate to others who may be struggling as well.

He goes on to say, "We suffer so that we may comfort others who go through a similar situation." It is hard to imagine that. The reason I am going through this is because this is where God needs me to be. Then last night just realizing that because of what I have gone through and am going through I can be a comfort to someone else. Someone that may be hurting and broken to the extent I was and am. That I may just be able to help someone else.

I am not writing this for pity or to be acknowledged. I am writing this because last night I came to a realization that God was and is with me in all of this. That if He can use me to help someone else then maybe it was good that it all happened. I haven't yet been able to say thank you but I hope to get there one day. It is still all fresh and new to me and I don't know when I will be able to thank God that this is all happening. I know, this must sound pretty vague and for that I apologize. Just understand I am not ready just yet to share it to the big world of blogging.

When Mr. Swindoll went on to say, "the suffering is of such great intensity that it is designed by God to bring us to the end of our own strength. Without an explanation, without an escape and without strength to go on you find yourself falling before God saying 'help.' 'help me.' 'help me now.' " my jaw hit the floor. That is exactly what happened. I got to the point where I couldn't go on. Although I am not sure if I did drop before God I can look back now and realize that I was in fact crying out for help. All the signs are there. Hindsight. I can see it all. Now. Not then but I can see it now. People were telling me how to go about things and that I needed to reach out for help but I still fought it. I should have listened. I was at the end of my strength. I had nothing left. No where else to turn. Little did I see that God was already offering a way out.

It is at the point where I do realize that "Broken people understand people being broken." I know that I need to keep the faith, I need to keep fighting. That Mr. Swindoll is right when he says, "faith comes when I surrender to the Father and say, 'you take this battle for me'." I am slowly surrendering. I know that I don't have the strength to do this myself. It is God's strength that will help me pull through. "God never wastes tests. They are designed to strengthen the muscle of faith to trust, to cause us to trust Him when the bottom really does drop out."

The bottom has dropped out for me. I realized too that I needed God more then ever. Sometimes when I didn't know what to do I said three simple words, "God help me." Then "God protect me." I didn't have the words or strength to go on but just uttering those simple sentences showed me that God WAS and IS there. That He is rooting for me, fighting for me and pulling me through. I hear His voice more now.

The battle is hell. It has been one hell of a year. I try to see the good of the last year but I can't see it just yet. I know one day though I will look back on it and think "AH! That is why it happened." Just knowing that for now I can be a help to someone else makes the battle a little easier. Just knowing that I was and am loved helped me to pull through a little stronger.

I take things step by step, minute by minute, day by day. I try not to think about a week from now. For now I stop and think about what is going to happen today.

sorry for the mismatched blog. One day it will all make more sense. Right now this is all I have in me.

From "The Shack"

2009-04-21T16:56:00.002-07:00

been re-reading this lately. This paragraph got me. It is "God" talking to Mack. Mack is on the verge of tears and fighting the emotion.

" 'It's okay honey, you can let it all out....I know you've been hurt, and I know you're angry and confused. So, go ahead and let it out. It does a soul good to let the waters run once in a while - the healing waters.'

But while Mack could not stop the tears from filling his eyes, he was not ready to let go - not yet, not with this woman. With every effort he could muster, he kept himself from falling back into the black hole of his emotions. Meanwhile, this woman stood there with her arms outstretched as if they were the very arms of his mother. He felt the presence of love. It was warm, inviting, melting.

'Not ready?' she responded. 'That's okay, we'll do things on your terms and time.' " pg. 83

I am really not sure what else to say right now. Except that I think I can relate...

ups and downs

2009-04-17T12:03:00.004-07:00

I have good days and bad days.

I have noticed when I wake up angry with the world and stop to pray it has really helped. I just have to STOP and remember to do it...

Today I held a baby at mom's group. It is the first time I have been to mom's group in a couple months. Just circumstances didn't allow me to go and then the loss made me want to stay away from every one!
This sweet little boy stayed sleeping in my arms. It was hard to listen to people talking about the person being pregnant next to me but I was so happy for her at the same time. I looked down at this perfect baby boy and just smiled while I tried to fight the tears. Feeling like a FOOL the whole time.

I have been hearing and seeing God, just not allowing myself to acknowledge it. The enemy and my own thoughts really throw me for a loop a lot. I LOVE pregnant bellies, I love new babies (babies period).

I have noticed that I have been doing something VERY new to me. I have been taking things day by day. Step by step. Emotion by emotion. I have been re-reading "The Shack" again. Well trying to at least. I don't think about tomorrow. I don't think about tonight or four months down the road. I try not to think about it at least. I try to just take everything as it comes.

Right now it is a battle, most of life is. I am battling my own thoughts and trying to control a situation, which I am succeeding at because it is the ONE place I can control. Or so *I* think.

I guess there is really not much to say. Just that I have the ups and downs. But I KNOW better and I KNOW God is here. That He will help me through. I realize a little that He does have enough love for me. He must.....Maybe He is trying to tell me He doesn't love me any less or think of me as a failure although I sit beating myself up. There just seems like I have so much I need to do. So many areas to improve. So there is ups and downs. There is good and bad. There are moments. But I keep going day by day. If not for me then for my son and husband. Day by day. Prayer by Prayer.

I can't believe it!

2009-04-16T06:45:00.007-07:00

Three years ago today God gave us the MOST AMAZING gift. As of 6:40 this morning my special little boy "officially" turned 3!

wow how time has flown....

seconds after being born

all cozy

this morning opening presents:

"do I have to take a picture?"

half smile

blowing out his candle

the birthday pancake. Which he promptly freaked out at because it wasn't normal. He normally doesn't like sweets. Oops...

Foul Mood

2009-04-14T07:47:00.004-07:00

this morning I woke up in an absolutely FOUL mood.

I was pissy and grumpy.

Then before I even left my bedroom I stopped. I don't normally do this but today I did. I stopped and thanked God. Thanked Him that His mercies are new every morning and that it goes for me too. Then I asked Him for help to not be in such a crappy mood and so pissy. I prayed for strength.

Then I felt a little lighter. I didn't feel *as* pissy as I was. Sure things are still frustrating me, making me angry and making me feel over whelmed but this morning I am actually able to stop. To stop and just breathe. I haven't been able to do that yet.

I really hope that I am able to continue this throughout the day. I take things day by day. I am not trying to look too far in to the future. I feel over whelmed at all the stuff I have to clean and do. But then I think I hear God say, "One thing at a time. One thing at a time."

so thankfully God grants us His mercies new every morning. I know He is going to give me the strength to get through the day. Through all this crap. I just KNOW it in my heart. I just have to tell my mind to believe it.

I stopped and prayed. I felt the calm. I just hope I can keep remembering to stop and pray all day. Thank you Lord. You are so good. Thank you that you haven't given up on me.

"I will be calm and no longer angry." Ezekiel 16:42

I realized something this morning

2009-04-13T08:10:00.005-07:00

I used to think I WANTED God to break me. I wanted to be broken to the point where I could ONLY rely on God.

The thing is I think I may be there a little. But do I lean on God? I don't think so. I try but the other thoughts are so much louder. So much easier to believe.

I am thankful though that He is still here. Still trying. Still pursuing...

I have seen Him here and there during these times. I just need to lean on that again rather then letting the darkness tell me lies. So much easier to just say "do it" then to be able to actually DO IT. In the moment.

I have had problems turning to God a bit. I try to pray but I fail at that. Yet God keeps coming through and reminding me that He is still here. No matter how I feel like I can't hear Him or that I can't talk to Him. He is still talking to me.

I am pretty dang sure I am broken. Even if it is partially. I wanted it but now that it is here I am calling myself a liar. I am not so sure I really want it anymore.

2009-04-11T08:00:00.001-07:00

"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness'" (2 Cor 12:9)

"By Your Side"

2009-04-10T11:32:00.002-07:00

This song resonated today.....God is here. Thankfully. I just have to strive to remember....

Why are you striving these days
Why are you trying to earn grace
Why are you crying
Let me lift up your face
Just don't turn away

Why are you looking for love
Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough
To where will you go child
Tell me where will you run
To where will you run

And I'll be by your side
Wherever you fall
In the dead of night
Whenever you call
And please don't fight
These hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you

Look at these hands and my side
They swallowed the grave on that night
When I drank the world's sin
So I could carry you in
And give you life
I want to give you life

(Chorus 2x)

Cause I, I love you
I want you to know
That I, I love you
I'll never let you go.

~ Tenth Avenue North

(Chorus 2x)

Three Strikes and.............

2009-04-07T07:14:00.005-07:00

Yoooooooooooooooooou're OUT!

That is the constant saying that goes over and over in my own mind. This is not going to be a pleasant blog but I am hoping that by writing it I may be able to help myself. Maybe there might be someone else struggling with the same and understand. I still am not sure why I am sitting here writing this.

I FEEL like am a failure. I feel like I have let God down, my husband down, my son down, myself down and the child I could not carry to term. If you caught that, that is right I had another miscarriage. This baby I made it all the way to about 6 weeks 4 days. That is if I count it as when the bleeding first started.

I feel deflated, broken, hurt, angry, confused. Come on, three IN A ROW! What the hell! Then when I told someone about it they immediately started asking what was wrong, what is wrong with my body, why I can't carry another child to term. I said that I didn't know and asked for it to be dropped. I can beat myself up on my own without any help thankyouverymuch. I don't need any more help. I am doing a good enough job and Satan sneaks in there every moment.

I feel so numb that I can't pray. When I try praying I can't find the words. Just when I figured that I was holding it all together enough the tears squeak out. I just can't seem to keep them at bay.

My pastor this weekend was talking about grieving. I can tell you that I cried an awful lot that day. I tried to hide it but it couldn't stay hidden. He said that when he does funeral services he is glad to see those that are openly spilling their grief and tears and anger. He said it is the ones who keep to themselves and try to hold it all together that he worries about the most. But how can you NOT hold it all together. How can you try not to keep it together? I have to. I have a house to run. A house that is falling apart because I am trying to check out. He said that those who try to hold it all together are the ones who will end up having it come out sideways. That is the only thing I worry about.

I even found myself wanting to do something that would take away the pain. That will help me check out. But I can't. I have a toddler. I can't sleep at night anymore. I fall asleep angry, I wake up angry and on the verge of tears. I don't want to keep crying but I can't guarantee when they will or will not come. I really don't have an appetite but have forced myself to eat.

Then like a cruel joke my stupid belly stares at me. As I double over in pain my belly still looks swollen a bit. I was already swollen and puffing out in the belly area just prior to the loss. I am blessed to have had and have caring people on my side but I just don't know what to do. I can't take it anymore. I want to just check out. My hope is gone. I wait three months each time in between just to lose another one. Time and time again. I have said sorry so many times. I have been told that it is not my fault. How can it NOT be? It is my body. My body that is failing the baby. I can't seem to be able to bring these little angels to term so I fail God. I feel like I can't even talk to Him because I am so embarrassed. I can't find the words.

I know He has come to me a few times. I know He is there. I still hear Him. He has told me He is carrying me. That He hurts because I am hurting. But I push Him away. What kind of daughter does that? I guess you can say a hurting one.

I feel like I am out of the ball game. I feel like I just can't do this anymore. I don't want to wait another three months just to lose another one. But then part of me wonders why I even bother trying! I can't do this. I need something to just sleep for a week. You add all the emotions on top of not being able to sleep and you have me. Just on edge. My family is suffering. I don't deserve to be around them. They don't need me as a mother and a wife. I am on edge and I don't know how to come off. Part of me just wants to jump.

I really don't know where this is leading. Just a lot of hurt. Pain. Anger. I wish I could turn to God but I just don't know how right now. I do know that I find myself holding Cooper a little tighter and thanking God a little more for him.

APRIL FOOL'S!

2009-04-01T09:22:00.001-07:00

I really find this a pointless day myself but some people do the jokes and stuff.

I am thinking that God has a sense of humor.

Today we are expecting some snow flurries. It has already hit Maple Ridge and Langley. Come on it is April!

Makes me wonder if God is up there just laughing away. Good one!

Choosing to live

2009-03-31T07:35:00.004-07:00

The last few days I have heard a lot about dying to this world and choosing to live in Christ. I don't fully understand it to be honest. My mind has been a whirlwind of thoughts in this matter. I just can't seem to be able to understand it all.

I am pretty sure that the day I chose to accept Christ in to my heart I was choosing to live. Live in God's world. Live through His word. But lately I have been wondering if I do it.

I try to do the right things. I try to put others first. I am pretty sure I follow the ten commandments but sometimes I really wonder if I am really LIVING in Christ. I am so lost with this that it isn't even funny!

I know that right now I am going through some emotions and things that I am not ready to talk about but I am trying to fight. I am trying to trust God. To have faith in Him. However, I find myself fighting it. Giving in to the worldly thoughts, fears and worries. I go back to my old habits of worrying myself sick. I have to stop myself many times a day to pray. I am trying to get through it. I don't know how many times I have cried out to God. I can't count how many times I keep saying sorry. Sorry that I am not trusting. Sorry that I am trying to hold on. Sorry that I just don't understand. Thank God that He knows my heart. Because my mind gets in the way and muddles everything up. My heart wants all of Him. I want to live in Him, in His word.

I make goals but I don't keep them. I fail time and time again. Does He throw His hands in the air and say, "ah forget it. This one is a lost cause." Nope, He digs His heels in and holds me close as I try to fight it and run away. He digs in for the long haul. He wants me. He wants all of me. He has my heart. I trust Him more then anything in this world but my worldly mind tries to control things. To figure out and think about outcomes that are beyond my control. It needs to be all about Him. It needs to be all Him. I need God and His strength. So is that choosing to live in Him?

I want to live in Christ. I want to teach my son to choose God and to die to this world but how can I teach Him when I feel so lost myself? Guess this needs to be something I have to look up today....

I say I am choosing to live. Am I? Am I really? When I fight and when I worry is that failing? Is that giving in to this world? sigh....

told you my brain was muddled and confused!

Primetime with God - Daily devotional

2009-03-26T07:29:00.000-07:00

seems rather fitting YET AGAIN!

by Os Hillman
"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness" (2 Corinthians 12:9).

If you've ever been through a major crisis, you probably know what a communications "black hole" feels like. While you are in the pit of adversity, you feel that your world is collapsing, that your life is out of control--and that God is silent. The silence of a black hole is deafening. You feel isolated and alone. You question God's love, His care for you, and even His existence.

But even when it seems that God is distant and silent, your "heat shield" is still there, firm and reliable. In your black hole experience, God is teaching you to go deeper into your relationship with Him. You may think that your life is out of control and burning like a meteor, but in reality God, your heat shield, still protects you from the fiery forces that surround you.

Verse from this morning

2009-03-25T07:48:00.003-07:00

"For nothing is impossible with God" (Luke 1:37)

Trust

2009-03-22T11:26:00.003-07:00

So lately the big word that has been reoccurring for me is the word Trust. I don't trust easily unless I feel the right connection and then sometimes I trust too easily. A lot of the time that trust ends up being broken in one way or another. However that is what happens. We are only human after all.

Today I went up to "take the plunge" after church. For prayer to help trust God and to be patient and have the faith. This nice lady came and prayed with me. I think it is great when I get to hear people pray. You get to hear all the different ways God leads people to speak to Him on our behalf.

She had her arm behind me, kind of stopped me from falling backwards a bit as I was feeling dizzy. She asked me to close my eyes and just to picture Jesus. So I did. She asked what I felt or saw, I said that I felt His arms around me and He pulled me close to His chest. She asked me if I could feel His heart beat. I said I was pretty sure that I could. Then she asked me to listen to God. Asked what I heard. I said I heard "trust". She said that it was a big word.

So she continued to pray and talk to God. She asked that He talk to me and that I could hear Him clearly. Then she asked me if I could hear Him. I said yes. She asked what He said.
He told me "I will not abandon". She said that was a big one too. Then we thanked God for His words. She asked me to look in His eyes. She said, can you do that? I said no.

"why?" she asked

"Because He is too big for me to look at His eyes and I just want to keep my head on His chest right now."

Needless to say that was amazing. I loved it. I NEED to trust God. I need to be calm and just relax in Him. I find it hard as my mind takes over and goes in to over drive. I think way too much and have problems over analyzing things. I am taking things day by day. Trying really hard to. My life is in God's hands and it always will be. I am thankful that He pursues me and continues to love me in all my flaws.

I am trying really hard and I know my heart wants to trust but my mind gets in the way. This shouldn't be so hard so I try to hand it over to God. This morning I felt His presence as tears fell during a very powerful song. I felt tingles in my hands and warmth come over me as His wonderfully loving Holy Spirit washed over me. Whispering to trust. Telling me He is there.

I will trust. No matter how hard I have to work to fight off my own brain. A wonderful journey and feeling.

Had this come to my mind last night as I was praying

2009-03-19T07:24:00.003-07:00

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight." Prov. 3:5-6

the trip was great!

2009-03-18T07:24:00.003-07:00

we have been back for about a week now but I just didn't know what to write. Imagine that!

I needed that break too. I don't feel AS attacked as before I left. It was a great time with all my family. Most of the family seperated to do the bigger rides but Phil and I stayed with Cooper. We had a blast.

Cooper loved the teacups. Well, basically anything that went round and round. Mommy didn't like it so much. But it was all worth it for him. Daddy and I were burned and we arrived at LAX to go home only to find our plane was delayed due to SNOW!

He did great traveling. No major melt downs the whole time. He really liked Mickey. here are a couple pics.

safe in his carseat on the plane

round and round on the tea cups.

hanging on to daddy because it was going so fast. (I just kept my eye in the view finder. lol)

family shots.
with Mickey

with Woody and Jessie

and how can I forget Cooper's FAVORITE! He loves McQueen and Mater. He was hesitant to touch him at first. Like "could this really be real!" but then was super excited when he did touch him. That was a highlight for him as well as Daddy and I.

SWEEEEEEEEEEEEEET!

2009-03-04T21:56:00.001-08:00

in less then 12 hours I will be waiting for our airplane. In 12.5 hours I will be loading the carseat on to the plane and getting ready to fly.

we are packed and ready to go.

Heading to DISNEYLAND! All expenses (except for spending $) are paid. I am so excited. There will be pictures when we get back. I hope Cooper likes it!

BYE BYE Blog world!!

Some words I need to focus on

2009-03-03T13:32:00.002-08:00

and it is ME that needs to learn to just hold fast to the scripture.

"If God is for us, who can be against us?" Romans 8:31

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28

"For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 8:38-39

I really have nothing more to say. My mind is a muddle of mush and I don't even want to be in there! sigh......

You are NOT worthy

2009-03-02T21:42:00.002-08:00

that sentence from the enemy rings so loud and true in my own mind right now. Tonight I tried sharing what was on my heart and everyone got up and walked out. I am sure it was unintentional and they must not have realized I was sharing but it hurt me deep. Last night a friend got up and walked out on me because of a disagreement.

I have slowly been letting my walls back down, slowly starting to let people in but it has turned out to just bite me in the ass. It breaks my heart when people walk out on me. It proves to me that I am NOT worthy.

God is fighting for me telling me I am worthy. Yet the actions of others ring loud and feel true. It hurts. It hurts bad. I can't stand being hurt. I am sure no one can really.

So standing up for myself has only caused conflict and made me to feel even more unworthy then before. I feel so hurt and lost that I really don't know what to do. I know the enemy is playing on it and having a hay day with it. I will make sure I try to reach to God but right at this moment I feel so lost that I don't know how to.

I am not worthy.

Yes I AM.

sigh..........what is the truth? God.

Risk - Part two

2009-02-28T08:43:00.002-08:00

Sure every day we take risks. You risk getting in to the car when you go to drive some where. You risk that every night you wake up the next morning. Last night I heard some talk on risk. On taking those risks. That in essence risk = faith. So true.

I am not the type that likes to take risks. Depends upon what it is but I am not one who likes confrontation or new things. Yet usually these "new things" end up being good things. Walking with God is a Risk we choose to take. My heart wants it all soooo bad. Yet I can hear myself standing there arguing.

Risk is faith. Having the faith to do something that scares you or you are not comfortable with is sometimes a hard thing to over come. Last night I took the "risk" of going to this place where I knew no one. I knew OF three people. I was uncomfortable. I was scared. I was feeling alone. I had someone pray with me and tell me that I was welcomed and to allow myself to feel His love and feel His arms wrap around me. At the end we were invited up for prayer if we wanted it. I swear she looked RIGHT AT ME and it pierced through to my heart. Like God was telling me, "baby, get up. Go and ask for prayer. You are safe here."

"But I don't want to. I barely know these women. It is out of my comfort zone. It is stretching me too thin and I really, really don't want to be broken."

"I am stretching you so that you can see that I am here to support you. I am here to guide you and give you the peace that your heart so desperately desires. Stop fighting it and trust me baby. Trust me."

"I am scared."

"I know you are but trust me I am that risk that is worth taking. You will never regret it."

So what did I do? I stood up and went up to talk to them. Just to talk, not to ask for prayer, not to let myself be vulnerable. Not to allow the risk of showing my hurts, my pain, my fears. But GOD allowed it. I felt like a complete moron! I barely know these people. They are going to think I am psycho. They are going to think that I belong in a nut house. They are going to hate me and not want to be near me or around me. All lies from the devil. He is a tricky bugger. Makes it so that you BELIEVE his damn lies and you stay in that comfort zone, you don't let people in. You keep up those walls. You knock yourself down. After all he doesn't want you to get close to God because that will defeat him. He wants you to stay stuck. To not feel like YOU are a risk worth taking.

So I took the risk. Was it worth it? I think it might have been. Although I do find myself sitting wondering if I said the wrong words, if I blubbered like an idiot, if I looked stupid for crying. But what is God doing? Telling me to stop. Telling me that He is PROUD of me for taking that risk. I can't believe it. HE IS PROUD OF ME. Really? Why? I may not get a clear answer there but I think all these steps are a part of my journey. My little bit of hell and struggle. He is the light in this hell, the warmth in this cold room, the arms that carry me when I can not walk anymore.

I am scared. I am very scared. Fear stops me. It always has. Unless it is to protect someone else I am not worth taking that time to protect or to grow. But my heart wants to grow. It wants to take the risk. I know that God is worth it. I am slowly starting to understand that He really does love me. His arms pulled me close last night and held me. His words of kindness engulfed me. He made me to feel safe. I am safe in Him. I just have to step out of my box and take this risk. The risk to love. After all He sent His son as a step of Risk to save us. To save me. To save you. So if God really thinks that I am in fact worth it, then I need to know in my heart that God is worth it.

So I gingerly take the risk. I gingerly take the step. I am looking for the window out. I am wanting and needing healing. I can't go on much more the way I am. It can't get much worse in my heart. So as I sit here today I ask God,
help me to please take the risk that you are worth. Help to guide me. To keep me strong, to allow myself to be weak and vulnerable. To know that You are there. You will protect me. Thank you. Help me because I cannot do it on my own. Thank you for taking a risk on me. It is my turn to return the favor.

Risks are scarey.....fear sucks.....God is worth it. I am worth it. I CAN be free in Him.

Risks....

2009-02-27T22:19:00.001-08:00

there are some that are worth taking.

more to come on this. Just needed to write it down before I forget. So much to sort out in my own head before I can even begin to make sense of it. I don't know if I ever will. But hearing a message tonight on risk hit home.

"The LORD is good, a refuge in time of trouble. He cares for those who trust in Him." ~Nahum 1:7

Risks....

2009-02-27T22:19:00.000-08:00

Feeling AHHHHHHH

2009-02-26T07:01:00.003-08:00

The last few days I have been feeling a lot of bitterness and anger. This morning was and is no exception.

I don't know what is going on. I don't know if this is the enemy or not. I do know that today I have to make sure I dive in to the gospel. I have to.

I am ready to make some flipping heads FLY. I haven't been sleeping well. Can't get a nap in either. Last night the last time I remember seeing was 11:30. Only to be WOKEN up at 2:30 by the neighbors above me MOVING FURNITURE. Who the HECK moves furniture at 2:30 in the morning. I am thinking of heading up there today or making Phil. I should have gone storming up there this morning. Phil was woken by it but fell back asleep. I, on the other hand, did not. I fell asleep at 5:30, only to be woken by my GRUMPY child at 5:47 (yes exactly, looked at the clock). Throwing a fit because he didn't want to go back to bed. He didn't want to potty etc. He did go back to bed only to wake up at 6:20. Then up for the day. So I am running on about 4 hours of sleep. I don't know how people do it. I can't do it. Then you add a headache from not getting sleep, a sore neck, being itchy and crankiness. Sure I would ask for some cheese with my whine but the cheese is why I am itchy. Milk products don't like me unless it is organic.

So it is like I am a teapot that is about ready to let the whistle go and boil over. I am sure if you look at me you will see smoke coming out of my ears. You won't have to look hard either.

Then I have been arguing with my son (arguing with an almost 3 year old gets you really far in life, didn't you know). I have been arguing with Phil. I am feeling like I shouldn't be talking to anyone. I have been feeling sensitive and attacked. Right now the anger and frustration is just SEETHING from me. There is more but I am not going to mention it or get in to it here.

I don't know what to do. I don't know where this is coming from. I am really at a loss. I don't know if this is the enemy or if it is just my own fault. Either way I don't know how to kick it. I feel like I am spiraling down. I am looking forward to class tonight because I know there will be worship. I just feel SO DAMN DONE. I don't know what to do! I just want to pull my hair out and run away SCREAMING. I wish I could sleep but I have issues falling asleep and if I get woken up after finally falling asleep forget about it!

What is going on! I was reading "walking with God" and John talked about how his sleep was interrupted and it was an attack from Satan. Is that what is happening here? Guess I need to take these questions to God. I am not sure how to. It is times like this when I wish I had the amazing gift of tongues. I can't find the words at all. Time to go and read some of His word. Oh after I feed my hungry child. I have zero appetite and I know I should eat. I just don't want to!

Glory Defined - Building 429

2009-02-25T07:02:00.000-08:00

Woke up with the chorus of this song in my head. Seems pretty fitting. Will listen to the radio today rather then CD's. Just in case I get to hear it.

Glory Defined - Building 429

There's always a better way
there's always a bridge that needs crossing
there's always the straight and the narrow
the wide and the shallow
But I know that you're guiding me
and the best is yet to come
You've given me hope for tomorrow
and I know some day

Chorus
I'll wake up to find
Your glory defined
and I will finally bow at your feet
I will lift up your name in honor and praise
when I cross over Jordan
I know that I'll be running home to you

It's always the simple things
it's always the obvious that crashes over me
It's always in front of me
it helps me to remember
this is what I live for
and I can't wait

Chorus

there's never a question in your message
never a moment without your presence
there's never a doubt in my mind
that I'll

Chorus

Who am I?

2009-02-23T22:51:00.002-08:00

That is a question I have been asking myself a lot lately. I have been asking God again and again who I am. Why I am the way I am. Why I look the way I do. I keep hearing over and over that it is because He loves me. "I love you baby. You are perfect." Yet all I see is weakness and flaws. The tears well and want to fall.

Who am I?
The tears brim on the edge
of spilling over into
a heart that can't hold anymore.
Not knowing who I am and
why I am the way I am.
Not knowing what path You are
having me to walk down I
stop out of fear.
I hesitate to take the next step
and fight it as much as
I can but I am now tired.
I can't keep fighting against it.
Against the healing.
Against the pain.
Against the hurt.
Against the tears.
Against the new beginning.

Who am I?
I am weak.
I am human.
I cry, I ache and I break.
Breaking in to pieces I am afraid
I won't be able to be put back together again.
I see one set of footprints
and it is because You are carrying me.

Who am I?
I am a vulnerable daughter.
I am reliant on My Maker.
I have a heart wanting Him more.
I am a daughter saved by Grace.
Engulfed and wrapped in Your
forever loving mercy.

I am yours.
I am loved.
I am free.

I am not sure if that makes sense as the tears fall. I ache but I want to rely and lean on God so badly. I pray it and cry it out over and over and over. I need to let go of the feelings of the world and trust that God will NOT leave me. He will NEVER forsake me. He loves me just the way I am. Hurt, vulnerable, scared, lonely and real. He takes me as I am. He won't leave me. Praise God.

Within a matter of minutes

2009-02-21T07:10:00.002-08:00

Yesterday afternoon I had a little nap. Before I fell asleep I asked God to please show me that He is there, to help me to understand His love for me. To understand and to just trust.

So when I woke up I had Isaiah 46:11 ring in my head. I thought maybe it was a verse about a lamb being carried by Christ. I liked that verse. So I went to look it up and read "What I have said, that will I bring about; what I have planned, that will I do." ummmm....ok that doesn't make sense and doesn't seem relevant but I will write it down anyway.

So I went back to my concordance trying to find the specific verse I was looking for. I couldn't find it and was getting a bit frustrated. It was at this point I was ready to email a friend and ask where it was. Instead I stopped and asked God to help me find it and I heard the word "carry". So I went to that word. I FOUND IT! I was so excited.

To add to the fact that I found it I realized that I really was not far off. I was 6 chapters off. The verse I found, and was looking for, was found in Isaiah 40:11. "He tends his flock like a shepherd; He gathers the lambs in his arms and carries them close to his heart". So I opened my journal and wrote down both verses. I looked at the bottom of the page I was writing on and I saw another verse. "God has said, 'Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.' So we say with confidence, 'the Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid.' " Hebrews 13:5-6

wow! That was three verses all in the matter of minutes. Then on my way home last night Chuck Swindoll, from Insight for living was talking. HIS message even rang true. He was talking about God's love and how He is there for us. I am actually planning on re-listening to the message online. He said something along the lines that we have received God's grace. That we didn't deserve God's grace but were given it anyway because of HIS mercy.

I just really felt God yesterday and heard Him talking to my heart. This morning I am tired and grumpy as all heck but I have tried a new thing. I turned to God. I prayed out loud, even as I puttered, and asked Him to give me the strength to get through the day. To fight this feeling of anger and grumpiness. Then I condemned the enemy and commanded him to leave in Jesus' name. I feel better already! I put down my foot and made the choice to reach to God. It felt good. I just have to remember to KEEP it up!

Spiritual Battles

2009-02-20T06:27:00.007-08:00

You know, I really am not sure what they are or even if I go through them. I am sure we all do to a certain extent.

I have noticed lately that I get really dizzy and to the point where I almost pass out. Then I feel like I have to leave the area or the situation. Last night was no exception. I take a class at the local church and I have been really enjoying it. I was standing there worshiping and the songs were great. Felt them in my heart so deeply. Then the tears fell. I was "worried" about someone seeing me cry and the dizziness was getting to me so I turned around, with my head down and left to compose myself.

I had dream after dream last night of fighting this fight. But it is the good fight. Right? The thing is that I know in my heart that this is the Good Fight. So I stand shaking but ready to fight. My suit of armor clad upon me.
I am looking for a certain verse about running the race and fighting the good fight and came across this verse. It seems pretty fitting.

"Fight the good fight of the faith. Take hold of the eternal life to which you were called when you made your good confession in the presence of many witnesses." 1Timothy 6:12

I want to be able to be like Paul and say these things. I want to be able to be a witness to Christ, to be able to stand strong and say "I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith." 2Timothy 4:7

So with perseverance I stand ready. At least I know I HAVE to stand ready. I can't stay stuck where I am. I have the good days and the bad days. I MUCH prefer the good days of being high on God. The speaker last night made a good point about how when you get in to the word of God the enemy sneaks in and gets you in your weak points. He hits you where he knows that your insecurities lie. Then it ends up getting you so lost and stuck in to the darkness that you become silent. Then the enemy is pleased because he has encouraged you to keep silent. To not talk to God. When you don't talk to God the enemy wins.

Satan sucks and it would just be better that he didn't exist but you really can't have one without the other. Unfortunately he does exist but with God's help we can fight. We can stay strong.

So upon closing I found the verse I was looking for. Today I will chose to let God do the healing. I know it won't be easy. I know it is going to hurt like hell. I know that I may crash BUT I also know that this is the good race and this is the good fight. God IS with me. He will NOT leave me. I have to remember that. Whether I feel Him here or not is irelivant, the fact that I KNOW He is there is what matters the most.
Our struggles on this earth are not against flesh and blood, but against higher things, more worldly things and spiritual forces. So today I will be trying to make a new choice. To stand ready to fight. With the armor of God protecting me. So I "throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and [I will] run with perseverance the race marked out for [me]." Hebrews 12:1

I need to let go of the idea that I will do this alone because I won't. God is there, He is fighting with me and for me. He will send merciful peacemakers and people who will guide me and help me along this path. If I stop and think about that I know that it is already true. That He is already doing that. So time to grow up and fight the good fight! At this moment I stand bold (or at least try to anyway)and I will try. I will try to stop and be still in God.

Craziness

2009-02-19T10:09:00.004-08:00

So last night the smoke alarm went off. Well I thought it was the smoke alarm. I thought how weird it was because we were done dinner and there was no smoke. I didn't even burn dinner! Then the following all happened in a matter of seconds.
I realized, hey that alarm sounds different. I think it is the fire alarm. Then I could hear the alarm out in the hall. These alarms only go off if there is a fire in the building somewhere. The strip on the sprinklers has to break in the area the fire is in for the alarms to go off. So off I go.

Cooper was great. Followed me. I ran to his room, grabbed his hat and bear. Then by the front door I grabbed his coat and shoes. Slipped my shoes on and picked him up. I reached for the front door and stopped. Wait! Have to check for heat. I didn't remember in the moment if it was the palm of my hand or back of my hand so I felt with both. Door was cold. I looked out the peep hole. No smoke or flames. So I opened the door and went out in to the hall. I went straight for the stair well. Telling people to come down the stairs and cross the street. Helped a mom with twins to guide them to the stairs. I got outside and across the street. Sat Cooper down and put his coat, hat and shoes on. THEN I realized I didn't grab my purse or my coat. Oh well not going back in and Cooper is safe.

Then I smelled it. The smoke was sickening. The fire department came, police closed off our street. A couple of lookie loos got in an accident at the end of the street. The firemen had to pull the lady out of her burning suite because she was walking around in the smoke looking for her cat! So she was taken to the hospital with smoke inhalation. So five fire trucks, two ambulances and a handful of police cars were on our street. As we were going outside from the building I told Cooper we get to see fire trucks. I was so proud of him. He listened to me and did really good. Phil was at his mom's. My neighbour let me use her phone and call her then he came home.

I found myself praying and thanking God that we were safe, and that we have house insurance! The fire was the floor below me and two doors over. Thankfully I have no smoke damage and we were allowed back in. My poor neighbour had to leave the building though.

I could have started to blame God because this was just another thing to add to all the crap but I surprised even myself. I didn't blame. I did nothing but praise and thank Him.
"I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
Every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm " - Casting Crowns

I chose to look at the positive. It could have been SOOOO much worse. I did make a joke to my neighbour saying, dang I just got those passports. Of course everything was in the house and I would have lost a lot but our place was fine. More importantly WE are fine. God was watching out for us. He had our back. He helped me keep a level head and get outside. My main focus was my child. I am sure if I had an animal I would have left them. Nothing against animals but your priorities change.

It is moments like these that I KNOW He is there. I need to make sure I try really hard to focus on that. Easier said then done. When the darkness and hurt engulf you you struggle. You don't know where to turn. The enemy plays on your insecurities. But as God made it evident last night, He really does care. He does watch out for ME. I don't get it but I guess there are things that just need to have the faith to believe in. THIS Father won't leave me. He loves me. He protects me. Now to let it sink in and try to remember it. To try to shake this darkness.

"Listen, my [daughter], accept what I say, and the years of your life will be many." Prov. 9:10

SAMARA!!

2009-02-17T09:56:00.006-08:00

Happy Belated birthday honey!

I can't believe Sam turned 2 on the 15th. I remembered but forgot to post. sigh...At least I hope mom would forgive me for that! Sorry Chel...

Here she is just hours old

her dedication done on June 24. So about 4 months old

mom you can shoot me later but I think it is a nice picture!

Just this past Christmas

Surrender: Let Go and Let God Work

2009-02-17T09:04:00.001-08:00

by Rick Warren

Surrender yourself to the Lord, and wait patiently for him. Psalm 37:7 (GWT)

*** *** *** ***

Surrendering your life means:

· Following God’s lead without knowing where he’s sending you;

· Waiting for God’s timing without knowing when it will come;

· Expecting a miracle without knowing how God will provide;

· Trusting God’s purpose without understanding the circumstances.

You know you’re surrendered to God when you rely on God to work things out instead of trying to manipulate others, force your agenda, and control the situation. You let go and let God work.You don’t have to always be in charge. Instead of trying harder, you trust more.

You also know you’re surrendered when you don’t react to criticism and rush to defend yourself.

Surrendered hearts show up best in relationships. You are not self-serving, you don’t edge others out, and you don’t demand your rights.

The most difficultthing for many people to surrender is their money. Many have thought, “I want to live for God but I also want to earn enough money to live comfortably and retire someday.”

Retirement is not the goal of a surrender life, because it competes with God for the primary attention of our lives. Jesus said, “You cannot serve both God and money,” (Matthew 6:24 NIV)and “Wherever your treasure is, your heart will be also” (Matthew 6:21 NIV).

The supreme example of self-surrender is Jesus. The night before his crucifixion Jesus surrendered himself to God’s plan. He prayed, “Father, everything is possible for you. Please take this cup of suffering away from me. Yet I want your will, not mine” (Mark 14:36 NLT).

Jesus didn’t pray, “God, if you’re able to take away this pain, please do so.” He began by affirming that God can do anything! He prayed, “God, if it is in your best interest to remove this suffering, please do so. But if it fulfills your purpose, that’s what I want, too.”

Genuine surrender says, “Father, if this problem, pain, sickness, or circumstance is needed to fulfill your purpose and glory in my life or in another’s life, please don’t take it away!”

This level of maturity doesn’t come easy.In Jesus’ case, he agonized so much over God’s plan that he sweat drops of blood. Surrender is hard work. In our case, it requires intense warfare against our self-centered nature.

Love

2009-02-16T07:22:00.008-08:00

I am not the type of person who easily says "I love you". Never have been. Been hurt too often and I have to REALLY feel it. Of course I feel love for some people but in order to say "I love you" it has to be from deep within.
Quite frankly I think it is more of the fact that I am afraid that if I tell someone I love them they will in turn end up leaving me. I have had that a lot this past year. It sucks. Alot. Then in my hurt I walk away. I put up a wall. Then I end up being alone because I am too afraid to let others in.

That is my downfall. I don't trust easily. Sometimes I jump in to things with both feet and I end up letting my guard down too easily. That is pretty dumb if you ask me. It only ends up with me getting hurt in the end. Only ends up with me building a stronger wall.
So I have pushed people away and people have pushed me away. It hurts. Deep down in my heart I hurt myself. I am lonely but it is my own fault. I don't know HOW to let my guard down and let people in.

I have realized that I am doing the same to God. Ouch. I wonder if His heart aches as much as mine. I don't want to not let Him in. I am told that He won't leave me. He won't stop loving me. After all Jesus died for ME. Yet for some reason I can't seem to get that to sink in.
I am a sinner. I am not trusting God. I need to trust Him. I want to trust Him. I have to do this walk in faith and that is the big key. So by not trusting God and by not fulling allowing His love in to my heart I am hurting the one who should matter the most.
I cut myself down. A lot. If I can learn to just let God in then I am sure I can let go of that. If I can just accept that He is love I can learn to love myself. But it is hard. It is really hard. The old habits of not letting anyone in so I don't get hurt is strong. I am afraid of God giving up on me. I am afraid of Him hurting me. I am afraid.
Fear. Fear is not of God! sigh....
yet I still have it. Part of me wants to be broken and to just fully give it over to Him but I am not sure how. The thing is that I KNOW if I ask Him to break me to the point where I can only rely on Him, He will. So I have faith in that. I also have faith that if He does break me He will be there to support me and encourage me. Yet I have not asked for it out of fear. There it is again fear.
Love is greater then fear, is it not? Yet my fear keeps me grounded and stuck. How do I get out? I read scriptures and everything. I understand what the scriptures, or devotionals are saying to me (most of the time). I can talk to people about God and Jesus, I LOVE to talk about it actually, yet here I sit confused. Confused, scared, alone. If only I can stop being so damn stubborn and trust that God loves me. He loves me no matter how ugly or fat I feel. No matter how blonde I can act. No matter how many times I get confused. Knowing that makes me want to cry. HOW. WHY. I don't deserve it.

"you are right baby, you don't deserve it. YOU think you don't deserve it but I think and feel you do."

"even though I don't give it all to you Daddy? Even though I struggle to hold on? Even though I LOVE you with all my heart I am scared."

"I know you are scared baby. I know your heart. I know you love Me. I know that your heart is true. I feel the struggle that you are going through. I won't give up on you. I will keep fighting for you day in and day out. I won't let go. For when you are weak baby I am strong."

"you won't EVER leave? *tears falling now* No matter how stubborn I am? No matter how scared I am?"

"NEVER EVER BABY. NEVER."

"Help me God. Help me to trust. Help me to let you in. To know that you are not going to hurt me. That all things that happen work out for your good. Help me to not guard so strongly."

"I am baby. I am. Step by step. You are working, you are struggling and that is ok. It is ok because I am right here."

That is hard. I don't like being hurt, who does, and when I let my guard down enough to love I get hurt. I end up alone. But it is all my fault. So I feel stupid. When I love it is fully and with my whole heart. So when I get hurt it is my whole heart breaking time and time again. I just feel like I can't do it anymore. Maybe it is time to just put all my love in to God. Keep my faith in Him. Know that He will guide me.

I am sure this won't make sense as it doesn't make sense to me! Dreams last night made me realize how bad I am aching. But it is ok. I am here in this time and place for a reason. God is with me. I have to have the faith. He will work this all out for good. Because He loves me. He loves me. Time to stop hurting Him. What a bad daughter I am...

2009-02-15T07:40:00.001-08:00

"O LORD, you have searched me and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O LORD" (Ps 139:1-4)

Nursing

2009-02-13T07:50:00.003-08:00

*this is my view and my view only. This is NOT to start a debate. If it does at all the post will be removed. Discussion is fine but no debates, no knocking someone down and no name calling*

I am very fortunate to have been lucky enough to nurse Cooper. I was able to breast feed him until 15 months when I had to go on meds that I didn't feel comfortable taking while nursing. 19 months later I still have milk.
I LOVE pumping and nursing. I found it made me feel like I had a great purpose. I was very lucky that I didn't get breast infections, I didn't have to fight for my supply and Cooper nursed well. To this day when I see people nurse I smile. I love the idea of it.
I was prepared before having Cooper that it would be painful. I didn't know JUST how painful it would actually be. Mind you it was only pain in the beginning as your body got used to clamps. lol! I was determined NOT to use formula. Although I do not find anything wrong with formula and I am glad it is there for those that choose to use it or can't nurse. When I see someone nursing I still feel like I have an infant nursing. It is the best feeling and I still have dreams about it. I do hope it is something everyone gets the opportunity to do!

Now here is why I bring this all up.
There was a video of Selma Hayeck (sorry if I spelt the name wrong) nursing a hungry African baby. Some people have been saying it was selfish, sick, what if she got a disease etc. Umm..the risk of disease transfer while breast feeding is a lot lower then the fact that a child will die from hunger. I think it was a very unselfish thing for her to do. To be honest I think I would have done it as well.

There are mother's out there that freak out if their children see a nursing baby. The breasts were created for milk far before they were seen as sexual. Think about it. Think about how God made it all work, that the milk flows, it is life giving and nurturing. There is nothing better. Oh no! Don't look now there is a child eating their meal! I see a breast. Good gravy people!

I also don't think a mother should have to go in to a bathroom to nurse, or be kicked out of a restaurant or anything just because she is nursing. I don't even think you should have to cover up. I cover up because I am more modest. But who knows if I have another child I may not be so modest! After all do you sit in the bathroom to eat, do you get kicked out of a restaurant, do you eat with a blanket over your head?

This just has been on my mind since seeing the wonderful video. I probably would have nursed until at least 2, or whenever he self weaned. I have not ever blogged about it yet because there is so many opinions on the matter. But this is my blog and my thoughts. This just happens to be one of them! I hope everyone is blessed enough to nurse a child. I think it is a great gift from God.

and THAT is my two cents on the matter.....

This and that.

2009-02-08T20:56:00.006-08:00

It has been a couple days. Lately I have been blogging a lot more. However I have been dealing with some hurt and trying to sort things out. I wasn't too sure I was ready to post.

I started to miscarry back in June of 2008. My due date was on the 2nd of this month. Yes I took it hard. You can roll your eyes or leave the blog, it doesn't matter to me. Because the fact that I was "only 5.5 weeks" is significant to me. Yes it was a life and yes I was and am still grieving. I never allowed myself to grieve in the first place.

So instead of holding a new baby in my arms or anticipating labor on that day I got to go for my very first mammogram. Yes it was GREAT FUN! No sarcasm what-so-ever! LOL! Yeah I have heard those things were painful and people were right. The fact that the date was already bothering me didn't help. Neither did the cold technician.

My doctor is not worried about the lump so neither am I. I obviously trust my doctor with my life and to top it off I trust GOD even more. So that is pretty huge for me. I trust that He knows what He is doing because I sure as heck don't. So I didn't have to worry about nursing or being pregnant to do these tests. I go for an ultrasound on said breast later this month. Wahoo! But I really am not concerned. It helps to have a doctor that listens to you and validates your feelings. That will tell you how it is and be straight to the point. If she isn't worried neither am I.

I have withdrawn from a lot lately. It is no one's fault but my own. I do that even without realizing. I don't really talk to anyone about things going on in my head or in my heart because I don't want to be judged. I will be judged because we are all human and unfortunately that is what human's do. Whether they mean to or not. You can see it in their faces.

So I have been trying to just let the tears fall because I did feel a little better when I allowed myself to cry. If you know me well enough or you have been following this blog long enough, you know that I don't allow myself to cry. For some reason I have to hold a higher standard for myself then anyone else.

Although this may be a storm right now or I may have a battle in my soul I sit here with a thankful and grateful heart. A heart full of thanksgiving to God. Sure I am a bit angry, a bit sad and frustrated but I am thankful. Why? Because I know that in the midst of this storm God is carrying me. When I am no longer strong enough to keep walking He has me in His arms and is carrying me.
The storms that I may go through will be for good. God does not do wrong or bad things. They are all for good. They will work out for His Glory. I may not see it now but years down the road or even months I may look back and go "WELL DANG! That makes sense and that is why I went through that."

I know He has a plan for my life although I do not know what it is. I will choose to be ok with that. I will choose to keep healing, keep stretching and keep feeling. I am with Him in faith. I am so thankful that in this time He is using it all for good. Sure I hurt. Sure I can sound or act strong but I am not. I am hurting inside. I am not ready to let out all the things I am thinking. I am not ready to let anyone in. I am not ready to pour my heart out. BUT I am ready to walk in Faith, to Trust and to keep on keeping on.

Just a bit about me. Don't be surprised if this gets deleted. Just something about telling the world about my mammogram makes it feel a bit personal. Yet you never know who you can help just by telling the story that you are walking. He is right beside me, walking with me hand in hand. Thank You.

Footprints

2009-02-02T17:01:00.001-08:00

One night I had a dream--
I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord
and across the sky flashed scenes from my life.
For each scene I noticed two sets of footprints,
one belonged to me and the other to the Lord.
When the last scene of my life flashed before me,
I looked back at the footprints in the sand.
I noticed that many times along the path of my life,
there was only one set of footprints.
I also noticed that it happened at the very lowest
and saddest times in my life.
This really bothered me and I questioned the Lord about it.
"Lord, you said that once I decided to follow you,
you would walk with me all the way,
but I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life
there is only one set of footprints.
"I don't understand why in times when I needed you most,
you should leave me."
The Lord replied, "My precious, precious child,
I love you and I would never, never leave you
during your times of trial and suffering.
"When you saw only one set of footprints,
it was then that I carried you."

...Mary Stevenson

Taking the Plunge

2009-02-01T11:59:00.005-08:00

The service today was on betrayal and trusting God. The pastor at The Bridge talked about Esau and Jacob.

At the end of the service they invite people to "take the plunge". To step up and receive prayer. Today they challenged us to come up, if we wanted, and have our hands anointed with oil. Symbolizing that we were receiving blessing for the work that we make with our hands and finances that we bring in. At the end of Genesis 28 it mentions how Jacob found God and decided that "all that you give me I will give you a tenth." v. 22

Here Jacob was worshiping God and telling Him that he will give back 10%. That has been a real struggle for us. We find it hard to part with that money but as we came in to the new year both Phil and I decided to make that choice. To give back to God what rightfully belongs to Him in the first place. After all it is God who is granting us this money and our jobs. In this time of uncertainty we rely on God and thank Him for what we do have.

So I decided to take the plunge and step up. Have my hands anointed, blessed and prayed over. I asked Phil if he wanted to come with me and he had said no. That he didn't feel the need to come up. So I went up by myself. Then I felt Phil come stand beside me and we took the plunge as a couple.

The lady that came up and put the oil in my hand said a prayer. It was an amazing experience. I couldn't hear her words but what I FELT was mind boggling.

I may lose people here but honestly this happened....

The lady put the oil in my hand. First my right then my left. It was an incredible moment. I FELT like my hand was being pierced. I pictured Christ having His hands nailed to the cross. Felt the piercing through my own hand and wondered how He endured that. How and why He was able to do that for me. Why? Because He loves me. I am still thinking about the how He could do it but I think it may be because He knows His Father, our Father, loves him.

At first I was a skeptic. I thought maybe it was whatever oil they were using. That maybe it was reacting with my skin. But then in that exact moment I decided to believe it was God and to feel His presence. I didn't feel the same sensation in my left hand. Oil was put in both. So if it was from the oil I would have felt it in that one as well. But I didn't. It was only in my right hand and almost made me buckle at the knees. It wasn't painful feeling just pressure and it literally felt like a nail was being driven through my skin, through my hand. Felt about an inch in diameter. It felt so real that I had to close my eyes and when I opened them I even felt I had to look at my hand. There was nothing there. I can still feel the sensation a bit.

It was like Jesus was sharing His pain with me, showing me that He is here. That He is blessing us and will take care of us. That His hands are strong and will help us. Although it may be a tough time and I rebuke Satan when he starts to tell me, well if you didn't tithe you could have.....I am choosing to trust God. I rebuke Satan and tell Him that God has my back and will support me and my family. I am choosing to trust in God.

So I left service thanking God and praising Him for the feeling He gave me. I tried to explain it to Phil as well and I worried he would think I was crazy but he didn't. I try to get the words out now and it just seems like the words don't justify the experience. It was a great experience that I hope to always treasure and remember. I feel blessed by Him. I trust Him and will continue to walk with Him. Whether I FEEL Him or not. I walk in Faith. I believe it was my faith that allowed me to feel a part of Him in the moment. I feel very blessed and am grateful for the experience. I am glad I took the plunge.....

Break these chains

2009-01-31T21:22:00.001-08:00

Comfort Zones

2009-01-29T21:47:00.003-08:00

I really am starting to think that they are over rated.

If you know me really well you know that to start out I am a shy person. If I don't feel in my element I am very shy and quiet. I know it is hard to believe!

Tonight I went to a course at a local church teaching about the Old Testament. I am really excited to learn about it. Just one problem though. I didn't know anyone. I sat next to people at dinner who I didn't even know. They were all chatting but I was shy and quiet. There was a point where I was almost in tears. TOTALLY felt all alone in a room where I am surrounded by people. It was my own fault for feeling that way I am sure because I didn't step out of my box.

I felt so out of my comfort zone. I felt so uncomfortable. Then I saw someone I knew from church. So I talked with her a bit. Then it was time to go in to the sanctuary for the class. Oh dear. Here we go again. All these people. Feeling too shy to step out. A friendly face smiled and waved, acknowledged that I was there. So that eased me a bit. The tears were right on the edge because I was SOOO uncomfortable.

I looked around knowing my exits. Figuring out my exits that would allow me get out of the room if the panic or anxiety kicked in. I think that is why the tears were there. I really felt like God was stretching me. I was NOT comfortable with it at all. I just kept praying to Him.

I have some things on my mind but I give it over to Him completely with Faith and Trust. I hand things over to Him repeatedly and trust my Father with outcomes and answers and protection. So in this moment I felt wrapped up. I felt scared. I knew that it was not of God. So I kept trying to turn it back to Him.

Then all of a sudden I see the lady that I ran in to at the dinner. I looked up and gave her a shy smile. She told me to come and sit down front with them. So I hesitantly went. So I knew a few people there after all. But because this was all so new to me I was feeling detached and nervous. I went and will continue to go out of excitement to learn more about God.

Then we got in to the lesson. Then the HAND ACTIONS started. Yeah, that is what I said....HAND ACTIONS. WHOA GOD! How far are you going to stretch me here? So I hesitantly did the actions, fearing looking like an idiot (although EVERYONE in that sanctuary was doing the same actions). I started to free up a bit then he asked us to face our neighbour and do the actions to them. Yeah no eye contact there. I have gotten bad at keeping eye contact with people, I think it is because I worry they will see right down in to my soul and how unsure I am. How weak and vulnerable I am. How much my spirit aches inside.

So tonight I was pulled this way and that, so out of my comfort zone. Trapped in a box that I don't really want to be in but am too nervous to fully step out. I guess fear stops me a lot. Fear is NOT of God so I need to work on that. I find it easier to talk to God, it is just a matter of remembering to stop.

Makes me wonder how much God will stretch me. Is He going to stretch me until I break? What if I break? What if the pieces are too small that I can't pick them up, that even God can't put me back together. Comfort zones are good things, they keep you in check but sometimes on days like today they suck. The tears sat on the edge. I warmed up near the end. I am afraid to be broken. I am afraid to be vulnerable. Good thing God isn't afraid. I don't like Him stretching my boundaries but I am needing to try to just lean on Him and trust completely that HE in fact does know what He is doing.....

the tears welling and the feeling I had sucked monkey butt. I hate being shy and feeling vulnerable. But you know what? I am human. I am weak. I am vulnerable. I am NOT strong. But I can be all of these things IN GOD.

So hesitantly I thank God for stretching me and I wait to see what He has in store....

A welcomed bonus

2009-01-28T20:01:00.003-08:00

Today Cooper and my daycare boy were just getting to me. It was non-stop bickering and nagging. They really do fight like brothers! So this evening I decided to take them out in the stroller for a walk. At 4pm. I was kind of pushing it because the little boy would be picked up soon.

But I went anyway. I walked and ran. Half and half. It was cool but great. Then on the way home it was great. I was listening to my worship music and then all of a sudden I realized the sun was going down. I saw a pretty sunset. Me, the boys and God.

Didn't even think about it getting dark when I headed out. Then just a sigh of relief and just taking it all in on the way home. It was beautiful. Such a welcomed bonus to a wonderful walk.

Praising in unusual circumstances

2009-01-27T15:38:00.005-08:00

last night our car was broken in to. I am not sure how they got in to the parkade but they got in to my car because Phil left the doors unlocked. I know someone was in the car because my insurance papers were everywhere. Things were pulled out of the console and my driver side doors were both open, not fully latched closed....

Now normally I would give Phil an ear full. I have before. This time I wasn't even mad. I thanked God for it. Odd hey? Well this is what I look at.....

my doors could have been locked then the thieves would have just broke the window to get in. Then I would have had glass all over the vehicle seat and the kids car seats.
I would of had to pay a $300 deductible to get a window fixed (even if they catch the person(s)I wouldn't see my money back until they went to insure a car in their name. Been there done that before.)
They could have damaged my door.

Also they didn't take my CD player or my MP3 player. So I praised God about that too. They didn't touch the carseats. They were both still tightly installed. No cuts or damage done to them. So another YAY!

Sure I feel violated. If I told you I didn't you could watch my nose grow. Yet even though this is all happening and has happened I sit here praising God. It could have been worse. That is so new for me.

I am learning a lot and yes I believe I still need to lean on God. I choose to look at the blessings and the good in this situation rather then the bad. There is something uplifting and freeing about that. Sure it sucks monkey butt that it happened but we are safe. Nothing was taken and I praise God.

Feels good to praise....

here are some pics:
glove box emptied

contents on seat, from glove box and center console

This is hard to see but there are finger prints above the handle here.

Both doors open.

I am NOT ALONE

2009-01-24T07:25:00.002-08:00

and I have NOT lost Hope, or Faith.

I am realizing that in my heart and in my spirit I really haven't given up on Hope or Faith. If I had I wouldn't keep reaching back out to God. The bible does teach us to lean on God, to give our problems to Him, that his Mercies are new every morning.

"we all stumble in many ways." James 3:2

It doesn't say that we shouldn't stumble or we won't stumble but we ALL stumble. Every last one of us. I think Satan wants me to think that I have no hope left. That I can't FEEL God. The thing is that it doesn't matter if I can't physically FEEL Him, I know He is there. How do I know? Through Faith.

How do you know air is there? Faith. How do you know atoms exist? Faith. I don't physically see God standing beside me but I know He is there through Faith. I don't need more then that. I certainatly don't need Satan telling me I have no hope left or no faith left. I won't let the world engulf me. I can't do this on my own. I can choose to follow Him. I choose to be happy in Him. Now to make sure I actually follow through with it.

I have not given up. I have Christ Jesus in me. So I stand prepared for battle knowing I will win with Christ. He is always with me. He will not leave me. He will come close as I come closer to Him. "Come near to God and he will come near to you." James 4:8

I will choose to have freedom in Christ. I will keep going and I won't believe the world's lies. I won't believe Satan's lies. I won't believe lies in my own mind. I am not alone and I am so grateful for that...

It's dark in here...

2009-01-21T07:45:00.003-08:00

I have felt engulfed by darkness lately. I feel like I am standing in the middle of a crowded room screaming at the top of my voice and no one can hear me. I feel like I am standing in the middle of a thick fog and can't seem to find my Savior's hand. I am wanting to reach but I can't see it. I can't feel Him because the fog is so thick and weighing me down.

Yet He is there. I know in my heart that He is there. He is holding me. God will help me through this. Christ Jesus will be my strength when I am so weak that I can't go on. When I feel like just laying on the floor and letting the fog engulf me He is there holding me up. I just have to believe it. I have to call on Him.

I read this today:
"If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind." James 1:5-6

God forgive me for my doubt. Forgive me for being a wave tossed back and forth. I am sorry that I am struggling. I am sorry that I am in such a dark place. I am sorry that I feel so lost.

"baby I am right here. You are not lost, you just need to feel My arms wrapped around you. You just need to find the Light. My Light is right here."

I want it Pappa, I really truly do. I want you in my whole being. I want to feel you more then ever.

"The battle will never be easy but I am here. I am here to share the load, to share the burden. Remember my burden is light. I will fight for you. I will always fight for you because you are WORTH fighting for."

I am so grateful for God. I am so thankful that He won't leave me. That He is here even though I am in the dark. Even though I am struggling and hurt You are ok with that because You will help me through every step of the way. I can be very honest and say that in this time I get scared. I get very scared. That I can't feel Him, I can't hear Him. That I will be lost to the darkness forever. Yet He tells us to never give up hope. Although I feel like I have given up I know that I must keep fighting. I must ask God to be my strength, to give me wisdom in this battle. He knows that I am not strong enough or wise enough to do this on my own. I guess there comes a time when you have to reach out of your comfort zone to others that will help to carry you through. Others that you can trust. I can tell you that it is VERY hard for me to let down my guard. When I let down my guard I am weak. However, I don't think I am meant to be strong. I think I am meant to be strong with God. Not apart from Him. Not while doing it on my own.

So although this is dark and thick fog I will try my hardest to keep searching for the Light. To hold the Light within me. To become a light in this world. God help me....

Thankful for His mercies in all this time.
"Because of the LORD'S great love we are not consumed, for his compassionas never fail. They are new every morning..." Lamentations 3:22-23

James 4:8

2009-01-19T22:31:00.002-08:00

"Come near to God and he will come near to you."

I sat here trying to think of some amazing words to say in regards to this verse but in actuality I think it speaks for itself.
The further we step away from God the further He feels from us but as soon as we start drawing near to Him he pulls closer to us. He pulls us in. I can just picture Him like a parent with their arms outstretched waiting for us to run into them. Once we get near to Him He is closer to us and His smile broadens. He grins ear to ear and whispers with gladness, I am here. I am so glad you came to me child.
You have to do the work as well. You have to go near Him in order to feel him come nearer to you. But the thing is, I think He is just waiting. Waiting with open arms. Nonjudgmental and full of Grace.
God is good.