Choices

We have all done them. We will always continue to do them. Some that make us shake our heads at the fact that we ever even chose that specific thing. Some that make us laugh and some that even make us feel like we did the right thing.
I have made a choice that in my heart has been eating at me. I have chosen to step sideways from God. I don't know why and maybe that is something that I will have to examine. I know I did it though. I would rather be online with friends and on a message board I am a part of. Don't get me wrong. I have made some good friendships there and gotten through some things as well. But in the process I have shut out God. I stopped doing the devotional. I even skipped passed the ones I received in my email. I don't read the bible anymore. It has always confused me and then I always ended up with more questions then answers. I learned last night that we are meant to come up with questions. That if we had all the answers about God He really wouldn't seem that amazing to us.
So on my way home last night I made a conscious decision to turn around this boat before I start sinking in further. Yet here I am writing a blog! LOL.
I have decided to step back from my message forum. I have decided to sit down and read the devotions. Even though with each sentence I seemed to get more and more dizzy, I read them. I am not looking for a pat on the back or a good for you. If either of those are received I think that my message isn't getting out as I would like it.
In a way I created a hole. Talking to people who didn't know the real me that way they couldn't hold me accountable. I enjoy the new friends I have made. They have helped me through many new motherhood things, but at the same time I have not allowed my close friends to help me through the same situations because I relied solely on the message forum. That was wrong.
I have realized that I have made choices recently that are mistakes. So driving home I have asked for the help to reconnect with Him. Going to devote more time to God. More time to my son. More time to my friends. More time my husband.
I got sucked in so to speak. I allowed myself to step away. Now it is time to come back and discover why I have chosen to do what I did. Time to accept the truth. Time to come back to who I was and am.
I don't know if this made any sense at all. The main thing is that I had made a choice and it was not right. So now I am making the choice to include Him more in my day. More in my life. Giving Him the control.
I just pray that He helps me along the way to be strong and to stay strong.
Don't know if this post will stay or not. But this is where I am at right now.

Daily Christian Wisdom

The gospel is like a lion. It doesn't need to be protected, it needs to be turned loose.


-Unknown

OH MY!!!

My son is almost crawling!! He gets up on all fours burys his face into his little soccer ball then scoots forward! He has been going backwards for a few days now. He is growing so fast. (Sniff...sniff)

This is a smile. Starting....


Up on all fours. Pushing his face into the ball


moving forward




DID YOU SEE THAT MOMMY!!!

ODB quote (our daily bread) for today

"Putting your faith in the living God takes the fear out of living."

Face Down

Heard this song today in church. One line really struck me, well the whole song did but still...
"and I'll fall face down,
As Your glory shines around."

When I first heard the music start to play I reconized the song and stood up to sing with it. There was a time when you would never catch me standing to sing along with a song. But now I will stand up when it moves me to do so. Rarely would I ever put my arms in the air to worship further. I would always peak open my eyes to make sure that I wasn't the only one doing the above actions. Making sure I wasn't drawing attention to myself by being the only one standing with arms raised up. Today as I sang with this song, eyes closed, standing I felt it. The light that shone down. His light filled the room. The room was dark in behind my closed eyes. Then along with those lines I seemed to have seen it. I could see the light that the song was talking about.
Not scary just a brightness and a sense of warmth that wrapped it's arms around this community of believers. I smiled when I heard the voices around me singing. I was never one who liked to sing too loudy because I know that I can't sing. I know that I didn't have a "proper" voice. Then around me I heard it. The voices, out of tune, loud and sincere. All around me, different tones, different volumes. With eyes closed I took it all in while providing my own out of tune words. With eyes closed I sang along, I felt the Glory, I felt and heard the pure, true worship.
Then it came to me. It doesn't matter how well we can sing. We are praising Him. It doesn't matter who sees you with your hands raised, He sees you. It doesn't matter if you are the first to stand, maybe someone who was too afraid will follow your actions but God sees you. He raises you to your feet for His glory. For His pleasure. Lift the hands up towards Heaven. You just might feel God reaching back.
Today in essence I was falling face down. I was letting His glory surround me. I was fighting back the tears. I had arms raised in praise. I had God. I felt God. I heard God. What an awesome feeling.


Facedown

Welcomed in to the courts of the King
I've been ushered in to Your presence
Lord, I stand on Your merciful ground
Yet with every step tread with reverence

And I'll fall facedown
As Your glory shines around
Yes, I'll fall facedown
As Your glory shines around

Who is there in the heavens like You?
And upon the earth, who's Your equal?
You are far above, You're the highest of heights
We are bowing down to exalt You

So let Your glory shine around
Let Your glory shine around
King of glory, here be found

-Matt Redman

I need to complain - Don't respond

What a morning.
None of my pre-pregnancy jeans fit. So I am still wearing my maternity jeans which are too big. But yet I can't get into my old clothes just yet. No shirts that are long enough to cover the pudge.
My shoulder hurts so bad that I am almost in tears. Feeling numbness down my arm.
My hip hurts so bad I can barely pick my kid up.
SWEET! (Sarcasm intended)I am only 27 and am falling apart!
on a plus note it is a sunny day.

8 things about me

Alright Shari, I will bite!! But I am not tagging anyone. Everyone I could think of has already been tagged.

1. I am so in love with my best friend and love being his wife.

2. I thought parenting would be easier. HAH!!! But wouldn't trade it for the world.

3. My nickname from Phil is Bug.

4. My dad died when I was 5

5. I have never touched drugs or cigarettes.

6. I have a temper. My son has the same one!

7. I have been in a cop car. Twice. ( try to guess that one! Bet it's not what you're thinking)

8. I love to do laundry.

I bet I can go on!!

DANG!! I missed this yesterday

sorry, I was a little flustered!
and I am sure that she is going to kill me but......


HAPPY BIRTHDAY SUE!!!

Another Lesson from a Nursery Rhyme

The Wise Old Owl

A wise old owl sat in an oak.
The more he heard, the less he spoke;
The less he spoke, the more he heard.
Why aren't we all like that wise old bird?

Mother Goose

Wow...Stepped out of my comfort zone

Believe it or not I am a shy person. Those that know me well are laughing but also they know that at first I am pretty shy. This past Sunday I did something I thought I would never do. I prayed in front of the church!
Cooper got up that morning at 4:30 to feed. So I am sitting in the dark living room feeding my son and I wondered, who should I get to pray for offering today? Then I heard Him say it. "You do it" What? Was that me? No, it was God. No thank you I say. Not going to, too shy. Then ignoring what I was told I starting thinking about who to ask. Then I heard it again. "You do it. It is your turn." Then the argument started!!
"I can't do it!!"
"yes you can."
"Nope, nope I can't. I am too shy."
"try it"
"what do I say? How do I say it? What if I don't pray the 'right' way? What if I mess up?"
"ask Me for help and I will provide you with the strength you need."
"Fine I will try."
"That's my girl."(sounds lame, I am sure but that is what I heard. I can't forget it.)

So I finished feeding Cooper and put him back in the crib. Then I went on the computer. Sent out a prayer request. Tried to not tell many people about it cause I didn't want praise. I wasn't doing it for that. I was doing it cause God told me to.
I am not someone that will pray out loud in front of Phil or friends, let alone my church. I remember the ladies retreat I went on in 2005. My pastor, Susan, asked me to pray for breakfast. I immediately felt my face go red and said, me?? She looked at me and smiled and said yep, if you want to go to Costa Rica you need to learn. (Missions trip that I wanted to go on but never went cause we had a baby instead ;) ) So I prayed. Stumbled. Stuttered. I am sure I messed up but I did it. Said amen and it was followed by a loud amen from everyone else. Then that was it. I was done. No more.
HA!! So I thought!
Then I got the call. I went up on stage. Scared. Knowing that I had God's strength cause I was ever so week. I said, Good morning, let's pray. That is all I know. I even had to ask if I had remembered to say that. Yes I did. Amen. I didn't mess up. I was all clammy but I did it! Didn't mess up! I stepped so far out of my comfort zone that it wasn't even funny! But thankfully God had me in His hands while I stumbled outside of the zone I grew to know as safe.
I turned around to hand the mic back to our singer that day, Jill and I was looking around for her. Passed the mic off and was careful not to trip on the way off the stage. Just like I was when I got on the stage. Now that would have been embarrassing. I remember I kept thinking, what if I trip? But I didn't. So I went to leave the stage. I don't know, would you call it stage left?? I look behind the curtain and there is our Head Pastor Greg, standing there and he gave me the thumbs up sign. Made me smile.
I did it!! I stepped out of the comfort zone I like very much. I put all my trust and faith into God and I got through it! Now, I just need to focus on doing that in the rest of my life. I am trying. I will get there. Thankfully He is so patient. Stupid comfort zones!! I am glad I took the risk. It was worth taking for me.

awwww...he missed me

Cooper missed me!!
I went out last night. Although I only lasted through one movie. It was a 1/2 hour drive there and a 1/2 hour drive back so I didn't want to be too late. I left at 6 and got home at 10. So I was gone for a bit. It was hard. I kept looking at the clock.
One of the girls let me use her soaker bucket and some stuff for my feet. Man!! That stuff worked great! My feet still feel good. hehe Then we watched My Big Fat Greek Wedding. Then I left.
When I got home Phil filled me in. Cooper ate 7ozs. Fell asleep at the bottle. Held onto the bottle for a good half of the feed. Only burped once but still slept well. Went right to bed. I asked, did he miss me. He said that yeah he did. I asked, how could you tell. He said that they would be playing then Cooper would all of a sudden stop and look around with a confussed look on his face. Like he was looking for me. (awwww)
Then he got up at 4:30 this morning to feed. He ate for 20 minutes solid! Usually he only does 10 minutes if I am lucky. He would not take his hand off my face. Then he even slept in until 7!! Usually I would go in there and open the blinds then he would play in his crib for a while. I would sign up and put my hands out to him but he wouldn't want up. So I would wait for him to sign that he wants up.
Well, today I go in there and open the blinds. I look in the crib and say "Hiiii Cooper" and instantly he beamed and threw his hands in the air for up. I picked him up and he snuggled right into me. Awww....made me feel loved. Then this morning when he would lose sight of me he would fuss. He missed me, he really missed me.
It was a nice evening out. Worth it for all of us.

Check out Cooper and Grandpa on the Tractor

What a big boy!

I am sure that I am paranoid but...

First of all let me start by saying that I am not writing this for sympathy or for someone to try to fix it. I am writing it cause I need to get it off my chest and I am sometimes better at writing then I am at speaking. Writing doesn't show the tears.

I have been feeling so totally alone. In a crowd tonight looking around I realized that I was by myself in essence. That I couldn't relate to anyone. No one could relate to me. I looked around at the different groups of people and all of a sudden felt like I didn't fit into any of them.
I have my son. I have my husband. I have God. I have friends but still can't seem to shake the feeling of not belonging.
Just needed to get it out. May end up deleting this but for now, it will stay.

Five Years Ago Today....

I married the love of my life. My best friend.



Happy Anniversary Phil.
Thanks for making me the happiest person and for the love you give me day in and day out. I love you. You are a wonderful husband and father.
Here's to the rest of our lives together

Picture it if you will....

Eight am. Heading back from an appointment. The fog has rolled into the valley. The streets are busy with children going back to school. I decide to stop at Mill Lake and go for a walk with my son.
Get there. Realize I don't have the stroller. Oh well, have the snugglie. So I pull my son out of the car seat. And this is where it begins...
The light blue tougue snugs onto his little head and his legs kick like mad. The car is locked and we are off. I'm not wearing the right shoes. I don't have a jacket but my son does. Socks on his little hands. Blanket wrapped around his little body. The silence broken by the chattering of the little man just hanging from my chest. The "Good Morning's" from fellow walkers and joggers. The fog rolls around us. I look up and see the sun. Not bright. Just a big huge ball in the sky. The rays hidden by the thick cloud that thins as it reaches the Earth. Walking around the Lake I am talking to God. How beautiful is this. Gotta get home though.
Walking the whole time wishing that I had my camera, or at least my phone so I could take a picture of the mist rolling over the water. Almost finished the walk. Still wishing I had that camera.
Then I hear it. JUST STOP.
Can't, busy beating myself up about not having a camera to capture the moment.
Misty, Just stop. Just for a minute.
Fine I argue.
Now just sit back and read what I saw. No picture but hopefully the words can do the imagery some justice.
I stop. Reluctantly.
I step off the path into the area where I have bushes on either side of me. I stop. Put my hands on my hips and look across the water. That is when my mind clears and takes it all in.
The sun, the ball. The cluster of ducks off in the distance playing while the fog silently and effortlessly rolls their their feathers. The mist rolls and dances across the water. Tagging the lillies. Each swirl more unique then the last one. What was that? I look off to my right and there in the lillies was a blue heron. Just standing there. Looking at me. Then it lifts its delicate legs and walks out into the water further.
I thanked God. That this was all created by Him and that He created me to enjoy it.
Standing, hands by my side now, shoulders relaxing, calming myself. Thanking God. Feeling Him whisper as I stare out on the water. Feeling my son's steady breath against my chest. He is safe and warm and has fallen asleep. In the stillness, in the quiet He is there. Minutes pass by, reluctant to let go of the moment. Taking in the warmth of my son's breath once more, now with my arms wrapped around his little body a smile crosses my face. I am awestruck. I am amazed. I am loved.
A moment captured with the eye of my mind.
I hope that what I had said has given you all some sort of a glimpse into the stillness, the perfectness of the moment.
My morning walk with my son.

Poor Baby....

stupid teeth...(sorry so big, but they need to be so you can see the tooth)



Poor Cooper, His teeth are coming. As you can see from the pic they are buggin him. Bad mommy for taking a picture while he was so uncomfortable. (blushing)Saw a little blood today, must be getting through the surface.
Finally gave in and gave the poor little man some Tylenol. Cold soothers in the fridge, and a cold cloth help. Poor Cooper looks all dopey now.
My tooth is hurting too but it is a different one. I just feel WAY more sorry for him. I know how much this is hurting me and it is already above the surface. Not ripping and tearing the gums to emerge..

Look what Cooper can do!!

where did my baby go??
He is growing so fast!! I am just thankful that I get these times with him.

My husband is funny .......

I am now stranded at home.
Funny man!
I make his breakfast and lunch every morning. This morning his coworker has his car, thus has his keys. Therefore I did not put keys with his lunch. I had his wallet beside his lunch, his phone also. No keys BESIDE his lunch. Which is where they would normally be.
My keys were on the island opposite his lunch. On the main counter while his lunch and stuff was across the way beside the stove.
Habit I guess, he turned around and grabbed the keys on the island. I have Cooper all ready and I go to find me keys. Wait a minute, where are they? They were here this morning. Where did they go? On the off chance I phoned him and asked if he took my keys. He said no. I said are you sure? You better check. Then I hear, uh-oh....
"You have them don't you?" I asked.
"I'm sorry. Yes I do." He says.
So now I am stranded at home and he is trying to think of a way to get them to me. It is no big deal. It would be nice if I could go for a walk but you need a key to get back into the apartment building.
So, I undress my son from the outside clothes he was wearing. He is now playing on the blanket with his favorite bear. Could this be a sign that I am not supposed to go out today??
sigh....
silly husband