Feeling like I don't belong.

You ever get that feeling? I am sure you do. That feeling like you don't exist. That you shouldn't be in the place you are. Feeling like even though you know and love a person that they just don't feel the same. That your opinions and thoughts do not matter.
I am tired of feeling like this. Tired of feeling like I am not heard. That I am high maintenance or a burden to this person. Feeling like they can't even look at me anymore. Feeling like people see right past me. Like I don't exist. Like I am no longer in the room. Like my opinions don't matter.
It has obviously been on my mind a lot. I dreamt about it. I dreamt about being shunned out. Being told I am high maintenance. Being told that people don't like me. That I am not welcomed. That I can not be around people. Did I say it was like I am no longer welcomed. Oh wait I did.
People you were once close with don't seem to want to have anything to do with you. Sure it could very easily be my insecurities telling me these things. The tapes telling me that I am not good enough. That I will never be good enough. Telling me that I did something wrong and that it is always me in the wrong. Playing on the sense of uncomfort when I see that people won't look me in the eyes. That people give me short answers.
It really makes me feel worthless. Makes me feel like I don't matter. That I really don't belong and I shouldn't be trying to fit in. That I will never belong and the feeling that I belonged at one point was just false.
I feel like I need to go crawl into a hole sometimes. To not step out of my comfort zone and act happy. To act like I am not hurting when I see these people. But it really is starting to get harder and harder to hide. I just want to quit all together. I hate feeling like I don't belong.
Some times it feels like everyone pushes me away but mainly lately I feel it with someone I thought I was once close to. That is what hurts the most. I just feel like I want to quit all together but I am not a someone who likes to quit. Not having what we used to have hurts but I know God has His reasons.

I was in the ER this morning

so the past week, week and a half or so I have had this cough. To the point where I would cough then almost barf. It was starting to REALLY HURT. Last night I barely slept and had a coughing attack for almost 45 minutes. My throat was hurting and my chest was tight. When I woke up in the morning at 6:30 to get on with my day I realized that I needed to be seen by a dr. I couldn't catch my breath. My chest felt painful and like someone was crushing it. So after talking to phil I went in. My wonderful husband called in to work and stayed home to watch Cooper and the daycare kid. I thought everything would be fine so I thought he would be back at work. I got home just after 10 feeling like crapola. I am STILL shaking and it is 1pm. Nothing more scarey then not being able to breathe.
So they did a chest xray, some kind of breathing thing and then gave a nebulizer to me so it would open my lungs so I could breathe. The GREAT thing was that MY family dr was the dr on call that day. So I saw him. So that made me feel a bit more comfortable. So the results.....I have an infection in my right lung. He gave me a script, which my wonderful husband is going to get filled now. Phil is staying home. He has dealt with the kids all day. Let me lay down and take it easy. I am a control person and everything needs to be done a certain way but I have totally let go of that today. He is doing such a great job and is taking care of me. God couldn't have given me a better man.

QUACK! QUACK!!

Cooper's a duck.
My dad put Cooper into swimming lessons. Today was the first day. He did really well. Wasn't too fond of being on his back but he went under the water a few times. Even JUMPED off the edge of the pool. He was smiling and everything. SO FUN! Pictures hopefully to come next time.

“We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.” (2 Corinthians 4:7-10 NIV)

Cooper went to the ER last night

what a day. I can honestly tell you I am exhausted.
So it looks like Cooper doesn't have an ear infection after all. He again had a fever yesterday of 102.2 and just before I went to the hospital it was 102.8. He was extremely lethargic. I put him down on the couch to go get him some juice mixed with water and within the three minutes it took me to do that he was sound asleep again. Which is what he did all day.
At one o'clock in the afternoon yesterday I went back to his doctor. He rechecked his ears and his throat and listened to his chest. This time I was sent for blood work and an urine test for him. The dr was thinking it could have been a blood infection. So my mind went into over time. AGAIN. We walked to the building beside the office and went to get his blood taken. I tell you it is sheer hell to sit there and watch them try to take blood from your child's arm. Cooper was screaming bloody murder, who would blame him, and the way he looked at me broke my heart which made me continue to cry. The whole time I was telling him he was such a good boy and that I was so proud of him. We had finally gotten home after that big ordeal by 4:30.
His doctor told me that if he remains lethargic or his fever increases to take him straight to the ER. So come 5ish last night I did just that. He had become more lethargic and yesterday I barely saw his eyes at all. He just clung to me all day. I let him. I lay on my bed with him sleeping beside me.
So off to the ER.....Phil couldn't make it there until 7 cause of work and having to meet with someone just after 6. So I called some friends to see if someone could be with me. I knew most of my friends, actually all of them, had plans but I called anyway. Guess I was kind of prolonging going in cause I was hoping he would all of a sudden perk up. Nope. So I went to the ER. I am literally running on gas fumes. Registered him pretty quick. I guess when it comes to kids they take it seriously and push them through. Plus the fact they could see how lethargic he was.
I would be lying to you if I told you I was calm, cool and collected. I tried so hard to remain that way but the tears just fell but when Cooper would look up at me I would look down and give him a smile. Telling him it would be ok.
While waiting to go into the ER itself my pastor showed up. Greg said he was praying for Cooper which I said was good cause at that point in time I didn't feel I had the strength to do so myself. Thankfully he had come cause I had to go to the washroom. So I got him to hold Cooper while I went. I had eaten only a chocolate bar by this point of the day. Cooper had apple sauce, some fluids and a fruit snack.
So anyway Greg had to get going. We get called into the ER. The doctor checks him out and listens to his chest. Then tells me that cause the blood work and the urine sample that I did earlier that day is not yet available they have to do it again and this time he wants a chest xray too.
So off to xray we go. I looked at the nurse and I said "I am NOT leaving him" she said it was fine but we just had to step behind the wall while the picture took. My poor son. Put into this contraption with his little arms in the air and secured in by a plastic tube. Mommy in front the whole time telling him it was ok, she was there. Telling him I was proud of him. Telling him he was a good boy.
When we had checked into the ER his temperature was 39.3 which translates to 102.7 but it may have been 39.8 my mind is a little foggy, which translates to 103. either way he was hot. So once the xrays were done back to waiting we went. Here came the vampires. That is what Phil calls him. So they moved us to a bed and we literally had to hold Cooper down for more poking and proding to find the vein. Grr....so heart wrenching. So time for tylenol which this time brought it down after 3 hours. Although I just checked on him and he is warm again. but anyway...the waiting game continued.
The dr came back and said that his white blood cell count was ok. But he has an infection in his throat and a little bronchitis. That he wanted to wake him to see how he responded. I got to see my baby for a bit. He was MAD though. How DARE you wake me up! But we got some juice into him. So we went home with strict instructions that if he is not better or he gets worse within 24-48 hours we were supposed to bring him back.
Ran into a sweet lady that ended up beside us, thank you God I saw what You were doing, and she peeked over and said that she was praying for us. That since she saw us come into the ER at the same time as them she has been saying little prayers. I thanked her and told her that it was needed cause I had no strength at the moment to pray.
So it is 6:30 and I have been awake for a hour. I fell asleep at 12 last night. I just can't seem to sleep. So worried. I know I am gonna regret it but what is a mom to do. My poor baby. What an ordeal, bigger for him but hard for both of us just the same.
He has been lifted in prayer and I am so thankful. I am just praying that he gets better. I miss my baby.

Double Whammy

poor Cooper

I noticed today that he was a little whiney and clingy. Not usually like him. He felt warm and was poking at his ears. My gut told me that he had an ear infection.
So when Phil got home he took us to a walk in clinic and Cooper has a double ear infection. Poor guy. So we gave him motrin tonight until we could go and get the medication filled.
I just knew something was up and I must say that I love that mommy instinct. Makes me feel so special and gives me that connection I feel. I love my kid. He even went to bed without a tub. He ate some dinner and snuggled with me. Then I put him down and he whimpered but that was it. He was so tired. I just checked on him and he is warm. Just gonna keep an eye on him tonight.