I am scared.....is this me too??

I belive in my heart but I am scared I don't feel Him. I worry that people think I am only pretending....I swear I am not....THAT is my secret....

Post Secret

More from The Shack -pg.91

"You must know," he offered, "calling you Papa is a bit of a stretch for me."

"Oh really?" She looked at him in mock surprise. "Of course I know. I always know." She chuckled. "but tell me, why do you think it's hard for you? Is it because it's too familiar for you, or maybe because I am showing myself as a woman, a mother, or...."

"No small issue there," Mack interrupted with an awkward chuckle.

"Or, maybe it's because of the failures of your own papa?"


The main character's wife calls God Papa cause it makes her feel the close intimate bond with Him. I find it hard to call Him Dad, Papa, Father anything. Mine have all let me down. Who says God won't....
Also God appears to this man as a tall black woman.


another one: Page 185

"Mack, just because I work incredible good out of unspeakable tragedies doesn't mean I orchestrate the tragedies. Don't ever assume that my using something mean I caused it or that I need it to accomplish my purposes. That will only lead you to false notions about me. Grace doesn't depend on suffering to exist, but where there is suffering you will find grave in many facets and colors."

Happy Birthday Payton!!

my my little miss! You sure have grown!! We miss you.... LOVE YOU and Happy Birthday!!
*disclaimer* The first two were not taken by me.....

The Shack by William P. Young

I have just started to read this book. I was always afraid of it cause I have heard that it can pull you deep and bring out emotions. I didn't want to read it but then when it was suggested to me ONCE AGAIN I decided to pick it up.
I am going to share something from page 114. It rings VERY true for me. Like the author is reading my mind. There will be another entry later on as I am sure there will be many other entries. I found something further on in the book as well but this one is one I want to share right now. At this moment.

"Jesus?" he whispered as his voice choked. "I feel so lost"

A hand reached out and squeezed his, and didn't let go. "I know, Mack. But it's not true. I am with you and I'm not lost. I'm sorry it feels that way, but hear me clearly. You are not lost."

I hope you're right," Mach said, his tension lessened by the words of his newfound friend. "


That really hit home for me. It is like I could have written those words that Mack said. I hope that what "Jesus" said there is right too. To actually NOT be alone and not feel so lost would be nice. To picture that God may be saying to me, "I am sorry it feels that way..." makes me feel that maybe He really does hear me. That maybe I don't know how to turn on my listening ears to Him.
The book is hard for me to read. I take it chapter by chapter, resting in between to "think". But a change needs to happen. I NEED to feel God. I NEED to feel loved, accepted and safe. I NEED it. I NEED GOD.....

this really resonated with me at Church on Sunday. I had a panic attack even and didn't know HOW to work through it. I have been holding the emotions and feelings back. But that is another post. LOL.

Draw Me Close to You

Draw me close to you
Never let me go
I lay it all down again
To hear you say that I'm your friend
You are my desire No one else will do
Cause nothing else can take your place
To feel the Warmth of your embrace
Help me find the way
Bring me back to you

You're all I want
You're all I've ever needed
You're all I want
Help me know you are near

to look at me from the outside...

would you believe I was a Christian? That I do love God. That I believe Jesus is my savior and that God is good? I wouldn't believe me.

I know in my heart of hearts that I love God. Yet I ONCE AGAIN feel detached and alone. Like I can't talk to Him. Like he doesn't want to hear me. Like He would turn me away on that day of judgment. That hurts. That scares me.

Yet I don't know where to turn. I spin around and around in circles and am not sure what to say or do. Do I want to talk? No not really. Do I need to talk? Probably. Do I know what I need to say? Nope. Can't put ANYTHING into words.

How do I know He is listening? How do I know He loves me? How do I know He won't give up on me or knock me when I am down?

Tonight a friend asked for prayer. For some reason it made me tear up. I can't do that. I can't ask for prayer. I don't think God wants to hear from me. I don't know how to fabricate my words.

yeah if this is the devil he sure is giving me a run for my money. And I don't know what to do or where to turn.

I AM SO PISSED OFF!!!

there is a busy body nosey cow in our building that can't keep her nose on her own face. She is in our business about Phil's mustang that is just sitting in the parkade. The STUPID mustang is not selling. We even knocked it down to $2400. It just isn't the market.
So it is sitting in the parkade without insurance on it, but is covered under our HOUSE insurance but that doesn't matter. I have to go out and spend more money on this CAR that is not even being used by us. We need to sell it. We can't afford it. I just want to take it to the wrecker and get rid of it.
but there is no point to get rid of a perfectly fine car. grrr....
I HATE where we live. I hate busy bodies. I can't stand people getting involved in our business. The smokers, the pot, the noise, the phone calls are all really getting to me. I just want to up and move away from ALL OF THIS!!

Where I live is starting to drive my insane.

I am just a big old ray of sunshine aren't I?
But our condo is starting to drive me NUTS.
I am very thankful for it and to have an inexpensive place to live but at the same time things are driving me INSANE!!

- we are running out of room
- I have smokers beside me, behind me, and kiddy corner above me.
- a neighbour across the way doesn't speak english. I think it is German and she YELLS in German. Then every night her porch light goes on at 11pm and she is still yelling at who ever is in the house.
- the room, did I say that??
- being on the third floor.
- no where for the kids to play besides a small porch.
- can hear the neighbours above me
- can't draw chalk on the sidewalk cause I get in trouble by busy body on strata.
- said busy body always has something to complain about with us

ok...I vented. We need to sell this car so we can save money. I need out!!

The scariest thing just happened to me today.

I took Cooper and my daycare boy down to the park. I let them walk, it is at the end of our street. Something told me to bring the stroller though.
So I get closer to the park and I see this guy pacing the little walk way into the park. I thought it was odd and held the kids hands a little tighter. We walked through the ally type thing that leads to the park. The guy was leaning on the corner of the fence. He said HEY. I ignored him as my DB (daycare boy) said PARK!! So I said "Yes ____, that's the park."
So we walked into the park and I kept my third eye on this guy. Who then sat down and watched us. I pushed the stroller all the way into the park. I look over my shoulder and I don't see him there anymore. So I was hesitantly taking out my camera. I NEVER take my camera when it is just me with the kids. I start taking some pictures then see him out of the corner of my eye again. This time a bit closer. Then he walks onto the grass and we are on the gravel. He is a ways away still. He yells, "is that a digital video camera?" I just said yes. He said how many minutes does it hold. I looked at him and said it was a camera while pushing it behind me.
Then I turn to the kids, who are like 4 feet behind me and bend down to their level. I tell them that we have to go. Cooper pitches a fit. Who wouldn't? We had just gotten there. I looked at him and asked him to look in my eyes. He did and I said, "Cooper that man is scaring mommy. We need to get in the stroller and go." so Cooper says ok. We get Cooper and my DB in the stroller. I lock them down. I ask Cooper to hang onto the camera. The guy is watching every move we make. So I start to leave the park. Racking my brain thinking what I could do. There is a bit of panic rising and I realize that I need to get to a house and HOPE that they will let me use their phone.
I look over my shoulder and he is following us out of the park. So I turn to the house that is right on the edge of the park. Knock on the door and hope that they speak English and will help me out.
A teenaged boy answers. I told him that there is a guy behind me following me and if I could please use his phone to call the cops. He said sure. Grabbed the phone, then I said, is there anyway I can go in the backyard or something so it looks like I know you. The boy was very nice and said sure.
So we go into the backyard and I called the cops. They ended up coming and looking for the guy, who had in turn already walked back to the park to watch us in this yard. The cop took all my information. I appologized and said sorry for taking up his time. He said, "No you did the right thing." I said I was scared to walk home. He said it was ok that he would watch me head home. So he headed towards my house while I ran home. No jogging just flat out run. Then he got to our street and turned around to leave. I waved thanks and he waved back.
I was most concerned about the boys. Then a friend said, what if he did something to you in front of the boys. That made me realize that it could have happened. Then the kids would be traumatized. My main concern was the boys. I didn't care what would happen to me. Didn't even think about it. My concern was their safety.
I told the cop I didn't know if he was just a shady character or if he was strung out. The cop kind of chuckled and said, "it's abbotsford. He is probably strung out." LOL.
I cried when I got home. The adrenaline wearing off. I was really scared. I will NEVER be going back to that park again.

Why is it...

that people who DON'T want to be pregnant or are NOT trying to get pregnant all of a sudden get a "OH! Look at this, I am pregnant!"
It's not fair! I see it and hear it all the time. Especially those poor kids that are abused or killed due to their "parents". When there are people that have been trying to get pregnant for years, or lose their baby, or can't get pregnant at all. Ones that would LOVE to have a baby. Yet other parents that just throw kids away.
I really don't get this world we live in!