simple things.....

amuse me.

I made my first batch of muffins. Right from scratch. I have NEVER done that before. Last night I made a loaf of white bread in the bread machine, never done that either. This morning I have a loaf of cinnamon raisin in the bread machine, I bet Cooper will love it!

I also have apples on the stove and am making my own apple sauce (have always done that.) I have loads of laundry going. The kids are playing nicely.

I am looking forward to making whole wheat bread but still need some more ingredients!

I am having fun. What a dork hey!

I'm working at it......

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight. Do not be wise in your own eyes; fear the LORD and shun evil" (Proverbs 3:5-7).

This hit me.....

"When all you can see is your pain, perhaps then you lose sight of me."

pg. 96 - The Shack
God speaking to Mack

"Mack, pain has a way of clipping our wings and keeping us from being able to fly." .... "And if left unresolved for very long, you can almost forget that you were ever created to fly in the first place."

pg. 97
God speaking to Mack again

Safety

Tired of reaching out
you give in and lose all
you had ever known.
Arms by your side you
have given in to defeat.
The loneliness and darkness
surround you until you
can't breathe anymore.
you lose who you were somewhere
within the struggle.
Given up with all hope lost;
OR SO YOU THOUGHT.
Just as you had given in, admitted
that you are alone, defeated,
badly bruised and bleeding
Safety reaches out to you.
Pulls you in under it's wing as
you lean your head against its
warmth, giving in to the tears,
the anger, the hurt and vulnerability.
Safety pulls you close and doesn't
let you go as you break down.
Feeling weaker with each tear, with
each sob you surrender.
Surrender to the safety that reached
back to you just as you
knew you couldn't go on.
Safety knew, knew the Love you needed,
knew the Touch, knew the Surrender
that was only available through
His love.
You are worthy, you are safe, you
are vulnerable but shielded.
His arms reached out as you lay
there broken and torn in the
darkness you became familiar with.
Then came the Safety and light as
you battle to stay strong you
believe that He won't leave you.
You have to believe that
YOU ARE SAFE.

A pillar......me !!???

a friend told me this past week that I am a pillar at church.

I said, what do you mean?

She proceeded to tell me that both Phil and I are always there. Every Sunday (not EVERY Sunday) and we are always making ourselves useful. We show up to events and such as well too.

It is funny because I never thought that someone would think that made us a pillar. However, she said it did. Made me think about it. Made me realize that we are indeed a main part of church.

I have another friend asking me to try their church on a Sunday and I keep telling her that I really can't. I have made obligations to my church as has Phil. I am proud to be a part of New Heights. I am proud to serve. I am proud of our family and community.

Never thought of myself as a pillar. Wonder if that is how God feels? It was neat to hear though.

"In My Arms"

Is the name of a song by a lady who goes by Plumb.

It is mainly about her protecting her child, from what I can gather but there is the chorus that stood out to me.

"clouds will rage and
storms will race in
but you will be safe
in my arms
rains will pour down
waves will crash around
but you will be safe
in my arms "


Makes me kind of think about God. Maybe He is trying to say the same thing to me, to you. Funny because I thought that I didn't hear God lately so why is it that songs are making me think it is Him. Maybe He really is here.....I just need to believe it more.

Verses

For being a verse that I think I can honestly say I hate, it sure keeps coming into my head. You think God is trying to say something? Maybe I am hearing Him a bit this morning.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

Did you guess the verse. Yep, my dreaded Jer. 29:11. I think it is the only verse in the bible that I know where it is and what number it is. I cringe when I read it. I cringe when I hear it or someone says it to me.

This past weekend on Saturday the verse was said FOUR times. FOUR FLIPPING TIMES! Each time it was harder to hear. Each time I rolled my eyes. I cried. Talk about not being receptive!

This morning I thought about it. ME. Not given to me, not read, not said. Well I guess God gave it to me. Guess there is hope for me after all.....

Praise You in This Storm

I was sure by now
God, You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say "Amen", and it's still raining

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with You"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

CHORUS
I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
Every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry
You raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can't find You

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with You"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

CHORUS

I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth
(repeat)

CHORUS
Though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

-Casting Crowns


I heard this song just now. I cried. I belt it out loud and strong but then crumbled to my knees. Sigh.....I WANT TO FEEL HIM AGAIN!!!! I want to praise Him. Help....

Back from Bowen Island

I think I am still processing it all.

All weekend I wanted to go home. The spiritual battle that I personally think I felt was strong. I knew where each exit was. I was trying to figure out how to take off. The reason I stayed was I had to. I had three people with me, I couldn't abandon them. So I was fighting to stay. I wanted to go home. I wanted to run away.
Then on Sunday I wanted to stay.

I had a group of wonderful ladies pray over me. Things came up that I didn't think were really issues. But they obviously were. Shared about my miscarriage bu something else came up as well. Which I am not yet ready to go into.
I felt stupid for sharing. I felt like I shouldn't be thinking about it. I let what people told me rule. Someone told me I was dwelling so I didn't talk about it. I felt stupid the whole time. But I was held by wonderful women and made to feel safe. I cried like a freaking baby. I was too weak to walk to my room.

Man there are a lot of things to process. I am afraid of loosing any kind of connection that I almost made this weekend.I WANT God back in my life. I WANT to feel Him and hear Him and see Him.

Guess now I am reaching out to people. Or at least trying to. Lots of things bombarded me. But it will be ok.

It was a wonderful weekend with beautiful women. Caring women. God. I can't wait to go back in all honesty. It was great! Don't be surprised if this gets deleted soon. lol

Straight from Thailand

No not the kid :P

But Aunty Sue brought this back for Cooper. There is a tiny bit of pink and if you know me you should know that I am not a pink fan on a boy. But this outfit was REALLY cute. It is apparently a typical Thai school outfit.

He is looking at the TV. Had to get a picture some how. LOL

Happy Anniversary to my Love

Happy Anniversary Phil. You have made me a very happy wife and woman. Thank you for all you do for us. I love you.

THANK YOU NICOLE!!!

A friend of ours, Nicole, came over tonight to watch Cooper so Phil and I could go out for an anniversary dinner.

So Phil and I went out to The Keg. STEAK AND LOBSTER for me!! Phil had steak and crab. We hadn't been to the Keg for a long time. We went once since he proposed 7 years ago. Yes he proposed at the Abbotsford Keg. A night I will never forget. Neither should Michelle and Rod. :P LOL.

Then Phil and I didn't want to wait for a movie. It was too late of a start time and we didn't want to be out TOO late or be gone too long for Nicole. So we went BOWLING! It has been like five years since we had gone.

SO FUN!!

The lights went out, the lasers and music came on as well as the black light. We played two games. It was so fun! We are both sore. LOL.

A very expensive night but we so needed it. It was wonderful.

On Monday we will be celebrating 7 years. Time flies.

Day and night difference!

these pills I am on sure are giving me relief.

The difference is like the title said. Day and Night. I am still sore in my back a bit but I can move, I have more energy AND I can eat just fine! Gonna gain all that weight back. LOL.

Hoping to lie around and do nothing much. Maybe see if I can accomplish vaccuming. Maybe make some cards or do a scrap book page. Or just lay on the couch and watch a movie. LOL.

Downfall, I can't seem to be able to sleep and am dizzy. Can't win it all.

Feeling blah

I am feeling pretty odd.

I don't know what it is.

Today I just feel like I am numb and can't go on. I don't have the strength to take care of one child let alone TWO. While his parents are home sleeping and resting. Yes I am bitter right now.

I feel ungrateful. Phil has taken good care of Cooper. He was basically a single Dad when I was in the hospital. But I feel like I haven't had a day to just lay around and relax. I feel like I am high strung right now. I have been in pain for over a week. I haven't worked out. I have been nauseated for a week and a half. Looks like it may be a UTI but it also may be in my kidneys. On another round of antibiotics. That makes me feel even worse.

I just feel like I can't go on with this. NO I am not depressed, may be feeling a little down and bummed. No I am not going to hurt myself or the kids. I even want Phil to stay home. How selfish is that.

Just one of those days I think.

I need a break. I am selfish. I am drained.

so frustrated

this last week has been such a roller coaster.

Last Sunday the nausea started. Then Tuesday the pain started down by my appendix. Went into the ER because it was so painful. Admitted then discharged the next day because the u/s showed fluid but the appendix was fine. Was told if it got worse then to come back.

Saturday. Took Cooper to the aquarium. It was hard to walk around but I did it for Cooper. It was nice though. Went for lunch then pain started under the bottom of my ribs on the right. Along with the lower right side pain. Started throwing up. Went BACK to the ER. Hooked up to an IV again. Pumped with pain killers and anti-nausea meds. I think I reacted to one but they flushed my system and didn't give it again.

Another ultrasound along with two blood tests, more urine and a CT scan. Sent home because the appendix and gallbladder looked fine but there was an infection of "some sort" so I was put on Sulfa tablets. Came home Sunday.

Fast forward to today. The pain is still there but small in the appendix area. The pain in my gallbladder area is there as well as pain in my kidneys.
I REALLY don't want to go back to the ER. I am so frustrated. I am starting to vomit again. I am shaking, dizzy etc. Can't eat either. I just am not sure what to do now. Trying really hard to ride it out.

I am SOOO freaking frustrated, confused and upset. Don't have strength to cry! Short with Cooper, who is sick with a cold. COME ON! This has to end!

sigh