This past Sunday our pastor had a great message. What I got out of it is that God does not pick and choose who can come to Him, but has an open lap for all of us no matter the stage we are in.
Our pastor gave us a great picture. He told us about a video done in black and white of John Kennedy. The video had a section in it where they were filming two young children playing on the front lawn of the White House. Then the video followed as the children got up and ran in to the front door of the White House. They ran right past secret services, ran up and down halls, past guards standing with serious business faces. Past the CIA. Right in to the Oval Office. Ran around the desk and jumped right up in to their Daddy's lap.
He said that this is what God is like. That we can run right past any obstacles, nothing stopping us and we can run right up and sit ourselves on our Father's lap. Pretty cool if you ask me.
I sat and closed my eyes, envisioning this. But the desk was gone. I was a little girl in a pretty pink frilly dress. I have sweet little white dress shoes on, white stockings. My hair is down and held back with a thin pink satin ribbon tied around my head. I am playing peacefully but then all of a sudden I just wanted a hug. So I got up and ran up the steps of my Father's house. Ran past dark figures, ran past enemies, ran past each haunting room in to my Father's throne room. There sitting in a big comfy arm chair was my Daddy with His arms outstretched. No desk in front of Him. He was waiting for me. With a big smile He says, "Hello pretty princess!" I run to Him and He scoops me up like it is no effort at all. I put my head against His chest as He wraps His strong arms around me. I whisper, "Hi Daddy" as He kisses the top of my head.
My dad died when I was five. Mom remarried when I was 8, divorced when I was 10 then remarried another man shortly after that. I don't ever remember having the freedom to jump up on a lap and being able to be held. Sure it may have happened but it is not in my memory. This vision that I had is one I would love to have as a warm memory. I long to feel like I am safe and held in someone's arms.
That Sunday I felt like that again. While standing to be prayed for I just stayed on His lap. I let the tears silently fall this time. There was a thought of feeling like an idiot but then I remembered that I am in God's house and I will not be judged. I let myself feel the hurt, the pain and the longing of Daddy's arms around me. When my pastor was praying my eyes were shut just trying to soak in the moment. Then my pastor said, "Feel the love of Daddy God". I started to cry a bit harder.
Daddy.
Daddy God.
The God of the universe wants to be my Daddy.
The creator of all things; the vast skies, the deep sea, the biggest trees, the smallest trees, the creator of all wanted me.
He wants to love me. He wants me to run to Him. He wants to hold me. This was a feeling I hadn't had in a long time. To feel it at that moment was refreshing and like a tall cool drink to my soul.
Daddy loves me.
He loves you too.
No matter what I have done, no matter what darkness lurks around the corner, no matter who stands with weapons drawn against me I can run to Him, leap up on to His lap and put my arms around Him with love.
I just have to get up.
Sometimes I feel too knocked down to even move and that is when I can feel Him pick me up in His arms and hold me. As I stare limp in pain He shushes me and sings me a lullaby.
I am so thankful for the vision our pastor gave us. The vision that warmed my heart and let the tears fall that needed to so badly let loose.
How cool is it that there is no obstacle too big for our Daddy God. That we can just run to Him and He is there with open arms.
Thank you Daddy.
Wednesday, October 05, 2011
Monday, May 09, 2011
Thankfulness
Thank you.
two little words that can make someone's day. I know that when I am truly thanked it makes me smile. Something about knowing how appreciated someone is that can just lift your spirits. Thank you can be two words to show how you are feeling in your heart.
Yet I find myself struggling with those words right now.
I will be 33 weeks pregnant on Wednesday. 33 weeks in to a pregnancy that in my heart I never ever thought would happen. A pregnancy that I was at one point only dreaming of. Then 18 weeks in to the pregnancy we found out that God had blessed us with a healthy baby girl. Her heart is perfect. She is developing perfect. Which, was a concern because of my anti-depressants and the risks that they could cause to the developing child. For me though the risks of being OFF the meds were greater. So I placed it all in God's hands. His hands are bigger and more capable then my own.
With this pregnancy I am learning more and more about walking in Faith. Feeling the child move inside me reminds me of how big and how great God is. That she is in God's hands. I think about it and cry. I whisper thank you through the tears. But I feel like it just isn't enough. HOW do you thank the God of the universe? Does He laugh at me when I say thank you because the words are so petty to someone so vast and big?
I search my heart for just the right words but nothing comes. All I can do is cry happy tears and thankful tears. All I can say over and over is thank you. It just doesn't seem right. It feels like there must be SOMETHING I can say or do to get across just how thankful I truly am.
I was told that God knows my heart. But I have to be able to find the words to express it. I just have to. Or do I?
Do I just keep walking in faith believing that God knows how deep my gratitude and love runs for Him? How grateful we are for the gift He has blessed us with. How thankful we are that she is healthy, growing and thriving. How thankful that we are with Him protecting her.
I can't wait until the day that I get to hold her in my arms. To see the gift we have been blessed with face to face. Yet I know I will continually struggle to find just the right words. I hope that Thank You will be enough for now. That the tears He sees are full of gratitude and amazement at Him. Although I know there must be MORE I just hold fast to the faith that He does indeed know my heart. He does know how it swells for Him. How much I love Him.
So Father, Father of all creation I stand meekly in front of your throne and say thank you. I offer my heart to you and I thank you.
"Now, our God, (I) give you thanks, and praise your glorious name." 1Chronicles 29:13
two little words that can make someone's day. I know that when I am truly thanked it makes me smile. Something about knowing how appreciated someone is that can just lift your spirits. Thank you can be two words to show how you are feeling in your heart.
Yet I find myself struggling with those words right now.
I will be 33 weeks pregnant on Wednesday. 33 weeks in to a pregnancy that in my heart I never ever thought would happen. A pregnancy that I was at one point only dreaming of. Then 18 weeks in to the pregnancy we found out that God had blessed us with a healthy baby girl. Her heart is perfect. She is developing perfect. Which, was a concern because of my anti-depressants and the risks that they could cause to the developing child. For me though the risks of being OFF the meds were greater. So I placed it all in God's hands. His hands are bigger and more capable then my own.
With this pregnancy I am learning more and more about walking in Faith. Feeling the child move inside me reminds me of how big and how great God is. That she is in God's hands. I think about it and cry. I whisper thank you through the tears. But I feel like it just isn't enough. HOW do you thank the God of the universe? Does He laugh at me when I say thank you because the words are so petty to someone so vast and big?
I search my heart for just the right words but nothing comes. All I can do is cry happy tears and thankful tears. All I can say over and over is thank you. It just doesn't seem right. It feels like there must be SOMETHING I can say or do to get across just how thankful I truly am.
I was told that God knows my heart. But I have to be able to find the words to express it. I just have to. Or do I?
Do I just keep walking in faith believing that God knows how deep my gratitude and love runs for Him? How grateful we are for the gift He has blessed us with. How thankful we are that she is healthy, growing and thriving. How thankful that we are with Him protecting her.
I can't wait until the day that I get to hold her in my arms. To see the gift we have been blessed with face to face. Yet I know I will continually struggle to find just the right words. I hope that Thank You will be enough for now. That the tears He sees are full of gratitude and amazement at Him. Although I know there must be MORE I just hold fast to the faith that He does indeed know my heart. He does know how it swells for Him. How much I love Him.
So Father, Father of all creation I stand meekly in front of your throne and say thank you. I offer my heart to you and I thank you.
"Now, our God, (I) give you thanks, and praise your glorious name." 1Chronicles 29:13
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Like New
Laying in bed listening to the birds yesterday morning I found myself smiling. It is a new season and Spring is coming. Hearing the birds sing and coming back to the life around me. Hearing the new songs around me. Seeing life springing up all around.
I laid in bed just listening. Thinking of how all the new life was beginning again around me. Then my little girl squirmed within me. I was smiling about another new life growing and thriving within me.
God was giving me a glimpse of something. I was reminded of the verse, "His mercies are new every morning." Every morning a new season starts. Every morning the slate is wiped clean and He graciously gives us His mercy. Not because we deserve it but because He loves us so much to give us the gift of His love and mercy.
It just amazes me that as life begins around me and within me. Only because He loves us and that is enough for Him.
I am sure this is scattered but my brain is just in awe right now. The new beginnings. Not because we deserve it but because He wants us to experience it.
I laid in bed just listening. Thinking of how all the new life was beginning again around me. Then my little girl squirmed within me. I was smiling about another new life growing and thriving within me.
God was giving me a glimpse of something. I was reminded of the verse, "His mercies are new every morning." Every morning a new season starts. Every morning the slate is wiped clean and He graciously gives us His mercy. Not because we deserve it but because He loves us so much to give us the gift of His love and mercy.
It just amazes me that as life begins around me and within me. Only because He loves us and that is enough for Him.
I am sure this is scattered but my brain is just in awe right now. The new beginnings. Not because we deserve it but because He wants us to experience it.
Monday, January 31, 2011
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Excitement growing within
As my baby grows more and more I am allowing myself to get excited. I feel baby move and kick at me. Knowing that God has blessed me with the being inside.
I had a vision where Jesus was holding a small pink blanket. In this blanket laid a baby. He pulled me closer to Him and we stared at the baby. Jesus whispered, "I have this baby in my hands. It is not in yours, it is in mine and I just ask that you continue to walk in faith and trust for me to take care of this baby that you can't physically hold yet."
I came to peace with it. I felt peace as I fell asleep after the vision.
I just booked a 3D ultrasound appointment for the 12th. A chance to see this precious little one God has blessed us with. To know that this is a healthy boy or girl.
This morning in my reading I came across a great verse. Psalm 25:10, "All the ways of the Lord are loving and faithful." All of them. He is protecting us in love and in faith. I will choose to continue to walking in faith and leaving it to Him. It is hard but it is worth it!
I had a vision where Jesus was holding a small pink blanket. In this blanket laid a baby. He pulled me closer to Him and we stared at the baby. Jesus whispered, "I have this baby in my hands. It is not in yours, it is in mine and I just ask that you continue to walk in faith and trust for me to take care of this baby that you can't physically hold yet."
I came to peace with it. I felt peace as I fell asleep after the vision.
I just booked a 3D ultrasound appointment for the 12th. A chance to see this precious little one God has blessed us with. To know that this is a healthy boy or girl.
This morning in my reading I came across a great verse. Psalm 25:10, "All the ways of the Lord are loving and faithful." All of them. He is protecting us in love and in faith. I will choose to continue to walking in faith and leaving it to Him. It is hard but it is worth it!
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Reflecting
Yesterday I attended an amazing mans funeral. We celebrated the life of Myron Berg. Myron tragically passed away on December 28th due to a head on motor vehicle collision. His quick thinking spared the lives of his 4 children and beautiful wife.
Sitting at the funeral I was humbled by seeing how many people filled the room. I would say a thousand people for sure. Copies were made of a little flag his youngest daughter made. Who at 7 years old put her artistic talents to work and made a Canucks flag for her dad. We waved them all in remembrance of him.
Of course after the service my mind started going a mile a minute. This man was so in tune with God and his internal compass (as the pastor put it) was pointed straight at God. Got me thinking, where is mine pointed?
I think that maybe 30 people would be at my funeral and that is because they are family or friends. I don't think I have touched or impacted any lives around me. When the pastor said that Myron got to hear the words, "Well done, good and faithful servant" I started to think. What would He say to me? I am pretty dang sure it would not be "well done" or that I "did well". Who have I impacted? Am I an example of Christ? Do I share His love?
How can I share His love when there are more times then not when I struggle to understand it myself? How can I talk about Him when I don't know enough about Him? When I struggle to understand more and feel like I am at a stage where I have to figure it out on my own.
I haven't made a difference and to me that is ok right now. Because being at this funeral and thinking about how there would in no way be this much support for me I wanted to change. I wanted to be one of those people like Myron. That walked in faith and everyone knew it. They knew who he leaned on. They knew he loved his family with all his heart. He was proud of them. They were proud of him. God is proud of him.
So knowing and feeling like God is not proud of me. That I don't make a difference and that God would not say, "well done" to me I feel a flicker inside me wanting to change. Wanting to get the counselling I struggle to make. Wanting to dive in to the Word more.
I realize how fragile life is and I cried while having my hand placed on my ever growing belly. Feeling blessed that even in my struggles and confusion God has given me a gift. And this child will be received with open arms, as it already is. As I hang on to the hope and faith that this will be the one to come to our family and fill the house again. While baby kicks inside of me it reminds me of God's grace. In my time of pain and anger and bitterness with God He still chose to bless us. So although I may not FEEL like an example of His love I can work on it and be the best person God has made me to be.
Myron, you are a wonderful example and I can only hope to impact lives like you have. May you be in Christ's presence and enjoying your time with Him. I remember Myron being excited about our pregnancy. Congratulating us for the good news. What did I do? I whispered, "We aren't telling anyone yet." I do regret that but I know that Myron would not want me to hold on to that. So I give it to God and I thank Him that our lives got to have a taste of the beauty and faithfulness of this amazing man.
Myron, you are loved and missed. May you rest in His presence.
the copy of the flag his seven year old daughter made for him on Christmas. We wave it in your honor Myron.
Sitting at the funeral I was humbled by seeing how many people filled the room. I would say a thousand people for sure. Copies were made of a little flag his youngest daughter made. Who at 7 years old put her artistic talents to work and made a Canucks flag for her dad. We waved them all in remembrance of him.
Of course after the service my mind started going a mile a minute. This man was so in tune with God and his internal compass (as the pastor put it) was pointed straight at God. Got me thinking, where is mine pointed?
I think that maybe 30 people would be at my funeral and that is because they are family or friends. I don't think I have touched or impacted any lives around me. When the pastor said that Myron got to hear the words, "Well done, good and faithful servant" I started to think. What would He say to me? I am pretty dang sure it would not be "well done" or that I "did well". Who have I impacted? Am I an example of Christ? Do I share His love?
How can I share His love when there are more times then not when I struggle to understand it myself? How can I talk about Him when I don't know enough about Him? When I struggle to understand more and feel like I am at a stage where I have to figure it out on my own.
I haven't made a difference and to me that is ok right now. Because being at this funeral and thinking about how there would in no way be this much support for me I wanted to change. I wanted to be one of those people like Myron. That walked in faith and everyone knew it. They knew who he leaned on. They knew he loved his family with all his heart. He was proud of them. They were proud of him. God is proud of him.
So knowing and feeling like God is not proud of me. That I don't make a difference and that God would not say, "well done" to me I feel a flicker inside me wanting to change. Wanting to get the counselling I struggle to make. Wanting to dive in to the Word more.
I realize how fragile life is and I cried while having my hand placed on my ever growing belly. Feeling blessed that even in my struggles and confusion God has given me a gift. And this child will be received with open arms, as it already is. As I hang on to the hope and faith that this will be the one to come to our family and fill the house again. While baby kicks inside of me it reminds me of God's grace. In my time of pain and anger and bitterness with God He still chose to bless us. So although I may not FEEL like an example of His love I can work on it and be the best person God has made me to be.
Myron, you are a wonderful example and I can only hope to impact lives like you have. May you be in Christ's presence and enjoying your time with Him. I remember Myron being excited about our pregnancy. Congratulating us for the good news. What did I do? I whispered, "We aren't telling anyone yet." I do regret that but I know that Myron would not want me to hold on to that. So I give it to God and I thank Him that our lives got to have a taste of the beauty and faithfulness of this amazing man.
Myron, you are loved and missed. May you rest in His presence.
the copy of the flag his seven year old daughter made for him on Christmas. We wave it in your honor Myron.
Monday, January 17, 2011
Moments of clarity
The claws of depression can be large and dark. Sharp and pulling you in. I have dealt with the depression for only 6 years. I know of people that have dealt with it a lot longer then I have.
Being up since 5:30 again this morning I have been thinking. My teaching over the last couple years has taught me a lot. It has taught me that the depression can pull me under but even though it does God can lift me back up. It doesn't stop the silence that screams out from within my soul. It is a battle but it is worth it.
The things that I have been taught have included the fact that God will protect me. He will hold me up when I fall. That "He will command his angels concerning you to guard you carefully; they will lift you up in their hands, so that you will not strike your foot against a stone." Luke 4:10-11
This came to me this morning. That I will fall, I will stumble, but I have to try really hard to remember that even though I don't FEEL it at the moment God is talking to his angels concerning little ol' me. That I am important enough that God will take the time to give His angels to help me not strike my feet as I fall to the ground and feel like I can't get up. When I feel like I am being dragged through the muck, the dirt and the grime He has his angels with me so that I won't be alone.
Sure it is a painful journey but I have experienced the joy of coming out on the other side of that darkness. The other side of that scary path there is the light that warms my heart. The light that tells me that He will be there even though I don't feel Him.
I can't feel Him right now but at this exact moment it almost feels like the fog has lifted a bit. Just enough to remember the truth. That God loves me and that I am loved by others as well. The tears have been falling and I can't even tell you exactly why. Maybe God wants them to cleanse me. I know this path is not over and the journey will continue.
The voices are mean. The voices are lonely. The voices are dark. I don't feel His warmth right now but am reminded to walk in faith. "Blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed." John 20:29 Reminding myself of this verse I will choose to lean on the truth that I know is real. The truth that although I cannot feel Him, He is here with me. I will walk this darkness out in faith.
This is really hard. Nothing worth it is easy. No one ever said the journey of faith will be an easy one either. God never promised there would be no pain, no grief, no tears, no confusion but at this exact moment I will choose to walk in faith.
It is hard because I feel the dark gripping me and not wanting to let go. That familiar darkness. That familiar pain. That familiar loneliness. I will continue to go step by step and day by day. I will do this on my own, but alas - I am not alone. I just have to let Him in. I have a hard time praying right now and I feel fake about it. I am a sin filled, problematic, fallen child.
I really don't know where I am going with this, except just feeling a SLIGHT bit of peace this morning. Peace within the midst of darkness. Warmth in the midst of the cold. Loved in midst of the pain. Understood by Him, if not by anyone else. Right now I lean on the hope that He will help me through this. That maybe, just maybe He might see that I am alone and don't want to be. I don't want to scream. I wear the mask and continue on my way. Continue on the path that I know will end. Eventually.
I pray that he forgives me for going back and forth. For feeling stuck. For feeling like a failure. Within the battle that is oh so familiar I will struggle and fight to not stay in that familiar place but remind myself of the joy I feel in Him. At this exact moment I remember Him. The Daddy I always wanted. I just hope that he is holding me and won't punish me. The brief moments of clarity lift the fog and bring warmth again.
Being up since 5:30 again this morning I have been thinking. My teaching over the last couple years has taught me a lot. It has taught me that the depression can pull me under but even though it does God can lift me back up. It doesn't stop the silence that screams out from within my soul. It is a battle but it is worth it.
The things that I have been taught have included the fact that God will protect me. He will hold me up when I fall. That "He will command his angels concerning you to guard you carefully; they will lift you up in their hands, so that you will not strike your foot against a stone." Luke 4:10-11
This came to me this morning. That I will fall, I will stumble, but I have to try really hard to remember that even though I don't FEEL it at the moment God is talking to his angels concerning little ol' me. That I am important enough that God will take the time to give His angels to help me not strike my feet as I fall to the ground and feel like I can't get up. When I feel like I am being dragged through the muck, the dirt and the grime He has his angels with me so that I won't be alone.
Sure it is a painful journey but I have experienced the joy of coming out on the other side of that darkness. The other side of that scary path there is the light that warms my heart. The light that tells me that He will be there even though I don't feel Him.
I can't feel Him right now but at this exact moment it almost feels like the fog has lifted a bit. Just enough to remember the truth. That God loves me and that I am loved by others as well. The tears have been falling and I can't even tell you exactly why. Maybe God wants them to cleanse me. I know this path is not over and the journey will continue.
The voices are mean. The voices are lonely. The voices are dark. I don't feel His warmth right now but am reminded to walk in faith. "Blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed." John 20:29 Reminding myself of this verse I will choose to lean on the truth that I know is real. The truth that although I cannot feel Him, He is here with me. I will walk this darkness out in faith.
This is really hard. Nothing worth it is easy. No one ever said the journey of faith will be an easy one either. God never promised there would be no pain, no grief, no tears, no confusion but at this exact moment I will choose to walk in faith.
It is hard because I feel the dark gripping me and not wanting to let go. That familiar darkness. That familiar pain. That familiar loneliness. I will continue to go step by step and day by day. I will do this on my own, but alas - I am not alone. I just have to let Him in. I have a hard time praying right now and I feel fake about it. I am a sin filled, problematic, fallen child.
I really don't know where I am going with this, except just feeling a SLIGHT bit of peace this morning. Peace within the midst of darkness. Warmth in the midst of the cold. Loved in midst of the pain. Understood by Him, if not by anyone else. Right now I lean on the hope that He will help me through this. That maybe, just maybe He might see that I am alone and don't want to be. I don't want to scream. I wear the mask and continue on my way. Continue on the path that I know will end. Eventually.
I pray that he forgives me for going back and forth. For feeling stuck. For feeling like a failure. Within the battle that is oh so familiar I will struggle and fight to not stay in that familiar place but remind myself of the joy I feel in Him. At this exact moment I remember Him. The Daddy I always wanted. I just hope that he is holding me and won't punish me. The brief moments of clarity lift the fog and bring warmth again.
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Silent Screams
Kind of sounds contradicting doesn't it? How can a scream be silent? Screams are loud and usually make people's heads turn towards the one screaming. But I feel like I am screaming inside but yet am silent through it all.
Why?
It is only because it is my fault. I am not telling anyone. I am not letting anyone in. I feel guilty for feeling the pain and the hurt and frustration that I do when I watch so many around me suffer through harder things then the petty shit on my brain. I feel guilty for wanting to cry and run and scream. My life is blessed so what the hell is my problem? I feel like an ungrateful person. I feel like a forgotten daughter. I feel like a failure.
I have been absolutely blessed with this fifth pregnancy. A pregnancy that is in fact keeping me on my toes but a blessing none the less. A baby that is now at 16 weeks 4 days gestation age. A baby that I have longed to be pregnant with. A baby that I am starting to feel move. I have longed to feel those things again. Through my pain and my anger back in September God had still decided that bless me with this baby. To bless my family with this baby. I don't DARE ask why me for fear it might be taken away out of punishment. I am told though that our God is not like that. Yet here I sit silently in tears. Silently screaming at the top of my lungs. Gasping for breath so that I can bring one more scream out. Yet I don't do it. I silently let it build. I don't let anyone in, not even God. Would He really want to hear the same crap from me? Would He deem me ungrateful and punish me and make me pay?
The last week or so I have silently been trying to battle my depression. There are good days and bad days of course. I almost wonder with the increasingly different changes with my hormones, if maybe my mind can't hang on to the balance anymore. I don't want to increase my meds. So I silently battle.
Today at church I sat by myself. Running on four and a half hours of sleep I fought the tears. Hearing the pain that my pastor is going through with his family. Hearing the pain that a very special church family is going through. All the while thinking that I really don't deserve to be upset. Yet, I cry. I struggle.
I felt like I couldn't even sing the songs. As I would be nothing but a fake. Where is this God, this Father that I knew loved me. Why don't I feel that anymore? Why do I feel like He is no where to be heard or seen. Why do I feel like if I admit this out loud my baby would be snatched from within my womb because I don't believe. I DO really believe but I fight.
Our wonderful pastor ended the service saying a couple things. Some of the things he said were, "God loves you." "God is proud of you." I bawled. I dropped my head in tears. I sat silently screaming and feeling like no one gave a shit. Everyone walked past me and around me. I couldn't feel God although I cried out to Him. Proud of ME? He loves ME? Why? When all I feel like I am doing is being ungrateful. I feel like I am at a breaking point again and I don't like it. I feel like the dark is ever so slowly engulfing me again. I fight as best I can but what good is a fight if no one is there to battle with you? I tell my husband I am tired because I just don't want to worry him or my son. So I silently fight.
During coffee time a dear friend passed me, rubbed my shoulder and said hi. It was all I could do to put on a fake smile and say hi back. I couldn't say hi so I just smiled. Then another dear friend approached me and I put on the act. I put on the laughs and the smiles saying I was great. Saying the baby was good. Yet inside I was stomping my feet and screaming. Yet on the outside I successfully was able to wear my mask again. I looked at her and her eyes pierced in to me and I knew I had to tell her. I had to tell someone. So I just said, "honestly, I am struggling with the depression, so yeah....but it will be fine." Sure, it WILL be fine. But damn it Misty, you have to let people in to fight with you. Yet I won't do it because there are so many other people hurting. So I fight silently.
Sitting there at the end of service while the tears flowed I dropped to my knees just listening to the music. Not daring to get up and ask for prayer. I cried alone. Surrounded by the dark. Surrounded by laughter and people mingling but all I could think was, "suck it up Misty. Put on your big girl panties and wear the mask." So I sat back down and wiped my tears. Breathed a big sigh, got up put on my coat and did what I do best. I ran away. There are a few I want to reach to because they know this dark ugly path I have been on. Maybe just maybe they would care. But I don't even give them the benefit of doubt and I know that this is something I have to walk through on my own. I feel selfish. I feel pathetic. I let the tears fall briefly as I type and each one that drops upon my ever growing belly is like letting out a scream of relief. Then I feel the guilt wash over me again. I should be happy. I am happy. So why do I silently sit here screaming and fighting the darkness that is oh so familiar at this point.
Screaming silently but wanting to secretly let people in.
SILENT SCREAMS
The dark engulfs me and
starts to entangle me in it's
thick, familiar web.
The voice of light seems to
be so distant at this point that
even though I can feel it's
warmth and see it's brightness
I see it getting smaller
and smaller.
I stand wanting to stomp my
feet and cry like a child.
I scream but no sound
can escape my soul.
So I stand there, silently
screaming and putting on a smile
so that no one will know.
God knows yet I won't let
Him in enough so that we
can fight the dark together.
No, I can do this on my
own, even though I know
that I am clearly not supposed to.
The road that has been
so familiar for me in the past
is beckoning for me to come
along it and walk it again.
To turn around, walk down
it's dark and lonely fear
gripping, bumpy surface.
I stand in one spot screaming
from within not knowing
where to turn and what to do.
I am reaching out my hand
to feel Daddy take my own
but where is it?
I can't find it's familiar
warmth and strength.
So as the dark pulls in around
me I stand not knowing what
to do and silently screaming
for help.
Hoping that somewhere, He
will hear me and care. That
someone will care.
Not out of sympathy, but because
they love me and have
walked it with me before.
But for now my throat tightens,
my teeth clench and
my body wretches within.
I put on the mask, wear the
happy face and take another
step, refusing to let the
dark win.
It is all I can do.
Why?
It is only because it is my fault. I am not telling anyone. I am not letting anyone in. I feel guilty for feeling the pain and the hurt and frustration that I do when I watch so many around me suffer through harder things then the petty shit on my brain. I feel guilty for wanting to cry and run and scream. My life is blessed so what the hell is my problem? I feel like an ungrateful person. I feel like a forgotten daughter. I feel like a failure.
I have been absolutely blessed with this fifth pregnancy. A pregnancy that is in fact keeping me on my toes but a blessing none the less. A baby that is now at 16 weeks 4 days gestation age. A baby that I have longed to be pregnant with. A baby that I am starting to feel move. I have longed to feel those things again. Through my pain and my anger back in September God had still decided that bless me with this baby. To bless my family with this baby. I don't DARE ask why me for fear it might be taken away out of punishment. I am told though that our God is not like that. Yet here I sit silently in tears. Silently screaming at the top of my lungs. Gasping for breath so that I can bring one more scream out. Yet I don't do it. I silently let it build. I don't let anyone in, not even God. Would He really want to hear the same crap from me? Would He deem me ungrateful and punish me and make me pay?
The last week or so I have silently been trying to battle my depression. There are good days and bad days of course. I almost wonder with the increasingly different changes with my hormones, if maybe my mind can't hang on to the balance anymore. I don't want to increase my meds. So I silently battle.
Today at church I sat by myself. Running on four and a half hours of sleep I fought the tears. Hearing the pain that my pastor is going through with his family. Hearing the pain that a very special church family is going through. All the while thinking that I really don't deserve to be upset. Yet, I cry. I struggle.
I felt like I couldn't even sing the songs. As I would be nothing but a fake. Where is this God, this Father that I knew loved me. Why don't I feel that anymore? Why do I feel like He is no where to be heard or seen. Why do I feel like if I admit this out loud my baby would be snatched from within my womb because I don't believe. I DO really believe but I fight.
Our wonderful pastor ended the service saying a couple things. Some of the things he said were, "God loves you." "God is proud of you." I bawled. I dropped my head in tears. I sat silently screaming and feeling like no one gave a shit. Everyone walked past me and around me. I couldn't feel God although I cried out to Him. Proud of ME? He loves ME? Why? When all I feel like I am doing is being ungrateful. I feel like I am at a breaking point again and I don't like it. I feel like the dark is ever so slowly engulfing me again. I fight as best I can but what good is a fight if no one is there to battle with you? I tell my husband I am tired because I just don't want to worry him or my son. So I silently fight.
During coffee time a dear friend passed me, rubbed my shoulder and said hi. It was all I could do to put on a fake smile and say hi back. I couldn't say hi so I just smiled. Then another dear friend approached me and I put on the act. I put on the laughs and the smiles saying I was great. Saying the baby was good. Yet inside I was stomping my feet and screaming. Yet on the outside I successfully was able to wear my mask again. I looked at her and her eyes pierced in to me and I knew I had to tell her. I had to tell someone. So I just said, "honestly, I am struggling with the depression, so yeah....but it will be fine." Sure, it WILL be fine. But damn it Misty, you have to let people in to fight with you. Yet I won't do it because there are so many other people hurting. So I fight silently.
Sitting there at the end of service while the tears flowed I dropped to my knees just listening to the music. Not daring to get up and ask for prayer. I cried alone. Surrounded by the dark. Surrounded by laughter and people mingling but all I could think was, "suck it up Misty. Put on your big girl panties and wear the mask." So I sat back down and wiped my tears. Breathed a big sigh, got up put on my coat and did what I do best. I ran away. There are a few I want to reach to because they know this dark ugly path I have been on. Maybe just maybe they would care. But I don't even give them the benefit of doubt and I know that this is something I have to walk through on my own. I feel selfish. I feel pathetic. I let the tears fall briefly as I type and each one that drops upon my ever growing belly is like letting out a scream of relief. Then I feel the guilt wash over me again. I should be happy. I am happy. So why do I silently sit here screaming and fighting the darkness that is oh so familiar at this point.
Screaming silently but wanting to secretly let people in.
SILENT SCREAMS
The dark engulfs me and
starts to entangle me in it's
thick, familiar web.
The voice of light seems to
be so distant at this point that
even though I can feel it's
warmth and see it's brightness
I see it getting smaller
and smaller.
I stand wanting to stomp my
feet and cry like a child.
I scream but no sound
can escape my soul.
So I stand there, silently
screaming and putting on a smile
so that no one will know.
God knows yet I won't let
Him in enough so that we
can fight the dark together.
No, I can do this on my
own, even though I know
that I am clearly not supposed to.
The road that has been
so familiar for me in the past
is beckoning for me to come
along it and walk it again.
To turn around, walk down
it's dark and lonely fear
gripping, bumpy surface.
I stand in one spot screaming
from within not knowing
where to turn and what to do.
I am reaching out my hand
to feel Daddy take my own
but where is it?
I can't find it's familiar
warmth and strength.
So as the dark pulls in around
me I stand not knowing what
to do and silently screaming
for help.
Hoping that somewhere, He
will hear me and care. That
someone will care.
Not out of sympathy, but because
they love me and have
walked it with me before.
But for now my throat tightens,
my teeth clench and
my body wretches within.
I put on the mask, wear the
happy face and take another
step, refusing to let the
dark win.
It is all I can do.
Thursday, December 30, 2010
"Jesus wept"
John 11:35 tells us that Jesus wept. He wept over the anguish of a loss.
Lately there have been a lot of losses around me. People I love suffering through betrayal and hurt. People suffering through losing people they love. Those suffering through debilitating illnesses. Before I would find myself getting angry at God, but I am finding right now that I am weeping. It makes me think, is God weeping along with us?
Friends have lost a child recently. A couple days a go another friend died. A victim of a horrible accident, in a second the family lost their father and their husband. All in the blink of an eye. I always have believed that a parent should NEVER ever have to outlive their children. It is so heart breaking to witness any loss. These recent losses got me thinking further. These are God's children. So our Father is outliving His children. Does it make His heart weep? Does it make His heart ache?
I am thankful that in this time of mourning and uncertainty God is with us. I am thankful that we "do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet he did not sin." Hebrews 4:15
So this Father, this High Priest, our Jesus is able to sympathize with us. I find myself in this time doing something much different then I have ever done before. Rather then blaming and yelling at and criticizing God I find myself weeping. Imagining that He is along side me weeping along with me.
During this season of weeping my heart is so sore. It is hard to wrap our heads around and understand this side of heaven all the hurt and pain that each of those I love is going through. But in Faith I will walk believing that Jesus is weeping with us. That He will not abandon us during this time.
"Jesus wept", we are free to do the same, knowing that Jesus understands and He will protect us during this time. Pray with me for peace in the lives of all those hurting. Within the church family, blood family and friend family. Only God knows the reason and it is hard to just pray and feel so helpless. But it is times like this that I wonder, what else CAN I do?
Lately there have been a lot of losses around me. People I love suffering through betrayal and hurt. People suffering through losing people they love. Those suffering through debilitating illnesses. Before I would find myself getting angry at God, but I am finding right now that I am weeping. It makes me think, is God weeping along with us?
Friends have lost a child recently. A couple days a go another friend died. A victim of a horrible accident, in a second the family lost their father and their husband. All in the blink of an eye. I always have believed that a parent should NEVER ever have to outlive their children. It is so heart breaking to witness any loss. These recent losses got me thinking further. These are God's children. So our Father is outliving His children. Does it make His heart weep? Does it make His heart ache?
I am thankful that in this time of mourning and uncertainty God is with us. I am thankful that we "do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet he did not sin." Hebrews 4:15
So this Father, this High Priest, our Jesus is able to sympathize with us. I find myself in this time doing something much different then I have ever done before. Rather then blaming and yelling at and criticizing God I find myself weeping. Imagining that He is along side me weeping along with me.
During this season of weeping my heart is so sore. It is hard to wrap our heads around and understand this side of heaven all the hurt and pain that each of those I love is going through. But in Faith I will walk believing that Jesus is weeping with us. That He will not abandon us during this time.
"Jesus wept", we are free to do the same, knowing that Jesus understands and He will protect us during this time. Pray with me for peace in the lives of all those hurting. Within the church family, blood family and friend family. Only God knows the reason and it is hard to just pray and feel so helpless. But it is times like this that I wonder, what else CAN I do?
Saturday, October 09, 2010
Trusting and Understanding God
Those, for me, are two of the hardest things I can do. I think a lot of people can find that same struggle.
For me it is fear based. Like I can trust myself to take care of me better then the God of the universe! God is so big that I don't think we will ever be able to understand Him. I think to some small points we get the glimpses of Him. Like how much He loves us. Sure I can see a bit of it but it is actually SO much more then that.
I am reading a book called "I Will Carry You" by Angie Smith. Angie talks about her struggles with God during a time when she has to give birth to her dying child. This book is a hard read for me. As I am sure it would be most people. I would have done the same thing that she did though. Even though the outcome was grim for her daughter she chose to carry her until the time GOD decided to take her home.
As most of you know I have had three early losses. I am telling people that I am fine with only having one child. I am fine that after two and a half years we have not been able to conceive or bring a child to full term and get to love them. I am blessed to have my beautiful 4 year old.
As I watch at a distance I see a family going through the struggle of losing their 4 year old. Watching her die slowly. Then I find myself asking God WHY.
Pregnancy announcements are hard for me. Three in the past two days. Yeah I realize it may sound pathetic to still feel this way but this is me and it DOES matter because it hurts me. It is making me realize that the reason it hurts is because I haven't grieved my babies and the loss of the dreams of a future. But how do I do that?
This morning I found myself just laying in bed crying out to God. Giving Him my hurt, my pain and my tears. Letting my guard down and letting HIM in. He cried with me, He held me and stroked my hair as I fell asleep amongst the tears.
Then when I woke up I could still feel His powerful presence. I went back to the book by Angie Smith. I read a bit then came to the verse that is at the end of her chapter I was on.
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-6
I have read this verse before. I have sat and thought about it before. This morning it struck me. "Lean not on your own understanding", hmmm funny because I don't understand why I feel hurt and sorrow and pain. I don't understand WHY we lost three babies. And to us they ARE babies even though the losses were early. I can't wrap my head around the WHY of it all. This morning I am realizing that I am not meant to understand it. I am meant to just trust in Him. That even though my babies went to heaven I will see them one day. That God is good and He has so much more in store for me.
My heart breaks in to a million pieces when I hear about lost pregnancies. Pregnancies that went home too soon. Before we were ready. Children that went home, or are going home, before WE are ready. God is ready for these children, these babies. He holds His hands out to receive them. Knowing that He is with my babies gives me a slight sense of peace. Yes God does "give and take away" but the beauty of it is that even though something is being taken away there is even more beauty that will arise out of the situation.
If I didn't lose my babies, if I didn't end up in the psych ward because of the mental breakdown after the third loss, there is no way I would be on the journey I am on now. I know that I need to let God in and I know that He is waiting for me to open that door, "Here I am! I stand at the door and knock." Revelation 3:20. I will sometimes let that door peek open just a crack and test the waters so to speak. But He doesn't push past me to get in. I slam the door shut and He raises His hand again to knock. He doesn't get tired of knocking. He doesn't get tired of waiting. He is gentle and loving. He is a gentleman in every sense of the word.
So as I find myself spinning in the dark, stuck in a valley I can see His light ahead. I feel His hand slip in to my own and guide me out, making the trek to the hilltop again. There is pain along the way but as the bible once again says, "For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are - yet was without sin." So we have someone who can relate to us in every way because He is GOD. He made us, He loves us and hurts with us. So given that we "can approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace in our time of need." (Hebrews 4:15-16)
Notice what it says there. We may receive MERCY and find GRACE. It doesn't say that we will receive understanding as to WHY these things are happening. But we will be given the grace to accept it. As long as we just put our faith and trust in God.
Trusting God can be hard and it is just a matter of walking it out in faith. The world comes and tries to take over. Our own minds wanting answers get caught up in it all and then we just put ourselves in a spiral.
Although I don't understand WHY today I am going to choose to trust Him. That He really does have good planned for my life and will walk me in all the paths I go down. Guiding me and helping me to go straight. I don't understand. My head knows that this happened for a reason and things continue to happen for a reason but my prayer today is that I can get it in my HEART to understand. I will never be able to fully understand God or His reasons but I can learn to understand that He loves me and has the best intentions for me in the pain of this world. I can learn to trust Him. He walks me down this path. It is bumpy and has smooth moments, tear filled moments and anger moments but He stops with me. He sits with me as I stomp my feet in frustration. As I bang my fists on the ground He doesn't stop me from the emotions but He sits with me patiently understanding as I go through them. As I allow myself to experience the emotions and be weak. He cries with me because I am sad. He hurts with me. I will understand that. In all my weakness my Daddy is holding me and I trust that.
For me it is fear based. Like I can trust myself to take care of me better then the God of the universe! God is so big that I don't think we will ever be able to understand Him. I think to some small points we get the glimpses of Him. Like how much He loves us. Sure I can see a bit of it but it is actually SO much more then that.
I am reading a book called "I Will Carry You" by Angie Smith. Angie talks about her struggles with God during a time when she has to give birth to her dying child. This book is a hard read for me. As I am sure it would be most people. I would have done the same thing that she did though. Even though the outcome was grim for her daughter she chose to carry her until the time GOD decided to take her home.
As most of you know I have had three early losses. I am telling people that I am fine with only having one child. I am fine that after two and a half years we have not been able to conceive or bring a child to full term and get to love them. I am blessed to have my beautiful 4 year old.
As I watch at a distance I see a family going through the struggle of losing their 4 year old. Watching her die slowly. Then I find myself asking God WHY.
Pregnancy announcements are hard for me. Three in the past two days. Yeah I realize it may sound pathetic to still feel this way but this is me and it DOES matter because it hurts me. It is making me realize that the reason it hurts is because I haven't grieved my babies and the loss of the dreams of a future. But how do I do that?
This morning I found myself just laying in bed crying out to God. Giving Him my hurt, my pain and my tears. Letting my guard down and letting HIM in. He cried with me, He held me and stroked my hair as I fell asleep amongst the tears.
Then when I woke up I could still feel His powerful presence. I went back to the book by Angie Smith. I read a bit then came to the verse that is at the end of her chapter I was on.
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-6
I have read this verse before. I have sat and thought about it before. This morning it struck me. "Lean not on your own understanding", hmmm funny because I don't understand why I feel hurt and sorrow and pain. I don't understand WHY we lost three babies. And to us they ARE babies even though the losses were early. I can't wrap my head around the WHY of it all. This morning I am realizing that I am not meant to understand it. I am meant to just trust in Him. That even though my babies went to heaven I will see them one day. That God is good and He has so much more in store for me.
My heart breaks in to a million pieces when I hear about lost pregnancies. Pregnancies that went home too soon. Before we were ready. Children that went home, or are going home, before WE are ready. God is ready for these children, these babies. He holds His hands out to receive them. Knowing that He is with my babies gives me a slight sense of peace. Yes God does "give and take away" but the beauty of it is that even though something is being taken away there is even more beauty that will arise out of the situation.
If I didn't lose my babies, if I didn't end up in the psych ward because of the mental breakdown after the third loss, there is no way I would be on the journey I am on now. I know that I need to let God in and I know that He is waiting for me to open that door, "Here I am! I stand at the door and knock." Revelation 3:20. I will sometimes let that door peek open just a crack and test the waters so to speak. But He doesn't push past me to get in. I slam the door shut and He raises His hand again to knock. He doesn't get tired of knocking. He doesn't get tired of waiting. He is gentle and loving. He is a gentleman in every sense of the word.
So as I find myself spinning in the dark, stuck in a valley I can see His light ahead. I feel His hand slip in to my own and guide me out, making the trek to the hilltop again. There is pain along the way but as the bible once again says, "For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are - yet was without sin." So we have someone who can relate to us in every way because He is GOD. He made us, He loves us and hurts with us. So given that we "can approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace in our time of need." (Hebrews 4:15-16)
Notice what it says there. We may receive MERCY and find GRACE. It doesn't say that we will receive understanding as to WHY these things are happening. But we will be given the grace to accept it. As long as we just put our faith and trust in God.
Trusting God can be hard and it is just a matter of walking it out in faith. The world comes and tries to take over. Our own minds wanting answers get caught up in it all and then we just put ourselves in a spiral.
Although I don't understand WHY today I am going to choose to trust Him. That He really does have good planned for my life and will walk me in all the paths I go down. Guiding me and helping me to go straight. I don't understand. My head knows that this happened for a reason and things continue to happen for a reason but my prayer today is that I can get it in my HEART to understand. I will never be able to fully understand God or His reasons but I can learn to understand that He loves me and has the best intentions for me in the pain of this world. I can learn to trust Him. He walks me down this path. It is bumpy and has smooth moments, tear filled moments and anger moments but He stops with me. He sits with me as I stomp my feet in frustration. As I bang my fists on the ground He doesn't stop me from the emotions but He sits with me patiently understanding as I go through them. As I allow myself to experience the emotions and be weak. He cries with me because I am sad. He hurts with me. I will understand that. In all my weakness my Daddy is holding me and I trust that.
Monday, October 04, 2010
Manure
It stinks. No one wants to touch it or go near it. It sticks to your shoe. No one wants that on there. Manure is crap. Plain and simple. Crap. No one likes it.
Why am I gone forever and then come back and write about manure?
Because I heard a good point in our sermon yesterday.
"Fruit grows in manure".
Stop and think about that for a second. Farmers use manure to help fruit and other life giving substances to grow. Even cow corn is life giving, for the cows. The manure helps it to grow. Does the food taste like shit? No. It has a wonderful taste. The fruit just bursts with wonderful texture and taste.
Now think about it figuratively.
We all go through shit in our lives. We don't like it. It is hard. It stinks. It is sticky and discouraging. It is a low part and it makes you feel stuck.
As we continue to go through the manure that we are in we grow. We learn to turn to Jesus. The Farmer that will help us grow and strengthen us through the crap. We come out of the other side ripe.
Crap stinks. I, like many others, have been through crap. But I can sit and look at it after and see how God has pulled me through the stink. He pulled me and pruned me and helped me to grow through the situation and got me to the point where I was fruitful to share about Him. It being only Him that could pull me through I can share my experience and show how God works in my life. Through the good, the bad and the ugly.
Life stinks sometimes but God is there. He is pruning us through the crap and walking along side us, stinking along with us so that we grow to be beautiful in Him when it is done.
Keep heart. Even though you are in the middle of the manure God is working. He will help you walk through it and grow. You will come out victorious and beautiful, bursting with the fruit of Him. You WILL come through the growing season, no matter how bleak it is.
So if you are caught in the manure keep walking. Fruit does come from manure.
Why am I gone forever and then come back and write about manure?
Because I heard a good point in our sermon yesterday.
"Fruit grows in manure".
Stop and think about that for a second. Farmers use manure to help fruit and other life giving substances to grow. Even cow corn is life giving, for the cows. The manure helps it to grow. Does the food taste like shit? No. It has a wonderful taste. The fruit just bursts with wonderful texture and taste.
Now think about it figuratively.
We all go through shit in our lives. We don't like it. It is hard. It stinks. It is sticky and discouraging. It is a low part and it makes you feel stuck.
As we continue to go through the manure that we are in we grow. We learn to turn to Jesus. The Farmer that will help us grow and strengthen us through the crap. We come out of the other side ripe.
Crap stinks. I, like many others, have been through crap. But I can sit and look at it after and see how God has pulled me through the stink. He pulled me and pruned me and helped me to grow through the situation and got me to the point where I was fruitful to share about Him. It being only Him that could pull me through I can share my experience and show how God works in my life. Through the good, the bad and the ugly.
Life stinks sometimes but God is there. He is pruning us through the crap and walking along side us, stinking along with us so that we grow to be beautiful in Him when it is done.
Keep heart. Even though you are in the middle of the manure God is working. He will help you walk through it and grow. You will come out victorious and beautiful, bursting with the fruit of Him. You WILL come through the growing season, no matter how bleak it is.
So if you are caught in the manure keep walking. Fruit does come from manure.
Saturday, August 14, 2010
devotion from today
Things I Cannot Understand
TGIF Today God Is First Volume 1, by Os Hillman
"Have you ever questioned God's activity in your life? Have you questioned His love for you based on circumstances that came your way? The cross at Calvary answers the love question. He sent His own Son in replacement for your sin. If you were the only person on earth, He would have done the same. His ways cannot always be understood or reconciled in our finite minds. That must be left for a future time when all will be understood. For now, entrust your life to Him completely. Embrace Him in the hard times and the good."
TGIF Today God Is First Volume 1, by Os Hillman
"Have you ever questioned God's activity in your life? Have you questioned His love for you based on circumstances that came your way? The cross at Calvary answers the love question. He sent His own Son in replacement for your sin. If you were the only person on earth, He would have done the same. His ways cannot always be understood or reconciled in our finite minds. That must be left for a future time when all will be understood. For now, entrust your life to Him completely. Embrace Him in the hard times and the good."
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
What love is.....
I think I have always had a problem knowing what love really is.
Strings attached. Approval needed. A pat on the back rather then a hug.
I have been learning something. My view on love was tainted and wrong. Love has no strings attached. It holds you when you are broken. It doesn't hold blame and give guilt. Love, real love, is beautiful.
God has an amazing love for His children. EVERY one of them. The lost, the found, the weak, the strong, the broken and the pieced together. He wipes your tears and holds you when you cry. He accepts the tears and doesn't tell you to toughen up. He tells you, "Child, let it out. I am holding you." He doesn't condemn you for your mistakes, He helps you to work through them and realize that you can get through them and He still loves you. NO strings attached.
It is hard for me to wrap my head around it. Love really can't be THAT simple can it? Forgiveness given when asked, really is it that simple? But it is. It really is. His love that will fill any void. A void that cannot be filled with any type of drug, drink or numbing. When we try to fill that void with something besides God and His love it just feels even more empty.
He holds His hands out to us, waiting for us to run to Him. Wanting to hold us in our pain, cry with us, laugh with us with no expectations. Love is God. When you read the following verse I challenge you to replace the word love with "God". The word it with "He". THAT is what true love is.
"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no records of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always loves, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails." 1Corinthians 13:4-8
So cling to real love. The REAL love of Christ. I am so grateful for it and find myself having a hard time believing it is that simple. But it is. Praise God.
Strings attached. Approval needed. A pat on the back rather then a hug.
I have been learning something. My view on love was tainted and wrong. Love has no strings attached. It holds you when you are broken. It doesn't hold blame and give guilt. Love, real love, is beautiful.
God has an amazing love for His children. EVERY one of them. The lost, the found, the weak, the strong, the broken and the pieced together. He wipes your tears and holds you when you cry. He accepts the tears and doesn't tell you to toughen up. He tells you, "Child, let it out. I am holding you." He doesn't condemn you for your mistakes, He helps you to work through them and realize that you can get through them and He still loves you. NO strings attached.
It is hard for me to wrap my head around it. Love really can't be THAT simple can it? Forgiveness given when asked, really is it that simple? But it is. It really is. His love that will fill any void. A void that cannot be filled with any type of drug, drink or numbing. When we try to fill that void with something besides God and His love it just feels even more empty.
He holds His hands out to us, waiting for us to run to Him. Wanting to hold us in our pain, cry with us, laugh with us with no expectations. Love is God. When you read the following verse I challenge you to replace the word love with "God". The word it with "He". THAT is what true love is.
"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no records of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always loves, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails." 1Corinthians 13:4-8
So cling to real love. The REAL love of Christ. I am so grateful for it and find myself having a hard time believing it is that simple. But it is. Praise God.
Friday, June 11, 2010
percocet
I have discovered that it is a very dangerous pain drug. I have TMJ on the left side of my jaw. It hurt so bad it sent me to the hospital. I couldn't eat or talk and that is what made Phil say, "That's it....you're going in."
So I went. When it was time to leave they gave me enough percocet for three days. Plus gave me a dose before I left.
That drug is CRAZY! Not only did it take the pain away but it helped me sleep and check out for a while. It made me loopy and everything. But I didn't mind it. I did it at bed time when Phil was home.
But then something started to concern me. I was running out. How can I get more? Can I convince the doctor to give me more? Ummm....HELLO MISTY!!! You are no longer in pain, you don't need it. BUT! I like checking out and the feeling it gives me. Then another knock on the side of the head....HELLO MISTY!! That is addictive behavior.
So I looked it up on the internet and sure enough it can become addictive in as little as one to two doses. WHOA! That scared me.
My family has a history of addictive behavior. I never did drugs or smoked because I was always afraid I would become addicted. Sure enough I was heading down that path. A friend talked me out of it. I fought wanting to get "more" just because. I learned that it is a BIG thing on the street as well.
It is scary that a drug to relieve pain can do that to someone. I won't take it ever again if I can help it. It is scary what our modern medicine can do to people. It got me praying for those that are addicted and in the dark of their addiction. That they feel there is no way out.
I mean I know I wasn't ADDICTED per-say but I think I was catching the warning signs. I am glad I listened. Because I was honestly about to go to the clinic and get more.
Addictions are so hard. I feel for those that have thrown their lives away because of it. That are so webbed in it they don't know how to fight their way out or even if they CAN fight their way out. I have found my heart breaking for addicts lately. I am not sure why as this is a new to me experience. I have found myself wanting to pray for more and more people lately. Which is a good thing.
It just got me thinking how EASILY someone could slip and not even realize it.
So I went. When it was time to leave they gave me enough percocet for three days. Plus gave me a dose before I left.
That drug is CRAZY! Not only did it take the pain away but it helped me sleep and check out for a while. It made me loopy and everything. But I didn't mind it. I did it at bed time when Phil was home.
But then something started to concern me. I was running out. How can I get more? Can I convince the doctor to give me more? Ummm....HELLO MISTY!!! You are no longer in pain, you don't need it. BUT! I like checking out and the feeling it gives me. Then another knock on the side of the head....HELLO MISTY!! That is addictive behavior.
So I looked it up on the internet and sure enough it can become addictive in as little as one to two doses. WHOA! That scared me.
My family has a history of addictive behavior. I never did drugs or smoked because I was always afraid I would become addicted. Sure enough I was heading down that path. A friend talked me out of it. I fought wanting to get "more" just because. I learned that it is a BIG thing on the street as well.
It is scary that a drug to relieve pain can do that to someone. I won't take it ever again if I can help it. It is scary what our modern medicine can do to people. It got me praying for those that are addicted and in the dark of their addiction. That they feel there is no way out.
I mean I know I wasn't ADDICTED per-say but I think I was catching the warning signs. I am glad I listened. Because I was honestly about to go to the clinic and get more.
Addictions are so hard. I feel for those that have thrown their lives away because of it. That are so webbed in it they don't know how to fight their way out or even if they CAN fight their way out. I have found my heart breaking for addicts lately. I am not sure why as this is a new to me experience. I have found myself wanting to pray for more and more people lately. Which is a good thing.
It just got me thinking how EASILY someone could slip and not even realize it.
Friday, April 16, 2010
4 years old today!!
at 6:40am my little guy will be 4. How the time has flown. God sure has blessed us with this little miracle. Mommy and Daddy are so proud of you Cooper. You are such a sweet, caring, compassionate, smart little boy.
and this is what a tired, excited little boy who got up at 6am looks like!!
Happy Birthday Cooper!
and this is what a tired, excited little boy who got up at 6am looks like!!
Happy Birthday Cooper!
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Feeling Blessed
and loved.
that is all.
this is a hard journey but one I am really truly ready to make and complete each step as I can. I am blessed during this journey. I am so thankful.
that is all.
this is a hard journey but one I am really truly ready to make and complete each step as I can. I am blessed during this journey. I am so thankful.
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Uprooted and exposed
Went to a place to get some pictures today. While taking a couple pictures I looked down. To my surprise I saw a little bundle of small daffodils thrown in amongst some thorny bushes. The roots, bulbs and flowers were all exposed. It was like it was just chucked in there like a piece of garbage.
The beauty amongst the thorns.
you know the irony and the symbolism of this really got me. I have been uprooting memories and hurts to try to heal. My inmost life cells to the elements. To the thorns, cold and dark. Yet even though these little daffodils were exposed to the elements they kept growing. They were blooming against all odds. Just thrown in there like garbage.
Kind of gave me some hope that although my roots are being exposed and thrown about God will in turn help me to blossom through this.
I picked these guys up in my hands and carefully put them in the car. I brought them home and planted them in secure ground. Kind of makes me think that our Father God is picking me up in His safe hands. He is going to plant me and root me to grow in Him and prosper.
Even though I am kicking and screaming and scared, I am sure He MUST have a plan in all of this.
So we will see if the daffodils survive. We will see if I survive.
The beauty amongst the thorns.
you know the irony and the symbolism of this really got me. I have been uprooting memories and hurts to try to heal. My inmost life cells to the elements. To the thorns, cold and dark. Yet even though these little daffodils were exposed to the elements they kept growing. They were blooming against all odds. Just thrown in there like garbage.
Kind of gave me some hope that although my roots are being exposed and thrown about God will in turn help me to blossom through this.
I picked these guys up in my hands and carefully put them in the car. I brought them home and planted them in secure ground. Kind of makes me think that our Father God is picking me up in His safe hands. He is going to plant me and root me to grow in Him and prosper.
Even though I am kicking and screaming and scared, I am sure He MUST have a plan in all of this.
So we will see if the daffodils survive. We will see if I survive.
Monday, March 15, 2010
Surgery
You know I have more then likely talked about this before but bear with me here because it is on my mind once again.
Surgery is painful. It hurts. It scars and sometimes takes a while to heal. I believe God is performing surgery right now. Trying to heal my heart of the bitterness I hold, the unforgiving parts of me, the hatred. The hurt, pain and tears. I have cried so many tears in the last few days that it is absolutely pathetic.
I find myself longing to be held when I cry. Longing to be held and told that it will be ok. Some of you may have had that as children. Some of you may be like me and not remember having any of that. So not remembering any of that, how can I imagine or feel God doing just that?
I want to do this surgery because I know it is good for my heart and my soul and my being. But I am so scared. So alone. So hurt. It is hard to be cut open. Wide open to bleed and be vulnerable. It needs to be closed and stitched to heal but I think right now God is slowly opening it up to reveal the muscles, the arteries and the blood. He poured the blood for us first. But to have my insides stretched out and raw is just painful.
Surgery sucks.
It has to be for the good - right?
Surgery is painful. It hurts. It scars and sometimes takes a while to heal. I believe God is performing surgery right now. Trying to heal my heart of the bitterness I hold, the unforgiving parts of me, the hatred. The hurt, pain and tears. I have cried so many tears in the last few days that it is absolutely pathetic.
I find myself longing to be held when I cry. Longing to be held and told that it will be ok. Some of you may have had that as children. Some of you may be like me and not remember having any of that. So not remembering any of that, how can I imagine or feel God doing just that?
I want to do this surgery because I know it is good for my heart and my soul and my being. But I am so scared. So alone. So hurt. It is hard to be cut open. Wide open to bleed and be vulnerable. It needs to be closed and stitched to heal but I think right now God is slowly opening it up to reveal the muscles, the arteries and the blood. He poured the blood for us first. But to have my insides stretched out and raw is just painful.
Surgery sucks.
It has to be for the good - right?
Sunday, March 14, 2010
the truth is hard to hear
but then you start to wonder what is truth.
I have always been told I was stupid, ugly, dumb, and idiot and not worthy. Always. I am being told that it is not the truth. But that is so easy to believe. It has been ingrained in my mind since I was little.
Tonight I was told that I am a bit obsessive and overwhelming. That really hurt. The truth does hurt. But I was also told that given that information I will be strong enough to take it and make it work for me. Make me understand more. To calm.
So given both these major things it comes to the point where I start to wonder what do you believe? when do you believe it?
It hurts to know that I am overwhelming to people. It hurts to think of myself so stupid all the time. I can't hear what God is saying. I only hear what I have been told growing up. Man, I need to be completely rebuilt. How could God be pleased with THIS. With me?
the truth for me is that I am a failure. Everything I do I fail. Time to step away for a bit. We will see when I post again. I am enjoying posting again but at the same time I wonder if I overwhelm people.
I don't know where this is going. I don't even know where I am going. Maybe to bed. Honestly the thought of isolating just keeps coming strong. It would be so much easier. This battle is hard....
I have always been told I was stupid, ugly, dumb, and idiot and not worthy. Always. I am being told that it is not the truth. But that is so easy to believe. It has been ingrained in my mind since I was little.
Tonight I was told that I am a bit obsessive and overwhelming. That really hurt. The truth does hurt. But I was also told that given that information I will be strong enough to take it and make it work for me. Make me understand more. To calm.
So given both these major things it comes to the point where I start to wonder what do you believe? when do you believe it?
It hurts to know that I am overwhelming to people. It hurts to think of myself so stupid all the time. I can't hear what God is saying. I only hear what I have been told growing up. Man, I need to be completely rebuilt. How could God be pleased with THIS. With me?
the truth for me is that I am a failure. Everything I do I fail. Time to step away for a bit. We will see when I post again. I am enjoying posting again but at the same time I wonder if I overwhelm people.
I don't know where this is going. I don't even know where I am going. Maybe to bed. Honestly the thought of isolating just keeps coming strong. It would be so much easier. This battle is hard....
Saturday, March 13, 2010
No one said it would be easy......
but why does it have to be so damn hard!??!
Listening to praise music this morning Mercy Me's Hold Fast comes on. The line that I keep hearing over and over is "please do not let go, I promise you there is hope. Hold fast, help is on the way."
You know it really makes me wonder if God is trying to tell me to keep holding on. To keep fighting.
I have just felt like giving up and walking away from it all. Thinking that the struggle of NOT being a Christian would be "easier" then being one. But I really love Jesus and I don't want to leave Him. But dang it this sucks monkey butt!!
I have known time and time again that God is the greatest surgeon and healer. The hard part is that the memories are coming up. The memories I don't want to resurface. The memories that I have pushed for so long to keep down. The wall I have built up is being chipped away. The dam I have built against His ever flowing love is losing logs each day.
I am doing a conference that talks about soaking in God. Talks about the Father heart of God. I don't have a father that I can compare that to. I mean, they are talking about me not being able to do anything to lose His love. That He loves me. Last night was particularly hard.
The speaker kept saying "Pappa come, Daddy I am here." and "Daddy come". It was just so odd to hear it coming from a strangers lips. To hear someone else whisper Daddy come. I have a few friends that when praying for me they talk to Daddy. They tell me about Daddy and that is ok because I feel like it is safe on their lips and in their prayers. But this was a stranger and I sat there with me mouth clenched trying not to let my jaw drop.
Last night I was so tempted to run. I thought I sat in a good spot so that I could run if I wanted to. The whole time I am thinking, I have to get out of here. I have to leave. I just felt like I couldn't do it anymore. The tears fell freely. I was ashamed. Then what did God do? There was a pairs exercise. I thought, "WHEW! I can get out of this one", as I saw people pair up. I was totally ok with that. I didn't want to do it anyway because it was hard. I just wanted to be by myself. I was writing in my book to look up and see a lady standing in front of me. She asked if she could sit with me. I said sure. So she stooped down to sit on the floor with me. It wasn't until this morning that I realize it was God. Because that lady STAYED on the floor with me the whole time. I felt like I could no longer run.
The book that I am reading talks about how a woman had asked a pastor if she could just cry on his shoulder. He said you can but I would like to know why. She said it was because her dad died when she was a child and she missed the arms holding her when she was upset. The arms that held her telling her it would be ok. The safe arms.
Oh how I have longed for that! I have longed to just be held and to cry. To feel like I can do that and be safe. I remember in the hospital I did that to a friend. She came in, saw I was upset. Took her jacket off then sat on my bed and pulled me close. I just cried.
Right now in the midst of this heart surgery I have found myself wanting to lean in to people who have been praying for me. To just put my head down on one of their shoulders and just feel safe enough to cry. I am sure that a few of them would "let" me do that but there is a part of me that is afraid to show that vulnerability. How do you ask someone, "Ok, during this prayer session I feel like I just need to cry. How do you feel about me soaking your shoulder with my tears?" I have been too afraid to ask that. There is a part of me that knows if I start I might not be able to stop.
The memories, the struggles. This just seems too hard. I left the conference last night in tears. I couldn't do it anymore. I feel like I just can't go back there. But here I sit, dressed and ready to go. Tears already brimming in my eyes. The pastor there caught me on my way out the door last night and said she was seeing the struggles I seemed to be having. Asked if I was ok. I said yes. She said she could see I wasn't. She asked if we could pray. I was super hesitant. This is NOT in my comfort zone. I don't know this person at all. She put her arm around me tight and prayed. Then she told me to pat myself on the back because although this is hard for me I made it two nights.
I feel like I am failing people if I don't go back. I am failing the person who felt this would be a good thing for me to go to. I am failing my husband because we paid for it. I am failing God and failing myself. I need God's strength.
Why is it that I want to be held and want to cry but I just can't ask to do it. I wish I felt His hands drying my tears. God, this is such a hard heart thing to go through and I really don't think I can do this. But this morning I sit here knowing that God is with me. He has to be right? He must be here right?
This is damn hard and I don't like it. I pray that I can feel the safety of my secret place with Him. I pray that I can get through this. That I can forgive. That I can just be held. This is not easy. But people are telling me that it WILL be for the good. It will work out to God's glory right? Right? It has to. Right?
So this morning I am finding myself just putting one foot in front of the other. Not sure how I will go on. Not wanting to eat because I feel so sick. But choosing to believe that He is here. That He will get me through this. I wish I could just FEEL His arms around me right now. The everlasting Father. There I said it. PLEASE don't leave me. Don't let me down from your safety. Please don't leave. Help me to soften my hard heart and continue to be ever so gentle with this surgery.
I am going to assume the healing has begun. It won't be an easy journey. It won't be painless. HOW am I going to get through this!!!
Listening to praise music this morning Mercy Me's Hold Fast comes on. The line that I keep hearing over and over is "please do not let go, I promise you there is hope. Hold fast, help is on the way."
You know it really makes me wonder if God is trying to tell me to keep holding on. To keep fighting.
I have just felt like giving up and walking away from it all. Thinking that the struggle of NOT being a Christian would be "easier" then being one. But I really love Jesus and I don't want to leave Him. But dang it this sucks monkey butt!!
I have known time and time again that God is the greatest surgeon and healer. The hard part is that the memories are coming up. The memories I don't want to resurface. The memories that I have pushed for so long to keep down. The wall I have built up is being chipped away. The dam I have built against His ever flowing love is losing logs each day.
I am doing a conference that talks about soaking in God. Talks about the Father heart of God. I don't have a father that I can compare that to. I mean, they are talking about me not being able to do anything to lose His love. That He loves me. Last night was particularly hard.
The speaker kept saying "Pappa come, Daddy I am here." and "Daddy come". It was just so odd to hear it coming from a strangers lips. To hear someone else whisper Daddy come. I have a few friends that when praying for me they talk to Daddy. They tell me about Daddy and that is ok because I feel like it is safe on their lips and in their prayers. But this was a stranger and I sat there with me mouth clenched trying not to let my jaw drop.
Last night I was so tempted to run. I thought I sat in a good spot so that I could run if I wanted to. The whole time I am thinking, I have to get out of here. I have to leave. I just felt like I couldn't do it anymore. The tears fell freely. I was ashamed. Then what did God do? There was a pairs exercise. I thought, "WHEW! I can get out of this one", as I saw people pair up. I was totally ok with that. I didn't want to do it anyway because it was hard. I just wanted to be by myself. I was writing in my book to look up and see a lady standing in front of me. She asked if she could sit with me. I said sure. So she stooped down to sit on the floor with me. It wasn't until this morning that I realize it was God. Because that lady STAYED on the floor with me the whole time. I felt like I could no longer run.
The book that I am reading talks about how a woman had asked a pastor if she could just cry on his shoulder. He said you can but I would like to know why. She said it was because her dad died when she was a child and she missed the arms holding her when she was upset. The arms that held her telling her it would be ok. The safe arms.
Oh how I have longed for that! I have longed to just be held and to cry. To feel like I can do that and be safe. I remember in the hospital I did that to a friend. She came in, saw I was upset. Took her jacket off then sat on my bed and pulled me close. I just cried.
Right now in the midst of this heart surgery I have found myself wanting to lean in to people who have been praying for me. To just put my head down on one of their shoulders and just feel safe enough to cry. I am sure that a few of them would "let" me do that but there is a part of me that is afraid to show that vulnerability. How do you ask someone, "Ok, during this prayer session I feel like I just need to cry. How do you feel about me soaking your shoulder with my tears?" I have been too afraid to ask that. There is a part of me that knows if I start I might not be able to stop.
The memories, the struggles. This just seems too hard. I left the conference last night in tears. I couldn't do it anymore. I feel like I just can't go back there. But here I sit, dressed and ready to go. Tears already brimming in my eyes. The pastor there caught me on my way out the door last night and said she was seeing the struggles I seemed to be having. Asked if I was ok. I said yes. She said she could see I wasn't. She asked if we could pray. I was super hesitant. This is NOT in my comfort zone. I don't know this person at all. She put her arm around me tight and prayed. Then she told me to pat myself on the back because although this is hard for me I made it two nights.
I feel like I am failing people if I don't go back. I am failing the person who felt this would be a good thing for me to go to. I am failing my husband because we paid for it. I am failing God and failing myself. I need God's strength.
Why is it that I want to be held and want to cry but I just can't ask to do it. I wish I felt His hands drying my tears. God, this is such a hard heart thing to go through and I really don't think I can do this. But this morning I sit here knowing that God is with me. He has to be right? He must be here right?
This is damn hard and I don't like it. I pray that I can feel the safety of my secret place with Him. I pray that I can get through this. That I can forgive. That I can just be held. This is not easy. But people are telling me that it WILL be for the good. It will work out to God's glory right? Right? It has to. Right?
So this morning I am finding myself just putting one foot in front of the other. Not sure how I will go on. Not wanting to eat because I feel so sick. But choosing to believe that He is here. That He will get me through this. I wish I could just FEEL His arms around me right now. The everlasting Father. There I said it. PLEASE don't leave me. Don't let me down from your safety. Please don't leave. Help me to soften my hard heart and continue to be ever so gentle with this surgery.
I am going to assume the healing has begun. It won't be an easy journey. It won't be painless. HOW am I going to get through this!!!
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