A rant... a little personal...

Lately I have been in a whirlwind of emotions. I have gone from happy to just wanting to punch something. I don't think it has entirely to do with the pregnancy either.

Have had some stuff on my mind lately. Not too sure exactly what it is yet, I still need to figure that out.
I was driving home last night and I was just going over my day.
I had gone for a walk at a river and accidentally dropped my cell phone into the water. I stood there looking down for a minute. Said a few choice words, well actually one over and over. Then I was like, why aren't I picking it up? I bent down and grabbed it. As I turned around to go to the shore I slipped and smashed my hand that was holding the phone. Hurt the pinky finger but the phone was ok.
I slumped myself down onto a rock and wanted to cry. Over a phone? How pathetic. I never did cry. I fought it all the way. Maybe things are building up and that was just enough for me to want to go ahead and open the floodgate. For some reason I couldn't let it go. I was so mad at myself. (I did come home and saw that Phil had totally dried it out and it seems to work fine. Thanks Phil.)

I've noticed that when I am mad at myself I run myself down. Call myself an idiot, a loser and so on. A bad habit of mine. I guess it becomes like a defense mechanism. If I do it then the other people don't get a chance to. I beat them to it. It hurts when I do it but it hurts more when others do it to me. This is something that I really need to stop. I don't need this child to do the same thing.
Even when I am in the company of people that I know won't call me names like that I still do it. On the way home I was talking to God. Thanking Him for people in my life that listen to me and support me because they love me. No strings attached. I feel bad sometimes for going on but it is ok cause they are willing to listen. Reminds me of God. Always there, not judging providing a ear for me to spill things out to. And it is ok. Loving me for who I am not for what I do. I was thanking God for being that way and for giving me wonderful people in my life that are the same. That are there for me and willing to go through the muck and the mud. The dirt and the grime. In tears I drove home just talking to Him. Praying to Him. Thanking Him.
I am so blessed and am so thankful.

Well, this got long and it is my rant for the day. Probably for a couple of days. I need to work things out. Things I am not even sure how to start working on. Feeling alone and frustrated but knowing that I have someone there all the time. If not for me then for my child. I need to be stronger. I need to be a good example. Thankful I have examples of what not to do and wonderful examples of what to do in my life.