Cancer

That is a word that makes my skin crawl. It always has. I know that there are a few of you out there that saw that title and put up a wall and didn't want to read any further. I am one of those people. Cancer scares the crap out of me. I am a selfish person when I hear that someone has cancer cause I GET SCARED!! It's not about me. What about the person who has cancer? I bet they are scared out of their minds. I put up a wall. I decide that I can't and won't talk about it but there is a part of me that wants to reach out and be with those people. To help pray and be there. But I can't do it. The only thing I can do is pray.
I lost a friend to cancer 8 years ago. It took me 7 to finally accept and allow myself to slowly go through the grieving process. I know, this must sound pretty darn pathetic and selfish. I just couldn't do it. Everytime I thought about it I would remember his last breath. I would remember him looking at me. Every time. It never gets easier. His parents amaze me. They are so strong. I know that he is healed and in Heaven but I still have regrets and fears.
A friend of mine has cancer. They are very brave. They asked for God's strength. Not for a devine intervention to occur but for His strength. For His will to be done. Wow. I would be begging God to take it away. Stop it in it's tracks and I would be begging people to pray the same. This person is so unbelievable. SO strong and I can really learn a lot from them. They have total faith and trust in God and it blows me away. Yet here I am being pathetic and scared. I want to be there for them but don't want to have to go through it again. But God gave us friends to support us. This friend has a huge faith in God. Has trust in Him. Amazing. Even in the darkness of their life they still have the total reliance on Him. For His will to be done.
I am sorry that I am selfish and I put up a wall. I just do that. The wall helps me to not think about it. To not remember the pain and hurt. But that is wrong of me. I am not the only one that was hurt from his passing. So many people were.
I just wish that I could have the strength and faith in God that this friend has. I can really learn a lot from them. I pray for them and hold them up in faith but it just feels like I can never meassure up to theirs.
I always believe that Cancer is an evil. I always will. I would never EVER wish it on my worst enemy. Yet those I love and care about get struck down with it. Yet they get back up and continue going. Day by day. Hour by hour. Minute by minute. I pray for healing. I pray for His will to be done but He knows that secretly I just want it to all go away. My friend, you are in my prayers and you amaze me. You are a good example and I thank you. I am sorry that I am so selfish. Forgive me. You are so strong and an inspiration.