Self Image

I have always had low self image. Low self esteem. I just hope that I won't always have it. That I can get out of it. I have a son now that I have to be a good example for. It is just so hard.
I know that God sees me as beautiful and intelligent. Why can't I?
I never want Cooper to feel crappy about himself. Or to feel stupid. Or insignificant. I work hard to make sure he knows how proud I am of him. I tell him all the time. I try so hard with him. But I can't seem to try that hard with myself.
I hate the way I look. I hate the way I feel I look. It doesn't help that I need to loose 40lbs. Doesn't help that I don't FEEL pretty. That I don't feel like a woman. I feel frumpy and gross. I have so many cute clothes that just don't fit.
Don't get me wrong. I wouldn't trade my life for anything. I just wish that I was able to not be so hard on myself. It is easy for someone to say, well just don't do it or do this or that but it is not so easy for me to follow through with it.
I don't feel attractive. I don't feel like being out and about. I have no one to impress so why bother.
I have things right now that I am trying to ignore and not stress about so this seemingly trivial thing to some seems like a huge boulder to me. I can't seem to shake it. Not feeling my worth really.
My husband loves me and my son loves me. Why? Can't be because of my looks. At least that is what goes through my head. Also, Why would God love me looking like this?
I HATE that these are thoughts I have. Old tapes that need to be erased and thrown out the window to never be played back again. Once again, easier said then done.
Being laughed at, made fun of and picked on all my life has helped to bring me to this point of how I feel. I hate bullies. It really isn't fair. Bullies can be a school kid, family or authorities. It doesn't matter.
Did you know it takes SEVEN good things to right the feeling of ONE bad or hurtful thing said? Ouch.
How many sets of seven do I need to say to myself? I find it extremely hard to compliment myself or to even accept compliments. Oh well, I guess such is life. I just need to fix that part of it. For my sake. For my sons sake. For my sake. Not gonna be an easy task. Yet I sit here asking myself if it is one I will be willing to take on.
I guess only time will tell.