I find myself getting envious over the littlest things lately.
Old pictures of myself. Not doing enough mom like stuff. Not sewing enough. Not doing this or doing that....
this is SO NOT what God would want. He would want me to be happy where I am and with who I am. I feel stressed over finances. I have been praying over and over to let that stress leave me but am now wondering if maybe I am praying for it but not actually letting it go. Know what I mean?
I had a tremendous weekend. I don't want this day to day life crap to get me down. We talked about this before the retreat ended. How it would be hard to get back to our day to day life full of stresses. The retreat was nice cause you were surrounded with Christians. My life consists of mostly Christian friends and those that are not, does not mean I love them any less.
So now to turn on a dime.....
let's be thankful for what I have. I may miss stuff here but it is worth a shot...
An awesome God that gave His only son for ME. although I am not worthy.
A wonderful husband who provides for us.
A beautiful and healthy smart son.
A roof over my head
A mother in law who is baking me cookies cause I need to take something to moms group
Food in my belly
Sunny day
A car that runs
Healthy
Friends that love me
Warm shower
A working washer and dryer
Inlaws that come over during my stressful time and fix said washer
Cooper having people in his life that love him.
A God that loves my son MORE then I do. (hard to imagine)
Being alive.
Having the Holy Spirit
there. That is good for now. Stop dwelling on the things that are bugging me and focus and pray about the stuff that I am thankful to have. My problem? I am human. My solution? I am God's child and I can lean on Him. Thank you God!!
Thursday, February 28, 2008
Monday, February 25, 2008
What an AMAZING weekend!!!
HOLY SMOKES is all I have to say!! Well I will have more but let's start with that. Pre-warning this is gonna be long!
I will be honest and tell you that I was hesitant from the begining to go to Alpha. I was even more hesitant to go to the retreat as some of you may remember. But I am SO glad that I went. On Friday night I had a breakdown cause I missed Cooper. I cried. I also expected to feel "different" from the moment I walked into the camp. So I was saying to my friends that I was frustrated because I felt no different, besides wanting to cry cause I missed Cooper. I was disappointed that the moment I got there and that night I felt no different.
I was one of those people that didn't expect to come home and be all like "whooooooaaa" (like one of my friends Steve put it) but look at me sitting here typing all giddy like just to explain this.
Saturday morning I still felt no different and was saying that again. Like, what is the deal. I still feel the same. Can anyone say HARD HEART!!! Then we had breakfast. The meals are another post in itself. AMAZING meals!! Near the end of the meal I started to shake. I thought it might have been too much cinnamon spread (lots of sugar). I went outside to take some pictures. The scenery was amazing. The shaking just wasn't stopping. So we went into the meeting room to watch the first of three Nicky Gumble videos that day. I was sitting there and the shaking got worse. Then the head spinning and dizziness. Followed by nausea. I just wanted to go back to bed. So I barely made it through the first video. Then I went to the pastor and asked if I could watch the second video on my free time. He suggested I actually read the book. Then I told him what was going on. He then asked "can we pray for you" I said, not in front of everyone. Then he asked if he could just grab one more person then they could pray for me. I hesitantly said ok. So we went outside with another lady and they put their hands on me and started to pray. While they were praying the shaking got worse as did the dizziness and the wanting to throw up. But then there was something new. The back of my neck was HOT. So I chalked it up to not feeling well and went back up to my bunk and cried cause this was so weird feeling. I was determined to lay down and not come down for the rest of the day. I will miss lunch and the group discussion but it is ok. I was in bed and was NOT coming out. I looked at my watch before I fell asleep and it was 10am.
Then I heard voices, looked at my watch and it was 11:15 so I did fall asleep. Group discussions started at 11:30. I battled with whether or not I would go down. But something in me told me to go. So I went down. We sat in our groups and talked about the Holy Spirit. Gina, a friend of mine in the group, told me that I looked different that my eyes had a shine and a light to them. I was like, whoa! Cool.
Then later that day we watched video number three. Nicky talked about how some people when they receive the Holy Spirit get all warm or hot in areas. A little light went on! I received the Holy Spirit! I was having a spiritual battle. I went up to the cabin and on the way back down looked around and saw no one so I did a little skip and jump. LOL. I was sharing with my group and they said that they did notice a difference. I think that Gina has a gift to notice the Holy Spirit or something. Cause she was mainly the one to see it then even noticed it more in two other members. Our group was really touched by God this weekend. I was happy and giddy again. I felt lighter. I missed it.
That night I got up and shared my testimony. That was REALLY hard but I am glad I did it. The next day during communion I ended up breaking down and I could only say "I am sorry God. I am sorry. Forgive me." It was my fault I walked away from God. I don't want to do it again. This needs to be the start of something new.
Now, if you read this far thank you. Here is a special treat. A picture from Saturday morning. The day my life changed yet again!!
Saturday morning:
My group. Had some with me in it but I didn't like it. LOL. So....can you guess who the one is that kept us laughing? ;)
I will be honest and tell you that I was hesitant from the begining to go to Alpha. I was even more hesitant to go to the retreat as some of you may remember. But I am SO glad that I went. On Friday night I had a breakdown cause I missed Cooper. I cried. I also expected to feel "different" from the moment I walked into the camp. So I was saying to my friends that I was frustrated because I felt no different, besides wanting to cry cause I missed Cooper. I was disappointed that the moment I got there and that night I felt no different.
I was one of those people that didn't expect to come home and be all like "whooooooaaa" (like one of my friends Steve put it) but look at me sitting here typing all giddy like just to explain this.
Saturday morning I still felt no different and was saying that again. Like, what is the deal. I still feel the same. Can anyone say HARD HEART!!! Then we had breakfast. The meals are another post in itself. AMAZING meals!! Near the end of the meal I started to shake. I thought it might have been too much cinnamon spread (lots of sugar). I went outside to take some pictures. The scenery was amazing. The shaking just wasn't stopping. So we went into the meeting room to watch the first of three Nicky Gumble videos that day. I was sitting there and the shaking got worse. Then the head spinning and dizziness. Followed by nausea. I just wanted to go back to bed. So I barely made it through the first video. Then I went to the pastor and asked if I could watch the second video on my free time. He suggested I actually read the book. Then I told him what was going on. He then asked "can we pray for you" I said, not in front of everyone. Then he asked if he could just grab one more person then they could pray for me. I hesitantly said ok. So we went outside with another lady and they put their hands on me and started to pray. While they were praying the shaking got worse as did the dizziness and the wanting to throw up. But then there was something new. The back of my neck was HOT. So I chalked it up to not feeling well and went back up to my bunk and cried cause this was so weird feeling. I was determined to lay down and not come down for the rest of the day. I will miss lunch and the group discussion but it is ok. I was in bed and was NOT coming out. I looked at my watch before I fell asleep and it was 10am.
Then I heard voices, looked at my watch and it was 11:15 so I did fall asleep. Group discussions started at 11:30. I battled with whether or not I would go down. But something in me told me to go. So I went down. We sat in our groups and talked about the Holy Spirit. Gina, a friend of mine in the group, told me that I looked different that my eyes had a shine and a light to them. I was like, whoa! Cool.
Then later that day we watched video number three. Nicky talked about how some people when they receive the Holy Spirit get all warm or hot in areas. A little light went on! I received the Holy Spirit! I was having a spiritual battle. I went up to the cabin and on the way back down looked around and saw no one so I did a little skip and jump. LOL. I was sharing with my group and they said that they did notice a difference. I think that Gina has a gift to notice the Holy Spirit or something. Cause she was mainly the one to see it then even noticed it more in two other members. Our group was really touched by God this weekend. I was happy and giddy again. I felt lighter. I missed it.
That night I got up and shared my testimony. That was REALLY hard but I am glad I did it. The next day during communion I ended up breaking down and I could only say "I am sorry God. I am sorry. Forgive me." It was my fault I walked away from God. I don't want to do it again. This needs to be the start of something new.
Now, if you read this far thank you. Here is a special treat. A picture from Saturday morning. The day my life changed yet again!!
Saturday morning:
My group. Had some with me in it but I didn't like it. LOL. So....can you guess who the one is that kept us laughing? ;)
Thursday, February 21, 2008
well I am off
tomorrow morning that is.....
I am actually looking forward to this retreat. I am worried about how I will do away from Cooper but I totally trust Phil.
Phil is going to get my washer put in. My other one broke last week so I have been without a washer. NOT FUN!! There was some juggling around to do for people to watch Cooper cause it turned out Phil works on Sunday for a bit. But my neighbours agreed to watch him. SO SWEET!!
I am looking forward to reconnecting with God. I am looking forward to not getting up at 6:30, watch I will anyway cause it is so routine. I am looking forward to taking pics. I have enjoyed the alpha program thus far. I am glad I didn't quit. I am out of my comfort zone. There were 6 other people there from my church at my one table so I felt ok with it. I at least knew people. All 6 dropped out. So I am by myself. That knocked down one whole side of the table. But I decided to stick with it and that I had to do it for me rather then being there cause I knew people. Most importantly I had to do it for God.
So if I could ask for a little prayer for my family that would be awesome. Here goes nothing......Stepping out of my comfy box.....
I am actually looking forward to this retreat. I am worried about how I will do away from Cooper but I totally trust Phil.
Phil is going to get my washer put in. My other one broke last week so I have been without a washer. NOT FUN!! There was some juggling around to do for people to watch Cooper cause it turned out Phil works on Sunday for a bit. But my neighbours agreed to watch him. SO SWEET!!
I am looking forward to reconnecting with God. I am looking forward to not getting up at 6:30, watch I will anyway cause it is so routine. I am looking forward to taking pics. I have enjoyed the alpha program thus far. I am glad I didn't quit. I am out of my comfort zone. There were 6 other people there from my church at my one table so I felt ok with it. I at least knew people. All 6 dropped out. So I am by myself. That knocked down one whole side of the table. But I decided to stick with it and that I had to do it for me rather then being there cause I knew people. Most importantly I had to do it for God.
So if I could ask for a little prayer for my family that would be awesome. Here goes nothing......Stepping out of my comfy box.....
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
He said his name!!
He did it! Cooper said his name! Phil and I were jumping up and down cause we have been looking forward to this for so long. He said it very clear too! Guess our reaction was a little pathetic. LOL
Friday, February 15, 2008
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
Niiiiiiice!!!
My washing machine just broke. Complete with a load of diapers in it. I have 10 diapers to get me through the next ten nights. Sure it happens to be one of the THREE things we own in this darn apartment. Plus I am trying to vacuum but Cooper and the other boy keep dumping toys everywhere. I pick those ones up and they dump out more in another area. My shoulder is killing me from wringing out the diapers then emptying the washing machine of water. It would not even spin to empty the water. Sigh....I asked Phil if God thought this was funny then I took it back cause I know bad things don't come from God. sigh......
Thursday, February 07, 2008
The Alpha Course
I am attending the Alpha course at a local church named Northview. It is Wednesday nights. Last night I only knew the people in my group, no one from my church was at the table and I felt rather alone. One of the hosts moved over though and sat beside me. She seems pretty nice.
One thing about me that most people will scoff and argue is that I am a shy person. Until you get to know me. I am especially shy when I am in groups where I really don't know anyone.
There is a weekend away retreat coming up. It is apparently the turning point in the course. I am still hesitant on going. For a few reasons.
1) money
2) leaving Cooper for the first time and it being ALL WEEKEND!
3) not knowing anyone
4) Phil works super late Friday night, so who will watch Cooper
now I have been talking to Phil and Sue. Plus the people at the course. I must admit they are ALL making it hard to say NO.
1) it can be paid for by Northview
2) Phil is a great father and I trust him. But can I handle it!
4) one of the ladies told me that she will go for walks with me and hang out with me. That the cabins are unisex. That all the ladies stay in a bunk of like 12 other ladies and the men stay in seperate rooms and bunks. Even if they are married. Plus I could go home if I needed to. But should I take the bus and try to have fun?
5) My mother in law will watch him I am sure of it.
I am just trying to come up with excuses not to go. It really doesn't seem to be working. The host from my group will get back to me to let me know what is going on. I have this week to decide. My gut is flip flopping. Another thing I think about is the opportunity to take some amazing pictures. I always seem to be able to find God in those moments. I don't know what to do. But then again. I seem to be the only one telling myself not to go.
just had to write it out..............
One thing about me that most people will scoff and argue is that I am a shy person. Until you get to know me. I am especially shy when I am in groups where I really don't know anyone.
There is a weekend away retreat coming up. It is apparently the turning point in the course. I am still hesitant on going. For a few reasons.
1) money
2) leaving Cooper for the first time and it being ALL WEEKEND!
3) not knowing anyone
4) Phil works super late Friday night, so who will watch Cooper
now I have been talking to Phil and Sue. Plus the people at the course. I must admit they are ALL making it hard to say NO.
1) it can be paid for by Northview
2) Phil is a great father and I trust him. But can I handle it!
4) one of the ladies told me that she will go for walks with me and hang out with me. That the cabins are unisex. That all the ladies stay in a bunk of like 12 other ladies and the men stay in seperate rooms and bunks. Even if they are married. Plus I could go home if I needed to. But should I take the bus and try to have fun?
5) My mother in law will watch him I am sure of it.
I am just trying to come up with excuses not to go. It really doesn't seem to be working. The host from my group will get back to me to let me know what is going on. I have this week to decide. My gut is flip flopping. Another thing I think about is the opportunity to take some amazing pictures. I always seem to be able to find God in those moments. I don't know what to do. But then again. I seem to be the only one telling myself not to go.
just had to write it out..............
Tuesday, February 05, 2008
Purpose Driven Life quote
"Words kill, words give life; they’re either poison or fruit – you choose. (Proverbs 18:21 MSG)"
Saturday, February 02, 2008
Photography blog
So after much humming and hawing and fiddling with it I think may be happy with my new blog. I have a photography blog. Feel free to check it out here.
Friday, February 01, 2008
blogging
to be honest I haven't really been "up to" blogging lately. But I try to remember to read blogs.
Through Sue I found the pioneer Woman. I must admit she is very funny. I enjoy her play on words and looking at her photography. This woman is amazing at taking photographs. I hope to get that good one day.
As of right now I have a photoblog in the works. I would like to do a website but there are a few reasons I don't do it.
a) I am no where near good enough
b) I am just learning
c) not sure if there would be enough interest
so for now the blog will be the one I am doing. I so badly am trying to learn how to take better photos. Also learning how to use my manual mode on my camera. Yes I do want a DSLR but my camera is a great camera and I have seen many photos that look awesome with a point and shoot. Although my camera is a point in shoot it also has great potential and allows me to work in manual mode.
anyway....getting off the topic.....
what was the topic?
oh yeah....blogs
so I will be trying to get back into reading the blogs I enjoy. I will post my photography blog when I have it more figured out. But I suggest you head over to Pioneer Woman's site. I think you will get a kick out of it as much as I have and be amazed at her work as much as I am. I can not imagine being away from neighbours and stuff but to be honest I think it would be cool to be around horses. To drive cattle. Cool! Happy blogging and enjoy the reading.
Through Sue I found the pioneer Woman. I must admit she is very funny. I enjoy her play on words and looking at her photography. This woman is amazing at taking photographs. I hope to get that good one day.
As of right now I have a photoblog in the works. I would like to do a website but there are a few reasons I don't do it.
a) I am no where near good enough
b) I am just learning
c) not sure if there would be enough interest
so for now the blog will be the one I am doing. I so badly am trying to learn how to take better photos. Also learning how to use my manual mode on my camera. Yes I do want a DSLR but my camera is a great camera and I have seen many photos that look awesome with a point and shoot. Although my camera is a point in shoot it also has great potential and allows me to work in manual mode.
anyway....getting off the topic.....
what was the topic?
oh yeah....blogs
so I will be trying to get back into reading the blogs I enjoy. I will post my photography blog when I have it more figured out. But I suggest you head over to Pioneer Woman's site. I think you will get a kick out of it as much as I have and be amazed at her work as much as I am. I can not imagine being away from neighbours and stuff but to be honest I think it would be cool to be around horses. To drive cattle. Cool! Happy blogging and enjoy the reading.
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