Risk - Part two

Sure every day we take risks. You risk getting in to the car when you go to drive some where. You risk that every night you wake up the next morning. Last night I heard some talk on risk. On taking those risks. That in essence risk = faith. So true.

I am not the type that likes to take risks. Depends upon what it is but I am not one who likes confrontation or new things. Yet usually these "new things" end up being good things. Walking with God is a Risk we choose to take. My heart wants it all soooo bad. Yet I can hear myself standing there arguing.

Risk is faith. Having the faith to do something that scares you or you are not comfortable with is sometimes a hard thing to over come. Last night I took the "risk" of going to this place where I knew no one. I knew OF three people. I was uncomfortable. I was scared. I was feeling alone. I had someone pray with me and tell me that I was welcomed and to allow myself to feel His love and feel His arms wrap around me. At the end we were invited up for prayer if we wanted it. I swear she looked RIGHT AT ME and it pierced through to my heart. Like God was telling me, "baby, get up. Go and ask for prayer. You are safe here."

"But I don't want to. I barely know these women. It is out of my comfort zone. It is stretching me too thin and I really, really don't want to be broken."

"I am stretching you so that you can see that I am here to support you. I am here to guide you and give you the peace that your heart so desperately desires. Stop fighting it and trust me baby. Trust me."

"I am scared."

"I know you are but trust me I am that risk that is worth taking. You will never regret it."

So what did I do? I stood up and went up to talk to them. Just to talk, not to ask for prayer, not to let myself be vulnerable. Not to allow the risk of showing my hurts, my pain, my fears. But GOD allowed it. I felt like a complete moron! I barely know these people. They are going to think I am psycho. They are going to think that I belong in a nut house. They are going to hate me and not want to be near me or around me. All lies from the devil. He is a tricky bugger. Makes it so that you BELIEVE his damn lies and you stay in that comfort zone, you don't let people in. You keep up those walls. You knock yourself down. After all he doesn't want you to get close to God because that will defeat him. He wants you to stay stuck. To not feel like YOU are a risk worth taking.

So I took the risk. Was it worth it? I think it might have been. Although I do find myself sitting wondering if I said the wrong words, if I blubbered like an idiot, if I looked stupid for crying. But what is God doing? Telling me to stop. Telling me that He is PROUD of me for taking that risk. I can't believe it. HE IS PROUD OF ME. Really? Why? I may not get a clear answer there but I think all these steps are a part of my journey. My little bit of hell and struggle. He is the light in this hell, the warmth in this cold room, the arms that carry me when I can not walk anymore.

I am scared. I am very scared. Fear stops me. It always has. Unless it is to protect someone else I am not worth taking that time to protect or to grow. But my heart wants to grow. It wants to take the risk. I know that God is worth it. I am slowly starting to understand that He really does love me. His arms pulled me close last night and held me. His words of kindness engulfed me. He made me to feel safe. I am safe in Him. I just have to step out of my box and take this risk. The risk to love. After all He sent His son as a step of Risk to save us. To save me. To save you. So if God really thinks that I am in fact worth it, then I need to know in my heart that God is worth it.

So I gingerly take the risk. I gingerly take the step. I am looking for the window out. I am wanting and needing healing. I can't go on much more the way I am. It can't get much worse in my heart. So as I sit here today I ask God,
help me to please take the risk that you are worth. Help to guide me. To keep me strong, to allow myself to be weak and vulnerable. To know that You are there. You will protect me. Thank you. Help me because I cannot do it on my own. Thank you for taking a risk on me. It is my turn to return the favor.

Risks are scarey.....fear sucks.....God is worth it. I am worth it. I CAN be free in Him.