I realized something this morning

I used to think I WANTED God to break me. I wanted to be broken to the point where I could ONLY rely on God.

The thing is I think I may be there a little. But do I lean on God? I don't think so. I try but the other thoughts are so much louder. So much easier to believe.

I am thankful though that He is still here. Still trying. Still pursuing...

I have seen Him here and there during these times. I just need to lean on that again rather then letting the darkness tell me lies. So much easier to just say "do it" then to be able to actually DO IT. In the moment.

I have had problems turning to God a bit. I try to pray but I fail at that. Yet God keeps coming through and reminding me that He is still here. No matter how I feel like I can't hear Him or that I can't talk to Him. He is still talking to me.

I am pretty dang sure I am broken. Even if it is partially. I wanted it but now that it is here I am calling myself a liar. I am not so sure I really want it anymore.