It's been a LONG time....

let's just say that lately I have had struggles. I know everyone has. I know my struggles don't amount to what so and so may be going through or they may be worse then the guy next door but that is not the point. The point is not that you have struggles worse or less then the other person. The point is that MY struggles are hard for me. That I have been broken and thrown in to my own little hell.

The past year has been a really hard one for me. I am sure some of you may know or may gather from reading my blog. I just am not ready to go in to full details yet as to what has happened. Just that I was broken and I am hoping to continue the healing God has already started in my heart.

Last night on the way home from a dear friends baby shower I decided to actually listen to the message that was playing on 106.5 Praise FM. Chuck Swindoll was talking on "Unraveling the Mystery of Suffering". Just hearing the title peaked my interest so I decided to listen. Many times my jaw dropped and tears formed because he seemed to know dead on and it was like God was talking to me. Mr. Swindoll was talking on 2 Corinthians chapter 1.

Mr. Swindoll had some great points. I often wondered WHY I was going through what I was going through. Why the loses. Why the other stuff and how I got to where I did. He made a point along these lines.....
"When I climb up out of the grief, the disappointment, and the horror of it all then I get stabilized and wouldn't you know it, someone else goes through a similar experience. I meet them and I am able to understand.
Had I not gone through my loss, my grief, my heartache, my brokenness, I wouldn't have the inner equipment to even understand, say nothing to comfort others."

Wow! If that isn't the truth! That is exactly why I blog what I do. Why I choose to be so real and vulnerable. Why I tell real life people what I have gone through. I just never know if it may help someone or help someone realize that "hey, she went through it or is going through it, maybe I can talk to her." Going through what I have gone through and what I am going through really does allow me to be able to relate to others who may be struggling as well.

He goes on to say, "We suffer so that we may comfort others who go through a similar situation." It is hard to imagine that. The reason I am going through this is because this is where God needs me to be. Then last night just realizing that because of what I have gone through and am going through I can be a comfort to someone else. Someone that may be hurting and broken to the extent I was and am. That I may just be able to help someone else.

I am not writing this for pity or to be acknowledged. I am writing this because last night I came to a realization that God was and is with me in all of this. That if He can use me to help someone else then maybe it was good that it all happened. I haven't yet been able to say thank you but I hope to get there one day. It is still all fresh and new to me and I don't know when I will be able to thank God that this is all happening. I know, this must sound pretty vague and for that I apologize. Just understand I am not ready just yet to share it to the big world of blogging.

When Mr. Swindoll went on to say, "the suffering is of such great intensity that it is designed by God to bring us to the end of our own strength. Without an explanation, without an escape and without strength to go on you find yourself falling before God saying 'help.' 'help me.' 'help me now.' " my jaw hit the floor. That is exactly what happened. I got to the point where I couldn't go on. Although I am not sure if I did drop before God I can look back now and realize that I was in fact crying out for help. All the signs are there. Hindsight. I can see it all. Now. Not then but I can see it now. People were telling me how to go about things and that I needed to reach out for help but I still fought it. I should have listened. I was at the end of my strength. I had nothing left. No where else to turn. Little did I see that God was already offering a way out.

It is at the point where I do realize that "Broken people understand people being broken." I know that I need to keep the faith, I need to keep fighting. That Mr. Swindoll is right when he says, "faith comes when I surrender to the Father and say, 'you take this battle for me'." I am slowly surrendering. I know that I don't have the strength to do this myself. It is God's strength that will help me pull through. "God never wastes tests. They are designed to strengthen the muscle of faith to trust, to cause us to trust Him when the bottom really does drop out."

The bottom has dropped out for me. I realized too that I needed God more then ever. Sometimes when I didn't know what to do I said three simple words, "God help me." Then "God protect me." I didn't have the words or strength to go on but just uttering those simple sentences showed me that God WAS and IS there. That He is rooting for me, fighting for me and pulling me through. I hear His voice more now.

The battle is hell. It has been one hell of a year. I try to see the good of the last year but I can't see it just yet. I know one day though I will look back on it and think "AH! That is why it happened." Just knowing that for now I can be a help to someone else makes the battle a little easier. Just knowing that I was and am loved helped me to pull through a little stronger.

I take things step by step, minute by minute, day by day. I try not to think about a week from now. For now I stop and think about what is going to happen today.

sorry for the mismatched blog. One day it will all make more sense. Right now this is all I have in me.