Measuring Up

Today's service talked about measuring up. The funny thing though is that after someone shared this morning I found myself thinking, "wow. Why can't I be like them?"

Someone this morning shared that they had told complete strangers their testimony and also talked about Jesus. I find that I get to the point where I am afraid to share because I may not be wise enough with what I am saying.
I saw pregnant mommy's and I thought, "hmm. that would be nice."
I saw a very pretty skinny lady and I thought, "Dang. Wish I looked like that."

I was measuring up myself to what others looked like or what I saw about others. Just like with my photography. I start bashing myself thinking that I would never be good enough. That my work doesn't measure up to another photographers. I don't have enough gear. I don't have enough experience under my belt.
I bash myself thinking that I am not thin enough or pretty enough. I wish I looked like so and so. But if I look I have a husband and child who loves me just as I am.
The whole pregnant thing. Well I have a healthy son and that I am grateful for.
The photography...I think it is a gift from God and I want to embrace it fully.

But the service today I felt like I was being talked directly to. I am always measuring myself with others. I don't think I am good enough to be God's child. Not good enough to be loved by Him. Not smart enough to talk about Him. I just will never be what He needs me to be and part of me waits until He just gives up and walks away.

I am not good enough.
I never will be.
Someone told me that that is just the point. It really blows my mind. The pastor today says that on a scale of 0-10 as to whether God loves us or if we are good enough there is no such thing as a 7. You are either a 0 or a 10. I have a hard time with this. So that means that I would be a 10? But really would I be? I believe in Him. I really do yet I struggle.

I went up and took the plunge for prayer. Talked about measuring up and how I felt like it applied to me. I believe the lies from the enemy. In essence I hold fast to the strong holds that the enemy has on me. The lies I have believed all my life. Today the person helped me to pray. She helped guide me as to what I could pray. She did not push me she said she would not make me pray. She said to only do it if I really wanted to break that stronghold. I do. So I prayed. We prayed together. I asked God for help breaking the lies and to believe in the Truth. I cried. I don't like going up because I don't want to cry in front of people. AGAIN the pastor had said if things like wondering if you would measure up or if people would see you get emotional. That is exactly what I think. I am afraid of people seeing me. That I won't be doing things right.

I am sure this blog is all over the place. But I don't measure up. I won't ever measure up. But God doesn't give up on me? Why? I need to believe and hold the faith. I need to have the faith. "I believe, forgive me for my unbelief." I prayed that to God today with the other lady.

Time to realize I will never measure up to my own standards and to stop holding standards that I think other people think of me. It is MY thoughts and MY beliefs. They need to be let go.