Tonight I went to a ladies night with my church. The speaker was talking a lot about faith and trust. That God is walking with us. That He won't leave us and will guide us when we need it most.
Lately I have felt stretched thin a bit. I am grateful for my life but sometimes I just need a break. It is during those times that the darkness sneaks in and seeps in to my heart.
Tonight there was a lot of tears on my end. Tears I have worked very hard at keeping far away. Keeping the mask worn and the tears hidden. I just don't have the time to cry. The time to acknowledge my hurt and fears. I have many fears right now that I am not ready to publicly post and admit. Not just yet.
Tonight I heard loud and clear, "you have a hard heart and you will keep it that way." Something to that effect. I hesitantly asked someone if I could ask them a stupid question. They told me I could ask a question. I asked if that was from God. Or the Enemy or myself. They asked if I thought it was from God and I shrugged my shoulders because I was unsure. Honestly I was unsure. I know rationally that it wouldn't have been from God. But my irrational, louder mind tells me that I am not worthy. I try to believe that God is there and that He won't leave me but it is like the more I believe it the more of a battle it becomes.
My nights have been filled with dreams non-stop. Some disturbing dreams. Some with members from church trying to be supportive and praying over a lot of women. Some dark and full of fear. You know the ones. The ones where they shake you so deeply to the core that you can't forget them. That you see it when your eyes close. That the memory of the dream slips in when least expected. I don't like those dreams and I hope that I do indeed have a restful night tonight.
I know my life is blessed and I am so thankful for that. But do you ever get to the point, as a believer, that you just don't want to battle anymore? I am tired of fighting. Afraid of slipping and falling and having no one to catch me when I fall. Thankfully I know in my heart that God is really truly the only Father I can count on. He won't die on me. He won't leave me alone. He won't cause abuse or anything of the like. I struggle with needing to remember that. I need to try to remember it daily.
It is like the footprints poem. When there was only one set of footprints it was then that God carried me. I so hope that He is carrying me now. Because I feel so weak and like I really can't go on. Like I can't take another step. But I guess I keep trying in faith. Somewhere in my soul I believe. I beg that He forgives my unbelief. We all have good days and bad days. These are bad days as of late but thankfully God is good. I know it in my heart of hearts.
I am thankful for those that listened to me tonight. For the ladies God sent in to my court. Man the battle is so hard. Please God...don't give up yet...not just yet.
Friday, September 18, 2009
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
My "baby" started preschool today
so today was the first full day of preschool. I can't believe it. Where did the time go?
This picture was from last week, the orientation. Thumbs up ready to go
today all excited now that we were at the school. He was apprehensive this morning though.
his very first first day of school outfit. Daddy picked it out.
He even has his very own cubbie with his name on it!
I want to cry but this is so exciting!!!
This picture was from last week, the orientation. Thumbs up ready to go
today all excited now that we were at the school. He was apprehensive this morning though.
his very first first day of school outfit. Daddy picked it out.
He even has his very own cubbie with his name on it!
I want to cry but this is so exciting!!!
Saturday, September 12, 2009
Thankful
Today I find myself extremely thankful.
I am thankful for where God has me right now at this very moment. I am thankful to be a stay at home mom. Although some days I want to just quit. But really I am proud to be in the position that I am in.
I love being able to stay home and raise my son. To instill Christian beliefs and to help him understand. Nothing makes me more proud when he gets all excited when "Blessed be Your name" comes on the radio. Cooper will yell at the top of his lungs, "Blessed be name Mom! Blessed be name!" Then he will start to dance and even sing along with it. My heart swells with pride knowing that he is my son and is happy to hear such a beautiful song. That he tells me he is singing about God.
There are times where he pushed my buttons, like this morning when he battled with me for 45minutes to eat his breakfast. But he has to learn and I am the one that has been chosen to raise him. That God sees something in me that says, "She is just right for this special little angel". I feel honored.
I feel honored to be at home with him. I feel honored to stand at the sink and do dishes because I know it is making my house a pleasant place to be. That God feels like I am just right for that job. Then there is the job to make Phil's lunch. To make meals etc. I am honored that God chose me.
Yesterday my car broke down. I was on my way to Vancouver from Abbotsford, about a hour and 45 minutes to get there. But before I got on to the freeway I had this feeling that I left my hair straightener on. So I turned around and grumbled about having to go back home. I get home, turn off the car, go upstairs only to see I unplugged it already. So I found myself cursing myself for not remembering.
Then I go back down to the car, lock the front door and get in my car. I go to start it and NOTHING. Turns out that it was my starter. Thankfully Phil's van was home so I used that instead. All the while mad, frustrated and just stressing out. Then on the road again I found myself doing something totally different.
I stopped the bitching and said, "Thank you God". Thank God that it didn't happen IN Vancouver. That it happened at home. Thank God that Phil's van was home. That I had enough money for gas. That we were safe. Thank God that I have a husband that can fix it. Thank God I left earlier then needed as a "just in case".
Although I know I don't act like it sometimes I am very thankful for God and where He has me. I feel honored and priviledged that He thinks I am the one to do what He needs me to do here.
I am thankful for my life. There is also a part of me, although very small still, that is thankful in a weird way for the losses. Because they are showing me that God is here. Thankful that because of them I can relate to someone else who may be going through the same things. Thankful for my mentors who are guiding me and showing me that He is here no matter what.
Most of all I am thankful for a Father that won't leave me.
I am thankful for where God has me right now at this very moment. I am thankful to be a stay at home mom. Although some days I want to just quit. But really I am proud to be in the position that I am in.
I love being able to stay home and raise my son. To instill Christian beliefs and to help him understand. Nothing makes me more proud when he gets all excited when "Blessed be Your name" comes on the radio. Cooper will yell at the top of his lungs, "Blessed be name Mom! Blessed be name!" Then he will start to dance and even sing along with it. My heart swells with pride knowing that he is my son and is happy to hear such a beautiful song. That he tells me he is singing about God.
There are times where he pushed my buttons, like this morning when he battled with me for 45minutes to eat his breakfast. But he has to learn and I am the one that has been chosen to raise him. That God sees something in me that says, "She is just right for this special little angel". I feel honored.
I feel honored to be at home with him. I feel honored to stand at the sink and do dishes because I know it is making my house a pleasant place to be. That God feels like I am just right for that job. Then there is the job to make Phil's lunch. To make meals etc. I am honored that God chose me.
Yesterday my car broke down. I was on my way to Vancouver from Abbotsford, about a hour and 45 minutes to get there. But before I got on to the freeway I had this feeling that I left my hair straightener on. So I turned around and grumbled about having to go back home. I get home, turn off the car, go upstairs only to see I unplugged it already. So I found myself cursing myself for not remembering.
Then I go back down to the car, lock the front door and get in my car. I go to start it and NOTHING. Turns out that it was my starter. Thankfully Phil's van was home so I used that instead. All the while mad, frustrated and just stressing out. Then on the road again I found myself doing something totally different.
I stopped the bitching and said, "Thank you God". Thank God that it didn't happen IN Vancouver. That it happened at home. Thank God that Phil's van was home. That I had enough money for gas. That we were safe. Thank God that I have a husband that can fix it. Thank God I left earlier then needed as a "just in case".
Although I know I don't act like it sometimes I am very thankful for God and where He has me. I feel honored and priviledged that He thinks I am the one to do what He needs me to do here.
I am thankful for my life. There is also a part of me, although very small still, that is thankful in a weird way for the losses. Because they are showing me that God is here. Thankful that because of them I can relate to someone else who may be going through the same things. Thankful for my mentors who are guiding me and showing me that He is here no matter what.
Most of all I am thankful for a Father that won't leave me.
Thursday, September 03, 2009
Update
well a lot has been going on lately. We just moved in to a co-op townhome. We love it. So much more space and Cooper has a bit of a backyard to play in.
I have had so many questions about God lately and have been trying to understand. The person who mentors me has been patient and kind in all of this. God just seems SO big and then I feel like there is so much more to the Christian walk then Faith and Trust. However, I have learned that that is in fact the premise of our walk. To hold on and walk in Faith and Trust of the Father who loves us so deeply.
Although I don't think I will ever understand it all I am amazed. Even though I struggle, I feel angry or hurt and stop talking to God He still chooses to bless me. To bless my family. We have been really blessed this past while and we are so thankful for it.
My inlaws buying a new couch for us for the new place. Getting money here and there. Sometimes annonymously and sometimes from a trusted friend. Friends buying us things for the new place, my wonderful mother in law helping purchase stuff like curtains and toilet paper holders. My excellent father in law making the stair well deep enough to finally fit the queen sized mattress box spring up. A dear friend helping him. A special friend helping me to unpack and move things away. Having so much help packing.
Then the other day we went for our first family walk around the neighbourhood only to find $25. Perfect! Milk money! God once again looking out for us. So even though I struggle and feel like He is not here He still finds me worthy enough to bless. He is taking care of us and He really is here.
So I trust Him with my fertility stuff and will pray it be in His hands. I just have been reminded time and time again how good God is. How He is looking out for us and loves us. That He does in fact have time for me and listens to my prayers even though there are so many other worthy people to be listening to. I am one of those worthy people to Him. I thank God every day.
God is good and patient. I am so thankful and grateful.
I have had so many questions about God lately and have been trying to understand. The person who mentors me has been patient and kind in all of this. God just seems SO big and then I feel like there is so much more to the Christian walk then Faith and Trust. However, I have learned that that is in fact the premise of our walk. To hold on and walk in Faith and Trust of the Father who loves us so deeply.
Although I don't think I will ever understand it all I am amazed. Even though I struggle, I feel angry or hurt and stop talking to God He still chooses to bless me. To bless my family. We have been really blessed this past while and we are so thankful for it.
My inlaws buying a new couch for us for the new place. Getting money here and there. Sometimes annonymously and sometimes from a trusted friend. Friends buying us things for the new place, my wonderful mother in law helping purchase stuff like curtains and toilet paper holders. My excellent father in law making the stair well deep enough to finally fit the queen sized mattress box spring up. A dear friend helping him. A special friend helping me to unpack and move things away. Having so much help packing.
Then the other day we went for our first family walk around the neighbourhood only to find $25. Perfect! Milk money! God once again looking out for us. So even though I struggle and feel like He is not here He still finds me worthy enough to bless. He is taking care of us and He really is here.
So I trust Him with my fertility stuff and will pray it be in His hands. I just have been reminded time and time again how good God is. How He is looking out for us and loves us. That He does in fact have time for me and listens to my prayers even though there are so many other worthy people to be listening to. I am one of those worthy people to Him. I thank God every day.
God is good and patient. I am so thankful and grateful.
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