I wonder

I stand here feeling
the world pass
under my feet
and I wonder.
I feel detached from
who I am becoming
and who I used to be
and I wonder.
I try to reach for
God to understand
who He is and
what He is doing in my life
and I wonder.
I am reaching for
you God and I
want to understand.
I want to have the
undying faith and
I want to be
patient so that you
may reaveal yourself
to me.
Yet I wonder.
God I stand here
waiting, the world
moving and I
no longer want to
wonder.
I want to know
your love and
understand you but
still I wonder.

Barely Treading Water

So, lately I have been looking for a new job. I think that it is time that I step it up a little. Today was not a good day at work and I don't think that I will be there too much longer. If it were my choice I would be out of there by now. The other job I had my 2nd interview at fell through. I used to blame God and think that this is all a big game to him. But lately, through reading other blogs and trying to grow in my faith I have not placed blame. I didn't balme Him when I didn't get the job. I am not blaming Him today as I got in trouble. Today I found myself asking for Him to come to me. "Help me Lord. Help me Jesus, please, to get through this and to find a new job. Anything" Is what I found myself saying. As much as I want to blame someone I know that there is really no one to blame but myself. I need help. I need a new job. I need to heal with my injuries. The most important: I need to know that God has a plan and He will reveal it when the timing is right. I need to trust Him. It is just so darn hard sometimes, specially now.
I just can't seem to stop stupid crying and it is really starting to make me look and feel like an idiot. I hate crying. Not to mention that I am getting a wicked headache from it too. I think that it is time to go and lay down and try to relax. I will end up crying more but maybe it is what I need to do.
I know this all sounds sketchy and trivial to most, if not all, of you but it is something that I am needing to get off my chest. I need help spiritually, physically and mentally and I think that writing all this done for mostly strangers to read might help me to trust God and be patient. I need to keep praying but sometimes it feels like that is not enough.
So I am barely treading water at work and it scares the living crap out of me. I need to hang on though and start making steps to help myself. Smarten up!!! that's what I need to do. Sorry if I sound selfish, I am not meaning to be. I just don't know what to do anymore.
God help me to understand. God help me to heal. God help me to have faith. God help me.
"I want to see your face, shinning in it's glory, as we sing Holy, Holy, Holy"

Noah's Arc

I got this email the other day and thought that I would share it with you. I thought it was cute and I got a good chuckle out of some of the points and some of the others made me think. I hope you enjoy it as well.

Everything I need to know, I learned from Noah's Ark.
ONE: Don't miss the boat.
TWO: Remember that we are all in the same boat.
THREE: Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the Ark.
FOUR: Stay fit. When you're 60 years old, someone may ask you to do something really big.
FIVE: Don't listen to critics; just get on with the job that needs to be done.
SIX: Build your future on high ground.
SEVEN: For safety's sake, travel in pairs.
EIGHT: Speed isn't always an advantage. The snails were on board with the cheetahs.
NINE: When you're stressed, float awhile.
TEN: Remember, the Ark was built by amateurs; the Titanic by professionals.
ELEVEN: No matter the storm, when you are with God, there's always a rainbow waiting.

Not so Deep Thought

"Just when you make ends meet they move the ends."
Z95.3FM - not so deep thought

Superstitions

Sure everyone has superstitions of some sort, knocking on wood, crossing their fingers, or anything else that you could think of. I used to also. Until I saw Touched by an Angel a week ago Sunday. It was a pretty touching episode, most of them are. One of the guests this week was actually diagnosed with Lukemia and she was dying. Monica, one of the main "angels" was telling her something along the following lines. I am not sure if I will get it word for word, actually I know I won't get it word for word but you will get the point.
Monica was telling the woman how she finds it interesting that the woman puts her faith into superstitous things like crossing her fingers and knocking on wood, but yet when the time matters, which is now, she doesn't put her faith in the only thing that is true. She needs to put her faith in God because He isn't jsut a gimic and He will help her along this road if only she puts her faith in God like she does with the superstiotions.
(I hope you get what I am saying here.)
I find it funny. Every since that show I have been thinking, what do I put my faith in? I cross my fingers and hope that I may get this new job. I can cross my fingers until I can't feel them anymore yet if it is not God's will to have me at this new job, as hard as it may be for me to accept, it won't happen. This last week I have found myself stepping back and no longer crossing my fingers that I get this job. I do hope that it is God's will that it will happen but I will not get my hopes too high. I don't know what He has in store for me and all the finger crossing and knocking on wood won't change that. I find myself slowly starting to trust God and not put my faith in things that don't exist.
It sure makes one think "What am I putting my faith and trust into? Is it worth my effort or do I need to sit down and think of what faith really is?"

Dreams

I was just trying to post some of the books I read when I thought I should write about a dream I had.
Last weekend I had a nap - yes I still have those!! For some reason I had a dream where the word Dueteronomy kept playing over and over in my head. When I woke up I still had the book swimming in my brain. Am I supposed to read it? Is this a sign? I haven't read all the bible - far from it and have never heard of Dueteronomy before. So I started to read. I am only into Dueteronomy 5 and so far still am wondering why or how it pertains to me and what I am going through. I will keep reading it though. All the while wondering if it is a sign.

Running

So, last night I went out for a run. It has been at least a year or more since I last ran. It all started last Wednesday. I was in the bath after a rough day and I just couldn't seem to relax. So I got out and told my husband that I was going to go for a run. Just like that, I did some stretches and left. Knowing full well that I would regret it. I knew that not only would my shoulder ache more than it has been but that my hip would suffer the consequenses too. I didn't care. I was breaking down and I had no where to turn. So I ran. I was so very sore, but knowing that I would still be going to physio I would be fine. I was able to run away my problems. I didn't get to go to physio, and boy do I feel it. So what did I do yesterday? Yep - went for a run. I can only take so much pain before I want to just crawl into a hole and not talk to anyone and just be in my own little world. So, instead of letting that part of me win and pitty rule who I am I started to run. I guess it is kinda like what Forrest Gump did??? Sure it doesn't make sense. I am in pain - so lets put myself through more to jsut get my mind off of it?? I know I am crazy. Unless my physiotherapist tells me that I probably shouldn't be running I may keep doing it. I try to pin my arm against me when it gets too sore. It is better for me to just get up and run rather than breaking down in tears and wanting to throw things and get frustrated.
When I run it is just me, my music and God. Sure there are cars passing by but I don't care. I am one on one with God.
Last night I left the house about 7:30 and to my shock when I stepped out the doors it was snowing. I love the snow so I was in my element. It was so darn cold but beautiful. I started to run. The snow stung my eyes and numbed my face but I didn't care. It took me 37 minutes to do my run. I thought that it wasn' too bad considering that it was only my second time out in a year or so. I have to figure out how long of a run it was distance wise but I am thinking that it is maybe a little over 5Kms. I could barely put pressure on my hip and it hurt to walk today but keep it moving and it will be fine. The shoulder is another story. Don't want to move it at all and everytime I do move it, because if I don't it could get worse or even lock up, it hurts pretty darn good. My arm goes numb as well. I know, I should be used to it by now, (it has been about 6 months or so since my accident) but it is so hard to accept that I may have this for a long time just because someone didn't look over their shoulder when they were backing up. Oh well what can you do?
Anyway........ The snow was great and it made everything seem so much more quiet and peaceful. It even made me feel that much closer to God. It almost feels like everytime I go for this agonizing, but needed, run I get that much closer to God and I really start to understand a little more each time that things will all happen in His timing and that it will all work out. Maybe, just maybe He has a reason why my injury is taking so long to heal. Patience is a vertue (sp?) right?

Ice Storm

We had a little bit of freezing rain last night. My husband and I took a walk in it this morning and it was beautiful. Here are some pictures. (I hope)

Tree and someones fence 

Monkey bars 

Mustard...

I got this cute email earlier this week. Hope you find it as funny as I did.

I LOVE MUSTARD
If you have children, you can relate.. If you don't have children, this is what it's like!
As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection:
A thick slab of ham, a fresh bun, crisp lettuce,
and plenty of expensive, light brown, gourmet mustard.
The corners of my jaw aching in anticipation,
I carried it to the table in our backyard, picked it up with both hands but was stopped by my wife suddenly at my side.
"Hold Johnny (our six-week-old son) while I get my sandwich," she said.
I had him balanced between my left elbow and shoulder and was reaching again for the ham sandwich when I noticed a streak of mustard on my fingers.
I love mustard.
I had no napkin.
I licked it off.
It was not mustard.
No man ever put a baby down faster.
It was the first and only time I have sprinted with my tongue protruding.
With a washcloth in each hand, I did the sort of routine shoeshine boys do, only I did it on my tongue.
Later (after she stopped crying--from laughing so hard) my wife said, "Now you know why they call that mustard.... "Poupon."

The wonderful world of babies.........

Can Anyone Help??

I know I probably shouldn't be doing this, but I don't know what I can do anymore. I need help finding a new job. Petty I know. But not to me. I am at my wits end at my current job. I search the papers everyday and I pray. These things take time though, I know. I just don't know what else to do. Anything in Mission, Abbotsford, Langley or possibly even Chilliwack.
Like I said, petty to some people but not to me. I need out asap and this is one of the things that I can think of to try and get me out. Thank you .

Let it Snow

Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow. I love the snow and I feel like a little kid. I want to go skiing this year but my husband has a good point ( he usually does). The last thing I need to do right now is fall and permenatly mess up my shoulder and actually end up needing surgery. So that is another ski season cancelled for me. Darn car accident!!!

The Waiting Game

I finally have an opportunity to get on with my life but now I must just sit here and wait. I had a second interview today and the situation and the company feel so right. I am nervous to blog about it because I don't want to "jinx" it but if it is meant to happen it will right? I am praying that this is what He wants and that this will work out. God forgive me for I know that in the deep pit of my being I will want to blame Him if it doesn't work, but I know I shouldn't. It wouldn't work because it is not the right timing, not just because He wants to toy with me. God Forgive Me. So I feel that I got along great with the boss' and everything seems to fit. I know I am rambling. I have to wait a couple of more days and they said that they would let me know either way. Please let it be that I got the job. I just need someone out there to give me a chance and they would not regret it. I just needed to write. I keep praying but wonder if I am "bugging" God with the same reguest over and over. I make a promise right here and now. If I don't get the job I will not place any blame on Him or anyone else. I am down to one of the final two out of fourteen - so that is not bad. I won't promise that I won't be upset because I know I will be. Just I won't be upset with anyone because this is who I am and they would not regret hiring me. I am trying so hard not to get my hopes up but it is hard at the same time.
God thank you for this opportunity and please let this be what you want for me.
So now I wait.........

SNOW!!!

I know, I know. It started yesterday but I have just gotten the opportunity to write now. I absolutely love the snow, every aspect of it. I am actually disappointed that I can't go out and play in it because I have no one to play with. I was driving home last night from Aldergrove out to Abbotsford. It was pretty scarey at some spots but I came out just fine. As much as I complain about my car and how I want a new one I sure do love it. My car is like a tank, a front wheel drive machine, in the snow. She just plows right through it all. Never had a single problem. Just before heading onto the freeway at 232nd street we hit the white out. It was crazy!!! I was going way under the speed limit and I was worried that I would piss people off then I decided I didn't care. I wouldn't end up in the ditch. I ended up being a part of a convoy. We were all doing only about 40km and could barely see the car in front of us. We all had our hazards on out of respect for passing motorists. To my surprise we were joined rather than passed. Then when we hit the rest stop and a little further on the snow let up a bit and we were able to go our seperate ways. It was cool to see so many people take it slow. Funny thing is (not funny haha, funny quere) that all the vehicles that I have passed that were in the ditch on their sides were SUV's. Just because you may drive a SUV doesn't mean that the conditions are any more favorable for you than the next guy. There was actually a pretty good article in the Province today about drivers. I just can't get the story because I am not a subscriber.
I love the snow!!!
People at work think about me now when it starts snowing. One of the girls has a place up North and she was actually going to bring snow back for me but forgot. She was worried about packing everything up that she needed to bring home. I thought it was a nice gester though.
Bring on the snow! Careful out there, there is more to come.

Who we are

I was just reading James' blog and I am still surprised as to how much we think alike.
Does anyone else ever wonder why they are the way they are? Does it ever bother anyone being the way you are? I have often wondered why I am so darn outgoing in some instances and then quiet and reserved the next. Those of you that know me may be thinking, you quiet - yeah right!! But I actually am and can be when I don't know the situation or the people. There have been a few times that I have actually gotten written up for the fact that I talk loud and too much. I get so upset because how am I supposed to change who I am? Am I supposed to become the robot they so badly want me to be. Am I supposed to not try to cheer people up that need it? On one hand I get in trouble for talking then on the other hand I get a Christmas card from a co-worker that helps me to realize why I am the way I am. I got thanked for always being able to know when they needed a laugh and somehow being able to make them do so. That makes it so worth while to me. People who know me know that is the way I am. Trying to make others laugh and then when I am down and upset they know and they try to make me laugh. So what goes around truly does come around.
God made me they way I am for a reason. I can't tell you exactly what reason because only He knows why. However, I know that I WILL NOT change for anyone, even if it means loosing my job. I will mellow it out but no one can change me no matter how hard they try. Including myself. I will not be a robot and a shell of myself for no one.
So who are you? Why are you made the way you are? Only God knows the reall reson. But that is just it God knows and He did it for His own reasons.