Isolation

I am really bad at it myself. I get hurt and that is it, I just want to isolate from the world and from everyone. My trust gets altered and I feel like nothing can be trusted anymore. I realize how fast things can be stopped, how fast a friendship can be ended.
Quite frankly it scares me and makes me worry that I am at fault. Then I get scared and start to worry more and more about my friends just leaving. Just giving up on me. So instead of allowing myself to get hurt I just isolate myself cause then that way I won't be hurt.
This is so wrong in thinking. I need to trust and keep going. The wall around me feels so safe and secure. So lonely. I love my friends and my family but there are times when I just want to hide from everything. However I keep plugging away. Unfortunately I may push people away that I love. So who's fault would it be for the isolation? Mine and only mine. I have to be stronger and make the effort to not allow myself to isolate. It is hard though.
I will chuckle when talking about something that is bothering me. That is my safety. That way if you see me laugh then you don't know how much I am hurting inside. YOu can't see the tears.
All of this thinking is wrong on so many levels. I need to be the one to correct it. I need to be open to people's ideas and suggestions. I hear them but sometimes I just get scared. oh well I am sure this isn't making sense.
my point? isolating sucks. I really need to work on it. The things that are always so hard to do hurt the most. I am grateful for my friends and family. They love me. The won't abandon. Time for me to stop doing it to them. I am sorry for anyone I push away. Thank you for bearing with me and continuing to love me. All I can do is pray. I feel like I have lost that too. Why is it so easy to push away then it is to come back.