More from The Shack -pg.136

Sarayu is God's Holy Spirit.

Sarayu is talking to Mack here....

" 'Mackenzie, evil is a word we use to describe the absence of Good, just as we use the word darkness to describe the absence of Light or death to describe the absence of Life. Both evil and darkenss can only be understood in relation to Light and Good; they do not have any actual existence. I am Light and I am Good. I am Love and there is no darkness in me. Light and Good actually exist. So, removing yourself from me will plunge you into darkness. Declaring independence will result in evil because apart from me, you can only draw upon yourself. That is death because you have separated yourself from me: Life.' "


The last three sentences are kind of what really got me but I included the whole paragraph so you can see where it was coming from.
'So removing yourself from me will plunge you into darkness.' - well dang that explains why I feel detached and alone from God. Because I removed myself from HIM. I blamed HIM, I was angry at HIM, I decided I didn't need HIM and that He really wasn't all that perfect. I was in darkness, I was alone but it was MY FAULT. He was really there all along and still is and now that I have been trying to bring myself back into Him, I think I can see the light.

'Declaring independence will result in evil because apart from me, you can only draw upon yourself.' - another well dang moment. That is so true. I didn't have anywhere else to turn. I had felt lost and alone and in my times of this darkness I only felt I could trust myself and what I can do for me. Wow. I was wrong. Soooo thankful for those that have cared for and about me and loved me through all these things.

'That is death because you have separated yourself from me: Life'. Yep I sure did. I felt like I had died inside. WHY?? Because I put up a wall around myself so that He could not penetrate it. When in actuality who was I kidding. He knocks and waits for me to answer. Thank you Lord!

I don't think being a Christian is always going to feel like being on top of the mountain. I think we are like any human and will have ups and downs. I don't think we are invincible but when we have those downs where do we turn? To God? To friends? To family? To loved ones? To ourselves? And who is going to have the answers to the questions we ask? Only God. God working through loved ones. God working through those that care.
I couldn't hear, feel or see God. Right at this moment I think I realize that it was not because He wasn't there. It was because I wasn't there. I was dead because I had separated myself from Life.

I am sure I make no sense but there is a huge part of me that feels happy because I know in my heart of hearts that He is holding me. That my life is worthy, that He knows what is in store. The good, the bad, the ugly and the beautiful. Although I may not understand and my garden may look a mess, He takes pride in it. In me. I am worthy of Him. He is there. Time to let that sink in fully.....

baby steps I guess.