Decisions

decisions can be tough to make sometimes.

I am right now in the process of fighting off a rash decision.

Year and a half of trying for another child is bugging me a bit. I have ALL of Cooper's baby clothes, toys, bassinet, high chair etc. I have kept everything. I even moved Cooper out of the crib as a toddler bed in to a big bed. So my SUPER NICE crib is not even being used. I have been thinking about taking it and just doing up a double bed for Cooper.

So there is a part of me that just wants to start selling everything. I mean EVERYTHING. The clothes, the tub, the bassinet, stroller, toys, highchair, cloth diapers etc. I just want to get rid of it all.

The thing is WHAT IF we have another baby. I would like to have all that stuff. But I guess there comes a point where I start to wonder if there is a point. It is the bitterness in my heart I think. There is a part of me that thinks that it is just false hope on my part. I just want to get rid of it all. To not even think or remember it as being in storage because it is just a reminder that I can't seem to have another baby.

Then I start feeling guilty for the way I am thinking. Because there are people out there that don't have kids and want them. Then again in comes the selfish feeling. Where is God in all of this? Where is this Father that I can hope in. I want to talk to Him about it but wonder if He is listening.

ok this is a ramble and the decision is to just get rid of everything. But I know that is a rash choice right now. How do I think through this and get through this? I want it gone but then don't want to admit giving up on the hope.