Guarded or Hard?

As I was praying last night I was begging God for forgiveness. I had to show tough love to someone and I felt horrible for it.

A couple weeks ago God told me that He was healing my uterus and my heart. While praying I starting thinking about my heart. Wondering if my heart was hard or just guarded. I asked God but didn't get a definite answer.

If you have followed my blog you will know that I don't tell people I love them very easily. I think in that aspect it is because I guard my heart from being hurt. We have all been hurt in the past and mine has always been by people that "loved" me.

When it comes to God I am afraid to trust. I am afraid to just let it go. I don't understand how he could honestly love me. How He is not going to just abandon me like every one else in my past. The "father" figures that "loved" me.

My dad died a month after I turned five. So he left us alone. I can only imagine how my mom managed. Then at 10 I remember hiding behind bushes at a friends house watching my dad (step dad that gave us the option of calling him dad or by his first name) put his things in the car and back out of the driveway. Never to return home. Then the next man my mom married was abusive towards her. How can I trust that any man would not abandon me. I guess the whole point is that God is not man. He is God.

I am scared to freely love Him. Fear is not of God, I know that. But given the track history I see why I would feel like this. I know a lot of people would say to just let it go. It is a little hard to just let go of all of that.

So back to the idea of my heart. I fear I am being hard. Maybe God is chiseling away at it. But I wonder then that I am not a good Daughter. Part of my mind tells me that I am just being guarded. I really do love God. Yet I am afraid that He has His back to me and is angry at me. That He just is going to give up on me. I have been told that He is "so good" so it makes me question why I can't see that.

I am praying on this. I want a soft heart for God. I want to let my guard down with Him. I am so scared. I know He is the ultimate surgeon. He will heal my heart and body. However, I wonder if it is only when I let my guard down. God forgive me. Please don't leave.

I want THAT

I am guilty of it. You probably are too.

Always wanting, not necessarily needing though. I do it. It makes me ashamed but I do it. Wishing I had that beautiful home. Wanting that house. Wanting more then what I have now. Wanting a new car. Wanting a baby.

See a trend here?? Want, want, want. But God tells me He will provide what I NEED. So I am slowly learning to not lean on what I may want but understanding that God will give me what I need.

I found myself wanting again this weekend. I was talking to a friend and I was just in awe. Listening to the way they talked about God, about how He won't leave me. How He loves me SOOO much. I found myself WANTING what my friend had. Love laced every word they spoke. Just utter awe for our Father. You could hear the amazement in their voice. The truth of the love that they spoke of just ripped right in to my heart. I shook my head in disagreement still believing that I will always mess up and do something wrong in order to piss Him off. To make Him say, "Forget it Baby, you are not worth my time."
Just the way my friend talked made me want what they had. The trust and love just radiating through each word. Smiling while they talked saying how good He is. "Oh Misty, He is SO good, so faithful." Just the trust my friend had.

I WANT that. I came to a realization today that it is ok to want that. It really isn't good to continually want a home like the next person, a nice car, a bigger family. What is important is WANTING more of God. Wanting to ooze the love of God through my speech, my actions, my desires. To be patient and understand that He does love me. My friend reminded me of the way a child talks about their Daddy. How He can do no wrong. How He is the strongest person. Reminded me of how you may talk about your big brother (That you get along with). something like, "MY brother is bigger then you and all of this." My friend showed me this love in just the way they talked about our Father. Our big Brother that took the cross.

I want what my friend has. I want to feel that. I am jealous of that. But I think this might be something that is ok to be jealous of because it is making me want to be a better person. Want to pursue more of Him.

I want what my friend has. I really do. I NEED it.

Respect

Is it just me or does it seem like generations are losing the respect of their elders. to an extent I find it odd that Cooper's preschool goes by first names but sticking "Miss" in front of it.

Call me old fashion but I prefer the last name deal. A lot of people don't like being called by their last name. Because they feel like their grandma. I would rather Cooper call someone by their last name. I am also asking his friends to call me, "Mrs. Wishart". Sure it reminds me of my mother in law but she is a great person so I don't mind. But for me there is also an element of pride that I have taken on that last name.

Some teenagers I see now are rude all together. Walking behind them with a stroller they rush through the door and let it close. They don't say thank you or please. Some kids even cross the street like they own the road. Now I am not saying that ALL teenagers or younger kids are rude or disrespectful. I have come across some VERY polite kids in my church and other surroundings. My friends respect my wishes to be called Mrs. Wishart. It is not an easy name for kids to say.

Growing up I would never DREAM of calling someone by their first name, even with the MR. or Mrs. or Miss. in front. However now that is what people want. I have a friend that was adiment I don't use their last name so to respect her I use Mrs ________.

I think personally it is a matter of respect to put the prefix in front of names. I think it is a matter of authority to the child to use last names. I have seen so many disrespectful people. I have also seen people give me the odd eye when I ask Cooper to say "thank you sir" or miss or ma'am. It just seems like it is not an accepted thing now. I got in trouble if I didn't address someone by their last name when I was a kid.

I just almost feel like as each generation comes and grows the respect for authorities and elders seems to get a little less. Yes it is not ALL of the generation as you see some that are very polite. I remember it was a rare thing to NOT be polite when I was growing up. Now it is rare TO be polite. What is happening with our world? We are losing the respect. It makes me sad.

You know, even though I am now 30 I STILL prefer to call those older then me, like parents or grandparents by their last names. One time I called a wonderful lady by her last name and she looked at me in shock then smiled.

Dedication

I WANT to know more of the bible. I want to be able to put it in to practice and live by it's principles. I want to be able to understand Jesus' love. What Jesus was like. Yet I get overwhelmed. It takes dedication. Dedication that I fear I would fail at.

Sometimes I look at the bible and think "AHHHHH where do I START!" Then I get frustrated and think there is no point because I will never get it all or be able to understand it. I don't know where to start.

Sometimes I feel like Jesus is TOO big and that He just won't ever have the time for me. Sometimes it is like He won't stoop down to love me.

I know that these are all lies. Lies from the enemy. Jesus is love. Jesus will stoop to care for me. I WILL learn the bible. It is just a matter of asking God to help me. To help me to remain dedicated, to understand the word. Asking God for His guidance as to where I need to go in His book. The best book out there. The ONLY important book.

I want to feel His love and understand completely and fully that He does love me. It takes faith and dedication to remember it every moment of the day. It takes faith to believe the bible and His words. I need help to have the faith and to stay strong.

I have been dedicating myself to a Prayer Group on Wednesday's. I just hope and pray that I keep finding people willing to watch Cooper. I am glad I have been invited to join this group. It has taught me a lot. I am silent and watch. I listen. I feel God move. Looking out the window today it was like I could SEE Him on top of the mountain. Watching over all of my hometown. Watching over us as we prayed. Dedicating His time to us.

The day Jesus outstretched those precious arms on the cross was the day He dedicated to love me, to love you. To give His life; sinless, faultless and pure, for ours; sinful, self centered and full of faults. God dedicated Himself to love us even though we don't deserve it. He hurts when we hurt, He laughs when we laugh. He loves us no matter what. THAT is pure dedication to me.

I feel like I owe it to Him to show Him at least a portion of the dedication that He shows to me. How can I dedicate myself? How can I remain true? I just have to ask for His help. I have to believe. I have to not give up. I have to have the faith.

Jesus gave the biggest dedication of all to all of us. Why? Because He loves us. I am told He will never STOP loving us. How cool is that.