Guarded or Hard?

As I was praying last night I was begging God for forgiveness. I had to show tough love to someone and I felt horrible for it.

A couple weeks ago God told me that He was healing my uterus and my heart. While praying I starting thinking about my heart. Wondering if my heart was hard or just guarded. I asked God but didn't get a definite answer.

If you have followed my blog you will know that I don't tell people I love them very easily. I think in that aspect it is because I guard my heart from being hurt. We have all been hurt in the past and mine has always been by people that "loved" me.

When it comes to God I am afraid to trust. I am afraid to just let it go. I don't understand how he could honestly love me. How He is not going to just abandon me like every one else in my past. The "father" figures that "loved" me.

My dad died a month after I turned five. So he left us alone. I can only imagine how my mom managed. Then at 10 I remember hiding behind bushes at a friends house watching my dad (step dad that gave us the option of calling him dad or by his first name) put his things in the car and back out of the driveway. Never to return home. Then the next man my mom married was abusive towards her. How can I trust that any man would not abandon me. I guess the whole point is that God is not man. He is God.

I am scared to freely love Him. Fear is not of God, I know that. But given the track history I see why I would feel like this. I know a lot of people would say to just let it go. It is a little hard to just let go of all of that.

So back to the idea of my heart. I fear I am being hard. Maybe God is chiseling away at it. But I wonder then that I am not a good Daughter. Part of my mind tells me that I am just being guarded. I really do love God. Yet I am afraid that He has His back to me and is angry at me. That He just is going to give up on me. I have been told that He is "so good" so it makes me question why I can't see that.

I am praying on this. I want a soft heart for God. I want to let my guard down with Him. I am so scared. I know He is the ultimate surgeon. He will heal my heart and body. However, I wonder if it is only when I let my guard down. God forgive me. Please don't leave.