Right now I am starting to read the book called "The Father Heart of God" by Floyd McClung Jr.
I read the introduction and was in tears instantly. Boy did that ever frustrate me. My pastor's wife has loaned me the book and she believes that it will help me to understand the Love of God and that He is the ultimate Father. I don't doubt it in my heart that it WILL help. But why am I afraid of it? Afraid of a BOOK!!!
Over and over again I tell myself that fear is not of God. I know for a fact that is a biblical statement. Although I can't quote you the verse right now. I just KNOW that it is in there. It is a common thing said to me as well. I really admire the strength I see in others. The fact that they can just lean on and trust that God is love. That He is a kind and compassionate Father.
With my experiences of "Father's" in my life I don't know how to believe this. Most adults in my life growing up have let me down in some way or another. Been told I was loved but never felt it. It was like it was said because it had to be said in my life.
I have a conference to go to tonight, tomorrow night and Saturday. It is going to talk about the Father heart of God. I am scared. Right now I am trying to think of ways I can get out of it. Trying to think how I can avoid it. How I can run from it. I know this will be hard to go through and I am not sure my heart can handle it. What if I cry? In front of COMPLETE strangers. At least now when I cry in front of people who pray for me they know why. But I am going in to a place of complete strangers.
Last night while praying and talking to God I was crying. I was mad and asked why I am crying why there are so many tears.
God told me, "Because there is so much healing to be done baby."
"Ok Daddy, but I don't want to cry. I am not ready for this. I can't do this. I am so alone in this."
"But you aren't Baby. I am right here. I am sending people in your life to help you in this rocky journey. I am here to dry your tears. To hold you under my wings."
"But I am so weak. I can't do this. I am scared."
"I am here Baby. I am holding you. Trust me."
ok not sure where that came from but it came to me. I WANT to trust God but am afraid to be let down. To be hurt. I am tired of the memories controlling my life. I want "normal" memories. Memories of going to school and riding my first bike etc. I don't want the ones that haunt me now.
I want to trust God. I want to know and understand His heart. I want to believe that He won't leave me and He is the Daddy I have always wanted. That I am Daddy's girl. But I struggle with it. Not understanding. Not knowing what to do. Not knowing where to turn. This is so hard.
So now I sit here thinking about how to get out of tonight. But I think that is the enemy. I am going to do this because I do think it will help. So why is this so damn hard!! sigh....must not run away! Tired of running.
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You know what? It's okay to cry in front of other people. We as Christians are told to mourn with them that mourn and comfort them that stand in need of comfort. If no one ever needs comfort how can we do that? As much as it's easier to be the comforter, sometimes we have to let ourselves be the comforted, so that others can grow as Christians too. :)
You are brave. The fact that you can talk about your fears means that you are facing them. And you obviously do have a lot of healing to do in relation to the concept of "father." I think this will be very good for you. Because He is your Father in a way that mortal man cannot match even if they try (and the men in your life weren't even trying to live up to that sacred model.) Unconditional. That is what His love is for you, and all of us. As scary as that concept can be, think of what you feel for Cooper. Then magnify the patience, love, and understanding by several million. That is what He feels for you, Misty, none of the misunderstandings but all of the joy and love.
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