Wow. so it has been a LONG time since I last wrote. I am not going to make promises to write more because I just never know when I will write.
Today is the day I celebrate 13 years of marriage with my wonderful husband Phil. 13 years ago I made a vow through thick and thin, through sickness and health, until death do us part. I hold strong to those vows. However it is not an easy road.
We have our ups and downs. We are strapped in to this roller coaster ride we call marriage together. Lately there has been a lot of downs. However, I know in my heart of hearts we will get through this down and start to travel back up again. Holding to one another through the ride.
Marriage is not easy. Life is not easy. I do hope we are able to work together to get through things. To get through the ups and the downs together. In the past year we have bought a house. We have moved. We have bought a new car. He was beside me as I did the ride to Conquer Cancer and ended up with hypothermia that he had to drive all the way down to Skagit County in the US from Canada to pick me up as I had to end my ride.
The day of our wedding the shone was shining beautifully. The butterflies were setting in full force as my bridal party and I drove off to get our hair done. The nerves were full force as I tried to memorize my vows. Which I WISH I still remembered. But what I do remember were the simple ones that my husband said to me......Misty you are my buggy and I will always love you. I remember being shocked that it was so short. I remember making people laugh as I said, That's it? I remember struggling to get my own vows out. I don't remember my vows. But I remember his. I remember looking in to those amazing blue eyes that seriously had me sucked in when he first said hello. The first time I met him I remember those eyes. The blue that dig deep in to your soul. The blue that pulled me in to his heart. Looking at them on our wedding day I knew he meant every word of that vow he was saying. Looking in them today I can still see the passion and the love for me.
Like I said, we have our ups and downs but who doesn't. We will work through it. We will start to go back up on this ride again. I am thankful for the ones who have stuck by my side during this time. I am thankful for the advice and the encouragement I have been given by friends. We will get through this and there are going to be so many more years to celebrate.
Happy Anniversary to the love of my life.
Love your buggy.
Monday, September 08, 2014
Tuesday, September 17, 2013
today is a struggle
I have put on weight because of my poor eating choices lately. So my brain is telling me to not eat. That I NEED to not eat. I know it is distorted thinking and wrong but it is so damn loud.
I have done a workout Friday, Saturday, Sunday and Monday. I was thinking of taking the day off today but feel a lot of guilt. Not sure what to do. I hate this part of the journey. But I am sure one day I will look back and never have to deal with it again.
I have done a workout Friday, Saturday, Sunday and Monday. I was thinking of taking the day off today but feel a lot of guilt. Not sure what to do. I hate this part of the journey. But I am sure one day I will look back and never have to deal with it again.
Sunday, September 15, 2013
well today was the day
Did my first 5K run.
The Terry Fox run.
I finished in 31min 15.9sec
I am so proud of myself. Next goal is the Run for the cure. Hoping to get it done in 30 minutes! I am so proud of myself and happy I did it!
Saturday, September 14, 2013
the day before the run
so tomorrow I do the Terry Fox run. It is 5K and it is only a fun run but still WHY am I nervous?
I have a time goal set in my mind. I want to be able to do it in at least 45 minutes. We will see what happens. I have taken the past couple days off of running.
Last night the dreams made me laugh. I was dreaming about riding a street bike. Racing with it. Eventually I would love to get in to running a real race. Riding in a real race.
I kind of feel like the night before Christmas. Restless sleep last night. But off to do spin this morning and weight class. That is one of my favorite combinations. My other favorite combination is when I spin then train after class.
The day starts at 8am tomorrow.
I have a time goal set in my mind. I want to be able to do it in at least 45 minutes. We will see what happens. I have taken the past couple days off of running.
Last night the dreams made me laugh. I was dreaming about riding a street bike. Racing with it. Eventually I would love to get in to running a real race. Riding in a real race.
I kind of feel like the night before Christmas. Restless sleep last night. But off to do spin this morning and weight class. That is one of my favorite combinations. My other favorite combination is when I spin then train after class.
The day starts at 8am tomorrow.
Sunday, September 08, 2013
I need to remember this one
"Hey, you remember that dessert you "shouldn't have eaten last night" or
or that piece of bread "you KNOW will go straight to your thighs" or
that second drink you had, but "you will regret tomorrow"?
Yeah, you remember....NOW forget about it, move on, nothing to see (or dwell on) here.
Don't replay a "not so ideal" eating choice over and over again in your mind.
Don't try to use regret or guilt as motivation.
Don't dwell. Your past is done! The time is NOW! The only food choice that matters, is your next one, the only one you have complete control of.
Remember your long-term health and weight loss goals, think about your way of eating values, and don't bother about damage control.
YOUR purpose and reasons for creating a sustainable way of eating should always be remembered, even in times of "falling off the wagon."
You will NOT self-sabotage your goals and/or values with one poor choice.
You will GROW and become STRONGER from using every choice as an opportunity to become healthier." -- The Cafe Wellness
Yeah, you remember....NOW forget about it, move on, nothing to see (or dwell on) here.
Don't replay a "not so ideal" eating choice over and over again in your mind.
Don't try to use regret or guilt as motivation.
Don't dwell. Your past is done! The time is NOW! The only food choice that matters, is your next one, the only one you have complete control of.
Remember your long-term health and weight loss goals, think about your way of eating values, and don't bother about damage control.
YOUR purpose and reasons for creating a sustainable way of eating should always be remembered, even in times of "falling off the wagon."
You will NOT self-sabotage your goals and/or values with one poor choice.
You will GROW and become STRONGER from using every choice as an opportunity to become healthier." -- The Cafe Wellness
Friday, September 06, 2013
Rest days
So yesterday was my rest day from the gym. But I did my run. The trainer and I have talked about lining up a new goal in regards to my running. She has helped guide me with getting better at running. I am now doing a 5 minute run, one minute walk type thing. Doing a total of 15 minutes. I find that I can run further too when we do that.
I am so thankful for my trainer who knows what she is doing. She is more then just a trainer. She has education in nutrition, muscles etc. She knows what is going on and how to take care of me. She knows how to help me reach my goals and do it the safe way.
this morning is a rough morning as Aurora was up for 3 hours in the middle of the night so I am missing the run. But time to go to the gym and do my thing. I really love the gym. My trainer is amazing and although a lot of people have advice I listen to her.
going away this weekend and kind of bummed that I will not be working out. But there is a gym at the hotel so who knows ;)
I am so thankful for my trainer who knows what she is doing. She is more then just a trainer. She has education in nutrition, muscles etc. She knows what is going on and how to take care of me. She knows how to help me reach my goals and do it the safe way.
this morning is a rough morning as Aurora was up for 3 hours in the middle of the night so I am missing the run. But time to go to the gym and do my thing. I really love the gym. My trainer is amazing and although a lot of people have advice I listen to her.
going away this weekend and kind of bummed that I will not be working out. But there is a gym at the hotel so who knows ;)
Wednesday, September 04, 2013
I am in shock
Today was my weigh in. I went in thinking that I didn't make it as last week I was 195lbs. There was no way I was going to make the 190lb healthy goal weight by the end of the month.
I begrudgingly took my shoes off and stepped up on the scale. Of course I went to the bathroom before doing so as well. Must shed as much weight as possible. I came in at 190.5lbs.
Upon starting the training session my trainer asked me how I was doing and if I have weighed myself recently. I told her yes. She asked me the result. I told her. She was very happy for me. Looking at me she said, "and how do you feel about this?" I looked up at her (we were passing the medicine ball while I was doing situps) and said, I don't think you would really want to know. She told me she did. I told her that the old thought pattern goes through my head. That I failed. That I didn't make it. I failed by half a pound. She looked at me and told me that I needed to try to focus on the fact that I have lost a lot of weight that month and that you can see my toning. I told her she was right. In the back of my mind I tried to push the "failure" out of my mind. I tried to tell myself that I really am doing well.
Once the training session ended we went in for the "Official" weigh in. Are you ready for it.......I came in at 190.0lbs. The real scale that we used told me I reached my goal. I stood there looking at it. She said, "look at what that says, you did it!" then gave me a high five. We talked about my food log, about the goal for next month's weigh in (losing another 5lbs, down to 185lbs) and what body fat percent we wanted to see me at.
Then as we were talking it was sinking in. I kept staring down at that number she wrote. 190.0lbs. 190. 190. 190. it was real. I made the goal. Then it started to sink in and I looked at her with a smile on my face and said, "I really did it." She told me I should be proud of myself. I told her it was a struggle but yes I was proud of myself. I lost the 7lbs in the month. I asked her if that was good and she said it absolutely was.
We are our own worst critics and I find myself being over critical. As I was leaving it was sinking in. I accomplished the monthly goal. I am proud of myself. I did it! Now where is the cheesecake???
went over my measurements taken today. So I was down 7lbs since August 7. I am down a total of 5.5" as well. No going up this time.
Right Biceps: -.5"
Right Thigh: -2"
Chest: -.5"
Belly Button: same
Waist: Same
Hips: -2"
Right calf: -.5"
I begrudgingly took my shoes off and stepped up on the scale. Of course I went to the bathroom before doing so as well. Must shed as much weight as possible. I came in at 190.5lbs.
Upon starting the training session my trainer asked me how I was doing and if I have weighed myself recently. I told her yes. She asked me the result. I told her. She was very happy for me. Looking at me she said, "and how do you feel about this?" I looked up at her (we were passing the medicine ball while I was doing situps) and said, I don't think you would really want to know. She told me she did. I told her that the old thought pattern goes through my head. That I failed. That I didn't make it. I failed by half a pound. She looked at me and told me that I needed to try to focus on the fact that I have lost a lot of weight that month and that you can see my toning. I told her she was right. In the back of my mind I tried to push the "failure" out of my mind. I tried to tell myself that I really am doing well.
Once the training session ended we went in for the "Official" weigh in. Are you ready for it.......I came in at 190.0lbs. The real scale that we used told me I reached my goal. I stood there looking at it. She said, "look at what that says, you did it!" then gave me a high five. We talked about my food log, about the goal for next month's weigh in (losing another 5lbs, down to 185lbs) and what body fat percent we wanted to see me at.
Then as we were talking it was sinking in. I kept staring down at that number she wrote. 190.0lbs. 190. 190. 190. it was real. I made the goal. Then it started to sink in and I looked at her with a smile on my face and said, "I really did it." She told me I should be proud of myself. I told her it was a struggle but yes I was proud of myself. I lost the 7lbs in the month. I asked her if that was good and she said it absolutely was.
We are our own worst critics and I find myself being over critical. As I was leaving it was sinking in. I accomplished the monthly goal. I am proud of myself. I did it! Now where is the cheesecake???
went over my measurements taken today. So I was down 7lbs since August 7. I am down a total of 5.5" as well. No going up this time.
Right Biceps: -.5"
Right Thigh: -2"
Chest: -.5"
Belly Button: same
Waist: Same
Hips: -2"
Right calf: -.5"
Monday, September 02, 2013
It's been a while...........
Wow, it has been a while.
Since January a lot of new things have been happening. I joined the gym in April. This photo from February is me at my heaviest weight of 223lbs. I am 5'9" tall.
all of a sudden I looked at myself and I was repulsed. I don't even know how I let myself get to this stage. My friend Meggin wanted to join a gym. So I went and looked in to it with her. We found Fitwells. That gym has made a complete difference in my life.
I started with not knowing how to use any of the machines. I started by looking like a fool in the classes. After about a month and a half I was paired up with an amazing trainer, whose name I will keep out of here for privacy issues and respect for her. I started working with her once a week. See I have this eating disorder where I don't eat unless I am around other people. It took me a long time to admit that it was an eating disorder. My counsellor was the one to convince me of that and that it is a form of anorexia. I always thought anorexia meant skinny, tiny people. But no. It is having a distorted view on eating. I would eat when I was around others and then not eat when I was alone so I could hide my weight. So I could hide that I was too fat and didn't want to eat. With the work of my trainer I started to eat every two hours.
This is me when I first joined the gym.......
I was 223lbs. This is a takini but I tucked the top up. I had two babies and didn't do anything to lose the weight I had gained. I also was not eating properly.
Once joining the gym I started to lose the weight fast but my brain kept telling me it was not fast enough and I should stop eating as well. But with the guidance and wisdom of my trainer I knew it was not proper thinking and I needed to combat that.
Last month I weighed in at 197.5lbs. That is down 26.5lbs. And I am doing this the healthy way. I weigh in on Wednesday and will post the results then.
The thing is that this is not an easy journey for me. In the beginning I really struggled to get to the gym three times a week. I kept telling myself that it is only 4% of my day. That I can do this. I started with the hour long classes. Then eventually it got to feeling like it was not enough. I moved up to five days a week. 1-2 hours a day. That still felt like it was not enough so I added another day. I was doing six days a week up until this last week.
I started to feel like I couldn't get through my workouts and my trainer advised me that my body was telling me it was too much. So I am going back down to five days a week. The thing is that I have started to run as well in the mornings. The days that I run on I feel SO much more energetic and better. I only do about 2kms right now but am building myself up to 5k. I have signed up for the CIBC run for the cure. Raising funds to help find the cure for breast cancer.
I have also started doing cycling classes at the gym called spin classes. I am addicted. LOVE LOVE spinning. I go three times a week. I also have a desire to do the bike for the cure as well. However, I would need a bike and would need to raise $2500 for the ride. It goes from Vancouver BC, down to Seattle WA. 200miles. How cool would that be!
My very first run is the Terry Fox run this month on the 14th. Going to try to do the 5k portion of it. Going to do my training and just try to get as far as I can the best I can.
This is not an easy journey but I am enjoying the journey to better my health and my body. I want to be sculpted. I want to be fit. I want to be in shape. Just this morning I was able to wear my size 13 clothes. I was a 16, pushing higher, back in April. Some days I don't SEE the difference but then I get confirmations like this. Or my wedding ring spinning on my finger easier. Just the little things. Having people come up to me at the gym and compliment me. I am trying to better myself to be an example for my family. For my children.
This is not easy at all. I struggle daily. This week has been very very poor food wise. I just feel like I can't do it. I just have to keep trying. I think a part of getting fit physically is going to have to include me getting better mentally as well. So that journey will start soon as well.
I am excited for this journey. You are welcome to join me for the ride. But be prewarned. It is not pretty. I do feel like I fail. I do get down on myself but I try to always pick myself back up. Gotta keep taking it day by day and keep pushing through. This will be worth it.
Stay tuned for updates on my runs and on my progress. Weigh in on Wednesday and new pics to come. I am excited! Won't you join me for the ride?
all of a sudden I looked at myself and I was repulsed. I don't even know how I let myself get to this stage. My friend Meggin wanted to join a gym. So I went and looked in to it with her. We found Fitwells. That gym has made a complete difference in my life.
I started with not knowing how to use any of the machines. I started by looking like a fool in the classes. After about a month and a half I was paired up with an amazing trainer, whose name I will keep out of here for privacy issues and respect for her. I started working with her once a week. See I have this eating disorder where I don't eat unless I am around other people. It took me a long time to admit that it was an eating disorder. My counsellor was the one to convince me of that and that it is a form of anorexia. I always thought anorexia meant skinny, tiny people. But no. It is having a distorted view on eating. I would eat when I was around others and then not eat when I was alone so I could hide my weight. So I could hide that I was too fat and didn't want to eat. With the work of my trainer I started to eat every two hours.
This is me when I first joined the gym.......
I was 223lbs. This is a takini but I tucked the top up. I had two babies and didn't do anything to lose the weight I had gained. I also was not eating properly.
Once joining the gym I started to lose the weight fast but my brain kept telling me it was not fast enough and I should stop eating as well. But with the guidance and wisdom of my trainer I knew it was not proper thinking and I needed to combat that.
Last month I weighed in at 197.5lbs. That is down 26.5lbs. And I am doing this the healthy way. I weigh in on Wednesday and will post the results then.
The thing is that this is not an easy journey for me. In the beginning I really struggled to get to the gym three times a week. I kept telling myself that it is only 4% of my day. That I can do this. I started with the hour long classes. Then eventually it got to feeling like it was not enough. I moved up to five days a week. 1-2 hours a day. That still felt like it was not enough so I added another day. I was doing six days a week up until this last week.
I started to feel like I couldn't get through my workouts and my trainer advised me that my body was telling me it was too much. So I am going back down to five days a week. The thing is that I have started to run as well in the mornings. The days that I run on I feel SO much more energetic and better. I only do about 2kms right now but am building myself up to 5k. I have signed up for the CIBC run for the cure. Raising funds to help find the cure for breast cancer.
I have also started doing cycling classes at the gym called spin classes. I am addicted. LOVE LOVE spinning. I go three times a week. I also have a desire to do the bike for the cure as well. However, I would need a bike and would need to raise $2500 for the ride. It goes from Vancouver BC, down to Seattle WA. 200miles. How cool would that be!
My very first run is the Terry Fox run this month on the 14th. Going to try to do the 5k portion of it. Going to do my training and just try to get as far as I can the best I can.
This is not an easy journey but I am enjoying the journey to better my health and my body. I want to be sculpted. I want to be fit. I want to be in shape. Just this morning I was able to wear my size 13 clothes. I was a 16, pushing higher, back in April. Some days I don't SEE the difference but then I get confirmations like this. Or my wedding ring spinning on my finger easier. Just the little things. Having people come up to me at the gym and compliment me. I am trying to better myself to be an example for my family. For my children.
This is not easy at all. I struggle daily. This week has been very very poor food wise. I just feel like I can't do it. I just have to keep trying. I think a part of getting fit physically is going to have to include me getting better mentally as well. So that journey will start soon as well.
I am excited for this journey. You are welcome to join me for the ride. But be prewarned. It is not pretty. I do feel like I fail. I do get down on myself but I try to always pick myself back up. Gotta keep taking it day by day and keep pushing through. This will be worth it.
Stay tuned for updates on my runs and on my progress. Weigh in on Wednesday and new pics to come. I am excited! Won't you join me for the ride?
Saturday, January 05, 2013
Talking with God
So last night I was having a restless time trying to fall asleep. I was trying to pray and was having a very very difficult time. So I just lay there trying to listen. Hearing nothing. I feel so out of touch with God.
Then when I finally fell asleep I had a dream. It included the song "Torn" by Natalie Imbruglia. Now I have not heard that song in a long long time. I know the song is about a guy but it really makes me wonder.
The chorus goes as follows:
"I'm all out of faith, this is how I feel I'm cold and I am shamed lying naked on the floor Illusion never changed into something real I'm wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn You're a little late, I'm already torn"
Now of course this is not all literal but more so hypothetical. Although yes I feel like I am out of faith. I feel torn in so many ways. Torn in my faith, in not finding the right church or hearing the right sermons. Lying naked on the floor, more alone on the floor, cold and exposed to the world. I feel like I don't know who God is anymore. I feel like I have pushed Him away. Now that I am trying to reach out I feel like I am being ripped apart. Needing Him, wanting Him, but not feeling Him. Not hearing Him.
I am going to include the link to the song because my brain can't even put it all together yet. I just feel so torn inside. Maybe God is trying to tell ME something?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VV1XWJN3nJo
full lyrics:
I thought I saw a man brought to life He was warm, he came around like he was dignified He showed me what it was to cry Well you couldn't be that man I adored You don't seem to know, don't seem to care what your heart is for But I don't know him anymore There's nothing where he used to lie My conversation has run dry That's what's going on, nothings fine I'm torn
I'm all out of faith, this is how I feel I'm cold and I am shamed lying naked on the floor Illusion never changed into something real I'm wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn You're a little late, I'm already torn
So I guess the fortune tellers right Should have seen just what was there and not some holy light To crawl beneath my veins and now I don't care, I have no luck, I don't miss it all that much There's just so many things that I can't touch, I'm torn
I'm all out of faith, this is how I feel I'm cold and I am shamed lying naked on the floor Illusion never changed into something real I'm wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn You're a little late, I'm already torn. torn.
There's nothing where he used to lie My inspiration has run dry That's what's going on, nothings right, 'Im torn
I'm all out of faith, this is how I feel I'm cold and I am shamed lying naked on the floor Illusion never changed into something real I'm wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn I'm all out of faith, this is how I feel I'm cold and Im ashamed bound and broken on the floor Youre a little late, I'm already torn
Then when I finally fell asleep I had a dream. It included the song "Torn" by Natalie Imbruglia. Now I have not heard that song in a long long time. I know the song is about a guy but it really makes me wonder.
The chorus goes as follows:
"I'm all out of faith, this is how I feel I'm cold and I am shamed lying naked on the floor Illusion never changed into something real I'm wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn You're a little late, I'm already torn"
Now of course this is not all literal but more so hypothetical. Although yes I feel like I am out of faith. I feel torn in so many ways. Torn in my faith, in not finding the right church or hearing the right sermons. Lying naked on the floor, more alone on the floor, cold and exposed to the world. I feel like I don't know who God is anymore. I feel like I have pushed Him away. Now that I am trying to reach out I feel like I am being ripped apart. Needing Him, wanting Him, but not feeling Him. Not hearing Him.
I am going to include the link to the song because my brain can't even put it all together yet. I just feel so torn inside. Maybe God is trying to tell ME something?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VV1XWJN3nJo
full lyrics:
I thought I saw a man brought to life He was warm, he came around like he was dignified He showed me what it was to cry Well you couldn't be that man I adored You don't seem to know, don't seem to care what your heart is for But I don't know him anymore There's nothing where he used to lie My conversation has run dry That's what's going on, nothings fine I'm torn
I'm all out of faith, this is how I feel I'm cold and I am shamed lying naked on the floor Illusion never changed into something real I'm wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn You're a little late, I'm already torn
So I guess the fortune tellers right Should have seen just what was there and not some holy light To crawl beneath my veins and now I don't care, I have no luck, I don't miss it all that much There's just so many things that I can't touch, I'm torn
I'm all out of faith, this is how I feel I'm cold and I am shamed lying naked on the floor Illusion never changed into something real I'm wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn You're a little late, I'm already torn. torn.
There's nothing where he used to lie My inspiration has run dry That's what's going on, nothings right, 'Im torn
I'm all out of faith, this is how I feel I'm cold and I am shamed lying naked on the floor Illusion never changed into something real I'm wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn I'm all out of faith, this is how I feel I'm cold and Im ashamed bound and broken on the floor Youre a little late, I'm already torn
Thursday, November 15, 2012
Wow. I totally suck at maintaining my blog. I just am feeling so frustrated this morning that I realize I need a place to write things out. There is just so much going on in my head that I am going to break.
Aurora has the chicken pox right now. She threw up a lot last night and is still shaking. I don't know what is going on with her. I am feeling so tired, so down and out.
Cooper is in grade one and loving it.
As for our family we have been trying out a new church. We are attending Maple Ridge Alliance. I am liking it. From the moment we walked in we were made to feel like we had been there for years and like we are old friends. To be honest, when we left my other church it didn't feel like that. We were there for three years.
Cooper is loving the new kids program. He doesn't want us to pick him up as he wants to keep singing and reading. He has been grabbing his bible more and trying to read it. I love when he reads it out loud or sits and reads it to his sister.
Aurora is in LOVE with Daddy and Cooper. She is totally a daddy's girl. Cooper and Aurora play nicely most times. More often then not though I find myself saying, "leave your sister alone!" Aurora has been doing pageants lately as well. Been winning second place each time. We are doing natural pageants, no makeup or glitz type dresses, think Toddlers and Tiara's, complete opposite.
I have been having a rough time the past couple days. Feeling like I have been stretched thin. I am hating my body and been tired. Been trying out a new gym. But can't afford to go right now. So that 5 pounds that I lost is going to come flying back on. Which I think it already has.
Feels good to vent. I need to blog more often. Just about everything. I also did a photo shoot this past weekend of a cute pregnant mommy and daddy. so sweet. Will be posting those pics as soon as I can.
Mario and sock monkey on Halloween
Rory from one of her pageants.
Mario and sock monkey on Halloween
Rory from one of her pageants.
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
Convictions
I have had this blog idea floating around in my mind for quite a long time now. I just have not sat down yet to stop and think of how to put it in to words.
It has been a long time since I have written and even now I am struggling to find just the right words. I just feel like I have been convicted of a couple things. I feel like right now God has been convicting me in the way of the computer and how I spend too much time on here, thus not enough with my family. My children are growing up so fast. Cooper just turned six and Aurora is going to be one on June 25th.
I love facebook. I like being able to follow my friends on there and see what is going on with them in their lives. However, it got to the point where I was cruising facebook all day. I was spending less time with my kids and having less creativity flow. I lost the desire to take photos. Lost the desire to do almost anything. So one day I believe God brought it to my attention. At first when the conviction came upon me I thought it was the computer period. So I cut it out and as you can imagine I failed with flying colors. Then about a week ago it hit me hard that it was FB. I was scanning it although nothing new was happening. I was sitting here stuck on it and following people's lives. I was getting emotional and offended at comments people were leaving for me. Whether they were good or bad.
I had watched the movie "Fireproof" many months ago. That was the first time that God laid something on my heart. I wrote down one of the days that Kurt Cameron read out. I copied it. Pausing it after every few words to write it down. I came up with a blog idea but did not follow it. It was laid on my heart but I did not listen. I successfully failed over and over to let it fully register on my heart.
"Day 23 Watch out for parasites! A parasite is anything that latches onto you or your partner and sucks the life out of your marriage. They're usually in the form of addictions, like gambling, drugs or pornography. They promise pleasure, but grow like a disease and consume more and more of your thoughts, time and money. They steal away your loyalty and heart from those you love. Marriages rarely survive if parasites are present. If you love your wife, you must destroy any addiction that has your heart. If you don't it will destroy you. 'If the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.' John 8:26"
I know what you may be thinking......drugs, gambling and pornography......I don't do any of those. But I AM addicted to FB and the internet. Constantly being on here. Ignoring my husband and my family. Getting frustrated that I can't finish what I am doing. It was consuming more and more of me. Yes, it was not consuming money but it was taking my thoughts and time. I got up and had to search online. I was frustrated if I had to put the kids to bed. Frustrated if I got pulled from the computer for life. Stopped doing dishes, laundry and other household stuff. My house was falling apart around me. So I feel like God has convicted me of this addiction. For me it was and is an addiction. It was always, "one more minute", "I just have to finish this one thing" etc.
It has been a week since stepping back. People still message me and I will respond but I choose to respond with a comment stating, "I have taken a step back from FB for a bit, my email address is ____________ so you can get a hold of me." No more cruising the for sale sites. No more cruising to know what is going on in others lives. Sure I do miss it but I missed my family more. I sit and play with Aurora. I try to clean the house. I am even getting my creativity back again. God gives convictions, He lays them on our hearts and gives us the space to make the decision as to what we choose to do with it. So God here I am.....trying to take steps towards You. In this time I have lost You but I know you are there. You are waiting patiently. So here I am......mold me. Convict me. Guide me.
It has been a long time since I have written and even now I am struggling to find just the right words. I just feel like I have been convicted of a couple things. I feel like right now God has been convicting me in the way of the computer and how I spend too much time on here, thus not enough with my family. My children are growing up so fast. Cooper just turned six and Aurora is going to be one on June 25th.
I love facebook. I like being able to follow my friends on there and see what is going on with them in their lives. However, it got to the point where I was cruising facebook all day. I was spending less time with my kids and having less creativity flow. I lost the desire to take photos. Lost the desire to do almost anything. So one day I believe God brought it to my attention. At first when the conviction came upon me I thought it was the computer period. So I cut it out and as you can imagine I failed with flying colors. Then about a week ago it hit me hard that it was FB. I was scanning it although nothing new was happening. I was sitting here stuck on it and following people's lives. I was getting emotional and offended at comments people were leaving for me. Whether they were good or bad.
I had watched the movie "Fireproof" many months ago. That was the first time that God laid something on my heart. I wrote down one of the days that Kurt Cameron read out. I copied it. Pausing it after every few words to write it down. I came up with a blog idea but did not follow it. It was laid on my heart but I did not listen. I successfully failed over and over to let it fully register on my heart.
"Day 23 Watch out for parasites! A parasite is anything that latches onto you or your partner and sucks the life out of your marriage. They're usually in the form of addictions, like gambling, drugs or pornography. They promise pleasure, but grow like a disease and consume more and more of your thoughts, time and money. They steal away your loyalty and heart from those you love. Marriages rarely survive if parasites are present. If you love your wife, you must destroy any addiction that has your heart. If you don't it will destroy you. 'If the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.' John 8:26"
I know what you may be thinking......drugs, gambling and pornography......I don't do any of those. But I AM addicted to FB and the internet. Constantly being on here. Ignoring my husband and my family. Getting frustrated that I can't finish what I am doing. It was consuming more and more of me. Yes, it was not consuming money but it was taking my thoughts and time. I got up and had to search online. I was frustrated if I had to put the kids to bed. Frustrated if I got pulled from the computer for life. Stopped doing dishes, laundry and other household stuff. My house was falling apart around me. So I feel like God has convicted me of this addiction. For me it was and is an addiction. It was always, "one more minute", "I just have to finish this one thing" etc.
It has been a week since stepping back. People still message me and I will respond but I choose to respond with a comment stating, "I have taken a step back from FB for a bit, my email address is ____________ so you can get a hold of me." No more cruising the for sale sites. No more cruising to know what is going on in others lives. Sure I do miss it but I missed my family more. I sit and play with Aurora. I try to clean the house. I am even getting my creativity back again. God gives convictions, He lays them on our hearts and gives us the space to make the decision as to what we choose to do with it. So God here I am.....trying to take steps towards You. In this time I have lost You but I know you are there. You are waiting patiently. So here I am......mold me. Convict me. Guide me.
Wednesday, October 05, 2011
Daddy God
This past Sunday our pastor had a great message. What I got out of it is that God does not pick and choose who can come to Him, but has an open lap for all of us no matter the stage we are in.
Our pastor gave us a great picture. He told us about a video done in black and white of John Kennedy. The video had a section in it where they were filming two young children playing on the front lawn of the White House. Then the video followed as the children got up and ran in to the front door of the White House. They ran right past secret services, ran up and down halls, past guards standing with serious business faces. Past the CIA. Right in to the Oval Office. Ran around the desk and jumped right up in to their Daddy's lap.
He said that this is what God is like. That we can run right past any obstacles, nothing stopping us and we can run right up and sit ourselves on our Father's lap. Pretty cool if you ask me.
I sat and closed my eyes, envisioning this. But the desk was gone. I was a little girl in a pretty pink frilly dress. I have sweet little white dress shoes on, white stockings. My hair is down and held back with a thin pink satin ribbon tied around my head. I am playing peacefully but then all of a sudden I just wanted a hug. So I got up and ran up the steps of my Father's house. Ran past dark figures, ran past enemies, ran past each haunting room in to my Father's throne room. There sitting in a big comfy arm chair was my Daddy with His arms outstretched. No desk in front of Him. He was waiting for me. With a big smile He says, "Hello pretty princess!" I run to Him and He scoops me up like it is no effort at all. I put my head against His chest as He wraps His strong arms around me. I whisper, "Hi Daddy" as He kisses the top of my head.
My dad died when I was five. Mom remarried when I was 8, divorced when I was 10 then remarried another man shortly after that. I don't ever remember having the freedom to jump up on a lap and being able to be held. Sure it may have happened but it is not in my memory. This vision that I had is one I would love to have as a warm memory. I long to feel like I am safe and held in someone's arms.
That Sunday I felt like that again. While standing to be prayed for I just stayed on His lap. I let the tears silently fall this time. There was a thought of feeling like an idiot but then I remembered that I am in God's house and I will not be judged. I let myself feel the hurt, the pain and the longing of Daddy's arms around me. When my pastor was praying my eyes were shut just trying to soak in the moment. Then my pastor said, "Feel the love of Daddy God". I started to cry a bit harder.
Daddy.
Daddy God.
The God of the universe wants to be my Daddy.
The creator of all things; the vast skies, the deep sea, the biggest trees, the smallest trees, the creator of all wanted me.
He wants to love me. He wants me to run to Him. He wants to hold me. This was a feeling I hadn't had in a long time. To feel it at that moment was refreshing and like a tall cool drink to my soul.
Daddy loves me.
He loves you too.
No matter what I have done, no matter what darkness lurks around the corner, no matter who stands with weapons drawn against me I can run to Him, leap up on to His lap and put my arms around Him with love.
I just have to get up.
Sometimes I feel too knocked down to even move and that is when I can feel Him pick me up in His arms and hold me. As I stare limp in pain He shushes me and sings me a lullaby.
I am so thankful for the vision our pastor gave us. The vision that warmed my heart and let the tears fall that needed to so badly let loose.
How cool is it that there is no obstacle too big for our Daddy God. That we can just run to Him and He is there with open arms.
Thank you Daddy.
Our pastor gave us a great picture. He told us about a video done in black and white of John Kennedy. The video had a section in it where they were filming two young children playing on the front lawn of the White House. Then the video followed as the children got up and ran in to the front door of the White House. They ran right past secret services, ran up and down halls, past guards standing with serious business faces. Past the CIA. Right in to the Oval Office. Ran around the desk and jumped right up in to their Daddy's lap.
He said that this is what God is like. That we can run right past any obstacles, nothing stopping us and we can run right up and sit ourselves on our Father's lap. Pretty cool if you ask me.
I sat and closed my eyes, envisioning this. But the desk was gone. I was a little girl in a pretty pink frilly dress. I have sweet little white dress shoes on, white stockings. My hair is down and held back with a thin pink satin ribbon tied around my head. I am playing peacefully but then all of a sudden I just wanted a hug. So I got up and ran up the steps of my Father's house. Ran past dark figures, ran past enemies, ran past each haunting room in to my Father's throne room. There sitting in a big comfy arm chair was my Daddy with His arms outstretched. No desk in front of Him. He was waiting for me. With a big smile He says, "Hello pretty princess!" I run to Him and He scoops me up like it is no effort at all. I put my head against His chest as He wraps His strong arms around me. I whisper, "Hi Daddy" as He kisses the top of my head.
My dad died when I was five. Mom remarried when I was 8, divorced when I was 10 then remarried another man shortly after that. I don't ever remember having the freedom to jump up on a lap and being able to be held. Sure it may have happened but it is not in my memory. This vision that I had is one I would love to have as a warm memory. I long to feel like I am safe and held in someone's arms.
That Sunday I felt like that again. While standing to be prayed for I just stayed on His lap. I let the tears silently fall this time. There was a thought of feeling like an idiot but then I remembered that I am in God's house and I will not be judged. I let myself feel the hurt, the pain and the longing of Daddy's arms around me. When my pastor was praying my eyes were shut just trying to soak in the moment. Then my pastor said, "Feel the love of Daddy God". I started to cry a bit harder.
Daddy.
Daddy God.
The God of the universe wants to be my Daddy.
The creator of all things; the vast skies, the deep sea, the biggest trees, the smallest trees, the creator of all wanted me.
He wants to love me. He wants me to run to Him. He wants to hold me. This was a feeling I hadn't had in a long time. To feel it at that moment was refreshing and like a tall cool drink to my soul.
Daddy loves me.
He loves you too.
No matter what I have done, no matter what darkness lurks around the corner, no matter who stands with weapons drawn against me I can run to Him, leap up on to His lap and put my arms around Him with love.
I just have to get up.
Sometimes I feel too knocked down to even move and that is when I can feel Him pick me up in His arms and hold me. As I stare limp in pain He shushes me and sings me a lullaby.
I am so thankful for the vision our pastor gave us. The vision that warmed my heart and let the tears fall that needed to so badly let loose.
How cool is it that there is no obstacle too big for our Daddy God. That we can just run to Him and He is there with open arms.
Thank you Daddy.
Monday, May 09, 2011
Thankfulness
Thank you.
two little words that can make someone's day. I know that when I am truly thanked it makes me smile. Something about knowing how appreciated someone is that can just lift your spirits. Thank you can be two words to show how you are feeling in your heart.
Yet I find myself struggling with those words right now.
I will be 33 weeks pregnant on Wednesday. 33 weeks in to a pregnancy that in my heart I never ever thought would happen. A pregnancy that I was at one point only dreaming of. Then 18 weeks in to the pregnancy we found out that God had blessed us with a healthy baby girl. Her heart is perfect. She is developing perfect. Which, was a concern because of my anti-depressants and the risks that they could cause to the developing child. For me though the risks of being OFF the meds were greater. So I placed it all in God's hands. His hands are bigger and more capable then my own.
With this pregnancy I am learning more and more about walking in Faith. Feeling the child move inside me reminds me of how big and how great God is. That she is in God's hands. I think about it and cry. I whisper thank you through the tears. But I feel like it just isn't enough. HOW do you thank the God of the universe? Does He laugh at me when I say thank you because the words are so petty to someone so vast and big?
I search my heart for just the right words but nothing comes. All I can do is cry happy tears and thankful tears. All I can say over and over is thank you. It just doesn't seem right. It feels like there must be SOMETHING I can say or do to get across just how thankful I truly am.
I was told that God knows my heart. But I have to be able to find the words to express it. I just have to. Or do I?
Do I just keep walking in faith believing that God knows how deep my gratitude and love runs for Him? How grateful we are for the gift He has blessed us with. How thankful we are that she is healthy, growing and thriving. How thankful that we are with Him protecting her.
I can't wait until the day that I get to hold her in my arms. To see the gift we have been blessed with face to face. Yet I know I will continually struggle to find just the right words. I hope that Thank You will be enough for now. That the tears He sees are full of gratitude and amazement at Him. Although I know there must be MORE I just hold fast to the faith that He does indeed know my heart. He does know how it swells for Him. How much I love Him.
So Father, Father of all creation I stand meekly in front of your throne and say thank you. I offer my heart to you and I thank you.
"Now, our God, (I) give you thanks, and praise your glorious name." 1Chronicles 29:13
two little words that can make someone's day. I know that when I am truly thanked it makes me smile. Something about knowing how appreciated someone is that can just lift your spirits. Thank you can be two words to show how you are feeling in your heart.
Yet I find myself struggling with those words right now.
I will be 33 weeks pregnant on Wednesday. 33 weeks in to a pregnancy that in my heart I never ever thought would happen. A pregnancy that I was at one point only dreaming of. Then 18 weeks in to the pregnancy we found out that God had blessed us with a healthy baby girl. Her heart is perfect. She is developing perfect. Which, was a concern because of my anti-depressants and the risks that they could cause to the developing child. For me though the risks of being OFF the meds were greater. So I placed it all in God's hands. His hands are bigger and more capable then my own.
With this pregnancy I am learning more and more about walking in Faith. Feeling the child move inside me reminds me of how big and how great God is. That she is in God's hands. I think about it and cry. I whisper thank you through the tears. But I feel like it just isn't enough. HOW do you thank the God of the universe? Does He laugh at me when I say thank you because the words are so petty to someone so vast and big?
I search my heart for just the right words but nothing comes. All I can do is cry happy tears and thankful tears. All I can say over and over is thank you. It just doesn't seem right. It feels like there must be SOMETHING I can say or do to get across just how thankful I truly am.
I was told that God knows my heart. But I have to be able to find the words to express it. I just have to. Or do I?
Do I just keep walking in faith believing that God knows how deep my gratitude and love runs for Him? How grateful we are for the gift He has blessed us with. How thankful we are that she is healthy, growing and thriving. How thankful that we are with Him protecting her.
I can't wait until the day that I get to hold her in my arms. To see the gift we have been blessed with face to face. Yet I know I will continually struggle to find just the right words. I hope that Thank You will be enough for now. That the tears He sees are full of gratitude and amazement at Him. Although I know there must be MORE I just hold fast to the faith that He does indeed know my heart. He does know how it swells for Him. How much I love Him.
So Father, Father of all creation I stand meekly in front of your throne and say thank you. I offer my heart to you and I thank you.
"Now, our God, (I) give you thanks, and praise your glorious name." 1Chronicles 29:13
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Like New
Laying in bed listening to the birds yesterday morning I found myself smiling. It is a new season and Spring is coming. Hearing the birds sing and coming back to the life around me. Hearing the new songs around me. Seeing life springing up all around.
I laid in bed just listening. Thinking of how all the new life was beginning again around me. Then my little girl squirmed within me. I was smiling about another new life growing and thriving within me.
God was giving me a glimpse of something. I was reminded of the verse, "His mercies are new every morning." Every morning a new season starts. Every morning the slate is wiped clean and He graciously gives us His mercy. Not because we deserve it but because He loves us so much to give us the gift of His love and mercy.
It just amazes me that as life begins around me and within me. Only because He loves us and that is enough for Him.
I am sure this is scattered but my brain is just in awe right now. The new beginnings. Not because we deserve it but because He wants us to experience it.
I laid in bed just listening. Thinking of how all the new life was beginning again around me. Then my little girl squirmed within me. I was smiling about another new life growing and thriving within me.
God was giving me a glimpse of something. I was reminded of the verse, "His mercies are new every morning." Every morning a new season starts. Every morning the slate is wiped clean and He graciously gives us His mercy. Not because we deserve it but because He loves us so much to give us the gift of His love and mercy.
It just amazes me that as life begins around me and within me. Only because He loves us and that is enough for Him.
I am sure this is scattered but my brain is just in awe right now. The new beginnings. Not because we deserve it but because He wants us to experience it.
Monday, January 31, 2011
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Excitement growing within
As my baby grows more and more I am allowing myself to get excited. I feel baby move and kick at me. Knowing that God has blessed me with the being inside.
I had a vision where Jesus was holding a small pink blanket. In this blanket laid a baby. He pulled me closer to Him and we stared at the baby. Jesus whispered, "I have this baby in my hands. It is not in yours, it is in mine and I just ask that you continue to walk in faith and trust for me to take care of this baby that you can't physically hold yet."
I came to peace with it. I felt peace as I fell asleep after the vision.
I just booked a 3D ultrasound appointment for the 12th. A chance to see this precious little one God has blessed us with. To know that this is a healthy boy or girl.
This morning in my reading I came across a great verse. Psalm 25:10, "All the ways of the Lord are loving and faithful." All of them. He is protecting us in love and in faith. I will choose to continue to walking in faith and leaving it to Him. It is hard but it is worth it!
I had a vision where Jesus was holding a small pink blanket. In this blanket laid a baby. He pulled me closer to Him and we stared at the baby. Jesus whispered, "I have this baby in my hands. It is not in yours, it is in mine and I just ask that you continue to walk in faith and trust for me to take care of this baby that you can't physically hold yet."
I came to peace with it. I felt peace as I fell asleep after the vision.
I just booked a 3D ultrasound appointment for the 12th. A chance to see this precious little one God has blessed us with. To know that this is a healthy boy or girl.
This morning in my reading I came across a great verse. Psalm 25:10, "All the ways of the Lord are loving and faithful." All of them. He is protecting us in love and in faith. I will choose to continue to walking in faith and leaving it to Him. It is hard but it is worth it!
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Reflecting
Yesterday I attended an amazing mans funeral. We celebrated the life of Myron Berg. Myron tragically passed away on December 28th due to a head on motor vehicle collision. His quick thinking spared the lives of his 4 children and beautiful wife.
Sitting at the funeral I was humbled by seeing how many people filled the room. I would say a thousand people for sure. Copies were made of a little flag his youngest daughter made. Who at 7 years old put her artistic talents to work and made a Canucks flag for her dad. We waved them all in remembrance of him.
Of course after the service my mind started going a mile a minute. This man was so in tune with God and his internal compass (as the pastor put it) was pointed straight at God. Got me thinking, where is mine pointed?
I think that maybe 30 people would be at my funeral and that is because they are family or friends. I don't think I have touched or impacted any lives around me. When the pastor said that Myron got to hear the words, "Well done, good and faithful servant" I started to think. What would He say to me? I am pretty dang sure it would not be "well done" or that I "did well". Who have I impacted? Am I an example of Christ? Do I share His love?
How can I share His love when there are more times then not when I struggle to understand it myself? How can I talk about Him when I don't know enough about Him? When I struggle to understand more and feel like I am at a stage where I have to figure it out on my own.
I haven't made a difference and to me that is ok right now. Because being at this funeral and thinking about how there would in no way be this much support for me I wanted to change. I wanted to be one of those people like Myron. That walked in faith and everyone knew it. They knew who he leaned on. They knew he loved his family with all his heart. He was proud of them. They were proud of him. God is proud of him.
So knowing and feeling like God is not proud of me. That I don't make a difference and that God would not say, "well done" to me I feel a flicker inside me wanting to change. Wanting to get the counselling I struggle to make. Wanting to dive in to the Word more.
I realize how fragile life is and I cried while having my hand placed on my ever growing belly. Feeling blessed that even in my struggles and confusion God has given me a gift. And this child will be received with open arms, as it already is. As I hang on to the hope and faith that this will be the one to come to our family and fill the house again. While baby kicks inside of me it reminds me of God's grace. In my time of pain and anger and bitterness with God He still chose to bless us. So although I may not FEEL like an example of His love I can work on it and be the best person God has made me to be.
Myron, you are a wonderful example and I can only hope to impact lives like you have. May you be in Christ's presence and enjoying your time with Him. I remember Myron being excited about our pregnancy. Congratulating us for the good news. What did I do? I whispered, "We aren't telling anyone yet." I do regret that but I know that Myron would not want me to hold on to that. So I give it to God and I thank Him that our lives got to have a taste of the beauty and faithfulness of this amazing man.
Myron, you are loved and missed. May you rest in His presence.
the copy of the flag his seven year old daughter made for him on Christmas. We wave it in your honor Myron.
Sitting at the funeral I was humbled by seeing how many people filled the room. I would say a thousand people for sure. Copies were made of a little flag his youngest daughter made. Who at 7 years old put her artistic talents to work and made a Canucks flag for her dad. We waved them all in remembrance of him.
Of course after the service my mind started going a mile a minute. This man was so in tune with God and his internal compass (as the pastor put it) was pointed straight at God. Got me thinking, where is mine pointed?
I think that maybe 30 people would be at my funeral and that is because they are family or friends. I don't think I have touched or impacted any lives around me. When the pastor said that Myron got to hear the words, "Well done, good and faithful servant" I started to think. What would He say to me? I am pretty dang sure it would not be "well done" or that I "did well". Who have I impacted? Am I an example of Christ? Do I share His love?
How can I share His love when there are more times then not when I struggle to understand it myself? How can I talk about Him when I don't know enough about Him? When I struggle to understand more and feel like I am at a stage where I have to figure it out on my own.
I haven't made a difference and to me that is ok right now. Because being at this funeral and thinking about how there would in no way be this much support for me I wanted to change. I wanted to be one of those people like Myron. That walked in faith and everyone knew it. They knew who he leaned on. They knew he loved his family with all his heart. He was proud of them. They were proud of him. God is proud of him.
So knowing and feeling like God is not proud of me. That I don't make a difference and that God would not say, "well done" to me I feel a flicker inside me wanting to change. Wanting to get the counselling I struggle to make. Wanting to dive in to the Word more.
I realize how fragile life is and I cried while having my hand placed on my ever growing belly. Feeling blessed that even in my struggles and confusion God has given me a gift. And this child will be received with open arms, as it already is. As I hang on to the hope and faith that this will be the one to come to our family and fill the house again. While baby kicks inside of me it reminds me of God's grace. In my time of pain and anger and bitterness with God He still chose to bless us. So although I may not FEEL like an example of His love I can work on it and be the best person God has made me to be.
Myron, you are a wonderful example and I can only hope to impact lives like you have. May you be in Christ's presence and enjoying your time with Him. I remember Myron being excited about our pregnancy. Congratulating us for the good news. What did I do? I whispered, "We aren't telling anyone yet." I do regret that but I know that Myron would not want me to hold on to that. So I give it to God and I thank Him that our lives got to have a taste of the beauty and faithfulness of this amazing man.
Myron, you are loved and missed. May you rest in His presence.
the copy of the flag his seven year old daughter made for him on Christmas. We wave it in your honor Myron.
Monday, January 17, 2011
Moments of clarity
The claws of depression can be large and dark. Sharp and pulling you in. I have dealt with the depression for only 6 years. I know of people that have dealt with it a lot longer then I have.
Being up since 5:30 again this morning I have been thinking. My teaching over the last couple years has taught me a lot. It has taught me that the depression can pull me under but even though it does God can lift me back up. It doesn't stop the silence that screams out from within my soul. It is a battle but it is worth it.
The things that I have been taught have included the fact that God will protect me. He will hold me up when I fall. That "He will command his angels concerning you to guard you carefully; they will lift you up in their hands, so that you will not strike your foot against a stone." Luke 4:10-11
This came to me this morning. That I will fall, I will stumble, but I have to try really hard to remember that even though I don't FEEL it at the moment God is talking to his angels concerning little ol' me. That I am important enough that God will take the time to give His angels to help me not strike my feet as I fall to the ground and feel like I can't get up. When I feel like I am being dragged through the muck, the dirt and the grime He has his angels with me so that I won't be alone.
Sure it is a painful journey but I have experienced the joy of coming out on the other side of that darkness. The other side of that scary path there is the light that warms my heart. The light that tells me that He will be there even though I don't feel Him.
I can't feel Him right now but at this exact moment it almost feels like the fog has lifted a bit. Just enough to remember the truth. That God loves me and that I am loved by others as well. The tears have been falling and I can't even tell you exactly why. Maybe God wants them to cleanse me. I know this path is not over and the journey will continue.
The voices are mean. The voices are lonely. The voices are dark. I don't feel His warmth right now but am reminded to walk in faith. "Blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed." John 20:29 Reminding myself of this verse I will choose to lean on the truth that I know is real. The truth that although I cannot feel Him, He is here with me. I will walk this darkness out in faith.
This is really hard. Nothing worth it is easy. No one ever said the journey of faith will be an easy one either. God never promised there would be no pain, no grief, no tears, no confusion but at this exact moment I will choose to walk in faith.
It is hard because I feel the dark gripping me and not wanting to let go. That familiar darkness. That familiar pain. That familiar loneliness. I will continue to go step by step and day by day. I will do this on my own, but alas - I am not alone. I just have to let Him in. I have a hard time praying right now and I feel fake about it. I am a sin filled, problematic, fallen child.
I really don't know where I am going with this, except just feeling a SLIGHT bit of peace this morning. Peace within the midst of darkness. Warmth in the midst of the cold. Loved in midst of the pain. Understood by Him, if not by anyone else. Right now I lean on the hope that He will help me through this. That maybe, just maybe He might see that I am alone and don't want to be. I don't want to scream. I wear the mask and continue on my way. Continue on the path that I know will end. Eventually.
I pray that he forgives me for going back and forth. For feeling stuck. For feeling like a failure. Within the battle that is oh so familiar I will struggle and fight to not stay in that familiar place but remind myself of the joy I feel in Him. At this exact moment I remember Him. The Daddy I always wanted. I just hope that he is holding me and won't punish me. The brief moments of clarity lift the fog and bring warmth again.
Being up since 5:30 again this morning I have been thinking. My teaching over the last couple years has taught me a lot. It has taught me that the depression can pull me under but even though it does God can lift me back up. It doesn't stop the silence that screams out from within my soul. It is a battle but it is worth it.
The things that I have been taught have included the fact that God will protect me. He will hold me up when I fall. That "He will command his angels concerning you to guard you carefully; they will lift you up in their hands, so that you will not strike your foot against a stone." Luke 4:10-11
This came to me this morning. That I will fall, I will stumble, but I have to try really hard to remember that even though I don't FEEL it at the moment God is talking to his angels concerning little ol' me. That I am important enough that God will take the time to give His angels to help me not strike my feet as I fall to the ground and feel like I can't get up. When I feel like I am being dragged through the muck, the dirt and the grime He has his angels with me so that I won't be alone.
Sure it is a painful journey but I have experienced the joy of coming out on the other side of that darkness. The other side of that scary path there is the light that warms my heart. The light that tells me that He will be there even though I don't feel Him.
I can't feel Him right now but at this exact moment it almost feels like the fog has lifted a bit. Just enough to remember the truth. That God loves me and that I am loved by others as well. The tears have been falling and I can't even tell you exactly why. Maybe God wants them to cleanse me. I know this path is not over and the journey will continue.
The voices are mean. The voices are lonely. The voices are dark. I don't feel His warmth right now but am reminded to walk in faith. "Blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed." John 20:29 Reminding myself of this verse I will choose to lean on the truth that I know is real. The truth that although I cannot feel Him, He is here with me. I will walk this darkness out in faith.
This is really hard. Nothing worth it is easy. No one ever said the journey of faith will be an easy one either. God never promised there would be no pain, no grief, no tears, no confusion but at this exact moment I will choose to walk in faith.
It is hard because I feel the dark gripping me and not wanting to let go. That familiar darkness. That familiar pain. That familiar loneliness. I will continue to go step by step and day by day. I will do this on my own, but alas - I am not alone. I just have to let Him in. I have a hard time praying right now and I feel fake about it. I am a sin filled, problematic, fallen child.
I really don't know where I am going with this, except just feeling a SLIGHT bit of peace this morning. Peace within the midst of darkness. Warmth in the midst of the cold. Loved in midst of the pain. Understood by Him, if not by anyone else. Right now I lean on the hope that He will help me through this. That maybe, just maybe He might see that I am alone and don't want to be. I don't want to scream. I wear the mask and continue on my way. Continue on the path that I know will end. Eventually.
I pray that he forgives me for going back and forth. For feeling stuck. For feeling like a failure. Within the battle that is oh so familiar I will struggle and fight to not stay in that familiar place but remind myself of the joy I feel in Him. At this exact moment I remember Him. The Daddy I always wanted. I just hope that he is holding me and won't punish me. The brief moments of clarity lift the fog and bring warmth again.
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Silent Screams
Kind of sounds contradicting doesn't it? How can a scream be silent? Screams are loud and usually make people's heads turn towards the one screaming. But I feel like I am screaming inside but yet am silent through it all.
Why?
It is only because it is my fault. I am not telling anyone. I am not letting anyone in. I feel guilty for feeling the pain and the hurt and frustration that I do when I watch so many around me suffer through harder things then the petty shit on my brain. I feel guilty for wanting to cry and run and scream. My life is blessed so what the hell is my problem? I feel like an ungrateful person. I feel like a forgotten daughter. I feel like a failure.
I have been absolutely blessed with this fifth pregnancy. A pregnancy that is in fact keeping me on my toes but a blessing none the less. A baby that is now at 16 weeks 4 days gestation age. A baby that I have longed to be pregnant with. A baby that I am starting to feel move. I have longed to feel those things again. Through my pain and my anger back in September God had still decided that bless me with this baby. To bless my family with this baby. I don't DARE ask why me for fear it might be taken away out of punishment. I am told though that our God is not like that. Yet here I sit silently in tears. Silently screaming at the top of my lungs. Gasping for breath so that I can bring one more scream out. Yet I don't do it. I silently let it build. I don't let anyone in, not even God. Would He really want to hear the same crap from me? Would He deem me ungrateful and punish me and make me pay?
The last week or so I have silently been trying to battle my depression. There are good days and bad days of course. I almost wonder with the increasingly different changes with my hormones, if maybe my mind can't hang on to the balance anymore. I don't want to increase my meds. So I silently battle.
Today at church I sat by myself. Running on four and a half hours of sleep I fought the tears. Hearing the pain that my pastor is going through with his family. Hearing the pain that a very special church family is going through. All the while thinking that I really don't deserve to be upset. Yet, I cry. I struggle.
I felt like I couldn't even sing the songs. As I would be nothing but a fake. Where is this God, this Father that I knew loved me. Why don't I feel that anymore? Why do I feel like He is no where to be heard or seen. Why do I feel like if I admit this out loud my baby would be snatched from within my womb because I don't believe. I DO really believe but I fight.
Our wonderful pastor ended the service saying a couple things. Some of the things he said were, "God loves you." "God is proud of you." I bawled. I dropped my head in tears. I sat silently screaming and feeling like no one gave a shit. Everyone walked past me and around me. I couldn't feel God although I cried out to Him. Proud of ME? He loves ME? Why? When all I feel like I am doing is being ungrateful. I feel like I am at a breaking point again and I don't like it. I feel like the dark is ever so slowly engulfing me again. I fight as best I can but what good is a fight if no one is there to battle with you? I tell my husband I am tired because I just don't want to worry him or my son. So I silently fight.
During coffee time a dear friend passed me, rubbed my shoulder and said hi. It was all I could do to put on a fake smile and say hi back. I couldn't say hi so I just smiled. Then another dear friend approached me and I put on the act. I put on the laughs and the smiles saying I was great. Saying the baby was good. Yet inside I was stomping my feet and screaming. Yet on the outside I successfully was able to wear my mask again. I looked at her and her eyes pierced in to me and I knew I had to tell her. I had to tell someone. So I just said, "honestly, I am struggling with the depression, so yeah....but it will be fine." Sure, it WILL be fine. But damn it Misty, you have to let people in to fight with you. Yet I won't do it because there are so many other people hurting. So I fight silently.
Sitting there at the end of service while the tears flowed I dropped to my knees just listening to the music. Not daring to get up and ask for prayer. I cried alone. Surrounded by the dark. Surrounded by laughter and people mingling but all I could think was, "suck it up Misty. Put on your big girl panties and wear the mask." So I sat back down and wiped my tears. Breathed a big sigh, got up put on my coat and did what I do best. I ran away. There are a few I want to reach to because they know this dark ugly path I have been on. Maybe just maybe they would care. But I don't even give them the benefit of doubt and I know that this is something I have to walk through on my own. I feel selfish. I feel pathetic. I let the tears fall briefly as I type and each one that drops upon my ever growing belly is like letting out a scream of relief. Then I feel the guilt wash over me again. I should be happy. I am happy. So why do I silently sit here screaming and fighting the darkness that is oh so familiar at this point.
Screaming silently but wanting to secretly let people in.
SILENT SCREAMS
The dark engulfs me and
starts to entangle me in it's
thick, familiar web.
The voice of light seems to
be so distant at this point that
even though I can feel it's
warmth and see it's brightness
I see it getting smaller
and smaller.
I stand wanting to stomp my
feet and cry like a child.
I scream but no sound
can escape my soul.
So I stand there, silently
screaming and putting on a smile
so that no one will know.
God knows yet I won't let
Him in enough so that we
can fight the dark together.
No, I can do this on my
own, even though I know
that I am clearly not supposed to.
The road that has been
so familiar for me in the past
is beckoning for me to come
along it and walk it again.
To turn around, walk down
it's dark and lonely fear
gripping, bumpy surface.
I stand in one spot screaming
from within not knowing
where to turn and what to do.
I am reaching out my hand
to feel Daddy take my own
but where is it?
I can't find it's familiar
warmth and strength.
So as the dark pulls in around
me I stand not knowing what
to do and silently screaming
for help.
Hoping that somewhere, He
will hear me and care. That
someone will care.
Not out of sympathy, but because
they love me and have
walked it with me before.
But for now my throat tightens,
my teeth clench and
my body wretches within.
I put on the mask, wear the
happy face and take another
step, refusing to let the
dark win.
It is all I can do.
Why?
It is only because it is my fault. I am not telling anyone. I am not letting anyone in. I feel guilty for feeling the pain and the hurt and frustration that I do when I watch so many around me suffer through harder things then the petty shit on my brain. I feel guilty for wanting to cry and run and scream. My life is blessed so what the hell is my problem? I feel like an ungrateful person. I feel like a forgotten daughter. I feel like a failure.
I have been absolutely blessed with this fifth pregnancy. A pregnancy that is in fact keeping me on my toes but a blessing none the less. A baby that is now at 16 weeks 4 days gestation age. A baby that I have longed to be pregnant with. A baby that I am starting to feel move. I have longed to feel those things again. Through my pain and my anger back in September God had still decided that bless me with this baby. To bless my family with this baby. I don't DARE ask why me for fear it might be taken away out of punishment. I am told though that our God is not like that. Yet here I sit silently in tears. Silently screaming at the top of my lungs. Gasping for breath so that I can bring one more scream out. Yet I don't do it. I silently let it build. I don't let anyone in, not even God. Would He really want to hear the same crap from me? Would He deem me ungrateful and punish me and make me pay?
The last week or so I have silently been trying to battle my depression. There are good days and bad days of course. I almost wonder with the increasingly different changes with my hormones, if maybe my mind can't hang on to the balance anymore. I don't want to increase my meds. So I silently battle.
Today at church I sat by myself. Running on four and a half hours of sleep I fought the tears. Hearing the pain that my pastor is going through with his family. Hearing the pain that a very special church family is going through. All the while thinking that I really don't deserve to be upset. Yet, I cry. I struggle.
I felt like I couldn't even sing the songs. As I would be nothing but a fake. Where is this God, this Father that I knew loved me. Why don't I feel that anymore? Why do I feel like He is no where to be heard or seen. Why do I feel like if I admit this out loud my baby would be snatched from within my womb because I don't believe. I DO really believe but I fight.
Our wonderful pastor ended the service saying a couple things. Some of the things he said were, "God loves you." "God is proud of you." I bawled. I dropped my head in tears. I sat silently screaming and feeling like no one gave a shit. Everyone walked past me and around me. I couldn't feel God although I cried out to Him. Proud of ME? He loves ME? Why? When all I feel like I am doing is being ungrateful. I feel like I am at a breaking point again and I don't like it. I feel like the dark is ever so slowly engulfing me again. I fight as best I can but what good is a fight if no one is there to battle with you? I tell my husband I am tired because I just don't want to worry him or my son. So I silently fight.
During coffee time a dear friend passed me, rubbed my shoulder and said hi. It was all I could do to put on a fake smile and say hi back. I couldn't say hi so I just smiled. Then another dear friend approached me and I put on the act. I put on the laughs and the smiles saying I was great. Saying the baby was good. Yet inside I was stomping my feet and screaming. Yet on the outside I successfully was able to wear my mask again. I looked at her and her eyes pierced in to me and I knew I had to tell her. I had to tell someone. So I just said, "honestly, I am struggling with the depression, so yeah....but it will be fine." Sure, it WILL be fine. But damn it Misty, you have to let people in to fight with you. Yet I won't do it because there are so many other people hurting. So I fight silently.
Sitting there at the end of service while the tears flowed I dropped to my knees just listening to the music. Not daring to get up and ask for prayer. I cried alone. Surrounded by the dark. Surrounded by laughter and people mingling but all I could think was, "suck it up Misty. Put on your big girl panties and wear the mask." So I sat back down and wiped my tears. Breathed a big sigh, got up put on my coat and did what I do best. I ran away. There are a few I want to reach to because they know this dark ugly path I have been on. Maybe just maybe they would care. But I don't even give them the benefit of doubt and I know that this is something I have to walk through on my own. I feel selfish. I feel pathetic. I let the tears fall briefly as I type and each one that drops upon my ever growing belly is like letting out a scream of relief. Then I feel the guilt wash over me again. I should be happy. I am happy. So why do I silently sit here screaming and fighting the darkness that is oh so familiar at this point.
Screaming silently but wanting to secretly let people in.
SILENT SCREAMS
The dark engulfs me and
starts to entangle me in it's
thick, familiar web.
The voice of light seems to
be so distant at this point that
even though I can feel it's
warmth and see it's brightness
I see it getting smaller
and smaller.
I stand wanting to stomp my
feet and cry like a child.
I scream but no sound
can escape my soul.
So I stand there, silently
screaming and putting on a smile
so that no one will know.
God knows yet I won't let
Him in enough so that we
can fight the dark together.
No, I can do this on my
own, even though I know
that I am clearly not supposed to.
The road that has been
so familiar for me in the past
is beckoning for me to come
along it and walk it again.
To turn around, walk down
it's dark and lonely fear
gripping, bumpy surface.
I stand in one spot screaming
from within not knowing
where to turn and what to do.
I am reaching out my hand
to feel Daddy take my own
but where is it?
I can't find it's familiar
warmth and strength.
So as the dark pulls in around
me I stand not knowing what
to do and silently screaming
for help.
Hoping that somewhere, He
will hear me and care. That
someone will care.
Not out of sympathy, but because
they love me and have
walked it with me before.
But for now my throat tightens,
my teeth clench and
my body wretches within.
I put on the mask, wear the
happy face and take another
step, refusing to let the
dark win.
It is all I can do.
Thursday, December 30, 2010
"Jesus wept"
John 11:35 tells us that Jesus wept. He wept over the anguish of a loss.
Lately there have been a lot of losses around me. People I love suffering through betrayal and hurt. People suffering through losing people they love. Those suffering through debilitating illnesses. Before I would find myself getting angry at God, but I am finding right now that I am weeping. It makes me think, is God weeping along with us?
Friends have lost a child recently. A couple days a go another friend died. A victim of a horrible accident, in a second the family lost their father and their husband. All in the blink of an eye. I always have believed that a parent should NEVER ever have to outlive their children. It is so heart breaking to witness any loss. These recent losses got me thinking further. These are God's children. So our Father is outliving His children. Does it make His heart weep? Does it make His heart ache?
I am thankful that in this time of mourning and uncertainty God is with us. I am thankful that we "do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet he did not sin." Hebrews 4:15
So this Father, this High Priest, our Jesus is able to sympathize with us. I find myself in this time doing something much different then I have ever done before. Rather then blaming and yelling at and criticizing God I find myself weeping. Imagining that He is along side me weeping along with me.
During this season of weeping my heart is so sore. It is hard to wrap our heads around and understand this side of heaven all the hurt and pain that each of those I love is going through. But in Faith I will walk believing that Jesus is weeping with us. That He will not abandon us during this time.
"Jesus wept", we are free to do the same, knowing that Jesus understands and He will protect us during this time. Pray with me for peace in the lives of all those hurting. Within the church family, blood family and friend family. Only God knows the reason and it is hard to just pray and feel so helpless. But it is times like this that I wonder, what else CAN I do?
Lately there have been a lot of losses around me. People I love suffering through betrayal and hurt. People suffering through losing people they love. Those suffering through debilitating illnesses. Before I would find myself getting angry at God, but I am finding right now that I am weeping. It makes me think, is God weeping along with us?
Friends have lost a child recently. A couple days a go another friend died. A victim of a horrible accident, in a second the family lost their father and their husband. All in the blink of an eye. I always have believed that a parent should NEVER ever have to outlive their children. It is so heart breaking to witness any loss. These recent losses got me thinking further. These are God's children. So our Father is outliving His children. Does it make His heart weep? Does it make His heart ache?
I am thankful that in this time of mourning and uncertainty God is with us. I am thankful that we "do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet he did not sin." Hebrews 4:15
So this Father, this High Priest, our Jesus is able to sympathize with us. I find myself in this time doing something much different then I have ever done before. Rather then blaming and yelling at and criticizing God I find myself weeping. Imagining that He is along side me weeping along with me.
During this season of weeping my heart is so sore. It is hard to wrap our heads around and understand this side of heaven all the hurt and pain that each of those I love is going through. But in Faith I will walk believing that Jesus is weeping with us. That He will not abandon us during this time.
"Jesus wept", we are free to do the same, knowing that Jesus understands and He will protect us during this time. Pray with me for peace in the lives of all those hurting. Within the church family, blood family and friend family. Only God knows the reason and it is hard to just pray and feel so helpless. But it is times like this that I wonder, what else CAN I do?
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