I love Cooper's face in this pic

Mommy and Cooper

this was taken the last day of Mom's group before holidays. My camera and setup. I like the pic even though he is not looking at the camera.

time flies

not sure when life started getting so busy!!
Cooper likes to sleep in the big bed at Auntie Sue's house. And lately at home he is wanting to be in a big bed. I am wondering if he feels trapped in the crib. I can understand the play pen cause it is significantly smaller. But the crib is pretty big. I am not ready for him to be in a big bed. wahhhh!!
Cooper says the odd sentence and more words. He is totally a sponge now!! Just now he asked for orange juice. He also will say Thank you mom. So amazing!!

Last night I got a call from Phil saying he was at a gas station. His car COMPLETELY died. He hit something in the road and it broke the oil pan and seized the engine completely. So he has my car. The only thing I can keep thinking is that God has SOME sort of plan. I tried not to panic but got a little anxious.
I got a free month at Curves gym. I am not going as much as I would like to but now without a car I won't go. Cause there is no point putting more miles on my car after Phil already has driven it a total of a hour and a half each day. God has a reason......He has to. So I called ICBC this morning for Phil and get this.....he can claim it but HIS rates will go up. It is claimed as an accident. I said, let me get this straight. Cause there was something wrong in the ROAD my husband has to pay for it!!! and she said yes. Phil said the engine is completely seized so we will have to see what happens. Right now it is somewhere near 264th street on the side of the road.
Christmas is so busy but I really can't wait to see Cooper get into it this year. Cooper has his own little backpack now and he carries his own snack and diapers. Plus a book.
Some pics.....
a John Deere Tractor pillow case I made for Cooper


and funny face in front of the tree


his backpack



oh and there was a firetruck at Walmart. They were doing an inspection and they let Cooper in the driver's seat to check it out. It was dark out and the guy tried to get a good pic with HIS camera. Cause of course I wouldn't have mine just going to walmart. But Cooper has a blast!

Cooper's first big snow day!

After church and nap it was time to go out and play in the snow. Cooper had a lot of fun. He did get mad though cause he could barely walk and it was so deep. LOL. But it was still fun.
Cooper and his friend Josh

Cooper


Phil is the one getting up. Went down the hill. THAT was fun!

How red his cheeks and chin were when we came in.


this pic is from Saturday. The sun behind the clouds while it was snowing!

a couple pics from Sue's house. The bird feeder and a rocking chair.

Chocolate milk says........

NO WAY!! You should have seen my face! LOL!!
we just won a blockbuster rental but still. Never thought I would see it in my lifetime!!

Psalm 121:1-2

"I lift up my eyes to the hills—
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the LORD,
the Maker of heaven and earth."



This is keeping me hanging on. Day by day. Prayer by prayer. Thank you God.

Stretched thin

sorry to whine but here I go.....

I have been feeling really stretched thin lately. Phil has been working so much, I barely see him. So it is single parenting almost, I seriously DO NOT know how some of you momma's do it. Plus some other things that I don't really want to get into right now.
I have really been praying and asking God to take the burden and stress from me cause there is really no point to stress out. It gets me no where. That in itself is a new, better attitude for me. But I am finding I can't just pray once. It is over and over all day. Everytime it hits me. Plus I am having issues with my faith right now. I know God will provide. He has done it before.
I just feel so thin that I am see through. I need a break. Need a day to myself. (Whine, whine, whine) I need some time with Phil. I love my kid. I love my husband but I am just so worn out. Some days I don't even have the energy to talk. The stress is minute by minute. I will think of something we have run out of and stress again. It is a vicious circle and I am going insane.
We need to get back into the church activities we were a part of and we have been lacking in that itself. Yesterday at church I couldn't even sing. I was singing the words in my head but to sing them out loud was a lot of effort. I try to just plug away and keep going but sometimes I can't hide it. I am starting to get frustrated easily again. Not a very joyous post.....
Just wanted to get it out and ask for prayer.

I'm Sorry

two words that can take the anger right out of the situation.

So I was on my way home from bible study tonight. I was taking my ordinary route. There was a nice SUV next to me and I remember thinking how new it looked and how bright the headlights were and how crisp. Then I looked and thought, wow they light up my lane too. WAIT A MINUTE!!!!
Here comes this SUV RIGHT INTO MY LANE!! He had no signal on or anything. He just started to come into my lane. Maybe he couldn't handle the corner or something but DANG. His front passenger fender was INCHES away from my front drivers side fender.
My heart pounded in my chest as I pounded on the horn, sure that if I didn't he would have kept going into my lane, into me. In Phil's car no less.
So then the guy speeds up. I catch up to him, he was about in his fifties I would guess. I just looked over at him and shook my head. Then looked back at the red light we were sitting at. I felt someone staring at me.
So I look over and he was staring right at me. I raised my hand and shoulder as if saying, "what?" Then I noticed his window was down.
So I reluctantly rolled mine down. You never know now a day. "what?" I rudely snapped.
He says, "I'm sorry"
I said, "thank you"
Then he continued, "have you ever made a mistake in your life?"
sheepishly I said yes.
Then he said sorry again.
I said, "thank you. I appreciate the appology"

then the light went green and we went on our ways. He was much slower now though. I switched lanes in front of him, using my signal and leaving ample room. Then I turned down my road as he went straight down his.
Then this escaped my lips "Lord, I pray that you bless that man. Get him to where ever he is going safely. Just bless him. Amen."
Then I found myself thinking, dang he took all the wind right out of my sail. Just by saying those two little words. I still pray that he is blessed and am grateful that he took the responsibility and apologized for his actions. Makes me think twice of how I react next time someone cuts me off or almost turns into me.
After all, We all make mistakes.

DANG!!

"Forgiveness is having the courage to take down the walls that we think are there to protect us."

-Suztes40

Isolation

I am really bad at it myself. I get hurt and that is it, I just want to isolate from the world and from everyone. My trust gets altered and I feel like nothing can be trusted anymore. I realize how fast things can be stopped, how fast a friendship can be ended.
Quite frankly it scares me and makes me worry that I am at fault. Then I get scared and start to worry more and more about my friends just leaving. Just giving up on me. So instead of allowing myself to get hurt I just isolate myself cause then that way I won't be hurt.
This is so wrong in thinking. I need to trust and keep going. The wall around me feels so safe and secure. So lonely. I love my friends and my family but there are times when I just want to hide from everything. However I keep plugging away. Unfortunately I may push people away that I love. So who's fault would it be for the isolation? Mine and only mine. I have to be stronger and make the effort to not allow myself to isolate. It is hard though.
I will chuckle when talking about something that is bothering me. That is my safety. That way if you see me laugh then you don't know how much I am hurting inside. YOu can't see the tears.
All of this thinking is wrong on so many levels. I need to be the one to correct it. I need to be open to people's ideas and suggestions. I hear them but sometimes I just get scared. oh well I am sure this isn't making sense.
my point? isolating sucks. I really need to work on it. The things that are always so hard to do hurt the most. I am grateful for my friends and family. They love me. The won't abandon. Time for me to stop doing it to them. I am sorry for anyone I push away. Thank you for bearing with me and continuing to love me. All I can do is pray. I feel like I have lost that too. Why is it so easy to push away then it is to come back.

Sunset pictures from yesterday

I am so proud of myself. These needed very little editing and I am getting to understand the manual option on my camera better!

Yesterday we "skipped" church. Tisk me later. Phil has started a new job, today actually so say a little prayer for him, but his old job has no one to run the shop on Saturdays. They asked him if he would be willing to stay and work Saturdays until they find a replacement or they choose to shut it down Saturday's. Phil said he would. So you counted right! He is working six days a week. We only have Sunday's together.
So we only get Sunday's together as family days. He is only home for two hours total when Cooper is awake. Yesterday we decided to go up to Golden Ears on a hike. Yes it was raining but it wasn't too bad. Just sprinkling. The only time it poured rain was on our way back while we stopped to eat. Or let Cooper eat. Cooper was such a sport. He did so well. Daddy would reach back and ask him to give him five if he was ok. So he would. That was their communication. It was a fun day. Here are some pictures. Now this was great times with God. The falls were beautiful.

My kid is so amazing. Such a character!

Cooper really has quite the character. I LOVE IT!! He has been wanting to take hot wheels to bed with him lately at night. We are ok with it. It keeps him quiet and he will play a bit while winding down, in his crib. So his favorite one is a John Deere Tractor. This little green thing.
Then one night Phil says, look what Daddy gave you. Cooper looks in and sees a blue John Deere tractor. He was all excited. It was the same as the green one. Then tonight an orange one mysteriously appeared in his crib. Daddy points into his crib and says Cooper what's that?
Cooper looks in and sees the orange tractor. He slides off of Daddy's lap, we had just finished story time, and he stood next to his crib. Then he was looking in his crib and his little mouth LITERALLY dropped open. The big O look and he was surprised. Then he was jabbering and jabbering while pointing at it. I so wish I got a picture but it is in my head and heart. It was so priceless and so full of character.
Earlier tonight we walked up to Value Village. Cooper INSISTED on wearing his new monkey slippers. I would show the pic but it is blurry. LOL. So he walked half way there and all the way back in his little slippers. Happy as a clam. Phil and I watched him and we just could NOT get over how much he is growing up. It amazes us every day. He looks so big now and acts so big. You only show him how to do something once then he has it. What a cool night with our kid. It was just too fun and I had to share.

You gotta be kidding me!!

So this morning going in to get Cooper......
I hear cough cough....and he has a runny nose. Not much of a temp. But he is sweating. Green snotty nose (TMI, I know). Can't this poor kid get a break. He is sick much too much. It is starting to bug ME!!! Breast fed babies get sick less my butt!! He was breast fed for 15 months. I think it more has to do with genes. Hopefully this is all building his immune system to be strong like his dads. sigh......

What a great night!

so last night we went to my MIL's for dinner. We had little bits cause Phil was taking me out for dessert. We put Cooper to bed and then left. This was the FIRST time Cooper was having a sleep over at Grammies without us to wake up to in the morning. I am wondering how he is doing. I am also wondering why I am up so early when I can sleep in! LOL! It is 8 here.
So anyway......Phil took me out to milestones. A little restaurant near his moms. Well in town. So I ordered a drink called a bellini. It is a peach slush with a red alcohol drink in the bottom. Yes I had an alcoholic drink! I can't believe I did that! It has been well over 2 years. So I finished my drink at the bar and then we were seated. The waitress asked if I wanted another. I said no and phil says, sure bring her another. Once the waitress left I was like are you sure! And he said, "this is OUR night. I am sure." So I had another.
So then we actually ordered some food and then he took me to the movies. We saw "Dan in Real Life". It is a cute movie. We got home after midnight. And then we got to sleep in this morning. This was so needed. I was starting to feel like we were drifting too far apart from one another. It was such a perfect night and he treated me so well.
Cooper is really missed!! But I have a photoshoot I am gonna attempt to do later today, along with Michelle. So he is staying the day at Grammies. Then Phil is brining him home once he gets off work. Unless I go and see him sooner. LOL. I miss Cooper really bad but the night was so great. I feel so special! Thought I would share!

Happy Halloween

Daddy got some pics for us.
Cooper not too happy in his costume


Running to the elevator


Cooper and mommy at the mall

Feeling like I don't belong.

You ever get that feeling? I am sure you do. That feeling like you don't exist. That you shouldn't be in the place you are. Feeling like even though you know and love a person that they just don't feel the same. That your opinions and thoughts do not matter.
I am tired of feeling like this. Tired of feeling like I am not heard. That I am high maintenance or a burden to this person. Feeling like they can't even look at me anymore. Feeling like people see right past me. Like I don't exist. Like I am no longer in the room. Like my opinions don't matter.
It has obviously been on my mind a lot. I dreamt about it. I dreamt about being shunned out. Being told I am high maintenance. Being told that people don't like me. That I am not welcomed. That I can not be around people. Did I say it was like I am no longer welcomed. Oh wait I did.
People you were once close with don't seem to want to have anything to do with you. Sure it could very easily be my insecurities telling me these things. The tapes telling me that I am not good enough. That I will never be good enough. Telling me that I did something wrong and that it is always me in the wrong. Playing on the sense of uncomfort when I see that people won't look me in the eyes. That people give me short answers.
It really makes me feel worthless. Makes me feel like I don't matter. That I really don't belong and I shouldn't be trying to fit in. That I will never belong and the feeling that I belonged at one point was just false.
I feel like I need to go crawl into a hole sometimes. To not step out of my comfort zone and act happy. To act like I am not hurting when I see these people. But it really is starting to get harder and harder to hide. I just want to quit all together. I hate feeling like I don't belong.
Some times it feels like everyone pushes me away but mainly lately I feel it with someone I thought I was once close to. That is what hurts the most. I just feel like I want to quit all together but I am not a someone who likes to quit. Not having what we used to have hurts but I know God has His reasons.

I was in the ER this morning

so the past week, week and a half or so I have had this cough. To the point where I would cough then almost barf. It was starting to REALLY HURT. Last night I barely slept and had a coughing attack for almost 45 minutes. My throat was hurting and my chest was tight. When I woke up in the morning at 6:30 to get on with my day I realized that I needed to be seen by a dr. I couldn't catch my breath. My chest felt painful and like someone was crushing it. So after talking to phil I went in. My wonderful husband called in to work and stayed home to watch Cooper and the daycare kid. I thought everything would be fine so I thought he would be back at work. I got home just after 10 feeling like crapola. I am STILL shaking and it is 1pm. Nothing more scarey then not being able to breathe.
So they did a chest xray, some kind of breathing thing and then gave a nebulizer to me so it would open my lungs so I could breathe. The GREAT thing was that MY family dr was the dr on call that day. So I saw him. So that made me feel a bit more comfortable. So the results.....I have an infection in my right lung. He gave me a script, which my wonderful husband is going to get filled now. Phil is staying home. He has dealt with the kids all day. Let me lay down and take it easy. I am a control person and everything needs to be done a certain way but I have totally let go of that today. He is doing such a great job and is taking care of me. God couldn't have given me a better man.

QUACK! QUACK!!

Cooper's a duck.
My dad put Cooper into swimming lessons. Today was the first day. He did really well. Wasn't too fond of being on his back but he went under the water a few times. Even JUMPED off the edge of the pool. He was smiling and everything. SO FUN! Pictures hopefully to come next time.

“We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.” (2 Corinthians 4:7-10 NIV)