Like a child

I am such a little girl sometimes. And quite frankly it scares me. It scares me that because I don't act how a 26 year old "should" act makes me a pathetic person. It scares me that I may loose friendships over it. Yes I am 26 but I sure don't act it. I do really act like a child. I see the looks that people give me. I get self-conscious about whether or not I may be pissing off or embarrassing my friends.
I "played" dress up yesterday and got some good laughs cause Neil was dressing funny too. Yet in the back of my mind I kept wondering if the ones I hold dearest to me in my life would end up rolling their eyes or walking away from me. I started wondering. Did I ever play dress up as a child? Probably. I vaguely remember a box that had some clothes in it. But don't really remember playing around in them. It makes me wonder why I act this way. Growing up I had to set an example for my younger siblings. I was always told, well you're the oldest. I sometimes wonder if the way I act now is just out of pure freedom of being able to act like I can enjoy myself.
Then there are times where someone treats me like a child. They talk down to me or tell me what to do. How to act appropriately and what to so and what not to say. When that happens I feel stupid. Really stupid. I feel that my life needs to be controlled by them and that I need to grow up and act my age. They judge me and for that brief instant they take away my spark. They make me feel inadequate and unworthy. That right there should be enough to stop me but I don't. I still act like a child.
I hope I don't embarrass anyone but at the same time I know I must. They are putting up with me and that is hard enough. My friends accept and love me for who I am, a child or a "proper" adult.
I giggle. I get giddy. I get excited about going to the PNE, the thought of going to Disneyland and even just going out locally either camping or swimming. Those are things that I love doing and the part of me that shows that is the six year old that just can't contain herself.
I am so much like a little kid that it is crazy. I hope that I don't embarrass anyone. I start to think that I might need to change how I act and what I do. Then would it really be me? Would I have this much fun with life? Right now I am having so much fun and it has been a while in the making. Do I sit back and take it when people tell me what to do and talk down to me? Do I let them push me around and tell me how I should and shouldn't act?
I often wonder, this is how God made me isn't it? Does He want me to keep being the child that I feel I am? I am His child but also an adult at that. So do I lose the playfulness? Do I lose who I am just because I am afraid of losing my friends and those that I hold closest to my heart? Do I lose me? Myself?
Like a child I am filled with so many questions and I feel like I have no where to run with them. I have lost the innocence of being a child but do I really need to grow up and act like my age? Do I need to conform to how society would view a 26 year old? Or do I just continue being the way that God made me. I don't know but like a child I am hiding in anticipation of whether or not I am being a proper "example". The resounding answer is no. But do I care? Obviously or else this blog wouldn't have been written. I guess I better go and be a grownup. I just don't really want to lose who I am. I am like a child.