Back from Bowen Island

I think I am still processing it all.

All weekend I wanted to go home. The spiritual battle that I personally think I felt was strong. I knew where each exit was. I was trying to figure out how to take off. The reason I stayed was I had to. I had three people with me, I couldn't abandon them. So I was fighting to stay. I wanted to go home. I wanted to run away.
Then on Sunday I wanted to stay.

I had a group of wonderful ladies pray over me. Things came up that I didn't think were really issues. But they obviously were. Shared about my miscarriage bu something else came up as well. Which I am not yet ready to go into.
I felt stupid for sharing. I felt like I shouldn't be thinking about it. I let what people told me rule. Someone told me I was dwelling so I didn't talk about it. I felt stupid the whole time. But I was held by wonderful women and made to feel safe. I cried like a freaking baby. I was too weak to walk to my room.

Man there are a lot of things to process. I am afraid of loosing any kind of connection that I almost made this weekend.I WANT God back in my life. I WANT to feel Him and hear Him and see Him.

Guess now I am reaching out to people. Or at least trying to. Lots of things bombarded me. But it will be ok.

It was a wonderful weekend with beautiful women. Caring women. God. I can't wait to go back in all honesty. It was great! Don't be surprised if this gets deleted soon. lol

Straight from Thailand

No not the kid :P

But Aunty Sue brought this back for Cooper. There is a tiny bit of pink and if you know me you should know that I am not a pink fan on a boy. But this outfit was REALLY cute. It is apparently a typical Thai school outfit.

He is looking at the TV. Had to get a picture some how. LOL

Happy Anniversary to my Love

Happy Anniversary Phil. You have made me a very happy wife and woman. Thank you for all you do for us. I love you.

THANK YOU NICOLE!!!

A friend of ours, Nicole, came over tonight to watch Cooper so Phil and I could go out for an anniversary dinner.

So Phil and I went out to The Keg. STEAK AND LOBSTER for me!! Phil had steak and crab. We hadn't been to the Keg for a long time. We went once since he proposed 7 years ago. Yes he proposed at the Abbotsford Keg. A night I will never forget. Neither should Michelle and Rod. :P LOL.

Then Phil and I didn't want to wait for a movie. It was too late of a start time and we didn't want to be out TOO late or be gone too long for Nicole. So we went BOWLING! It has been like five years since we had gone.

SO FUN!!

The lights went out, the lasers and music came on as well as the black light. We played two games. It was so fun! We are both sore. LOL.

A very expensive night but we so needed it. It was wonderful.

On Monday we will be celebrating 7 years. Time flies.

Day and night difference!

these pills I am on sure are giving me relief.

The difference is like the title said. Day and Night. I am still sore in my back a bit but I can move, I have more energy AND I can eat just fine! Gonna gain all that weight back. LOL.

Hoping to lie around and do nothing much. Maybe see if I can accomplish vaccuming. Maybe make some cards or do a scrap book page. Or just lay on the couch and watch a movie. LOL.

Downfall, I can't seem to be able to sleep and am dizzy. Can't win it all.

Feeling blah

I am feeling pretty odd.

I don't know what it is.

Today I just feel like I am numb and can't go on. I don't have the strength to take care of one child let alone TWO. While his parents are home sleeping and resting. Yes I am bitter right now.

I feel ungrateful. Phil has taken good care of Cooper. He was basically a single Dad when I was in the hospital. But I feel like I haven't had a day to just lay around and relax. I feel like I am high strung right now. I have been in pain for over a week. I haven't worked out. I have been nauseated for a week and a half. Looks like it may be a UTI but it also may be in my kidneys. On another round of antibiotics. That makes me feel even worse.

I just feel like I can't go on with this. NO I am not depressed, may be feeling a little down and bummed. No I am not going to hurt myself or the kids. I even want Phil to stay home. How selfish is that.

Just one of those days I think.

I need a break. I am selfish. I am drained.

so frustrated

this last week has been such a roller coaster.

Last Sunday the nausea started. Then Tuesday the pain started down by my appendix. Went into the ER because it was so painful. Admitted then discharged the next day because the u/s showed fluid but the appendix was fine. Was told if it got worse then to come back.

Saturday. Took Cooper to the aquarium. It was hard to walk around but I did it for Cooper. It was nice though. Went for lunch then pain started under the bottom of my ribs on the right. Along with the lower right side pain. Started throwing up. Went BACK to the ER. Hooked up to an IV again. Pumped with pain killers and anti-nausea meds. I think I reacted to one but they flushed my system and didn't give it again.

Another ultrasound along with two blood tests, more urine and a CT scan. Sent home because the appendix and gallbladder looked fine but there was an infection of "some sort" so I was put on Sulfa tablets. Came home Sunday.

Fast forward to today. The pain is still there but small in the appendix area. The pain in my gallbladder area is there as well as pain in my kidneys.
I REALLY don't want to go back to the ER. I am so frustrated. I am starting to vomit again. I am shaking, dizzy etc. Can't eat either. I just am not sure what to do now. Trying really hard to ride it out.

I am SOOO freaking frustrated, confused and upset. Don't have strength to cry! Short with Cooper, who is sick with a cold. COME ON! This has to end!

sigh

Pool day today

Did a total of 40 lengths. So if one lap is there and back I did 20. Then I also did 3 sets of 20 reps each of sit ups, heel touch (sit ups but touching the side of your heel as you come up) and reverse crunches. Then I also did 3 sets of 20 reps each of three different arm exercises.

For some reason this is the point where I feel like it is doing nothing. NOW I am finding it hard to keep going. LOL. Loosing some steam but am still determined. Just feeling defeated. Of course there is no difference yet.

I need to continue to push myself and be pushed. Sigh...

Day 7

that was quite possibly the HARDEST workout yet.

I just did a little over a hour of strength training. I was by myself but this time I had an MP3 player full of music. I did 3 sets of EVERY one of my exercises. If it said 2-3 sets of 12-15 reps I did three sets of 15.

I had to do push ups, stairs (4.5 flights), leg lift, heal press, heal lift, medicine ball squats, ball squats (back against a ball against a wall), step up, tricept and bicept curls and I am sure I am missing some.

I was close to tears during my last set of leg presses and lifts. I was so sore and tired. I pushed and pushed through. Then I still had to do two more flights of steps. And then had to do the arm exercises knowing it was my last of the night I pushed through.

Now off to shower, then a hot tub then bed!

First time dealing with someone picking on my son

and I don't think I handled it right. I wasn't sure what to do.

In the summer our church has church in the park. So Cooper plays at this tree. It is low enough the kids climb the bottom bit. Anyway, Uncle Den had given Cooper a leaf. He was playing happily with it while sitting in the tree. Then I look back over and a little girl has a leaf and is tearing it apart. Cooper comes running up to me and says "Mom! Girl leaf! MY leaf" I said, well mommy can't do anything about it you go ask for it back.
So off trots Cooper. He goes up to the girl and I hear clear as day, "leaf back PLEASE." the little girl puts it behind her back. Then Cooper says "MY leaf, back PLEASE" (yes this was all over a leaf but these are kids). She holds it high above her head. The lady sitting next to me looked as shocked as I felt. So I went over to the tree and said, He asked for it back nicely hun. Then reached up and grabbed another leaf for him.

I go back to my seat and the lady smiles at me. Then I am listening to the service but watching the kids like a hawk. Cooper is sitting on the tree and all of a sudden the girl GRABS at the leaf, ripping it in half. I sat there, trying not to go to his defense and letting him deal with it. I hear Cooper yell "NO! MY LEAF" So she grabs at it again and breaks more off, again Cooper yells no. Then she grabs at it again this time Cooper pushed the little girl. She fell backwards down the tree, about two feet. As I saw him push her I was already up running towards her.

The mom comes over and says to Cooper "That was very mean!" I said, "He told her no and she was pushing at him for his leaf"

She says, "No she wasn't. They were playing nicely."

I said whatever. Made Cooper appologize to both the mom and the little girl. He looks at the mom and says "I forry" then the mom says, "well you got your satisfaction" HUH!

I went to put him in time out but he pitched a fit. I think it was because he didn't think he did anything wrong. In MY mind he really didn't but I think I did it more because the mom was watching me. So we went to leave because he wasn't calming down. I went up to the mom and asked if the little girl was ok. She says "she's fine. Tired. Have a better rest of the day" HUH!!!

so we left. I drove a bit up to my mom's because I was really upset. I felt like Cooper was standing his ground and I shouldn't have given him trouble for it. I needed to talk to someone. My mom wasn't home.

I drove back to church, avoided that mother and child and asked the lady next to me what she saw. She said that the little girl was TOTALLY picking on Cooper. I started to tear up, still not sure why, and I said what was I supposed to do! She said that Cooper really didn't do anything wrong. That as mother's we are all defensive of our own child.

I feel like I failed Cooper. I should have stood up to that mom. I should have stood my ground. What kind of a mom am I gonna be when he gets into situations like that. At the car I told him, "Cooper I know you were defending yourself."

He looks at me and says, "mommy, girl leaf"

I said, "she took your leaf and wouldn't give it back."

he said "yes"

I told him that he did a good job of fending for himself and telling her no but to next time use words then come tell mommy if she isn't listening. But I really don't want him to have his mommy stick up for him. What should I have done. I told him I was proud of him for using the words I did hear but next time to not push.

"otay mom"

what would you do? I feel like I failed him, I let him down and I didn't handle it properly.

advice? pointers? tips? I don't believe he was really bad. Was he? He was sticking up for himself.

WARNING VENT

I am trying REALLY HARD to be grateful of where we live. I thank God for the roof over our head and to have a home. I am trying not to complain anymore but this is getting harder and harder. I feel ungrateful but I really am appreciative.

(side note....the tv is buzzing. The "new to us" tv. Oh well, buyer beware!)

So what did I wake up to this morning? My wonderful son coming into the room saying "Mommy! Morning!" That is totally fine it is the other thing that woke me more.

CIGARETTE SMOKE

I am not knocking smokers as people but this is rediculous. The other night we had to shut our windows because the smell of POT was so strong. EVERY morning we get woken up by the neighbour smoking. We shouldn't have to shut our windows and be uncomfortable because they smoke. I am not sure if they "should" do anything either. However, it is getting REALLY annoying. Everyone around us is a smoker. For some reason God isn't getting us out of here either.

Then there is the lady who lives across the way who at EVERY NIGHT between 11 and 11:30 goes onto her porch and works away at making lots of lovely noises. The other night we were both woken by her banging on the railing because she was cleaning an area rug by hand. At 11:30 at night. COME ON NOW!

yeah I am being a crank but there is only so much I can take. sigh.....

day 6 down

I decided I am going to keep writing about it for now because it encourages me.

I am proud of myself to be honest. I was "weak" and had McDonald's for dinner. I was craving it BAD. I only had about 20ish fries though. Had a crispy chicken sandwich but took the mayo off and kept the lettuce and tomato.

Phil asked if I wanted to go to the gym. He knew I was feeling guilty and that I love working out. (remind me of that when I start to complain) So I went. I am glad I did. Here is what I did:

20 minutes on the tread mill. 5 warm up, 15 running
20 minutes on the elliptical.
15 on the stair master (I am trying to move up on that one)

then 3 sets of 20 reps of three different kinds of ab exercises. Crunch, side to side and reverse crunch.

Phil cut me up a peach and I had some water cause after working out I am starving. I have to find something better to have after working out. Off to bed.....I am hoping to sleep well!

Day 5 is done!

I worked in the pool today.

Did 30 laps. 10 butterfly, 10 back stroke and 10 forward kick. Then I did three different arm excersizes in the water. Forward, side to hip (out then in) then back. Did 3 sets of 20.

I am pretty dang sore but feeling confident.

I am now getting to the point where I feel like I am not hungry at all. Like I don't want to eat. I know I have to but dang! LOL!! So my trainer said 10lbs in a month is realistic. I am worried I won't lose those 10lbs but I am trying. Two days off then back to the gym on Friday. Then two days off and then two days hard core. She said that it sounds like a fine plan and will be good to have the resting days. I didn't want to be gone too often from home. LOL. Maybe I will go for a run tomorrow.

My Family

Cooper


Daddy and son moment. My boys


Family picture taken on Sunday. My before I lost all the weight picture. lol

and then there was day 4......

as most of you may know I joined the gym last Tuesday. I have a trainer and everything. Well today was day 4......

WHEW!! I am DEAD! Phil is pouring me a nice HOT bath.

I have always wanted a trainer and I am so glad I have one but Daaaaaaaannnnnnnggggggggggggggg........

She had me do 4.5 flights of stairs. One set of single steps up and one double. Then cross overs with the medicine ball, squats with the big ball, sit ups, step ups, did I say stairs? Bicept curl and tricept press, stairs, and press ups.
There is more but I am SO SORE I can't think.

but I will be honest...DANG I FEEL GOOD! Although I can't move. I come in the door and Phil cuts me up a fresh peach. Runs my bath. I am gonna take two IBproufen and the hot bath then go to bed.

Tomorrow is working out in the pool. Then I am going to take two days off then do cardio on Friday. There will be walking with the kids too. My workout today was 2 hours.

We measured me too because that will be a good thing to go by, better then pounds she said.

This will work! She said I did really good. Kept telling me good job. Said that for how long I was out of working out I was doing really well. I pushed myself as much as I could. I do NOT regret this yet.

I cried quite a bit today.

Church was a very emotional experience for me today. I am not sure why I get so emotional over babies and other things. Too much information following: But it is like every time I get my period it is another slap in the face. I can't tell you how far I should be along. I know I should be into my second trimester though.

I have moments when I feel God or I hear Him but it is pretty much a constant struggle. Today there was a brand new baby at church. She was 8 days old. I talked to the mom about her and then I said, do you think I could hold her. She said sure. I don't know why I WANTED to hold her but I did.

I held that precious little girl and just felt her warm body in my arms and the tears started to fall. I couldn't stop them. The little fingers. The tiny button nose, chubby little cheeks and tiny lips. I just held her tight and brushed her hair with my fingers. She was so sweet and peaceful. It was a hard moment but there is a part of me that wonders if it will be a part of the healing.

Yes to some of you I may be dwelling but I don't think I am. I only allow some times to do it. Please refrain from telling me I am dwelling cause it would be a very hurtful comment. Thank you.

Here is one of the songs from today. Two more will follow soon.

I'll Stand By You

Oh, why you look so sad?
Tears are in your eyes
Come on and come to me now
Don't be ashamed to cry
Let me see you through
cause I've seen the dark side too
When the night falls on you
You don't know what to do
Nothing you confess
Could make me love you less

I'll stand by you
I'll stand by you
Won't let nobody hurt you
I'll stand by you

So if you're mad, get mad
Don't hold it all inside
Come on and talk to me now
Hey, what you got to hide?
I get angry too
Well I'm a lot like you
When your standing at the crossroads
And don't know which path to choose
Let me come along
cause even if you're wrong

I'll stand by you
I'll stand by you
Won't let nobody hurt you
I'll stand by you
Take me in, into your darkest hour
And I'll never desert you
I'll stand by you

And when....
When the night falls on you, baby
You're feeling all alone
You won't be on your own.

I am scared.....is this me too??

I belive in my heart but I am scared I don't feel Him. I worry that people think I am only pretending....I swear I am not....THAT is my secret....

Post Secret

More from The Shack -pg.91

"You must know," he offered, "calling you Papa is a bit of a stretch for me."

"Oh really?" She looked at him in mock surprise. "Of course I know. I always know." She chuckled. "but tell me, why do you think it's hard for you? Is it because it's too familiar for you, or maybe because I am showing myself as a woman, a mother, or...."

"No small issue there," Mack interrupted with an awkward chuckle.

"Or, maybe it's because of the failures of your own papa?"


The main character's wife calls God Papa cause it makes her feel the close intimate bond with Him. I find it hard to call Him Dad, Papa, Father anything. Mine have all let me down. Who says God won't....
Also God appears to this man as a tall black woman.


another one: Page 185

"Mack, just because I work incredible good out of unspeakable tragedies doesn't mean I orchestrate the tragedies. Don't ever assume that my using something mean I caused it or that I need it to accomplish my purposes. That will only lead you to false notions about me. Grace doesn't depend on suffering to exist, but where there is suffering you will find grave in many facets and colors."

Happy Birthday Payton!!

my my little miss! You sure have grown!! We miss you.... LOVE YOU and Happy Birthday!!
*disclaimer* The first two were not taken by me.....

The Shack by William P. Young

I have just started to read this book. I was always afraid of it cause I have heard that it can pull you deep and bring out emotions. I didn't want to read it but then when it was suggested to me ONCE AGAIN I decided to pick it up.
I am going to share something from page 114. It rings VERY true for me. Like the author is reading my mind. There will be another entry later on as I am sure there will be many other entries. I found something further on in the book as well but this one is one I want to share right now. At this moment.

"Jesus?" he whispered as his voice choked. "I feel so lost"

A hand reached out and squeezed his, and didn't let go. "I know, Mack. But it's not true. I am with you and I'm not lost. I'm sorry it feels that way, but hear me clearly. You are not lost."

I hope you're right," Mach said, his tension lessened by the words of his newfound friend. "


That really hit home for me. It is like I could have written those words that Mack said. I hope that what "Jesus" said there is right too. To actually NOT be alone and not feel so lost would be nice. To picture that God may be saying to me, "I am sorry it feels that way..." makes me feel that maybe He really does hear me. That maybe I don't know how to turn on my listening ears to Him.
The book is hard for me to read. I take it chapter by chapter, resting in between to "think". But a change needs to happen. I NEED to feel God. I NEED to feel loved, accepted and safe. I NEED it. I NEED GOD.....