At a loss for words

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Those of you that know me well enough know that this is a rare time for me. To feel lost to words. Enjoy it. It rarely happens. I am sure my poor husband enjoys it. Maybe it is the lack of sleep. Maybe it is the over processing of things on my mind but either way I am at a loss.
Actually I am not sure if it is just a loss for words. I almost feel too that I am lost and not listening when I need to be listening. Make any sense?
Last night during my wakeful period I took the opportunity to talk to God. Asked Him if there was a reason why I was awake specifically. Do You need me to pray Lord? Was a common question. Not sure I heard the answer. Then I even asked what I was doing wrong and why I couldn't get sleep. Right now as I am sitting here typing this I think I got my answer. I didn't do anything wrong persay. My back is keeping me up. So are my thoughts. Then the thoughts go into overdrive so to speak. Then you get frustrated cause you can't fall back asleep or asleep at all. Then that just makes matters worse.
In my heart I know and feel that I long to have more of God in me. Showing through me. To be confident in Him and to have the faith and trust in Him. Cause in actuality that is the safest place I can be. But for some unknown reason to me I fight it. Sometimes I am not even aware that I am doing so. I am pretty sure He knows that point that I fight with. He knows that I love Him and a part of me almost just needs to be broken and just to trust. I have been, and in my eyes am being, broken. With no other choice but to trust Him. To have that faith in Him. Why don't I feel it? Why is this a moment when I feel like I can't hear Him right now. I know He didn't go away. I know that He is still there and it hurts me to know that I am the one that is choosing the decision to not hear Him when I should seek Him in all I do. Maybe I need a hearing aid. Maybe a spiritual increase in volume. How the heck can I achieve that?
I know that not everyday will be spent on the tops of the mountain and a lot of days may just be spent in the valley. I am where He wants me to be. Just not where I thought I would be.
So, I guess I found something to write about. Maybe I am not as lost as I think I am. Scattered, yes, but I blame it on the lack of sleep and the pain when I breathe. I am just a big baby. Sometimes it would be nice just to shut my own thoughts and my brain off. To not need to think. To not have the words. I just find that such a lonely place to be.
Ok. Leaving now as I am sure I made no sense and I bored most of you. Hehehe. Time to not think.