A mile a minute....

That has been my brain lately. It has been going even faster then usual. I had a hard time shutting it off last night and got just five hours of sleep. Of course when I was trying to sleep I had this blog all figured out. But now I am here, up for the day and I forget most of it. But still going to get some things out.

I keep wondering WHY I lost two babies. Yet I know that I will never know that answer and I need to let go and let God.

I do take life way too seriously and I need to learn to laugh more. Believe it or not I used to laugh a lot. I never used to be so serious so I found myself praying for that last night.

The biggest thing that I have done over the last month, about two weeks or so, is write letters. The old fashioned way. I sat down and wrote letters to people I was angry at. Yeah, those were long letters. I was advised to write them then rip them up. I was given the advise then I think it took me almost two weeks (maybe a little more then a week) to finally write them. When I was asked if I had written them I had to sheepishly admit that no I hadn't.
I will admit it. I was a skeptic. How the HECK would writing letters and not sending them help me. I thought it was kind of useless. I thought it would do me no good. What was the point? How would writing these letters, ripping them up and throwing them out help me to get rid of anger? Yeah sure....I'll get right on that. I was hugely skeptical and even asked HOW this would help. HOW I should do this. etc etc etc.
But once I was asked if I had written them I figured that it was time. I was asked if they were written during a time that I was having an angry day. Trust me it was not pretty. Panic/anxiety attacks coming from no where. Then of course I had asked my doctor, after telling her about the attacks and such, if it was MY fault I lost the baby. In between tears I asked if my attacks, my stress, was the reason WHY I lost the baby. She kindly looked at me and said it was not your fault. That having that stress, especially so far in the begining of the pregnancy would not do any harm. That in itself lifted a burden from my shoulders.
So anyway.....
I wrote these damn letters. The whole time grumbling and grunting about how this was going to do me no good. Yeah, I got out a page and a half front and back. All my anger was staring me in the face on this piece of paper. Almost like it was mocking me. I re-read the "letter" and then as I was reading it I felt like I had gotten out all I needed to say. I thought I would cry writing it but I didn't. I was more angry. Just sheer anger, frustration and hurt. No tears.
Then I ripped it up and threw it out.
The next step was writing a letter of forgiveness. Yeah sure.....I'll get right on that! LOL! The talking on my end to this person was endless. How can I write these letters of forgiveness when I really don't FEEL it. I don't FEEL like forgiving. I was told that it was not what I FEEL it was an action that I needed to preform. I was appreciative of the help I was getting and trusted this person completely but then I found myself once again thinking yeah; alright....I'll get right on that.
God forgave ME not because I deserve it but because He loves me and He wants me to be free and happy. I hope I got that part right. Lord knows I do not deserve any forgiveness.
So I asked how to do it. It was simple. I was to write...I forgive you for.....
HOLY SMOKES that ended up being a page in of itself. As I was writing it I was letting it all go. I was letting myself not hold onto this anymore. I was not going to let the anger control me anymore. Once the letters were done I re-read them and a weight was lifted. I read it out loud. Lord knows that in my heart I have a hard time believing it but I chose to do the action of forgiving and asking God to help me to let it go even if I didn't feel it.
Are you angry? Are you hurting? Write a letter! DON'T send it though. It is between you and God. It was a bonding moment for me and a freeing moment. From that moment I wasn't as angry anymore.
Until last Wednesday. Oh dear did anger come out and short patience. I am ashamed to admit it. But this time around I REALIZED where it came from. It came from me! I held in any emotion, any tears and any pain in my heart the whole week. I wasn't meant to hold in that pain. It came out on Thursday, and then I felt numb Friday. But it was more light hearted. Feeling safe that I had let out the emotion and I wasn't stupid for having those feelings. For letting them go. I was safe. God's arms were around me, there was a hedge of protection in that room, in that ER. I was ok.

I think too much. I am a sensitive person and am guilty of taking things too seriously. Does God want me walking around taking things seriously? Does He want me to try to sit here and figure out all the answers? Does He want me to beat myself up and think about how I could have prevented things? Does He want me to let my hurt and anger control my life anymore? I could only come up with ONE ANSWER......NO.....

I believe He wants me to be happy. He wants me to laugh, to sing and to dance. He wants me to enjoy life. I am not meant to carry burdens or hurts from the past, the present or the future. I can't control any of it! Only God has the strength to carry those burdens. Thankfully HE has the strength to do so. Thankfully HE IS GOD. Thankfully HE is so patient, kind and loving.

I have a lot to learn. My brain needs to slow down and not go so fast. I need to realize that I don't and won't have all the answers. I am not meant to have the answers. I will more then likely never know the answers until I meet Him in Heaven. Sure I think I will have tons of questions but at the same time I bet that will probably be the only moment that I am truly speechless.

So time to just slow down, take each day as it comes, not let hurts and anger control my life. Time to give myself credit and laugh. To not think I am a loser, that I don't deserve to be happy. Because God thinks I am deserving of so much more. Now that this is out I feel lighter again. I feel like I can sing and dance. I want to dance on a mountain top. Maybe I should go for a hike today.....

I am going to CHOOSE to be happy. I am going to CHOOSE to forgive. I am going to CHOOSE to dance. I am going to CHOOSE to live and love. This will be hard for some cases and some things but I am going to CHOOSE to do the right thing and to not let things pull me under anymore. We'll see how well this goes. We'll see if I can stand up and stick to what I choose. Time to stand my ground, defend myself and not let myself feel walked over. It is going to be hard in so many areas but God is with me. He will guide me and hold me when I fall. I wonder if He has the net out and is ready yet......