Trying to stay and be positive.

I have been trying to change lately. I have been trying to be a positive person.

I had a friend ask me how I was doing. I said I was doing fine. She said, really? I said yes, actually I think I am.

I wanted to try to fight the depression without pills. I still don't know if it will work or not but I only take it day by day. She asked how I was feeling after the miscarriage. Fine I said. Really? Yes, really.

Here's the thing:

If I didn't test early I would not have known. Although the hurt is still there as well as the pain I am ok. I know that it just wasn't God's will. He was telling me "Not yet". I don't think He will say no but it will be in HIS timing not the timing that I think is good.

She asked me how I was doing it. I said, really the only way I can do all of this is leaning on God. That leaning on Jesus and trusting in Him is the only thing I CAN do. But I am ok with that. He has the strength to pull me through. I am learning coping mechanisms, reading about boundaries and filling my mind and heart with Christ's love. What could be better?

Filling my head with His truth. With scripture to work through things. Finally starting to understand how the Sword of the Spirit works. I can't just expect God to take away the depression, to take away hurt, to make pain disappear but I can fill my heart and mind with His word to FIGHT against it all.

Lord fill me up....I am loving learning more about you. I am loving that YOU are in control. Forgive me for trying to be god and being in control of my own life because I am not. Help me to lean on You and be with You with my whole heart. I am trying, I really am.

"I know you are baby. You are doing well, I am pleased"

Really God? You are pleased even though I am still struggling? Even though I don't know what I am doing?

"Yes baby, you are trying. You are reaching to me, feeling Me, and pulling me further into you. That is what I long for. That is what I have always wanted for us. No matter the struggle you feel I am here, I always have been and I always will be."

I am really leaning on you God and honestly YOU are the only thing pulling me through. Not by my own strength but by yours.

"I am God. I am big enough to take this on. I am big enough to hold your tears, your anger, your love, your confusion and your hurt. I want all of you. I need all of you. I am pleased with you."

Thank you Lord. I can do this. I will do this. But only with your help.....