This past week.....

has been yet another difficult one for me. Quite the emotional roller coaster.

*Warning for all you male readers....talk about blood :P *

Last Friday, the 8th I got a positive pregnancy test. YAY! Your thinking right? Wrong....Sunday I started to spot a bit. But was told because of the color and stuff that it was probably implantation. Then Monday my world came crashing down....

Lots of bleeding on Monday. Then came the clots and tissue Monday night until Wednesday evening. I know that may be hard for some to read and people may wonder WHY I am writing about this. WHY am I writing about this? Yes it hurts me but what if somewhere someone else is having the same struggle and God directs them here. You know it can happen. What if my experiences help someone to think that they are NOT alone in this.....

So I had an appointment with my doc on Thursday. She is probably one of the best doctors you would ever meet. She is a Christian and boy is her light ever bright! She is very positive and will make you laugh no matter what the situation.
Anyway, she did an internal and said my uterus didn't FEEL pregnant. (I didn't know that a uterus could feel pregnant. LOL) She checked my ovary, where the pain was. I was having pain for a few days but it was tolerable although on Thursday it had gotten worse. As had the dizziness and light headedness (is that a word). Anyway she touched the area and man I couldn't even cry it hurt so bad. There was like no tears left to cry. She said that although my tubes felt fine and such but she wanted to send me to the ER just in case it could be an ectopic pregnancy.

Let's back track a bit. I have usually been dizzy here and there but the passing out feeling was new. I thought that it would go away but it didn't.
So in I went on Thursday. She called over to the ER asked who the doctors were that were on and asked to speak to one of them. So she talked to one and told him all about me and that she will send me directly to him and if I needed any forms. She was told no forms were needed.
So she sat down and prayed with me. Get this....in there was the verse that I used to hate SO much but now I find is pulling me through. In her own words she had phrases from Jer. 29:11. When she prayed for the ER doc I felt a calm and peace. I was blubbering like a flipping fool but it was ok in her office. She was ok with it. I pushed down all my emotions all week and that is what you get, it all comes out at once.
anyway....long story even longer.....going to skip some stuff....
I got into the ER. Had to do the whole strip thing and the nurse put an IV in my arm. While saying that my veins did look a little deflated. Whatever that means. So the doctor came in. A sweet and caring man and ordered the blood work my doc wanted done. So there I lay in this little room, 4 walls and cold. (Yeah as a friend joked they put me in isolation, I was a danger to the other patients. LOL) The nurse was sweet and got me WARM blankets. It was so nice. I was scared, nervous and alone. Lots of tears, repeating Jer. 29:11 a lot. My dreaded verse has now become my saving verse. I couldn't pray anymore. I had prayed for the docs, for my doc, for the nurses, and for strength. I had no strength left. I was broken. I lay there in tears, holding my cross on my necklace because I had no words. Then I felt Him. I felt Jesus come, lay behind me and put His arms around me and whisper "be still child, be still" then the next thing I knew it was a couple hours later and the doc was back. Not sure if I did end up passing out because of feeling so light headed or if it was the meds or both.
He said my HCG was 5. So that the baby was lost. He was compassionate when he said it. Then he said he was going to keep me over night for an u/s the next morning.

The next afternoon I got my u/s. It was the SAME lady who did my u/s for the last pregnancy in Chilliwack. Can you say, GOD!! She was such a kind lady and was brought into my life then for the kindness and support and then brought back yesterday.
The fallopian tubes were clear, looks like everything was passed on it's own. The doc said that I was more then likely not pregnant but that is what confuses me. I believe 110% that life begins at conception. A positive is a positive. 5 is just under the limit and that was done 6 days AFTER my positive test. More then enough time to be going out of my system from all the bleeding.

but anyway....all in all I am ok. I got an email this morning and it hit the nail right on the head
"you may be going through a tough time right now but God is getting ready to bless you in a way that you cannot imagine."
that is what I keep thinking. That somewhere, sometime I will meet this perfect child that God wants for me. That He decides each of these last two times that it just wasn't right. That is the only thing keeping me holding on. Last loss I was angry, this loss I am more just leaning on God. Sure I am angry. But I am hurt and trusting.
Like I was told, God doesn't GIVE bad things. Bad comes through the enemy and through the world. I have to stop blaming myself (easier said then done) for the loses and must have Faith. Having that faith is getting easier for me. I love how someone dear to me looks at God. God is their best friend, they hang out with Him, they chat with Him. I am working on that.
So although I am hurting I am hopeful and holding faith.
I blocked a lot of emotions this last week and it came out in the end as a flood of tears and anger. I felt foolish sitting there in front of my doctor crying my face off. But I was made to feel safe.
I am so thankful for the wonderful doctors and nurses that surrounded me and supported me. That was definately God.
Sorry this got so long but if you read this far thank you. It helps to get it out and talk. I am sure there is going to be a lot of talking on my end soon. Sigh....

*The doctors names and nurses names are kept confidential due to the fact that I have not asked permission from them to post their names. Although they were great doctors and nurses, in essence a great team, I will not repeat their names unless I am told by them to do so.*

I really hope that my story helps others. I have been deeply hurt with this and by other things during this time but I have the faith.
God I am weak so I lean on you....

"Lean Child lean, I am strong enough to hold you. I have enough buckets to hold your tears. I am here...."