ups and downs

I have good days and bad days.

I have noticed when I wake up angry with the world and stop to pray it has really helped. I just have to STOP and remember to do it...

Today I held a baby at mom's group. It is the first time I have been to mom's group in a couple months. Just circumstances didn't allow me to go and then the loss made me want to stay away from every one!
This sweet little boy stayed sleeping in my arms. It was hard to listen to people talking about the person being pregnant next to me but I was so happy for her at the same time. I looked down at this perfect baby boy and just smiled while I tried to fight the tears. Feeling like a FOOL the whole time.

I have been hearing and seeing God, just not allowing myself to acknowledge it. The enemy and my own thoughts really throw me for a loop a lot. I LOVE pregnant bellies, I love new babies (babies period).

I have noticed that I have been doing something VERY new to me. I have been taking things day by day. Step by step. Emotion by emotion. I have been re-reading "The Shack" again. Well trying to at least. I don't think about tomorrow. I don't think about tonight or four months down the road. I try not to think about it at least. I try to just take everything as it comes.

Right now it is a battle, most of life is. I am battling my own thoughts and trying to control a situation, which I am succeeding at because it is the ONE place I can control. Or so *I* think.

I guess there is really not much to say. Just that I have the ups and downs. But I KNOW better and I KNOW God is here. That He will help me through. I realize a little that He does have enough love for me. He must.....Maybe He is trying to tell me He doesn't love me any less or think of me as a failure although I sit beating myself up. There just seems like I have so much I need to do. So many areas to improve. So there is ups and downs. There is good and bad. There are moments. But I keep going day by day. If not for me then for my son and husband. Day by day. Prayer by Prayer.

I can't believe it!

Three years ago today God gave us the MOST AMAZING gift. As of 6:40 this morning my special little boy "officially" turned 3!

wow how time has flown....

seconds after being born


all cozy



this morning opening presents:


"do I have to take a picture?"


half smile


blowing out his candle


the birthday pancake. Which he promptly freaked out at because it wasn't normal. He normally doesn't like sweets. Oops...

Foul Mood

this morning I woke up in an absolutely FOUL mood.

I was pissy and grumpy.

Then before I even left my bedroom I stopped. I don't normally do this but today I did. I stopped and thanked God. Thanked Him that His mercies are new every morning and that it goes for me too. Then I asked Him for help to not be in such a crappy mood and so pissy. I prayed for strength.

Then I felt a little lighter. I didn't feel *as* pissy as I was. Sure things are still frustrating me, making me angry and making me feel over whelmed but this morning I am actually able to stop. To stop and just breathe. I haven't been able to do that yet.

I really hope that I am able to continue this throughout the day. I take things day by day. I am not trying to look too far in to the future. I feel over whelmed at all the stuff I have to clean and do. But then I think I hear God say, "One thing at a time. One thing at a time."

so thankfully God grants us His mercies new every morning. I know He is going to give me the strength to get through the day. Through all this crap. I just KNOW it in my heart. I just have to tell my mind to believe it.

I stopped and prayed. I felt the calm. I just hope I can keep remembering to stop and pray all day. Thank you Lord. You are so good. Thank you that you haven't given up on me.

"I will be calm and no longer angry." Ezekiel 16:42

I realized something this morning

I used to think I WANTED God to break me. I wanted to be broken to the point where I could ONLY rely on God.

The thing is I think I may be there a little. But do I lean on God? I don't think so. I try but the other thoughts are so much louder. So much easier to believe.

I am thankful though that He is still here. Still trying. Still pursuing...

I have seen Him here and there during these times. I just need to lean on that again rather then letting the darkness tell me lies. So much easier to just say "do it" then to be able to actually DO IT. In the moment.

I have had problems turning to God a bit. I try to pray but I fail at that. Yet God keeps coming through and reminding me that He is still here. No matter how I feel like I can't hear Him or that I can't talk to Him. He is still talking to me.

I am pretty dang sure I am broken. Even if it is partially. I wanted it but now that it is here I am calling myself a liar. I am not so sure I really want it anymore.

"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness'" (2 Cor 12:9)

"By Your Side"

This song resonated today.....God is here. Thankfully. I just have to strive to remember....

Why are you striving these days
Why are you trying to earn grace
Why are you crying
Let me lift up your face
Just don't turn away

Why are you looking for love
Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough
To where will you go child
Tell me where will you run
To where will you run

And I'll be by your side
Wherever you fall
In the dead of night
Whenever you call
And please don't fight
These hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you

Look at these hands and my side
They swallowed the grave on that night
When I drank the world's sin
So I could carry you in
And give you life
I want to give you life

(Chorus 2x)

Cause I, I love you
I want you to know
That I, I love you
I'll never let you go.

~ Tenth Avenue North

(Chorus 2x)

Three Strikes and.............

Yoooooooooooooooooou're OUT!

That is the constant saying that goes over and over in my own mind. This is not going to be a pleasant blog but I am hoping that by writing it I may be able to help myself. Maybe there might be someone else struggling with the same and understand. I still am not sure why I am sitting here writing this.

I FEEL like am a failure. I feel like I have let God down, my husband down, my son down, myself down and the child I could not carry to term. If you caught that, that is right I had another miscarriage. This baby I made it all the way to about 6 weeks 4 days. That is if I count it as when the bleeding first started.

I feel deflated, broken, hurt, angry, confused. Come on, three IN A ROW! What the hell! Then when I told someone about it they immediately started asking what was wrong, what is wrong with my body, why I can't carry another child to term. I said that I didn't know and asked for it to be dropped. I can beat myself up on my own without any help thankyouverymuch. I don't need any more help. I am doing a good enough job and Satan sneaks in there every moment.

I feel so numb that I can't pray. When I try praying I can't find the words. Just when I figured that I was holding it all together enough the tears squeak out. I just can't seem to keep them at bay.

My pastor this weekend was talking about grieving. I can tell you that I cried an awful lot that day. I tried to hide it but it couldn't stay hidden. He said that when he does funeral services he is glad to see those that are openly spilling their grief and tears and anger. He said it is the ones who keep to themselves and try to hold it all together that he worries about the most. But how can you NOT hold it all together. How can you try not to keep it together? I have to. I have a house to run. A house that is falling apart because I am trying to check out. He said that those who try to hold it all together are the ones who will end up having it come out sideways. That is the only thing I worry about.

I even found myself wanting to do something that would take away the pain. That will help me check out. But I can't. I have a toddler. I can't sleep at night anymore. I fall asleep angry, I wake up angry and on the verge of tears. I don't want to keep crying but I can't guarantee when they will or will not come. I really don't have an appetite but have forced myself to eat.

Then like a cruel joke my stupid belly stares at me. As I double over in pain my belly still looks swollen a bit. I was already swollen and puffing out in the belly area just prior to the loss. I am blessed to have had and have caring people on my side but I just don't know what to do. I can't take it anymore. I want to just check out. My hope is gone. I wait three months each time in between just to lose another one. Time and time again. I have said sorry so many times. I have been told that it is not my fault. How can it NOT be? It is my body. My body that is failing the baby. I can't seem to be able to bring these little angels to term so I fail God. I feel like I can't even talk to Him because I am so embarrassed. I can't find the words.

I know He has come to me a few times. I know He is there. I still hear Him. He has told me He is carrying me. That He hurts because I am hurting. But I push Him away. What kind of daughter does that? I guess you can say a hurting one.

I feel like I am out of the ball game. I feel like I just can't do this anymore. I don't want to wait another three months just to lose another one. But then part of me wonders why I even bother trying! I can't do this. I need something to just sleep for a week. You add all the emotions on top of not being able to sleep and you have me. Just on edge. My family is suffering. I don't deserve to be around them. They don't need me as a mother and a wife. I am on edge and I don't know how to come off. Part of me just wants to jump.

I really don't know where this is leading. Just a lot of hurt. Pain. Anger. I wish I could turn to God but I just don't know how right now. I do know that I find myself holding Cooper a little tighter and thanking God a little more for him.

APRIL FOOL'S!

I really find this a pointless day myself but some people do the jokes and stuff.

I am thinking that God has a sense of humor.

Today we are expecting some snow flurries. It has already hit Maple Ridge and Langley. Come on it is April!

Makes me wonder if God is up there just laughing away. Good one!

Choosing to live

The last few days I have heard a lot about dying to this world and choosing to live in Christ. I don't fully understand it to be honest. My mind has been a whirlwind of thoughts in this matter. I just can't seem to be able to understand it all.

I am pretty sure that the day I chose to accept Christ in to my heart I was choosing to live. Live in God's world. Live through His word. But lately I have been wondering if I do it.

I try to do the right things. I try to put others first. I am pretty sure I follow the ten commandments but sometimes I really wonder if I am really LIVING in Christ. I am so lost with this that it isn't even funny!

I know that right now I am going through some emotions and things that I am not ready to talk about but I am trying to fight. I am trying to trust God. To have faith in Him. However, I find myself fighting it. Giving in to the worldly thoughts, fears and worries. I go back to my old habits of worrying myself sick. I have to stop myself many times a day to pray. I am trying to get through it. I don't know how many times I have cried out to God. I can't count how many times I keep saying sorry. Sorry that I am not trusting. Sorry that I am trying to hold on. Sorry that I just don't understand. Thank God that He knows my heart. Because my mind gets in the way and muddles everything up. My heart wants all of Him. I want to live in Him, in His word.

I make goals but I don't keep them. I fail time and time again. Does He throw His hands in the air and say, "ah forget it. This one is a lost cause." Nope, He digs His heels in and holds me close as I try to fight it and run away. He digs in for the long haul. He wants me. He wants all of me. He has my heart. I trust Him more then anything in this world but my worldly mind tries to control things. To figure out and think about outcomes that are beyond my control. It needs to be all about Him. It needs to be all Him. I need God and His strength. So is that choosing to live in Him?

I want to live in Christ. I want to teach my son to choose God and to die to this world but how can I teach Him when I feel so lost myself? Guess this needs to be something I have to look up today....

I say I am choosing to live. Am I? Am I really? When I fight and when I worry is that failing? Is that giving in to this world? sigh....

told you my brain was muddled and confused!

Primetime with God - Daily devotional

seems rather fitting YET AGAIN!

by Os Hillman
"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness" (2 Corinthians 12:9).


If you've ever been through a major crisis, you probably know what a communications "black hole" feels like. While you are in the pit of adversity, you feel that your world is collapsing, that your life is out of control--and that God is silent. The silence of a black hole is deafening. You feel isolated and alone. You question God's love, His care for you, and even His existence.

But even when it seems that God is distant and silent, your "heat shield" is still there, firm and reliable. In your black hole experience, God is teaching you to go deeper into your relationship with Him. You may think that your life is out of control and burning like a meteor, but in reality God, your heat shield, still protects you from the fiery forces that surround you.

Verse from this morning

"For nothing is impossible with God" (Luke 1:37)

Trust

So lately the big word that has been reoccurring for me is the word Trust. I don't trust easily unless I feel the right connection and then sometimes I trust too easily. A lot of the time that trust ends up being broken in one way or another. However that is what happens. We are only human after all.

Today I went up to "take the plunge" after church. For prayer to help trust God and to be patient and have the faith. This nice lady came and prayed with me. I think it is great when I get to hear people pray. You get to hear all the different ways God leads people to speak to Him on our behalf.

She had her arm behind me, kind of stopped me from falling backwards a bit as I was feeling dizzy. She asked me to close my eyes and just to picture Jesus. So I did. She asked what I felt or saw, I said that I felt His arms around me and He pulled me close to His chest. She asked me if I could feel His heart beat. I said I was pretty sure that I could. Then she asked me to listen to God. Asked what I heard. I said I heard "trust". She said that it was a big word.

So she continued to pray and talk to God. She asked that He talk to me and that I could hear Him clearly. Then she asked me if I could hear Him. I said yes. She asked what He said.
He told me "I will not abandon". She said that was a big one too. Then we thanked God for His words. She asked me to look in His eyes. She said, can you do that? I said no.

"why?" she asked

"Because He is too big for me to look at His eyes and I just want to keep my head on His chest right now."


Needless to say that was amazing. I loved it. I NEED to trust God. I need to be calm and just relax in Him. I find it hard as my mind takes over and goes in to over drive. I think way too much and have problems over analyzing things. I am taking things day by day. Trying really hard to. My life is in God's hands and it always will be. I am thankful that He pursues me and continues to love me in all my flaws.

I am trying really hard and I know my heart wants to trust but my mind gets in the way. This shouldn't be so hard so I try to hand it over to God. This morning I felt His presence as tears fell during a very powerful song. I felt tingles in my hands and warmth come over me as His wonderfully loving Holy Spirit washed over me. Whispering to trust. Telling me He is there.

I will trust. No matter how hard I have to work to fight off my own brain. A wonderful journey and feeling.

Had this come to my mind last night as I was praying

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight." Prov. 3:5-6

the trip was great!

we have been back for about a week now but I just didn't know what to write. Imagine that!

I needed that break too. I don't feel AS attacked as before I left. It was a great time with all my family. Most of the family seperated to do the bigger rides but Phil and I stayed with Cooper. We had a blast.

Cooper loved the teacups. Well, basically anything that went round and round. Mommy didn't like it so much. But it was all worth it for him. Daddy and I were burned and we arrived at LAX to go home only to find our plane was delayed due to SNOW!

He did great traveling. No major melt downs the whole time. He really liked Mickey. here are a couple pics.

safe in his carseat on the plane


round and round on the tea cups.


hanging on to daddy because it was going so fast. (I just kept my eye in the view finder. lol)


family shots.
with Mickey


with Woody and Jessie


and how can I forget Cooper's FAVORITE! He loves McQueen and Mater. He was hesitant to touch him at first. Like "could this really be real!" but then was super excited when he did touch him. That was a highlight for him as well as Daddy and I.

SWEEEEEEEEEEEEEET!

in less then 12 hours I will be waiting for our airplane. In 12.5 hours I will be loading the carseat on to the plane and getting ready to fly.

we are packed and ready to go.

Heading to DISNEYLAND! All expenses (except for spending $) are paid. I am so excited. There will be pictures when we get back. I hope Cooper likes it!

BYE BYE Blog world!!

Some words I need to focus on

and it is ME that needs to learn to just hold fast to the scripture.

"If God is for us, who can be against us?" Romans 8:31

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28

"For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 8:38-39

I really have nothing more to say. My mind is a muddle of mush and I don't even want to be in there! sigh......

You are NOT worthy

that sentence from the enemy rings so loud and true in my own mind right now. Tonight I tried sharing what was on my heart and everyone got up and walked out. I am sure it was unintentional and they must not have realized I was sharing but it hurt me deep. Last night a friend got up and walked out on me because of a disagreement.

I have slowly been letting my walls back down, slowly starting to let people in but it has turned out to just bite me in the ass. It breaks my heart when people walk out on me. It proves to me that I am NOT worthy.

God is fighting for me telling me I am worthy. Yet the actions of others ring loud and feel true. It hurts. It hurts bad. I can't stand being hurt. I am sure no one can really.

So standing up for myself has only caused conflict and made me to feel even more unworthy then before. I feel so hurt and lost that I really don't know what to do. I know the enemy is playing on it and having a hay day with it. I will make sure I try to reach to God but right at this moment I feel so lost that I don't know how to.

I am not worthy.

Yes I AM.

sigh..........what is the truth? God.

Risk - Part two

Sure every day we take risks. You risk getting in to the car when you go to drive some where. You risk that every night you wake up the next morning. Last night I heard some talk on risk. On taking those risks. That in essence risk = faith. So true.

I am not the type that likes to take risks. Depends upon what it is but I am not one who likes confrontation or new things. Yet usually these "new things" end up being good things. Walking with God is a Risk we choose to take. My heart wants it all soooo bad. Yet I can hear myself standing there arguing.

Risk is faith. Having the faith to do something that scares you or you are not comfortable with is sometimes a hard thing to over come. Last night I took the "risk" of going to this place where I knew no one. I knew OF three people. I was uncomfortable. I was scared. I was feeling alone. I had someone pray with me and tell me that I was welcomed and to allow myself to feel His love and feel His arms wrap around me. At the end we were invited up for prayer if we wanted it. I swear she looked RIGHT AT ME and it pierced through to my heart. Like God was telling me, "baby, get up. Go and ask for prayer. You are safe here."

"But I don't want to. I barely know these women. It is out of my comfort zone. It is stretching me too thin and I really, really don't want to be broken."

"I am stretching you so that you can see that I am here to support you. I am here to guide you and give you the peace that your heart so desperately desires. Stop fighting it and trust me baby. Trust me."

"I am scared."

"I know you are but trust me I am that risk that is worth taking. You will never regret it."

So what did I do? I stood up and went up to talk to them. Just to talk, not to ask for prayer, not to let myself be vulnerable. Not to allow the risk of showing my hurts, my pain, my fears. But GOD allowed it. I felt like a complete moron! I barely know these people. They are going to think I am psycho. They are going to think that I belong in a nut house. They are going to hate me and not want to be near me or around me. All lies from the devil. He is a tricky bugger. Makes it so that you BELIEVE his damn lies and you stay in that comfort zone, you don't let people in. You keep up those walls. You knock yourself down. After all he doesn't want you to get close to God because that will defeat him. He wants you to stay stuck. To not feel like YOU are a risk worth taking.

So I took the risk. Was it worth it? I think it might have been. Although I do find myself sitting wondering if I said the wrong words, if I blubbered like an idiot, if I looked stupid for crying. But what is God doing? Telling me to stop. Telling me that He is PROUD of me for taking that risk. I can't believe it. HE IS PROUD OF ME. Really? Why? I may not get a clear answer there but I think all these steps are a part of my journey. My little bit of hell and struggle. He is the light in this hell, the warmth in this cold room, the arms that carry me when I can not walk anymore.

I am scared. I am very scared. Fear stops me. It always has. Unless it is to protect someone else I am not worth taking that time to protect or to grow. But my heart wants to grow. It wants to take the risk. I know that God is worth it. I am slowly starting to understand that He really does love me. His arms pulled me close last night and held me. His words of kindness engulfed me. He made me to feel safe. I am safe in Him. I just have to step out of my box and take this risk. The risk to love. After all He sent His son as a step of Risk to save us. To save me. To save you. So if God really thinks that I am in fact worth it, then I need to know in my heart that God is worth it.

So I gingerly take the risk. I gingerly take the step. I am looking for the window out. I am wanting and needing healing. I can't go on much more the way I am. It can't get much worse in my heart. So as I sit here today I ask God,
help me to please take the risk that you are worth. Help to guide me. To keep me strong, to allow myself to be weak and vulnerable. To know that You are there. You will protect me. Thank you. Help me because I cannot do it on my own. Thank you for taking a risk on me. It is my turn to return the favor.

Risks are scarey.....fear sucks.....God is worth it. I am worth it. I CAN be free in Him.

Risks....

there are some that are worth taking.

more to come on this. Just needed to write it down before I forget. So much to sort out in my own head before I can even begin to make sense of it. I don't know if I ever will. But hearing a message tonight on risk hit home.

"The LORD is good, a refuge in time of trouble. He cares for those who trust in Him." ~Nahum 1:7

Risks....

there are some that are worth taking.

more to come on this. Just needed to write it down before I forget. So much to sort out in my own head before I can even begin to make sense of it. I don't know if I ever will. But hearing a message tonight on risk hit home.

Feeling AHHHHHHH

The last few days I have been feeling a lot of bitterness and anger. This morning was and is no exception.

I don't know what is going on. I don't know if this is the enemy or not. I do know that today I have to make sure I dive in to the gospel. I have to.

I am ready to make some flipping heads FLY. I haven't been sleeping well. Can't get a nap in either. Last night the last time I remember seeing was 11:30. Only to be WOKEN up at 2:30 by the neighbors above me MOVING FURNITURE. Who the HECK moves furniture at 2:30 in the morning. I am thinking of heading up there today or making Phil. I should have gone storming up there this morning. Phil was woken by it but fell back asleep. I, on the other hand, did not. I fell asleep at 5:30, only to be woken by my GRUMPY child at 5:47 (yes exactly, looked at the clock). Throwing a fit because he didn't want to go back to bed. He didn't want to potty etc. He did go back to bed only to wake up at 6:20. Then up for the day. So I am running on about 4 hours of sleep. I don't know how people do it. I can't do it. Then you add a headache from not getting sleep, a sore neck, being itchy and crankiness. Sure I would ask for some cheese with my whine but the cheese is why I am itchy. Milk products don't like me unless it is organic.

So it is like I am a teapot that is about ready to let the whistle go and boil over. I am sure if you look at me you will see smoke coming out of my ears. You won't have to look hard either.

Then I have been arguing with my son (arguing with an almost 3 year old gets you really far in life, didn't you know). I have been arguing with Phil. I am feeling like I shouldn't be talking to anyone. I have been feeling sensitive and attacked. Right now the anger and frustration is just SEETHING from me. There is more but I am not going to mention it or get in to it here.

I don't know what to do. I don't know where this is coming from. I am really at a loss. I don't know if this is the enemy or if it is just my own fault. Either way I don't know how to kick it. I feel like I am spiraling down. I am looking forward to class tonight because I know there will be worship. I just feel SO DAMN DONE. I don't know what to do! I just want to pull my hair out and run away SCREAMING. I wish I could sleep but I have issues falling asleep and if I get woken up after finally falling asleep forget about it!

What is going on! I was reading "walking with God" and John talked about how his sleep was interrupted and it was an attack from Satan. Is that what is happening here? Guess I need to take these questions to God. I am not sure how to. It is times like this when I wish I had the amazing gift of tongues. I can't find the words at all. Time to go and read some of His word. Oh after I feed my hungry child. I have zero appetite and I know I should eat. I just don't want to!

Glory Defined - Building 429

Woke up with the chorus of this song in my head. Seems pretty fitting. Will listen to the radio today rather then CD's. Just in case I get to hear it.



Glory Defined - Building 429

There's always a better way
there's always a bridge that needs crossing
there's always the straight and the narrow
the wide and the shallow
But I know that you're guiding me
and the best is yet to come
You've given me hope for tomorrow
and I know some day

Chorus
I'll wake up to find
Your glory defined
and I will finally bow at your feet
I will lift up your name in honor and praise
when I cross over Jordan
I know that I'll be running home to you

It's always the simple things
it's always the obvious that crashes over me
It's always in front of me
it helps me to remember
this is what I live for
and I can't wait

Chorus

there's never a question in your message
never a moment without your presence
there's never a doubt in my mind
that I'll

Chorus

Who am I?

That is a question I have been asking myself a lot lately. I have been asking God again and again who I am. Why I am the way I am. Why I look the way I do. I keep hearing over and over that it is because He loves me. "I love you baby. You are perfect." Yet all I see is weakness and flaws. The tears well and want to fall.



Who am I?
The tears brim on the edge
of spilling over into
a heart that can't hold anymore.
Not knowing who I am and
why I am the way I am.
Not knowing what path You are
having me to walk down I
stop out of fear.
I hesitate to take the next step
and fight it as much as
I can but I am now tired.
I can't keep fighting against it.
Against the healing.
Against the pain.
Against the hurt.
Against the tears.
Against the new beginning.

Who am I?
I am weak.
I am human.
I cry, I ache and I break.
Breaking in to pieces I am afraid
I won't be able to be put back together again.
I see one set of footprints
and it is because You are carrying me.

Who am I?
I am a vulnerable daughter.
I am reliant on My Maker.
I have a heart wanting Him more.
I am a daughter saved by Grace.
Engulfed and wrapped in Your
forever loving mercy.

I am yours.
I am loved.
I am free.



I am not sure if that makes sense as the tears fall. I ache but I want to rely and lean on God so badly. I pray it and cry it out over and over and over. I need to let go of the feelings of the world and trust that God will NOT leave me. He will NEVER forsake me. He loves me just the way I am. Hurt, vulnerable, scared, lonely and real. He takes me as I am. He won't leave me. Praise God.

Within a matter of minutes

Yesterday afternoon I had a little nap. Before I fell asleep I asked God to please show me that He is there, to help me to understand His love for me. To understand and to just trust.

So when I woke up I had Isaiah 46:11 ring in my head. I thought maybe it was a verse about a lamb being carried by Christ. I liked that verse. So I went to look it up and read "What I have said, that will I bring about; what I have planned, that will I do." ummmm....ok that doesn't make sense and doesn't seem relevant but I will write it down anyway.

So I went back to my concordance trying to find the specific verse I was looking for. I couldn't find it and was getting a bit frustrated. It was at this point I was ready to email a friend and ask where it was. Instead I stopped and asked God to help me find it and I heard the word "carry". So I went to that word. I FOUND IT! I was so excited.

To add to the fact that I found it I realized that I really was not far off. I was 6 chapters off. The verse I found, and was looking for, was found in Isaiah 40:11. "He tends his flock like a shepherd; He gathers the lambs in his arms and carries them close to his heart". So I opened my journal and wrote down both verses. I looked at the bottom of the page I was writing on and I saw another verse. "God has said, 'Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.' So we say with confidence, 'the Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid.' " Hebrews 13:5-6

wow! That was three verses all in the matter of minutes. Then on my way home last night Chuck Swindoll, from Insight for living was talking. HIS message even rang true. He was talking about God's love and how He is there for us. I am actually planning on re-listening to the message online. He said something along the lines that we have received God's grace. That we didn't deserve God's grace but were given it anyway because of HIS mercy.

I just really felt God yesterday and heard Him talking to my heart. This morning I am tired and grumpy as all heck but I have tried a new thing. I turned to God. I prayed out loud, even as I puttered, and asked Him to give me the strength to get through the day. To fight this feeling of anger and grumpiness. Then I condemned the enemy and commanded him to leave in Jesus' name. I feel better already! I put down my foot and made the choice to reach to God. It felt good. I just have to remember to KEEP it up!

Spiritual Battles

You know, I really am not sure what they are or even if I go through them. I am sure we all do to a certain extent.

I have noticed lately that I get really dizzy and to the point where I almost pass out. Then I feel like I have to leave the area or the situation. Last night was no exception. I take a class at the local church and I have been really enjoying it. I was standing there worshiping and the songs were great. Felt them in my heart so deeply. Then the tears fell. I was "worried" about someone seeing me cry and the dizziness was getting to me so I turned around, with my head down and left to compose myself.

I had dream after dream last night of fighting this fight. But it is the good fight. Right? The thing is that I know in my heart that this is the Good Fight. So I stand shaking but ready to fight. My suit of armor clad upon me.
I am looking for a certain verse about running the race and fighting the good fight and came across this verse. It seems pretty fitting.

"Fight the good fight of the faith. Take hold of the eternal life to which you were called when you made your good confession in the presence of many witnesses." 1Timothy 6:12

I want to be able to be like Paul and say these things. I want to be able to be a witness to Christ, to be able to stand strong and say "I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith." 2Timothy 4:7

So with perseverance I stand ready. At least I know I HAVE to stand ready. I can't stay stuck where I am. I have the good days and the bad days. I MUCH prefer the good days of being high on God. The speaker last night made a good point about how when you get in to the word of God the enemy sneaks in and gets you in your weak points. He hits you where he knows that your insecurities lie. Then it ends up getting you so lost and stuck in to the darkness that you become silent. Then the enemy is pleased because he has encouraged you to keep silent. To not talk to God. When you don't talk to God the enemy wins.

Satan sucks and it would just be better that he didn't exist but you really can't have one without the other. Unfortunately he does exist but with God's help we can fight. We can stay strong.

So upon closing I found the verse I was looking for. Today I will chose to let God do the healing. I know it won't be easy. I know it is going to hurt like hell. I know that I may crash BUT I also know that this is the good race and this is the good fight. God IS with me. He will NOT leave me. I have to remember that. Whether I feel Him here or not is irelivant, the fact that I KNOW He is there is what matters the most.
Our struggles on this earth are not against flesh and blood, but against higher things, more worldly things and spiritual forces. So today I will be trying to make a new choice. To stand ready to fight. With the armor of God protecting me. So I "throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and [I will] run with perseverance the race marked out for [me]." Hebrews 12:1

I need to let go of the idea that I will do this alone because I won't. God is there, He is fighting with me and for me. He will send merciful peacemakers and people who will guide me and help me along this path. If I stop and think about that I know that it is already true. That He is already doing that. So time to grow up and fight the good fight! At this moment I stand bold (or at least try to anyway)and I will try. I will try to stop and be still in God.

Craziness

So last night the smoke alarm went off. Well I thought it was the smoke alarm. I thought how weird it was because we were done dinner and there was no smoke. I didn't even burn dinner! Then the following all happened in a matter of seconds.
I realized, hey that alarm sounds different. I think it is the fire alarm. Then I could hear the alarm out in the hall. These alarms only go off if there is a fire in the building somewhere. The strip on the sprinklers has to break in the area the fire is in for the alarms to go off. So off I go.

Cooper was great. Followed me. I ran to his room, grabbed his hat and bear. Then by the front door I grabbed his coat and shoes. Slipped my shoes on and picked him up. I reached for the front door and stopped. Wait! Have to check for heat. I didn't remember in the moment if it was the palm of my hand or back of my hand so I felt with both. Door was cold. I looked out the peep hole. No smoke or flames. So I opened the door and went out in to the hall. I went straight for the stair well. Telling people to come down the stairs and cross the street. Helped a mom with twins to guide them to the stairs. I got outside and across the street. Sat Cooper down and put his coat, hat and shoes on. THEN I realized I didn't grab my purse or my coat. Oh well not going back in and Cooper is safe.

Then I smelled it. The smoke was sickening. The fire department came, police closed off our street. A couple of lookie loos got in an accident at the end of the street. The firemen had to pull the lady out of her burning suite because she was walking around in the smoke looking for her cat! So she was taken to the hospital with smoke inhalation. So five fire trucks, two ambulances and a handful of police cars were on our street. As we were going outside from the building I told Cooper we get to see fire trucks. I was so proud of him. He listened to me and did really good. Phil was at his mom's. My neighbour let me use her phone and call her then he came home.

I found myself praying and thanking God that we were safe, and that we have house insurance! The fire was the floor below me and two doors over. Thankfully I have no smoke damage and we were allowed back in. My poor neighbour had to leave the building though.

I could have started to blame God because this was just another thing to add to all the crap but I surprised even myself. I didn't blame. I did nothing but praise and thank Him.
"I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
Every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm " - Casting Crowns

I chose to look at the positive. It could have been SOOOO much worse. I did make a joke to my neighbour saying, dang I just got those passports. Of course everything was in the house and I would have lost a lot but our place was fine. More importantly WE are fine. God was watching out for us. He had our back. He helped me keep a level head and get outside. My main focus was my child. I am sure if I had an animal I would have left them. Nothing against animals but your priorities change.

It is moments like these that I KNOW He is there. I need to make sure I try really hard to focus on that. Easier said then done. When the darkness and hurt engulf you you struggle. You don't know where to turn. The enemy plays on your insecurities. But as God made it evident last night, He really does care. He does watch out for ME. I don't get it but I guess there are things that just need to have the faith to believe in. THIS Father won't leave me. He loves me. He protects me. Now to let it sink in and try to remember it. To try to shake this darkness.

"Listen, my [daughter], accept what I say, and the years of your life will be many." Prov. 9:10

SAMARA!!

Happy Belated birthday honey!

I can't believe Sam turned 2 on the 15th. I remembered but forgot to post. sigh...At least I hope mom would forgive me for that! Sorry Chel...

Here she is just hours old




her dedication done on June 24. So about 4 months old


mom you can shoot me later but I think it is a nice picture!



Just this past Christmas

Surrender: Let Go and Let God Work

by Rick Warren

Surrender yourself to the Lord, and wait patiently for him. Psalm 37:7 (GWT)

*** *** *** ***

Surrendering your life means:

· Following God’s lead without knowing where he’s sending you;

· Waiting for God’s timing without knowing when it will come;

· Expecting a miracle without knowing how God will provide;

· Trusting God’s purpose without understanding the circumstances.

You know you’re surrendered to God when you rely on God to work things out instead of trying to manipulate others, force your agenda, and control the situation. You let go and let God work.You don’t have to always be in charge. Instead of trying harder, you trust more.

You also know you’re surrendered when you don’t react to criticism and rush to defend yourself.

Surrendered hearts show up best in relationships. You are not self-serving, you don’t edge others out, and you don’t demand your rights.

The most difficultthing for many people to surrender is their money. Many have thought, “I want to live for God but I also want to earn enough money to live comfortably and retire someday.”

Retirement is not the goal of a surrender life, because it competes with God for the primary attention of our lives. Jesus said, “You cannot serve both God and money,” (Matthew 6:24 NIV)and “Wherever your treasure is, your heart will be also” (Matthew 6:21 NIV).

The supreme example of self-surrender is Jesus. The night before his crucifixion Jesus surrendered himself to God’s plan. He prayed, “Father, everything is possible for you. Please take this cup of suffering away from me. Yet I want your will, not mine” (Mark 14:36 NLT).

Jesus didn’t pray, “God, if you’re able to take away this pain, please do so.” He began by affirming that God can do anything! He prayed, “God, if it is in your best interest to remove this suffering, please do so. But if it fulfills your purpose, that’s what I want, too.”

Genuine surrender says, “Father, if this problem, pain, sickness, or circumstance is needed to fulfill your purpose and glory in my life or in another’s life, please don’t take it away!”

This level of maturity doesn’t come easy.In Jesus’ case, he agonized so much over God’s plan that he sweat drops of blood. Surrender is hard work. In our case, it requires intense warfare against our self-centered nature.

Love

I am not the type of person who easily says "I love you". Never have been. Been hurt too often and I have to REALLY feel it. Of course I feel love for some people but in order to say "I love you" it has to be from deep within.
Quite frankly I think it is more of the fact that I am afraid that if I tell someone I love them they will in turn end up leaving me. I have had that a lot this past year. It sucks. Alot. Then in my hurt I walk away. I put up a wall. Then I end up being alone because I am too afraid to let others in.

That is my downfall. I don't trust easily. Sometimes I jump in to things with both feet and I end up letting my guard down too easily. That is pretty dumb if you ask me. It only ends up with me getting hurt in the end. Only ends up with me building a stronger wall.
So I have pushed people away and people have pushed me away. It hurts. Deep down in my heart I hurt myself. I am lonely but it is my own fault. I don't know HOW to let my guard down and let people in.

I have realized that I am doing the same to God. Ouch. I wonder if His heart aches as much as mine. I don't want to not let Him in. I am told that He won't leave me. He won't stop loving me. After all Jesus died for ME. Yet for some reason I can't seem to get that to sink in.
I am a sinner. I am not trusting God. I need to trust Him. I want to trust Him. I have to do this walk in faith and that is the big key. So by not trusting God and by not fulling allowing His love in to my heart I am hurting the one who should matter the most.
I cut myself down. A lot. If I can learn to just let God in then I am sure I can let go of that. If I can just accept that He is love I can learn to love myself. But it is hard. It is really hard. The old habits of not letting anyone in so I don't get hurt is strong. I am afraid of God giving up on me. I am afraid of Him hurting me. I am afraid.
Fear. Fear is not of God! sigh....
yet I still have it. Part of me wants to be broken and to just fully give it over to Him but I am not sure how. The thing is that I KNOW if I ask Him to break me to the point where I can only rely on Him, He will. So I have faith in that. I also have faith that if He does break me He will be there to support me and encourage me. Yet I have not asked for it out of fear. There it is again fear.
Love is greater then fear, is it not? Yet my fear keeps me grounded and stuck. How do I get out? I read scriptures and everything. I understand what the scriptures, or devotionals are saying to me (most of the time). I can talk to people about God and Jesus, I LOVE to talk about it actually, yet here I sit confused. Confused, scared, alone. If only I can stop being so damn stubborn and trust that God loves me. He loves me no matter how ugly or fat I feel. No matter how blonde I can act. No matter how many times I get confused. Knowing that makes me want to cry. HOW. WHY. I don't deserve it.

"you are right baby, you don't deserve it. YOU think you don't deserve it but I think and feel you do."

"even though I don't give it all to you Daddy? Even though I struggle to hold on? Even though I LOVE you with all my heart I am scared."

"I know you are scared baby. I know your heart. I know you love Me. I know that your heart is true. I feel the struggle that you are going through. I won't give up on you. I will keep fighting for you day in and day out. I won't let go. For when you are weak baby I am strong."

"you won't EVER leave? *tears falling now* No matter how stubborn I am? No matter how scared I am?"

"NEVER EVER BABY. NEVER."

"Help me God. Help me to trust. Help me to let you in. To know that you are not going to hurt me. That all things that happen work out for your good. Help me to not guard so strongly."

"I am baby. I am. Step by step. You are working, you are struggling and that is ok. It is ok because I am right here."




That is hard. I don't like being hurt, who does, and when I let my guard down enough to love I get hurt. I end up alone. But it is all my fault. So I feel stupid. When I love it is fully and with my whole heart. So when I get hurt it is my whole heart breaking time and time again. I just feel like I can't do it anymore. Maybe it is time to just put all my love in to God. Keep my faith in Him. Know that He will guide me.

I am sure this won't make sense as it doesn't make sense to me! Dreams last night made me realize how bad I am aching. But it is ok. I am here in this time and place for a reason. God is with me. I have to have the faith. He will work this all out for good. Because He loves me. He loves me. Time to stop hurting Him. What a bad daughter I am...

"O LORD, you have searched me and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O LORD" (Ps 139:1-4)

Nursing

*this is my view and my view only. This is NOT to start a debate. If it does at all the post will be removed. Discussion is fine but no debates, no knocking someone down and no name calling*


I am very fortunate to have been lucky enough to nurse Cooper. I was able to breast feed him until 15 months when I had to go on meds that I didn't feel comfortable taking while nursing. 19 months later I still have milk.
I LOVE pumping and nursing. I found it made me feel like I had a great purpose. I was very lucky that I didn't get breast infections, I didn't have to fight for my supply and Cooper nursed well. To this day when I see people nurse I smile. I love the idea of it.
I was prepared before having Cooper that it would be painful. I didn't know JUST how painful it would actually be. Mind you it was only pain in the beginning as your body got used to clamps. lol! I was determined NOT to use formula. Although I do not find anything wrong with formula and I am glad it is there for those that choose to use it or can't nurse. When I see someone nursing I still feel like I have an infant nursing. It is the best feeling and I still have dreams about it. I do hope it is something everyone gets the opportunity to do!

Now here is why I bring this all up.
There was a video of Selma Hayeck (sorry if I spelt the name wrong) nursing a hungry African baby. Some people have been saying it was selfish, sick, what if she got a disease etc. Umm..the risk of disease transfer while breast feeding is a lot lower then the fact that a child will die from hunger. I think it was a very unselfish thing for her to do. To be honest I think I would have done it as well.

There are mother's out there that freak out if their children see a nursing baby. The breasts were created for milk far before they were seen as sexual. Think about it. Think about how God made it all work, that the milk flows, it is life giving and nurturing. There is nothing better. Oh no! Don't look now there is a child eating their meal! I see a breast. Good gravy people!

I also don't think a mother should have to go in to a bathroom to nurse, or be kicked out of a restaurant or anything just because she is nursing. I don't even think you should have to cover up. I cover up because I am more modest. But who knows if I have another child I may not be so modest! After all do you sit in the bathroom to eat, do you get kicked out of a restaurant, do you eat with a blanket over your head?

This just has been on my mind since seeing the wonderful video. I probably would have nursed until at least 2, or whenever he self weaned. I have not ever blogged about it yet because there is so many opinions on the matter. But this is my blog and my thoughts. This just happens to be one of them! I hope everyone is blessed enough to nurse a child. I think it is a great gift from God.

and THAT is my two cents on the matter.....

This and that.

It has been a couple days. Lately I have been blogging a lot more. However I have been dealing with some hurt and trying to sort things out. I wasn't too sure I was ready to post.

I started to miscarry back in June of 2008. My due date was on the 2nd of this month. Yes I took it hard. You can roll your eyes or leave the blog, it doesn't matter to me. Because the fact that I was "only 5.5 weeks" is significant to me. Yes it was a life and yes I was and am still grieving. I never allowed myself to grieve in the first place.

So instead of holding a new baby in my arms or anticipating labor on that day I got to go for my very first mammogram. Yes it was GREAT FUN! No sarcasm what-so-ever! LOL! Yeah I have heard those things were painful and people were right. The fact that the date was already bothering me didn't help. Neither did the cold technician.

My doctor is not worried about the lump so neither am I. I obviously trust my doctor with my life and to top it off I trust GOD even more. So that is pretty huge for me. I trust that He knows what He is doing because I sure as heck don't. So I didn't have to worry about nursing or being pregnant to do these tests. I go for an ultrasound on said breast later this month. Wahoo! But I really am not concerned. It helps to have a doctor that listens to you and validates your feelings. That will tell you how it is and be straight to the point. If she isn't worried neither am I.

I have withdrawn from a lot lately. It is no one's fault but my own. I do that even without realizing. I don't really talk to anyone about things going on in my head or in my heart because I don't want to be judged. I will be judged because we are all human and unfortunately that is what human's do. Whether they mean to or not. You can see it in their faces.


So I have been trying to just let the tears fall because I did feel a little better when I allowed myself to cry. If you know me well enough or you have been following this blog long enough, you know that I don't allow myself to cry. For some reason I have to hold a higher standard for myself then anyone else.

Although this may be a storm right now or I may have a battle in my soul I sit here with a thankful and grateful heart. A heart full of thanksgiving to God. Sure I am a bit angry, a bit sad and frustrated but I am thankful. Why? Because I know that in the midst of this storm God is carrying me. When I am no longer strong enough to keep walking He has me in His arms and is carrying me.
The storms that I may go through will be for good. God does not do wrong or bad things. They are all for good. They will work out for His Glory. I may not see it now but years down the road or even months I may look back and go "WELL DANG! That makes sense and that is why I went through that."

I know He has a plan for my life although I do not know what it is. I will choose to be ok with that. I will choose to keep healing, keep stretching and keep feeling. I am with Him in faith. I am so thankful that in this time He is using it all for good. Sure I hurt. Sure I can sound or act strong but I am not. I am hurting inside. I am not ready to let out all the things I am thinking. I am not ready to let anyone in. I am not ready to pour my heart out. BUT I am ready to walk in Faith, to Trust and to keep on keeping on.

Just a bit about me. Don't be surprised if this gets deleted. Just something about telling the world about my mammogram makes it feel a bit personal. Yet you never know who you can help just by telling the story that you are walking. He is right beside me, walking with me hand in hand. Thank You.

Footprints

One night I had a dream--
I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord
and across the sky flashed scenes from my life.
For each scene I noticed two sets of footprints,
one belonged to me and the other to the Lord.
When the last scene of my life flashed before me,
I looked back at the footprints in the sand.
I noticed that many times along the path of my life,
there was only one set of footprints.
I also noticed that it happened at the very lowest
and saddest times in my life.
This really bothered me and I questioned the Lord about it.
"Lord, you said that once I decided to follow you,
you would walk with me all the way,
but I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life
there is only one set of footprints.
"I don't understand why in times when I needed you most,
you should leave me."
The Lord replied, "My precious, precious child,
I love you and I would never, never leave you
during your times of trial and suffering.
"When you saw only one set of footprints,
it was then that I carried you."

...Mary Stevenson

Taking the Plunge

The service today was on betrayal and trusting God. The pastor at The Bridge talked about Esau and Jacob.

At the end of the service they invite people to "take the plunge". To step up and receive prayer. Today they challenged us to come up, if we wanted, and have our hands anointed with oil. Symbolizing that we were receiving blessing for the work that we make with our hands and finances that we bring in. At the end of Genesis 28 it mentions how Jacob found God and decided that "all that you give me I will give you a tenth." v. 22

Here Jacob was worshiping God and telling Him that he will give back 10%. That has been a real struggle for us. We find it hard to part with that money but as we came in to the new year both Phil and I decided to make that choice. To give back to God what rightfully belongs to Him in the first place. After all it is God who is granting us this money and our jobs. In this time of uncertainty we rely on God and thank Him for what we do have.

So I decided to take the plunge and step up. Have my hands anointed, blessed and prayed over. I asked Phil if he wanted to come with me and he had said no. That he didn't feel the need to come up. So I went up by myself. Then I felt Phil come stand beside me and we took the plunge as a couple.

The lady that came up and put the oil in my hand said a prayer. It was an amazing experience. I couldn't hear her words but what I FELT was mind boggling.

I may lose people here but honestly this happened....

The lady put the oil in my hand. First my right then my left. It was an incredible moment. I FELT like my hand was being pierced. I pictured Christ having His hands nailed to the cross. Felt the piercing through my own hand and wondered how He endured that. How and why He was able to do that for me. Why? Because He loves me. I am still thinking about the how He could do it but I think it may be because He knows His Father, our Father, loves him.

At first I was a skeptic. I thought maybe it was whatever oil they were using. That maybe it was reacting with my skin. But then in that exact moment I decided to believe it was God and to feel His presence. I didn't feel the same sensation in my left hand. Oil was put in both. So if it was from the oil I would have felt it in that one as well. But I didn't. It was only in my right hand and almost made me buckle at the knees. It wasn't painful feeling just pressure and it literally felt like a nail was being driven through my skin, through my hand. Felt about an inch in diameter. It felt so real that I had to close my eyes and when I opened them I even felt I had to look at my hand. There was nothing there. I can still feel the sensation a bit.

It was like Jesus was sharing His pain with me, showing me that He is here. That He is blessing us and will take care of us. That His hands are strong and will help us. Although it may be a tough time and I rebuke Satan when he starts to tell me, well if you didn't tithe you could have.....I am choosing to trust God. I rebuke Satan and tell Him that God has my back and will support me and my family. I am choosing to trust in God.

So I left service thanking God and praising Him for the feeling He gave me. I tried to explain it to Phil as well and I worried he would think I was crazy but he didn't. I try to get the words out now and it just seems like the words don't justify the experience. It was a great experience that I hope to always treasure and remember. I feel blessed by Him. I trust Him and will continue to walk with Him. Whether I FEEL Him or not. I walk in Faith. I believe it was my faith that allowed me to feel a part of Him in the moment. I feel very blessed and am grateful for the experience. I am glad I took the plunge.....

Break these chains

Comfort Zones

I really am starting to think that they are over rated.

If you know me really well you know that to start out I am a shy person. If I don't feel in my element I am very shy and quiet. I know it is hard to believe!

Tonight I went to a course at a local church teaching about the Old Testament. I am really excited to learn about it. Just one problem though. I didn't know anyone. I sat next to people at dinner who I didn't even know. They were all chatting but I was shy and quiet. There was a point where I was almost in tears. TOTALLY felt all alone in a room where I am surrounded by people. It was my own fault for feeling that way I am sure because I didn't step out of my box.

I felt so out of my comfort zone. I felt so uncomfortable. Then I saw someone I knew from church. So I talked with her a bit. Then it was time to go in to the sanctuary for the class. Oh dear. Here we go again. All these people. Feeling too shy to step out. A friendly face smiled and waved, acknowledged that I was there. So that eased me a bit. The tears were right on the edge because I was SOOO uncomfortable.

I looked around knowing my exits. Figuring out my exits that would allow me get out of the room if the panic or anxiety kicked in. I think that is why the tears were there. I really felt like God was stretching me. I was NOT comfortable with it at all. I just kept praying to Him.

I have some things on my mind but I give it over to Him completely with Faith and Trust. I hand things over to Him repeatedly and trust my Father with outcomes and answers and protection. So in this moment I felt wrapped up. I felt scared. I knew that it was not of God. So I kept trying to turn it back to Him.

Then all of a sudden I see the lady that I ran in to at the dinner. I looked up and gave her a shy smile. She told me to come and sit down front with them. So I hesitantly went. So I knew a few people there after all. But because this was all so new to me I was feeling detached and nervous. I went and will continue to go out of excitement to learn more about God.

Then we got in to the lesson. Then the HAND ACTIONS started. Yeah, that is what I said....HAND ACTIONS. WHOA GOD! How far are you going to stretch me here? So I hesitantly did the actions, fearing looking like an idiot (although EVERYONE in that sanctuary was doing the same actions). I started to free up a bit then he asked us to face our neighbour and do the actions to them. Yeah no eye contact there. I have gotten bad at keeping eye contact with people, I think it is because I worry they will see right down in to my soul and how unsure I am. How weak and vulnerable I am. How much my spirit aches inside.

So tonight I was pulled this way and that, so out of my comfort zone. Trapped in a box that I don't really want to be in but am too nervous to fully step out. I guess fear stops me a lot. Fear is NOT of God so I need to work on that. I find it easier to talk to God, it is just a matter of remembering to stop.

Makes me wonder how much God will stretch me. Is He going to stretch me until I break? What if I break? What if the pieces are too small that I can't pick them up, that even God can't put me back together. Comfort zones are good things, they keep you in check but sometimes on days like today they suck. The tears sat on the edge. I warmed up near the end. I am afraid to be broken. I am afraid to be vulnerable. Good thing God isn't afraid. I don't like Him stretching my boundaries but I am needing to try to just lean on Him and trust completely that HE in fact does know what He is doing.....

the tears welling and the feeling I had sucked monkey butt. I hate being shy and feeling vulnerable. But you know what? I am human. I am weak. I am vulnerable. I am NOT strong. But I can be all of these things IN GOD.

So hesitantly I thank God for stretching me and I wait to see what He has in store....

A welcomed bonus

Today Cooper and my daycare boy were just getting to me. It was non-stop bickering and nagging. They really do fight like brothers! So this evening I decided to take them out in the stroller for a walk. At 4pm. I was kind of pushing it because the little boy would be picked up soon.

But I went anyway. I walked and ran. Half and half. It was cool but great. Then on the way home it was great. I was listening to my worship music and then all of a sudden I realized the sun was going down. I saw a pretty sunset. Me, the boys and God.

Didn't even think about it getting dark when I headed out. Then just a sigh of relief and just taking it all in on the way home. It was beautiful. Such a welcomed bonus to a wonderful walk.

Praising in unusual circumstances

last night our car was broken in to. I am not sure how they got in to the parkade but they got in to my car because Phil left the doors unlocked. I know someone was in the car because my insurance papers were everywhere. Things were pulled out of the console and my driver side doors were both open, not fully latched closed....

Now normally I would give Phil an ear full. I have before. This time I wasn't even mad. I thanked God for it. Odd hey? Well this is what I look at.....

my doors could have been locked then the thieves would have just broke the window to get in. Then I would have had glass all over the vehicle seat and the kids car seats.
I would of had to pay a $300 deductible to get a window fixed (even if they catch the person(s)I wouldn't see my money back until they went to insure a car in their name. Been there done that before.)
They could have damaged my door.

Also they didn't take my CD player or my MP3 player. So I praised God about that too. They didn't touch the carseats. They were both still tightly installed. No cuts or damage done to them. So another YAY!

Sure I feel violated. If I told you I didn't you could watch my nose grow. Yet even though this is all happening and has happened I sit here praising God. It could have been worse. That is so new for me.

I am learning a lot and yes I believe I still need to lean on God. I choose to look at the blessings and the good in this situation rather then the bad. There is something uplifting and freeing about that. Sure it sucks monkey butt that it happened but we are safe. Nothing was taken and I praise God.

Feels good to praise....


here are some pics:
glove box emptied


contents on seat, from glove box and center console


This is hard to see but there are finger prints above the handle here.


Both doors open.

I am NOT ALONE

and I have NOT lost Hope, or Faith.

I am realizing that in my heart and in my spirit I really haven't given up on Hope or Faith. If I had I wouldn't keep reaching back out to God. The bible does teach us to lean on God, to give our problems to Him, that his Mercies are new every morning.

"we all stumble in many ways." James 3:2

It doesn't say that we shouldn't stumble or we won't stumble but we ALL stumble. Every last one of us. I think Satan wants me to think that I have no hope left. That I can't FEEL God. The thing is that it doesn't matter if I can't physically FEEL Him, I know He is there. How do I know? Through Faith.

How do you know air is there? Faith. How do you know atoms exist? Faith. I don't physically see God standing beside me but I know He is there through Faith. I don't need more then that. I certainatly don't need Satan telling me I have no hope left or no faith left. I won't let the world engulf me. I can't do this on my own. I can choose to follow Him. I choose to be happy in Him. Now to make sure I actually follow through with it.

I have not given up. I have Christ Jesus in me. So I stand prepared for battle knowing I will win with Christ. He is always with me. He will not leave me. He will come close as I come closer to Him. "Come near to God and he will come near to you." James 4:8

I will choose to have freedom in Christ. I will keep going and I won't believe the world's lies. I won't believe Satan's lies. I won't believe lies in my own mind. I am not alone and I am so grateful for that...

It's dark in here...

I have felt engulfed by darkness lately. I feel like I am standing in the middle of a crowded room screaming at the top of my voice and no one can hear me. I feel like I am standing in the middle of a thick fog and can't seem to find my Savior's hand. I am wanting to reach but I can't see it. I can't feel Him because the fog is so thick and weighing me down.

Yet He is there. I know in my heart that He is there. He is holding me. God will help me through this. Christ Jesus will be my strength when I am so weak that I can't go on. When I feel like just laying on the floor and letting the fog engulf me He is there holding me up. I just have to believe it. I have to call on Him.

I read this today:
"If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind." James 1:5-6

God forgive me for my doubt. Forgive me for being a wave tossed back and forth. I am sorry that I am struggling. I am sorry that I am in such a dark place. I am sorry that I feel so lost.

"baby I am right here. You are not lost, you just need to feel My arms wrapped around you. You just need to find the Light. My Light is right here."

I want it Pappa, I really truly do. I want you in my whole being. I want to feel you more then ever.

"The battle will never be easy but I am here. I am here to share the load, to share the burden. Remember my burden is light. I will fight for you. I will always fight for you because you are WORTH fighting for."



I am so grateful for God. I am so thankful that He won't leave me. That He is here even though I am in the dark. Even though I am struggling and hurt You are ok with that because You will help me through every step of the way. I can be very honest and say that in this time I get scared. I get very scared. That I can't feel Him, I can't hear Him. That I will be lost to the darkness forever. Yet He tells us to never give up hope. Although I feel like I have given up I know that I must keep fighting. I must ask God to be my strength, to give me wisdom in this battle. He knows that I am not strong enough or wise enough to do this on my own. I guess there comes a time when you have to reach out of your comfort zone to others that will help to carry you through. Others that you can trust. I can tell you that it is VERY hard for me to let down my guard. When I let down my guard I am weak. However, I don't think I am meant to be strong. I think I am meant to be strong with God. Not apart from Him. Not while doing it on my own.

So although this is dark and thick fog I will try my hardest to keep searching for the Light. To hold the Light within me. To become a light in this world. God help me....

Thankful for His mercies in all this time.
"Because of the LORD'S great love we are not consumed, for his compassionas never fail. They are new every morning..." Lamentations 3:22-23

James 4:8

"Come near to God and he will come near to you."


I sat here trying to think of some amazing words to say in regards to this verse but in actuality I think it speaks for itself.
The further we step away from God the further He feels from us but as soon as we start drawing near to Him he pulls closer to us. He pulls us in. I can just picture Him like a parent with their arms outstretched waiting for us to run into them. Once we get near to Him He is closer to us and His smile broadens. He grins ear to ear and whispers with gladness, I am here. I am so glad you came to me child.
You have to do the work as well. You have to go near Him in order to feel him come nearer to you. But the thing is, I think He is just waiting. Waiting with open arms. Nonjudgmental and full of Grace.
God is good.

HE DID IT!! HE DID IT!! HE DID IT!!

Cooper did it!

He pooped on the potty!!:thumbsup: I am so so so proud of him! :love:

since yesterday he has started to tell people that he has to go potty. So all day he will say, mommy I gotta potty. So I tell him to go. He goes into the bathroom all by himself, pulls down his pants and goes. Then yells he is done, gets down then pulls up his underwear and pants. Then I turn on the water and he washes his hands.

Tonight we went for a walk and when we got home he said, mommy I need pee. So I told him to go. He said, my tummy hurts. I told him I would be right there and to try to go potty. I walk in there and I smell it (sorry too much information) then I sat down with him. Encouraged him and he did it!

I swear Phil and I were MORE excited and we were doing the YAY potty dance. Cooper loved it. Then he said I done, underwear please.

I just had to share!!!! Such a good boy. So we close week number two on a good note!

The Battle Ensues.....

I have been reading a book called, "Roll Away Your Stone" by a pastor named Dutch Sheets.

The book is good but the only thing that confuses me is when he speaks Greek. I mean that in the literal sense too. I am not good at pronouncing foreign words and when he uses them I struggle with it. But once I get past that I am good. LOL!

He talks about how we are made up of three parts. The spirit, the soul and the body.

He refers to the sub-conscious mind as the spirit. Where God can freely talk to us without having our conscious mind fight Him and put things in the way. Our conscious mind is the Soul. Then I am sure you know what the body is.

Now since Dutch Sheets has said this it has made things a little more understandable. Just a little. I have always heard that it is a constant battle for our soul. Our soul, our conscious mind. Because if Satan can win over our conscious mind or make thoughts so loud we won't be able to hear our Spirit speaking to us. That is why a lot of people have dreams that come true or they can hear God more clearly when they sleep. When we are asleep we don't have our mind going a mile a minute to take over thoughts from God. The bad thoughts, the untrue thoughts and the painful thoughts of the conscious mind are so loud that you can't hear God right there. Satan works in the soul. He implants lies, fear and more lies. Fear is not of God. So it must be of the enemy. The enemy giving us the fear so that we become so wrapped up in it we in turn end up not trusting God. When we don't trust God we are in essence telling Him He doesn't know what He is doing with our lives. That I know how to take care of my own life. Which is a TOTAL lie. I cannot control my own life. I don't know what I am doing. I SAY that I trust Him but every day I nail things over and over to the cross. It is sometimes the same thing but written out differently. Well most of the time it is the same thing. Satan does NOT like that. He wants me to hold on to the fears, to believe the lies and to keep myself wrapped up in the worldly thoughts and lies that he helps to feed me.

The closer I get to God the more of a battle it is. I know in my heart right now I am struggling. It is like I have lost God again. That He has abandoned me. Yet I know in my spirit, in my heart, that it is not true. God is RIGHT HERE. I just need to push Satan away. Tell him to get lost. Wonder if you can tell him to go back to hell and stop bugging me! I know I can definately tell him to bugger off.

As I try hard to fill my conscious mind with God the battle gets worse. The loneliness engulfs me. The painful and untrue thoughts flood my mind. I keep telling myself over and over that I am a screw up. That I am a failure. That I am in the wrong. Why? Because that is what I know. Those thoughts are in the forefront of my mind. They are way too loud. So the battle of my soul continues. I will admit it is SO hard to just wrap my head around the fact that I didn't do anything to DESERVE God's love but that is the point. That even though I struggle, even though I fight I have God as the Captain of my Spirit. He will help me fight the battle if I let Him. If I stop pushing Him back to the tents. If I ask Him to join me on the front line.

So the battle ensues for my soul. I want God to win and I will work hard at trying to replace these negative thoughts with thoughts from God. With God's word. It is really the only true thing out there. I stand shaking, scared to fight and weak. But right here, beside me, in front of me, behind me, above me, below me, God is here. He has wrapped His armor around me and will help me to fight. When I am weak and tired I just have to call on Him. No one said this would be an easy journey. No one said there wouldn't be a fight. I am God's child. Not Satan's. So I fight and will continue to fight for my soul.

'The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you.' - unknown author

Got this message from a friend today....timing is good as usual!

When we are feeling unloved and depressed and empty inside, finding someone to give us love is not really the solution.
--Gerald G. Jampolsky


Each of us wants to be significant to someone else. And we are - we're significant to all the lives we're touching at this very moment.

The emptiness we sometimes feel is a good reminder that the women and men in our lives need our attention. Too much self-focus fosters our feelings of loneliness, and then with desperation we look to others to fill us up. The paradox is that we heal ourselves while offering our attention to another who is, by design, on our path.

It is not by chance our lives are intertwined. Loving someone today will heal two wounds, ours and theirs.

I Hope You Dance

This is a song by Lea Ann Womack. I will post the words then have something to follow. So bear with me....

I Hope You Dance
I hope you never lose your sense of wonder
You get your fill to eat but always keep that hunger
May you never take one single breath for granted
God forbid love ever leave you empty-handed
I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean
Whenever one door closes, I hope one more opens
Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance

I hope you dance, I hope you dance

I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance
Never settle for the path of least resistance
Livin' might mean takin' chances, but they're worth takin'
Lovin' might be a mistake, but it's worth makin'
Don't let some hell-bent heart leave you bitter
When you come close to sellin' out, reconsider
Give the heavens above more than just a passing glance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance

I hope you dance, I hope you dance
I hope you dance, I hope you dance
(Time is a wheel in constant motion, always rolling us along
Tell me who wants to look back on their years
And wonder, where those years have gone)

I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean
Whenever one door closes I hope one more opens
Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance

Dance, I hope you dance
I hope you dance, I hope you dance
I hope you dance, I hope you dance
(Time is a wheel in constant motion always rolling us along
Tell me who wants to look back on their years
And wonder where those years have gone)




It really made me think about God. Makes me wonder if God thinks that way of us. Does He hope that we dance? That we never lose our sense of wonder? Lovin' is a chance worth taking. God is worth that chance. He is worth those moments. He is worth living.
Does he want us to put out our hands towards His and take His hand when He asks us to dance? Does He want us to dance with Him?

I can picture it. God, LORD ALMIGHTY, holding me close. Spinning me around. Hoping that I take this time to dance with Him. That I keep dancing as His bride. He hopes when one door closes, one more opens. That is how He works, from my experience. He closes one door but if you are patient and ask for guidance you will see He hasn't left you stranded. He has opened the second one, the third one etc.
A lot of the lyrics in this song make me kind of picture God saying them. Almost makes me feel like it is saying not to give up. To keep dancing with God. To keep on the journey. He is the best dance partner you can ask for.

I am not sure this makes sense but I still wanted to share as it makes me feel like it is almost what God may want. That He wants His children to dance. To not give up. To keep pursing Him. The path to God is full of resistance and struggles but His yoke is light. Satan doesn't like you getting close so of course it is going to be a journey. But it is one worth taking. It is a dance worth enduring. It is a partner strong enough to carry you through.

I hope I dance. I hope to be in His arms dancing with Him in heaven. I hope to dance in Faith, Love and Trust. I hope YOU dance.....

My little guy

is getting so big. He isn't as little anymore....

He sure has my lip color...

Not sure why this bothers me....

my dear Aunt passed away on Christmas Eve. She was a sweet soul. She passed at the age of 56. I know that may sound pretty young but for her it wasn't.

My Aunt had down syndrome and lived 40 years past her expected age. My grandma is the one to credit for that. She never belittled my aunt or treated her differently. She treated her like any of her other kids. She took her on outings and kept her active. She only went into a home 2 years ago. Grandma couldn't deal anymore. Which is amazing because she is well into her 80's if not early 90's. I am not exactly sure.

The funeral is in Chilliwack this Saturday. I was ok with that and I know she led a good life. Then I was told the burial would be in Newton. I didn't even think about that possibility. I should have known. My dad is buried there and so is my Grandpa. There is a plot next to them.
My dad has been dead for 24 years but for some reason just thinking about going to that cemetary made me cry. I am not sure why. I don't remember him and it has been so long. I have probably only been there a handful of times. He didn't want to live past 30 (selfish if you ask me) and he died at 31 of a brain anuerysm.
I have a hard time because I feel unwanted by my family. I am not close to them at all. So going to be at this grave site is bothering me. I don't want to cry or anything but I feel the tears each time I think about it. Phil will come with me though. So that is good. I just am not sure why it bothers me so much. The fact that it bothers me bothers me. LOL!!

I have no idea what to do.
Wait a minute yes I do.

I have been praying to God for strength. Strength to not cry, to not let it bother me and to just move on. I know that I don't have the strength at all but I know God is so much bigger then me and I know He can deal with it. He can hold me strong through all of this.
Although I wonder WHY this bothers me I trust and believe in God. So I will still go even though my soul is saying to stay home. My spirit is telling me to trust God and to lean on Him and Him alone.