As I was praying last night I was begging God for forgiveness. I had to show tough love to someone and I felt horrible for it.
A couple weeks ago God told me that He was healing my uterus and my heart. While praying I starting thinking about my heart. Wondering if my heart was hard or just guarded. I asked God but didn't get a definite answer.
If you have followed my blog you will know that I don't tell people I love them very easily. I think in that aspect it is because I guard my heart from being hurt. We have all been hurt in the past and mine has always been by people that "loved" me.
When it comes to God I am afraid to trust. I am afraid to just let it go. I don't understand how he could honestly love me. How He is not going to just abandon me like every one else in my past. The "father" figures that "loved" me.
My dad died a month after I turned five. So he left us alone. I can only imagine how my mom managed. Then at 10 I remember hiding behind bushes at a friends house watching my dad (step dad that gave us the option of calling him dad or by his first name) put his things in the car and back out of the driveway. Never to return home. Then the next man my mom married was abusive towards her. How can I trust that any man would not abandon me. I guess the whole point is that God is not man. He is God.
I am scared to freely love Him. Fear is not of God, I know that. But given the track history I see why I would feel like this. I know a lot of people would say to just let it go. It is a little hard to just let go of all of that.
So back to the idea of my heart. I fear I am being hard. Maybe God is chiseling away at it. But I wonder then that I am not a good Daughter. Part of my mind tells me that I am just being guarded. I really do love God. Yet I am afraid that He has His back to me and is angry at me. That He just is going to give up on me. I have been told that He is "so good" so it makes me question why I can't see that.
I am praying on this. I want a soft heart for God. I want to let my guard down with Him. I am so scared. I know He is the ultimate surgeon. He will heal my heart and body. However, I wonder if it is only when I let my guard down. God forgive me. Please don't leave.
Saturday, February 27, 2010
Monday, February 15, 2010
I want THAT
I am guilty of it. You probably are too.
Always wanting, not necessarily needing though. I do it. It makes me ashamed but I do it. Wishing I had that beautiful home. Wanting that house. Wanting more then what I have now. Wanting a new car. Wanting a baby.
See a trend here?? Want, want, want. But God tells me He will provide what I NEED. So I am slowly learning to not lean on what I may want but understanding that God will give me what I need.
I found myself wanting again this weekend. I was talking to a friend and I was just in awe. Listening to the way they talked about God, about how He won't leave me. How He loves me SOOO much. I found myself WANTING what my friend had. Love laced every word they spoke. Just utter awe for our Father. You could hear the amazement in their voice. The truth of the love that they spoke of just ripped right in to my heart. I shook my head in disagreement still believing that I will always mess up and do something wrong in order to piss Him off. To make Him say, "Forget it Baby, you are not worth my time."
Just the way my friend talked made me want what they had. The trust and love just radiating through each word. Smiling while they talked saying how good He is. "Oh Misty, He is SO good, so faithful." Just the trust my friend had.
I WANT that. I came to a realization today that it is ok to want that. It really isn't good to continually want a home like the next person, a nice car, a bigger family. What is important is WANTING more of God. Wanting to ooze the love of God through my speech, my actions, my desires. To be patient and understand that He does love me. My friend reminded me of the way a child talks about their Daddy. How He can do no wrong. How He is the strongest person. Reminded me of how you may talk about your big brother (That you get along with). something like, "MY brother is bigger then you and all of this." My friend showed me this love in just the way they talked about our Father. Our big Brother that took the cross.
I want what my friend has. I want to feel that. I am jealous of that. But I think this might be something that is ok to be jealous of because it is making me want to be a better person. Want to pursue more of Him.
I want what my friend has. I really do. I NEED it.
Always wanting, not necessarily needing though. I do it. It makes me ashamed but I do it. Wishing I had that beautiful home. Wanting that house. Wanting more then what I have now. Wanting a new car. Wanting a baby.
See a trend here?? Want, want, want. But God tells me He will provide what I NEED. So I am slowly learning to not lean on what I may want but understanding that God will give me what I need.
I found myself wanting again this weekend. I was talking to a friend and I was just in awe. Listening to the way they talked about God, about how He won't leave me. How He loves me SOOO much. I found myself WANTING what my friend had. Love laced every word they spoke. Just utter awe for our Father. You could hear the amazement in their voice. The truth of the love that they spoke of just ripped right in to my heart. I shook my head in disagreement still believing that I will always mess up and do something wrong in order to piss Him off. To make Him say, "Forget it Baby, you are not worth my time."
Just the way my friend talked made me want what they had. The trust and love just radiating through each word. Smiling while they talked saying how good He is. "Oh Misty, He is SO good, so faithful." Just the trust my friend had.
I WANT that. I came to a realization today that it is ok to want that. It really isn't good to continually want a home like the next person, a nice car, a bigger family. What is important is WANTING more of God. Wanting to ooze the love of God through my speech, my actions, my desires. To be patient and understand that He does love me. My friend reminded me of the way a child talks about their Daddy. How He can do no wrong. How He is the strongest person. Reminded me of how you may talk about your big brother (That you get along with). something like, "MY brother is bigger then you and all of this." My friend showed me this love in just the way they talked about our Father. Our big Brother that took the cross.
I want what my friend has. I want to feel that. I am jealous of that. But I think this might be something that is ok to be jealous of because it is making me want to be a better person. Want to pursue more of Him.
I want what my friend has. I really do. I NEED it.
Saturday, February 13, 2010
Respect
Is it just me or does it seem like generations are losing the respect of their elders. to an extent I find it odd that Cooper's preschool goes by first names but sticking "Miss" in front of it.
Call me old fashion but I prefer the last name deal. A lot of people don't like being called by their last name. Because they feel like their grandma. I would rather Cooper call someone by their last name. I am also asking his friends to call me, "Mrs. Wishart". Sure it reminds me of my mother in law but she is a great person so I don't mind. But for me there is also an element of pride that I have taken on that last name.
Some teenagers I see now are rude all together. Walking behind them with a stroller they rush through the door and let it close. They don't say thank you or please. Some kids even cross the street like they own the road. Now I am not saying that ALL teenagers or younger kids are rude or disrespectful. I have come across some VERY polite kids in my church and other surroundings. My friends respect my wishes to be called Mrs. Wishart. It is not an easy name for kids to say.
Growing up I would never DREAM of calling someone by their first name, even with the MR. or Mrs. or Miss. in front. However now that is what people want. I have a friend that was adiment I don't use their last name so to respect her I use Mrs ________.
I think personally it is a matter of respect to put the prefix in front of names. I think it is a matter of authority to the child to use last names. I have seen so many disrespectful people. I have also seen people give me the odd eye when I ask Cooper to say "thank you sir" or miss or ma'am. It just seems like it is not an accepted thing now. I got in trouble if I didn't address someone by their last name when I was a kid.
I just almost feel like as each generation comes and grows the respect for authorities and elders seems to get a little less. Yes it is not ALL of the generation as you see some that are very polite. I remember it was a rare thing to NOT be polite when I was growing up. Now it is rare TO be polite. What is happening with our world? We are losing the respect. It makes me sad.
You know, even though I am now 30 I STILL prefer to call those older then me, like parents or grandparents by their last names. One time I called a wonderful lady by her last name and she looked at me in shock then smiled.
Call me old fashion but I prefer the last name deal. A lot of people don't like being called by their last name. Because they feel like their grandma. I would rather Cooper call someone by their last name. I am also asking his friends to call me, "Mrs. Wishart". Sure it reminds me of my mother in law but she is a great person so I don't mind. But for me there is also an element of pride that I have taken on that last name.
Some teenagers I see now are rude all together. Walking behind them with a stroller they rush through the door and let it close. They don't say thank you or please. Some kids even cross the street like they own the road. Now I am not saying that ALL teenagers or younger kids are rude or disrespectful. I have come across some VERY polite kids in my church and other surroundings. My friends respect my wishes to be called Mrs. Wishart. It is not an easy name for kids to say.
Growing up I would never DREAM of calling someone by their first name, even with the MR. or Mrs. or Miss. in front. However now that is what people want. I have a friend that was adiment I don't use their last name so to respect her I use Mrs ________.
I think personally it is a matter of respect to put the prefix in front of names. I think it is a matter of authority to the child to use last names. I have seen so many disrespectful people. I have also seen people give me the odd eye when I ask Cooper to say "thank you sir" or miss or ma'am. It just seems like it is not an accepted thing now. I got in trouble if I didn't address someone by their last name when I was a kid.
I just almost feel like as each generation comes and grows the respect for authorities and elders seems to get a little less. Yes it is not ALL of the generation as you see some that are very polite. I remember it was a rare thing to NOT be polite when I was growing up. Now it is rare TO be polite. What is happening with our world? We are losing the respect. It makes me sad.
You know, even though I am now 30 I STILL prefer to call those older then me, like parents or grandparents by their last names. One time I called a wonderful lady by her last name and she looked at me in shock then smiled.
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Dedication
I WANT to know more of the bible. I want to be able to put it in to practice and live by it's principles. I want to be able to understand Jesus' love. What Jesus was like. Yet I get overwhelmed. It takes dedication. Dedication that I fear I would fail at.
Sometimes I look at the bible and think "AHHHHH where do I START!" Then I get frustrated and think there is no point because I will never get it all or be able to understand it. I don't know where to start.
Sometimes I feel like Jesus is TOO big and that He just won't ever have the time for me. Sometimes it is like He won't stoop down to love me.
I know that these are all lies. Lies from the enemy. Jesus is love. Jesus will stoop to care for me. I WILL learn the bible. It is just a matter of asking God to help me. To help me to remain dedicated, to understand the word. Asking God for His guidance as to where I need to go in His book. The best book out there. The ONLY important book.
I want to feel His love and understand completely and fully that He does love me. It takes faith and dedication to remember it every moment of the day. It takes faith to believe the bible and His words. I need help to have the faith and to stay strong.
I have been dedicating myself to a Prayer Group on Wednesday's. I just hope and pray that I keep finding people willing to watch Cooper. I am glad I have been invited to join this group. It has taught me a lot. I am silent and watch. I listen. I feel God move. Looking out the window today it was like I could SEE Him on top of the mountain. Watching over all of my hometown. Watching over us as we prayed. Dedicating His time to us.
The day Jesus outstretched those precious arms on the cross was the day He dedicated to love me, to love you. To give His life; sinless, faultless and pure, for ours; sinful, self centered and full of faults. God dedicated Himself to love us even though we don't deserve it. He hurts when we hurt, He laughs when we laugh. He loves us no matter what. THAT is pure dedication to me.
I feel like I owe it to Him to show Him at least a portion of the dedication that He shows to me. How can I dedicate myself? How can I remain true? I just have to ask for His help. I have to believe. I have to not give up. I have to have the faith.
Jesus gave the biggest dedication of all to all of us. Why? Because He loves us. I am told He will never STOP loving us. How cool is that.
Sometimes I look at the bible and think "AHHHHH where do I START!" Then I get frustrated and think there is no point because I will never get it all or be able to understand it. I don't know where to start.
Sometimes I feel like Jesus is TOO big and that He just won't ever have the time for me. Sometimes it is like He won't stoop down to love me.
I know that these are all lies. Lies from the enemy. Jesus is love. Jesus will stoop to care for me. I WILL learn the bible. It is just a matter of asking God to help me. To help me to remain dedicated, to understand the word. Asking God for His guidance as to where I need to go in His book. The best book out there. The ONLY important book.
I want to feel His love and understand completely and fully that He does love me. It takes faith and dedication to remember it every moment of the day. It takes faith to believe the bible and His words. I need help to have the faith and to stay strong.
I have been dedicating myself to a Prayer Group on Wednesday's. I just hope and pray that I keep finding people willing to watch Cooper. I am glad I have been invited to join this group. It has taught me a lot. I am silent and watch. I listen. I feel God move. Looking out the window today it was like I could SEE Him on top of the mountain. Watching over all of my hometown. Watching over us as we prayed. Dedicating His time to us.
The day Jesus outstretched those precious arms on the cross was the day He dedicated to love me, to love you. To give His life; sinless, faultless and pure, for ours; sinful, self centered and full of faults. God dedicated Himself to love us even though we don't deserve it. He hurts when we hurt, He laughs when we laugh. He loves us no matter what. THAT is pure dedication to me.
I feel like I owe it to Him to show Him at least a portion of the dedication that He shows to me. How can I dedicate myself? How can I remain true? I just have to ask for His help. I have to believe. I have to not give up. I have to have the faith.
Jesus gave the biggest dedication of all to all of us. Why? Because He loves us. I am told He will never STOP loving us. How cool is that.
Friday, January 29, 2010
From a devotional this morning
"Religion is dangerous. Religion would rather debate about healing than see somebody healed. Religion would rather argue about deliverance than see somebody set free.
.......That's the difference between religion and the love of God. Religion argues. Love acts. Choose love today."
.......That's the difference between religion and the love of God. Religion argues. Love acts. Choose love today."
Thursday, January 28, 2010
what a night!
Poor Cooper.
Last night we were at a friends house having dinner. When just out of the blue Cooper started to cry and scream. His hand went to his left ear and he said that it hurt. I was skeptical because it came on so fast. He had NO fever. My friend and I decided to give him some advil and put heat on the ear. About forty five minutes later he was FINE. Running around with the kids and playing. This all started at about 5:30. We dosed him at 6:30-ish.
So he seemed fine and continued to be fine when we got home. Bed time came and he said his ear hurt and was whimpering a bit. There was nothing I could do because the last dose was so recent. Phil was out with the car so no clinic. I told him to try to sleep because it would make it feel better.
So about a quarter to 8 he starts to really cry and scream. I bring him to bed with me to see if he would calm down. He fell asleep but barely. He was whimpering again and crying. Then the screaming started and the cries that his ear really hurt.
Phil got home at 9. By this time no clinics are open so we went to the ER just because he was screaming so loud. We wondered if maybe he put something in it, which was NOT like him, because he still had no fever.
We get to the hospital and his O2 stats were 90 then they went up to 95% so the nurse seemed happy that it went up. His pulse was good and in the hundreds. He was still screaming in pain though.
We get in to see the doc. I lay back half reclined on the bed and Cooper FINALLY falls asleep. Still whimpering in his sleep. Then in comes the doc. I knew it wouldn't go over well. He said that he wanted to look in his ear. So I held Cooper's head and body and the doctor just touched his ear lobe. Cooper woke up screaming bloody murder. Phil had to help me hold him down just so the doc could look. VERY inflamed and infected he said. The right ear was totally fine.
Because Cooper was in so much pain he gave my baby tylenol with codeine. That was his first time EVER with something more then just tylenol or motrin. He ended up conking out though.
I am not sure but he was either having wicked dreams or hallucinating. He slept with me because I am allergic to penicillin and codeine and morphine I was concerned about him with the codeine and amoxicillin. Three am he woke up screaming again and thankfully the hospital gave me a couple more doses of the tylenol with codeine. I gave him that and he slept until 8. He woke up saying his ear was fine. Just a little sore. He didn't want to eat though.
Add this on to the fact that I have been lightheaded for a couple days it was all around hard. My house is a disaster but I really can't stand long enough to do anything. I start to feel faint. Last night was hard holding him and rocking him, trying not to lose it on my own end.
He still had no fever and ear aches aren't contagious so off to school he went. He BEGGED to go to school. I feel bad for him because it looks like he has my ear problems. Which only went away AFTER I got my tonsils and adenoids out.
I feel bad for him. The school will call if he starts to complain. He is very pale though but up in spirits. So if you feel so inclined to pray please pray for healing on our household. Poor kiddo.
Last night we were at a friends house having dinner. When just out of the blue Cooper started to cry and scream. His hand went to his left ear and he said that it hurt. I was skeptical because it came on so fast. He had NO fever. My friend and I decided to give him some advil and put heat on the ear. About forty five minutes later he was FINE. Running around with the kids and playing. This all started at about 5:30. We dosed him at 6:30-ish.
So he seemed fine and continued to be fine when we got home. Bed time came and he said his ear hurt and was whimpering a bit. There was nothing I could do because the last dose was so recent. Phil was out with the car so no clinic. I told him to try to sleep because it would make it feel better.
So about a quarter to 8 he starts to really cry and scream. I bring him to bed with me to see if he would calm down. He fell asleep but barely. He was whimpering again and crying. Then the screaming started and the cries that his ear really hurt.
Phil got home at 9. By this time no clinics are open so we went to the ER just because he was screaming so loud. We wondered if maybe he put something in it, which was NOT like him, because he still had no fever.
We get to the hospital and his O2 stats were 90 then they went up to 95% so the nurse seemed happy that it went up. His pulse was good and in the hundreds. He was still screaming in pain though.
We get in to see the doc. I lay back half reclined on the bed and Cooper FINALLY falls asleep. Still whimpering in his sleep. Then in comes the doc. I knew it wouldn't go over well. He said that he wanted to look in his ear. So I held Cooper's head and body and the doctor just touched his ear lobe. Cooper woke up screaming bloody murder. Phil had to help me hold him down just so the doc could look. VERY inflamed and infected he said. The right ear was totally fine.
Because Cooper was in so much pain he gave my baby tylenol with codeine. That was his first time EVER with something more then just tylenol or motrin. He ended up conking out though.
I am not sure but he was either having wicked dreams or hallucinating. He slept with me because I am allergic to penicillin and codeine and morphine I was concerned about him with the codeine and amoxicillin. Three am he woke up screaming again and thankfully the hospital gave me a couple more doses of the tylenol with codeine. I gave him that and he slept until 8. He woke up saying his ear was fine. Just a little sore. He didn't want to eat though.
Add this on to the fact that I have been lightheaded for a couple days it was all around hard. My house is a disaster but I really can't stand long enough to do anything. I start to feel faint. Last night was hard holding him and rocking him, trying not to lose it on my own end.
He still had no fever and ear aches aren't contagious so off to school he went. He BEGGED to go to school. I feel bad for him because it looks like he has my ear problems. Which only went away AFTER I got my tonsils and adenoids out.
I feel bad for him. The school will call if he starts to complain. He is very pale though but up in spirits. So if you feel so inclined to pray please pray for healing on our household. Poor kiddo.
Monday, January 25, 2010
Decisions
decisions can be tough to make sometimes.
I am right now in the process of fighting off a rash decision.
Year and a half of trying for another child is bugging me a bit. I have ALL of Cooper's baby clothes, toys, bassinet, high chair etc. I have kept everything. I even moved Cooper out of the crib as a toddler bed in to a big bed. So my SUPER NICE crib is not even being used. I have been thinking about taking it and just doing up a double bed for Cooper.
So there is a part of me that just wants to start selling everything. I mean EVERYTHING. The clothes, the tub, the bassinet, stroller, toys, highchair, cloth diapers etc. I just want to get rid of it all.
The thing is WHAT IF we have another baby. I would like to have all that stuff. But I guess there comes a point where I start to wonder if there is a point. It is the bitterness in my heart I think. There is a part of me that thinks that it is just false hope on my part. I just want to get rid of it all. To not even think or remember it as being in storage because it is just a reminder that I can't seem to have another baby.
Then I start feeling guilty for the way I am thinking. Because there are people out there that don't have kids and want them. Then again in comes the selfish feeling. Where is God in all of this? Where is this Father that I can hope in. I want to talk to Him about it but wonder if He is listening.
ok this is a ramble and the decision is to just get rid of everything. But I know that is a rash choice right now. How do I think through this and get through this? I want it gone but then don't want to admit giving up on the hope.
I am right now in the process of fighting off a rash decision.
Year and a half of trying for another child is bugging me a bit. I have ALL of Cooper's baby clothes, toys, bassinet, high chair etc. I have kept everything. I even moved Cooper out of the crib as a toddler bed in to a big bed. So my SUPER NICE crib is not even being used. I have been thinking about taking it and just doing up a double bed for Cooper.
So there is a part of me that just wants to start selling everything. I mean EVERYTHING. The clothes, the tub, the bassinet, stroller, toys, highchair, cloth diapers etc. I just want to get rid of it all.
The thing is WHAT IF we have another baby. I would like to have all that stuff. But I guess there comes a point where I start to wonder if there is a point. It is the bitterness in my heart I think. There is a part of me that thinks that it is just false hope on my part. I just want to get rid of it all. To not even think or remember it as being in storage because it is just a reminder that I can't seem to have another baby.
Then I start feeling guilty for the way I am thinking. Because there are people out there that don't have kids and want them. Then again in comes the selfish feeling. Where is God in all of this? Where is this Father that I can hope in. I want to talk to Him about it but wonder if He is listening.
ok this is a ramble and the decision is to just get rid of everything. But I know that is a rash choice right now. How do I think through this and get through this? I want it gone but then don't want to admit giving up on the hope.
Saturday, January 23, 2010
A realization
you know, I realize that I am extremely blessed. I have a home and am not worried about where my loved ones are. I am thankful for the health insurance we have here.
We are having issues trying to conceive our second child. We have had three losses and a few months of nothing. My body seems to be going haywire with things. It just doesn't seem to like what is going on.
Yet I am going to try my hardest to be thankful because I know I am blessed. My three and a half year old is a great example of it. Sure he can be a pain but I love him. I realize more and more each day what a blessing and what a gift he is.
God made His presence known to me the day I gave birth to Cooper. Went in to the hospital and it was raining REALLY hard. I push and Cooper came out and in that exact moment the sun came through the smaller windows and flooded the room.
I am so thankful for my life. For a husband that loves me. To have a husband. To have computers, a passion for photography. Learning that God loves me and is the great Father I have ever needed. My earthly fathers are no where near as loving and faithful and gracious or merciful.
For some reason just sitting here today, cleaning my son's room I just realize that I am so blessed. I am free to dance and worship in church. I am free to sing. I am in love with my son and husband. Even MORE in love with Jesus. I am so grateful and blessed. I don't want to change anything in my life. I have been hospitalized due to a breakdown. But I am thankful for that. Because one day I will realize why it happened. I can't get pregnant right now but one day I will see what God's plan is. I hold my son a little tighter. I have people in my life that care. I have doctors that give a crap and sometimes that is a rarity in and of itself! I have a church that helps me out even though we were new to the church. I have a counsellor that puts up with me and cares for me.
I have all I ever need. I need to remember that. I am so blessed and it is a freeing realization.
We are having issues trying to conceive our second child. We have had three losses and a few months of nothing. My body seems to be going haywire with things. It just doesn't seem to like what is going on.
Yet I am going to try my hardest to be thankful because I know I am blessed. My three and a half year old is a great example of it. Sure he can be a pain but I love him. I realize more and more each day what a blessing and what a gift he is.
God made His presence known to me the day I gave birth to Cooper. Went in to the hospital and it was raining REALLY hard. I push and Cooper came out and in that exact moment the sun came through the smaller windows and flooded the room.
I am so thankful for my life. For a husband that loves me. To have a husband. To have computers, a passion for photography. Learning that God loves me and is the great Father I have ever needed. My earthly fathers are no where near as loving and faithful and gracious or merciful.
For some reason just sitting here today, cleaning my son's room I just realize that I am so blessed. I am free to dance and worship in church. I am free to sing. I am in love with my son and husband. Even MORE in love with Jesus. I am so grateful and blessed. I don't want to change anything in my life. I have been hospitalized due to a breakdown. But I am thankful for that. Because one day I will realize why it happened. I can't get pregnant right now but one day I will see what God's plan is. I hold my son a little tighter. I have people in my life that care. I have doctors that give a crap and sometimes that is a rarity in and of itself! I have a church that helps me out even though we were new to the church. I have a counsellor that puts up with me and cares for me.
I have all I ever need. I need to remember that. I am so blessed and it is a freeing realization.
Monday, January 11, 2010
Monday, December 28, 2009
The World
sure can be a tricky place. So full of sin, thanks Adam and Eve, confussion, people assuming THEY know what is best for YOUR child.
Education comes to mind for me. I have felt like I am not doing enough. I have been made to feel like a horrible mother. I have chosen a Christian based preschool for my child. I can't afford a private school for him but I try my best. I have been told I am damning my child to satan because he would be going to public school. I tend to disagree.
I have chosen to do what I am doing based on what feels right for my family.
Sin is everywhere you look. It is pathetic really. People are afraid of God so they fight what they don't know. Believe in Heaven but not Hell or God. Or they believe in Hell but not Heaven or God. I just find it interesting that some people can be so nieve and believe in one and not the other. To me those places go hand in hand.
I really struggle learning about the bible and trusting in God. Then other people make me feel horrible for the struggles. Did you know even Mother Teresa struggled and had questions. I think if you were to tell me you never struggle and you have always walked the walk with God without ever questioning or without ever having the "Job" moments I would challenge you to really look at yourself. There is not one person in this world that is perfect.
You know life is what you make it. You choose to be in a dark place you will stay there. Lately I have been choosing to TRY to be as positive as I can. Boy does it feel good too. I am leaving things up to God and am trying really hard each day to remember that and to trust Him and keep my faith in Him growing.
The world is a very judgmental place. A cruel place. People afraid of what they don't know. Afraid of not being able to control their own life. Anger at the slightest things. People thinking that THEY know what is best for you and your family. I am guilty of judging but I am working on it. After all there is only One who can and should judge. I think we all forget that sometimes.
I feel like God has gifted me in the way of Photography, although the world (ie. other people) can be negative and knock me down. Some have made me feel like I should not bother. That I should pack the camera away and give up. Yet there is this still small voice that tells me to keep shooting. Guess it is time to tune out the world and to start listening to that "still small voice"
just a ramble of many things today. Hope it makes SOME sense. It has been a while since I last wrote. My bad. lol
Education comes to mind for me. I have felt like I am not doing enough. I have been made to feel like a horrible mother. I have chosen a Christian based preschool for my child. I can't afford a private school for him but I try my best. I have been told I am damning my child to satan because he would be going to public school. I tend to disagree.
I have chosen to do what I am doing based on what feels right for my family.
Sin is everywhere you look. It is pathetic really. People are afraid of God so they fight what they don't know. Believe in Heaven but not Hell or God. Or they believe in Hell but not Heaven or God. I just find it interesting that some people can be so nieve and believe in one and not the other. To me those places go hand in hand.
I really struggle learning about the bible and trusting in God. Then other people make me feel horrible for the struggles. Did you know even Mother Teresa struggled and had questions. I think if you were to tell me you never struggle and you have always walked the walk with God without ever questioning or without ever having the "Job" moments I would challenge you to really look at yourself. There is not one person in this world that is perfect.
You know life is what you make it. You choose to be in a dark place you will stay there. Lately I have been choosing to TRY to be as positive as I can. Boy does it feel good too. I am leaving things up to God and am trying really hard each day to remember that and to trust Him and keep my faith in Him growing.
The world is a very judgmental place. A cruel place. People afraid of what they don't know. Afraid of not being able to control their own life. Anger at the slightest things. People thinking that THEY know what is best for you and your family. I am guilty of judging but I am working on it. After all there is only One who can and should judge. I think we all forget that sometimes.
I feel like God has gifted me in the way of Photography, although the world (ie. other people) can be negative and knock me down. Some have made me feel like I should not bother. That I should pack the camera away and give up. Yet there is this still small voice that tells me to keep shooting. Guess it is time to tune out the world and to start listening to that "still small voice"
just a ramble of many things today. Hope it makes SOME sense. It has been a while since I last wrote. My bad. lol
Wednesday, December 09, 2009
What it Feels Like -FFH
A friend asked for my help in finding a song that she knew only the chorus to. I found it and I think it is SO fitting and perfect.
What it Feels Like - FFH
So this is what if feels like to walk the wilderness
and this is what if feels like to come undone
So this is what if feels like to loose my confidence
unsure of anything or anyone
So this is what if feels like to walk the desert sand
and this is what if feels like to hear my name
and to be scared to death cause I'm all alone
but feel love and peace just the same
And this may not be the road I would choose for me
but it still feels right somehow
And I have never felt you as close to me as I do right now
So this is what if feels like to be led
So this is what if feels like to have it fall apart
to be totally unglued
and find out if I accept my brokenness
I get more of me, I get all of you
If this is what if feels like to be on shaky ground
Careful of every step I take
Realizing as I stop to look around
I look around and see everything a different way
and this may not be the road I would choose for me
but it still feels right somehow
cause I have never felt you as close to me as I do right now
So this is what if feels like to be led
and this is what if feels like to be led
So this is what if feels like to just walk away
from everything I thought kept me safe
to depend just on you for every meal
and find it's better this way
oh it's better this way
And this may not be the road I would choose for me
but it still feels right somehow
And I have never felt you as close to me as I do right now
like i do right now
And this may not be the road I would choose for me
but it still feels right somehow
And I have never felt you as close to me as I do right now
And this is what if feels like to be led
And this is what if feels like to be led
And this is what if feels like
What it Feels Like - FFH
So this is what if feels like to walk the wilderness
and this is what if feels like to come undone
So this is what if feels like to loose my confidence
unsure of anything or anyone
So this is what if feels like to walk the desert sand
and this is what if feels like to hear my name
and to be scared to death cause I'm all alone
but feel love and peace just the same
And this may not be the road I would choose for me
but it still feels right somehow
And I have never felt you as close to me as I do right now
So this is what if feels like to be led
So this is what if feels like to have it fall apart
to be totally unglued
and find out if I accept my brokenness
I get more of me, I get all of you
If this is what if feels like to be on shaky ground
Careful of every step I take
Realizing as I stop to look around
I look around and see everything a different way
and this may not be the road I would choose for me
but it still feels right somehow
cause I have never felt you as close to me as I do right now
So this is what if feels like to be led
and this is what if feels like to be led
So this is what if feels like to just walk away
from everything I thought kept me safe
to depend just on you for every meal
and find it's better this way
oh it's better this way
And this may not be the road I would choose for me
but it still feels right somehow
And I have never felt you as close to me as I do right now
like i do right now
And this may not be the road I would choose for me
but it still feels right somehow
And I have never felt you as close to me as I do right now
And this is what if feels like to be led
And this is what if feels like to be led
And this is what if feels like
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Preparation
You know, I have always been told during the hard circumstances and situations that one day I would be able to look back and see what God was preparing me for. It really does happen like that every time. In the situation I am frustrated and confused and scared etc. Who wouldn't be? I don't feel like God is there but I know deep down that He is.
I was hospitalized due to a break down at the end of April this year. I was there for 5 weeks. I felt SO much darkness in that ward and in my room and in my own heart. I felt like God wasn't there yet He kept sending me verses over and over.
I had people come to visit me that I didn't think ever would. Phil supported me and brought Cooper to me EVERY SINGLE night. Not missing even one night. Sometimes he would bring him by in the morning as well. It was heart breaking to not be with my family but I knew I had to be there for a season in order to get better.
The nurses and doctors helped me get meds figured out and manage life better. They helped me to get back on me feet. I can tell you now that I am grateful for that time spent there.
A lot of crap has been happening lately. Someone I know and love having their life threatened. Being told they would be killed. I don't know how to help them but just let them know I am here.
Family members feeling sick.
Feeling short on money. (what's new there. lol)
But as I sit here typing all this I can honestly say that I am doing fairly well considering all my circumstances. I know I am being vague but this is the way it has to be for right now.
I can look back now and know that God brought me through one storm so that I could get through the current one. I am not trying to do this on my own. I am trying to lean on God for strength. I am not strong enough to do it on my own, only He has the strength I need.
Getting words of wisdom and prayer from others just emphasizes that yeah He is listening. No matter how I feel like He may not be here. With everything that is happening I am quite surprised that I haven't gone down hill. I know that it is only by the Grace of God that I haven't. There is NO other way to explain it.
So I look back seeing that God was preparing me for this stuff. He was preparing me to be able to walk through this storm. Then I think, this storm will prepare me to walk through the next.
I am not usually able to see the Son in the midst of the storm but I have been able to this time around. I can honestly tell you that it feels WONDERFUL to know that God is here. That my Dad won't abandon me. That He is sending others to me in order to help me walk the journey. In order that I am not alone.
Sometimes the trials suck monkey butt but now that I can sit here knowing it was for my own good and it was to prepare me I am happy that God thinks I am worthy enough and strong enough to endure those times. I don't like those times but who rightfully does. But just knowing that the Father will NOT abandon me, hurt me, belittle me, judge me, abuse me, or stop loving me and that He is there provides a peace.
Although I have problems sleeping right now I just know that this too will pass, and I will be able to have the peace again. So while leaning on God I am also sharing with others as I felt lead.
Thankfully He was kind enough to prepare me.
I was hospitalized due to a break down at the end of April this year. I was there for 5 weeks. I felt SO much darkness in that ward and in my room and in my own heart. I felt like God wasn't there yet He kept sending me verses over and over.
I had people come to visit me that I didn't think ever would. Phil supported me and brought Cooper to me EVERY SINGLE night. Not missing even one night. Sometimes he would bring him by in the morning as well. It was heart breaking to not be with my family but I knew I had to be there for a season in order to get better.
The nurses and doctors helped me get meds figured out and manage life better. They helped me to get back on me feet. I can tell you now that I am grateful for that time spent there.
A lot of crap has been happening lately. Someone I know and love having their life threatened. Being told they would be killed. I don't know how to help them but just let them know I am here.
Family members feeling sick.
Feeling short on money. (what's new there. lol)
But as I sit here typing all this I can honestly say that I am doing fairly well considering all my circumstances. I know I am being vague but this is the way it has to be for right now.
I can look back now and know that God brought me through one storm so that I could get through the current one. I am not trying to do this on my own. I am trying to lean on God for strength. I am not strong enough to do it on my own, only He has the strength I need.
Getting words of wisdom and prayer from others just emphasizes that yeah He is listening. No matter how I feel like He may not be here. With everything that is happening I am quite surprised that I haven't gone down hill. I know that it is only by the Grace of God that I haven't. There is NO other way to explain it.
So I look back seeing that God was preparing me for this stuff. He was preparing me to be able to walk through this storm. Then I think, this storm will prepare me to walk through the next.
I am not usually able to see the Son in the midst of the storm but I have been able to this time around. I can honestly tell you that it feels WONDERFUL to know that God is here. That my Dad won't abandon me. That He is sending others to me in order to help me walk the journey. In order that I am not alone.
Sometimes the trials suck monkey butt but now that I can sit here knowing it was for my own good and it was to prepare me I am happy that God thinks I am worthy enough and strong enough to endure those times. I don't like those times but who rightfully does. But just knowing that the Father will NOT abandon me, hurt me, belittle me, judge me, abuse me, or stop loving me and that He is there provides a peace.
Although I have problems sleeping right now I just know that this too will pass, and I will be able to have the peace again. So while leaning on God I am also sharing with others as I felt lead.
Thankfully He was kind enough to prepare me.
Friday, November 20, 2009
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Devotional
I received this yesterday morning. The morning after I had decided I want to just shut off from everyone and everything. Then I did notice that yesterday it just seemed so impossible. People talking, emailing, things to do. Funny how God comes through...
Prime Time with God Devotional
Today's Prayer
God, I come to You seeking Your face, searching for answers so I can do something about the problems. There is so much turmoil in the world. There have been so many disasters, many beyond man's control. I pray that You will broaden the minds the people affected by each incident and open their eyes to see what You want them to learn. And I pray that they will respond in the right way. I know that You sometimes allow pressures in my life to bring attention to an issue You want me to take care of too. I pray today, that You as my Loving Father will make known anything that stands in the way of fellowship between You and I. I want to turn from any wrongdoing, and "step up to the plate" to do the right thing, no matter how great or how simple it may seem. I praise You for Who You are, for all You do, and for the fellowship we share through prayer. In Jesus' name, amen.
Come Out of the Stronghold
TGIF Today God Is First Volume 2, by Os Hillman
11-18-2009
"...Do not stay in the stronghold. Go into the land of Judah ..." (1 Samuel 22:5).
David and his fighting men had been hiding in the cave of Adullam. He was fleeing Saul. Many of life's down-and-out had come and joined David's army. David was content to stay in the stronghold of safety. Then, God's prophet came to David and told him that he must leave the stronghold and go into the land of Judah. Judah means "praise."
When life beats down on us and we get to the place where we want to hide in a cave, God often places people around us who prod us into moving in the right direction. He does not want us to remain in the place of discouragement. He wants us to move into the land of praise.
I recall when I went through a very difficult time. It seemed to drag on and on with no change until finally I wanted to retreat to a cave and forget pressing on. It was a great time of discouragement. A godly man came to me and said, "You must keep moving! There are too many who are depending on you in the Kingdom."
I didn't totally understand what he meant at the time. Now I know he was saying that God is preparing each of us to be the vessel He wants to use in the life of another person, but we will never be that vessel if we give up and hide in our cave of discouragement. Not only must we keep moving, we must move into a new realm. Our attitude must move from discouragement to praise.
"He has sent me to bind up the broken-hearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners - to comfort all who mourn. ... a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor" (Isa 61:1-3).
It is only when we move past discouragement to praise that we begin living above our problems. Make a decision today to go into the land of Judah.
Prime Time with God Devotional
Today's Prayer
God, I come to You seeking Your face, searching for answers so I can do something about the problems. There is so much turmoil in the world. There have been so many disasters, many beyond man's control. I pray that You will broaden the minds the people affected by each incident and open their eyes to see what You want them to learn. And I pray that they will respond in the right way. I know that You sometimes allow pressures in my life to bring attention to an issue You want me to take care of too. I pray today, that You as my Loving Father will make known anything that stands in the way of fellowship between You and I. I want to turn from any wrongdoing, and "step up to the plate" to do the right thing, no matter how great or how simple it may seem. I praise You for Who You are, for all You do, and for the fellowship we share through prayer. In Jesus' name, amen.
Come Out of the Stronghold
TGIF Today God Is First Volume 2, by Os Hillman
11-18-2009
"...Do not stay in the stronghold. Go into the land of Judah ..." (1 Samuel 22:5).
David and his fighting men had been hiding in the cave of Adullam. He was fleeing Saul. Many of life's down-and-out had come and joined David's army. David was content to stay in the stronghold of safety. Then, God's prophet came to David and told him that he must leave the stronghold and go into the land of Judah. Judah means "praise."
When life beats down on us and we get to the place where we want to hide in a cave, God often places people around us who prod us into moving in the right direction. He does not want us to remain in the place of discouragement. He wants us to move into the land of praise.
I recall when I went through a very difficult time. It seemed to drag on and on with no change until finally I wanted to retreat to a cave and forget pressing on. It was a great time of discouragement. A godly man came to me and said, "You must keep moving! There are too many who are depending on you in the Kingdom."
I didn't totally understand what he meant at the time. Now I know he was saying that God is preparing each of us to be the vessel He wants to use in the life of another person, but we will never be that vessel if we give up and hide in our cave of discouragement. Not only must we keep moving, we must move into a new realm. Our attitude must move from discouragement to praise.
"He has sent me to bind up the broken-hearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners - to comfort all who mourn. ... a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor" (Isa 61:1-3).
It is only when we move past discouragement to praise that we begin living above our problems. Make a decision today to go into the land of Judah.
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Seven Steps to Freedom
*another view point from the book, "Answers and Hope for the Struggling Christian." by Henry Warkentin
So upon reading some more I came across a chapter called, "Seven Steps to Freedom" p.86. Naturally I went in to the chapter as just a read. But then I went back and re-read it deciding I would actually take the time to at least do this for ONE area. I wanted to write it out here.
Henry suggests that the steps to freedom "can show us how to take back the ground we have conceded to Satan. It is not enough to KNOW about our sin, we also need to deal with it." p.86 (emphasis mine)
The steps are as follows:
1. Identify the Lie - "the lie will come through thoughts and feelings." p.87
2. Confess believing the Lie as Sin - "Believing a lie is a sin against God." p.87
3. Ask forgiveness for believing the Lie - "believing the lie must be confessed, and asking for forgiveness is mandatory." p.88
4. Thank God for the Forgiveness - "By thanking Him we are accepting that the sin is gone." p.88
5. Take Authority - "We have to choose to believe that this authority is now ours, just as Jesus said." p.89
6. Confess the Truth in that Area - "ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free (John 8:32)" p.90
7. Ask God to Fill the Released Area with the Holy Spirit - "We don't want that area left with an empty void, so we must ask God to fill the released area with the Holy Spirit." p.91
WHEW!!! Sounds like a LOT of work but here goes nothing.......
1. I am not worthy
2. Lord, I have been believing this lie and thus am sinning.
3. Father please forgive me that I believe this lie. That I feel in my heart that I am not worthy and never will be. Please forgive me that this in turn makes me hesitant to trust. ""I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!" (Mark 9:24)
4. Thank you Father that You are so forgiving. That you still love me and forgive me with open arms.
5. Satan, PISS OFF. I AM worthy and you are not to bother me or lead me to believe in this lie of not being worthy anymore.
6. The truth is that I am worthy because of You Jesus. Because of Your blood. Thank you.
7. Please Father God, help to fill this area where the lie, the sin, the unbelief sat for so long. Please help me to fill it with Your truth, Your trust and Your love. Because I am worthy through you. YOU believe I am worthy.
ok did it. Now that is just something I will have to make sure I try my hardest to keep remembering over and over.
I have never felt worthy but the truth is that I am in fact worthy because of Jesus. Lately my son has come up with a VERY interesting question. "Mommy, who bought me." At first I told that little three and a half year old boy that no one bought him. That he is ours.
Then it got me thinking and I think I was more prepared for the question when it came later that night.
"Mommy, who bought me."
"Well Cooper, Jesus bought you."
"How Mommy?"
"Remember your book tells you that the blood of Jesus was shed on the cross?"
"yes"
"well that blood was the price that Jesus paid for us. Because He loves you and cares for you."
"oh."
yeah it would have been nice if the questions stopped there. But the next day he asked the same thing again and I gave the same answer. Then he threw me for a loop.
"Mommy who bought you?"
pause, silence, small sigh.....
"Jesus did."
"Why?"
"Because Jesus loves me just like He loves you. He bought us so that we can spend eternity with Him in Heaven."
"Why?"
"Because God believes in us and believes that we are worthy."
"ok"
ummmm..........there it was right there. I was telling my own son that WE were worthy. Not just Cooper was worthy but I was worthy too. We were made worthy through Jesus and I guess writing that on my bathroom mirror and seeing it every day is starting to sink home.
I can tell you it felt good to admit that out loud to my son.
I had someone this past month who had hurt me deeply in my past apologize. They told me they are ready to make a change. WOW! Then I am starting to realize as well that through Jesus I am worthy. I didn't DO anything to BE worthy but that is the point. He loves me just the same.
So Lord, in closing......forgive me. Help me break the lie. Help me be an example. Help me to trust you and know that I am indeed worthy.
So upon reading some more I came across a chapter called, "Seven Steps to Freedom" p.86. Naturally I went in to the chapter as just a read. But then I went back and re-read it deciding I would actually take the time to at least do this for ONE area. I wanted to write it out here.
Henry suggests that the steps to freedom "can show us how to take back the ground we have conceded to Satan. It is not enough to KNOW about our sin, we also need to deal with it." p.86 (emphasis mine)
The steps are as follows:
1. Identify the Lie - "the lie will come through thoughts and feelings." p.87
2. Confess believing the Lie as Sin - "Believing a lie is a sin against God." p.87
3. Ask forgiveness for believing the Lie - "believing the lie must be confessed, and asking for forgiveness is mandatory." p.88
4. Thank God for the Forgiveness - "By thanking Him we are accepting that the sin is gone." p.88
5. Take Authority - "We have to choose to believe that this authority is now ours, just as Jesus said." p.89
6. Confess the Truth in that Area - "ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free (John 8:32)" p.90
7. Ask God to Fill the Released Area with the Holy Spirit - "We don't want that area left with an empty void, so we must ask God to fill the released area with the Holy Spirit." p.91
WHEW!!! Sounds like a LOT of work but here goes nothing.......
1. I am not worthy
2. Lord, I have been believing this lie and thus am sinning.
3. Father please forgive me that I believe this lie. That I feel in my heart that I am not worthy and never will be. Please forgive me that this in turn makes me hesitant to trust. ""I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!" (Mark 9:24)
4. Thank you Father that You are so forgiving. That you still love me and forgive me with open arms.
5. Satan, PISS OFF. I AM worthy and you are not to bother me or lead me to believe in this lie of not being worthy anymore.
6. The truth is that I am worthy because of You Jesus. Because of Your blood. Thank you.
7. Please Father God, help to fill this area where the lie, the sin, the unbelief sat for so long. Please help me to fill it with Your truth, Your trust and Your love. Because I am worthy through you. YOU believe I am worthy.
ok did it. Now that is just something I will have to make sure I try my hardest to keep remembering over and over.
I have never felt worthy but the truth is that I am in fact worthy because of Jesus. Lately my son has come up with a VERY interesting question. "Mommy, who bought me." At first I told that little three and a half year old boy that no one bought him. That he is ours.
Then it got me thinking and I think I was more prepared for the question when it came later that night.
"Mommy, who bought me."
"Well Cooper, Jesus bought you."
"How Mommy?"
"Remember your book tells you that the blood of Jesus was shed on the cross?"
"yes"
"well that blood was the price that Jesus paid for us. Because He loves you and cares for you."
"oh."
yeah it would have been nice if the questions stopped there. But the next day he asked the same thing again and I gave the same answer. Then he threw me for a loop.
"Mommy who bought you?"
pause, silence, small sigh.....
"Jesus did."
"Why?"
"Because Jesus loves me just like He loves you. He bought us so that we can spend eternity with Him in Heaven."
"Why?"
"Because God believes in us and believes that we are worthy."
"ok"
ummmm..........there it was right there. I was telling my own son that WE were worthy. Not just Cooper was worthy but I was worthy too. We were made worthy through Jesus and I guess writing that on my bathroom mirror and seeing it every day is starting to sink home.
I can tell you it felt good to admit that out loud to my son.
I had someone this past month who had hurt me deeply in my past apologize. They told me they are ready to make a change. WOW! Then I am starting to realize as well that through Jesus I am worthy. I didn't DO anything to BE worthy but that is the point. He loves me just the same.
So Lord, in closing......forgive me. Help me break the lie. Help me be an example. Help me to trust you and know that I am indeed worthy.
Sunday, October 25, 2009
just some things.....
that have been irking me this morning and I figure I better get it off my chest rather then let it get me down. We know how the enemy likes to work. "Oh! She is feeling down about this? Let's just keep it that way and make it a little worse".
ok...bear with me...
I have been put on blood thinners because my doctor had found out I have a case of hyperhomocystine. (Yeah you would have to look up homocystine yourself. lol) However, to give you a basic bit of info basically I clot too much. So now am on a low dose of ASA each day. Now even though it is a low dose I am noticing some little differences. My bruises have been big and nasty. Guess more blood can come to the surface now. Also when I cut myself I bleed. I bleed too much. For example shaving this morning I hit a little tiny pimple. I have been nursing the bleed for 20 minutes. It just keeps coming and as of yet it hasn't stopped! Damn pimples!
Now on to pimples...I am breaking out like a freaking teen aged girl. DUDE! I am 30. I thought by 30 this stuff would STOP. Yeah, I lived in a dream world!
My hair needs to be dyed and we can't afford it right now. Yeah, buy a box people will say but I really would rather leave it to the professionals to do it. I have about three inches of roots! You know it is bad when you try to think of things to do with your hair to hide the roots and the whites. Today it is in a french braid. The problem is when I do that or even a pony tail the braided part and the pony tail itself are different colors then the base of my head. Oh and with the braid you can see the white streaks of hair.
grr...damn pimple STILL bleeding.
I have been on the fence about halloween. Do we take Cooper trick or treating or not?
I have been having dreams about having a second child but my body is evidence that it won't let me! Oh well, only God knows what will happen there.
I need a pair of jeans.
We need to go get some groceries.
I am thankful for my new camera accessory though and am thinking of some things I want to do today. I want to make a backdrop stand in my house. It will involve a curtain rod. lol. I want to organize the storage locker outside.
I just have many things swimming in my head. As I sit here and look out the window though a smile creeps across my face. It is a beautiful sunrise this morning. Mind you it is red and that means we are in for some wicked weather but it made me smile that God reminds me He is listening. I wonder if HE is tired of my complaining yet?
Dang thing still bleeding...
ok...bear with me...
I have been put on blood thinners because my doctor had found out I have a case of hyperhomocystine. (Yeah you would have to look up homocystine yourself. lol) However, to give you a basic bit of info basically I clot too much. So now am on a low dose of ASA each day. Now even though it is a low dose I am noticing some little differences. My bruises have been big and nasty. Guess more blood can come to the surface now. Also when I cut myself I bleed. I bleed too much. For example shaving this morning I hit a little tiny pimple. I have been nursing the bleed for 20 minutes. It just keeps coming and as of yet it hasn't stopped! Damn pimples!
Now on to pimples...I am breaking out like a freaking teen aged girl. DUDE! I am 30. I thought by 30 this stuff would STOP. Yeah, I lived in a dream world!
My hair needs to be dyed and we can't afford it right now. Yeah, buy a box people will say but I really would rather leave it to the professionals to do it. I have about three inches of roots! You know it is bad when you try to think of things to do with your hair to hide the roots and the whites. Today it is in a french braid. The problem is when I do that or even a pony tail the braided part and the pony tail itself are different colors then the base of my head. Oh and with the braid you can see the white streaks of hair.
grr...damn pimple STILL bleeding.
I have been on the fence about halloween. Do we take Cooper trick or treating or not?
I have been having dreams about having a second child but my body is evidence that it won't let me! Oh well, only God knows what will happen there.
I need a pair of jeans.
We need to go get some groceries.
I am thankful for my new camera accessory though and am thinking of some things I want to do today. I want to make a backdrop stand in my house. It will involve a curtain rod. lol. I want to organize the storage locker outside.
I just have many things swimming in my head. As I sit here and look out the window though a smile creeps across my face. It is a beautiful sunrise this morning. Mind you it is red and that means we are in for some wicked weather but it made me smile that God reminds me He is listening. I wonder if HE is tired of my complaining yet?
Dang thing still bleeding...
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Answers and Hope for the Struggling Christian
by Henry Warkentin
A friend of mine gave me a copy of this book. I am really not too far in to it as it is not a book you can read cover to cover. You have to take it one section at a time. So far I have noticed that it has been opening my eyes to some of the tactics the Devil uses. He is one slippery bugger.
On page 68 it starts to go in to "The Emotions".
"Not only does the devil impose thoughts directly into our intellect, but he often imposes feelings on our emotions as well."
I found that pretty darn interesting. I was thinking that it was me that was a screw up and a mess up. That it was my thoughts that were harming me when all along it is the enemy knowing which buttons to push and knowing how to get in to my thoughts.
"Most often, the Enemy imposes both thoughts and feelings.
Imposed feelings are very convincing because the feelings happen right inside the emotional part of our being. Coupled with the fact that the world tells us to trust our feelings, we are easily fooled." p. 69
Maybe this is why I have been told over and over that feelings are fickle. That I can't fully rely on them. I FEEL stupid. Am I? My school grades never showed it. I FEEL like a failure. Am I? Not so sure, I do have a happy, healthy son and am doing what I have always wanted to do. I feel like God is going to abandon me? Will He? Umm..I am being told no. Then that is evident to me in the fact that no matter where I struggle or what stage I am at He always has a way of showing Himself. Coming through someone or another. I FEEL like I am not good enough. Am I? No. God says I am because of His Mercy.
"...when we believe the devil's lies, no matter how logical they seem, it gives the Enemy power in our lives. It is important to see that in order to believe the devil's lies, we have to reject God's truth." p.71
See the thing for me is that I believe I am not worthy of God. That I am ugly. I am stupid. I am a failure. But God's truth and word tells me other wise. He tells me that I am "Fearfully and wonderfully made." That I am made "in His image" and that God does not make mistakes.
So every lie I believe sounds like the truth to me. It sounds so real and accurate so I choose to believe it. I feel like it is true therefore it must be. However, because Satan is able to get deep in to our intellect and feelings I in turn believe what he is saying and start rejecting the Truth. "The Truth will set you free." From all the enemy's lies and schemes I can be set free if I just choose to remember the truth. Because he can slip right in there though the lies FEEL like truth. Like I can't win. Then I can't feel God. I feel lost to Him. I feel alone. Then there it is again, feelings coming from lies.
Where am I going with this? Not fully sure but I do know I have wanted to share the quotes for quite a while. It gives me a bit of a sense of relief knowing that maybe I am not miss-wired. That I am not a complete screw up and that in fact something greater then my own thoughts is at work here. It is the enemy that has to be driven out of my mind. That is why we have to tell him OUT LOUD to bugger off. To get our of our lives. It was a relief to me to read what I did and realize that I am not alone and am not COMPLETELY insane. A relief that although I FEEL like God is not here it is a lie. That lie is far from the truth.
The truth. God is good. God is mercy. I am not worthy but GOD feels I am. Not being worthy enough but it being the point because I was saved by His Grace. God is real. God is here. I AM NOT ALONE. Just some things I have been trying to process. I am sure more things will come up eventually but this is it for now.
Just amazed me that the enemy can get so deep in to your mind. BUT he can't steal my spirit. No matter how much he masks it God is still there. No matter how dim the light feels it is still lit.
Yes I struggle. Who of us doesn't. If you say you don't I would have to ask you if you are lying to yourself. Or if it is the enemy lying TO you. The struggles make us stronger. This is a good book so far and it really is helping to give me insight in to how the enemy can be so tricky. I recommend it so far and I believe it is in fact giving me the Hope and the Answers I need.
A friend of mine gave me a copy of this book. I am really not too far in to it as it is not a book you can read cover to cover. You have to take it one section at a time. So far I have noticed that it has been opening my eyes to some of the tactics the Devil uses. He is one slippery bugger.
On page 68 it starts to go in to "The Emotions".
"Not only does the devil impose thoughts directly into our intellect, but he often imposes feelings on our emotions as well."
I found that pretty darn interesting. I was thinking that it was me that was a screw up and a mess up. That it was my thoughts that were harming me when all along it is the enemy knowing which buttons to push and knowing how to get in to my thoughts.
"Most often, the Enemy imposes both thoughts and feelings.
Imposed feelings are very convincing because the feelings happen right inside the emotional part of our being. Coupled with the fact that the world tells us to trust our feelings, we are easily fooled." p. 69
Maybe this is why I have been told over and over that feelings are fickle. That I can't fully rely on them. I FEEL stupid. Am I? My school grades never showed it. I FEEL like a failure. Am I? Not so sure, I do have a happy, healthy son and am doing what I have always wanted to do. I feel like God is going to abandon me? Will He? Umm..I am being told no. Then that is evident to me in the fact that no matter where I struggle or what stage I am at He always has a way of showing Himself. Coming through someone or another. I FEEL like I am not good enough. Am I? No. God says I am because of His Mercy.
"...when we believe the devil's lies, no matter how logical they seem, it gives the Enemy power in our lives. It is important to see that in order to believe the devil's lies, we have to reject God's truth." p.71
See the thing for me is that I believe I am not worthy of God. That I am ugly. I am stupid. I am a failure. But God's truth and word tells me other wise. He tells me that I am "Fearfully and wonderfully made." That I am made "in His image" and that God does not make mistakes.
So every lie I believe sounds like the truth to me. It sounds so real and accurate so I choose to believe it. I feel like it is true therefore it must be. However, because Satan is able to get deep in to our intellect and feelings I in turn believe what he is saying and start rejecting the Truth. "The Truth will set you free." From all the enemy's lies and schemes I can be set free if I just choose to remember the truth. Because he can slip right in there though the lies FEEL like truth. Like I can't win. Then I can't feel God. I feel lost to Him. I feel alone. Then there it is again, feelings coming from lies.
Where am I going with this? Not fully sure but I do know I have wanted to share the quotes for quite a while. It gives me a bit of a sense of relief knowing that maybe I am not miss-wired. That I am not a complete screw up and that in fact something greater then my own thoughts is at work here. It is the enemy that has to be driven out of my mind. That is why we have to tell him OUT LOUD to bugger off. To get our of our lives. It was a relief to me to read what I did and realize that I am not alone and am not COMPLETELY insane. A relief that although I FEEL like God is not here it is a lie. That lie is far from the truth.
The truth. God is good. God is mercy. I am not worthy but GOD feels I am. Not being worthy enough but it being the point because I was saved by His Grace. God is real. God is here. I AM NOT ALONE. Just some things I have been trying to process. I am sure more things will come up eventually but this is it for now.
Just amazed me that the enemy can get so deep in to your mind. BUT he can't steal my spirit. No matter how much he masks it God is still there. No matter how dim the light feels it is still lit.
Yes I struggle. Who of us doesn't. If you say you don't I would have to ask you if you are lying to yourself. Or if it is the enemy lying TO you. The struggles make us stronger. This is a good book so far and it really is helping to give me insight in to how the enemy can be so tricky. I recommend it so far and I believe it is in fact giving me the Hope and the Answers I need.
Monday, October 12, 2009
Thankfulness
Today is another Thanksgiving day for us here in Canada. I love thanksgiving and it's traditions and TURKEY. But I also love being able to stop and be thankful for things God has given.
So today I find myself wanting to share it with all.....
in NO particular order:
~God. Thankful that He hasn't given up on me, that He won't give up on me. That He understands me and my heart but continues to be patient. No matter how big He feels to me knowing that He is the Daddy that will always be able to stoop and hold me in His arms provides me some comfort.
~Phil. What can I say? This man is a wonderful gift from God. He works hard to provide for us and loves me in all my "moments". Even though some weeks are tough because he is working so much I am thankful for him and that he has a steady job in these times. That he works hard so I can stay home and raise our children.
~Cooper. This little boy is the light of my life. Going through three miscarriages in 10 months was a shitty deal. I know people go through worse but during those times and even now it reminds me what a wonderful gift my little boy is. What a blessing he is. He is so smart and I love the moments where he runs up and says, "MOMMY!" Then I say, yes Cooper. Then he looks at me with those beautiful eyes and says, "I LOVE YOU!" then takes off again.
~My miscarriages. You know, believe it or not I am thankful for having pulled through those times. It has given me a sense of understanding for others. It has opened my eyes to how fortunate I am to have one child. Although the hurt is still there I find that if I didn't go through that I wouldn't be as thankful as I am today.
~My hospital stay. I had a break down and was admitted for 5 weeks. It was a hell of a time. I started out numb and angry. Hurt and alone. Such a dark lonely time. A friend said that although I can't see it right now there will come a day I will look back on it and be thankful. I am thinking that day is here. I needed that time to grow closer to God. To understand why things were happening. Although it was a dark time I can sit here now and be thankful for it. For the love I was shown. For the shoulders I cried on. For the help I received. If it didn't happen I wouldn't have gotten the help I needed.
~My doctors. All of them, including counsellor. They are on my side. They fight for me. They understand what I believe and why I believe it. They acknowledge my belief about life at conception, they don't knock my feelings or say I am crazy, even though I try to convince them to say it because I feel it is true. I feel like they fight for me and it makes me feel like they are on my side. I have a good "team".
~All my family. not much more to say there but that I am thankful so much for them and their help.
~Friends. During my rough goes and tough times I had many friends pull through and care about me and for me. I cried on shoulders. I was held tight. I was told I was missed. I was assured that I would be ok even though I couldn't see it.
~A roof over my head.
~Clothes on my back.
~Food in my stomach and in the fridge.
~Giving back to God.
~Growing up and trying to figure out my finances properly.
~Hot water.
~Cold milk.
~Wonderful neighbours.
~A running car.
~Electricity.
~Power of Prayer. This is a big one for me and has been proving evident the last little while. Although I may not understand it and God just seems so big I am still able to pray and He listens. The power in numbers. The power that prayer has over darkness. The power it has to change lives.
~Freedom.
I think that is about it for now. I just have so much going in my mind. I am sure I missed people or things but I am thankful for everything in my life. Big or small.
So as I wrap this up and get ready to start the day of cleaning and decorating for thanksgiving dinner I know I feel thankful. I love this place and love entertaining. I leave you all with a bit of Autumn pics. Some dessert to follow this meal....
So today I find myself wanting to share it with all.....
in NO particular order:
~God. Thankful that He hasn't given up on me, that He won't give up on me. That He understands me and my heart but continues to be patient. No matter how big He feels to me knowing that He is the Daddy that will always be able to stoop and hold me in His arms provides me some comfort.
~Phil. What can I say? This man is a wonderful gift from God. He works hard to provide for us and loves me in all my "moments". Even though some weeks are tough because he is working so much I am thankful for him and that he has a steady job in these times. That he works hard so I can stay home and raise our children.
~Cooper. This little boy is the light of my life. Going through three miscarriages in 10 months was a shitty deal. I know people go through worse but during those times and even now it reminds me what a wonderful gift my little boy is. What a blessing he is. He is so smart and I love the moments where he runs up and says, "MOMMY!" Then I say, yes Cooper. Then he looks at me with those beautiful eyes and says, "I LOVE YOU!" then takes off again.
~My miscarriages. You know, believe it or not I am thankful for having pulled through those times. It has given me a sense of understanding for others. It has opened my eyes to how fortunate I am to have one child. Although the hurt is still there I find that if I didn't go through that I wouldn't be as thankful as I am today.
~My hospital stay. I had a break down and was admitted for 5 weeks. It was a hell of a time. I started out numb and angry. Hurt and alone. Such a dark lonely time. A friend said that although I can't see it right now there will come a day I will look back on it and be thankful. I am thinking that day is here. I needed that time to grow closer to God. To understand why things were happening. Although it was a dark time I can sit here now and be thankful for it. For the love I was shown. For the shoulders I cried on. For the help I received. If it didn't happen I wouldn't have gotten the help I needed.
~My doctors. All of them, including counsellor. They are on my side. They fight for me. They understand what I believe and why I believe it. They acknowledge my belief about life at conception, they don't knock my feelings or say I am crazy, even though I try to convince them to say it because I feel it is true. I feel like they fight for me and it makes me feel like they are on my side. I have a good "team".
~All my family. not much more to say there but that I am thankful so much for them and their help.
~Friends. During my rough goes and tough times I had many friends pull through and care about me and for me. I cried on shoulders. I was held tight. I was told I was missed. I was assured that I would be ok even though I couldn't see it.
~A roof over my head.
~Clothes on my back.
~Food in my stomach and in the fridge.
~Giving back to God.
~Growing up and trying to figure out my finances properly.
~Hot water.
~Cold milk.
~Wonderful neighbours.
~A running car.
~Electricity.
~Power of Prayer. This is a big one for me and has been proving evident the last little while. Although I may not understand it and God just seems so big I am still able to pray and He listens. The power in numbers. The power that prayer has over darkness. The power it has to change lives.
~Freedom.
I think that is about it for now. I just have so much going in my mind. I am sure I missed people or things but I am thankful for everything in my life. Big or small.
So as I wrap this up and get ready to start the day of cleaning and decorating for thanksgiving dinner I know I feel thankful. I love this place and love entertaining. I leave you all with a bit of Autumn pics. Some dessert to follow this meal....
Friday, September 18, 2009
Being walked along with
Tonight I went to a ladies night with my church. The speaker was talking a lot about faith and trust. That God is walking with us. That He won't leave us and will guide us when we need it most.
Lately I have felt stretched thin a bit. I am grateful for my life but sometimes I just need a break. It is during those times that the darkness sneaks in and seeps in to my heart.
Tonight there was a lot of tears on my end. Tears I have worked very hard at keeping far away. Keeping the mask worn and the tears hidden. I just don't have the time to cry. The time to acknowledge my hurt and fears. I have many fears right now that I am not ready to publicly post and admit. Not just yet.
Tonight I heard loud and clear, "you have a hard heart and you will keep it that way." Something to that effect. I hesitantly asked someone if I could ask them a stupid question. They told me I could ask a question. I asked if that was from God. Or the Enemy or myself. They asked if I thought it was from God and I shrugged my shoulders because I was unsure. Honestly I was unsure. I know rationally that it wouldn't have been from God. But my irrational, louder mind tells me that I am not worthy. I try to believe that God is there and that He won't leave me but it is like the more I believe it the more of a battle it becomes.
My nights have been filled with dreams non-stop. Some disturbing dreams. Some with members from church trying to be supportive and praying over a lot of women. Some dark and full of fear. You know the ones. The ones where they shake you so deeply to the core that you can't forget them. That you see it when your eyes close. That the memory of the dream slips in when least expected. I don't like those dreams and I hope that I do indeed have a restful night tonight.
I know my life is blessed and I am so thankful for that. But do you ever get to the point, as a believer, that you just don't want to battle anymore? I am tired of fighting. Afraid of slipping and falling and having no one to catch me when I fall. Thankfully I know in my heart that God is really truly the only Father I can count on. He won't die on me. He won't leave me alone. He won't cause abuse or anything of the like. I struggle with needing to remember that. I need to try to remember it daily.
It is like the footprints poem. When there was only one set of footprints it was then that God carried me. I so hope that He is carrying me now. Because I feel so weak and like I really can't go on. Like I can't take another step. But I guess I keep trying in faith. Somewhere in my soul I believe. I beg that He forgives my unbelief. We all have good days and bad days. These are bad days as of late but thankfully God is good. I know it in my heart of hearts.
I am thankful for those that listened to me tonight. For the ladies God sent in to my court. Man the battle is so hard. Please God...don't give up yet...not just yet.
Lately I have felt stretched thin a bit. I am grateful for my life but sometimes I just need a break. It is during those times that the darkness sneaks in and seeps in to my heart.
Tonight there was a lot of tears on my end. Tears I have worked very hard at keeping far away. Keeping the mask worn and the tears hidden. I just don't have the time to cry. The time to acknowledge my hurt and fears. I have many fears right now that I am not ready to publicly post and admit. Not just yet.
Tonight I heard loud and clear, "you have a hard heart and you will keep it that way." Something to that effect. I hesitantly asked someone if I could ask them a stupid question. They told me I could ask a question. I asked if that was from God. Or the Enemy or myself. They asked if I thought it was from God and I shrugged my shoulders because I was unsure. Honestly I was unsure. I know rationally that it wouldn't have been from God. But my irrational, louder mind tells me that I am not worthy. I try to believe that God is there and that He won't leave me but it is like the more I believe it the more of a battle it becomes.
My nights have been filled with dreams non-stop. Some disturbing dreams. Some with members from church trying to be supportive and praying over a lot of women. Some dark and full of fear. You know the ones. The ones where they shake you so deeply to the core that you can't forget them. That you see it when your eyes close. That the memory of the dream slips in when least expected. I don't like those dreams and I hope that I do indeed have a restful night tonight.
I know my life is blessed and I am so thankful for that. But do you ever get to the point, as a believer, that you just don't want to battle anymore? I am tired of fighting. Afraid of slipping and falling and having no one to catch me when I fall. Thankfully I know in my heart that God is really truly the only Father I can count on. He won't die on me. He won't leave me alone. He won't cause abuse or anything of the like. I struggle with needing to remember that. I need to try to remember it daily.
It is like the footprints poem. When there was only one set of footprints it was then that God carried me. I so hope that He is carrying me now. Because I feel so weak and like I really can't go on. Like I can't take another step. But I guess I keep trying in faith. Somewhere in my soul I believe. I beg that He forgives my unbelief. We all have good days and bad days. These are bad days as of late but thankfully God is good. I know it in my heart of hearts.
I am thankful for those that listened to me tonight. For the ladies God sent in to my court. Man the battle is so hard. Please God...don't give up yet...not just yet.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
My "baby" started preschool today
so today was the first full day of preschool. I can't believe it. Where did the time go?
This picture was from last week, the orientation. Thumbs up ready to go
today all excited now that we were at the school. He was apprehensive this morning though.
his very first first day of school outfit. Daddy picked it out.
He even has his very own cubbie with his name on it!
I want to cry but this is so exciting!!!
This picture was from last week, the orientation. Thumbs up ready to go
today all excited now that we were at the school. He was apprehensive this morning though.
his very first first day of school outfit. Daddy picked it out.
He even has his very own cubbie with his name on it!
I want to cry but this is so exciting!!!
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