It Breaks My Heart

I have only been doing the sandwich giveaway for a little while now. It has become such a major part of my life. That and street church.
I got a new job, which is great but...
I will have to work Sundays. That means I might miss church, miss the giveaway or even street church. It truly breaks my heart. It actually makes me want to cry. The joy that I feel helping others is indescribable. The smiles on the peoples faces. Out there we have one major thing in common - Christ. It hurts that I will miss the most important part of me that has become my life lately.
If God didn't want me at this job, I wouldn't be there right? Maybe they won't schedule me for Sundays. I can pray about it, but I just pray thanks that I got the job.
Right now something is going on with my head and stomach still. I have been praying that it will be better by tomorrow. I won't give up on that but at the same time I am scared.
As you can see there are a few things going on right now. The ones that hurt the most I have listed. It truly breaks my heart that I won't be there every Sunday and makes me cry.

A Little Lighter

I feel a little lighter today. This morning I quit Value Village. I got rid of one of the biggest stresses in my life. My husband told me that I would never return there - he was right. My friend told me that I can't return there - she was right. Michelle told me that it would be better if I never returned - she was right.
I was very scared. Scared that my ex-boss (man that feels good to say) would make me feel like crap like usual. Scared that I would walk out of there feeling insignificant.
My ex-boss was pretty good about it. She told me to take care of myself. I got to get my belongings. Still doesn't mean I would start liking it there.
I handed it over to God once again. I start my new job on Thursday. My husband has been so supportive.
I walked out of Value Village feeling pretty good about it. As I was walking I took a deep breath and let it out. I felt like there was a string attached to the base of my neck and as I breathed out I felt myself straighten. I felt a burden lifted. I felt a little lighter.
Is that what trusting God feels like? Is that what it feels like to hand it over to Him and put it in His hands? Is that what it feels like when I let go?
I feel that God has been working on this area of my life for a while lately. I think He is done. It is time to go onto the next chapter. That door is closed. There are a few things God has me working on lately. I am thinking that if this is the outcome it may not be so bad.
He is trying to help me let go of things and I am holding them back with a tight fist and fighting Him. What would happen if I let Him just take it all and lift it all from me? How much easier would it be to stand with my head held high without things pulling me further and further to the ground.
If this is what it feels like to get rid of burdens then I think it is about time I let God take them from me.

Thank you God for walking me through. Thank you for helping me to stand a little straighter and feel a little lighter. Help me to deal with all these other burdens. Help me to rid them all so that I may become fully yours with no restrictions. Thank you God for persevering and sticking to it when I ran away. Thank you Lord. In your precious name I pray. AMEN.

Craziness...

So if you read Michelle's blog you would know what happened this morning. It was all so crazy!
I went to bed last night with a really sore head. This morning I woke up and it was worse. The right side of my head would get a really sharp pain and then it would go away but then the whole right side of my head would go numb. The left side behind the temple was just killing me. I couldn't move my eye. Usually if it was a headache is would have gone away. Phil was worried so he took me to Mission Memorial. I had to get Andrew at 8 am this morning, so I told him that if he must take me to the hospital it has to be Mission so that I could get Andrew.
My dad passed away of a brain aneurysm (sp?) when I was five and then about 3 years later my uncle got the same ting. Two of my cousins have had it and my grandma had one in her hand. So needless to say they run huge in my family. Phil was worried. I didn't think too much about it. Got to the hospital at 6:30 and by just after 7 I had to phone Michelle and ask her if she would take Andrew until I was done. Thanks Michelle. Then I phoned Carolyn. I felt really bad but they were both very supportive. I thought I would be in and out.
I told the doctor my family history and he was concerned enough to send me back to Abbotsford for a C.T. scan. Then if the scan showed negative he wanted to do a spinal tap just to make sure there wasn't a small aneurysm that was leaking.
The C.T. scan came back negative. So more waiting. They did a spinal tap, which they called a lumbar Puncture. That hurt!! I just kept praying. The fluid in my spine came out clear, which was good. Then they used the fluid to check for menningitis.
I feel so stupid because everything came back negative and I was told that it was a SEVERE migraine. You're telling me!! It was enough though that the doctor's thought something was going on. I just felt so dumb because it was a migraine. I was so sick though. Getting sick, almost passing out, the whole nine yards. Due to my allergy to Penicillin and Morphine there wasn't much that could be used to take away the pain.
Today was very scary for me. Very scary. It's funny how it never truly hit me how scared I was until they started the spinal tap.
Thanks Michelle and Rod for taking Andrew, sorry Carolyn that I couldn't watch him. Thank you for the prayers to anyone that provided.
It was a very crazy day. At least I know I don't have an aneurysm. Although they want me to get a more indepth C.T. scan sometime next week. Thank you God that this wasn't my time yet.

YEAH!!!

So, I went into Canadian Tire to ask about the interview.

I start Thursday!! 9am - 5:30pm. I work in the automotive department.
They are good with my other appointments and flexible with other times I needed off.

So, I think it is time to go and get myself a new pair of pants!! Congratulatory pants, maybe shoes too. hehehe

There's a first for everything

So yesterday I did a first. I cut my friends' 7 and a half year old sisters hair. I looked at Holly and said "you need a hair cut"
Michelle said that Chely told her she could cut her bangs if she felt brave enough. Michelle said that she wasn't brave enough. I said "I'll do it!"
So I cut the bangs. They looked so cute. Then I decided that she needed a trim to help the hair stay healthy and grow. After consulting both Michelle and Holly I got the go ahead. I figured that I watched my hair dresser do my hair enough so I could do Holly's. It actually turned out quite cute. I did layers too!! New career?
So, Holly told me that I am now her new hair dresser. How sweet.
Funny, I can cut hair but yet I still need to get someone to dye mine.

So I pray

"God, I don't know what to do so I sit here and am trying to pray. I just don't know how to word it. How about this: I give it to you. Take this worry, this anxiety from me and replace it with your Holy Spirit. Engulf me Father and help me to understand that whatever may happen is happening out of the plans You have for me. Hold me Father. I throw this burden to you. Thank you for taking it and being my support and my life. Thank you for not abandoning me. Thank you for being so strong when I am so weak. Take it from me oh Lord. In your name I pray, Amen"

Just needed to write that down and get it out. I know deep down in my heart that I will worry but I am trying so hard. There really is nothing I can do to change any of the outcomes that He has in store for me today.

I got this from a friend today:
"Cast all your anxiety on (God) because he cares for you."
1Pe 5:7
I am glad someone does!! I am glad that He is willing to take all my anxiety. (there's a lot too)

Help...

Ok. I am lost once again. I haven't lost Christ, far from it, but I feel like I can't handle things.
Today is kind of an off day. No it IS an off day. I don't know what to do. I am worried about the future. What will happen in the next couple of days? What if this, what if that... Little Miss Worry Wart at your service.
Here's the deal. My medical leave goes until the 25th of this month. What if my doctor doesn't extend it? ( I need a new doctor, but that is besides the point - anyone know of any good doctor's?) I haven't gotten a call from Canadian Tire again. I had one interview.
I know that God will provide but yet here I sit biting my nails. There are some other things that are worrying me and I am battling with, but I am not going to get into those.
I pray that God will give me some sign of what is to come. Do I take more time for myself? or is that just being selfish? I feel totally lost today. I just want to crawl back into bed. Head is pounding.
I guess I am just doing a bunch of Whining (did I spell that right?) here but that is what I do sometimes. Yep, I am stressing out. I don't even want to go out tonight. I am still thinking about that one. I know there are people with more problems than my stupid petty ones. I once had a friend tell me that if it is weighing on my heart then it is enough to pray about. What if you don't know what you should pray about?
I still am having issues with the whole trust thing. I know it is in God's hands and I pray that I will just hand it over to Him. I love God with all my heart and soul. Yet here I sit worried, hiding behind my wall and mask. Deep down inside scared of the next hour, scared of the next minute, scared of tomorrow.
What do I pray for? How do I pray? Ahhh!!!
I love to be able to help people but how can I help others when I can't help myself? Does God want me to keep helping others when all I want to do right now is hide? I was told that I can run but I can't hide. Try me. So into hiding to live in my little cylinder of brick until I understand. I guess I'll be there a while! How pathetic am I?? Geesh...

Puddle Stomping

Yep as you can guess by the title, I had some fun.
On Sunday the sandwich giveaway team went out to do God's work like they usually do. Just that this day it was pouring out! We all got soaked. I was offered an umbrella but by the time I was offered I was so wet that it didn't matter. Terry and Holly thought the same thing.
I started it! As we were leaving one of our stops I saw the puddle. It was calling me. Just so happens that Terry was beside me. So I stomped. Got Terry a little wet. I thought he would end up getting mad. Nope, he laughed and got me back.
As we were going through on of the allies there was a HUGE puddle. I saw it but so did Terry. So we ended up on either side of the puddle and when he stepped forward I would step back and vice versa. Then he just leaped into the puddle and soaked me! SO I jumped right into it too. The whole team got a good laugh. We all were having fun while we were walking. The streets were pretty quiet that night.
By the time we got back to the office Terry, Holly and I were soaked. Terry and I were wet up to our knees. We gave Susan the camera to take a picture of the whole wet team. Susanna was in Costa Rica already! She was holding the camera trying to figure out how it worked. WE told her that the camera was backwards! She said that she couldn't do it and gave the camera to someone else. So we got a few pictures.
Those were my only pants and shoes and I had to wear them the next morning. I was going to the airport to see off the Costa Rica team. So thankfully when I went to Sushi's house she put my clothes in the dryer. She also leant me some socks. What a great friend. Thanks Sushi!!
So we had fun that night. We were all kids again and it was awesome.
I think the real reason why God made rain is so that we could puddle stomp and have fun. hehehe.

and They're Off

So, this morning we saw off out Costa Rica team. Tired eyes and excited faces. We got to the airport just after 4am.
Susannah was already in what I called "Costa Rica mode". She wasn't responding to mom, or Susan when she was called but as soon as someone said "Susanna" she turned and was all ears.
I am so excited for the team.

Lord I pray that you keep Susanna, Sushi, Kathy, Aber,

James and Matthew safe within your arms.

Let the work they do down there show all Your glory

and wonder to anyone they meet.

I pray for their health and safety during the trip

and a safe trip home.

Thank you Lord for this team and the wonderful work they

are going to do .

Lord, I ask that you bless each of them and all those

who's lives they touch.

Please keep all their families here at home safe

and support the families while the team is gone.

In Your name I pray,

Amen.

I can't wait until next year! It will be me getting dropped off at the airport with the team.

Someone is reading my mind

I just bought the book "The Purpose Driven Life" by Rick Warren. A few people I know have purchased it the last couple days. The first line of the first chapter was "It's not all about you." I was like, ok you've got my attention and I had to buy it. I felt drawn to it.
So then the first line of the second chapter is "You are not an accident." HELLO!! I have always thought I was. Always thought that there must be some mistake why I am here. The book is in my head. AHHHH!!!
There is a poem in the second chapter by Russell Kelfer that I would like to share with you.

You are who you are for a reason.
You're part of an intricate plan.
You're a precious and perfect unique design,
Called God's special woman or man.

You look like you look for a reason.
Our God made no mistake.
He knit you together within the womb,
You're just what he wanted to make.

The parents you had were the ones he chose,
And no matter how you may feel,
They were custom-designed with God's plan in mind,
And they bear the Master's seal.

No, that trauma you faced was not easy.
And God wept that it hurt you so;
But it was allowed to shape your heart
So that in his likeness you would grow.

You are who you are for a reason,
You've been formed by the Master's rod.
You are who you are, beloved,
Because there is a God!"
(p. 25-26)

God Sees...

God sees you as beautiful, perfect, forgiven and special. Why is it so hard to see ourselves that way? Why is it so hard to see that we are wonderful in God's eyes and believe it for ourselves? Why do we struggle with fashion, weight, impressing people and failure? Why can't we just accept who we are and that we are loved by God? That we are His perfect children and, no matter what people or society think, that is all that matters. It doesn't matter what people say you should wear, how you should look and act in order to be accepted. You are already accepted by someone so much bigger than life itself. You need to be apart of the in fashions, and the cool group. When in actuality we have already won with God. We are winners and we are perfect, we are beautiful, we are forgiven and we are special. All because we made a commitment to Him and accepted Him in all His glory.
So, why is it so hard to believe? Why do we struggle.....
It makes me nervous for my niece and all the little children that are growing up in this society that puts so much pressure on you from such a young age. When we fail we are considered a failure but I have been told that it is not true. "Even though you fail, you are NOT a failure." Easier to say that then believe it. Then again, if we install thoughts into our children's heads from when they are small they will believe it. We can tell them that they are beautiful, they are strong, they are special and that even though they might fail at something or make mistakes, it doesn't mean that they are a failure. We will love them no matter what and support them. God loves us and we can tell our children so that when they grow up they will believe it with no hesitation. We can make the difference starting with ourselves. We can start the solid foundation of Christ. We are the beginning of a new change...
I see some friends that have a huge faith in God and I admire them so much. I am starting with that journey but I hope that when I have kids they will have this undying faith and trust like my friends. That they won't question it.
Lord help all to see themselves as you see them.
Help us to change the untrue thoughts that we believe.
Help me to see the woman that you see.
Thank you for loving us just as we are.
Amen.

Taking the time...

I have realized that even though I may not know someone that I go to visit, it is ok. I went to visit someone yesterday and I ended up spending an hour and a half or so with her. I didn't even know her. We talked about her, we talked about God and sometimes we just sat there in silence. I braided her hair for her and just took the time to be a friend. I remember the look on her face when I introduced myself. She was shocked that someone who doesn't even know her would care enough to visit. I explained that I was from New Heights. Then she was all excited, I know Susan there. Do you do the sandwich giveaway? I replied yes and she said, that is why I reconized you. Cool.
She told me a lot about herself. She had her bible with her but her glasses weren't with her and she wanted to read it but she couldn't. So I read for her. She asked me to continue. I was searching for some kind of guidance and I phoned a friend to ask. I think it was meant to be that she wasn't able to answer the phone. I sat there and prayed for God to engulf me with the Holy Spirit and direct me the way He wants me to go. I was nervous but I know that He was helping me.
So, I spent some time with someone I didn't know. Now I know her. Now she knows me. We know God. Thank you God for Your help and guidance.

I'm An Idiot!!

Yep, it's official I am a tool! (idiot - whatever you want to call it)
2 main reasons as of yesterday:
first of all, I went to get up from sitting and my foot got caught on my pants and I did a face plant into the floor. (It must have looked pretty funny!!) Wrist loves me this morning!
second: Do not be fooled by fondue oil. I went to put it out and when I lifted the snuffer it was out. I looked down and it was like it had a mind of its own!! It reignited!! Yep - chemical burn to the eyes. I flushed them but it wasn't working. Michelle tried, to no avail. Then I rubbed them. Don't rub chemical that is in your eyes!! Yeah I was being told "stop rubbing!" A few times I was even yelled it. It was hard to remember when they were burning and SO itchy. Needless to say, it was off to Mission Emergency, the whole time Michelle was making sure I was sitting on my hands!! So this time it was my turn to call my husband and say, "I'm ok, but..."

So, Michelle drove me to the emerg (thanks Chel) cause obviously I couldn't drive considering I couldn't even open my eyes to walk. An hour and a half in the ermeg (I think) and then it was done.
No damage to the cornea. Good. But that freezing hurts!! So did the salene solution.
Yep, I'm an idiot!!

Barriers

You hear a lot about people who have masks and walls that they put up. Their barriers. Then you read about how some want to throw away those masks and tear down the walls. I have worked so hard at putting up those walls and molding the perfect mask. They are my comfort. When you start to peel away the mask something happens that makes you throw it right back on. You break away parts of your wall only to become uncomfortable that you pick up the pieces and try very hard to put them back in place. No matter how hard I try I can't close the wall like it used to be. The mask doesn't seem to fit as perfect as it did.
There was a time when I thought that I had rid myself from that dreadful mask. Now I am not so sure. All it takes is for one person to judge you and it is back on. There is someone in my life that I can use as an example. I will not name names but those of you who know me know who I am referring to and who the struggle is with. All I want is for her to love me and I want to tell her what is going on in my life, but I know that she will judge. She will throw it at me. Then I will end up feeling so little that I put the mask on so securely and build that wall so that no one can find me.
Is it so wrong to want to just be loved without feeling like deep down you are being taking apart piece by piece and examined under the microscope of ridicule? Taken apart piece by piece until you notice that there just isn't anything left. So you climb into your fortress where it is only big enough for you. You cry, you get angry and you fight. Yet you keep building it bigger and bigger.
Is it so wrong to want to be the real you and not be judged? To be loved for who you are not for what you should be? Is it so wrong of me to want to just hear this person say I love you without knowing that there is something behind it? That's all I want to hear and I want to believe it.
So, my wall is becoming a round tower of bricks that keep getting broken then put right back where they were. Now though I can hear a voice that is calling to me to break it all away. To show who God loves. To see what He sees. To love who He loves and not worry about this other person. But why does it hurt so?

Scared Again

Today I heard something that scared me. I heard a prayer and it was like the person was speaking right to me. It scared the crap out of me.
It's not all about me! It can't be about me! Quit being so darn selfish Misty!
If that is so, why do I feel like my stomach is sitting in my throat and like my chest is so tight that I can't breath.
What God?
Was it me? No! It isn't all about me, I am being selfish - I must be.
God knows what is on my heart, rarely anyone does. So, what does He want? God, can you please tell me what that is all about? Guide me in the direction I need to go.

Why...

Why is it that you feel like God is trying to get you to get things off your chest but when you start you just want to put them back in.
I have struggled with what God wants me to say, what He wants of my life and who He wants me to be. Not only do I struggle with Him but I struggle with myself. I want to do it all on my own. It hasn't worked yet so what makes me think that it will start working now? I do know that He sees someone that loves Him with all her heart and soul, but why is it that when you let the trust in Him take over you doubt Him?
What is it God??
What do you want? What do you need me to do?
I love you but I just don't get it...

How do you feel....

I am working through the book Classic Christianity by Bob George (sorry G.I.R.L.S.). I just haven't been able to put it down yet. Every chapter speaks a little louder than the last one.
Here is one for you:
Bob George hands out index cards to his audience and asks them to write their answer to the following question on them.
"How do you feel God sees you right now?" (p.82)

My answer: His child that is growing in her faith of Him and enjoying the journey.

Well, what is yours....

Appreciative

Yesterday was Uncle Peters' birthday. Terry had bought a cake to give him when we went out for the sandwich give away. So when we got to Uncle Peters' place Terry and another person (I forget who - bad memory) went around the corner to light the candles. When they came around the corner we all sang Happy Birthday to him and you should have seen his face. He was so appreciative for something so simple as a cake. Things that we take for granted, well I know I do.
Now, to me, that is what it is all about. That is doing God's work. Making someone's day is as simple as putting a smile on their faces.
Just like the Costa Rica team. Just thinking about what they are going to do while they are down there makes me so proud of all of them. Handing out things that we take for granted. A toothbrush, face cloths, soap, toothpaste, baby bottles, soothers, baby items, school supplies. I can just picture the faces. Just sheer joy. It is like Christmas for them I am sure. Excited over a pen? Over a toothbrush? A comb? Again things we take for granted. Try and give something simple like that now a days to someone up here and they would look at you like you have something in your teeth. What? A toothbrush? A dollar store soother? The people that the team are going to see will appreciate all of it. They won't care where it came from. I can't wait to do that next year. To see their faces.
Making people happy with simple things is so easy to do and we loose that sometimes. God shows us how much it really matters. It doesn't matter how much you spend. It truly is the thought that really counts. Uncle Peter will never forget that day, I am sure, and neither will those in Costa Rica. That is truly doing God's work.
Makes me re-think about all those things that are important to me. What matter to me: God, My husband, my friends and everything God has blessed my life with. No matter how small. LOVE. I am so appreciative of all in my life.
Thank you God for opening my eyes to the reality that it is simple things that put smiles on people's faces. That it is LOVE that makes the world go around.

Kids and I

I love kids and I love to be able to spend time with them and play with them. I just don't know what it is about kids and I. The kids usually end up totally exhausted after spending time with me. I just took Payton home after having her for 4 hours. She fell asleep for about 35 minutes then woke up all smiles. It was a good fun day. I guess though that there is something about me that makes them pooped. When I was watching Andrew he tired pretty quick too. Oooopps???

Pr. 28:13

"He who conceals his sins does not prosper, but whoever confesses and renounces them finds mercy."

Thank you Lord.

Tug o' War

Remember playing tug o' war? You would wrap the strongest, biggest person around the end and all alternate sides and hang on for dear life. You stumble and fall over the person behind you.
I have been playing tug o' war lately. I want to keep something within me and not share it then the other part of me wants to get it out. I keep pulling and so does the other side. I am starting to think that God may be on that other side. He's pulling and pulling me trying to free me.
You know when the other side wins you get thrown into the other team? If my other side wins I fall head long into God's arms. As much as I want to fall into Him the struggle continues. He will pick me up when I fall. He will always love me. It is a better alternative to the keeping it all in and fighting with myself.
I continue the tug o' war but every day I feel like it is a battle that I am not meant to win. It is a battle that God wants me to have victory over. I dig in my heels and prepare for the long haul. The distance is getting less and less and I am not too sure how I feel about that one. I want to be all God's but yet I seem to be putting restrictions on it and only allowing it on my own terms. When am I going to get it though my thick, stubborn head that I AM NOT IN CONTROL. That it is in God's hands. If He wants it to happen it will come out one way or another. I can't bargain with God. It is His.

God's Reasons

You always hear how things happen for a reason. Lately some things have happened for a very strong reason.
My husband pointed it out this morning. Now why I didn't see it I don't know. . .

One of the guys at his work quit. Phil has been doing TONS of overtime. Now this is how Phil put it:
God made it so that Chris (the old co-worker) was able to get into school.
Chris quit and went to school.
Phil has been pulling some 12 hour days and a lot of overtime.
I am not working.
I am on EI making less than I could be.
God lined it all up. If Chris didn't quit Phil wouldn't be getting the over time. If Phil wasn't getting the over time I wouldn't be able to be off work. So God knew that it was my time to be off work and out of that STUPID job. ( I am sure He doesn't say STUPID though) Thus lining up the fact that Phil picks up the extra cash that I am loosing. God was preparing us for what He knew was going to happen in the next page of our books.
Amazing.

Errors

Ever notice that little yellow sign that pops up on your computer that says, "Error"? Then you sit trying to understand what caused it. If you don't pay attention and try to fix the problem it could cause more damage. If it is a virus it can wipe out the whole hard drive.
My point is:
I have been learning a lot about the errors we sometimes have occur within us. Errors are like a thought pattern that in turn causes us to sin. So would that not make it that the error is Satan? Satan can put thoughts into our heads that cause us to sin and then when we don't ask for forgiveness or if we ignore that little error sign, it just makes him more powerful. Satan will keep giving us those errors until he causes us to crash and his virus takes over our hard drive. The closer we get to God the more satan pushes. He doesn't want you close to God because then he loses all the control. Satan hates it that the closer we get to God the more we love God with all our souls and banish satan from our thoughts. Satan would have to admit defeat. The errors will keep playing on you more and more until you get too preoccupied with them to care. Thus causing us to crash.
Time to start re-booting. Time to start with a new hard drive. The new hard drive that we are starting with is one where we let God be the programmer. God is like the best anti-virus protection you can get. He will cause those error signs to pop up when needed. Sometimes He might throw them in your face. No matter what may cause the error when we ask for forgiveness Jesus signs His name over it in His blood. The main step is to make sure we pay attention to those little signs that we are given. When we accept God as the programmer of our new hard drive we will succeed.
There will be times that we may need to yell, "Satan get thee behind me". We may need to cry. We may need to stomp our feet, but God will keep the programming going. He will keep updating the virus definitions. (How can you tell I just recently did a virus scan??) With God's help we can rid Satan of the power that he tries to posses over us.
So, the new system has begun it's programming. God is love. God is good. God is forgiving and gracious. Some of the main things that will be the base of the new hard drive. The wiring may feel like it is getting fried once in a while but God id there to help put out the fire. As difficult as it is to start reprogramming your mind and getting rid of your old thought patterns it will be well worth it. It will bring us closer to God and cause our souls to become more complete in Him.
So here I sit letting God continue His work, trusting that He will be the ultimate support system. He will protect me and give me the warnings. I just need to pay attention to them.
I, Misty, am strong in the Lord.

Humble

What does Humble mean? Well this is what the World Book Dictionary (copywrite 1985) states:
2. modest in spirit; not proud: defeat and failure make people humble
-v.t. 2 to make lower in positon, conditioned, or importance The mighty man shall be humbled (Isaiah 5:15)


"Therefore, get rid of all moral filth and the evil that is so prevalent and humbly accept the word planted in you which can save you." James 1:21

So, does it mean that we are to modestly accept the word that has been planted in us without making it too big of a deal? I think I understand the dictionary meaning, it is just trying to use it in the above context that gets me stumped. Maybe I am just too tired to think...

Little by Little

I have been back to this daily bread a few times since March 2. Whenever I get frustrated that things are taking long and I don't see improvement immediately I am reminded:

"He does not lead me year by year,
Nor even day by day;
But step by step my path unfold -
My Lord directs my way."
- Ryberg

The Blood of Jesus

Check out Erin's blog entitled "The Room" here...
You will get why I used the title I used.

Payton and the baby in the Mirror 

Protective...

I am the type of person that is very protective. I always have been and I always will be. I can't stand to see those that I love hurt so bad. You hurt one of my friends, or one of my family members, then watch out. Here I come to protect and retaliate on their behalf.
Lately I have seen a wonderful thing that makes me realize that there truly is someone else in control. A lot of people are hurting and you can sense anger, frustration and sadness. Yet they are giving it over to God. That is a tough one to do because you just want to protect those that you love. I have seen a lot of turning of the other cheeks. "If someone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to them the other also." Mt. 5:39
I truly see that this is more powerful than if I were to take over. God has His plans and what He has in store is greater than what I may ever want to do. Also, if I were to retaliate wouldn't it make them stronger?
My pride still stares me in the face and wants me to protect those I love and care about. Now I have realized that being there to support them is so much better than trying to take it on myself.
God's plans are greater and more efficient than mine.
The best thing that we can do is keep praying and loving. Wrap our arms around those that are hurt. Love and prayer are two wonderful gifts that God has given us that has more power than anything. (next to God - of course). I am so proud of all the strong people I see in my life.

So Lord, I ask for the strength to be in you and to love rather than hate. I ask that you protect all that are hurting. Let them know that you are in control. Thank you Lord that you are in fact in control and your protection is so great. You are so much stronger than anything else. Amen.

Changes

If you are like me, you don't handle changes very well. I find it very hard to accept changes because it feels like I am loosing something and my heart is tired of loosing. I don't want to accept it.
I find though that if I had just stopped and listened to what God was saying I would notice that He was preparing me for the current changes. It isn't my place to be selfish about the situation. It really isn't all about me. The changes that have occured are ones that God has put in place to help those in need. Providing a time of healing admist the tears.
While the tears fall so easily it is hard to imagine that this is a part of God's plans. You need to heal yourself before you loose yourself in the daily rituals. It is hard to take the time for yourself.
Although it feels like this is the end, it is far from it. This is just one of those pebbles that God puts before us and when we rely on Him we can pass it all. He brings us close to eachother to pray and love in tough times.
God help us to be strong and put your arms around those that need you so badly during this time.

Some of my blessings and things I am grateful for...

Figured it was time to do a list of things I have been blessed with and things I am grateful for. Yeah I know, Michelle did the same thing. She has good ideas.

1. Finding God
2. God's Love
3. God's mercy and grace
4. My husband Phil
5. My niece Payton and her wonderful parents
6. New Heights
7. Street Church
8. Friends
9. A place to live
10. Family that loves me
11. A church family
12. Prayer
13. Forgiveness
14. God's beauty
15. Undying love
16. Heaven
17. Clothes on my back
18. Shoes on my feet
19. I'm Healthy - to some (LOL)
20. A vehicle that gets me from A to B (barely)
21. Being free to worship
22. People who care about me, no matter what
23. Going through the good and bad times getting closer to God
24. Being a people person
25. An absolutely wonderful marriage
26. Being an insperation to someone
27. Knowing that some are proud of me
28. Stepping out of my comfort zones
29. Helping those less fortunate
30. That we have such wonderful Pastors
31. Jesus is in my heart
32. I've found Jesus
33. Quiet times with God
34. Quiet times
35. Long talks and walks with friends
36. I still get excited over little things
37. Our church Mission's team
38. Smiles and laughter
39. Tears ("that clean the window of the soul")
40. Innocence of children

I am sure I will think of more, but let's start with this. This took a bit of time too.

Get Down

Check out the words to this song on Michelle's site, "to live your life you have to lose it".
It is a very powerful song.
A God moment. He's talking.

Michelle's post

Michelle's post on "I Never" did look like fun. So I gave it a try. It is really hard...

1. I've never been to a tanning booth.
2. I've never been in a physical fight.
3. I've never won the lottery.
4. I've never done any illegal narcotics.
5. I've never had a McDonald's Birthday.
6. I've never had a Chucky Cheese Birthday
7. I've never been on a train.
8. I've never been pregnant.
9. I've never been anywhere outside of BC, except to go to Disneyland and back.
10. I've never owned a home.
11. I've never flown in a helicopter.
12. I've never stayed in a bed and breakfast.
13. I've never owned my own vehicle.
14. I've never been arrested.
15. I've never seen "Passion of the Christ"
16. I've never been white water rafting.
17. I've never owned a horse.
18. I've never been bitten by a snake.
19. I've never had cabbage rolls.
20. I've never had braces.
21. I've never had a baby overnight.
22. I've never been on TV.
23. I've never gotten a degree.
24. I've never been to West Edmonton Mall.
25. I've never had a passport.
26. I've never been on a missions trip (next year).
27. I've never liked junk mail.
28. I've never seen "Play Misty for Me".
29. I've never had a big party.
30. I've never bought a plane ticket.
31. I've never been on such an exciting journey getting to know God.
32. I've never worked in an office.
33. I've never turned my back on a hug.
34. I've never had a tattoo.
35. I've never been class president.
36. I've never felt this close to God.
37. I've never handled failing at something very gracefully.
38. I've never shared my feelings very well.
39. I've never taken compliments very well.
40. I've never picked up a hitch-hiker.
41. I've never thought very highly of myself.
42. I've never been bungee jumping.
43. I've never smoked.
44. I've never forgiven myself for some regrets and guilts.
45. I've never lived on my own.
46. I've never liked anchovies.
47. I've never been able to draw human faces or hands.
48. I've never gotten to choose a paint color for a room.
49. I've never written a book.
50. I've never felt as special and loved by others as I have this last month (besides my husband)

Wow. That actually took me quite a while. I actually started the list on the first!! I know I will think of stuff when I am not sitting in front of the computer. Next thing we should do is a list of 50 blessings God has given us.... That is on my list to do next.

God and I

I have spent most of, if not all, my life running. Taking things that hurt or bother me and stuff them so deep down inside that I say to myself, "i'll deal with it later." Knowing full well that I won't. When they come back up to the surface I push them down again.
It seems to me that the closer I am getting to God, the more He tries to make me deal with it. So, I go back to the old Misty and try to push it away, but it almost seems like God is saying "uh-uh, no more hiding. I have put people into your life to help you and I am here for you. You have pushed it away long enough. It is time to get it out and trust me."
"what if i don't want to get it out?"
"to be with Me, I want and need all of you."
"it hurts too bad and i can't handle it. You are making it too hard"
"it may hurt and feel like it is never going to end but trust Me you can handle it. It is you that is making it harder than it needs to be, my child. Trust in Me and those I put in your path"
"i don't want to. i don't want to deal with things but i want to be close to You and feel You completely in my soul"
"then you need to trust Me. You can deal with these things, that is why they are happening now. You are strong in me. I love you and you can do it. I will never turn my back on you or leave things unfinished. We will get through this together"

(Whoa - weird. That all just came out. I think I was talking to God and He was talking through me. Amazing.)
I know that He won't abandon me but do I truly believe it in my heart? Growing up you are used to getting punished and in trouble. God sees that I am already suffering and He just wants me to know that He is there and to trust Him. As much as I feel that I need a punishment and that He should turn His back on me He stands there waiting for me.
I used the word trust quite a bit here. Maybe it is time to let God do His work so that I can be all His and not be holding anything back that He feels that I need to get out. I am actually tired of burying things and hiding them and God knows. It is time to trust Him and know that it will be alright.

Aunty and Payton goofing around

Aunty and Payton watching the sunset

Uncle Phil and Payton

Wilderness

I have been seeing a lot lately about journeys through the wilderness. I will tell you that I truly don't get it - not yet anyway.
Sure I do understand that it is a journey. But why call it the wilderness? Is it because the wilderness can be so hard and tough and that may just be what is happening to you? Is it because the wilderness can be a dark lonely place where you may struggle?
Then I start to wonder if my journey that I am on is one that is through the wilderness. I just read the actual word "wilderness" in the bible, but they were going through the desert.
Is it just me? I really am not picking that one up.
Just the fact that it keeps coming up makes me think that God is wanting me to learn about this. I take it day by day and research it, yet to no avail. Oh well, keep searching - right?
Just useless rambling....