Tug o' War

Remember playing tug o' war? You would wrap the strongest, biggest person around the end and all alternate sides and hang on for dear life. You stumble and fall over the person behind you.
I have been playing tug o' war lately. I want to keep something within me and not share it then the other part of me wants to get it out. I keep pulling and so does the other side. I am starting to think that God may be on that other side. He's pulling and pulling me trying to free me.
You know when the other side wins you get thrown into the other team? If my other side wins I fall head long into God's arms. As much as I want to fall into Him the struggle continues. He will pick me up when I fall. He will always love me. It is a better alternative to the keeping it all in and fighting with myself.
I continue the tug o' war but every day I feel like it is a battle that I am not meant to win. It is a battle that God wants me to have victory over. I dig in my heels and prepare for the long haul. The distance is getting less and less and I am not too sure how I feel about that one. I want to be all God's but yet I seem to be putting restrictions on it and only allowing it on my own terms. When am I going to get it though my thick, stubborn head that I AM NOT IN CONTROL. That it is in God's hands. If He wants it to happen it will come out one way or another. I can't bargain with God. It is His.