Barriers

You hear a lot about people who have masks and walls that they put up. Their barriers. Then you read about how some want to throw away those masks and tear down the walls. I have worked so hard at putting up those walls and molding the perfect mask. They are my comfort. When you start to peel away the mask something happens that makes you throw it right back on. You break away parts of your wall only to become uncomfortable that you pick up the pieces and try very hard to put them back in place. No matter how hard I try I can't close the wall like it used to be. The mask doesn't seem to fit as perfect as it did.
There was a time when I thought that I had rid myself from that dreadful mask. Now I am not so sure. All it takes is for one person to judge you and it is back on. There is someone in my life that I can use as an example. I will not name names but those of you who know me know who I am referring to and who the struggle is with. All I want is for her to love me and I want to tell her what is going on in my life, but I know that she will judge. She will throw it at me. Then I will end up feeling so little that I put the mask on so securely and build that wall so that no one can find me.
Is it so wrong to want to just be loved without feeling like deep down you are being taking apart piece by piece and examined under the microscope of ridicule? Taken apart piece by piece until you notice that there just isn't anything left. So you climb into your fortress where it is only big enough for you. You cry, you get angry and you fight. Yet you keep building it bigger and bigger.
Is it so wrong to want to be the real you and not be judged? To be loved for who you are not for what you should be? Is it so wrong of me to want to just hear this person say I love you without knowing that there is something behind it? That's all I want to hear and I want to believe it.
So, my wall is becoming a round tower of bricks that keep getting broken then put right back where they were. Now though I can hear a voice that is calling to me to break it all away. To show who God loves. To see what He sees. To love who He loves and not worry about this other person. But why does it hurt so?