Tonight is one of my now common restless nights. Tossing and turning. Not able to sleep. Usually takes me an hour or so to get back to sleep. Sometimes just in time to wake up to the alarm.
In the midst of my tossing and turning my mind has been reeling back and forth. For some reason two simple words came to my head, "Don't leave".
I was reminding myself of when I was in the hospital. In my weakest moment wanting nothing more then to just cry I said those two words. To the people beside my bed in between the boughts of pain and tears I whispered to them "don't leave." They didn't. With the tears falling down my face and not able to open my eyes because of the pain they sat closer to me. Grew so close that I obviously felt their presence. Hands on my head or my back just assuring me that they were there and they weren't about to leave anytime soon. Wiping the tears and holding me close whispering to me that it was ok and they were there.
So of course that got me thinking even more and thus here I am.
I realized that I have said those two words a few times in my life. Who hasn't. I have whispered them. Thought them and said them right out loud. But it didn't matter how much I asked at those times those people left. They had to. So I was scared to ask in the hospital for my companions not to leave. What if they were to leave me like the others?
Parting or leaving someone is hard. It makes a mark on the soul that is hard to ever forget. Once I started thinking about those that have left me I started to think about God.
I have whispered those words to Him. I have screamed them to Him. Every time He tells me, "I am going no where. I am right here." When I allow myself to hear it. When I allow myself to accept that He is not leaving I feel His arms wrap around me and His hands dry my tears. The whole time wanting to run away from it all I would keep whispering, "don't leave."
I almost picture the scene as a small child crying out for their daddy not to leave. Here we sit with our arms outstreched to God with tears streaming down our puffy cheeks begging Him not to leave. But unlike our earthly fathers He won't leave. He is there for the long haul. Does He ever do this to us? Stretching out His arms to us wanting to pull us back in? Wanting to hold us and never let us go no matter how hard we try to fight it.
I wonder if God ever feels this way. He knows our hearts right? So when someone is so mad, upset or confused He knows. He knows when we are debating on leaving Him. As hard as it is to imagine we do it. We just want to leave and run away to not look back. Because we feel that we are done and that there is nothing being answered anyway. What is the point? So some have turned their backs on Jesus. Sad but true. Made me start wondering. When He knows what we are feeling in our hearts does He cry out to us? With tears falling down His precious cheeks reaching His arms out to us whispering, "don't leave."
Does this make any sense? In my head I get what I mean.
I think He does cry out for us to not leave. But more often then not I think we cry out to Him. I am starting to realize that when I cry out to Him He is crying back telling me that He is not going anywhere. Sitting closer to me drawing me into His arms and holding me. Stroking my hair, rubbing my forehead and just letting me know that His presence is real. I cry out to Him and He tells me that He is there.
How cool is it knowing that there is someone we can cry, "don't leave" to and He will listen and wrap His arms around us so tight that we know He is going no where. In my mind there are going to be the times when He cries out for us not to leave Him. So what are we going to do? Hold Him closer or run away? I plan on always pulling Him closer. The closer He gets to my heart the more at home I feel.
Sunday, October 30, 2005
Friday, October 28, 2005
I just couldn't wait
The baby's crib came in on Tuesday. I was just itching to set it up. So tonight I was humored. Thanks to daddy, Aunty Sue and I the crib is now assembled and the bedding all put into place. Just waiting on the mattress. Then we even ge tto do some paiting one day soon.
I can't wait to see this little one and I have so much time to go still. It amazes me that although we are trying to come up with names and wondering what L.B. looks like God already knows.
Our room has been rearranged to fit the computer so the baby can have it's own room. The computer just needs to make it there. One day we will have a house so it won't feel so cramped. But for right now we have a home and that is what matters.
I am so tired!! Time for bed.
SO EXCITED!!
I can't wait to see this little one and I have so much time to go still. It amazes me that although we are trying to come up with names and wondering what L.B. looks like God already knows.
Our room has been rearranged to fit the computer so the baby can have it's own room. The computer just needs to make it there. One day we will have a house so it won't feel so cramped. But for right now we have a home and that is what matters.
I am so tired!! Time for bed.
SO EXCITED!!
Giving it to God
Why is it that I give it to God with my heart yet my brain keeps me worrying and fretting?
Right now I believe that I am in a bit of my own wilderness. I am not going to get into it here right now, maybe one day but the time isn't right.
Yesterday I felt so at the end of my rope and felt the anxiety spiking and getting higher and higher. Now that isn't good for me so it definitely can't be good for the baby. So there I was driving my little Lordco car - praying out loud to God. I had turned down the music and just prayed out loud to Him. Telling Him that I am tired of the worry and the stress and that I know He will walk me through this wilderness so take the worry from me. Help me to be strong and remember that He was right by my side.
You know, I felt better. I made it a goal to work on giving it completely over to Him. Yet this morning my mind is just racing. Why don't I just leave it at His feet? Leave it outside? I feel like in essence I am almost slapping Him in the face saying, I take it back. But I don't. Not in my heart. In my heart it is now His.
I don't want to take it back. I want Him to handle it cause he does a much better job then I could. I guess it is the old tapes that I am struggling with. Time to disregard them and go on. I wish it were that easy.
I give it to God. The wilderness may be short, it may be long but thankfully He is the water that will quench my thirst and the food that will fill me to the fullest. Thankfully He won't abandon me.
Now, how do I get rid of my brain and its tendency to worry? How can I make that stop? Just stop myself and pray? Man I have a lot of learning to do.
Right now I believe that I am in a bit of my own wilderness. I am not going to get into it here right now, maybe one day but the time isn't right.
Yesterday I felt so at the end of my rope and felt the anxiety spiking and getting higher and higher. Now that isn't good for me so it definitely can't be good for the baby. So there I was driving my little Lordco car - praying out loud to God. I had turned down the music and just prayed out loud to Him. Telling Him that I am tired of the worry and the stress and that I know He will walk me through this wilderness so take the worry from me. Help me to be strong and remember that He was right by my side.
You know, I felt better. I made it a goal to work on giving it completely over to Him. Yet this morning my mind is just racing. Why don't I just leave it at His feet? Leave it outside? I feel like in essence I am almost slapping Him in the face saying, I take it back. But I don't. Not in my heart. In my heart it is now His.
I don't want to take it back. I want Him to handle it cause he does a much better job then I could. I guess it is the old tapes that I am struggling with. Time to disregard them and go on. I wish it were that easy.
I give it to God. The wilderness may be short, it may be long but thankfully He is the water that will quench my thirst and the food that will fill me to the fullest. Thankfully He won't abandon me.
Now, how do I get rid of my brain and its tendency to worry? How can I make that stop? Just stop myself and pray? Man I have a lot of learning to do.
Thursday, October 27, 2005
Yeah! She's home!
Found out today that our friend Jordanna got to come home last night. What an answer to prayers. Keep her in your prayers that she continues to grow strong and healthy. You know, being home can be a big boost in that area too. After 40 plus days one tends to never want to visit a hospital again!
So glad you are home Jordanna!!
Thank you God.
So glad you are home Jordanna!!
Thank you God.
Growing in Grace
Read something interesting in this book by Bob George.
"The Christian is being duped into the incredible deception of psychology because we have either forgotten or never learned that Christ "Knew what was in a man."
We read one Christian book aafter another explaining how to know Him, but we seldom read a book explaining how to walk by faith in the fact that He also knows us. We therefore end up saying, "God, I admit that You are more familiar with the things of heaven then I am. But you just don't understand what I am going through here in the 'real world'."
The fact of the matter is that Christ is the "real world," and all the other things that we are enamored with will soon disappear. Remember: Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see (Hebrews 11:1)"." p.34
"The Christian is being duped into the incredible deception of psychology because we have either forgotten or never learned that Christ "Knew what was in a man."
We read one Christian book aafter another explaining how to know Him, but we seldom read a book explaining how to walk by faith in the fact that He also knows us. We therefore end up saying, "God, I admit that You are more familiar with the things of heaven then I am. But you just don't understand what I am going through here in the 'real world'."
The fact of the matter is that Christ is the "real world," and all the other things that we are enamored with will soon disappear. Remember: Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see (Hebrews 11:1)"." p.34
Wednesday, October 26, 2005
We are the Body - Casting Crowns
Every time I hear this song I need to stop and think. It rings so true. If we are the body, why aren't we.....
Makes me ponder every time.
We are the Body
It's crowded in worship today
As she slips in trying to fade into the faces
The girls teasing laughter is carrying farther than they know
Farther than they know
CHORUS
But if we are the body
Why aren't His arms reaching?
Why aren't His hands healing?
Why aren't His words teaching?
And if we are the body
Why aren't His feet going?
Why is His love not showing them there is a way?
There is a way
A traveler is far away from home
He sheds his coat and quietly sinks into the back row
The weight of their judgmental glances
Tells him that his chances are better out on the road
CHORUS
Jesus paid much too high a price
For us to pick and choose who should come
And we are the body of Christ
CHORUS
Jesus is the way
Makes me ponder every time.
We are the Body
It's crowded in worship today
As she slips in trying to fade into the faces
The girls teasing laughter is carrying farther than they know
Farther than they know
CHORUS
But if we are the body
Why aren't His arms reaching?
Why aren't His hands healing?
Why aren't His words teaching?
And if we are the body
Why aren't His feet going?
Why is His love not showing them there is a way?
There is a way
A traveler is far away from home
He sheds his coat and quietly sinks into the back row
The weight of their judgmental glances
Tells him that his chances are better out on the road
CHORUS
Jesus paid much too high a price
For us to pick and choose who should come
And we are the body of Christ
CHORUS
Jesus is the way
Monday, October 24, 2005
Pastor Appreciation
You know what the month of October is? It is actually Pastor/Clergy appreciation month. I have been guilty of not telling the important pastors in my life how grateful I am for them. Each one of them.
Now, this is all my own opinion so don't anyone go getting their panties in a bunch.
I have been seeing, hearing and reading a lot of things over the last month. Negative things about being a pastor and positive. I do not know what it is like to be a pastor because I have not been priveledged enough to feel that God has called me to do that. One day He may call me. But for now the ones that I have grown to love and appreciate amaze me enough. They were called by God to do His work. I feel like it is just that. That God is using them in a way that only He will understand.
I have a lot of admiration for pastors. Mind you I will never place them above God. Cause only God is first. The sad thing is that I have seen many do just that. It becomes an individuals chruch rather then God's church. When did we go so wrong?
I was listening to Praise one day and they were talking about this. That unfortunately a church will place the leaders on high pedistals. When they fall the church falls. They were saying what would it be like if we didn't do that and we placed God up there where He needs to be. Realizing that it is His church and these are the people that He calls to help Him do the work He wants to be done. They may be there for a season or a life time. But ultimately it is God's decision.
From my point of view being a pastor is tough. Expected to be there for someone 24/7. Called to the side of someone's death bed. Sitting to have a coffee with a confussed believer. Offering a couch up to someone that is so lost in the moment. Clearing their schedule to be there in the time of need for someone. They are there in the good moments and the bad. I can only imagine what kind of stuff they help to battle. I have had help with battling from someone dear to me. It meant all the difference. Just being there can be the best thing they can do for anyone. It doesn't pay enough. But the rewards do not go unnoticed. You can see it in the eyes of those they have helped to understand Jesus. That they have guided through tough spots and fought the battle with and won.
I appreciate my pastors. Probably more then they will ever know. While I appreciate them I know that God has them here for the reason. They are willing to do the dirty work. The behind the scenes crap that most of us couldn't even imagine getting into.
Thanks to my pastors. Thank you God for calling them into the position that you have designed for them.
Now, this is all my own opinion so don't anyone go getting their panties in a bunch.
I have been seeing, hearing and reading a lot of things over the last month. Negative things about being a pastor and positive. I do not know what it is like to be a pastor because I have not been priveledged enough to feel that God has called me to do that. One day He may call me. But for now the ones that I have grown to love and appreciate amaze me enough. They were called by God to do His work. I feel like it is just that. That God is using them in a way that only He will understand.
I have a lot of admiration for pastors. Mind you I will never place them above God. Cause only God is first. The sad thing is that I have seen many do just that. It becomes an individuals chruch rather then God's church. When did we go so wrong?
I was listening to Praise one day and they were talking about this. That unfortunately a church will place the leaders on high pedistals. When they fall the church falls. They were saying what would it be like if we didn't do that and we placed God up there where He needs to be. Realizing that it is His church and these are the people that He calls to help Him do the work He wants to be done. They may be there for a season or a life time. But ultimately it is God's decision.
From my point of view being a pastor is tough. Expected to be there for someone 24/7. Called to the side of someone's death bed. Sitting to have a coffee with a confussed believer. Offering a couch up to someone that is so lost in the moment. Clearing their schedule to be there in the time of need for someone. They are there in the good moments and the bad. I can only imagine what kind of stuff they help to battle. I have had help with battling from someone dear to me. It meant all the difference. Just being there can be the best thing they can do for anyone. It doesn't pay enough. But the rewards do not go unnoticed. You can see it in the eyes of those they have helped to understand Jesus. That they have guided through tough spots and fought the battle with and won.
I appreciate my pastors. Probably more then they will ever know. While I appreciate them I know that God has them here for the reason. They are willing to do the dirty work. The behind the scenes crap that most of us couldn't even imagine getting into.
Thanks to my pastors. Thank you God for calling them into the position that you have designed for them.
Sunday, October 23, 2005
Time of Testing
"Often, even today, we seek Jesus for the wrong reasons. We unknowingly use Him. He is reduced to a resource in time of need."
Victory in the Wilderness p. 19
Ouch that hurt! But you know, unfortunately it is true.
Victory in the Wilderness p. 19
Ouch that hurt! But you know, unfortunately it is true.
Friday, October 21, 2005
Phil starts his new job.
Just send a little prayer out for him. We believe that God has directed him to this job. Just wanting to send him out prayers of encouragement.
Thursday, October 20, 2005
Following Jesus
"To follow Jesus means paying the price, and that price is incremental. He takes us to deeper levels of commitment and each time there’s a cost. So, when the time comes to do the hard—but right—thing, don’t procrastinate. Take the next step and trust Jesus." —Crawford W. Loritts livingalegacy.org
It really is some messy work. Darn it. But I am striving so hard to do that messy work so that I can live in Christ fully.
It really is some messy work. Darn it. But I am striving so hard to do that messy work so that I can live in Christ fully.
Wednesday, October 19, 2005
Fake it 'til you make it
If you are like me most of you have heard this saying almost all your life in some way or another. Either on TV, movies, parents or the such. I grew up hearing that statement.
I remember if I was sick or had a headache I was asked if I was sure. Are you faking it? No. I wasn't. To this day you will catch me saying "I'm not faking it." In fact I remember in the hospital I would say that to a few people. "I am not faking it. You believe me right?" I would ask in between the tears cause I was in so much pain. Those that loved me so deeply and unconditionally never doubted it. I would make sure that they believed me while fighting to ask for more pain killers. Fighting the pride. There was no way I was faking that.
However, there have been many times and instances where I would try my hardest to fake it. I thought I was doing good. Saying I am fine when I am hurting inside. Saying that it was all good when it wasn't. Saying ah don't worry about it when all I wanted to do was say something. To be held. Fighting the tears and hiding it when they wanted to fall. Faking the smiles. Faking the laughter. Only to find out that those who are close to me and know me well knew all along. They knew that I would keep fighting it but when the time was right I would let them in. When I could no longer fake it. Cause I just couldn't make it.
Thinking I could do it all on my own. Finding out that was a lie. Fighting hard only to discover that God knows that I am faking it. Then for myself to realize that without God I won't make it. Without myself letting Him in I wouldn't be able to go on. I could no longer do it on my own. I never could.
It has been recently when I have started to realize that He knows I am faking it but He knows the truth. He sends me things to think about it. Just as I thought I had succeeded at winning the battle. The battle that I thought was over. Only to realize that it is just the beginning. That I may be in the middle of my wilderness journey and that I need the help that God provides. That I can't do it anymore and I am tired. Tired of faking it. Sometimes I think that is what He was waiting for me to say. Waiting for me to admit the truth that He already knew.
I know that I can't make it without Him. I can't make it on my own. I can't even fake it as well as I thought I used to do. He created me the way I am. I need to be that woman of God. No matter how wrong it may feel due to the upbringing and societal ways that I have grown accustomed to thinking and believing.
As I journey through the wilderness that He guides me through I believe He is there. He knows my heart. I get mad. I yell. I cry. I shut right up. But He knows and He understands. He won't leave me. He keeps me going through that door. The doors that open because He feels I am ready. He brings me through them cause even though I feel like I have faked it well enough for it to be done and over with that it still needs to be completed.
I can't fake it. He knows me too well. The more I try to fake it the more I realize that I really am not going to make it. That I need Him to lean on to. That I don't need to fake it. I just need to learn to be the person He created me to be.
I remember if I was sick or had a headache I was asked if I was sure. Are you faking it? No. I wasn't. To this day you will catch me saying "I'm not faking it." In fact I remember in the hospital I would say that to a few people. "I am not faking it. You believe me right?" I would ask in between the tears cause I was in so much pain. Those that loved me so deeply and unconditionally never doubted it. I would make sure that they believed me while fighting to ask for more pain killers. Fighting the pride. There was no way I was faking that.
However, there have been many times and instances where I would try my hardest to fake it. I thought I was doing good. Saying I am fine when I am hurting inside. Saying that it was all good when it wasn't. Saying ah don't worry about it when all I wanted to do was say something. To be held. Fighting the tears and hiding it when they wanted to fall. Faking the smiles. Faking the laughter. Only to find out that those who are close to me and know me well knew all along. They knew that I would keep fighting it but when the time was right I would let them in. When I could no longer fake it. Cause I just couldn't make it.
Thinking I could do it all on my own. Finding out that was a lie. Fighting hard only to discover that God knows that I am faking it. Then for myself to realize that without God I won't make it. Without myself letting Him in I wouldn't be able to go on. I could no longer do it on my own. I never could.
It has been recently when I have started to realize that He knows I am faking it but He knows the truth. He sends me things to think about it. Just as I thought I had succeeded at winning the battle. The battle that I thought was over. Only to realize that it is just the beginning. That I may be in the middle of my wilderness journey and that I need the help that God provides. That I can't do it anymore and I am tired. Tired of faking it. Sometimes I think that is what He was waiting for me to say. Waiting for me to admit the truth that He already knew.
I know that I can't make it without Him. I can't make it on my own. I can't even fake it as well as I thought I used to do. He created me the way I am. I need to be that woman of God. No matter how wrong it may feel due to the upbringing and societal ways that I have grown accustomed to thinking and believing.
As I journey through the wilderness that He guides me through I believe He is there. He knows my heart. I get mad. I yell. I cry. I shut right up. But He knows and He understands. He won't leave me. He keeps me going through that door. The doors that open because He feels I am ready. He brings me through them cause even though I feel like I have faked it well enough for it to be done and over with that it still needs to be completed.
I can't fake it. He knows me too well. The more I try to fake it the more I realize that I really am not going to make it. That I need Him to lean on to. That I don't need to fake it. I just need to learn to be the person He created me to be.
Tuesday, October 18, 2005
In God's arms
The other night I was having on of my usual "moments". Still don't know if it is the extra hormones that surge through my body at any given moment or if it was a time for me to just reflect. Haven't let myself just cry. You know just sit and cry when I feel like it all just needs to come out. Being the stubborn person I am I always held it in.
Lately it is like it has been harder to hold that in. So I climbed into bed and lay there by myself. Caught myself spending time with God. I wasn't alone.
My tears soaking the pillow. Curled into a ball with the covers pulled to my chin. It was actually a very real and relaxing moment for me. My imagination and my heart took off. All of a sudden I envisioned myself in His arms. My head was laying against His chest. My tears soaking His robe. The blanket was his arms that pulled the robe around me to protect me and keep me safe. Felt the strength in His embrace. Almost like He was running His hands through my hair calming me. Whispering, "it's ok My child. That's right, let me hold you. Let it go."
I immediately wanted to stop. Didn't want to cry against His chest. Didn't want to show my vulnerability. He knew. He held me tighter. He told me that He knows my vulnerability. He created me. His chest was there for me to cry against. That He was there for me to just collapse and feel totally safe in His arms. You know what? That was the first night in a long time that I actually slept all the way through. Woke up in a good mood. Totally conscience of His presence. What a gift He gave me that night.
I have been learning to engulf those gifts He gives me. Either it be crying in His arms and feeling His presence. Feeling the love of community and family. Feeling the joy or pain of that same family.
I am a very emotional and protective person. To some it may be annoying but that is my way. Those closest to me know that it can't be changed. I believe that is a gift from God. A gift designed out the specific way He wants it to be. When someone hurts I hurt. When they are happy I share in the joy. I now embrace it wholeheartedly. I used to think I was just nuts but now I believe that I am meant to feel it so I can relate. To be the support someone needs or to know how the person feels. To know when to just jump in and not accept no for an answer or to just sit and listen. To know when to hold people or when to let them go. Some I haven't let go. Must hang on. But I feel it is time. I will protect any of my friends to the end of the Earth. I will walk on the outside so the cars hit me before they hit them. I will stand up for them in a heartbeat. No questions asked. You hurt my friend you hurt me. That is just the way I am.
The more I learn to embrace it the more I understand. I am not saying I am like God but is that not what He does? Protects His children. Jesus puts Himself on the cross to fight for us before we are even born. A perfect follower of God gives up His life so that we can have life in Him. Holding us and letting us cry. Lifting us onto His shoulders and dancing with us. Embracing us. Going through the cess pool every step of the way. Fighting for us.
If we are truly the body of Christ then we need to be just like God's arms. We need to embrace. To love. How much better would it be just to be in His arms all the time?
Lately it is like it has been harder to hold that in. So I climbed into bed and lay there by myself. Caught myself spending time with God. I wasn't alone.
My tears soaking the pillow. Curled into a ball with the covers pulled to my chin. It was actually a very real and relaxing moment for me. My imagination and my heart took off. All of a sudden I envisioned myself in His arms. My head was laying against His chest. My tears soaking His robe. The blanket was his arms that pulled the robe around me to protect me and keep me safe. Felt the strength in His embrace. Almost like He was running His hands through my hair calming me. Whispering, "it's ok My child. That's right, let me hold you. Let it go."
I immediately wanted to stop. Didn't want to cry against His chest. Didn't want to show my vulnerability. He knew. He held me tighter. He told me that He knows my vulnerability. He created me. His chest was there for me to cry against. That He was there for me to just collapse and feel totally safe in His arms. You know what? That was the first night in a long time that I actually slept all the way through. Woke up in a good mood. Totally conscience of His presence. What a gift He gave me that night.
I have been learning to engulf those gifts He gives me. Either it be crying in His arms and feeling His presence. Feeling the love of community and family. Feeling the joy or pain of that same family.
I am a very emotional and protective person. To some it may be annoying but that is my way. Those closest to me know that it can't be changed. I believe that is a gift from God. A gift designed out the specific way He wants it to be. When someone hurts I hurt. When they are happy I share in the joy. I now embrace it wholeheartedly. I used to think I was just nuts but now I believe that I am meant to feel it so I can relate. To be the support someone needs or to know how the person feels. To know when to just jump in and not accept no for an answer or to just sit and listen. To know when to hold people or when to let them go. Some I haven't let go. Must hang on. But I feel it is time. I will protect any of my friends to the end of the Earth. I will walk on the outside so the cars hit me before they hit them. I will stand up for them in a heartbeat. No questions asked. You hurt my friend you hurt me. That is just the way I am.
The more I learn to embrace it the more I understand. I am not saying I am like God but is that not what He does? Protects His children. Jesus puts Himself on the cross to fight for us before we are even born. A perfect follower of God gives up His life so that we can have life in Him. Holding us and letting us cry. Lifting us onto His shoulders and dancing with us. Embracing us. Going through the cess pool every step of the way. Fighting for us.
If we are truly the body of Christ then we need to be just like God's arms. We need to embrace. To love. How much better would it be just to be in His arms all the time?
Monday, October 17, 2005
Tough moments
Been in a few of those over my years. Moments that make me stop and remember things that I had thought I had buried so deep that I threw away the key. Only to come to the realization that it is not true. It is all still there.
Tested on a daily basis. I can't test God but He sure as heck can test me. In the tough moments learning what to lean on. Crawled into His lap and layed my head against His chest and felt His robe wrap around me and keep me safe. Keep me warm. He lets me cry. Lets me scream. Lets me get it out.
Put into situations and circumstances in which I am not comfortable only to discover that I have God beside me and I just need to focus on Him.
The tough moments are always the hardest to get through. But He did say that He would not leave us. The tough moments when you feel like all is lost He is there whispering in your ear to tell you to keep taking those baby steps. To deal with the past and the hurt because He is the great surgeon that will help to make my heart new and whole in Him. The surgery always hurts. Makes me bleed. Makes me weak. But deep, deep down I know that it is ok. Cause He is the only one with a steady enough hand to do the delicate work. The intricate details that only His hands know how to perfect.
The tough moments come in spurts. Some can all come at once and bombard me to the point where I drop to my knees. Too weak to move. Then in the moments of clarity I wonder if that was the point. If that was where He needed and wanted me to be all along. To bring myself to Him. To be held in His arms. To trust that it will pass.
Moments and things I am not willing to get into with anyone. Just turning to God or at least learning to. Maybe once we figure it out it will be time to let others in. Just being patient right now knowing that God has His plans and things come up now because He thinks I am ready. Even if I don't think I am. Carrying me through the moments.
Tested on a daily basis. I can't test God but He sure as heck can test me. In the tough moments learning what to lean on. Crawled into His lap and layed my head against His chest and felt His robe wrap around me and keep me safe. Keep me warm. He lets me cry. Lets me scream. Lets me get it out.
Put into situations and circumstances in which I am not comfortable only to discover that I have God beside me and I just need to focus on Him.
The tough moments are always the hardest to get through. But He did say that He would not leave us. The tough moments when you feel like all is lost He is there whispering in your ear to tell you to keep taking those baby steps. To deal with the past and the hurt because He is the great surgeon that will help to make my heart new and whole in Him. The surgery always hurts. Makes me bleed. Makes me weak. But deep, deep down I know that it is ok. Cause He is the only one with a steady enough hand to do the delicate work. The intricate details that only His hands know how to perfect.
The tough moments come in spurts. Some can all come at once and bombard me to the point where I drop to my knees. Too weak to move. Then in the moments of clarity I wonder if that was the point. If that was where He needed and wanted me to be all along. To bring myself to Him. To be held in His arms. To trust that it will pass.
Moments and things I am not willing to get into with anyone. Just turning to God or at least learning to. Maybe once we figure it out it will be time to let others in. Just being patient right now knowing that God has His plans and things come up now because He thinks I am ready. Even if I don't think I am. Carrying me through the moments.
Saturday, October 15, 2005
McDonalds
Last weekend was an interesting one for me. Phil's mom bought us a crib and my mom bought us the bedding we had chosen.
After the shopping was done Phil, Sue and I were all hungry so we went to the local McDonalds in Langley. The one off of 200th and Willowbrook Drive. Across from Staples. While there I saw something and vowed to never go back there.
There was this gentleman sitting kiddie corner to us. He looked homeless. Had a huge back pack with miscelleneous things attached to it. He had come in from outside and gotten a refill on a coffee. From what I saw from my vantage point I didn't see him doing anything wrong. I could tell that some people were actually disturbed and uncomfortable with his presence. There he was quietly sitting stiring his honey into his coffee. Bothering no one.
Now I didn't catch the full conversation and I may be judging, but I am judging upon the actions that I saw carried out before me.
The manager had walked over to him and asked the gentleman for his receipt for his coffee. Now who the heck keeps a receipt for the coffee? I am not sure if the manager was also uncomfortable with his presence or not. The man inside couldn't produce a receipt. So the manager thought that he had scammed it. You know it is SO expensive for a McDonalds cup of coffee. It probably cost him a whole 10 cents. I know some of you may be saying that it wasn't the point. But to me I was appaled.
The manger kicked the guy out and even took away his cup of coffee. My heart felt for him. I had no cash so I couldn't offer to buy him a cup. I wish I could have. I was just taken aback at the managers treatment of a guy that was doing no wrong that any of us could see.
The manager even followed the guy out the store to make sure that he definately left the property. When he went outside he saw two other homeless people sitting on the curb in front of his store. He then proceeded to ask those guys to leave.
I understand that it sets an image for the company but why not create a softer image rather then a strict one that has no room for lines to be crossed. What about one that opened their arms to people that needed it.
Got me to really start thinking. What IF God was one of us?
After the shopping was done Phil, Sue and I were all hungry so we went to the local McDonalds in Langley. The one off of 200th and Willowbrook Drive. Across from Staples. While there I saw something and vowed to never go back there.
There was this gentleman sitting kiddie corner to us. He looked homeless. Had a huge back pack with miscelleneous things attached to it. He had come in from outside and gotten a refill on a coffee. From what I saw from my vantage point I didn't see him doing anything wrong. I could tell that some people were actually disturbed and uncomfortable with his presence. There he was quietly sitting stiring his honey into his coffee. Bothering no one.
Now I didn't catch the full conversation and I may be judging, but I am judging upon the actions that I saw carried out before me.
The manager had walked over to him and asked the gentleman for his receipt for his coffee. Now who the heck keeps a receipt for the coffee? I am not sure if the manager was also uncomfortable with his presence or not. The man inside couldn't produce a receipt. So the manager thought that he had scammed it. You know it is SO expensive for a McDonalds cup of coffee. It probably cost him a whole 10 cents. I know some of you may be saying that it wasn't the point. But to me I was appaled.
The manger kicked the guy out and even took away his cup of coffee. My heart felt for him. I had no cash so I couldn't offer to buy him a cup. I wish I could have. I was just taken aback at the managers treatment of a guy that was doing no wrong that any of us could see.
The manager even followed the guy out the store to make sure that he definately left the property. When he went outside he saw two other homeless people sitting on the curb in front of his store. He then proceeded to ask those guys to leave.
I understand that it sets an image for the company but why not create a softer image rather then a strict one that has no room for lines to be crossed. What about one that opened their arms to people that needed it.
Got me to really start thinking. What IF God was one of us?
Got this yesterday
been in my mind still to this moment.
Dt. 3:22
"Do not be afraid of them; the Lord your God himself will fight for you."
I took this rather to heart. That I need not be afraid of anything cause no matter what God will always be the one fighting for me. Always. How cool is that? What an awesome God to have on our side.
Dt. 3:22
"Do not be afraid of them; the Lord your God himself will fight for you."
I took this rather to heart. That I need not be afraid of anything cause no matter what God will always be the one fighting for me. Always. How cool is that? What an awesome God to have on our side.
Wednesday, October 12, 2005
Christmas Cocoa
The other day I was craving chocolate. So I went into the kitchen to make myself some hot chocolate cause I was also cold. I had a childhood memory come back to me.
It's grandma's house. We would get there and she would always have some hot water boiled and waiting for my brother and I to help ourselves to it. Adding chocolate mix to make our favorite drink. Grandma would give us some of those little colored marshmallows to put on top. My brother and I always fought over who had more so it came down to mom setting a specific number that we could put in. So let's say that number was 10. Grandma would always sneak in a few more, whispering for us not to tell. That was Grandma's Christmas Cocoa. No matter what time of the year it was it was always called the same thing.
It got exciting to go over to Grandma's for the special Grandma treat. To this day, about 17 years later, she still asks me if I would like some Christmas Cocoa.
While I was remembering this childhood moment I started to think. This is what I want for my child. Happy memories like this. Memories of doing things with mommy or daddy. Or both. Or grandma. I really do long to be a stay at home mom. I just pray that it will be God's will and that it will work out financially for us. There is nothing more that I want then to be at home with my child. (remind me of this when I blog about pulling out my hair months from now)
It is awesome cause Phil wants the same thing for me. I leave it in God's hands and pray that it is what He wants too.
It's grandma's house. We would get there and she would always have some hot water boiled and waiting for my brother and I to help ourselves to it. Adding chocolate mix to make our favorite drink. Grandma would give us some of those little colored marshmallows to put on top. My brother and I always fought over who had more so it came down to mom setting a specific number that we could put in. So let's say that number was 10. Grandma would always sneak in a few more, whispering for us not to tell. That was Grandma's Christmas Cocoa. No matter what time of the year it was it was always called the same thing.
It got exciting to go over to Grandma's for the special Grandma treat. To this day, about 17 years later, she still asks me if I would like some Christmas Cocoa.
While I was remembering this childhood moment I started to think. This is what I want for my child. Happy memories like this. Memories of doing things with mommy or daddy. Or both. Or grandma. I really do long to be a stay at home mom. I just pray that it will be God's will and that it will work out financially for us. There is nothing more that I want then to be at home with my child. (remind me of this when I blog about pulling out my hair months from now)
It is awesome cause Phil wants the same thing for me. I leave it in God's hands and pray that it is what He wants too.
Tuesday, October 11, 2005
Daily Christian Wisdom
"Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved."
-Helen Keller
Something I am learning. And only through God can the success be achieved.
-Helen Keller
Something I am learning. And only through God can the success be achieved.
Monday, October 10, 2005
Ok, ok... So I was tagged
twice. so I found my 23rd post.
Here is the fifth line:
So I got out and told my husband that I was going to go for a run.
I was talking about going out for a run. Just needed to get some things off my chest. You know, either figuratively or physically I have spent a lot of time running. It has only been recently when I think I have slowed down enough to be caught up to.
I am not going to tag anyone cause I think most people have been. That is the thing with being slowest to respond. Oh well...
Here is the fifth line:
So I got out and told my husband that I was going to go for a run.
I was talking about going out for a run. Just needed to get some things off my chest. You know, either figuratively or physically I have spent a lot of time running. It has only been recently when I think I have slowed down enough to be caught up to.
I am not going to tag anyone cause I think most people have been. That is the thing with being slowest to respond. Oh well...
Sunday, October 09, 2005
Being Thankful
Todays church service seemed to tug at my heart strings and my tear ducts a little more then usual. I still am trying to figure out if it was just the hormones. I don't think so.
Greg went around with the wireless mic and asked some people to volunteer to say what they were thankful for this Thanksgiving. I wanted to speak but was already crying so didn't even bother. But did tell him afterwards.
For some reason this Thanksgiving seems to pull me a little more then usual. In a good direction.
As weird as this may sound I am thankful for my last week in the hospital. I know, sounds pretty stupid hey? My week in the hospital seemed to open my eyes and heart a little more to God. Something I was searching to have happen. It may not have been obvious on the outside but I felt it on the inside. I am thankful for growing in Christ and that He is always there for me.
I am thankful for:
God
Friends that love me
An awesome husband
To be proveledged enough to carry this miracle God has blessed us with
I am thankful for more but that is what has been on my heart the most lately. The moments in which God came so much closer to me were sometimes in my weakest moments. In the loving touch of someone who cared. That wouldn't leave my side no matter how foolish I felt or how long they had already been there. In the eyes of my soul mate. In the moment of silence when the tears poured and my heart cried to God. I realize that I may be repeating myself here but I just can't seem to state the point enough.
As I dropped to my knees just to let him wash over me the tears fell. Feeling the eyes of people possibly on me I got scared and wanted to stand. But then I didn't care. I shook and I cried but it wasn't for me. It wasn't for anyone to judge. It was in total admiration of my Father. Of our Saviour.
Thank you God for moments like today and those in the hospital. Thank you for your Son so that I may live a new life in You. Thank you Lord for your mercy and your grace. The two things that I have struggled to understand but I think I may be getting it now.
So this Thanksgiving remember our Father as we do everyday. I am glad I am able to express myself in ways that only He may understand. I am so Thankful that I am here today. At this moment. In this life. And that I have such an awesome Father who is always there for me.
Greg went around with the wireless mic and asked some people to volunteer to say what they were thankful for this Thanksgiving. I wanted to speak but was already crying so didn't even bother. But did tell him afterwards.
For some reason this Thanksgiving seems to pull me a little more then usual. In a good direction.
As weird as this may sound I am thankful for my last week in the hospital. I know, sounds pretty stupid hey? My week in the hospital seemed to open my eyes and heart a little more to God. Something I was searching to have happen. It may not have been obvious on the outside but I felt it on the inside. I am thankful for growing in Christ and that He is always there for me.
I am thankful for:
God
Friends that love me
An awesome husband
To be proveledged enough to carry this miracle God has blessed us with
I am thankful for more but that is what has been on my heart the most lately. The moments in which God came so much closer to me were sometimes in my weakest moments. In the loving touch of someone who cared. That wouldn't leave my side no matter how foolish I felt or how long they had already been there. In the eyes of my soul mate. In the moment of silence when the tears poured and my heart cried to God. I realize that I may be repeating myself here but I just can't seem to state the point enough.
As I dropped to my knees just to let him wash over me the tears fell. Feeling the eyes of people possibly on me I got scared and wanted to stand. But then I didn't care. I shook and I cried but it wasn't for me. It wasn't for anyone to judge. It was in total admiration of my Father. Of our Saviour.
Thank you God for moments like today and those in the hospital. Thank you for your Son so that I may live a new life in You. Thank you Lord for your mercy and your grace. The two things that I have struggled to understand but I think I may be getting it now.
So this Thanksgiving remember our Father as we do everyday. I am glad I am able to express myself in ways that only He may understand. I am so Thankful that I am here today. At this moment. In this life. And that I have such an awesome Father who is always there for me.
Saturday, October 08, 2005
Getting more and more excited
I know, I know. I am only just past three months but I am excited! Daddy and I are talking about how to lay out the baby's room. I get my ultrasound in November. We did a gift registry at Sears yesterday. It just seems so much more exciting right now for some reason.
Could it be that I am out of my first trimester so I feel a little more at ease? I know the baby is developing and growing strong. I saw it on the ultrasound when I was in the hospital. The only good thing about that whole "trip".
So at only 13 weeks my excitment is growing. It is going to be such a long time yet but it will come. I am so excited to meet the little miracle that God has blessed this family with.
Funny thing with babies on the way. Tattered, torn, hard relatinships that you thought were meant to stay the way they are are tending to start working themselves out. Funny how God works. With the baby on the way I am actually seeing a difference in one of my relationships. I got to hear something, sorry, that I was waiting for for ever. Amazing how precious babies really are. I am so in love with this little bean already that I can't imagine how I would be able to love it more.
Thank you God for the blessing.
Could it be that I am out of my first trimester so I feel a little more at ease? I know the baby is developing and growing strong. I saw it on the ultrasound when I was in the hospital. The only good thing about that whole "trip".
So at only 13 weeks my excitment is growing. It is going to be such a long time yet but it will come. I am so excited to meet the little miracle that God has blessed this family with.
Funny thing with babies on the way. Tattered, torn, hard relatinships that you thought were meant to stay the way they are are tending to start working themselves out. Funny how God works. With the baby on the way I am actually seeing a difference in one of my relationships. I got to hear something, sorry, that I was waiting for for ever. Amazing how precious babies really are. I am so in love with this little bean already that I can't imagine how I would be able to love it more.
Thank you God for the blessing.
Friday, October 07, 2005
Jordanna
As some of you may or may not know one of the youths from our church, Jordanna, is in the hospital. Mitch is one of her friends and he keeps us up to date on her progress whenever he can. Last I heard she was going to be transferred to Children's hospital for more care. It looks like her galbladder may need to be removed. She has been in the hospital for 20 plus days now.
I have been thinking a lot about her lately.
There I was laying in my bed barely able to move when I look up and she had made her way to my room from the other end of the hospital. Complete with IV pole and all. She is barely well herself and here she was worried about me and asking me how I was doing. Giving me that warm smile all the time. I was shocked.
Jordanna is an amazing young woman that has had to go through so much growing up and, to put it plainly, crap for someone her age in the past month.
She is someone I can look up to. I really admire her. Her faith in Christ never seemed to falter. She always would have a smile on her face no matter how much pain she may have been in at that moment. Lost her dignity. Has thrown up in front of her friends, her family. Meanwhile I was afraid to throw up in front of the nurses. She has been poked and prodded like a piece of raw meat. Has lost nearly 20 pounds and yet still smiles.
She is in the same boat I was in. Unable to keep anything down. Even water. Yet she laughs in between the pain and the tests. Frustrating answers. Lack there of. Yet she still keeps her awesome disposition. A woman God can really be proud of.
In her state she is in a way ministering to the fellow patients and the nurses. Telling them all about Thailand and never hesitating to talk about God with whoever will listen. She absolutely amazes me and is a good example for me. As I ventured down to her room one day to visit I could hear the worship songs she was playing filling the halls and walking into her room knowing and feeling how much she loved God.
She has kept her faith strong. She even said she was praying for ME. I couldn't believe it. Admidst all her pain and agony she was still thinking about others. Makes me proud to call her a sister in Christ. Proud to call her family. Proud to look up to her even though she is younger.
I am growing and learning and have come a long way. But just like anything in this life being a Christian and following Christ ever so faithfully takes a lot of work. Hard work that you must be willing to do that others may not want to. Requires getting your hands dirty for Christ. I am so glad that I can see this in Jordanna and that amazes me. She truly is an inspiration.
So I am going to end here by asking for continued prayer for her healing and the doctors wisdom. Keep her in your prayers.
If you are like me getting to know this young woman would change your life forever.
I have been thinking a lot about her lately.
There I was laying in my bed barely able to move when I look up and she had made her way to my room from the other end of the hospital. Complete with IV pole and all. She is barely well herself and here she was worried about me and asking me how I was doing. Giving me that warm smile all the time. I was shocked.
Jordanna is an amazing young woman that has had to go through so much growing up and, to put it plainly, crap for someone her age in the past month.
She is someone I can look up to. I really admire her. Her faith in Christ never seemed to falter. She always would have a smile on her face no matter how much pain she may have been in at that moment. Lost her dignity. Has thrown up in front of her friends, her family. Meanwhile I was afraid to throw up in front of the nurses. She has been poked and prodded like a piece of raw meat. Has lost nearly 20 pounds and yet still smiles.
She is in the same boat I was in. Unable to keep anything down. Even water. Yet she laughs in between the pain and the tests. Frustrating answers. Lack there of. Yet she still keeps her awesome disposition. A woman God can really be proud of.
In her state she is in a way ministering to the fellow patients and the nurses. Telling them all about Thailand and never hesitating to talk about God with whoever will listen. She absolutely amazes me and is a good example for me. As I ventured down to her room one day to visit I could hear the worship songs she was playing filling the halls and walking into her room knowing and feeling how much she loved God.
She has kept her faith strong. She even said she was praying for ME. I couldn't believe it. Admidst all her pain and agony she was still thinking about others. Makes me proud to call her a sister in Christ. Proud to call her family. Proud to look up to her even though she is younger.
I am growing and learning and have come a long way. But just like anything in this life being a Christian and following Christ ever so faithfully takes a lot of work. Hard work that you must be willing to do that others may not want to. Requires getting your hands dirty for Christ. I am so glad that I can see this in Jordanna and that amazes me. She truly is an inspiration.
So I am going to end here by asking for continued prayer for her healing and the doctors wisdom. Keep her in your prayers.
If you are like me getting to know this young woman would change your life forever.
Thursday, October 06, 2005
A week I never want to go through again - Part 2
Where was I? Oh yeah - the goal to find the vein.
Remember: The following may be too graphic for some - reader discretion advised....
I had actually become so dehydrated that it was hard for the nurse to find my vein. Finally he was able to and he put in the needle that would provide me nutrients and the hydration that my body and the baby so badly needed. That needle hurt!!
So the needle was in and the course of pain killers started. I am allergic to morphine so they had to do the demeral (I am sure I spelt that wrong!) When you do the demeral you need to follow it immediately with the gravol. Thankfully they were quick with that! The shot didn't do anything. It wasn't strong enough so they gave me a double dose. Immediately my mind went to the baby. Was this ok for my little one? I tried to ask between the drowsiness and the absolute state of dumbness. To ease my mind and to verify that I was pregnant they got the Doppler out to listen to little Bean's heart beat. There it was. Doped up but strong at 120 bpm. I cried. There was our baby and daddy was right there to hear it. It was getting late and then I see Michelle. She came to check on us. It was nice to have people there. There is nothing scarier then being in a hospital by yourself.
They had decided to admit me so that the next morning they could run the tests that they needed to. Phil, knowing that I would be admitted and the pain was being managed and that his two people were being cared for went home. I was scared. He had to go to work the next day so he needed his rest.
Trying to sleep in the emergency ward is another story. My eyes were heavy and yet I could not sleep and when I did it felt like an hour only to find out that it was only ten minutes. I woke up closer to midnight and the pain was getting bad again. I was in tears and I wished that Phil was there. I heard the curtain open and saw Sue. She came to visit me as well. It was good timing.
So the next morning I went for an ultrasound to check out the galbladder and the kidneys. They did see fluid in the kidneys which suggested a kidney infection. While they were there they snuck a peak at LB (Little Bean). It was amazing! The little heart was going at 152 bpm. There it was. Moving around running from the technician. It even waved. I cried cause daddy couldn't be there for the first ultrasound. The technician felt bad so she snuck a picture of the little one off for me. It now sits in a little silver frame that says "baby". I was upset cause I had no one to share it with. Just after being brought back into the emergency room I had a visitor. Barely able to move and totally drugged I was like, "look, look...." While reaching under the pillow to grab the picture. It was my ray of light in such a dark situation. I had to stay in the emergency room until 8 o'clock that night when a bed upstairs was finally free.
My doctor had come in and confirmed the suspicion of the kidney infection. Started the antibiotics. He reassured me that they were perfectly safe for the baby. I was still getting sick and couldn't even handle the water.
The next day, Friday, my doctor came in and removed the IV. Thought that I would be able to go home the next day. After he had just finished saying that they want to do the drip antibiotics for at least 48 - 72 hours. It hadn't even been 24 yet! So the IV was removed. The pain was still intense. Still getting sick. Part of me thought that the nurses didn't believe me cause they never were around when I threw up.
God changed that the next morning. It had to of been Him. As usual I was feeling sick and this time I threw up the pills and the nurse was next door. She came in right away with a shot of gravol and wrote it in my chart. The doctor saw that and the fact that I wasn't eating and put me back on the IV and changed my anti-nausea medicine. Which I think made all the difference. That day, Saturday, was the worst day ever. Swaying back and forth not able to open my eyes and look at my visitors. I did have a visitor and Phil was there too. I was scared. The pain was incredible. The feeling of throwing up was in my mouth. I was crying. I was breathing weird. Shallow I guess. (so I was told). Wanting to beg Phil and my guest not to leave but not knowing how. So I just looked up and said, "don't leave yet". I was told that they weren't planning on it. They sat there and rubbed my back. Put a cloth on my forehead. Held the bucket when I almost lost it. I felt very small but very loved and safe. To me that was definitely a blessing from God. I could imagine God's touch through all the loving things that were being done to make sure I was comfortable. I did eventually sleep.
Sunday was a sad day too. I was missing church. I hated that. Phil brought my MP3 Player, as you may have read from the last post. I listened to God. I prayed to Him. I cried to Him. I pictured myself in His arms. I had faith that His hand of mercy would heal me. You know what, that night things started going a little better. Held down a little bit of chicken noodle soup. The next day was one that I would eat again.
There were moments of sheer frustration. I think it was Friday night when I was brought dinner of clear fluids. Which consists of Jell-o, juice and something they claim to be broth. I tend to disagree. There was two ladies across from me. They got fish for dinner and little desserts. I heard one complain that she doesn't like fish and the other complain that she doesn't like date squares. That was enough for me. I closed my curtain and cried. Here I am not even able to keep down Jell-o and they were complaining about their food. I would have given anything just to keep down something. I cried cause I was just so frustrated.
I had an attack due to the codeine in the T3's I was being given. Got super dizzy. Broke out in a cold sweat with a fever. That was Friday night. There went the dinner I worked so hard to keep down.
Anyway.... I did get to go home. Obviously. With some prescriptions. A time of torture to my body but also a time of rest for my soul. I am still taking this week off to get my strength back. That is what Phil wanted too. But it worries me. That is one whole paycheck I won't be getting. I am just trusting God though and I know that He will pull us through.
This may not of sounded like a big thing to some of you readers. I know people younger then me that are going through worse, that's a different entry. But in my crazy little world that was a big enough obstacle for me to go through. Now it is over. I am on the road to recovery and I can only hope that the next time I am in the hospital it will be to deliver my little one.
This whole experience has taught me to trust God more. To understand that it is ok and that He does know what He is doing. Maybe I needed to go through it to come back to Him. To being closer to Him.
I thank God that I am healing. I thank God for His healing touch and I know there is no way I couldn't have done it without all the prayers and the wishes that went my way. Without all those that took the time out of their busy lives to be with me day in and day out and sometimes even just for a little bit. It all meant a lot to me. I hope you all know who you are. Know that I love you. That I am thankful for all you have done. Thankful for all the prayers and the well wishes. I will never forget those people and these events that have happened in this past week for as long as I live. Thank you. Thank you God for opening my eyes.
I actually remember looking at Phil one day and telling Him, "we are loved." He smiled and said, "you bet we are".
Remember: The following may be too graphic for some - reader discretion advised....
I had actually become so dehydrated that it was hard for the nurse to find my vein. Finally he was able to and he put in the needle that would provide me nutrients and the hydration that my body and the baby so badly needed. That needle hurt!!
So the needle was in and the course of pain killers started. I am allergic to morphine so they had to do the demeral (I am sure I spelt that wrong!) When you do the demeral you need to follow it immediately with the gravol. Thankfully they were quick with that! The shot didn't do anything. It wasn't strong enough so they gave me a double dose. Immediately my mind went to the baby. Was this ok for my little one? I tried to ask between the drowsiness and the absolute state of dumbness. To ease my mind and to verify that I was pregnant they got the Doppler out to listen to little Bean's heart beat. There it was. Doped up but strong at 120 bpm. I cried. There was our baby and daddy was right there to hear it. It was getting late and then I see Michelle. She came to check on us. It was nice to have people there. There is nothing scarier then being in a hospital by yourself.
They had decided to admit me so that the next morning they could run the tests that they needed to. Phil, knowing that I would be admitted and the pain was being managed and that his two people were being cared for went home. I was scared. He had to go to work the next day so he needed his rest.
Trying to sleep in the emergency ward is another story. My eyes were heavy and yet I could not sleep and when I did it felt like an hour only to find out that it was only ten minutes. I woke up closer to midnight and the pain was getting bad again. I was in tears and I wished that Phil was there. I heard the curtain open and saw Sue. She came to visit me as well. It was good timing.
So the next morning I went for an ultrasound to check out the galbladder and the kidneys. They did see fluid in the kidneys which suggested a kidney infection. While they were there they snuck a peak at LB (Little Bean). It was amazing! The little heart was going at 152 bpm. There it was. Moving around running from the technician. It even waved. I cried cause daddy couldn't be there for the first ultrasound. The technician felt bad so she snuck a picture of the little one off for me. It now sits in a little silver frame that says "baby". I was upset cause I had no one to share it with. Just after being brought back into the emergency room I had a visitor. Barely able to move and totally drugged I was like, "look, look...." While reaching under the pillow to grab the picture. It was my ray of light in such a dark situation. I had to stay in the emergency room until 8 o'clock that night when a bed upstairs was finally free.
My doctor had come in and confirmed the suspicion of the kidney infection. Started the antibiotics. He reassured me that they were perfectly safe for the baby. I was still getting sick and couldn't even handle the water.
The next day, Friday, my doctor came in and removed the IV. Thought that I would be able to go home the next day. After he had just finished saying that they want to do the drip antibiotics for at least 48 - 72 hours. It hadn't even been 24 yet! So the IV was removed. The pain was still intense. Still getting sick. Part of me thought that the nurses didn't believe me cause they never were around when I threw up.
God changed that the next morning. It had to of been Him. As usual I was feeling sick and this time I threw up the pills and the nurse was next door. She came in right away with a shot of gravol and wrote it in my chart. The doctor saw that and the fact that I wasn't eating and put me back on the IV and changed my anti-nausea medicine. Which I think made all the difference. That day, Saturday, was the worst day ever. Swaying back and forth not able to open my eyes and look at my visitors. I did have a visitor and Phil was there too. I was scared. The pain was incredible. The feeling of throwing up was in my mouth. I was crying. I was breathing weird. Shallow I guess. (so I was told). Wanting to beg Phil and my guest not to leave but not knowing how. So I just looked up and said, "don't leave yet". I was told that they weren't planning on it. They sat there and rubbed my back. Put a cloth on my forehead. Held the bucket when I almost lost it. I felt very small but very loved and safe. To me that was definitely a blessing from God. I could imagine God's touch through all the loving things that were being done to make sure I was comfortable. I did eventually sleep.
Sunday was a sad day too. I was missing church. I hated that. Phil brought my MP3 Player, as you may have read from the last post. I listened to God. I prayed to Him. I cried to Him. I pictured myself in His arms. I had faith that His hand of mercy would heal me. You know what, that night things started going a little better. Held down a little bit of chicken noodle soup. The next day was one that I would eat again.
There were moments of sheer frustration. I think it was Friday night when I was brought dinner of clear fluids. Which consists of Jell-o, juice and something they claim to be broth. I tend to disagree. There was two ladies across from me. They got fish for dinner and little desserts. I heard one complain that she doesn't like fish and the other complain that she doesn't like date squares. That was enough for me. I closed my curtain and cried. Here I am not even able to keep down Jell-o and they were complaining about their food. I would have given anything just to keep down something. I cried cause I was just so frustrated.
I had an attack due to the codeine in the T3's I was being given. Got super dizzy. Broke out in a cold sweat with a fever. That was Friday night. There went the dinner I worked so hard to keep down.
Anyway.... I did get to go home. Obviously. With some prescriptions. A time of torture to my body but also a time of rest for my soul. I am still taking this week off to get my strength back. That is what Phil wanted too. But it worries me. That is one whole paycheck I won't be getting. I am just trusting God though and I know that He will pull us through.
This may not of sounded like a big thing to some of you readers. I know people younger then me that are going through worse, that's a different entry. But in my crazy little world that was a big enough obstacle for me to go through. Now it is over. I am on the road to recovery and I can only hope that the next time I am in the hospital it will be to deliver my little one.
This whole experience has taught me to trust God more. To understand that it is ok and that He does know what He is doing. Maybe I needed to go through it to come back to Him. To being closer to Him.
I thank God that I am healing. I thank God for His healing touch and I know there is no way I couldn't have done it without all the prayers and the wishes that went my way. Without all those that took the time out of their busy lives to be with me day in and day out and sometimes even just for a little bit. It all meant a lot to me. I hope you all know who you are. Know that I love you. That I am thankful for all you have done. Thankful for all the prayers and the well wishes. I will never forget those people and these events that have happened in this past week for as long as I live. Thank you. Thank you God for opening my eyes.
I actually remember looking at Phil one day and telling Him, "we are loved." He smiled and said, "you bet we are".
Wednesday, October 05, 2005
A very real God moment
On Sunday Phil brought me my MP3 player. I had it filled with praise music. I kept waking up with praise songs in my head so he finally brought it for me.
One of the songs hit me and hit me hard. I am going to post the lyrics here. I was laying in my bed bored out of my mind. I had gone through ten other songs of praise when I came to this one. I was laying there looking out the window watching the clouds change their shape and form. Thinking about the hand God had placed upon them to do that. Phil came into the room while I was listening to this song. He saw tears coming down my cheek. Concerned he imediately asked me what was wrong. I told him nothing. Just remembering and picturing God's love. Just worshipping Him. So he left me to continue.
Can you guess at which part I cried? It was a reminder to me that yes He was there going through all this pain with me.
It is a very mellow and relaxing song.
MORE THEN A FRIEND
-Jeremy Riddle
In the quiet of my soul
In the stillness I hear Your voice call
And I am overwhelmed
And I am lost for words
To describe You
(Chorus)
Jesus, You're more than a friend
Jesus, You're more than my heart could
ever express
Your love and Your grace never fail me
Your merciful touch always heals me
You bring joy to my soul
Joy to my soul
My heart longs to worship You, my King
And I long to bring You a pleasing offering
And I am overwhelmed
And I am lost for words
To describe You
(repeat chorus 2x)
Your love and Your grace
Your merciful touch
Brings joy to my soul
Joy to my soul
One of the songs hit me and hit me hard. I am going to post the lyrics here. I was laying in my bed bored out of my mind. I had gone through ten other songs of praise when I came to this one. I was laying there looking out the window watching the clouds change their shape and form. Thinking about the hand God had placed upon them to do that. Phil came into the room while I was listening to this song. He saw tears coming down my cheek. Concerned he imediately asked me what was wrong. I told him nothing. Just remembering and picturing God's love. Just worshipping Him. So he left me to continue.
Can you guess at which part I cried? It was a reminder to me that yes He was there going through all this pain with me.
It is a very mellow and relaxing song.
MORE THEN A FRIEND
-Jeremy Riddle
In the quiet of my soul
In the stillness I hear Your voice call
And I am overwhelmed
And I am lost for words
To describe You
(Chorus)
Jesus, You're more than a friend
Jesus, You're more than my heart could
ever express
Your love and Your grace never fail me
Your merciful touch always heals me
You bring joy to my soul
Joy to my soul
My heart longs to worship You, my King
And I long to bring You a pleasing offering
And I am overwhelmed
And I am lost for words
To describe You
(repeat chorus 2x)
Your love and Your grace
Your merciful touch
Brings joy to my soul
Joy to my soul
A week I never want to go through again - Part 1
Some of you may already know what I am about to write about. Some of you may not. Some of you may want to read this and some just don't want to be bothered. That is ok though. I am not only doing this to let you know what happened in my life this past week but so that I also have a record of it for myself. Although I highly doubt that it is something I will ever forget.
The following may be too graphic for some - reader discretion advised.... (hehehe)
Let me place the scenes.
First thing Wednesday morning. Phil and I just woke up. I was feeling nauseous. Nothing new though. This time I barely made it to the bathroom. I threw up whatever was in my stomach and as you can imagine there isn't anything there first thing in the morning. Yet I still wretched. That put up a little red flag in my world. I know some of you may be thinking, well it's about time. Welcome to being pregnant. But this just didn't feel "right" so to speak.
I went back to bed. Woke up later and went to work for noon. Still felt sick and barely made it to the toilet there. There went breakfast. And there is just something wrong about throwing up into a public toilet. I kept wondering how clean it was. Whatever I went about my day. Tried to keep up at work. Around 1 o'clock or so my back and under my ribs on my right side started to ache. Thought it was from getting sick. I couldn't hold anything down. NOTHING!! Not even water.
Out of concern for the baby I phoned my OBGYN and asked her when I need to start being concerned. She phoned me back and said that if I continue the day without keeping anything, even water down then I need to head to the hospital. By 4 o'clock my back was in so much pain. I could barely move. Up under the ribs. I asked if I could go home. They asked if I think I could push through until my shift ended at 8. I said there was no way. So they told me to do my last delivery then I could go home.
Sounds simple enough right? A delivery that should take only 30 minutes. But in case you didn't know that was the day most of Abbotsford was shut down due to a tanker spilling 50, 000 liters of gas. So had to do the back roads. I knew these tricks by now. Well, I guess everyone else knew them to. What normally would have taken a half an hour took me TWO HOURS!! Two hours in tears holding a zip-loc bag to my face so it will catch everything. Crying out to God. Praying that I will get to the shop soon. Two hours of pure hell.
I am on the phone with Phil and he wants me to go straight to the hospital. After all we have a baby to worry about. I thought it ws nothing and I could just go home. I am glad he convinced me though.
Turned the corner onto Clearbrook. Just about back at the shop.... Once I got in the clear it was petal down. I know, bad delivery driver. I got to the shop in tears. Just streaming down my face. I asked for someone to help me unload the truck cause I needed to get to the hospital. The shippers face dropped and she said, go, we will do it. Can you drive. I told her that I had no choice but to drive.
So to the hospital I went. Started checking in while trying not to throw up. Asked me all the basics and then I threw in, "I am twelve weeks pregnant." Wow did that change everything! They just whisked me through. Barley able to move they kept their arm on me. Walked me to the next station then gave my little urine sample. Then walked me to a bed. Now checked into the hospital and lying down. Scared as anything. What about the baby? I am in tears remembering this. I was in safe hands now. My priority was the baby. What about the baby. Can barely move my head cause I am so dehydrated.
So the "fun" began. The search for a vein that wasn't shriveled up.
Well that is enough for now. It has taken a lot out of me believe it or not to sit here and write this. I did just get home yesterday. I will continue later. And it only gets more interesting, so to speak. Scarey for me.
The following may be too graphic for some - reader discretion advised.... (hehehe)
Let me place the scenes.
First thing Wednesday morning. Phil and I just woke up. I was feeling nauseous. Nothing new though. This time I barely made it to the bathroom. I threw up whatever was in my stomach and as you can imagine there isn't anything there first thing in the morning. Yet I still wretched. That put up a little red flag in my world. I know some of you may be thinking, well it's about time. Welcome to being pregnant. But this just didn't feel "right" so to speak.
I went back to bed. Woke up later and went to work for noon. Still felt sick and barely made it to the toilet there. There went breakfast. And there is just something wrong about throwing up into a public toilet. I kept wondering how clean it was. Whatever I went about my day. Tried to keep up at work. Around 1 o'clock or so my back and under my ribs on my right side started to ache. Thought it was from getting sick. I couldn't hold anything down. NOTHING!! Not even water.
Out of concern for the baby I phoned my OBGYN and asked her when I need to start being concerned. She phoned me back and said that if I continue the day without keeping anything, even water down then I need to head to the hospital. By 4 o'clock my back was in so much pain. I could barely move. Up under the ribs. I asked if I could go home. They asked if I think I could push through until my shift ended at 8. I said there was no way. So they told me to do my last delivery then I could go home.
Sounds simple enough right? A delivery that should take only 30 minutes. But in case you didn't know that was the day most of Abbotsford was shut down due to a tanker spilling 50, 000 liters of gas. So had to do the back roads. I knew these tricks by now. Well, I guess everyone else knew them to. What normally would have taken a half an hour took me TWO HOURS!! Two hours in tears holding a zip-loc bag to my face so it will catch everything. Crying out to God. Praying that I will get to the shop soon. Two hours of pure hell.
I am on the phone with Phil and he wants me to go straight to the hospital. After all we have a baby to worry about. I thought it ws nothing and I could just go home. I am glad he convinced me though.
Turned the corner onto Clearbrook. Just about back at the shop.... Once I got in the clear it was petal down. I know, bad delivery driver. I got to the shop in tears. Just streaming down my face. I asked for someone to help me unload the truck cause I needed to get to the hospital. The shippers face dropped and she said, go, we will do it. Can you drive. I told her that I had no choice but to drive.
So to the hospital I went. Started checking in while trying not to throw up. Asked me all the basics and then I threw in, "I am twelve weeks pregnant." Wow did that change everything! They just whisked me through. Barley able to move they kept their arm on me. Walked me to the next station then gave my little urine sample. Then walked me to a bed. Now checked into the hospital and lying down. Scared as anything. What about the baby? I am in tears remembering this. I was in safe hands now. My priority was the baby. What about the baby. Can barely move my head cause I am so dehydrated.
So the "fun" began. The search for a vein that wasn't shriveled up.
Well that is enough for now. It has taken a lot out of me believe it or not to sit here and write this. I did just get home yesterday. I will continue later. And it only gets more interesting, so to speak. Scarey for me.
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