Fake it 'til you make it

If you are like me most of you have heard this saying almost all your life in some way or another. Either on TV, movies, parents or the such. I grew up hearing that statement.
I remember if I was sick or had a headache I was asked if I was sure. Are you faking it? No. I wasn't. To this day you will catch me saying "I'm not faking it." In fact I remember in the hospital I would say that to a few people. "I am not faking it. You believe me right?" I would ask in between the tears cause I was in so much pain. Those that loved me so deeply and unconditionally never doubted it. I would make sure that they believed me while fighting to ask for more pain killers. Fighting the pride. There was no way I was faking that.
However, there have been many times and instances where I would try my hardest to fake it. I thought I was doing good. Saying I am fine when I am hurting inside. Saying that it was all good when it wasn't. Saying ah don't worry about it when all I wanted to do was say something. To be held. Fighting the tears and hiding it when they wanted to fall. Faking the smiles. Faking the laughter. Only to find out that those who are close to me and know me well knew all along. They knew that I would keep fighting it but when the time was right I would let them in. When I could no longer fake it. Cause I just couldn't make it.
Thinking I could do it all on my own. Finding out that was a lie. Fighting hard only to discover that God knows that I am faking it. Then for myself to realize that without God I won't make it. Without myself letting Him in I wouldn't be able to go on. I could no longer do it on my own. I never could.
It has been recently when I have started to realize that He knows I am faking it but He knows the truth. He sends me things to think about it. Just as I thought I had succeeded at winning the battle. The battle that I thought was over. Only to realize that it is just the beginning. That I may be in the middle of my wilderness journey and that I need the help that God provides. That I can't do it anymore and I am tired. Tired of faking it. Sometimes I think that is what He was waiting for me to say. Waiting for me to admit the truth that He already knew.
I know that I can't make it without Him. I can't make it on my own. I can't even fake it as well as I thought I used to do. He created me the way I am. I need to be that woman of God. No matter how wrong it may feel due to the upbringing and societal ways that I have grown accustomed to thinking and believing.
As I journey through the wilderness that He guides me through I believe He is there. He knows my heart. I get mad. I yell. I cry. I shut right up. But He knows and He understands. He won't leave me. He keeps me going through that door. The doors that open because He feels I am ready. He brings me through them cause even though I feel like I have faked it well enough for it to be done and over with that it still needs to be completed.
I can't fake it. He knows me too well. The more I try to fake it the more I realize that I really am not going to make it. That I need Him to lean on to. That I don't need to fake it. I just need to learn to be the person He created me to be.