I suck at this

I feel like I am not a good parent. Like I can't handle this. I used to have more control over Cooper and now HE is controlling me. AT TWO AND A HALF!

I think I checked out a long time ago and I think he has taken advantage of that. Sure today he is sick but he is pushing every button and stretching things as far as they can go. It is like I don't know how to discipline him anymore. I have stopped being consistent. I have to get that back.

I feel like I have failed as a parent and like I shouldn't be doing this. That Phil will be more suited to it. Right now Cooper is pitching a fit because he wants me to "come back". I told him if he didn't lay down I would leave. Prayers were done, books were read and kisses were given. Hugs were administered and so was a song. He insisted on pushing me and saying he wanted another book. I said no.

So right now he is calling for me, screaming is more like it and I am trying to just let it go. It is hard as my every being wants to go and scoop him up and cuddle him. I will go in there and put him back in bed and tell him he needs to stay in bed but I just feel like I don't even know what I am doing anymore.

He used to be so well behaved. That went out the window. I am sure you ask anyone and they will tell you how he is. He is a very high spirited, controlling child. Apparently just like I was as a child.

Maybe I am not cut out for this parenting thing. Maybe I should only have one. I need to check back in and figure out consistency. It has been a long day and I feel like I just can't take anymore.

and I just got a call from the local Liberal party in my area. Grr....stupid telemarketers.

Maybe I need to check into a mental institute and not come out. LOL. I hear the jackets are nice. hahaha.....

crazy, crazy, going crazy, 1...2....3....4...going crazy.....switch....

LOL. kidding.


BIG SIGH

simple things.....

amuse me.

I made my first batch of muffins. Right from scratch. I have NEVER done that before. Last night I made a loaf of white bread in the bread machine, never done that either. This morning I have a loaf of cinnamon raisin in the bread machine, I bet Cooper will love it!

I also have apples on the stove and am making my own apple sauce (have always done that.) I have loads of laundry going. The kids are playing nicely.

I am looking forward to making whole wheat bread but still need some more ingredients!

I am having fun. What a dork hey!

I'm working at it......

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight. Do not be wise in your own eyes; fear the LORD and shun evil" (Proverbs 3:5-7).

This hit me.....

"When all you can see is your pain, perhaps then you lose sight of me."

pg. 96 - The Shack
God speaking to Mack

"Mack, pain has a way of clipping our wings and keeping us from being able to fly." .... "And if left unresolved for very long, you can almost forget that you were ever created to fly in the first place."

pg. 97
God speaking to Mack again

Safety

Tired of reaching out
you give in and lose all
you had ever known.
Arms by your side you
have given in to defeat.
The loneliness and darkness
surround you until you
can't breathe anymore.
you lose who you were somewhere
within the struggle.
Given up with all hope lost;
OR SO YOU THOUGHT.
Just as you had given in, admitted
that you are alone, defeated,
badly bruised and bleeding
Safety reaches out to you.
Pulls you in under it's wing as
you lean your head against its
warmth, giving in to the tears,
the anger, the hurt and vulnerability.
Safety pulls you close and doesn't
let you go as you break down.
Feeling weaker with each tear, with
each sob you surrender.
Surrender to the safety that reached
back to you just as you
knew you couldn't go on.
Safety knew, knew the Love you needed,
knew the Touch, knew the Surrender
that was only available through
His love.
You are worthy, you are safe, you
are vulnerable but shielded.
His arms reached out as you lay
there broken and torn in the
darkness you became familiar with.
Then came the Safety and light as
you battle to stay strong you
believe that He won't leave you.
You have to believe that
YOU ARE SAFE.

A pillar......me !!???

a friend told me this past week that I am a pillar at church.

I said, what do you mean?

She proceeded to tell me that both Phil and I are always there. Every Sunday (not EVERY Sunday) and we are always making ourselves useful. We show up to events and such as well too.

It is funny because I never thought that someone would think that made us a pillar. However, she said it did. Made me think about it. Made me realize that we are indeed a main part of church.

I have another friend asking me to try their church on a Sunday and I keep telling her that I really can't. I have made obligations to my church as has Phil. I am proud to be a part of New Heights. I am proud to serve. I am proud of our family and community.

Never thought of myself as a pillar. Wonder if that is how God feels? It was neat to hear though.

"In My Arms"

Is the name of a song by a lady who goes by Plumb.

It is mainly about her protecting her child, from what I can gather but there is the chorus that stood out to me.

"clouds will rage and
storms will race in
but you will be safe
in my arms
rains will pour down
waves will crash around
but you will be safe
in my arms "


Makes me kind of think about God. Maybe He is trying to say the same thing to me, to you. Funny because I thought that I didn't hear God lately so why is it that songs are making me think it is Him. Maybe He really is here.....I just need to believe it more.

Verses

For being a verse that I think I can honestly say I hate, it sure keeps coming into my head. You think God is trying to say something? Maybe I am hearing Him a bit this morning.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

Did you guess the verse. Yep, my dreaded Jer. 29:11. I think it is the only verse in the bible that I know where it is and what number it is. I cringe when I read it. I cringe when I hear it or someone says it to me.

This past weekend on Saturday the verse was said FOUR times. FOUR FLIPPING TIMES! Each time it was harder to hear. Each time I rolled my eyes. I cried. Talk about not being receptive!

This morning I thought about it. ME. Not given to me, not read, not said. Well I guess God gave it to me. Guess there is hope for me after all.....

Praise You in This Storm

I was sure by now
God, You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say "Amen", and it's still raining

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with You"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

CHORUS
I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
Every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry
You raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can't find You

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with You"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

CHORUS

I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth
(repeat)

CHORUS
Though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

-Casting Crowns


I heard this song just now. I cried. I belt it out loud and strong but then crumbled to my knees. Sigh.....I WANT TO FEEL HIM AGAIN!!!! I want to praise Him. Help....

Back from Bowen Island

I think I am still processing it all.

All weekend I wanted to go home. The spiritual battle that I personally think I felt was strong. I knew where each exit was. I was trying to figure out how to take off. The reason I stayed was I had to. I had three people with me, I couldn't abandon them. So I was fighting to stay. I wanted to go home. I wanted to run away.
Then on Sunday I wanted to stay.

I had a group of wonderful ladies pray over me. Things came up that I didn't think were really issues. But they obviously were. Shared about my miscarriage bu something else came up as well. Which I am not yet ready to go into.
I felt stupid for sharing. I felt like I shouldn't be thinking about it. I let what people told me rule. Someone told me I was dwelling so I didn't talk about it. I felt stupid the whole time. But I was held by wonderful women and made to feel safe. I cried like a freaking baby. I was too weak to walk to my room.

Man there are a lot of things to process. I am afraid of loosing any kind of connection that I almost made this weekend.I WANT God back in my life. I WANT to feel Him and hear Him and see Him.

Guess now I am reaching out to people. Or at least trying to. Lots of things bombarded me. But it will be ok.

It was a wonderful weekend with beautiful women. Caring women. God. I can't wait to go back in all honesty. It was great! Don't be surprised if this gets deleted soon. lol

Straight from Thailand

No not the kid :P

But Aunty Sue brought this back for Cooper. There is a tiny bit of pink and if you know me you should know that I am not a pink fan on a boy. But this outfit was REALLY cute. It is apparently a typical Thai school outfit.

He is looking at the TV. Had to get a picture some how. LOL

Happy Anniversary to my Love

Happy Anniversary Phil. You have made me a very happy wife and woman. Thank you for all you do for us. I love you.

THANK YOU NICOLE!!!

A friend of ours, Nicole, came over tonight to watch Cooper so Phil and I could go out for an anniversary dinner.

So Phil and I went out to The Keg. STEAK AND LOBSTER for me!! Phil had steak and crab. We hadn't been to the Keg for a long time. We went once since he proposed 7 years ago. Yes he proposed at the Abbotsford Keg. A night I will never forget. Neither should Michelle and Rod. :P LOL.

Then Phil and I didn't want to wait for a movie. It was too late of a start time and we didn't want to be out TOO late or be gone too long for Nicole. So we went BOWLING! It has been like five years since we had gone.

SO FUN!!

The lights went out, the lasers and music came on as well as the black light. We played two games. It was so fun! We are both sore. LOL.

A very expensive night but we so needed it. It was wonderful.

On Monday we will be celebrating 7 years. Time flies.

Day and night difference!

these pills I am on sure are giving me relief.

The difference is like the title said. Day and Night. I am still sore in my back a bit but I can move, I have more energy AND I can eat just fine! Gonna gain all that weight back. LOL.

Hoping to lie around and do nothing much. Maybe see if I can accomplish vaccuming. Maybe make some cards or do a scrap book page. Or just lay on the couch and watch a movie. LOL.

Downfall, I can't seem to be able to sleep and am dizzy. Can't win it all.

Feeling blah

I am feeling pretty odd.

I don't know what it is.

Today I just feel like I am numb and can't go on. I don't have the strength to take care of one child let alone TWO. While his parents are home sleeping and resting. Yes I am bitter right now.

I feel ungrateful. Phil has taken good care of Cooper. He was basically a single Dad when I was in the hospital. But I feel like I haven't had a day to just lay around and relax. I feel like I am high strung right now. I have been in pain for over a week. I haven't worked out. I have been nauseated for a week and a half. Looks like it may be a UTI but it also may be in my kidneys. On another round of antibiotics. That makes me feel even worse.

I just feel like I can't go on with this. NO I am not depressed, may be feeling a little down and bummed. No I am not going to hurt myself or the kids. I even want Phil to stay home. How selfish is that.

Just one of those days I think.

I need a break. I am selfish. I am drained.

so frustrated

this last week has been such a roller coaster.

Last Sunday the nausea started. Then Tuesday the pain started down by my appendix. Went into the ER because it was so painful. Admitted then discharged the next day because the u/s showed fluid but the appendix was fine. Was told if it got worse then to come back.

Saturday. Took Cooper to the aquarium. It was hard to walk around but I did it for Cooper. It was nice though. Went for lunch then pain started under the bottom of my ribs on the right. Along with the lower right side pain. Started throwing up. Went BACK to the ER. Hooked up to an IV again. Pumped with pain killers and anti-nausea meds. I think I reacted to one but they flushed my system and didn't give it again.

Another ultrasound along with two blood tests, more urine and a CT scan. Sent home because the appendix and gallbladder looked fine but there was an infection of "some sort" so I was put on Sulfa tablets. Came home Sunday.

Fast forward to today. The pain is still there but small in the appendix area. The pain in my gallbladder area is there as well as pain in my kidneys.
I REALLY don't want to go back to the ER. I am so frustrated. I am starting to vomit again. I am shaking, dizzy etc. Can't eat either. I just am not sure what to do now. Trying really hard to ride it out.

I am SOOO freaking frustrated, confused and upset. Don't have strength to cry! Short with Cooper, who is sick with a cold. COME ON! This has to end!

sigh

Pool day today

Did a total of 40 lengths. So if one lap is there and back I did 20. Then I also did 3 sets of 20 reps each of sit ups, heel touch (sit ups but touching the side of your heel as you come up) and reverse crunches. Then I also did 3 sets of 20 reps each of three different arm exercises.

For some reason this is the point where I feel like it is doing nothing. NOW I am finding it hard to keep going. LOL. Loosing some steam but am still determined. Just feeling defeated. Of course there is no difference yet.

I need to continue to push myself and be pushed. Sigh...

Day 7

that was quite possibly the HARDEST workout yet.

I just did a little over a hour of strength training. I was by myself but this time I had an MP3 player full of music. I did 3 sets of EVERY one of my exercises. If it said 2-3 sets of 12-15 reps I did three sets of 15.

I had to do push ups, stairs (4.5 flights), leg lift, heal press, heal lift, medicine ball squats, ball squats (back against a ball against a wall), step up, tricept and bicept curls and I am sure I am missing some.

I was close to tears during my last set of leg presses and lifts. I was so sore and tired. I pushed and pushed through. Then I still had to do two more flights of steps. And then had to do the arm exercises knowing it was my last of the night I pushed through.

Now off to shower, then a hot tub then bed!

First time dealing with someone picking on my son

and I don't think I handled it right. I wasn't sure what to do.

In the summer our church has church in the park. So Cooper plays at this tree. It is low enough the kids climb the bottom bit. Anyway, Uncle Den had given Cooper a leaf. He was playing happily with it while sitting in the tree. Then I look back over and a little girl has a leaf and is tearing it apart. Cooper comes running up to me and says "Mom! Girl leaf! MY leaf" I said, well mommy can't do anything about it you go ask for it back.
So off trots Cooper. He goes up to the girl and I hear clear as day, "leaf back PLEASE." the little girl puts it behind her back. Then Cooper says "MY leaf, back PLEASE" (yes this was all over a leaf but these are kids). She holds it high above her head. The lady sitting next to me looked as shocked as I felt. So I went over to the tree and said, He asked for it back nicely hun. Then reached up and grabbed another leaf for him.

I go back to my seat and the lady smiles at me. Then I am listening to the service but watching the kids like a hawk. Cooper is sitting on the tree and all of a sudden the girl GRABS at the leaf, ripping it in half. I sat there, trying not to go to his defense and letting him deal with it. I hear Cooper yell "NO! MY LEAF" So she grabs at it again and breaks more off, again Cooper yells no. Then she grabs at it again this time Cooper pushed the little girl. She fell backwards down the tree, about two feet. As I saw him push her I was already up running towards her.

The mom comes over and says to Cooper "That was very mean!" I said, "He told her no and she was pushing at him for his leaf"

She says, "No she wasn't. They were playing nicely."

I said whatever. Made Cooper appologize to both the mom and the little girl. He looks at the mom and says "I forry" then the mom says, "well you got your satisfaction" HUH!

I went to put him in time out but he pitched a fit. I think it was because he didn't think he did anything wrong. In MY mind he really didn't but I think I did it more because the mom was watching me. So we went to leave because he wasn't calming down. I went up to the mom and asked if the little girl was ok. She says "she's fine. Tired. Have a better rest of the day" HUH!!!

so we left. I drove a bit up to my mom's because I was really upset. I felt like Cooper was standing his ground and I shouldn't have given him trouble for it. I needed to talk to someone. My mom wasn't home.

I drove back to church, avoided that mother and child and asked the lady next to me what she saw. She said that the little girl was TOTALLY picking on Cooper. I started to tear up, still not sure why, and I said what was I supposed to do! She said that Cooper really didn't do anything wrong. That as mother's we are all defensive of our own child.

I feel like I failed Cooper. I should have stood up to that mom. I should have stood my ground. What kind of a mom am I gonna be when he gets into situations like that. At the car I told him, "Cooper I know you were defending yourself."

He looks at me and says, "mommy, girl leaf"

I said, "she took your leaf and wouldn't give it back."

he said "yes"

I told him that he did a good job of fending for himself and telling her no but to next time use words then come tell mommy if she isn't listening. But I really don't want him to have his mommy stick up for him. What should I have done. I told him I was proud of him for using the words I did hear but next time to not push.

"otay mom"

what would you do? I feel like I failed him, I let him down and I didn't handle it properly.

advice? pointers? tips? I don't believe he was really bad. Was he? He was sticking up for himself.

WARNING VENT

I am trying REALLY HARD to be grateful of where we live. I thank God for the roof over our head and to have a home. I am trying not to complain anymore but this is getting harder and harder. I feel ungrateful but I really am appreciative.

(side note....the tv is buzzing. The "new to us" tv. Oh well, buyer beware!)

So what did I wake up to this morning? My wonderful son coming into the room saying "Mommy! Morning!" That is totally fine it is the other thing that woke me more.

CIGARETTE SMOKE

I am not knocking smokers as people but this is rediculous. The other night we had to shut our windows because the smell of POT was so strong. EVERY morning we get woken up by the neighbour smoking. We shouldn't have to shut our windows and be uncomfortable because they smoke. I am not sure if they "should" do anything either. However, it is getting REALLY annoying. Everyone around us is a smoker. For some reason God isn't getting us out of here either.

Then there is the lady who lives across the way who at EVERY NIGHT between 11 and 11:30 goes onto her porch and works away at making lots of lovely noises. The other night we were both woken by her banging on the railing because she was cleaning an area rug by hand. At 11:30 at night. COME ON NOW!

yeah I am being a crank but there is only so much I can take. sigh.....

day 6 down

I decided I am going to keep writing about it for now because it encourages me.

I am proud of myself to be honest. I was "weak" and had McDonald's for dinner. I was craving it BAD. I only had about 20ish fries though. Had a crispy chicken sandwich but took the mayo off and kept the lettuce and tomato.

Phil asked if I wanted to go to the gym. He knew I was feeling guilty and that I love working out. (remind me of that when I start to complain) So I went. I am glad I did. Here is what I did:

20 minutes on the tread mill. 5 warm up, 15 running
20 minutes on the elliptical.
15 on the stair master (I am trying to move up on that one)

then 3 sets of 20 reps of three different kinds of ab exercises. Crunch, side to side and reverse crunch.

Phil cut me up a peach and I had some water cause after working out I am starving. I have to find something better to have after working out. Off to bed.....I am hoping to sleep well!

Day 5 is done!

I worked in the pool today.

Did 30 laps. 10 butterfly, 10 back stroke and 10 forward kick. Then I did three different arm excersizes in the water. Forward, side to hip (out then in) then back. Did 3 sets of 20.

I am pretty dang sore but feeling confident.

I am now getting to the point where I feel like I am not hungry at all. Like I don't want to eat. I know I have to but dang! LOL!! So my trainer said 10lbs in a month is realistic. I am worried I won't lose those 10lbs but I am trying. Two days off then back to the gym on Friday. Then two days off and then two days hard core. She said that it sounds like a fine plan and will be good to have the resting days. I didn't want to be gone too often from home. LOL. Maybe I will go for a run tomorrow.

My Family

Cooper


Daddy and son moment. My boys


Family picture taken on Sunday. My before I lost all the weight picture. lol

and then there was day 4......

as most of you may know I joined the gym last Tuesday. I have a trainer and everything. Well today was day 4......

WHEW!! I am DEAD! Phil is pouring me a nice HOT bath.

I have always wanted a trainer and I am so glad I have one but Daaaaaaaannnnnnnggggggggggggggg........

She had me do 4.5 flights of stairs. One set of single steps up and one double. Then cross overs with the medicine ball, squats with the big ball, sit ups, step ups, did I say stairs? Bicept curl and tricept press, stairs, and press ups.
There is more but I am SO SORE I can't think.

but I will be honest...DANG I FEEL GOOD! Although I can't move. I come in the door and Phil cuts me up a fresh peach. Runs my bath. I am gonna take two IBproufen and the hot bath then go to bed.

Tomorrow is working out in the pool. Then I am going to take two days off then do cardio on Friday. There will be walking with the kids too. My workout today was 2 hours.

We measured me too because that will be a good thing to go by, better then pounds she said.

This will work! She said I did really good. Kept telling me good job. Said that for how long I was out of working out I was doing really well. I pushed myself as much as I could. I do NOT regret this yet.

I cried quite a bit today.

Church was a very emotional experience for me today. I am not sure why I get so emotional over babies and other things. Too much information following: But it is like every time I get my period it is another slap in the face. I can't tell you how far I should be along. I know I should be into my second trimester though.

I have moments when I feel God or I hear Him but it is pretty much a constant struggle. Today there was a brand new baby at church. She was 8 days old. I talked to the mom about her and then I said, do you think I could hold her. She said sure. I don't know why I WANTED to hold her but I did.

I held that precious little girl and just felt her warm body in my arms and the tears started to fall. I couldn't stop them. The little fingers. The tiny button nose, chubby little cheeks and tiny lips. I just held her tight and brushed her hair with my fingers. She was so sweet and peaceful. It was a hard moment but there is a part of me that wonders if it will be a part of the healing.

Yes to some of you I may be dwelling but I don't think I am. I only allow some times to do it. Please refrain from telling me I am dwelling cause it would be a very hurtful comment. Thank you.

Here is one of the songs from today. Two more will follow soon.

I'll Stand By You

Oh, why you look so sad?
Tears are in your eyes
Come on and come to me now
Don't be ashamed to cry
Let me see you through
cause I've seen the dark side too
When the night falls on you
You don't know what to do
Nothing you confess
Could make me love you less

I'll stand by you
I'll stand by you
Won't let nobody hurt you
I'll stand by you

So if you're mad, get mad
Don't hold it all inside
Come on and talk to me now
Hey, what you got to hide?
I get angry too
Well I'm a lot like you
When your standing at the crossroads
And don't know which path to choose
Let me come along
cause even if you're wrong

I'll stand by you
I'll stand by you
Won't let nobody hurt you
I'll stand by you
Take me in, into your darkest hour
And I'll never desert you
I'll stand by you

And when....
When the night falls on you, baby
You're feeling all alone
You won't be on your own.

I am scared.....is this me too??

I belive in my heart but I am scared I don't feel Him. I worry that people think I am only pretending....I swear I am not....THAT is my secret....

Post Secret

More from The Shack -pg.91

"You must know," he offered, "calling you Papa is a bit of a stretch for me."

"Oh really?" She looked at him in mock surprise. "Of course I know. I always know." She chuckled. "but tell me, why do you think it's hard for you? Is it because it's too familiar for you, or maybe because I am showing myself as a woman, a mother, or...."

"No small issue there," Mack interrupted with an awkward chuckle.

"Or, maybe it's because of the failures of your own papa?"


The main character's wife calls God Papa cause it makes her feel the close intimate bond with Him. I find it hard to call Him Dad, Papa, Father anything. Mine have all let me down. Who says God won't....
Also God appears to this man as a tall black woman.


another one: Page 185

"Mack, just because I work incredible good out of unspeakable tragedies doesn't mean I orchestrate the tragedies. Don't ever assume that my using something mean I caused it or that I need it to accomplish my purposes. That will only lead you to false notions about me. Grace doesn't depend on suffering to exist, but where there is suffering you will find grave in many facets and colors."

Happy Birthday Payton!!

my my little miss! You sure have grown!! We miss you.... LOVE YOU and Happy Birthday!!
*disclaimer* The first two were not taken by me.....

The Shack by William P. Young

I have just started to read this book. I was always afraid of it cause I have heard that it can pull you deep and bring out emotions. I didn't want to read it but then when it was suggested to me ONCE AGAIN I decided to pick it up.
I am going to share something from page 114. It rings VERY true for me. Like the author is reading my mind. There will be another entry later on as I am sure there will be many other entries. I found something further on in the book as well but this one is one I want to share right now. At this moment.

"Jesus?" he whispered as his voice choked. "I feel so lost"

A hand reached out and squeezed his, and didn't let go. "I know, Mack. But it's not true. I am with you and I'm not lost. I'm sorry it feels that way, but hear me clearly. You are not lost."

I hope you're right," Mach said, his tension lessened by the words of his newfound friend. "


That really hit home for me. It is like I could have written those words that Mack said. I hope that what "Jesus" said there is right too. To actually NOT be alone and not feel so lost would be nice. To picture that God may be saying to me, "I am sorry it feels that way..." makes me feel that maybe He really does hear me. That maybe I don't know how to turn on my listening ears to Him.
The book is hard for me to read. I take it chapter by chapter, resting in between to "think". But a change needs to happen. I NEED to feel God. I NEED to feel loved, accepted and safe. I NEED it. I NEED GOD.....

this really resonated with me at Church on Sunday. I had a panic attack even and didn't know HOW to work through it. I have been holding the emotions and feelings back. But that is another post. LOL.

Draw Me Close to You

Draw me close to you
Never let me go
I lay it all down again
To hear you say that I'm your friend
You are my desire No one else will do
Cause nothing else can take your place
To feel the Warmth of your embrace
Help me find the way
Bring me back to you

You're all I want
You're all I've ever needed
You're all I want
Help me know you are near

to look at me from the outside...

would you believe I was a Christian? That I do love God. That I believe Jesus is my savior and that God is good? I wouldn't believe me.

I know in my heart of hearts that I love God. Yet I ONCE AGAIN feel detached and alone. Like I can't talk to Him. Like he doesn't want to hear me. Like He would turn me away on that day of judgment. That hurts. That scares me.

Yet I don't know where to turn. I spin around and around in circles and am not sure what to say or do. Do I want to talk? No not really. Do I need to talk? Probably. Do I know what I need to say? Nope. Can't put ANYTHING into words.

How do I know He is listening? How do I know He loves me? How do I know He won't give up on me or knock me when I am down?

Tonight a friend asked for prayer. For some reason it made me tear up. I can't do that. I can't ask for prayer. I don't think God wants to hear from me. I don't know how to fabricate my words.

yeah if this is the devil he sure is giving me a run for my money. And I don't know what to do or where to turn.

I AM SO PISSED OFF!!!

there is a busy body nosey cow in our building that can't keep her nose on her own face. She is in our business about Phil's mustang that is just sitting in the parkade. The STUPID mustang is not selling. We even knocked it down to $2400. It just isn't the market.
So it is sitting in the parkade without insurance on it, but is covered under our HOUSE insurance but that doesn't matter. I have to go out and spend more money on this CAR that is not even being used by us. We need to sell it. We can't afford it. I just want to take it to the wrecker and get rid of it.
but there is no point to get rid of a perfectly fine car. grrr....
I HATE where we live. I hate busy bodies. I can't stand people getting involved in our business. The smokers, the pot, the noise, the phone calls are all really getting to me. I just want to up and move away from ALL OF THIS!!

Where I live is starting to drive my insane.

I am just a big old ray of sunshine aren't I?
But our condo is starting to drive me NUTS.
I am very thankful for it and to have an inexpensive place to live but at the same time things are driving me INSANE!!

- we are running out of room
- I have smokers beside me, behind me, and kiddy corner above me.
- a neighbour across the way doesn't speak english. I think it is German and she YELLS in German. Then every night her porch light goes on at 11pm and she is still yelling at who ever is in the house.
- the room, did I say that??
- being on the third floor.
- no where for the kids to play besides a small porch.
- can hear the neighbours above me
- can't draw chalk on the sidewalk cause I get in trouble by busy body on strata.
- said busy body always has something to complain about with us

ok...I vented. We need to sell this car so we can save money. I need out!!

The scariest thing just happened to me today.

I took Cooper and my daycare boy down to the park. I let them walk, it is at the end of our street. Something told me to bring the stroller though.
So I get closer to the park and I see this guy pacing the little walk way into the park. I thought it was odd and held the kids hands a little tighter. We walked through the ally type thing that leads to the park. The guy was leaning on the corner of the fence. He said HEY. I ignored him as my DB (daycare boy) said PARK!! So I said "Yes ____, that's the park."
So we walked into the park and I kept my third eye on this guy. Who then sat down and watched us. I pushed the stroller all the way into the park. I look over my shoulder and I don't see him there anymore. So I was hesitantly taking out my camera. I NEVER take my camera when it is just me with the kids. I start taking some pictures then see him out of the corner of my eye again. This time a bit closer. Then he walks onto the grass and we are on the gravel. He is a ways away still. He yells, "is that a digital video camera?" I just said yes. He said how many minutes does it hold. I looked at him and said it was a camera while pushing it behind me.
Then I turn to the kids, who are like 4 feet behind me and bend down to their level. I tell them that we have to go. Cooper pitches a fit. Who wouldn't? We had just gotten there. I looked at him and asked him to look in my eyes. He did and I said, "Cooper that man is scaring mommy. We need to get in the stroller and go." so Cooper says ok. We get Cooper and my DB in the stroller. I lock them down. I ask Cooper to hang onto the camera. The guy is watching every move we make. So I start to leave the park. Racking my brain thinking what I could do. There is a bit of panic rising and I realize that I need to get to a house and HOPE that they will let me use their phone.
I look over my shoulder and he is following us out of the park. So I turn to the house that is right on the edge of the park. Knock on the door and hope that they speak English and will help me out.
A teenaged boy answers. I told him that there is a guy behind me following me and if I could please use his phone to call the cops. He said sure. Grabbed the phone, then I said, is there anyway I can go in the backyard or something so it looks like I know you. The boy was very nice and said sure.
So we go into the backyard and I called the cops. They ended up coming and looking for the guy, who had in turn already walked back to the park to watch us in this yard. The cop took all my information. I appologized and said sorry for taking up his time. He said, "No you did the right thing." I said I was scared to walk home. He said it was ok that he would watch me head home. So he headed towards my house while I ran home. No jogging just flat out run. Then he got to our street and turned around to leave. I waved thanks and he waved back.
I was most concerned about the boys. Then a friend said, what if he did something to you in front of the boys. That made me realize that it could have happened. Then the kids would be traumatized. My main concern was the boys. I didn't care what would happen to me. Didn't even think about it. My concern was their safety.
I told the cop I didn't know if he was just a shady character or if he was strung out. The cop kind of chuckled and said, "it's abbotsford. He is probably strung out." LOL.
I cried when I got home. The adrenaline wearing off. I was really scared. I will NEVER be going back to that park again.

Why is it...

that people who DON'T want to be pregnant or are NOT trying to get pregnant all of a sudden get a "OH! Look at this, I am pregnant!"
It's not fair! I see it and hear it all the time. Especially those poor kids that are abused or killed due to their "parents". When there are people that have been trying to get pregnant for years, or lose their baby, or can't get pregnant at all. Ones that would LOVE to have a baby. Yet other parents that just throw kids away.
I really don't get this world we live in!

test of will!!

I forgot to post this last Friday.



mommy one Cooper nothing!! LOL!!

Tonight's dinner took about 45 minutes. He refused to eat. I refused to make something different just for him. He wanted to play. So the battle began. I totally kept my cool the whole time. I told him that if he didn't eat he would be going to the corner. He refused. So to the corner he went. He stayed there until he was ready to eat. He spent like 5 - 10 minutes in the corner. I asked him if he was ready to eat and he said "no, play" so I said "ok then you stay in that corner until you are ready to eat. Then walked away as he yelled "EAT!!" So we started another round. Him sitting there pouting. Refusing to eat and playing. So a long time went by and I said, "Ok Cooper come with me. Time to go sit in the corner again until you are ready to eat" He was MAD. But we went. Then repeated above. He finally ate!!! Half of his little serving of dinner. But I was satisfied.

I know some may disagree with it but I am very proud of myself, I stuck to my guns and my rules. It was a test of will. Which person was gonna cave. I usually get angry and frustrated at things and I remained calm the WHOLE TIME!! But I tell you it was exhausting!!! whew......



ETA: when he ate the rice and stuff I kissed him on the top of the head and asked him to look at my eyes. I looked at him and said "mommy is really proud of you. Thank you. You are a good boy." Then he looks at me and says, "I forry mom" awwwwww

Through a child's eyes

you really learn to appreciate the little things.
I have a little book that I have for Cooper. Talking to him when we were pregnant. When he was tiny and growing up. I just went to write in it yesterday and realized that it had been a YEAR since I last wrote. I can't believe I have slacked that much!
I just wanted to share some of the things he says and does that makes me laugh.
He has so many funny statements.
"I funny!" He always tells everyone that he is funny.
"CHASE YOU!" He will yell that and then run after you. He LOVES to chase Joel. I think that is his favorite.
"WHOA! FAST MOMMY!" He says this when I am driving. My little speed watcher.
"WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE heeeiiiiiiiiiilllllllll" as we are going DOWN a hill.
my newest favorite:
"BIG MOMMY BIG?!" He will ask for a hug and then say BIG mommy BIG. He wants a bear hug.
This melts my heart:
"mommy otay? otay mommy?"

He LOVES to swim. Will talk about it for a week afterwards. He loves to also:
Throw rocks into the river
Puddle jump
RUN!! He loves running
Crash cars. While yelling cassh!!!
going for walks.

he does wear on me but these moments are better then any type of "wear" I may get. It is time to put him to bed now....

wanting answers.....

to something that I will never get an answer to.

I keep thinking about the pregnancy. Mind you it is a little less. I actually had to THINK how far along I would be. But I can't help but wonder if it might have been a chemical pregnancy.
You know you get the symptoms and everything just there is no baby.
I will never know these answers. Only God knows them.
Am I unhealthy?
Am I overweight?
Did I not take enough vitamins?
Pray too hard? Not hard enough?
Was there really a baby?

I may NEVER know the answers to these questions, even when I get to heaven. But they still go through your head. Time to let go and let God......

some times you can't stop them.....

no matter how hard I PUSH the tears away. I HOLD them down. I hide them.
They just flow once given the opportunity.
My breathing gets heavy and my feet are dug in fighting but the tears fall. DAMN IT!

I think I lied.....

not doing that great today.....

A week later

and I think I am doing ok. Well not bad actually. I can't help but feel a lot guilty though. I have had some great support from a few friends. One friend also told me that my feeling of "gypping" the baby is really not from God. Cause I feel like if we tried again I would be gypping the one we just lost. But my friend said if that were the case then I wouldn't even WANT to have another after Cooper. God loves children.
I sometimes feel like I still have some pregnancy symptoms but I know that it is all in my head. Sometimes I catch myself thinking, oh we would have been able to see the heartbeat this week. But I have to stop myself cause it just ends up consuming me.
I am still VERY angry and snap at a lot of things. I am REALLY tired too. I am not mad at God just angry in general. I have started to think about it as God was looking out for me. Of course there are TONS of questions as to why. Why He would allow someone to go through this when He knows the heart ache.
As a friend said though, God gave up HIS son. So He knows and understands this heartache. Maybe, just maybe He may use me to help someone else.

The last week I have had a few verses really stand out and be a help in this time for me.
Proverbs 3:5,6
5 Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;

6 in all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will make your paths straight.


Romans 8:28.
28 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

I have received both verses before. Prov. on April 13, 2005 and Rom. on March 17, 2006. That is another thing I have noticed I need to get back into. The last time I opened my promise book and actually wrote something down was August 3, 2007. Almost a YEAR!!
anyway....
Things do work for the good of those that love God. It really is hard for me to see right now that this can be of any good. It has brought me closer to understanding a few friends though. So that must be good. It has also brought me closer to another friend.
Trust in the Lord....trust that He knew what was going to happen and He knew what I would go though. That is still a tough one. I don't really understand why He, the all knowing God, would "allow" someone to go through this. I don't think I ever will understand.
Gives me a bit of peace though knowing that Jesus is up there with my little baby and that He is taking care of the baby. So a week later and I feel a little more at peace. But am finding the events playing over and over in my mind. I feel guilty for feeling at peace. I feel guilty for moving on. But I have to.

Not that brought a tear to my eye....

we are supposed to be camping right now. But I just couldn't handle things and we came home early. On the way home I was just sitting thinking. On Thursday we got an ultra sound that showed an empty cervix. So the baby was not there anymore. They left me alone to look at that DANG picture for a bit until I was ready. I kept looking to make sure they didn't miss anything. As if they didn't know how to do their job!
So on the way home Cooper was in the back talking away.
"mommy otay?
"otay mommy?
"sad, mommy. Otay? Otay Momyy. Baby?"

Then Phil and I looked at one another and Phil said, "Is mommy sad about the baby?" Cooper all sad like said, "yeah....."

Brought a tear to both our eyes. Well made me ball.......
How does he know!!!

Got this poem from a friend.....It made me cry but made me feel like I could deal easier. I am mad at God but am realizing that He did this for a reason. What I don't get is if He knows every page in our books why He would allow miss carriages to happen. I guess I am just at a stage where I don't understand.


HEAVEN'S NURSERY
In Heaven there must surely be
A special place, a nursery
Where 'little spirits' not fully grown
Go to live in their Heavenly home.

The angels must attend with love
Tiny spirits on wings of doves,
The choir of angels must sing lullabies
Maybe quieten their tiny cries.

The Father must come by each day
To cuddle and play in a special way
These tiny spirits left earth too soon
Little ones called Home from the womb.

These sparks of life did not perish
But came to the Father's love to cherish,
To grow and be taught in His own arms
Safely away from all earthly harm.

The comforter was sent to earth at once
To the parents who lost their little one
Their hearts so ache, t heir arms feel empty
The question 'why' seems so tempting.

Then all at once in the midst of tears
There comes a peace that stills the fears
The parents share the Father's own need
To hold their tiny spirit being.

They relinquish their own desperate hold
And release their baby to the Father's fold,
Then comes an angel to whisper the truth
Of a nursery in Heaven bearing rich fruit

Of tiny spirits chosen to worship the Father
A place that couldn't be filled by another,
Called to be spared from the struggles of earth,
Chosen to be one of Heaven's births.

So Father, whisper words of love from me
To our unborn 'life' in your nursery.

and today is.......

a cranky day.
I am PISSED OFF AT EVERYTHING.
Why would God let this happen? Why not just get my period rather then toying with my emotions. I had JUST allowed myself to be happy about it on Tuesday when I got my numbers in. Then cause I let myself be happy and excited I started to bleed.
Where the HELL does it say this is fair! Cause this is CRAP. It was a "club" I never wanted to be a part of. Now that I am, even if it was only 5.5 weeks it was still a baby. I can get a picture to prove it. But I am thinking no one is gonna argue Miss. Bitchy.
Now that this has happened I can ALMOST relate to others that have had it happen to them. I say almost cause you can never fully understand the pain and hurt of each specific person. And to think this happens to 50% of pregnancies! grr....

Quite possibly one of the worst days of my life

So Phil and I decided to have another baby. We got pregnant the first month again. Although it was a hard start, to the point where I got tests done to make sure I was pregnant.
So the first HCG test results were a 7. Then on the next friday, as in this last past Friday, I got my levels at 38 and a positive test. Good signs. Sunday another positive test. Then last night my world went spiraling down.
I started to bleed. Went to the ER. Cervix was still closed so it was a 50/50 thing still as to whether or not I would lose the baby. Today still bleeding and found out my HCG levels from last night went down to a 13. I am miscarrying.
This sucks BAD. It so isn't fair. I am being torn a part. This is something I NEVER wanted to experience. I have an ultrasound tomorrow just to confirm what I already know. There is a very big nieve part of me that hangs on to the false hope that everything will be ok. But I am only fooling myself.
I am praying for God's strength cause God knows I don't have it myself. This is really breaking my heart. I may delete this post but apparently you are supposed to talk about it. So 5.5 weeks in I lose the baby. WHY GOD! WHY!!!!!!
I am angry, frustrated, confused etc.....
sigh

A friend passed away tonight.

Marg Duncan. Please pray for her family.
I go to post on my blog here and I see my title "A joyous life" but I can tell you it doesn't feel too joyous right now. At 5 o'clock tonight my friend passed away from her cancer. DAMN CANCER. STUPID, STUPID, STUPID, cancer. I am feeling angry. I am telling myself I wasn't a good enough friend. I should have kept in contact more. I should have known she was in the hospital.
I was laying in bed trying to find the words to pray. I can't find them. They are gone. I know in my heart that she is no longer in pain but it still hurts.
This is hitting really close to home for me. I lost a friend 10 years ago to cancer. So now thinking about Marg has got me thinking about Duke. Reliving that terrible moment. Reliving everything. I know this is going to be hard for some to read and it is even harder for me to type but I have to get this out.
It's not fair. Why is there cancer? Why?? STUPID CANCER!
My heart is aching. I am going to try to put on a smile and just push this all aside. I don't want to relive moments. I watched the sunset tonight and I thought of how beautiful it must look from Heaven. How Marg must be enjoying it. Pain free.
I am glad she is pain free but I think of all the people that are in pain from her passing. She was a wonderful and thoughtful woman. She always encouraged me. She loved my poetry. She lifted me up when I was down. But I wasn't there to lift her up. Thank goodness Someone with stronger hands was. Cause I am too weak. Much too weak.

This hurts......it hurts bad......just as I think I am done crying the tears fall again.....

Rest in Peace Marg. You are a great and lovely person. I will miss you. I love you. I am sorry I didn't say it more. I love you.

Why is it.....

that when you want to sleep the kids WON'T sleep!!
I am so frustrated and I just want to nap. But of course neither child will today. I am cranky and snappy.
NOT A GOOD DAY. I just want to crawl into bed and hide.

feeling attacked

now I get how some bloggers feel like they are being attacked. I was asked to join a group on facebook. I joined then I left after thinking about it. Thinking that I am not so sure that a child should be on facebook.
then I got THIS in my face book email.....
"You are an idiot to leave the group..Maybe you should have thought harder before joining the group..So what the kid has facebook what did you have to rethink about that!!! STUPID"

so I am being called an idiot and STUPID. So what gets me is how childish this really is. I responded saying that it was uncalled for and childish on their part. That I was going to be rejoining the group anyway cause I feel that a child should be able to keep in contact with family. Then I decided against it again. I have my reasons and I am entitled to them. Just didn't think I would be attacked for it!!
NICE!!!!

May 1.......

was Phil's 30th Birthday!!!!

I can't believe he is 30 already. Makes me feel old. But anyway Happy Birthday to Phil. A great Husband and Father.

Psalm 46:10

"Be still, and know that I am God"

I am trying and failing.....

with a toddler EVERY DAY is eventful!!

what a day today! Sue and I went out to Coquitlam to go to Old Navy. I was on the hunt for pants for Phil. So we shopped most of the afternoon. Cooper was VERY well behaved. Then I decided to go by a bathing suit store (BIG mistake on my part. I should never go into those.) But anyway......
both Sue and I saw Cooper hiding in among the bathing suits. We figured he was pooping. We were right. LOL! So we walked over to the washrooms to change his bum. Slight problem, there were no diapers in his back pack. So I check my purse only to remember I took them out the other day because I was going out by myself and didn't need to carry them. DANG! Not even the type of poop you could shake into the toilet. So I remembered the diaper bag in the car so we went out there. Only to realize it was an empty diaper bag. No change of clothes or anything. NO DIAPERS! I couldn't let him sit in it.
So being a mom I improvised.....I found a maxi pad in the diaper bag. PERFECT! LOL!!! So I put it on him then Sue handed my his winter hat. I put it over top of that and tied it the best I could around his waist. Then I put his pants on while Sue took a plastic bag and put it over the car seat to catch anything. Dreading the trip home but he was none the wiser. And the pad soaked it right up and there were no leaks! Maybe I should write the company. LOL!!

On the way home he was talking to us and calling us and trying to show us pictures from his book. I told him, "Cooper honey, Auntie Sue and I cannot see what you are pointing at right now. So please stop."
Sue turns to me and says "good luck with that. I remember when my boys....." then IN FLIES A BOOK!!!
Cooper threw the book from the back to up front so we could look. The timing was PERFECT. Here mom, now you can see. We laughed for like 10 minutes. Both Sue and I were sore!! I couldn't even give him trouble cause we were laughing too hard. And he is rear facing passenger side. So he flung the book over his head and it hit my hand. I have one smart kid there. I am screwed!! LOL!!!

a devotional from this morning

I find myself thinking I need to follow this.



2008/04/21


Become a Quick Listener
by Rick Warren

“My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry ….” James 1:19 (NIV)

*** *** *** ***

The Bible says we should be quick to listen. There are three things that generally hinder our ability to hear what others are saying:

1) Presumption – This is when we think we already know what the other person is going to say; yet, the Bible says, “He who answers before listening – that is his folly and hisshame.” (Proverbs 18:13 NIV)

2) Impatience – This is when you interrupt and jump to conclusions: “There is more hope for a fool than for someone who speaks without thinking.” (Proverbs 29:20 NLT)

3) Pride – This is when we become defensive and unteachable: “The way of a fool seems right to him, but a wise man listens to advice.” (Proverbs 12:15 NIV)

What does this mean?

Let me suggest three HEARING AIDS:

· Listen with your eyes – Research suggests that about 80 percent of communication is non-verbal.Our facial expressions and body language tend to tell the real story.

· Listen with your heart – Be sympathetic.Tune in to the emotions behind the words.

· Make time to listen to the people around you – You show people how much you value them when you take time to listen. Imagine how your home or where you work might be transformed if you make an effort to be “quick to listen.”

HAPPY SECOND BIRTHDAY COOPER!!!

Our little boy is officially 2!! Turned two at 6:40am this morning. Was up at 5:45 though...grr....LOL....where has the time gone!!

The day God brought this amazing boy into our lives:


First Birthday


This morning

how's THAT for prayer!!

So today is Cooper's 2nd birthday party. The weather has been pretty gross the past little while. We had about a week of sun then it went right back to rain. So myself and a few other people have been praying non stop for nice weather.
I in specific have been praying that the weather be dry on friday, yesterday, so that the grass is dry on Saturday for the kids to have an easter egg hunt. Then prayed for a beautiful sunny day for today.
Guess what I woke up to! SUN!!! There are only whisps of clouds in the sky. You know, the ones that God puts there just to decorate a bit more. ;) Yesterday was partly sunny with no rain. So we have a nice dry day today.
HOW IS THAT FOR PRAY!!
God is so darn amazing! In my heart I knew that he would do it and to see it like this today just makes my heart swell with pride for having such an awesome Father.

Thank you God for such an amazing day. Thank you for a look into your splendor and for answered prayers. Thank you for this opportunity to tell non-belivers about the power of prayer.
Amen

My family is all non believers on my side. Except for my oldest younger brother (got that?) So to me I see this as an opportunity to slide in, yep, the power of prayer. When they mention how beautiful it is. Always given opportunities to praise Him!! Pictures to come!! Now hopefully the day will go smoothly!

oh and by the way....it is supposed to go back to rain the rest of the week, with even a chance of snow flurries on Wednesday!!

a bit of a sad reality thrown at me today

I was talking on the phone with my mom the other day. She mentioned how she was in need of a job. She said she really can't get anything because she is not educated and has no other training. OUCH!
That is when it kind of hit me. I have no post secondary education. I would really like to get my Child Passenger Safety Technician (CPST) certificate. It will cost about $300 but at least it could make me money. I could work somewhere. But it got me thinking, oh crap....what am I going to do.
I am a SAHM (stay at home mom) and I LOVE it. I look forward to being there for my kid and their plays, field trips, etc. But what happens when my kid(s) are out of school and we are on our own. Empty nest. What kind of job could I get?
A little dose of reality for me. Still though I don't want to change being a SAHM. Plus I am comfortable in the fact that right now I am right where God wants me to be. Right where He needs me and thinks I am best suited for. I have a LONG time before I really have to worry or anything but it was just a bit of a check for me. Guess it will just have to be something God shows me when the time comes.....

it's been one of those weeks.....

or should I say months???
sigh.....

Just been feeling really down.
Cooper in and out of the hospital for a week. Then I guess I finally had my breakdown with that. Then I went to do laundry for a friend and wrecked that. I shouldn't do things for other people!!
Then I tried to clean up blueberry stains. I used fantastik but didn't realize it had bleach in it. Now my carpet has bleach stains. Can you say bye bye to the damage deposit.
Went to make dinner last night but went to do it too late and had to do something else. Went to make dessert bought the wrong pears. Then forgot the sugar so had to sprinkle it on top.
Having issues with my self image lately too.
Then this morning I realized that I messed up a receipt for my daycare parents back in December and that has screwed up the rest of the year.
Can I just go back to bed and never come out!!!

The Book Meme

I was tagged by Krumply


The Book Meme:
1. Pick up the nearest book of at least 123 pages.
2. Open the book to page 123.
3. Find the fifth sentence.
4. Post the next three sentences.
5. Tag five people.

1) guess the all about tractors book that my son has doesn't count. LOL. So I grabbed "Alpha: Questions of Life"

2)"All of them were filled with the Holy Spirit and began to speak in other tongues as the Spirit enabled them. (acts 2:2-4)
It had happened. The promise of the Father had been fulfilled.

now to tag 5 people. Not sure if five even read my blog!!! I tag: Lori, Michelle, Sue, Biscotti Brain, and Rod.

Pictures of Cooper in the hospital

it was hard to take pics of him in the hospital and I must admit that it felt weird. Usually it is just happy things that we take pics of. But this too was a part of his little life.

We called this Cooper's cage. Any child 4 and under had to be in one due to insurance issues.


Phil brought him a balloon and a toy car. He was feeling better so he was sitting up watching Blue's Clue's and playing.


Than Auntie Sue and Uncle Dennis stopped by. She played with him and he was excited to be standing to play. He crashed shortly after. I couldn't resist the bum shot. This was the smallest gown they had at a size 6.


Feeling better. Sunday morning getting to eat real food. He was eating all he could.


Then it was discharge time. He got out of there yelling bye as fast as he could. These balloons are from the ladies on my birth board. Really sweet of them. The car balloon is from daddy of course. LOL.

on high alert!

Phil and I are so antsy. If you happen to read my comments you may have caught that Cooper was back in the hospital. We went back cause he was throwing up again. He was dehydrated again and was readmitted.
He stayed there for another two nights. The pediatrician told us this morning that "IF" he throws up again we are supposed to go straight back to the ER. I have had my fill, as has Cooper and Phil, of poor Cooper getting pinned to have blood drawn. Pinned to have an IV put in.
I spent every night and day with him. That has worn on me too. The nurses came in every two hours to check his vitals and the IV went off every two hours. So there was no sleep.
Cooper's belly right now is ROCK HARD. So then the worry is that is he gonna puke or poop. LOL.
There was a little girl next door to us in the room who would SCREAM bloody murder as her mom stepped out to go to the bathroom or brush her teeth. Well Cooper had enough of it. So here is this little girl YELLING then Cooper at the top of his voice says "NOOO!!!" Then the little girl started up again JUST as Cooper was falling asleep. This made Cooper mad. So he banged his head and arms on his bed and went "grrrrr" and then "NOOOO!!!"
It was so funny. Our kid knows what he does and doesn't like. Haha....
but anyway both Phil and I are hoping that Cooper really does NOT barf. Sigh....

we're home!!

from the hospital after 2 nights there and being admitted Monday evening.

There is so much to say......

what an ordeal. So be prepared this will get long.
By 3pm on Monday Cooper had thrown up 6 times and was not holding down ANYTHING. So I took him to the doctor's. Went to a walk in clinic cause I was worried about dehydration. So while at the office he threw up 2 more times. That was 8 times in 11.5 hours. The doc looked at him and said that he wanted us to head to the ER cause he was dehydrated. He called the Pediatrician and she was supposed to meet us there.

So his gives us all the paper work and we head to the hospital. We sign him in then sit down. Remember when the kids were newborns and how floppy they were? This was Cooper. So in walks the ped she smiled at me and said, I will be right back to get you guys. So she came back with our paper work and took us in immediately. She checked him out and did confirm that he was indeed dehydrated and what made her the most nervous was how unresponsive and lethargic he was. So she admitted us. They came to give him an IV. THAT WAS HEEEELLLLLLL!!!! I literally had to lay ON TOP of him to keep him still as they fished in the left hand for a vein. The vein didn't work so we had to do it again in the other hand. The hardest part was seeing our sons blood on the floor from the IV. It wasn't much but it was still enough to make both Phil and I sick. So I am laying on him keeping him still and he is SCREAMING people are walking by and I finally snapped, can SOMEONE close those curtains!!!

So once the IV was in he TOTALLY wiped out. Couldn't wake him for the life of us. He was conked right out. THen the nurse came from upstairs and took us up to peds. I put him in the bed. No movement. Lots of cuddles with mommy this week. I loved it and it really made me feel like I was all he wanted. Cause I was. The ped came back in Yesterday morning and checked him out and we started giving him fluids. She said that they would lower the IV amount and then go from there. So my poor mom was holding him and he coughed. I spun to grab the bucket cause I knew the sound by now! And I missed it. He threw up all over her. I felt so bad. So needless to say we were not going anywhere.

He was good all night last night and held down lots of fluids and 1/2 of a popsicle. (sp?) So we were sent home. He is now sitting on the couch with a HUGE smile on his face watching Cars.

I think I am closer to understanding how parents have to deal with being with a sick child. It was impossible to get sleep with the buzzers going off. The nurses coming and going doing their thing and the other kids crying. I stayed the whole time at the hospital. They had a cot for me. I almost broke down a couple times but had to put up the front and be strong for Cooper. I am sure that it will hit soon but for right now we are glad to be home.

If you read this far, thank you. HUGS

my first baby is gone

My calico Shelby just went to a new home. Turns out I am allergic to her and my asthma was getting worse. So she had to go to a new home. The guy that picked her up seemed really nice and genuine. Plus she let him near her. If you knew her you would know what a accomplishment that is in itself.
Bye Shelby. I am so sad...

What God sees

I think it is going to be a usual ocurance for me. Just like depression you have highs and lows when it comes to following Christ. At least that is what I feel sometimes.
For example, tonight I have been wondering if I still look like I am happy. If I still give off that glow that only God provides. I worry that my light has dimmed. I worry that it is going to go out.
Then God interveins....
A lady at Alpha tonight approached me. I have seen her before. I don't remember her name or anything but I do remember her from the retreat and that she came to Christ over that retreat. She approached me and I tell you it was just like God was speaking to me through her!
She told me how she just has to say that she sees a difference in me. She said that when she first saw me at Alpha I seemed very reserved and quiet. (Yeah stop laughing) Not sure of if I should be there or not. She went on to say that lately, since the retreat mainly, she has seen a sparkle. She said I am always smiling. That I always seem so happy. I told her that her timing couldn't have been any more perfect. She said, well there you go an observation from a stranger. I said, no a point from God. I thanked her.
I wonder if I will always have that sense of whether or not I am doing good enough. To be told that I am always smiling is so nice to hear. That is the old me. The me that I actually liked. The me that people mostly remembered. Besides the me that used to also get frustrated too easily. Maybe I am coming back to this smiley person I once was. Maybe all hope isn't lost.
As Alpha comes to a close in a few weeks it kind of breaks my heart. I have made some good friends there. I hate loosing people. I think I take it hard. Sure I barely know these people but we have been through so much. Will it feel like an empty void? Will those relationships still be there? Then I start thinking about all my relationships and friendships and I thank God. Faithful friends. Friends who tell me they love me, that I matter. Friends who make time for me. I guess just cause you may not talk constantly doesn't mean you are gonna lose one another. I believe everything in life happens for a reason. I believe God has brought these people into my life and me into theirs for reasons I have yet to know. But they will be revieled in time. I am sure of it.
God sees the friendships and blesses them. I am so thankful. Friends that have been there for years and let me cry with them. Friends that have been a listening ear no matter how much I feel lost. Thank you, I hope you know who you are.
God sees what I need in my life before even I know what it is. Thank goodness He is in control of my life cause I have no clue what I am doing!
I guess this is a ramble. But to be told I am always smiling makes me feel like I am doing something right and makes me thank God. Makes me realize that yes He is my Father, yes He won't leave me. Yes He loves me and is proud of me. I long to feel proud of. I hear people say that about their children and it makes me smile. There is meaning behind it. I want Cooper to know that. Maybe God is wanting me to know that. He is proud of me. Thank God I must be doing something right.
New chapters are hard to write but God has the pen. Not me. I will be going to the next Alpha. Maybe I can be that light for someone else. If someone sees it now it gives me hope that I am a changed person. That I am in Christ. That I am "fearfully and wonderfully made".
I really hope I made some sense.....going to bed now.....

"It looks good on you"

that is what a friend of mine said to me last night after I shared my testimony about receiving the Holy Spirit.
In my stupidness I was like what does? My haircut? My smile? She said, I don't know how to explain it but the light. She said something along those lines. I thought she was talking about something physical to do with me. Turns out she was talking about how I "look" now that I have opened my heart and received the Holy Spirit.
To tell you the truth this moment when she said that it looked good on me was the only time I never thought that 'no it doesn't' or 'I am too ugly to have something look good on me'
I said thank you. I hope to keep this new "look" I feel so much lighter. Some times I am unsure of what to do in the moment where I get lost and just don't know how to pray or what to say.
I just catch myself saying, "God help".
So then if it is the light that my friend sees in me then maybe just maybe I can help to be the light to the world. To those I meet. Maybe just maybe they will want to know what makes me shine. Oh what a day that would be when I get asked and I can answer in one word, "JESUS!!"

Hard Hearts

It wasn't until the Alpha retreat that I realized that I really, truly had a hard heart. I asked people for prayer. Prayer to get back to God, to get closer to God. I am thankful for my dear friends that were so consistent in prayer for me. I would share that I felt separated by God at the Alpha meetings. Little did I know how separated.
I knew that I "stepped" away from God and there was no one to blame but myself. But what I didn't know and didn't realize was that I had actually built a wall around my heart. One that had to be torn down.
In reading John I found myself getting frustrated at those people that Jesus were trying to teach. How many times did He have to explain who He was? How many times did He have to say "I am." How many times did those people have to question. Then I realized I was one of those people. I may not have questioned who He was. But I wasn't letting him in.
In a painting I saw it depicted Christ standing on the outside of a home, outside a door. There was no handle on the door. Christ was waiting for someone from the inside to let Him in. He says, "I Knock and wait for you to answer" or something along those lines, I am not great at remembering versus. "seek and you shall find". Sure you can find but you really have to be the one to open that door. I was seeking, I was looking but yet I was standing there with my hand over the door knob, hesitant to let Him in. Yet He kept knocking. How many times did He have to knock? Were His knuckles sore and bleeding from banging on the door? Was He tired and ready to give up? Was He cold and wet standing on the outside?
All I know is that when I finally allowed that door to open He came flooding in and weight lifted from my shoulders. I felt lighter. I felt free. I felt joyful. He kept knocking. Why? Why not give up on me? Cause He put down his life for me and He was not about to just give up on who He loves.
Unlike an earthly Father. He is not going to leave me. I have a hard time telling people that I love them. It has been a process but I have started to let people in, tell them how I feel. That I do in fact love them. Yes, I know I may end up getting hurt but it doesn't matter. For as long as they are in my life they will know that they are loved.
I had a very hard heart. A solid oak door. Thank God that He kept knocking. That He kept waiting outside that door for me to just let Him in. He didn't barge in. He waited until I was ready. I would like to say that my heart is no longer hard. I raised my hands in worship today. Can't tell you the last time I did that. I had opened my bible for the first time in almost 2 years to just really read.
Just like those ignorant people that Jesus first tried to teach I kept waiting. Kept wanting the answers. Then realized it was all in front of my face. That HE was there all along. That He was not going to give up and it didn't matter how long it would take but He would keep knocking. Keep longing for my heart. I just hope I don't ever close that door on Him again. The way I feel now is one that I want to treasure. Like skipping down the street wanting to shout it out with Joy. Sure there are questions but rather then let that get me down I realize, there always will be. There is always One willing to sit down and have a coffee with me and just talk. Thank you God.

what is my problem!

I find myself getting envious over the littlest things lately.
Old pictures of myself. Not doing enough mom like stuff. Not sewing enough. Not doing this or doing that....
this is SO NOT what God would want. He would want me to be happy where I am and with who I am. I feel stressed over finances. I have been praying over and over to let that stress leave me but am now wondering if maybe I am praying for it but not actually letting it go. Know what I mean?
I had a tremendous weekend. I don't want this day to day life crap to get me down. We talked about this before the retreat ended. How it would be hard to get back to our day to day life full of stresses. The retreat was nice cause you were surrounded with Christians. My life consists of mostly Christian friends and those that are not, does not mean I love them any less.
So now to turn on a dime.....
let's be thankful for what I have. I may miss stuff here but it is worth a shot...

An awesome God that gave His only son for ME. although I am not worthy.
A wonderful husband who provides for us.
A beautiful and healthy smart son.
A roof over my head
A mother in law who is baking me cookies cause I need to take something to moms group
Food in my belly
Sunny day
A car that runs
Healthy
Friends that love me
Warm shower
A working washer and dryer
Inlaws that come over during my stressful time and fix said washer
Cooper having people in his life that love him.
A God that loves my son MORE then I do. (hard to imagine)
Being alive.
Having the Holy Spirit


there. That is good for now. Stop dwelling on the things that are bugging me and focus and pray about the stuff that I am thankful to have. My problem? I am human. My solution? I am God's child and I can lean on Him. Thank you God!!

What an AMAZING weekend!!!

HOLY SMOKES is all I have to say!! Well I will have more but let's start with that. Pre-warning this is gonna be long!

I will be honest and tell you that I was hesitant from the begining to go to Alpha. I was even more hesitant to go to the retreat as some of you may remember. But I am SO glad that I went. On Friday night I had a breakdown cause I missed Cooper. I cried. I also expected to feel "different" from the moment I walked into the camp. So I was saying to my friends that I was frustrated because I felt no different, besides wanting to cry cause I missed Cooper. I was disappointed that the moment I got there and that night I felt no different.
I was one of those people that didn't expect to come home and be all like "whooooooaaa" (like one of my friends Steve put it) but look at me sitting here typing all giddy like just to explain this.
Saturday morning I still felt no different and was saying that again. Like, what is the deal. I still feel the same. Can anyone say HARD HEART!!! Then we had breakfast. The meals are another post in itself. AMAZING meals!! Near the end of the meal I started to shake. I thought it might have been too much cinnamon spread (lots of sugar). I went outside to take some pictures. The scenery was amazing. The shaking just wasn't stopping. So we went into the meeting room to watch the first of three Nicky Gumble videos that day. I was sitting there and the shaking got worse. Then the head spinning and dizziness. Followed by nausea. I just wanted to go back to bed. So I barely made it through the first video. Then I went to the pastor and asked if I could watch the second video on my free time. He suggested I actually read the book. Then I told him what was going on. He then asked "can we pray for you" I said, not in front of everyone. Then he asked if he could just grab one more person then they could pray for me. I hesitantly said ok. So we went outside with another lady and they put their hands on me and started to pray. While they were praying the shaking got worse as did the dizziness and the wanting to throw up. But then there was something new. The back of my neck was HOT. So I chalked it up to not feeling well and went back up to my bunk and cried cause this was so weird feeling. I was determined to lay down and not come down for the rest of the day. I will miss lunch and the group discussion but it is ok. I was in bed and was NOT coming out. I looked at my watch before I fell asleep and it was 10am.
Then I heard voices, looked at my watch and it was 11:15 so I did fall asleep. Group discussions started at 11:30. I battled with whether or not I would go down. But something in me told me to go. So I went down. We sat in our groups and talked about the Holy Spirit. Gina, a friend of mine in the group, told me that I looked different that my eyes had a shine and a light to them. I was like, whoa! Cool.
Then later that day we watched video number three. Nicky talked about how some people when they receive the Holy Spirit get all warm or hot in areas. A little light went on! I received the Holy Spirit! I was having a spiritual battle. I went up to the cabin and on the way back down looked around and saw no one so I did a little skip and jump. LOL. I was sharing with my group and they said that they did notice a difference. I think that Gina has a gift to notice the Holy Spirit or something. Cause she was mainly the one to see it then even noticed it more in two other members. Our group was really touched by God this weekend. I was happy and giddy again. I felt lighter. I missed it.
That night I got up and shared my testimony. That was REALLY hard but I am glad I did it. The next day during communion I ended up breaking down and I could only say "I am sorry God. I am sorry. Forgive me." It was my fault I walked away from God. I don't want to do it again. This needs to be the start of something new.
Now, if you read this far thank you. Here is a special treat. A picture from Saturday morning. The day my life changed yet again!!

Saturday morning:


My group. Had some with me in it but I didn't like it. LOL. So....can you guess who the one is that kept us laughing? ;)

well I am off

tomorrow morning that is.....
I am actually looking forward to this retreat. I am worried about how I will do away from Cooper but I totally trust Phil.
Phil is going to get my washer put in. My other one broke last week so I have been without a washer. NOT FUN!! There was some juggling around to do for people to watch Cooper cause it turned out Phil works on Sunday for a bit. But my neighbours agreed to watch him. SO SWEET!!
I am looking forward to reconnecting with God. I am looking forward to not getting up at 6:30, watch I will anyway cause it is so routine. I am looking forward to taking pics. I have enjoyed the alpha program thus far. I am glad I didn't quit. I am out of my comfort zone. There were 6 other people there from my church at my one table so I felt ok with it. I at least knew people. All 6 dropped out. So I am by myself. That knocked down one whole side of the table. But I decided to stick with it and that I had to do it for me rather then being there cause I knew people. Most importantly I had to do it for God.
So if I could ask for a little prayer for my family that would be awesome. Here goes nothing......Stepping out of my comfy box.....

He said his name!!

He did it! Cooper said his name! Phil and I were jumping up and down cause we have been looking forward to this for so long. He said it very clear too! Guess our reaction was a little pathetic. LOL

HAPPY FIRST BIRTHDAY SAMARA!!!

Niiiiiiice!!!

My washing machine just broke. Complete with a load of diapers in it. I have 10 diapers to get me through the next ten nights. Sure it happens to be one of the THREE things we own in this darn apartment. Plus I am trying to vacuum but Cooper and the other boy keep dumping toys everywhere. I pick those ones up and they dump out more in another area. My shoulder is killing me from wringing out the diapers then emptying the washing machine of water. It would not even spin to empty the water. Sigh....I asked Phil if God thought this was funny then I took it back cause I know bad things don't come from God. sigh......

The Alpha Course

I am attending the Alpha course at a local church named Northview. It is Wednesday nights. Last night I only knew the people in my group, no one from my church was at the table and I felt rather alone. One of the hosts moved over though and sat beside me. She seems pretty nice.
One thing about me that most people will scoff and argue is that I am a shy person. Until you get to know me. I am especially shy when I am in groups where I really don't know anyone.
There is a weekend away retreat coming up. It is apparently the turning point in the course. I am still hesitant on going. For a few reasons.
1) money
2) leaving Cooper for the first time and it being ALL WEEKEND!
3) not knowing anyone
4) Phil works super late Friday night, so who will watch Cooper

now I have been talking to Phil and Sue. Plus the people at the course. I must admit they are ALL making it hard to say NO.
1) it can be paid for by Northview
2) Phil is a great father and I trust him. But can I handle it!
4) one of the ladies told me that she will go for walks with me and hang out with me. That the cabins are unisex. That all the ladies stay in a bunk of like 12 other ladies and the men stay in seperate rooms and bunks. Even if they are married. Plus I could go home if I needed to. But should I take the bus and try to have fun?
5) My mother in law will watch him I am sure of it.

I am just trying to come up with excuses not to go. It really doesn't seem to be working. The host from my group will get back to me to let me know what is going on. I have this week to decide. My gut is flip flopping. Another thing I think about is the opportunity to take some amazing pictures. I always seem to be able to find God in those moments. I don't know what to do. But then again. I seem to be the only one telling myself not to go.
just had to write it out..............

Purpose Driven Life quote

"Words kill, words give life; they’re either poison or fruit – you choose. (Proverbs 18:21 MSG)"

Photography blog

So after much humming and hawing and fiddling with it I think may be happy with my new blog. I have a photography blog. Feel free to check it out here.

blogging

to be honest I haven't really been "up to" blogging lately. But I try to remember to read blogs.
Through Sue I found the pioneer Woman. I must admit she is very funny. I enjoy her play on words and looking at her photography. This woman is amazing at taking photographs. I hope to get that good one day.
As of right now I have a photoblog in the works. I would like to do a website but there are a few reasons I don't do it.
a) I am no where near good enough
b) I am just learning
c) not sure if there would be enough interest

so for now the blog will be the one I am doing. I so badly am trying to learn how to take better photos. Also learning how to use my manual mode on my camera. Yes I do want a DSLR but my camera is a great camera and I have seen many photos that look awesome with a point and shoot. Although my camera is a point in shoot it also has great potential and allows me to work in manual mode.
anyway....getting off the topic.....
what was the topic?
oh yeah....blogs
so I will be trying to get back into reading the blogs I enjoy. I will post my photography blog when I have it more figured out. But I suggest you head over to Pioneer Woman's site. I think you will get a kick out of it as much as I have and be amazed at her work as much as I am. I can not imagine being away from neighbours and stuff but to be honest I think it would be cool to be around horses. To drive cattle. Cool! Happy blogging and enjoy the reading.