There is an individual in my life that has always been a struggle to be around but there is nothing I can really do about it. All my life I would get my hopes up about this person. Maybe they are changing. They would say they would come and visit then at the last minute think of a reason not to come. They didn't come to my baptism because this person had a headache from being out in the sun all day. In reality if they just would have told me that they weren't comfortable with it then I wouldn't have minded.
There was rarely a time when I wouldn't get off the phone with them and not be in tears cause of the way they made me feel.
At the start of the pregnancy things seemed to start looking up. But at the same time I had learned not to get my hopes up. Once they were up there was further for them to fall. I started to take whatever they said lightly without thinking that they would actually pull through. It helped me to not be hurt so many times.
There were phone calls and excitement on the other end but still I kept myself closely guarded. I wasn't going to be hurt anymore. Then it was brought to my attention that maybe this was God's way of opening a door to this relationship to grow and become what it needed to be. This is not someone I can just shut out of my life either. It doesn't work that way in this situation.
Now getting closer to the end the phone calls have stopped. The excitement is gone and a part of me misses that. I don't think that God is closing that door just yet, I think it is a work in progress. It is just that the novelty of the pregnancy has worn off. It is no longer new news. Even when I called and told about the contractions and the dilation there was no excitement. Yes, I do realize there may be things going on in their life right now that clouds all of the joy but at the same time I knew it would happen.
I didn't get my hopes up. I had done that enough in the past. I learned. I am trusting God with this particular relationship. I know that when my little guy is here the novelty of it will be back but it won't last long. It is sad really to think about it. That a relationship of this magnitude is based, or seems to be based, solely on what the other person can get out of it. It hurts. I have cried a lot. I am done crying now though. Was done a long time ago. Sure there are times where I do cry but it would be nice if I didn't feel like I was a part of a novelty to this person and that there was genuine interest. There isn't. There doesn't seem to be.
God is working it out and I am being patient. So I think anyway. The door stays open and I will not slam it shut but at the same time I know the next stage will just be another novelty and sometimes I just get tired of it.
It does hurt when it wears off. When it feels like there is really no hope. God has a plan in this situation and I can only wait to see the outcome and do the best I can do on my part. What would Jesus do right?
Thursday, March 30, 2006
Monday, March 27, 2006
Photos by Michelle McLatchy
Michelle took some pregnancy photos on Saturday. I am 37 weeks in the pictures. I will try to post them on my Fotopages cause i used up the upload amount for this month on Flickr. Oops.
Michelle loves photography. She has always wanted to be one professionally. I don't think she is too far off. This one, I think, might be one of my favorites. I didn't like my face in the others. More will come soon. (sorry it is so big. not sure how to size pictures in photobucket yet. hehehe)
Thanks Michelle. You did a wonderful job.
Michelle loves photography. She has always wanted to be one professionally. I don't think she is too far off. This one, I think, might be one of my favorites. I didn't like my face in the others. More will come soon. (sorry it is so big. not sure how to size pictures in photobucket yet. hehehe)
Thanks Michelle. You did a wonderful job.
Saturday, March 25, 2006
WOW!
Look how close the little baby is to the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow!
I am still having the sore hips and achy back. Some pain in the stomach too. Hard to sit here but I am telling myself to just tough things out and only when they get totally unbearable will I go in. The last thing I want is to go back to L&D just to have them tell me that I am still 1cm.
Is it wrong to just want to have this baby and hold him in my arms? Technically I am now considered full term. The nurse did say it looked like early labor but those moms out there know that that can last a while. The nurse also didn't think I would make it until Thursday, which is my next doctors appointment. We'll see. Come on baby!
I am still having the sore hips and achy back. Some pain in the stomach too. Hard to sit here but I am telling myself to just tough things out and only when they get totally unbearable will I go in. The last thing I want is to go back to L&D just to have them tell me that I am still 1cm.
Is it wrong to just want to have this baby and hold him in my arms? Technically I am now considered full term. The nurse did say it looked like early labor but those moms out there know that that can last a while. The nurse also didn't think I would make it until Thursday, which is my next doctors appointment. We'll see. Come on baby!
Thursday, March 23, 2006
Emotions
I will be the first to admit that these have been particularly out of control for me. For some reason they have been more intense then ever for the last two weeks or so.
I have had days where I don't want to get out of bed. I don't want to talk on the phone or even go out of the house. I find it interesting, almost amusing, that I am no longer able to just hide. I think God won't let me anymore, no matter how hard I try. I know that if I don't answer the phone then, depending on who it is, the person will keep calling. I think being this close to the end of the pregnancy heightens that as well. So I would hesitantly answer the phone.
Yesterday was one of those days. I have found myself disappointed with myself and frustrated. Confused and scared are common as well. The joys of pregnancy. The phone rang. Looked at the call display and I knew I had to answer it or else this friend would have kept calling or assumed that I was at the hospital. Most of the day I worked kinda like a machine. Not wanting to talk online. Not wanting to answer the phone and laying in bed resting a bit. Each time someone would call I would answer. Each time I would be honest with the person on the other end. If I didn't want to talk about something they knew it. By the end of the day I was still in my own little world but seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, so to speak. Went to the final prenatal class. It felt good to get out. To surround myself with people. It was what I needed. God knows when I need people and when I need to just be. He takes care of that and for that I am thankful. I am thankful for those people he has put into my life.
Today feels wonderful. Even though I didn't get much sleep I feel happy and energetic. Did the usual routine. Made Phil's lunch and breakfast. Got a load of laundry ready to do, put clean laundry away, did the dishes and am about to start that load of laundry. I may burn out but it feels good to feel so happy. It feels good knowing that no matter the mood I am in I have support and people who love me. It feels good knowing that God knows my moods and He knows what to do to help me through them.
I have a doctors appointment today. Not going to let myself get discouraged. This LB will come when he is ready. I can only do the best that I can and hopefully that will be good enough.
I have had days where I don't want to get out of bed. I don't want to talk on the phone or even go out of the house. I find it interesting, almost amusing, that I am no longer able to just hide. I think God won't let me anymore, no matter how hard I try. I know that if I don't answer the phone then, depending on who it is, the person will keep calling. I think being this close to the end of the pregnancy heightens that as well. So I would hesitantly answer the phone.
Yesterday was one of those days. I have found myself disappointed with myself and frustrated. Confused and scared are common as well. The joys of pregnancy. The phone rang. Looked at the call display and I knew I had to answer it or else this friend would have kept calling or assumed that I was at the hospital. Most of the day I worked kinda like a machine. Not wanting to talk online. Not wanting to answer the phone and laying in bed resting a bit. Each time someone would call I would answer. Each time I would be honest with the person on the other end. If I didn't want to talk about something they knew it. By the end of the day I was still in my own little world but seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, so to speak. Went to the final prenatal class. It felt good to get out. To surround myself with people. It was what I needed. God knows when I need people and when I need to just be. He takes care of that and for that I am thankful. I am thankful for those people he has put into my life.
Today feels wonderful. Even though I didn't get much sleep I feel happy and energetic. Did the usual routine. Made Phil's lunch and breakfast. Got a load of laundry ready to do, put clean laundry away, did the dishes and am about to start that load of laundry. I may burn out but it feels good to feel so happy. It feels good knowing that no matter the mood I am in I have support and people who love me. It feels good knowing that God knows my moods and He knows what to do to help me through them.
I have a doctors appointment today. Not going to let myself get discouraged. This LB will come when he is ready. I can only do the best that I can and hopefully that will be good enough.
Wednesday, March 22, 2006
Update?
So, I am not quite sure what is going on to be honest with you. I believe these have all been contractions but I am so tired and I have no idea anymore. I called my doctor yesterday to see if I should go and see her earlier in the week but she sent me over to L&D (labor and delivery). There are things happening but at the same time I may be a little dehydrated hence the number of contractions. I have no clue. I don't understand what they say.
I am feeling frustrated, discouraged and upset with myself. If I am not able to handle these contractions and their lack of intensity then how the heck am I going to be able to handle the full blown real things? Some of them put me into tears I think those are the stronger ones. I can handle it, persay, but it is just the feeling of being so tired. For some reason I almost feel like I am failing myself and the baby. The hormones are absolutely nuts! Crying at most stupid things.
Listen to me whine. Maybe my friends are right that I do that well.
I just feel like a bit of an ass going into L&D to be told that nothing is progressing or happening and to be sent home. I wonder what the nurses and my doctors are going to think.
The nurse yesterday said that she is not going to tell me that it is not real labor cause then next thing we know it will be happening. She isn't going to tell me it is not real either. Something is happening. So this could possibly be the beginning of labor? Pre-labor? Makes me wonder.
I just need to keep my mind off it. But it is kinda hard when I keep feeling the tightening and such and keep feeling him move. I have decided that I am not going to do anything unless the pain is crazy strong and I can barely move or else my water breaks. 23 more days. I can do it! So many have before me. He just needs to keep baking longer. SO even though I feel done and impatient to have him in my arms and know that he is ok I know that I need to be patient and it will all work in God's timing.
I am feeling frustrated, discouraged and upset with myself. If I am not able to handle these contractions and their lack of intensity then how the heck am I going to be able to handle the full blown real things? Some of them put me into tears I think those are the stronger ones. I can handle it, persay, but it is just the feeling of being so tired. For some reason I almost feel like I am failing myself and the baby. The hormones are absolutely nuts! Crying at most stupid things.
Listen to me whine. Maybe my friends are right that I do that well.
I just feel like a bit of an ass going into L&D to be told that nothing is progressing or happening and to be sent home. I wonder what the nurses and my doctors are going to think.
The nurse yesterday said that she is not going to tell me that it is not real labor cause then next thing we know it will be happening. She isn't going to tell me it is not real either. Something is happening. So this could possibly be the beginning of labor? Pre-labor? Makes me wonder.
I just need to keep my mind off it. But it is kinda hard when I keep feeling the tightening and such and keep feeling him move. I have decided that I am not going to do anything unless the pain is crazy strong and I can barely move or else my water breaks. 23 more days. I can do it! So many have before me. He just needs to keep baking longer. SO even though I feel done and impatient to have him in my arms and know that he is ok I know that I need to be patient and it will all work in God's timing.
Tuesday, March 21, 2006
Prime Time With God
"Simply reading your Bible will not make you a warrior for the Kingdom. Knowledge without experience is mere folly. Only when you are placed in situations where there is nothing or no one who can save you but God will you learn the lessons of warrior faith. This is the training ground of God, which will make you into a soldier for Christ in the workplace. Consider it to be suicidal faith - faith that says I want to be dead to anything that keeps me from fulfilling God's purposes for my life. It is when your efforts can do nothing to change your circumstance and you are at the mercy of God. These are the real training grounds of God. Do not shrink back from the battle that God may be leading you to today. It may be a training ground that is necessary for the calling He has on your life."
-TGIF Today God Is First, by Os Hillman
(I think this applies not to just the physical workplace that we are in but the workplace that God places us in during our everyday life working for Him.)
-TGIF Today God Is First, by Os Hillman
(I think this applies not to just the physical workplace that we are in but the workplace that God places us in during our everyday life working for Him.)
Monday, March 20, 2006
So...Should I be washing the crib bedding?
I have been having contractions. I thought they were just Braxton Hicks and yeah they may very well have been. Last night they got timeable and more painful. Consitently 4 minutes apart. Lasting 40 seconds each.
After fighting for a while I decided that I probably should listen and call L&D (labor and delivery). So I phoned and they had me come in. Nothing huge really. Not having slept for two days and feeling exhausted they monitored me. Yes there are things slowly happening.
They gave me a shot of demeral so that I can go to sleep. Then not only I can sleep but so can Phil. Baby was monitored and he was doing well. I was told that there is a possibility I could have woken up a few hours later in full labor, rather then the light pre-labor stuff. I actually slept though. I still feel sleepy. Yes I do have the contractions still and will keep an eye on it. I may sound paranoid and granted I believe I may be. But you can never know.
So, my question is...Should I be starting to wash the crib bedding? I am thinking so.
After fighting for a while I decided that I probably should listen and call L&D (labor and delivery). So I phoned and they had me come in. Nothing huge really. Not having slept for two days and feeling exhausted they monitored me. Yes there are things slowly happening.
They gave me a shot of demeral so that I can go to sleep. Then not only I can sleep but so can Phil. Baby was monitored and he was doing well. I was told that there is a possibility I could have woken up a few hours later in full labor, rather then the light pre-labor stuff. I actually slept though. I still feel sleepy. Yes I do have the contractions still and will keep an eye on it. I may sound paranoid and granted I believe I may be. But you can never know.
So, my question is...Should I be starting to wash the crib bedding? I am thinking so.
Sunday, March 19, 2006
So TIRED!!
So, most of you moms out there are probably going to shake their heads and laugh at me but I am going to tell you what has been happening to me!
Last night I was having some pretty good back pain. Took a couple tylenol extra strength and attempted to go to bed at 8. No avail. I tossed and turned. The pain felt so intense. It would go away then come back. All night. I even went and walked at like 11:30. It ended up radiating into the front too. Too much info?? hehehe
I think there was one two hour stint that I got in but all night the pain just kept coming. It would wear off enough for me to fall asleep, or start to, then BANG right back at it. Whatever. It can't be labour. Has to be braxton Hicks.
So today I have still been having them. Went for a walk, on the advice of a friend of mines mom who used to be a midwife. Had to stop a few times and just breathe. My friends mom said that she didn't think it was labour. She said that I do look ready though. That seemed to be the common consencus today at church. Tried laying down to get some sleep once again to no avail again. Maybe twenty minutes.
Man! Listen to me complain and if this really truly is all "fake" labour then it really makes me wonder if I will handle the real thing.
While on the walk I would get the pain. Sue went with me for the walk and I would hear her breathe out and I would be like, oh yeah, I better do that. It is funny how in the midst of it all you kinda forget to breathe.
Phil is so cute. He has a big smile on his face and he keeps saying, he's coming, he's coming. I said yes he is but I am sure that it isn't today. I looked up at him after one of the wonderful contractions and he smiled and I said you're excited aren't you? He said Yeah, but scared too. I just looked at him and said, me too Phil, me too.
Man! It scares me if I am this big of a wimp now what the heck will I be like when the real thing hits? Bath didn't help last night and neither did the exercise ball, which surprised me. Hmmmm...ok LB what is going on?
Last night Phil asked if we need to call labour and delivery. I said no cause they are just going to tell me that it is all false labour and send me home anyway. Is it really too soon? 26 more days...
Last night I was having some pretty good back pain. Took a couple tylenol extra strength and attempted to go to bed at 8. No avail. I tossed and turned. The pain felt so intense. It would go away then come back. All night. I even went and walked at like 11:30. It ended up radiating into the front too. Too much info?? hehehe
I think there was one two hour stint that I got in but all night the pain just kept coming. It would wear off enough for me to fall asleep, or start to, then BANG right back at it. Whatever. It can't be labour. Has to be braxton Hicks.
So today I have still been having them. Went for a walk, on the advice of a friend of mines mom who used to be a midwife. Had to stop a few times and just breathe. My friends mom said that she didn't think it was labour. She said that I do look ready though. That seemed to be the common consencus today at church. Tried laying down to get some sleep once again to no avail again. Maybe twenty minutes.
Man! Listen to me complain and if this really truly is all "fake" labour then it really makes me wonder if I will handle the real thing.
While on the walk I would get the pain. Sue went with me for the walk and I would hear her breathe out and I would be like, oh yeah, I better do that. It is funny how in the midst of it all you kinda forget to breathe.
Phil is so cute. He has a big smile on his face and he keeps saying, he's coming, he's coming. I said yes he is but I am sure that it isn't today. I looked up at him after one of the wonderful contractions and he smiled and I said you're excited aren't you? He said Yeah, but scared too. I just looked at him and said, me too Phil, me too.
Man! It scares me if I am this big of a wimp now what the heck will I be like when the real thing hits? Bath didn't help last night and neither did the exercise ball, which surprised me. Hmmmm...ok LB what is going on?
Last night Phil asked if we need to call labour and delivery. I said no cause they are just going to tell me that it is all false labour and send me home anyway. Is it really too soon? 26 more days...
Saturday, March 18, 2006
Vicious Cycle
Why is it that when you clean one thing you see that something else needs to be cleaned. So then after you clean the first thing, you go onto the next. Then while doing the next you see something else. It goes on and on and on...
I hate being an anal person!
I hate being an anal person!
Friday, March 17, 2006
Wrote this in February of 2005
Came across this post from over a year ago. I find it interesting that it still pertains to today. To what we are going through and my struggle to just hand it over to Him. Hmmm...
Handing it Over
i pray out to You oh Lord
and i ask You to take it all
into Your own hands.
i am handing it over to You
Lord and i will trust You
with any outcome.
as i pray it to You Lord
i believe it deep down in my heart.
i feel a sense of calmness
that wraps its arms around me.
knowing that you already have the
next step in mind gives me peace.
i will trust in You, oh Lord
that i am safe in Your arms
and if it should not go
the exact way i want it to
i will be okay.
only you know what is in
store for me next, so here
i am Lord, handing it over to You.
into the arms that i know
will protect and carry me.
bringing You even deeper into my heart.
Handing it Over
i pray out to You oh Lord
and i ask You to take it all
into Your own hands.
i am handing it over to You
Lord and i will trust You
with any outcome.
as i pray it to You Lord
i believe it deep down in my heart.
i feel a sense of calmness
that wraps its arms around me.
knowing that you already have the
next step in mind gives me peace.
i will trust in You, oh Lord
that i am safe in Your arms
and if it should not go
the exact way i want it to
i will be okay.
only you know what is in
store for me next, so here
i am Lord, handing it over to You.
into the arms that i know
will protect and carry me.
bringing You even deeper into my heart.
Things I miss.....
I think most women out there will get what I mean!
Was thinking of all the things I am grateful for and all the blessings I have received then I started to think of some of the things I miss.
Hopefully some of you will get a chuckle out of this!
Things I miss:
- Being able to put my socks and shoes on myself
- Not making noise every time I bend over
- Being able to shave my legs
- Being able to see my legs!! and toes
- Being able to get a gallon of milk from the store and it not take me a half hour to get there
- Sleeping on my back
- Wearing clothes that actually look cute
Hehehe.
Don't get me wrong. I love being pregnant. I love to feel baby move, even though it feels like my body is taken over by an alien! I love the way people look at the belly and smile. It is an awesome privileged and experience to go through. At the same time part of me wants to just hold this baby, and have my body back. I guess it really never will be mine again!!
Hehehe
Was thinking of all the things I am grateful for and all the blessings I have received then I started to think of some of the things I miss.
Hopefully some of you will get a chuckle out of this!
Things I miss:
- Being able to put my socks and shoes on myself
- Not making noise every time I bend over
- Being able to shave my legs
- Being able to see my legs!! and toes
- Being able to get a gallon of milk from the store and it not take me a half hour to get there
- Sleeping on my back
- Wearing clothes that actually look cute
Hehehe.
Don't get me wrong. I love being pregnant. I love to feel baby move, even though it feels like my body is taken over by an alien! I love the way people look at the belly and smile. It is an awesome privileged and experience to go through. At the same time part of me wants to just hold this baby, and have my body back. I guess it really never will be mine again!!
Hehehe
Thursday, March 16, 2006
Wednesday, March 15, 2006
awwww......man
Could I be sick? Have the stomach aches like so many have had?
This morning is not good right now. Sure it may be pregnancy related but it still sucks. My hips are hurting (that must be the baby) my tummy is really sore and crampy and I even feel like I am going to get sick.
I want to go back to bed but a friend is coming over today so that should take my mind of it.
Yeah I know......... whine, whine, whine. Apparently I do that real well! Anybody got some cheese?
This morning is not good right now. Sure it may be pregnancy related but it still sucks. My hips are hurting (that must be the baby) my tummy is really sore and crampy and I even feel like I am going to get sick.
I want to go back to bed but a friend is coming over today so that should take my mind of it.
Yeah I know......... whine, whine, whine. Apparently I do that real well! Anybody got some cheese?
Monday, March 13, 2006
I'm Done
Hehehe.
So feel done. But am enjoying the last little bit of the pregnancy.
This morning went for a nice walk around mill lake with my husband. I can tell you that it took WAY longer then usual. Had to take it slow. Baby is creating some good pressure. Toes go tingly. Kinda amusing if I think about it actually. So I made it around the lake, while taking a few short cuts here and there and one rest. I think I am going to listen to my body and go to bed. That is what it is telling me.
I can't believe there are only 32 days left. I am not sure I am ready to say that number cause it feels so close. I just can't wait to hold our LB in my arms. Sigh.....
Oh, by the way... Posted some more pictures on my flickr site. Auntie Chel was making hand prints. Check out the lump in one of the shots. I think it might be a body part. A arm maybe. Who knows.....
So feel done. But am enjoying the last little bit of the pregnancy.
This morning went for a nice walk around mill lake with my husband. I can tell you that it took WAY longer then usual. Had to take it slow. Baby is creating some good pressure. Toes go tingly. Kinda amusing if I think about it actually. So I made it around the lake, while taking a few short cuts here and there and one rest. I think I am going to listen to my body and go to bed. That is what it is telling me.
I can't believe there are only 32 days left. I am not sure I am ready to say that number cause it feels so close. I just can't wait to hold our LB in my arms. Sigh.....
Oh, by the way... Posted some more pictures on my flickr site. Auntie Chel was making hand prints. Check out the lump in one of the shots. I think it might be a body part. A arm maybe. Who knows.....
Saturday, March 11, 2006
Friday, March 10, 2006
Can you believe it!?!
5 MORE WEEKS!! (insert panicked, but excited girly noise here!)
I just can't wait to hold him in my arms. To smell him. Feel him. Just stare at him. I am so excited. On one hand I feel SO done being pregnant too!
hehehe- girly giggle again!
I just can't wait to hold him in my arms. To smell him. Feel him. Just stare at him. I am so excited. On one hand I feel SO done being pregnant too!
hehehe- girly giggle again!
Thursday, March 09, 2006
Yesterday's Daily Bread
Lord, give us grace to trust You when
Life's burdens seem too much to bear;
Dispel the darkness with new hope
And help us rise above despair.
—Sper
Life's burdens seem too much to bear;
Dispel the darkness with new hope
And help us rise above despair.
—Sper
Wednesday, March 08, 2006
Not deserving
As most of you may know I have been very stressed and worried lately. I have been angry and frustrated at God. This is the thing: although I am angry He keeps blessing us. I just am so amazed and don't get it on so many levels. How can He bless us while I am sitting there telling Him how angry and frustrated I feel?
With the blessings He has been giving to us we are getting closer to being able to make it. Much closer then we thought. I am so grateful.
Went to the Heartbeat of NH last night. It is a night where the community of NH gets together for prayer. For fellowship. For worship. In the midst of this night my husband and I were blessed. I didn't want to go. Kept fighting it. Didn't want to cry or break down as I have been on the verge of that for a few weeks now. I cried. I broke down but I realized that is where I needed to be. I needed to let myself feel. Now back to the daily grind, to stuff it away but there was a moment of healing.
On the way home I said to a friend, I don't deserve this. She responded with something along the lines of: No you don't. None of us do. But it is by the grace and mercy of God that we, that you, have. (those aren't the exact words but they are the ones that come to my head as I sit here and type this. Hope I wasn't too far off.)
I don't deserve it. We don't deserve it. God gives it to us still. We are His children and He is providing for us. That I am thankful for. He doesn't punish me because I feel, because I have the emotions. He just continues to love me and provide for us. It blows me out of the water. Makes me want to drop to my knees. I am so not worthy in my own eyes. However, in His eyes I am. Now, who can ask for a better Father, a better Savior then that?
I know that I feel the healing begin. I actually see it through the church as well, but that is another blog. I know that there are going to be days that I feel angry. The ones that feel like they aren't going to end. The ones that feel like everything just hit the fan again. I just hope that in those minutes, hours, days or months of darkness I will remember this moment. The moments in which I feel loved. The moments in which I realized I am a part of a bigger community. That I am a part of my NH family. That God gave me that family. That family looks out for one another and if it wasn't for the family that God has blessed us with I don't know what I would do.
God is moving. I just want to keep feeling His presence, His love, His mercy and His grace. Like I said I am not worthy. I don't deserve it. To God though I am and I do.
Kinda makes the road a little more bearable. A little less bumpy. The journey continues, but today I have a smile on my face, I have hope in my heart and I just want to take it all in.
With the blessings He has been giving to us we are getting closer to being able to make it. Much closer then we thought. I am so grateful.
Went to the Heartbeat of NH last night. It is a night where the community of NH gets together for prayer. For fellowship. For worship. In the midst of this night my husband and I were blessed. I didn't want to go. Kept fighting it. Didn't want to cry or break down as I have been on the verge of that for a few weeks now. I cried. I broke down but I realized that is where I needed to be. I needed to let myself feel. Now back to the daily grind, to stuff it away but there was a moment of healing.
On the way home I said to a friend, I don't deserve this. She responded with something along the lines of: No you don't. None of us do. But it is by the grace and mercy of God that we, that you, have. (those aren't the exact words but they are the ones that come to my head as I sit here and type this. Hope I wasn't too far off.)
I don't deserve it. We don't deserve it. God gives it to us still. We are His children and He is providing for us. That I am thankful for. He doesn't punish me because I feel, because I have the emotions. He just continues to love me and provide for us. It blows me out of the water. Makes me want to drop to my knees. I am so not worthy in my own eyes. However, in His eyes I am. Now, who can ask for a better Father, a better Savior then that?
I know that I feel the healing begin. I actually see it through the church as well, but that is another blog. I know that there are going to be days that I feel angry. The ones that feel like they aren't going to end. The ones that feel like everything just hit the fan again. I just hope that in those minutes, hours, days or months of darkness I will remember this moment. The moments in which I feel loved. The moments in which I realized I am a part of a bigger community. That I am a part of my NH family. That God gave me that family. That family looks out for one another and if it wasn't for the family that God has blessed us with I don't know what I would do.
God is moving. I just want to keep feeling His presence, His love, His mercy and His grace. Like I said I am not worthy. I don't deserve it. To God though I am and I do.
Kinda makes the road a little more bearable. A little less bumpy. The journey continues, but today I have a smile on my face, I have hope in my heart and I just want to take it all in.
Monday, March 06, 2006
A Father's Mercy.
I think that although I cannot put it into words, I may be learning and understanding what the word mercy means. I have never really been one to give the exact meaning of something because I don't want to look foolish. I don't want to look like I am an idiot if I explain it wrong so I try to use my life experiences to show what I think I understand.
I think that I have been shown the mercy of our Father. Here I am mad at God. Angry at the circumstances. Angry that, as of yet, Phil still has no work. It's frustrating and I get angry because I just want to know how the heck He expects us to get through this all. I know that I am not the only one who has been in these types of situations but still I feel angry. I am not looking for pity. This is just where I am at.
I was afraid to admit it to Him. Afraid of the consequences. Afraid to admit that I still feel that anger. Afraid of what my punishment might be. You know growing up it was not ok to be mad at your parents without getting sent to your room or yelled at. My Father in Heaven is so different.
So here I am mad at Him and just frustrated with everything. Then I hear Him. First of all yesterday it started with a new song out by Gary Allan called "Life ain't always Beautiful." (I am sure I will post if but we will see how far I get here). Then I went to church. Blessed by a friend from church. Confused as to what I did to deserve it. I was mad at God but here He is blessing us. A merciful God. Then not to mention the songs we sung and even the topic of the sermon and the message that I received out of it. Had been praising and thanking Him all day.
So here I am blubbering like a baby all morning. Not sure if it is the last few weeks of the pregnancy hormones but everything seemed to hit me. I am not going to lie. I still feel anger but at the same time I think it just may be frustration. I still feel panicked and worry about what it may do to the baby. Restless nights. Quick to cry. I will go from one extreme to the next. Sounds like hormones to me. It is just everything all at once and for some reason there is a part of me that can't let it go. Believe me, I have tried giving it over to God. I would say that it is not that I don't trust Him but it must be. Or else it would be easier.
Just the way that God came to me yesterday just blew me away. Made me weak and cry out to Him. Literally. I kept asking for forgiveness for being so angry. For not just leaving it in His hands. But He just showed me His mercy. Now there really is no greater Father then that. He showed me His love. His endless love. His patience.
Not sure where things are going to go and it scares me. I wish I could honestly say that I am handing it over to God but part of me I guess shows disrespect to Him because before I even realize what is going on I am thinking again.
Today I am going to focus on those blessings. I am going to focus on the great things He has given us. I am going to try my hardest to fully hand it over to Him. To completely trust Him. I need help. He will help me. Now that is a mercy that is so big it knocks me to my knees.
I guess I will post the song here. I think that Gary Allan may be talking about a woman but can you see where it just seems to appropriately fit? I can think of it as missing God's smile. It is only the one verse but the rest of the song hits the nail on the head....
Life Ain't Always Beautiful
Life ain't always beautiful
Sometimes it's just plain hard
life can knock you down, it can break your heart
Life ain't always beautiful
You think you're on your way
And it's just a dead end road at the end of the day.
Chorus:
But the struggles make you stronger
And the changes make you wise
And happiness has it's own way of taking it's own sweet time
No, life ain't always beautiful
Tears will fall sometimes
Life ain't always beautiful but it's a beautiful ride.
Life ain't always beautiful
Some days I miss your smile
I get tired of walking all these lonely miles
And wish for just one minute that I could see your pretty face
Yes, I can dream but life don't work that way.
Chorus:
The struggles make me stronger
And the changes make me wise
And happiness has it's own way of taking it's sweet time
No, life ain't always beautiful
But I know I'll be fine
Life ain't always beautiful, but it's a beautiful ride.
What a beautiful ride...
I think that I have been shown the mercy of our Father. Here I am mad at God. Angry at the circumstances. Angry that, as of yet, Phil still has no work. It's frustrating and I get angry because I just want to know how the heck He expects us to get through this all. I know that I am not the only one who has been in these types of situations but still I feel angry. I am not looking for pity. This is just where I am at.
I was afraid to admit it to Him. Afraid of the consequences. Afraid to admit that I still feel that anger. Afraid of what my punishment might be. You know growing up it was not ok to be mad at your parents without getting sent to your room or yelled at. My Father in Heaven is so different.
So here I am mad at Him and just frustrated with everything. Then I hear Him. First of all yesterday it started with a new song out by Gary Allan called "Life ain't always Beautiful." (I am sure I will post if but we will see how far I get here). Then I went to church. Blessed by a friend from church. Confused as to what I did to deserve it. I was mad at God but here He is blessing us. A merciful God. Then not to mention the songs we sung and even the topic of the sermon and the message that I received out of it. Had been praising and thanking Him all day.
So here I am blubbering like a baby all morning. Not sure if it is the last few weeks of the pregnancy hormones but everything seemed to hit me. I am not going to lie. I still feel anger but at the same time I think it just may be frustration. I still feel panicked and worry about what it may do to the baby. Restless nights. Quick to cry. I will go from one extreme to the next. Sounds like hormones to me. It is just everything all at once and for some reason there is a part of me that can't let it go. Believe me, I have tried giving it over to God. I would say that it is not that I don't trust Him but it must be. Or else it would be easier.
Just the way that God came to me yesterday just blew me away. Made me weak and cry out to Him. Literally. I kept asking for forgiveness for being so angry. For not just leaving it in His hands. But He just showed me His mercy. Now there really is no greater Father then that. He showed me His love. His endless love. His patience.
Not sure where things are going to go and it scares me. I wish I could honestly say that I am handing it over to God but part of me I guess shows disrespect to Him because before I even realize what is going on I am thinking again.
Today I am going to focus on those blessings. I am going to focus on the great things He has given us. I am going to try my hardest to fully hand it over to Him. To completely trust Him. I need help. He will help me. Now that is a mercy that is so big it knocks me to my knees.
I guess I will post the song here. I think that Gary Allan may be talking about a woman but can you see where it just seems to appropriately fit? I can think of it as missing God's smile. It is only the one verse but the rest of the song hits the nail on the head....
Life Ain't Always Beautiful
Life ain't always beautiful
Sometimes it's just plain hard
life can knock you down, it can break your heart
Life ain't always beautiful
You think you're on your way
And it's just a dead end road at the end of the day.
Chorus:
But the struggles make you stronger
And the changes make you wise
And happiness has it's own way of taking it's own sweet time
No, life ain't always beautiful
Tears will fall sometimes
Life ain't always beautiful but it's a beautiful ride.
Life ain't always beautiful
Some days I miss your smile
I get tired of walking all these lonely miles
And wish for just one minute that I could see your pretty face
Yes, I can dream but life don't work that way.
Chorus:
The struggles make me stronger
And the changes make me wise
And happiness has it's own way of taking it's sweet time
No, life ain't always beautiful
But I know I'll be fine
Life ain't always beautiful, but it's a beautiful ride.
What a beautiful ride...
Saturday, March 04, 2006
The cries of battle
It slithers its way into your mind like an unwelcome guest. Quietly at first then louder and stealthier then before. Wrapping itself tighter and tighter around your chest pulling you further away from the Truth. Without warning you feel like you are gasping for air, clutching at what little you can hang on to. Your world starts to spin and you feel like every small obstacle is bigger then the last. Every thing yet to come amplifies itself as a worry and you aren't even there yet. Your eyes cry out for sleep yet your mind won't give in. Pulling further and further into the cycle. What is it?
Anxiety.
Stress.
Anxiety attacks that pull you away from trusting the One who can keep you from them. That wrap their power around you in your weak moment and pull you under. Leaving you gasping for breath. You start to lose sight of the safety of the Fathers arms. All of a sudden it is like you are alone and lost all at once.
The grip that is hard to pull yourself out of. The grasp that keeps getting stronger with each moment that you let a thought of fear enter your mind.
Then comes the One that can pry those cold fingers from their grasp and hold you tight. Prayer is the only answer. Although you aren't getting the answers that you want and seeing the results that you want to see He is there. Getting you through each struggle baby step by baby step.
A voice that is not your own is lifting you to God. You feel too weak and unsure of which direction to go in. So your arms are lifted by someone who can carry that burden. Lighten that yoke. For His yoke is light. In your weakness He is strong. You feel the strength take place of the fear. No matter how slight at the moment you know that the strength will wipe it all away. The Burden Carrier lifts you onto His shoulders. Into His arms and cries with you. Holds you close. You shake due to the fear. When will those cold, dark, slithering hands work their way back into your heart? Clinging to the Fathers love you know that is the only thing that will get you through and you hold onto that for dear life.
Calmness overcomes you. You step into the light in the midst of the storm and you believe that it will pass. That this too will end. He will give you what you need when you need it. Feeling the battle rage within you, you have the faith deep down in your heart for the One who will pull you back to His shore. When you feel so lost and alone you just look and you can see the hand that is strong enough to hold you up when you feel weighed down by the world. The hand that pulls you to your feet to keep the battle going. The hand that places your armor back on. Bruised and worn armor but none the less the thing that will protect you when those arrows and fears try to take hold again.
Reaching to the only one who can keep you safe you cry out. Knowing that this too will end. Not sure when exactly, but in your heart you know that He has a reason for it all. The battle continues. The cries can be heard from far away.
Wait, what is that?
Hear it?
It is the cry of victory. Off in the distance amongst the sounds of the arrows bouncing off your armor and those that surround you for the fight. What a beautiful sound. The battle cries are diminished by the sweet sound of the victory song. The sweet embrace of the Love that will pull you through. Just believe in that Love. He is there. He is the safe spot in the storm. The only protector that can pull you through and hold you up. Feel the arms surround you and remember them. The Light is so much stronger then the dark. Feel it's security wrap itself around you to hold you and never let go. Even when you feel He is not there, wait for the whisper. It is beautiful. It is full of hope and promise. It is your Father. The protector of His loved ones. Of His children.
Anxiety.
Stress.
Anxiety attacks that pull you away from trusting the One who can keep you from them. That wrap their power around you in your weak moment and pull you under. Leaving you gasping for breath. You start to lose sight of the safety of the Fathers arms. All of a sudden it is like you are alone and lost all at once.
The grip that is hard to pull yourself out of. The grasp that keeps getting stronger with each moment that you let a thought of fear enter your mind.
Then comes the One that can pry those cold fingers from their grasp and hold you tight. Prayer is the only answer. Although you aren't getting the answers that you want and seeing the results that you want to see He is there. Getting you through each struggle baby step by baby step.
A voice that is not your own is lifting you to God. You feel too weak and unsure of which direction to go in. So your arms are lifted by someone who can carry that burden. Lighten that yoke. For His yoke is light. In your weakness He is strong. You feel the strength take place of the fear. No matter how slight at the moment you know that the strength will wipe it all away. The Burden Carrier lifts you onto His shoulders. Into His arms and cries with you. Holds you close. You shake due to the fear. When will those cold, dark, slithering hands work their way back into your heart? Clinging to the Fathers love you know that is the only thing that will get you through and you hold onto that for dear life.
Calmness overcomes you. You step into the light in the midst of the storm and you believe that it will pass. That this too will end. He will give you what you need when you need it. Feeling the battle rage within you, you have the faith deep down in your heart for the One who will pull you back to His shore. When you feel so lost and alone you just look and you can see the hand that is strong enough to hold you up when you feel weighed down by the world. The hand that pulls you to your feet to keep the battle going. The hand that places your armor back on. Bruised and worn armor but none the less the thing that will protect you when those arrows and fears try to take hold again.
Reaching to the only one who can keep you safe you cry out. Knowing that this too will end. Not sure when exactly, but in your heart you know that He has a reason for it all. The battle continues. The cries can be heard from far away.
Wait, what is that?
Hear it?
It is the cry of victory. Off in the distance amongst the sounds of the arrows bouncing off your armor and those that surround you for the fight. What a beautiful sound. The battle cries are diminished by the sweet sound of the victory song. The sweet embrace of the Love that will pull you through. Just believe in that Love. He is there. He is the safe spot in the storm. The only protector that can pull you through and hold you up. Feel the arms surround you and remember them. The Light is so much stronger then the dark. Feel it's security wrap itself around you to hold you and never let go. Even when you feel He is not there, wait for the whisper. It is beautiful. It is full of hope and promise. It is your Father. The protector of His loved ones. Of His children.
Friday, March 03, 2006
Angries
A fellow blogger, Radlife, had used that as a title back in January. I remember upon the first time reading it I kinda chuckled at the title itself. Made sense. A good way to describe something.
For the last couple of days I have had this case of the angries. I can't tell you if I have just skipped all other emotions or not cause the anger one just seems more appropriate then most.
Now is when I try to figure out who or what I am angry at. Although I can't say with absolute certainty I think I know one of them that I am angry at. God forgive me, but I am angry at Him. At least I think I am. That is what I feel. I feel a part of me break even as I type that. I tell myself that it isn't true. I don't want to upset Him and the last thing I want is to be mad, or angry, at the One who has given us many blessings amongst all the crap. He has blessed us, incredibly and for that I am very, very grateful. I just feel so angry cause I really wish I knew why these things were happening. What am I expected to get out of this? How many more times will one more thing feel like it is crashing around me into pieces so small that there is no hope to ever put them back together. In my heart I know that He is the one that will help put it back together and that those pieces aren't too small for Him. Like I said, God forgive me.
I remember over a year ago just yelling up at the sky, saying: "Are You happy? Am I just a pawn in Your little game?" Part of me feels like yelling again but I won't. I think I am afraid to admit that I am angry with Him, if that is the real emotion, because what would my consequence be, if any. I am just not so sure that I can handle anymore consequences.
Then there is me. I am mad at myself. I get so stressed out and it scares me. I worry about the baby. It isn't good for me to be stressed and therefore it definitely isn't good for the baby. What kind of pressure and I putting on this little one? Before he is born at that. I love this baby so much and I would do anything for him already. I thank God for him all the time. I just pray that he comes into this world healthy. I try to put on the mask and not let the stress show. Not let it come out. If I just try to ignore it maybe it will go away but it just doesn't seem to be the case. No one needs to see me stressed. No one needs to know. So I try so hard to hold it in. A few of my friends though have been on the receiving end of me needing to just talk it out. Sometimes, well most of the time I feel selfish doing it. "Be a big girl", a voice tells me, "no one wants to hear your problems". I feel angry that I just feel like I can't handle things anymore.
I know a time will come when all of this crap will seem like a distant memory. Like another chapter in my story book of life. I do trust the Author and now here it comes....but.....
I just hope that by admitting this I don't all of a sudden get struck with lightning or something (hehehe). That God doesn't decide, fine you're going to be angry at me just wait and see what else I have in store.
In my heart I know that things will turn around for the better and soon too. It is just so hard to see the rainbow when you are right smack dab in the middle of the storm.
Listen to me complain. Need to stop now. Need to smother it all and just keep pushing it down and ignoring it. Need to wear a mask for a while. I just hope that no one holds it against me, let alone the Creator and my Father that I really truly love so much that it hurts. Maybe that is why it hurts so bad to think that I do really feel anger with Him. Is it a just feeling? Is it selfish? What is my punishment going to be? Or is He just going to allow me to feel the anger and just lay in His arms. Even though I may kick and scream will He still just hold me tight? I hope He does.
Like I said, part of me is scared to admit the anger at Him. Admit that I feel so frustrated and spent.
Lord please forgive me. I just am feeling this emotion right now and I ask that You help me to rid that arrow and to just be in Your presence. Just to sit and enjoy where I am even in the dark. I thank You for all the wonderful blessings that You have given. Please show me the rainbow at the end of the storm. I really do love You. Forgive me Father.
For the last couple of days I have had this case of the angries. I can't tell you if I have just skipped all other emotions or not cause the anger one just seems more appropriate then most.
Now is when I try to figure out who or what I am angry at. Although I can't say with absolute certainty I think I know one of them that I am angry at. God forgive me, but I am angry at Him. At least I think I am. That is what I feel. I feel a part of me break even as I type that. I tell myself that it isn't true. I don't want to upset Him and the last thing I want is to be mad, or angry, at the One who has given us many blessings amongst all the crap. He has blessed us, incredibly and for that I am very, very grateful. I just feel so angry cause I really wish I knew why these things were happening. What am I expected to get out of this? How many more times will one more thing feel like it is crashing around me into pieces so small that there is no hope to ever put them back together. In my heart I know that He is the one that will help put it back together and that those pieces aren't too small for Him. Like I said, God forgive me.
I remember over a year ago just yelling up at the sky, saying: "Are You happy? Am I just a pawn in Your little game?" Part of me feels like yelling again but I won't. I think I am afraid to admit that I am angry with Him, if that is the real emotion, because what would my consequence be, if any. I am just not so sure that I can handle anymore consequences.
Then there is me. I am mad at myself. I get so stressed out and it scares me. I worry about the baby. It isn't good for me to be stressed and therefore it definitely isn't good for the baby. What kind of pressure and I putting on this little one? Before he is born at that. I love this baby so much and I would do anything for him already. I thank God for him all the time. I just pray that he comes into this world healthy. I try to put on the mask and not let the stress show. Not let it come out. If I just try to ignore it maybe it will go away but it just doesn't seem to be the case. No one needs to see me stressed. No one needs to know. So I try so hard to hold it in. A few of my friends though have been on the receiving end of me needing to just talk it out. Sometimes, well most of the time I feel selfish doing it. "Be a big girl", a voice tells me, "no one wants to hear your problems". I feel angry that I just feel like I can't handle things anymore.
I know a time will come when all of this crap will seem like a distant memory. Like another chapter in my story book of life. I do trust the Author and now here it comes....but.....
I just hope that by admitting this I don't all of a sudden get struck with lightning or something (hehehe). That God doesn't decide, fine you're going to be angry at me just wait and see what else I have in store.
In my heart I know that things will turn around for the better and soon too. It is just so hard to see the rainbow when you are right smack dab in the middle of the storm.
Listen to me complain. Need to stop now. Need to smother it all and just keep pushing it down and ignoring it. Need to wear a mask for a while. I just hope that no one holds it against me, let alone the Creator and my Father that I really truly love so much that it hurts. Maybe that is why it hurts so bad to think that I do really feel anger with Him. Is it a just feeling? Is it selfish? What is my punishment going to be? Or is He just going to allow me to feel the anger and just lay in His arms. Even though I may kick and scream will He still just hold me tight? I hope He does.
Like I said, part of me is scared to admit the anger at Him. Admit that I feel so frustrated and spent.
Lord please forgive me. I just am feeling this emotion right now and I ask that You help me to rid that arrow and to just be in Your presence. Just to sit and enjoy where I am even in the dark. I thank You for all the wonderful blessings that You have given. Please show me the rainbow at the end of the storm. I really do love You. Forgive me Father.
Thursday, March 02, 2006
What the heck was that!
This morning I woke myself up by screaming and clutching my leg. It took me only a second to realize what was going on as I cried and rolled. My left leg for some reason decided to seize. Right from the base of my heel right up the calf muscle to just below my knee. I couldn't move. It woke Phil too. As you can imagine a screaming person waking almost anyone. So I clutched my leg and Phil tried to grab it. He kept telling me to relax. I couldn't, I tried. The pain was incredible. He eventually got me to relax enough that he could touch it and try to massage it out.
He worked on it for what seemed like forever. Every touch sent a single to my brain that made me cry out. Thankfully though he didn't give up. He massaged it out to the point that it finally didn't hurt so bad and I was calming down. I felt bad for the poor guy. He had another half hour to sleep before he went to work (yes, so far he has work today) and here is a crazy woman next to him just yelling.
It is still pretty painful and I am trying to do stretches to help it. But man! What was that all about! Wonder why I all of a sudden woke up with it. Man! Throbbing still. I can barely walk or lay down. I think I am going to put some heat on it. I just am curious as to what would have caused that and what I can do to make sure it won't happen again. Anyone know??
He worked on it for what seemed like forever. Every touch sent a single to my brain that made me cry out. Thankfully though he didn't give up. He massaged it out to the point that it finally didn't hurt so bad and I was calming down. I felt bad for the poor guy. He had another half hour to sleep before he went to work (yes, so far he has work today) and here is a crazy woman next to him just yelling.
It is still pretty painful and I am trying to do stretches to help it. But man! What was that all about! Wonder why I all of a sudden woke up with it. Man! Throbbing still. I can barely walk or lay down. I think I am going to put some heat on it. I just am curious as to what would have caused that and what I can do to make sure it won't happen again. Anyone know??
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