Angries

A fellow blogger, Radlife, had used that as a title back in January. I remember upon the first time reading it I kinda chuckled at the title itself. Made sense. A good way to describe something.
For the last couple of days I have had this case of the angries. I can't tell you if I have just skipped all other emotions or not cause the anger one just seems more appropriate then most.
Now is when I try to figure out who or what I am angry at. Although I can't say with absolute certainty I think I know one of them that I am angry at. God forgive me, but I am angry at Him. At least I think I am. That is what I feel. I feel a part of me break even as I type that. I tell myself that it isn't true. I don't want to upset Him and the last thing I want is to be mad, or angry, at the One who has given us many blessings amongst all the crap. He has blessed us, incredibly and for that I am very, very grateful. I just feel so angry cause I really wish I knew why these things were happening. What am I expected to get out of this? How many more times will one more thing feel like it is crashing around me into pieces so small that there is no hope to ever put them back together. In my heart I know that He is the one that will help put it back together and that those pieces aren't too small for Him. Like I said, God forgive me.
I remember over a year ago just yelling up at the sky, saying: "Are You happy? Am I just a pawn in Your little game?" Part of me feels like yelling again but I won't. I think I am afraid to admit that I am angry with Him, if that is the real emotion, because what would my consequence be, if any. I am just not so sure that I can handle anymore consequences.
Then there is me. I am mad at myself. I get so stressed out and it scares me. I worry about the baby. It isn't good for me to be stressed and therefore it definitely isn't good for the baby. What kind of pressure and I putting on this little one? Before he is born at that. I love this baby so much and I would do anything for him already. I thank God for him all the time. I just pray that he comes into this world healthy. I try to put on the mask and not let the stress show. Not let it come out. If I just try to ignore it maybe it will go away but it just doesn't seem to be the case. No one needs to see me stressed. No one needs to know. So I try so hard to hold it in. A few of my friends though have been on the receiving end of me needing to just talk it out. Sometimes, well most of the time I feel selfish doing it. "Be a big girl", a voice tells me, "no one wants to hear your problems". I feel angry that I just feel like I can't handle things anymore.
I know a time will come when all of this crap will seem like a distant memory. Like another chapter in my story book of life. I do trust the Author and now here it comes....but.....
I just hope that by admitting this I don't all of a sudden get struck with lightning or something (hehehe). That God doesn't decide, fine you're going to be angry at me just wait and see what else I have in store.
In my heart I know that things will turn around for the better and soon too. It is just so hard to see the rainbow when you are right smack dab in the middle of the storm.
Listen to me complain. Need to stop now. Need to smother it all and just keep pushing it down and ignoring it. Need to wear a mask for a while. I just hope that no one holds it against me, let alone the Creator and my Father that I really truly love so much that it hurts. Maybe that is why it hurts so bad to think that I do really feel anger with Him. Is it a just feeling? Is it selfish? What is my punishment going to be? Or is He just going to allow me to feel the anger and just lay in His arms. Even though I may kick and scream will He still just hold me tight? I hope He does.
Like I said, part of me is scared to admit the anger at Him. Admit that I feel so frustrated and spent.

Lord please forgive me. I just am feeling this emotion right now and I ask that You help me to rid that arrow and to just be in Your presence. Just to sit and enjoy where I am even in the dark. I thank You for all the wonderful blessings that You have given. Please show me the rainbow at the end of the storm. I really do love You. Forgive me Father.