A Father's Mercy.

I think that although I cannot put it into words, I may be learning and understanding what the word mercy means. I have never really been one to give the exact meaning of something because I don't want to look foolish. I don't want to look like I am an idiot if I explain it wrong so I try to use my life experiences to show what I think I understand.
I think that I have been shown the mercy of our Father. Here I am mad at God. Angry at the circumstances. Angry that, as of yet, Phil still has no work. It's frustrating and I get angry because I just want to know how the heck He expects us to get through this all. I know that I am not the only one who has been in these types of situations but still I feel angry. I am not looking for pity. This is just where I am at.
I was afraid to admit it to Him. Afraid of the consequences. Afraid to admit that I still feel that anger. Afraid of what my punishment might be. You know growing up it was not ok to be mad at your parents without getting sent to your room or yelled at. My Father in Heaven is so different.
So here I am mad at Him and just frustrated with everything. Then I hear Him. First of all yesterday it started with a new song out by Gary Allan called "Life ain't always Beautiful." (I am sure I will post if but we will see how far I get here). Then I went to church. Blessed by a friend from church. Confused as to what I did to deserve it. I was mad at God but here He is blessing us. A merciful God. Then not to mention the songs we sung and even the topic of the sermon and the message that I received out of it. Had been praising and thanking Him all day.
So here I am blubbering like a baby all morning. Not sure if it is the last few weeks of the pregnancy hormones but everything seemed to hit me. I am not going to lie. I still feel anger but at the same time I think it just may be frustration. I still feel panicked and worry about what it may do to the baby. Restless nights. Quick to cry. I will go from one extreme to the next. Sounds like hormones to me. It is just everything all at once and for some reason there is a part of me that can't let it go. Believe me, I have tried giving it over to God. I would say that it is not that I don't trust Him but it must be. Or else it would be easier.
Just the way that God came to me yesterday just blew me away. Made me weak and cry out to Him. Literally. I kept asking for forgiveness for being so angry. For not just leaving it in His hands. But He just showed me His mercy. Now there really is no greater Father then that. He showed me His love. His endless love. His patience.
Not sure where things are going to go and it scares me. I wish I could honestly say that I am handing it over to God but part of me I guess shows disrespect to Him because before I even realize what is going on I am thinking again.
Today I am going to focus on those blessings. I am going to focus on the great things He has given us. I am going to try my hardest to fully hand it over to Him. To completely trust Him. I need help. He will help me. Now that is a mercy that is so big it knocks me to my knees.
I guess I will post the song here. I think that Gary Allan may be talking about a woman but can you see where it just seems to appropriately fit? I can think of it as missing God's smile. It is only the one verse but the rest of the song hits the nail on the head....

Life Ain't Always Beautiful

Life ain't always beautiful
Sometimes it's just plain hard
life can knock you down, it can break your heart
Life ain't always beautiful
You think you're on your way
And it's just a dead end road at the end of the day.

Chorus:
But the struggles make you stronger
And the changes make you wise
And happiness has it's own way of taking it's own sweet time
No, life ain't always beautiful
Tears will fall sometimes
Life ain't always beautiful but it's a beautiful ride.

Life ain't always beautiful
Some days I miss your smile
I get tired of walking all these lonely miles
And wish for just one minute that I could see your pretty face
Yes, I can dream but life don't work that way.

Chorus:
The struggles make me stronger
And the changes make me wise
And happiness has it's own way of taking it's sweet time
No, life ain't always beautiful
But I know I'll be fine
Life ain't always beautiful, but it's a beautiful ride.

What a beautiful ride...