Not deserving

As most of you may know I have been very stressed and worried lately. I have been angry and frustrated at God. This is the thing: although I am angry He keeps blessing us. I just am so amazed and don't get it on so many levels. How can He bless us while I am sitting there telling Him how angry and frustrated I feel?
With the blessings He has been giving to us we are getting closer to being able to make it. Much closer then we thought. I am so grateful.
Went to the Heartbeat of NH last night. It is a night where the community of NH gets together for prayer. For fellowship. For worship. In the midst of this night my husband and I were blessed. I didn't want to go. Kept fighting it. Didn't want to cry or break down as I have been on the verge of that for a few weeks now. I cried. I broke down but I realized that is where I needed to be. I needed to let myself feel. Now back to the daily grind, to stuff it away but there was a moment of healing.
On the way home I said to a friend, I don't deserve this. She responded with something along the lines of: No you don't. None of us do. But it is by the grace and mercy of God that we, that you, have. (those aren't the exact words but they are the ones that come to my head as I sit here and type this. Hope I wasn't too far off.)
I don't deserve it. We don't deserve it. God gives it to us still. We are His children and He is providing for us. That I am thankful for. He doesn't punish me because I feel, because I have the emotions. He just continues to love me and provide for us. It blows me out of the water. Makes me want to drop to my knees. I am so not worthy in my own eyes. However, in His eyes I am. Now, who can ask for a better Father, a better Savior then that?
I know that I feel the healing begin. I actually see it through the church as well, but that is another blog. I know that there are going to be days that I feel angry. The ones that feel like they aren't going to end. The ones that feel like everything just hit the fan again. I just hope that in those minutes, hours, days or months of darkness I will remember this moment. The moments in which I feel loved. The moments in which I realized I am a part of a bigger community. That I am a part of my NH family. That God gave me that family. That family looks out for one another and if it wasn't for the family that God has blessed us with I don't know what I would do.
God is moving. I just want to keep feeling His presence, His love, His mercy and His grace. Like I said I am not worthy. I don't deserve it. To God though I am and I do.
Kinda makes the road a little more bearable. A little less bumpy. The journey continues, but today I have a smile on my face, I have hope in my heart and I just want to take it all in.