Saturday, April 30, 2005
God's speaking..... Still
Last night I was at the church office. I was tidying up before people arrived and I found a slip of paper. I think that God wanted to affirm something with me. It reads:
"Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you." Col. 3:13
I know that God was saying something here. Forgiveness is only one of the many battles I am fighting and I am not the only one fighting with it. So many people I see in my life are doing the same thing. Forgiveness is so hard for me to do. It just takes an instance to remind you. It takes one think to make you never want to give that person your forgiveness. Then I got this slip of paper.
Made me think, it's not my place to decide whether or not someone deserves forgiveness. God forgives me and everything I do, so why not be more like God? Jesus died for us and all our sins past, present and future. We have been forgiven. We are given His grace. How cool is that? Time for me to work on the forgiveness things. Time for me to let God work within me and through me without doubting that He knows what He is doing. I know that it won't happen over night but it is time. Time to forgive.
"Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you." Col. 3:13
I know that God was saying something here. Forgiveness is only one of the many battles I am fighting and I am not the only one fighting with it. So many people I see in my life are doing the same thing. Forgiveness is so hard for me to do. It just takes an instance to remind you. It takes one think to make you never want to give that person your forgiveness. Then I got this slip of paper.
Made me think, it's not my place to decide whether or not someone deserves forgiveness. God forgives me and everything I do, so why not be more like God? Jesus died for us and all our sins past, present and future. We have been forgiven. We are given His grace. How cool is that? Time for me to work on the forgiveness things. Time for me to let God work within me and through me without doubting that He knows what He is doing. I know that it won't happen over night but it is time. Time to forgive.
Thursday, April 28, 2005
MRI
I had my MRI today for my shoulder. I was soscared going in. It was just like on TV. A cylinder that you are slid into and you can't move. I was trying to control my breathing and of course when you do that it only gets worse.
I prayed.
Then I felt this unbelievable sense of calmness coming over me. I felt like someone was holding my hand. I knew that God was with me and He was in control. I was surrounded by Him and His angels and it felt so cool. I was calm. The technician said that I did very well. I didn't do it on my own.
God sure is our strength and comfort when we are so scared. What a wonderful moment that showed me that He truly was there.
I prayed.
Then I felt this unbelievable sense of calmness coming over me. I felt like someone was holding my hand. I knew that God was with me and He was in control. I was surrounded by Him and His angels and it felt so cool. I was calm. The technician said that I did very well. I didn't do it on my own.
God sure is our strength and comfort when we are so scared. What a wonderful moment that showed me that He truly was there.
I had a dream
I had lost my pants. I have black slacks I have for work and for some reason they dissapeared. I went to bed thinking about where they could be. They had been washed but where did they go from there? This morning I talked to my husband and he said maybe the washing machine ate them. Funny. So before falling back asleep I got to wondering, where could they be. Just please let me find them. I need to find them. I didn't pray that or anything, it was just on my mind. I drifted back to sleep. I had a dream.
In my dream I pulle dout my dresser and found some CD's behind it and a hole in the wall. I woke up not getting it. Then I decided, what the heck, why don't I go look.
And Tadaaaa. There they were. Along with a sweater and a shirt that I had given up all hopes on ever finding again. I guess they slipped off my hangers. I was happy. Didn't have to buy new pants. I want a skirt. hehehe
So, was I given this dream as a guidance? I am not sure. What do you think??
In my dream I pulle dout my dresser and found some CD's behind it and a hole in the wall. I woke up not getting it. Then I decided, what the heck, why don't I go look.
And Tadaaaa. There they were. Along with a sweater and a shirt that I had given up all hopes on ever finding again. I guess they slipped off my hangers. I was happy. Didn't have to buy new pants. I want a skirt. hehehe
So, was I given this dream as a guidance? I am not sure. What do you think??
Wednesday, April 27, 2005
There's a strange man on my balcony!!
Good thing I am not sitting in front of the computer in my underwear!!!
I looked out the office window to see a man step onto my balcony. I closed the blinds right quick.
Ok.....
My building is getting pressure washed but failed to tell anyone. Really good thing I am not sitting here in my underwear, how embarassing.
I looked out the office window to see a man step onto my balcony. I closed the blinds right quick.
Ok.....
My building is getting pressure washed but failed to tell anyone. Really good thing I am not sitting here in my underwear, how embarassing.
Tuesday, April 26, 2005
Judging
You know, there is one thing in this world that I can truly say that I hate. It is when people judge others. I am not saying that I am perfect. I have been quilty of that. I do realize though that it is not my place to do so. It is only God's.
People make up things and they judge you on your appearance. Your clothes, your makeup (if you're a girl that wears it), your height and your gender. They will spread rumors and make you feel like crap just by the way they look at you. They will judge you on your religion.
I work in the automotive department and I don't know how many times people would look at me and think that I can't help them. They will head over to one of my male co-workers. Grrrr....
Once a gentleman that I was helping, I was still new, looked over at one of my male co-workers and asked him to help me because he thought that I didn't know what I was looking for. He kinda half-assed whispered it. Made me mad, but oh well - whatever. My co-worker looked at me and then looked at the guy and told him that I was quite capable of finding the part myself and that if I needed the help I would ask. You should have seen the guys face.
I really hate it when people judge without knowing the facts. Jump to conclusions without thinking first. Judge me because I am a Christian and just assume things about me. Whatever. You can do whatever you want. I am proud to be a Christian and if you are going to judge me because of that then there is nothing I can do except pray for you to have your eyes open to Christ or at least opened to the judging.
Stupid judgment. People really have nothing better to do with their lives than judge others? Makes me mad. I just pray that I will never be one to judge again.
People make up things and they judge you on your appearance. Your clothes, your makeup (if you're a girl that wears it), your height and your gender. They will spread rumors and make you feel like crap just by the way they look at you. They will judge you on your religion.
I work in the automotive department and I don't know how many times people would look at me and think that I can't help them. They will head over to one of my male co-workers. Grrrr....
Once a gentleman that I was helping, I was still new, looked over at one of my male co-workers and asked him to help me because he thought that I didn't know what I was looking for. He kinda half-assed whispered it. Made me mad, but oh well - whatever. My co-worker looked at me and then looked at the guy and told him that I was quite capable of finding the part myself and that if I needed the help I would ask. You should have seen the guys face.
I really hate it when people judge without knowing the facts. Jump to conclusions without thinking first. Judge me because I am a Christian and just assume things about me. Whatever. You can do whatever you want. I am proud to be a Christian and if you are going to judge me because of that then there is nothing I can do except pray for you to have your eyes open to Christ or at least opened to the judging.
Stupid judgment. People really have nothing better to do with their lives than judge others? Makes me mad. I just pray that I will never be one to judge again.
Monday, April 25, 2005
Our Daily Bread
"All faithful saints who walk with God
Through weakness learn to trust His Word;
They are not immune to pain or tears,
But learn to rise above their fears."
Through weakness learn to trust His Word;
They are not immune to pain or tears,
But learn to rise above their fears."
Needed to read that one!! The insecurity blanket wraps so tightly around me and holds me in. The darkness engulfs me to no end. It is time to grab that hand and be led out. It is time to surround myself with God. We are all saints aren't we?
Just goes to prove to me that as usual God's timing is perfect. Back and forth, Back and forth. I wish I didn't second guess. It is a battle. I want God to win. Time to let Him. What a good way to start the day.
Sunday, April 24, 2005
So much easier
How is it that you work so hard at developing your faith and growing in your believes and then it just takes a couple bad weeks to make you question?
It is so darn easy to let the thoughts enter your mind that you are not good enough and that you are not worthy. It is so hard to grasp onto the truth and not let go. All it takes is one bad phone call, a bad day at work, a bad week or just even a weak moment to make you question.
The last couple of weeks seem to be taking their toll on me. I try so hard to keep a firm grasp but yet I feel it all slipping away. I know that it is not God slipping from me. It is me slipping from myself. Letting Satan play on the insecure thoughts. Letting him make me question and doubt. Then all it takes is for me to yell at Satan to just leave me alone. I was driving one night and I yelled it at the top of my lungs. Crazy I know but at least people weren't around to see that.
Sometimes I think I understand when it is Satan or is it my thoughts that are just playing on my mind. The spiritual battle continues. Fighting so hard and feeling so weak. Feeling abandoned and hopeless. So much easier and simpler to just let go and hand in the white flag than struggle to hang on. Life is so much more beneficial if you are able to keep a firm grasp and let God help you to understand. I do know that it will be, and is, worth the struggle. Just sometimes it is so hard to see that.
Talk to God. Yep, I try. It's hard. He knows what is on my heart already so why do I need to verbally communicate it? So that I can hear myself say it? The tears feel like they are full of pain and regret. I bleed within my soul. I pray that my soul doesn't get damaged and that the Holy Spirit won't leave me. I fight it all. How can I help others when I let this in? Because I understand? I feel their hurt and I feel my own.
It really hurts to let go of the good and let the bad win and control. So hard to let those brain patterns change. You've been that way since you were little. It's just so much easier to give in. Whatever, I would say to myself and try to go on. Forget about it. I'm fine. Why do we lie? Why do I question Him? I want all of Jesus within me. I want only God within my soul. Yet it is so much easier to sit within the darkness and be by myself than it is to let those walls be torn down. Crazy I know but it's been a rough couple weeks. I know, I know, I, Misty, am strong in the Lord. Why do I not feel it?
God help me to fight for you.
It is so darn easy to let the thoughts enter your mind that you are not good enough and that you are not worthy. It is so hard to grasp onto the truth and not let go. All it takes is one bad phone call, a bad day at work, a bad week or just even a weak moment to make you question.
The last couple of weeks seem to be taking their toll on me. I try so hard to keep a firm grasp but yet I feel it all slipping away. I know that it is not God slipping from me. It is me slipping from myself. Letting Satan play on the insecure thoughts. Letting him make me question and doubt. Then all it takes is for me to yell at Satan to just leave me alone. I was driving one night and I yelled it at the top of my lungs. Crazy I know but at least people weren't around to see that.
Sometimes I think I understand when it is Satan or is it my thoughts that are just playing on my mind. The spiritual battle continues. Fighting so hard and feeling so weak. Feeling abandoned and hopeless. So much easier and simpler to just let go and hand in the white flag than struggle to hang on. Life is so much more beneficial if you are able to keep a firm grasp and let God help you to understand. I do know that it will be, and is, worth the struggle. Just sometimes it is so hard to see that.
Talk to God. Yep, I try. It's hard. He knows what is on my heart already so why do I need to verbally communicate it? So that I can hear myself say it? The tears feel like they are full of pain and regret. I bleed within my soul. I pray that my soul doesn't get damaged and that the Holy Spirit won't leave me. I fight it all. How can I help others when I let this in? Because I understand? I feel their hurt and I feel my own.
It really hurts to let go of the good and let the bad win and control. So hard to let those brain patterns change. You've been that way since you were little. It's just so much easier to give in. Whatever, I would say to myself and try to go on. Forget about it. I'm fine. Why do we lie? Why do I question Him? I want all of Jesus within me. I want only God within my soul. Yet it is so much easier to sit within the darkness and be by myself than it is to let those walls be torn down. Crazy I know but it's been a rough couple weeks. I know, I know, I, Misty, am strong in the Lord. Why do I not feel it?
God help me to fight for you.
Saturday, April 23, 2005
I still don't get it
Ok God. What are you trying to say here? It's like He keeps telling me to talk. To discuss what is on my heart and I still fight. Makes Him sad I know, but yet here I am stubborn as a mule. Resisting, clinging and fighting. Why do I keep thinking about things or hearing about it? Why can't I be left alone to hide in my own little dark corner? Why can't it just go away, unresolved? Why can't it just be done with even though I am doing nothing about it. It hurts too much. It has been in my heart long enough so why does it keep resurfacing now?
I sit here hiding. Scared and feeling so lost and alone. I look all around and see nothing but black empty space. Then all of a sudden into my dark little whole, through my nice strong brick wall appears a hand. Gesturing for me to trust. Gesturing for me to take it and understand. The light in the darkness. Yet I don't move. I sit and contemplate about the consequences if I were to take that hand and allow myself to come away from the wall. To remove the mask. To come out of the dark. Yet what were to happen if I thought about the consequences of not grabbing that hand....
Don't get me wrong here. I am still enjoying my life and journey in Christ. I would never go back but yet I am the one that is restricting progress. Why?
I have been the type of person that can always have my facial expressions give me away. I will be all happy and go lucky then I would be asked what's wrong. When I respond with nothing, why I am told that my eyes look sad. They do? Darn it! Something always gives me away. My mask feels like it is so thick and heavy. The constant smile and the games. The constant thoughts sitting right in the fore front of my brain. The mask is good at hiding the real feelings I feel. Hiding the truth.
God has worked so faithfully and strong within me. Yet I sit and struggle due to my own free will. That's ok though. I don't have enough time to sit and think about it, except for now. I like that. If I keep myself busy it will go away right? Yet someone has something to say that will bring it to the fore front again. I smile and say fine. I hurt inside. My dark quiet place seems to be a comfort. It seems to pull me in and make me believe that it will be fine if I just stay there and I ignore the feelings that surface. I ignore what is being put onto my heart. Then I feel a paing of guilt. If I ignore those then am I ignoring God? Does He want this all done and over with as much as I do? Does He think it is time to let go even though I tell myself that it is not? I tell myself that I have to hang on. What would happen if I just quit fighting it? Failing. Then I would feel like I failed myself and so many others. Been there, done that so I don't want to do it again. So rather than dealing I fight. I won't lose again!! God will help me win. Just not the way I think I want to.
God made me the way I am and who I am. I just wish sometimes that I knew who that was. Why does she always fight? Don't want to fail. Why is she so stubborn? Why do I know that I love God so fully yet I still fight. I still resist. I still don't get it.
I sit here hiding. Scared and feeling so lost and alone. I look all around and see nothing but black empty space. Then all of a sudden into my dark little whole, through my nice strong brick wall appears a hand. Gesturing for me to trust. Gesturing for me to take it and understand. The light in the darkness. Yet I don't move. I sit and contemplate about the consequences if I were to take that hand and allow myself to come away from the wall. To remove the mask. To come out of the dark. Yet what were to happen if I thought about the consequences of not grabbing that hand....
Don't get me wrong here. I am still enjoying my life and journey in Christ. I would never go back but yet I am the one that is restricting progress. Why?
I have been the type of person that can always have my facial expressions give me away. I will be all happy and go lucky then I would be asked what's wrong. When I respond with nothing, why I am told that my eyes look sad. They do? Darn it! Something always gives me away. My mask feels like it is so thick and heavy. The constant smile and the games. The constant thoughts sitting right in the fore front of my brain. The mask is good at hiding the real feelings I feel. Hiding the truth.
God has worked so faithfully and strong within me. Yet I sit and struggle due to my own free will. That's ok though. I don't have enough time to sit and think about it, except for now. I like that. If I keep myself busy it will go away right? Yet someone has something to say that will bring it to the fore front again. I smile and say fine. I hurt inside. My dark quiet place seems to be a comfort. It seems to pull me in and make me believe that it will be fine if I just stay there and I ignore the feelings that surface. I ignore what is being put onto my heart. Then I feel a paing of guilt. If I ignore those then am I ignoring God? Does He want this all done and over with as much as I do? Does He think it is time to let go even though I tell myself that it is not? I tell myself that I have to hang on. What would happen if I just quit fighting it? Failing. Then I would feel like I failed myself and so many others. Been there, done that so I don't want to do it again. So rather than dealing I fight. I won't lose again!! God will help me win. Just not the way I think I want to.
God made me the way I am and who I am. I just wish sometimes that I knew who that was. Why does she always fight? Don't want to fail. Why is she so stubborn? Why do I know that I love God so fully yet I still fight. I still resist. I still don't get it.
Friday, April 22, 2005
Is it possible....
to go blind from cutting too many onions!?!?!! I just finished cutting three 3lb bags of onions. Thank God for food processors. I still had to do the skinning and the initial cut though. No wonder no one jumped at the chance to do them this year.
I had volunteered to cut them up for the hot dogs for the Duke Harris Memorial Garage sale for this weekend. Hey, by the way don't forget about it!! At the church office.
Time for a long shower to get rid of the onion smell. ewww.....
I had volunteered to cut them up for the hot dogs for the Duke Harris Memorial Garage sale for this weekend. Hey, by the way don't forget about it!! At the church office.
Time for a long shower to get rid of the onion smell. ewww.....
Wednesday, April 20, 2005
Hurt
Just when I thought that I was winning God reminds me who is in control. Just when I thought that I was succeeding God tells me that it will all be revealed in time. Crap.
So I am a very stubborn person and when I decide not to do something that is it. Done and over with, no more even thinking about it. I guess though that God is WAY more stubborn than I am. He sends me a reminder that even though I have decided not to deal with something that He thinks it is time. Then it is time for me to realize what God wants. I realize it but I just don't want to admit it.
It hurts knowing that I tell God that I love Him and I trust Him yet here I am practically throwing that all at Him just because I won't trust Him and just let it all happen. Let God take control. It's almost feels like I am turning around and "slapping Him in the face". I trust you but not with this. It hurts to know that this upsets Him.
My darn stubborn nature tells me that I need to live with the hurt and the pain. That I don't deserve to let it go and that I deserve to punish myself. So I throw up the wall that I have been trying so hard to climb over. Put on the mask that was so comfortable. I am asked if I am ok and the usual response of being fine comes out. I am breaking inside. I want to run. I want to plug my ears and just not listen. I want to hide. I can't run or hide no matter how hard I try. He sends someone to find me.
My insecurity blanket gets wrapped back around me and I allow it. I allow it to cover me and keep me in my own little world that I thought was so safe. Things come into my head that I have worked so hard at pushing away, so hard at trying to forget. It just takes one instance and the STUPID tears start to fall. Why oh God, do I keep hearing it? Why does it feel like You just won't let it be?
It's time that I realize that it is me that needs to let it be. It is me that needs to let it go. Time to let God take over and not be so darn stubborn. Time to rip down the walls, not just climb over them and then when it gets tough just go right back down. It's time I let this hurt go.
Lord, help me to be released from this all. Help me to forgive myself like you so willingly do for me. I love you Lord and I am sorry that I am stubborn and I won't let it go. Please help me to understand that Your timing is perfect and that if it needs to be done for me to do it. Please help me to lessen the hurt. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.
So I am a very stubborn person and when I decide not to do something that is it. Done and over with, no more even thinking about it. I guess though that God is WAY more stubborn than I am. He sends me a reminder that even though I have decided not to deal with something that He thinks it is time. Then it is time for me to realize what God wants. I realize it but I just don't want to admit it.
It hurts knowing that I tell God that I love Him and I trust Him yet here I am practically throwing that all at Him just because I won't trust Him and just let it all happen. Let God take control. It's almost feels like I am turning around and "slapping Him in the face". I trust you but not with this. It hurts to know that this upsets Him.
My darn stubborn nature tells me that I need to live with the hurt and the pain. That I don't deserve to let it go and that I deserve to punish myself. So I throw up the wall that I have been trying so hard to climb over. Put on the mask that was so comfortable. I am asked if I am ok and the usual response of being fine comes out. I am breaking inside. I want to run. I want to plug my ears and just not listen. I want to hide. I can't run or hide no matter how hard I try. He sends someone to find me.
My insecurity blanket gets wrapped back around me and I allow it. I allow it to cover me and keep me in my own little world that I thought was so safe. Things come into my head that I have worked so hard at pushing away, so hard at trying to forget. It just takes one instance and the STUPID tears start to fall. Why oh God, do I keep hearing it? Why does it feel like You just won't let it be?
It's time that I realize that it is me that needs to let it be. It is me that needs to let it go. Time to let God take over and not be so darn stubborn. Time to rip down the walls, not just climb over them and then when it gets tough just go right back down. It's time I let this hurt go.
Lord, help me to be released from this all. Help me to forgive myself like you so willingly do for me. I love you Lord and I am sorry that I am stubborn and I won't let it go. Please help me to understand that Your timing is perfect and that if it needs to be done for me to do it. Please help me to lessen the hurt. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.
Monday, April 18, 2005
What a great feeling
Had something on my mind the last couple of days.
A while back I posted a blog about wondering if anyone would go to my funeral. I posted that because I found out that I am not the only one that thinks that way. I wonder if I would be missed. I wonder if people would even notice that I was gone. Those are pretty deep thoughts and feelings that I have been having ever since I could remember.
Recently I found out something pretty cool.
I do matter. I am loved.
I have been told that before but it's like Satan is getting a big amount of pleasure out of making me forget that. He takes pleasure in making me doubt. He likes to toy with me and make me forget the encouragement that so many have given me. He makes me forget the love and the thoughts that are read to me. Making me think that I am miniscule and that no one would miss me. That no one would care. (At least I believe it is Satan, I may be wrong but what I feel is what I feel.) Funny how he tries to have a strong hold over such things. He was winning at that for a LONG time. Not anymore. God has come through with a vengeance. God is winning.
I have friends that are telling me that I am important. Making me feel like I am remembered and loved. They do little things for me that make me realize that someone cares. It's a big deal for me. It sounds so trivial but it makes me smile just knowing that my friends are there for me and that they are thinking about me and supporting me all the time.
Then I start to wonder if they know who they are. Then I try to stop myself. They must know. I return the same love that they show me. Yesterday I had a friend that gave me something that, to me, is very special. It made me want to cry. In the midst of everything she was doing and that she was going through she still remembered me. She still thought of me.
God lets people know that they are loved. He lets them know on some sort of a level that people are praying for you. I am so loved by so many people and it feels so awesome. It's like each person that gives me the love and the friendship helps me on this journey. It makes me realize how great and "how wide is the love of Christ...."
Thank you God for opening my eyes to that. Thank you.
A while back I posted a blog about wondering if anyone would go to my funeral. I posted that because I found out that I am not the only one that thinks that way. I wonder if I would be missed. I wonder if people would even notice that I was gone. Those are pretty deep thoughts and feelings that I have been having ever since I could remember.
Recently I found out something pretty cool.
I do matter. I am loved.
I have been told that before but it's like Satan is getting a big amount of pleasure out of making me forget that. He takes pleasure in making me doubt. He likes to toy with me and make me forget the encouragement that so many have given me. He makes me forget the love and the thoughts that are read to me. Making me think that I am miniscule and that no one would miss me. That no one would care. (At least I believe it is Satan, I may be wrong but what I feel is what I feel.) Funny how he tries to have a strong hold over such things. He was winning at that for a LONG time. Not anymore. God has come through with a vengeance. God is winning.
I have friends that are telling me that I am important. Making me feel like I am remembered and loved. They do little things for me that make me realize that someone cares. It's a big deal for me. It sounds so trivial but it makes me smile just knowing that my friends are there for me and that they are thinking about me and supporting me all the time.
Then I start to wonder if they know who they are. Then I try to stop myself. They must know. I return the same love that they show me. Yesterday I had a friend that gave me something that, to me, is very special. It made me want to cry. In the midst of everything she was doing and that she was going through she still remembered me. She still thought of me.
God lets people know that they are loved. He lets them know on some sort of a level that people are praying for you. I am so loved by so many people and it feels so awesome. It's like each person that gives me the love and the friendship helps me on this journey. It makes me realize how great and "how wide is the love of Christ...."
Thank you God for opening my eyes to that. Thank you.
Sunday, April 17, 2005
The Bright Side
A little girl walked to and from school daily. Though the weather that morning was questionable and clouds were forming, she made her daily trek to the elementary school.
As the afternoon progressed, the winds whipped up, along with thunder and lightning. The mother of the little girl felt concerned that her daughter would be frightened as she walked home from school and she herself feared that the electrical storm might harm her child.
Following the roar of thunder, lightning, like a flaming sword, would cut through the sky. Full of concern, the mother quickly got into her car and drove along the route to her child's school.
As she did so, she saw her little girl walking along, but at each flash of lightning, the child would stop, look up and smile. Another and another were to follow quickly and with each the little girl would look at the streak of lightning and smile.
When the mother's car drew up beside the child she lowered the window and called to her, "What are you doing? Why do you keep stopping?"
The child answered, "I am trying to look pretty. God keeps taking my picture."
May God bless you today as you face the storms that come your way.
As the afternoon progressed, the winds whipped up, along with thunder and lightning. The mother of the little girl felt concerned that her daughter would be frightened as she walked home from school and she herself feared that the electrical storm might harm her child.
Following the roar of thunder, lightning, like a flaming sword, would cut through the sky. Full of concern, the mother quickly got into her car and drove along the route to her child's school.
As she did so, she saw her little girl walking along, but at each flash of lightning, the child would stop, look up and smile. Another and another were to follow quickly and with each the little girl would look at the streak of lightning and smile.
When the mother's car drew up beside the child she lowered the window and called to her, "What are you doing? Why do you keep stopping?"
The child answered, "I am trying to look pretty. God keeps taking my picture."
May God bless you today as you face the storms that come your way.
Saturday, April 16, 2005
Now What?
My heart is aching.
I have been trying so hard to do things like forgiveness and not hurt anymore. It is hard. Then I see people I love hurting so bad. It literally brings me to my knees. It makes me cry. How can I help? What can I do God? It breaks me inside.
I can feel the pain and the hurt. I can feel the disappointment.
My old wounds that I thought were healed have been ripped wide open. It hurts as it is pulled up into my chest and I am left to feel the bleeding. I am left remembering the hurt. I am left.
I know that we are not going through things alone and that God is there to provide all the healing tools yet here we are bleeding. Resisting. Clinging.
I am on my knees God reaching to you. I am trying to understand what is going on but my feeble little mind just doesn't get it. Help me to understand. Help us to heal. My tears are pouring and my heart aches feeling all the hurt that I witness and that we go through. My chest is tight and my mind is racing.
So here I am Father on my knees, pouring my tears out to you for the hurt. But now what do I do?
I have been trying so hard to do things like forgiveness and not hurt anymore. It is hard. Then I see people I love hurting so bad. It literally brings me to my knees. It makes me cry. How can I help? What can I do God? It breaks me inside.
I can feel the pain and the hurt. I can feel the disappointment.
My old wounds that I thought were healed have been ripped wide open. It hurts as it is pulled up into my chest and I am left to feel the bleeding. I am left remembering the hurt. I am left.
I know that we are not going through things alone and that God is there to provide all the healing tools yet here we are bleeding. Resisting. Clinging.
I am on my knees God reaching to you. I am trying to understand what is going on but my feeble little mind just doesn't get it. Help me to understand. Help us to heal. My tears are pouring and my heart aches feeling all the hurt that I witness and that we go through. My chest is tight and my mind is racing.
So here I am Father on my knees, pouring my tears out to you for the hurt. But now what do I do?
Thursday, April 14, 2005
Wednesday, April 13, 2005
The cost of love
A farmer had some puppies he needed to sell. He painted a sign advertising the 4 pups. And set about nailing it to a post on the edge of his yard. As he was driving the last nail into the post, he felt a tug on his overalls. He looked down into the eyes of a little boy.
"Mister," he said, "I want to buy one of your puppies."
"Well," said the farmer, as he rubbed the sweat of the back of his neck, "These puppies come from fine parents and cost a good deal of money."
The boy dropped his head for a moment. Then reaching deep into his pocket, he pulled out a handful of change and held it up to the farmer. "I've got thirty-nine cents. Is that enough to take a look?"
"Sure," said the farmer. And with that he let out a whistle. "Here, Dolly!" he called. Out from the doghouse and down the ramp ran Dolly followed by four little balls of fur. The little boy pressed
his face against the chain link fence. His eyes danced with delight. As the dogs made their way to the fence, the little boy noticed something else stirring inside the doghouse. Slowly another little ball appeared, this one noticeably smaller. Down the ramp it slid. Then in a somewhat awkward manner, the little pup began hobbling toward the others, doing its best to catch up....
"I want that one," the little boy said, pointing to the runt.
The farmer knelt down at the boy's side and said, "Son, you don't want that puppy. He will never be able to run and play with you like these other dogs would."
With that the little boy stepped back from the fence, reached down, and began rolling up one leg of his trousers. In doing so he revealed a steel brace running down both sides of his leg attaching itself to a specially made shoe. Looking back up at the farmer, he said, "You see sir, I don't run too well myself, and he will need someone who understands."
With tears in his eyes, the farmer reached down and picked up the little pup. Holding it carefully he handed it to the little boy.
"How much?" asked the little boy.
"No charge," answered the farmer, "There's no charge for love."
"Mister," he said, "I want to buy one of your puppies."
"Well," said the farmer, as he rubbed the sweat of the back of his neck, "These puppies come from fine parents and cost a good deal of money."
The boy dropped his head for a moment. Then reaching deep into his pocket, he pulled out a handful of change and held it up to the farmer. "I've got thirty-nine cents. Is that enough to take a look?"
"Sure," said the farmer. And with that he let out a whistle. "Here, Dolly!" he called. Out from the doghouse and down the ramp ran Dolly followed by four little balls of fur. The little boy pressed
his face against the chain link fence. His eyes danced with delight. As the dogs made their way to the fence, the little boy noticed something else stirring inside the doghouse. Slowly another little ball appeared, this one noticeably smaller. Down the ramp it slid. Then in a somewhat awkward manner, the little pup began hobbling toward the others, doing its best to catch up....
"I want that one," the little boy said, pointing to the runt.
The farmer knelt down at the boy's side and said, "Son, you don't want that puppy. He will never be able to run and play with you like these other dogs would."
With that the little boy stepped back from the fence, reached down, and began rolling up one leg of his trousers. In doing so he revealed a steel brace running down both sides of his leg attaching itself to a specially made shoe. Looking back up at the farmer, he said, "You see sir, I don't run too well myself, and he will need someone who understands."
With tears in his eyes, the farmer reached down and picked up the little pup. Holding it carefully he handed it to the little boy.
"How much?" asked the little boy.
"No charge," answered the farmer, "There's no charge for love."
Tuesday, April 12, 2005
Letting Things Go
You ever notice when you are trying so hard to do something that is when you hear it the most. So many people are striving to forgive and let things go. This is when you hear it all the time.
I have heard the same thing from so many people. Forgiveness. Let it be.
Those are the two toughest things to do. I know God is there for us each step of the way but why is it still so hard? You bury things so deep that you think it is done then one day it has resurfaced. I know there are things that I need to work on but right now it is a struggle to just forgive this one person. How do you forgive someone that you had hated for 25 years. That is hard. I believe that I am only a few more steps away from it.
I have taken the steps that I thought necessary but is it now the time to finish it? I can't help but think, Did I rush it? Am I really ready? One day I just got it in my head to finish it. Is it too soon? Is holding onto that for so many years enough? Is it time to just let it be?
There is still another person that I need to work on forgiving. It is really hard though because deep down in my heart I believe that she doesn't deserve it. She deserves to live with the regrets, the hate and the disappointment. But does God see it that way? How do I let myself let it be? Doesn't she deserve to feel the pain? To have the nightmares? Hmmm.......
I layed in bed last night and after I finished praying I just wanted to cry. Of course I didn't let myself but all the hurt and pain that I am witnessing through others and myself seems to break me. I don't mind though. I am here for them as they are for me. Maybe it was wanting to cry with them. I don't know. I just wanted to cry.
Why is it that when you push everything aside you read blogs that make you think about it. You hear sermons about it and people in general are telling you it is time. Is God telling you? I see so many people growing and loving God more and more. That has to be the answer to letting things go.
I have heard the same thing from so many people. Forgiveness. Let it be.
Those are the two toughest things to do. I know God is there for us each step of the way but why is it still so hard? You bury things so deep that you think it is done then one day it has resurfaced. I know there are things that I need to work on but right now it is a struggle to just forgive this one person. How do you forgive someone that you had hated for 25 years. That is hard. I believe that I am only a few more steps away from it.
I have taken the steps that I thought necessary but is it now the time to finish it? I can't help but think, Did I rush it? Am I really ready? One day I just got it in my head to finish it. Is it too soon? Is holding onto that for so many years enough? Is it time to just let it be?
There is still another person that I need to work on forgiving. It is really hard though because deep down in my heart I believe that she doesn't deserve it. She deserves to live with the regrets, the hate and the disappointment. But does God see it that way? How do I let myself let it be? Doesn't she deserve to feel the pain? To have the nightmares? Hmmm.......
I layed in bed last night and after I finished praying I just wanted to cry. Of course I didn't let myself but all the hurt and pain that I am witnessing through others and myself seems to break me. I don't mind though. I am here for them as they are for me. Maybe it was wanting to cry with them. I don't know. I just wanted to cry.
Why is it that when you push everything aside you read blogs that make you think about it. You hear sermons about it and people in general are telling you it is time. Is God telling you? I see so many people growing and loving God more and more. That has to be the answer to letting things go.
Monday, April 11, 2005
Baptism....
I think I might be going crazy!! (nothing new there!!)
I was baptized in Hatzic Lake in 2002. I knew what was happening and I understood it. It is weird because now it seems like I truly get it. I get it so much more. Just thinking about it makes me choke up inside and sometimes on the outside. I find it so amazing. I have found out people care and that I am loved. God did this. He put these people in my path. I am thinking about getting re-baptized. I know - crazy.
I always thought of being baptized as being a new beginning in Christ. A new journey starting. So I am not starting over and I have already accepted Christ into my heart and He knows it. It just seems like now I truly understand. I want to share this with all the people that He has put into my life. I want them all to know. I know that things aren't supposed to be done to get acknowledged but only to have God know what you are doing. It's just that I feel like standing on top of the mountain and shouting it out to the world.
I would love to share this with those special people God has shown to me. Then I start thinking, do they know how special they are to me? Do they understand? Do I need to do this again. The only one I can answer is the question do I want to do this again? My answer would be yes. But is it crazy - yes. Even though I have been thinking about it for a while I think it is time to get it out of my head. It has already been done - right?
I was baptized in Hatzic Lake in 2002. I knew what was happening and I understood it. It is weird because now it seems like I truly get it. I get it so much more. Just thinking about it makes me choke up inside and sometimes on the outside. I find it so amazing. I have found out people care and that I am loved. God did this. He put these people in my path. I am thinking about getting re-baptized. I know - crazy.
I always thought of being baptized as being a new beginning in Christ. A new journey starting. So I am not starting over and I have already accepted Christ into my heart and He knows it. It just seems like now I truly understand. I want to share this with all the people that He has put into my life. I want them all to know. I know that things aren't supposed to be done to get acknowledged but only to have God know what you are doing. It's just that I feel like standing on top of the mountain and shouting it out to the world.
I would love to share this with those special people God has shown to me. Then I start thinking, do they know how special they are to me? Do they understand? Do I need to do this again. The only one I can answer is the question do I want to do this again? My answer would be yes. But is it crazy - yes. Even though I have been thinking about it for a while I think it is time to get it out of my head. It has already been done - right?
Saturday, April 09, 2005
Ever Wonder?
Erin's blog got me thinking, dangerous I know, but....
You ever wonder what people would think if you left this world? I always had dreams and thoughts where no one would even notice that I was gone. The only people at my funeral was Phil and Michelle and Rod. Now, before you go and get all truthful on me give me a second...
One night Michelle and I got to talking about this. I told her that I know that she, Rod and Phil would be there and miss me but no one else. If looks could kill!! I got "the look" from her. She asked me, "what about your family?" I said that they wouldn't care and that they would get on with their lives not even noticing. She said, that I knew that wasn't true. Then she asked, "what about your church family?" I told her, give them a week then they would forget about me. Whoa!! I bet she just wanted to smack me.
I know that none of this is true but you ever wonder why you don't believe it? Ever wonder why you get these thoughts? I remember having a dream that night after talking to Michelle and there was everyone at my funeral. I couldn't believe it. Why? Why is it so hard to believe that people care?
Also, ever wonder why we put ourselves through so much pain when we hurt? When we hurt why do we beat ourselves up about it? It's not enough that we are in pain but we have to make it hurt more and hold ourselves responsible. Then trying to give that up many years later seems so impossible. How do we get these thoughts of doubt? We always wonder if we provided enough care, if we did enough for that specific person. If we changed enough lives. If we were good enough in others eyes. We always wonder, what if. Or we think, If only...
Ever wonder why it is so important to us to know that we are making a difference or making people feel comfortable with us? Why is it so important for us to know that we matter? God loves us and we are perfect to Him. He weeps when one of His children gets lost. So why is it never good enough for us to know that God has His plans for us and that we matter to Him? That He makes us important to others for a reason.
Ever wonder? I do all the time......
You ever wonder what people would think if you left this world? I always had dreams and thoughts where no one would even notice that I was gone. The only people at my funeral was Phil and Michelle and Rod. Now, before you go and get all truthful on me give me a second...
One night Michelle and I got to talking about this. I told her that I know that she, Rod and Phil would be there and miss me but no one else. If looks could kill!! I got "the look" from her. She asked me, "what about your family?" I said that they wouldn't care and that they would get on with their lives not even noticing. She said, that I knew that wasn't true. Then she asked, "what about your church family?" I told her, give them a week then they would forget about me. Whoa!! I bet she just wanted to smack me.
I know that none of this is true but you ever wonder why you don't believe it? Ever wonder why you get these thoughts? I remember having a dream that night after talking to Michelle and there was everyone at my funeral. I couldn't believe it. Why? Why is it so hard to believe that people care?
Also, ever wonder why we put ourselves through so much pain when we hurt? When we hurt why do we beat ourselves up about it? It's not enough that we are in pain but we have to make it hurt more and hold ourselves responsible. Then trying to give that up many years later seems so impossible. How do we get these thoughts of doubt? We always wonder if we provided enough care, if we did enough for that specific person. If we changed enough lives. If we were good enough in others eyes. We always wonder, what if. Or we think, If only...
Ever wonder why it is so important to us to know that we are making a difference or making people feel comfortable with us? Why is it so important for us to know that we matter? God loves us and we are perfect to Him. He weeps when one of His children gets lost. So why is it never good enough for us to know that God has His plans for us and that we matter to Him? That He makes us important to others for a reason.
Ever wonder? I do all the time......
Thursday, April 07, 2005
Hardened Hearts
I was reading the bible and I came across the part in the old testament where God warned Moses that He would make the Pharohs heart hard against Him. (Exodus) It has made me wonder ever since reading it.
How do you reach out to someone whose heart is so hard against Christ? Do you cower in fear and not talk about it, just in case it makes them feel uncomfortable? But wouldn't that give Satan the upper hand? How do you help those that for some reason have turned away from God? How do you explain to them that even though they are suffering God knows and He wants them where they are so that they can come to Him.
I am pretty darn sure I understand the answers to these questions but I just don't know how to relay them in terms that won't make people just shut me and Him out.
I will tell people that I am a Christian without hesitation and I long for them to experience Christ and what He has done for us. Do I wait?
How do you soften a harden heart?
So I just keep praying that God will give me the guidance that I need. I want to talk about God with them, but I find myself slightly hesitate. They may not want to hear it. I guess though that the biggest thing against God is when we keep silent. How do you know when it is right to talk? I feel that it is right all the time, but am I wrong?
Lord help me to understand. Help those whose hearts are so hard against you and have them come back to your arms and your safety. In your name I pray, Amen.
How do you reach out to someone whose heart is so hard against Christ? Do you cower in fear and not talk about it, just in case it makes them feel uncomfortable? But wouldn't that give Satan the upper hand? How do you help those that for some reason have turned away from God? How do you explain to them that even though they are suffering God knows and He wants them where they are so that they can come to Him.
I am pretty darn sure I understand the answers to these questions but I just don't know how to relay them in terms that won't make people just shut me and Him out.
I will tell people that I am a Christian without hesitation and I long for them to experience Christ and what He has done for us. Do I wait?
How do you soften a harden heart?
So I just keep praying that God will give me the guidance that I need. I want to talk about God with them, but I find myself slightly hesitate. They may not want to hear it. I guess though that the biggest thing against God is when we keep silent. How do you know when it is right to talk? I feel that it is right all the time, but am I wrong?
Lord help me to understand. Help those whose hearts are so hard against you and have them come back to your arms and your safety. In your name I pray, Amen.
Tuesday, April 05, 2005
I Love my Car (NOT!!)
What an embarssment!! I ended up stuck on the side of the road today with Michelle, Payton and Andrew in the car. I had to call for help.
Thanks Jenn!!
I had to get someone to pick up Michelle and the kids. The belt went on my alternator. I was loosing it. I was breaking down. I was crying - like an idiot. I felt so stupid. I felt so frustrated and embarassed. Michelle and Jenn were so calm. Andrew was SO patient and poor Payton wanted out of her car seat.
I hated my car. I was left stranded. Then I hurt my wrist trying to push the car further off the road. Some stranger ended up stopping to help me out though. I hate my car and I am crying and I feel so stupid.
Thanks Jenn!!
I had to get someone to pick up Michelle and the kids. The belt went on my alternator. I was loosing it. I was breaking down. I was crying - like an idiot. I felt so stupid. I felt so frustrated and embarassed. Michelle and Jenn were so calm. Andrew was SO patient and poor Payton wanted out of her car seat.
I hated my car. I was left stranded. Then I hurt my wrist trying to push the car further off the road. Some stranger ended up stopping to help me out though. I hate my car and I am crying and I feel so stupid.
Saturday, April 02, 2005
Holy Spirit
Wow. This is hard for me to put into words but I will try.
I have been on a wonderful journey since February. In February I met a friend who helped me to start this journey and continue it with more strength and passion each day. I have come to know my Father. I have come to know Christ. People tell me that they can see this journey I am on. I have been told that you can see the difference in my eyes. I have a sparkle. This journey is one of the best ones that I have ever been privledged to attend. Even lately I have learned to trust God. Sure, I get my bad days when it seems that the doubt is so much stronger than the truth. How wrong I am though. Lately I have had the faith that will move mountains. At least that is how I feel. I am still learning, I still have questions but God puts people into my path that will help me through.
It has been recently when I have come to actually realize how much the Holy Spirit has engulfed me. How much He is a part of my life and how much He is in control. Not just in me but my husband seems to be going through some awesome changes too.
Phil tells me that he is noticing changes and I told him that the Holy Spirit really, truly is moving within us. He told me that he thinks it is so much stronger in me though. He said that so many people are noticing me engulfed and the changes I am going through.
Awesome.
Just thinking about God overwhelms me on some days. I still tend to worry but I find myself thinking, God is in control, it will work out. When I was in the hospital last Saturday I remember laying on my side while getting the spinal tap. Every time the needle went in, six different attempts, I kept telling myself; I, Misty, am strong IN the Lord. While squeezing the life out of Phil's hand. The headaches and nausea still freak me out but I try not to worry. God will provide. Each day it seems a little better. Each day I can feel a little stronger. I know that I may not be cured with the drop of a hat but now I am patient enough to know that it will happen. In God's timing.
I feel that I have been broken, and I am nowhere near being totally pieced together again. Although it is like each day I feel God use a little more glue and a little more love to put me together again.
I do start to believe that maybe it is noticeable then I start to think that it doesn't really matter. Those closest to me and the friends I have met and made along this journey know. God knows.
I have come to realize that God has given me talents and gifts. I wasn't passed over on that day. I just am starting to learn these talents and gifts.
It still will take some time for me to love myself the way God does and to forgive myself as easily as He does. It just overwhelms me that His grace and forgiveness is so huge. It amazes me that Jesus died for little ol' me. That the Holy Spirit is within me so strong and just seems to keep growing each day, with each miracle I am shown and each piece of grace that He sends my way. I have the faith that I will get better. I tell Satan to leave me alone when I start doubting. Then I cry out for God to come into my heart with even more power and that I only want Him in my heart and in my life. No more evil. Evil is always around but boy oh boy does that Holy Spirit ever feel so much stronger.
It truly makes me giddy and makes me feel like an excited child. I am enjoying every part of my journey and I am so thankful that I have those special people in my life that I can share it with. I am thankful that Phil is feeling the same thing. I want God to use me and I am thankful that He is. I am so thankful.
I was baptized in 2002 and I understood what was going on, but now it is so much bigger. I almost want to do it again. I totally get it even more now. I just want to shout it out to the world!!
I, Misty, have welcomed God fully into my heart and will continue to do so for the rest of my days. I love God and I am proud to be His.
I have been on a wonderful journey since February. In February I met a friend who helped me to start this journey and continue it with more strength and passion each day. I have come to know my Father. I have come to know Christ. People tell me that they can see this journey I am on. I have been told that you can see the difference in my eyes. I have a sparkle. This journey is one of the best ones that I have ever been privledged to attend. Even lately I have learned to trust God. Sure, I get my bad days when it seems that the doubt is so much stronger than the truth. How wrong I am though. Lately I have had the faith that will move mountains. At least that is how I feel. I am still learning, I still have questions but God puts people into my path that will help me through.
It has been recently when I have come to actually realize how much the Holy Spirit has engulfed me. How much He is a part of my life and how much He is in control. Not just in me but my husband seems to be going through some awesome changes too.
Phil tells me that he is noticing changes and I told him that the Holy Spirit really, truly is moving within us. He told me that he thinks it is so much stronger in me though. He said that so many people are noticing me engulfed and the changes I am going through.
Awesome.
Just thinking about God overwhelms me on some days. I still tend to worry but I find myself thinking, God is in control, it will work out. When I was in the hospital last Saturday I remember laying on my side while getting the spinal tap. Every time the needle went in, six different attempts, I kept telling myself; I, Misty, am strong IN the Lord. While squeezing the life out of Phil's hand. The headaches and nausea still freak me out but I try not to worry. God will provide. Each day it seems a little better. Each day I can feel a little stronger. I know that I may not be cured with the drop of a hat but now I am patient enough to know that it will happen. In God's timing.
I feel that I have been broken, and I am nowhere near being totally pieced together again. Although it is like each day I feel God use a little more glue and a little more love to put me together again.
I do start to believe that maybe it is noticeable then I start to think that it doesn't really matter. Those closest to me and the friends I have met and made along this journey know. God knows.
I have come to realize that God has given me talents and gifts. I wasn't passed over on that day. I just am starting to learn these talents and gifts.
It still will take some time for me to love myself the way God does and to forgive myself as easily as He does. It just overwhelms me that His grace and forgiveness is so huge. It amazes me that Jesus died for little ol' me. That the Holy Spirit is within me so strong and just seems to keep growing each day, with each miracle I am shown and each piece of grace that He sends my way. I have the faith that I will get better. I tell Satan to leave me alone when I start doubting. Then I cry out for God to come into my heart with even more power and that I only want Him in my heart and in my life. No more evil. Evil is always around but boy oh boy does that Holy Spirit ever feel so much stronger.
It truly makes me giddy and makes me feel like an excited child. I am enjoying every part of my journey and I am so thankful that I have those special people in my life that I can share it with. I am thankful that Phil is feeling the same thing. I want God to use me and I am thankful that He is. I am so thankful.
I was baptized in 2002 and I understood what was going on, but now it is so much bigger. I almost want to do it again. I totally get it even more now. I just want to shout it out to the world!!
I, Misty, have welcomed God fully into my heart and will continue to do so for the rest of my days. I love God and I am proud to be His.
Friday, April 01, 2005
So Exciting!!
I just bought my first set of Christian CD's!! I never thought I would be this excited. I bought Here I am to Worship 2 and WOW Worship. I am excited to start listening to them. It is so cool.
I also teach Sunday school so I just had to buy a kids CD too. I bought Songs Kids Love to Sing. It has 25 Sunday school songs. I totally need a video camera!! I put the CD in and it was priceless!! My husband started dancing to them!! He grew up listening to these songs and he still remembers all the actions. Guess who will be helping me with the songs to teach to the kids!! He is sitting here dancing to the music. So cute. Uncle Phil will be singing to Payton in no time!!
I also teach Sunday school so I just had to buy a kids CD too. I bought Songs Kids Love to Sing. It has 25 Sunday school songs. I totally need a video camera!! I put the CD in and it was priceless!! My husband started dancing to them!! He grew up listening to these songs and he still remembers all the actions. Guess who will be helping me with the songs to teach to the kids!! He is sitting here dancing to the music. So cute. Uncle Phil will be singing to Payton in no time!!
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