I still don't get it

Ok God. What are you trying to say here? It's like He keeps telling me to talk. To discuss what is on my heart and I still fight. Makes Him sad I know, but yet here I am stubborn as a mule. Resisting, clinging and fighting. Why do I keep thinking about things or hearing about it? Why can't I be left alone to hide in my own little dark corner? Why can't it just go away, unresolved? Why can't it just be done with even though I am doing nothing about it. It hurts too much. It has been in my heart long enough so why does it keep resurfacing now?
I sit here hiding. Scared and feeling so lost and alone. I look all around and see nothing but black empty space. Then all of a sudden into my dark little whole, through my nice strong brick wall appears a hand. Gesturing for me to trust. Gesturing for me to take it and understand. The light in the darkness. Yet I don't move. I sit and contemplate about the consequences if I were to take that hand and allow myself to come away from the wall. To remove the mask. To come out of the dark. Yet what were to happen if I thought about the consequences of not grabbing that hand....
Don't get me wrong here. I am still enjoying my life and journey in Christ. I would never go back but yet I am the one that is restricting progress. Why?
I have been the type of person that can always have my facial expressions give me away. I will be all happy and go lucky then I would be asked what's wrong. When I respond with nothing, why I am told that my eyes look sad. They do? Darn it! Something always gives me away. My mask feels like it is so thick and heavy. The constant smile and the games. The constant thoughts sitting right in the fore front of my brain. The mask is good at hiding the real feelings I feel. Hiding the truth.
God has worked so faithfully and strong within me. Yet I sit and struggle due to my own free will. That's ok though. I don't have enough time to sit and think about it, except for now. I like that. If I keep myself busy it will go away right? Yet someone has something to say that will bring it to the fore front again. I smile and say fine. I hurt inside. My dark quiet place seems to be a comfort. It seems to pull me in and make me believe that it will be fine if I just stay there and I ignore the feelings that surface. I ignore what is being put onto my heart. Then I feel a paing of guilt. If I ignore those then am I ignoring God? Does He want this all done and over with as much as I do? Does He think it is time to let go even though I tell myself that it is not? I tell myself that I have to hang on. What would happen if I just quit fighting it? Failing. Then I would feel like I failed myself and so many others. Been there, done that so I don't want to do it again. So rather than dealing I fight. I won't lose again!! God will help me win. Just not the way I think I want to.
God made me the way I am and who I am. I just wish sometimes that I knew who that was. Why does she always fight? Don't want to fail. Why is she so stubborn? Why do I know that I love God so fully yet I still fight. I still resist. I still don't get it.