Hurt

Just when I thought that I was winning God reminds me who is in control. Just when I thought that I was succeeding God tells me that it will all be revealed in time. Crap.
So I am a very stubborn person and when I decide not to do something that is it. Done and over with, no more even thinking about it. I guess though that God is WAY more stubborn than I am. He sends me a reminder that even though I have decided not to deal with something that He thinks it is time. Then it is time for me to realize what God wants. I realize it but I just don't want to admit it.
It hurts knowing that I tell God that I love Him and I trust Him yet here I am practically throwing that all at Him just because I won't trust Him and just let it all happen. Let God take control. It's almost feels like I am turning around and "slapping Him in the face". I trust you but not with this. It hurts to know that this upsets Him.
My darn stubborn nature tells me that I need to live with the hurt and the pain. That I don't deserve to let it go and that I deserve to punish myself. So I throw up the wall that I have been trying so hard to climb over. Put on the mask that was so comfortable. I am asked if I am ok and the usual response of being fine comes out. I am breaking inside. I want to run. I want to plug my ears and just not listen. I want to hide. I can't run or hide no matter how hard I try. He sends someone to find me.
My insecurity blanket gets wrapped back around me and I allow it. I allow it to cover me and keep me in my own little world that I thought was so safe. Things come into my head that I have worked so hard at pushing away, so hard at trying to forget. It just takes one instance and the STUPID tears start to fall. Why oh God, do I keep hearing it? Why does it feel like You just won't let it be?
It's time that I realize that it is me that needs to let it be. It is me that needs to let it go. Time to let God take over and not be so darn stubborn. Time to rip down the walls, not just climb over them and then when it gets tough just go right back down. It's time I let this hurt go.

Lord, help me to be released from this all. Help me to forgive myself like you so willingly do for me. I love you Lord and I am sorry that I am stubborn and I won't let it go. Please help me to understand that Your timing is perfect and that if it needs to be done for me to do it. Please help me to lessen the hurt. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.