So much easier

How is it that you work so hard at developing your faith and growing in your believes and then it just takes a couple bad weeks to make you question?
It is so darn easy to let the thoughts enter your mind that you are not good enough and that you are not worthy. It is so hard to grasp onto the truth and not let go. All it takes is one bad phone call, a bad day at work, a bad week or just even a weak moment to make you question.
The last couple of weeks seem to be taking their toll on me. I try so hard to keep a firm grasp but yet I feel it all slipping away. I know that it is not God slipping from me. It is me slipping from myself. Letting Satan play on the insecure thoughts. Letting him make me question and doubt. Then all it takes is for me to yell at Satan to just leave me alone. I was driving one night and I yelled it at the top of my lungs. Crazy I know but at least people weren't around to see that.
Sometimes I think I understand when it is Satan or is it my thoughts that are just playing on my mind. The spiritual battle continues. Fighting so hard and feeling so weak. Feeling abandoned and hopeless. So much easier and simpler to just let go and hand in the white flag than struggle to hang on. Life is so much more beneficial if you are able to keep a firm grasp and let God help you to understand. I do know that it will be, and is, worth the struggle. Just sometimes it is so hard to see that.
Talk to God. Yep, I try. It's hard. He knows what is on my heart already so why do I need to verbally communicate it? So that I can hear myself say it? The tears feel like they are full of pain and regret. I bleed within my soul. I pray that my soul doesn't get damaged and that the Holy Spirit won't leave me. I fight it all. How can I help others when I let this in? Because I understand? I feel their hurt and I feel my own.
It really hurts to let go of the good and let the bad win and control. So hard to let those brain patterns change. You've been that way since you were little. It's just so much easier to give in. Whatever, I would say to myself and try to go on. Forget about it. I'm fine. Why do we lie? Why do I question Him? I want all of Jesus within me. I want only God within my soul. Yet it is so much easier to sit within the darkness and be by myself than it is to let those walls be torn down. Crazy I know but it's been a rough couple weeks. I know, I know, I, Misty, am strong in the Lord. Why do I not feel it?
God help me to fight for you.