I find it hard...

to fight old thought patterns. They just sneak their way in there. An unwelcome guest. I am grateful for all that God has blessed us with and I am choosing to look at that rather then some of the negative that has been happening. I don't think the enemy likes that too much.

I had a very blessed Christmas. I couldn't help but notice that I had some thoughts sneak in. You may roll your eyes but it was about my first loss. I should have been very pregnant and due in February. February 2 was my due date. I found the bitter thoughts coming back. The thoughts of WHY and NOT FAIR came flooding in. Once I noticed these thoughts I stopped. I gave it over to God. I asked Him to take it away because I know that He has a plan for my life and that I am ok with it. That I am not angry and that I will trust Him.

"He who began a good work in you will carry it out to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." Phil 1:6

HE began this work in me. HE knows what is going to happen because "All the days ordained for me were written in (His) book before one of them came to be." Ps. 139:16

Stop and think about it for a second. I know when I do it blows me away. He knew that hurts would happen. He knew losses would happen. He knew we would rejoice, we would sing, we would get angry, we would cry and we would feel so alone. Yet He promises that He will not forsake us. "He tends to His flock like a shepherd; He gathers the lamb in His arms and carries them close to His heart." Isa. 40:11

Now how cool is all of that. He knows every single day of my life yet He will not abandon me. Even on the days where I feel detached from Him and struggle to talk to Him, He knew. Yet He still chose to love me. To send His son for me, for us, as sinners. He is never too big to stop, pick me up in His strong and safe arms. Never too busy to stop and hold me against His heart. To hold me so close that I can hear His heart beat, I can feel His chest rise and fall as He gently breaths and calms me.

In my moments it is hard to stop. Hard to not think about the "what if's", the "why me's", the "it's not fair's". No, life is not fair yet it is a life we walk in His love. When we choose to walk in His grace, His mercy, His forgiveness, His love, His patience, His greatness we choose to feel Him in every situation. We choose to lean on Him.

So right now I am choosing to lean on God.

"Daddy I need your arms to wrap around me. I need to feel your heart beat, I need to feel YOU."

"I am right here baby. I have not left you. I understand your hurt, your pain, your confusion and your desire to want me. I am glad you want me. I have been there. I have felt the pain, the hurt, the confusion but I have also felt the Love of my Father. We graciously extend that to you."

"I am so not worthy of this Love Daddy. I did nothing to deserve it."

"that is the point baby. I did something because you deserve it."

"Help me to battle these feelings Daddy. Help me to acknowledge them, accept them and move on."

"All you need to do is turn to me. I will help you through. I promise I will never leave you. I will hold you close to me, you just have to let me."

"Here I am Daddy. I am running to Your arms. I am trusting in You. I am leaning on You, help me Daddy."

"I will baby. I will. I love you more then anything. I am here....."



wow......
He is here. I can't push away the feelings, I acknowledge them then hand them over to God. He is so much bigger then me. He can take this, I can't. I can't take this on my own. I apparently do have stress even though I don't fully realize it. Or maybe it is just that I am not acknowledging it. Yet He is big enough, yet gentle enough, to take this all away. To help me through step by step. Yes this may be hard, but I just have to trust God. I just have to hand it over to Him. I just have to be still and slow down into His arms. He can do this. I can't. I can with Him.

Ever so patient....

You ever notice how God just doesn't give up? He will NEVER give up?

Sometimes I wonder why He hasn't given up on me. Others would have by now. Yet I realize that He is not like other people. He is not like PEOPLE period. He is a gracious and compassionate God. He keeps coming after me with love. How cool!

So reading my Wallflower book and came across something. Always the right timing...

"God has great patience with new believers. He understands the weakness by which we begin. Just learning about grace. Only beginning to walk by faith and battle our old sin patterns. The very good news is that there is hope for those of us who struggle in earnest to become women of great faith.

Thankfully, non are ever turned away from the grace of God. All of us have a certain hope because of God's patient mercy and love.

Jesus promised the disciples that the Holy Spirit would come after Him to live inside of them and give them power. That same promise holds for every believer today." p. 108-109

ok. Did you catch that? He understands. Has great patience. There is HOPE. NONE are ever turned away from His Grace. Did I mention there is HOPE. We have the promise of the Holy Spirit.

Now is that not the coolest! Now THAT is a Papa!!

Look at the devotion I got today......

Christmas Brings the Peace of God
by Rick Warren

You will experience God’s peace, which is far more wonderful than the human mind can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:6 (NLT)

*** *** *** ***

Once you make peace with God, that’s spiritual peace, then you get the peace of God in your heart and that’s emotional peace.

This is the one you really need for daily living. The peace of God happens in your heart when you’ve made peace with God. All of a sudden, the stress in your life goes down. You’re not as angry as you used to be. Things don’t bother you as much. You’re a lot more patient. You’re filled with a lot more love and peace.

Why? Because once you have peace with God, you have the peace of God in your heart.

The Bible says, “Don’t worry about anything. Instead pray about everything” (Philippians 4:6 NLT). You have two choices in life: You can pray or panic, worship or worry. Those are your choices. Worry has never solved a single one of your problems. If you prayed as much as you worry, you would have a lot less to worry about! Prayer can change things. That’s why the Bible says, “Don’t worry. Pray!”

“Pray about everything. Tell God what you need. Thank him for all that he’s done. [And if you do this] You will experience God’s peace, which is far more wonderful than the human mind can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus” (Philippians 4:6 NLT).




ha!!

Feeling lonely

But I know it must be my own fault. I feel like I don't have many people around me. I am at home all the time. I feel alone.

The newest thing I have been doing lately is just hanging out with God. It is great. When the boys (my son and my daycare boy) nap I lay on my stomach in front of the fireplace and just read my bible. Read a book and just hang out with God.

Just He and me in front of the fireplace. I really have started to enjoy this time with Him. To look forward to the quiet, to His voice and His love wrapping around me. I have been learning a bunch of things. Been learning how to make and keep boundaries. Learning why I am the way I am. Learning that sometimes I need to just wait my turn to dance.

Reading a book called "When Wallflowers Dance" by Angela Thomas. I am sure I have shared on it before. Came across a few interesting things today.

"Prayer is the means by which we continually place ourselves into God's arms. When you meet a woman who is full of joy and confidence no matter what her circumstances, you have most likely encountered a woman of prayer." p. 99

"Prayer is the discipline by which God gives us the ability to wait. To persevere. To dream again. To trust." p. 100

"Whatever battle you face today, remember that it cannot have you. You belong to GOD." p. 101 (emphasis mine)

I am learning a lot about this. Learning to just trust God. Learning to be able to dream and to pray. To just talk to God. Just to let it all go and give it over to Him. So really I should be leaning on Him. I shouldn't feel lonely but I do. Some days it is more then others. But it is ok. God has a plan for my life and right now it may just mean being lonely. It may mean waiting.

It is hard to let go of the lonely feeling but I know God is right here, pulling me through.

Choosing to not worry

As everything in life, worrying is a choice we make. We can choose to worry or we can choose to just sit back in God's love and trust Him.

I can't say that I trust Him without question. I trust Him but WITH question. Yet when I sit here and type it out I just feel like that isn't right. That really isn't how I feel.

I trust God. I have to trust God because He can do a better job at this life then I can. Yet I have so many questions. They are getting less here and there as I start to understand a bit more each day.

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God." Phil. 4:6

I find that lately when I start to get frazzled, when I start to worry and panic, when I start to see the negative and lose site of the positive I lean on God. I will stop, sometimes it takes longer then others, but I will stop. I will beg God to take it away from me. I will say, "away from me, Satan!" Matt. 4:10 or I will think and say "Get behind me, Satan!" Matt. 16:23

It is getting easier to tell Satan to bug off. To get a life and to leave mine alone. It amazes me at how hard he keeps trying, no matter how many times you tell him to frig off. He will keep coming at you from every side, attacking at every angle. Yet God tells us not to worry. That just by praying to God, by living in His truth, reading His Word we can have the tools to battle the enemy. We can choose not to worry because of God's Grace.

"thank you Lord for Your amazing grace. Thank you for Your Son. Thank you that I am not worthy yet You stoop to me. You lift me out of my sorrow, my self pity, my pain and my worry. You tell me that You love me and You have me in your arms. That I don't need to worry because You are with me."

"I care more about you baby then the birds of the air. I take care of them and I will take care of you. I love you because you are my child. I always have."

"that amazes me God. That you gave your Son to us. That by your grace we can choose to not worry. Wow."

***I just picture Him smiling***


I am going to try to make it a conscious decision, every day, to not worry. He has me covered. He cares about me more then He cares about the birds, and the flowers. He loves all His creation. That is me. That is YOU. Pretty dang cool hey?

Can we just get a break!!!

So this afternoon/evening around 5 Cooper turned on a dime yet again. I was just thinking how great it was he had no fever today. He was playing fine today even walking all bundled up out in the snow with my friend.

He woke up from his nap all happy and was acting totally fine all day. Then at 5ish pm he put his left ear to his shoulder and started to whine. Didn't want to play and poked at his ear. I asked him if he had owies and he said yes. I asked where and he said, right here. Pointing to his ear. So my red flag went up that it was an ear infection.
Then closer to 7 he was whiney, clingy and basically hitting his jaw where the ear meets the jaw line. So we took him to the clinic. Then while in there he became agitated, restless and almost like he was dillusional. Didn't make any sense, couldn't get comfortable or anything.

The doctor came in and Cooper stayed laying on my lap. The doc looked at his left ear and said, "WHOA! That is Baaaad" then looked at his right and was about to say it was ok then he got a better look at it and said that it was getting just as bad. Not quite there but pretty close.

So we have antibiotics now. I feel bad for it but I think it was past the point of being an early ear infection. So we had to give a double dose per docs orders to get it rolling faster because they were so bad. Then had to give 1.5tsp tylenol to try to help knock out the pain.

He was so not himself. It was awful. He even went to his room and crawled into bed saying he wanted to go to sleep!

Of course it gets me thinking about all the crap that has happened within the last month. Miscarriage, migraines, late period, cold for Cooper and me, Cooper having croup and the week long fever etc etc etc but then I stop myself and won't allow it. I think about the blessings of last month.

Can this just all stop now PLEEEEASE!! sigh...

thanks if you read this far.


I know God has blessed us and although this stuff is happening it is ok. Because God has my back. I just have to remember the good times. I won't let the enemy play with all the feeling sorry for myself. I will praise Him in this storm!

My little guy's third Christmas

Wow time flies. He looks so different now!!

Today


Last year


First Christmas

You love me......

without fail everyday You stoop low
enough to wrap Your arms around
me and lift me into Your embrace.
You love me no matter what I may
or may not do.
Your love for me is so huge that I can't
even explain how it blows my mind
yet You still wait patiently and You
know that I am wanting to
love You more deeply.
No matter what You have the patience
to persevere after me and to hold
onto me and help me understand
Your amazing grace and love.
I don't deserve it but You
believe I do and You believe I am
worth it.
As I reach to grab onto Your
love and hold onto Your Hope
You hold me tight and whisper that
You are there.
You remind me that You have not
left me and You are an
ever present truth in this crazy world.
You hold me tight.
You love me every day.
You are patient.
You are kind.
You are love.
Thank you.
I love You and thank You that You
love me in all my weakness, all
my anger, all my strength and joy.
No matter what You love me.

oh dear.....

so Cooper is feeling MUCH better.

me on the other hand.......

plugged RIGHT UP! Nothing I can take. Of course because I am not feeling well everything is hitting my nerves the wrong way.

You know I started to think a bit and I am sure I am feeling a wee bit bitter. When the children are sick the mommy takes care of them. When the husband is sick the wife takes care of them.

WHO takes care of the wife and mother? Oh she does.....

that's ok though. I am just grateful to be a stay at home mom. But with feeling this crappy you kind of get a bit bitter. I just need to pray. He will take care of me. LOL!

Here we go....

so I have a head cold. No big deal. I can handle it. I am taking GSE (grapefruit Seed extract) in cranberry juice. It is Cooper that is bugging me.

5am it started. I heard "the cough". For those that have been there I think you know what I mean. The cough just before throwing up! then I hear MOM! MOM!! So I ran in there knowing what to expect and I was right. He had thrown up. So Phil and I gave him some gravol (anti-nausea med) and I sat down with him. I sat and cuddled him while Phil cleaned up the bed.

Cooper was wiped out, probably from the meds as well. So he went back to bed and slept until just after 7. Which is a sleep in for him. Came to my room and I just had this feeling I needed to grab the bucket. The bucket was beside my bed because I have been nauseous for almost a week. So I grab it, grab the back of his head, he says "NO!" and then up it came. He is now sitting on the couch watching The Grinch by Jim Carrey. He loves that show!

I am kind of debating on calling the nurses hot line though ONLY because last night he went to play and "slam" his head onto his pillow. He lunged at it but missed the pillow and SMOKED the front of his head on his headboard. It was so hard that I went running in there turning on the lights because I expected to see blood. But there was none. He was pretty quiet afterwards but we thought he was fine and checked on him quite a bit. I feel so bad for him.

can I just sigh........

God loves us.....

I got this in my email this morning.....

From the Purpose Driven Life Daily Devotional.

"God loves you so much that he sent Jesus on a mission of love with a message of love. Christmas is a yearly reminder that God loves you. The Bible says God is love. It doesn’t say God has love; it says God is love. Love is his nature – God is love."

He loves us THAT MUCH. He IS love. That no matter what He will always love us. He will always love ME! I am ashamed to admit that I struggle with this a lot. I find it hard to believe sometimes.
You know, growing up you did things to make parents love you more. Make teachers and other kids "love" you enough that you were worthy to be in that group, worthy to be listened to etc.
Yet what have I done for God in order for Him to love me? NOTHING! I am not a perfect person. Far from it. I am a sinner. I struggle with the only thing that is true and that is Him and His word. So with God being so perfect why do I struggle with it?

"God’s good news is that he loves you on your good days as much as he loves you on your bad days. He loves you when you can feel his love, and he loves you when you can’t seem to feel his love. He loves you regardless of whether or not you think you deserve his love.

There is nothing you can do that will make God stop loving you. You could try, but you simply can’t do it – because his love for you is based upon his character and not on anything you do or say or feel."

Well now that is good to know as well. On my bad days I am not a pleasant person. I can be very cranky and quite the bitch *ahem, excuse me for the swear*. I lose track of God some days. But like the devotion said I can not do anything to make God stop loving me. NOTHING?? Really? Why? Why is that so? Why can't His love just be taken away like everyone else's seemed to have been in the past.

BECAUSE HE LOVES ME and He gave up His ONLY Son for me. The reason we celebrate Christmas is because God gave us His son. We celebrate the greatest gift of all. Jesus was born only to die. God knew all of this too. He knew the torment, the anguish, the pain and the hurt yet he LET it all happen. He didn't stop it. Jesus obeyed. God LET His son die on that cross. Did He turn His back while He watched His son take his last breaths? While He watched His son in pain? I like to imagine that He didn't. I believe He sat there beside Jesus, held Him and loved Him all the way through.

He let it happen because He loved a sinful world so much. He wanted us to be with Him, yet we still turn away from Him. We turn our backs on Him but no matter what He keeps with us. He keeps loving us. I did nothing to deserve it. You did nothing to deserve it and that is the point.

God really amazes me. He really truly does. I just hope that someday soon I can get this truth into my head and sunk into my heart. I believe I am almost there. I want to believe that He won't take it away. Like the rest of us though I only have the earthly people experience and I worry every time I may do something wrong to loose His love. I won't though. I won't. He loves us that much. No matter what.

wow....

Heard this this morning.

it is so perfect. I raised my hands in praise. In agreement. I really don't need anything but HIM.

I Don't Need Anything But You
-Brian Doerksen

I don't need anything, this world says I do
I don't need anything but You
I don't need anything, that I can't afford
I don't need anything but You

I don't need anything, this world says I do
I don't need anything but You
I just need your presence, Your life-giving love
I don't need anything but You

You are my ever present help
You are salvation from myself
You are my comfort and my joy
I don't need anything but You

I don't need anything that You won't supply
I don't need anything but You
I just need to trust that You will always provide
I don't need anything but You

You are my ever present help
You are salvation from myself
You are my comfort and my joy
I don't need anything but You

You are my ever present help
You are salvation from myself
You are my comfort and my joy
I don't need anything but You
I don't need anything but You
I don't need anything but You

I don't need anything
I don't need anything but You
I don't need anything but You, but You.

How DOES He do that!

you know what? No matter what it is God STILL continues to amaze me.

I had written about how I worry I lost site of God. A friend of mine told me that He was still there. Then I told my friend about a dream I had last night and they said that maybe I was too busy to still myself and listen for God during the day. That I don't take that time so He comes to me at night through my dreams!

hmmm......

So anyway.....

I was telling a friend about a dream I had last night. I was asked to give my testimony, which is odd in the first place because I never really thought I had a "testimony" worth giving. Know what I mean. So anyway, in the dream it turned into a question and answer period about the bible. Someone in my dream asked me if "Greetings, I come to you in peace and with open arms" was one of the five fruits of the spirit. Now in my dream I figured no but wouldn't say anything for fear of being ridiculed. I let that fear stop me a lot. Anyway in the dream our pastors wife looked at me and told me to answer the question. I looked around the room and someone smiled and nodded at me to continue. So I told them no. Then the pastors wife said I was right.

When I woke up I asked Phil what the fruits of the spirit were. He said "I don't know, cantelope?" I am sure he knew but what a question to wake up to. So it got me to thinking. I looked up in my concordance. To my surprise I found fruit and spirit in the same sentence.
There it was. Staring me in the face. "The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self control." Gal 5:22-23

Yeah my jaw dropped. I shared with Phil and he said, maybe God needs you to work on some of the fruits. I agree. Definatly the one of self control and patience. LOL! So anyway I was sharing with said friend and emailing about the dream. I wasn't even into my devotions yet. So then I finished emailing then got to the devotions. You would NEVER guess what the devotion was today! That's right.....it was on the fruits of the spirit. Geee.....You trying to tell me something God!!!

This is a part of the devotional:
"The question is: How do we develop these character qualities? Obviously, God doesn’t just zap us one day and suddenly these qualities materialize in our lives. He uses a process that involves a partnership with us and also the time to grow.

It requires partnership. The apostle Paul describes this partnership in Philippians 2:12-13 (NIV), where he says “continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling,” but then he also says, “for it is God who works in you ….”

It’s important to note that Paul doesn’t say, “Work for your salvation.” The Bible clearly teaches we don’t have to work for our salvation. It is a free gift of God’s grace.

It requires time. It takes time for fruit to ripen, and in the same way, there’s no such thing as instant spiritual maturity. When you try to rush fruit, it doesn’t taste as good. If you’ve ever eaten tomatoes that have been artificially ripened to speed up the process, then you know there’s no comparing them to the wonderful taste of naturally, vine-ripened tomatoes. It takes time for fruit to ripen, and it takes time for spiritual fruit to ripen in your life.

You can begin by telling God right now that you want to be a productive, fruitful disciple, one who cooperates with his plan."


So yeah...There it is. Coming to me time and time again in ONE morning. I can tell you that I was trembling. Not out of fear but out of excitment. That He was using me, that He was talking to me. That I was hearing it!

God you totally and absolutely amaze me!

"when your heart is open to me child you will hear me more. You will know and understand what I am trying to tell you, how I am trying to guide you."

but I am not worthy. I am not smart.

"I think you are baby. I think you are and that is all that matters."

I just LOVE how God works. It makes me want to dance on top of the mountain. It makes me want to sing!!

"Where the spirit of the Lord is,
there is freedom.
Where the spirit of the Lord is,
there is freedom."

Free me Lord. Fill me with your spirit. I guess I said bring it on and you are! Thank you that I am receptive and willing to hear You.

"No thank you baby. That is what you were created for."

Lost site of what matters

oh dear....

Today I have lost sight of what matters. I lost sight of Love, of Truth and Mercy. I lost site of God. I broke down. I had a melt down. I didn't know how to cope. I just have so much on my mind and plate.

here we go:

~ in the hospital yesterday for a head pain, worried about a brain anurysm, but everything came back clear
~ House is a disaster
~ Loosing my cool on Cooper
~ Need stamps and envelopes for Christmas cards.
~ Need pictures to put in the cards but wait! I don't have a camera! It is being fixed...
~ getting over a cold
~ not WANTING to have to wait for a child
~ still have a headache
~ 4.5 hours of sleep last night....
~ having to make the Christmas gifts

I totally snapped. I lost it. I lost Him. The enemy pulled me into my own worries and fears and anxieties. He pulled me further down faster then I could do it myself. I broke down. Tears, anger and frustration.

I lost God. In the heat of the moment I lost Him. He was still there the whole time but I got so wrapped up that I couldn't find Him. It just seems like I have so much building up but who doesn't?

So I feel like a complete moron venting and complaining. A dork asking for prayer. Weak....alone and scared....

I need to learn coping skills and I don't know how. I don't know where to turn, which way to go except in my heart I know that I need to go down. Down to my knees. He was waiting for me. I couldn't find the words so I asked some friends to pray. I cried and was vulnerable. I feel a little lighter and am feeling Him more.

I was told the closer you get to God the more of a spiritual battle that ensues. I need to de-clutter. I need to get rid of things. Both physically in my home and mentally. So many things are weighing on me. My weight. The house. House needs to be painted. Christmas deadlines. Need sitters. Need to save money. Need to pay back money.

ok I need to breathe. I need to find Him again. I need my eyes back on the prize. I need to just drop to my knees and cry. I need help.....

I can do this......no I can't.....

I have been very excited lately learning more and more about God. Worshiping, reading and writing. I have been trying really hard to become better, to heal past hurts and lies.
I was talking to a friend of mine last night and they said:
"You can’t change yourself, only He can. You can’t heal yourself, only He can."

of course I never thought of that! No matter how hard I try, no matter how many sermons I go to, no matter how much I read I cannot change myself or heal myself. Only God has the strength to do so. Only HE can make me be a new person in Christ.

Sure I have to do my part. I have to read scripture and worship etc but I won't be able to MAKE the change. Only the Master Surgeon can do that. Only He has the right tools to do the delicate work. To open my chest and expose my heart yet know how to keep it safe while delicately working His fingers effortlessly, smoothly, kindly and with great know how.

No matter how hard I try, I will never be able to do enough. I can't do any of this without the help of God. I can't do it without Him. By filling my heart, soul and mind with His word, His love and His truth I am telling Him that I am ready. I am ready to heal, to grow and to learn. I am ready to trust.

I have a hard time trusting because people have hurt me. PEOPLE have hurt me. NOT God. He will never hurt me. I may be taken through tough times but I am not alone, He is there leading me through. Telling me that I will be ok and to trust Him. That He will NEVER EVER leave me. He is my life. He is YOUR LIFE.

God really is good. Can you imagine, giving up YOUR one and only son? Giving him up so you can save the world. A world that ignores you, hurts you, sins, lies, steals and chooses to walk away from you. HE can choose to make us love Him. Yet He doesn't. He has given us free will. We are able to choose to accept Him. We are able to choose to dance with Him. To let Him do the healing, the growing and the living. He "let" Jesus die on that cross because He loves us. I even have a hard time imaging that He loves my son more then I love my son. That is a lot. I think about having to sacrifice my son and I wouldn't be able to do it. Yet God did it! How Good is a God like THAT!

I am sure I make no sense but the point is that I can't do this myself. My friend was right. Only God can do this for me. So I excitedly open up my heart, raise my hands to worship, and dance in His light. In God's timing I will heal and grow more. In God's time not my own. I can't do this but HE can.

Thank you God that you are such a faithful, loving, great God. Thank you that I can't do this on my own. That you are the Great Surgeon and that You can do this. You are so great, so good, so loving and so faithful. You amaze me. Thank you!

A friend sent this poem to me.....a sigh of release from me....

Christians
By Maya Angelou

A woman's heart should be so hidden in Christ
that a man should have to seek Him first to find her."

When I say... "I am a Christian" I'm not shouting "I'm clean livin'."
I'm whispering "I was lost, Now I'm found and forgiven."

When I say... "I am a Christian" I don't speak of this with pride.
I'm confessing that I stumble and need Christ to be my guide.

When I say... "I am a Christian" I'm not trying to be strong.
I'm professing that I'm weak and need His strength to carry on.

When I say... "I am a Christian" I'm not bragging of success.
I'm admitting I have failed and need God to clean my mess.

When I say... "I am a Christian" I'm not claiming to be perfect,
My flaws are far too visible but, God believes I am worth it.

When I say... "I am a Christian" I still feel the sting of pain..
I have my share of heartaches, so I call upon His name.

When I say... "I am a Christian" I'm not holier than thou,
I'm just a simple sinner Who received God's good grace, somehow!

God Bless You!

I am a fraud.....

so I think. I wonder if God thinks the same thing?

I try to read the Word. I try to engulf myself in it. Why do I feel so detached.

I was talking to a friend this morning who mentioned that I let myself be transparent sometimes. That I don't try to hide behind a curtain of "perfectness".

That is the thing. I am FAR from transparent. I don't let people in, I build up walls, I wear masks and I think that other people are allowed to do things but I am not. Like being vulnerable, it is ok for someone else to be vulnerable but not for me. It is NOT ok for me to break down and cry in front of people. It is a weakness. It is weak for ME to be transparent, vulnerable and to let it go. It is NOT ok.

Sure I sit here and type things out and parts of my life so I can get through things. But do I talk about it in "real life"? Nope.....not so much. I have broken down and been vulnerable in front of a couple people lately but they made me feel safe. Told me there was nothing wrong with it. That I was ok to cry. I hold a double standard for myself.

I am having a hard time eating healthy this week and I fell from it. I was "weak" and gave in to a burger rather then my usual, as of late, side salad and a bottle of water. Here is a vulnerable point.....I look in the mirror and ALL I SEE is F-A-T. I feel my collar bones because I have lost weight but it is not enough. I can't see them enough. Same with ribs or muscles on my legs. It is never enough. I actually don't look in the mirror anymore. Just at my face. Which isn't pleasant either. :P

I am guilty of feeling jealousy as of late. But I try REALLY REALLY hard to lean on God and give it to Him because that feeling is not OF HIM. It is from the enemy. I have been told that God loves me. Yet I am having a hard time believing that. Yeah, that is rude of me but it is how I feel. HOW can He love me! HOW! I am far from perfect. Guess that is how.

The old tapes of not being worthy, being ugly, fat, stupid and a moron play louder and louder. Yet I need to acknowledge that God is perfect and He loves me the way I am. I need to believe it deep in my soul. Need to believe that although I am NOT worthy of that love He thinks I am.

I will tell people of His love yet it can't apply to me. I am not worthy of it. It is not meant for me. I am a fraud. I hold double standards for myself. I wish I could allow myself the things I tell others. Allow myself to be vulnerable without feeling weak, without feeling ashamed, embarassed, guilty or stupid.

God help me to be the person you want me to be. This can't be it. This isn't a Godly person. Forgive me. I hope you are not ashamed of me.....

Nice way to start the day.....

Psalm 100

1 Shout for joy to the LORD, all the earth.

2 Worship the LORD with gladness;
come before him with joyful songs.

3 Know that the LORD is God.
It is he who made us, and we are his [a] ;
we are his people, the sheep of his pasture.

4 Enter his gates with thanksgiving
and his courts with praise;
give thanks to him and praise his name.

5 For the LORD is good and his love endures forever;
his faithfulness continues through all generations.

Psalm 37:4

thanks to Jillian for this....

"Delight yourself in the LORD
and he will give you the desires of your heart."

That is all I keep thinking about lately. That God WILL give me the desire of my heart. SOOOOOOO many around me are pregnant or are announcing. But I will in God's time.
Sure I find myself I am jealous of other people's STUFF but that is not what we are supposed to do. So I just keep learning more and more about God. I thank Him for what He has given us. He will give us our desires, we just need to delight in Him and wait for His timing. Whtether it be on this earth or in His presence in Heaven.

Beyonce

I don't watch Ellen normally. But for some reason I stopped on it for the last 20 minutes today. She had Beyonce on. Beyonce shared a beautiful song. I loved it. Sounds like God to me and like she was singing to God. I am not sure the title.....


That's why I love you (Flaws and all)


Every now and then without warning
I'm a train wreck in the morning
I can be really mean towards you
I'm a bitch in the afternoon
I'm a puzzle yes indeed
Every now and then without warning
Have a complex in every way
I can be really mean towards you
And all the pieces aren't even in the box
I'm a puzzle yes in deed
And yet, you see the picture clear as day
Ever complex in every way

And all the pieces aren't even in the box
Chorus
And yet, you see the picture clear as day.


I don't know why you love me
[Chorus]
And that's why I love you
I don't know why you love me
Catch me when I fall
And that's why I love you
Accept me flaws and all
You catch me when I fall
And that's why I love you
Accept me flaws and all
And that's why I love you
And that's why I love you [3x]
And that's why I love you


I neglect you when I'm working
Second Verse
When I need attention I tend to nag

I'm a host of imperfection
I neglect you when I'm working
And you see past all that
When I need attention I tend to nag
I'm a peasant by some standards
I'm a host of imperfection
But in your eyes I'm a queen
And you see past all that
You see potential in all my flaws
I'm a peasant by some standards
and that's exactly what I mean.
But in your eyes I'm a queen

You see potential in all my flaws
[Chorus]
And that's exactly what I mean
I don't know why you love me

And that's why I love you
Chorus
You catch me when I fall

Accept me flaws and all
Hook
and that's why I love you [3x]
Ha a ah(5 times)

I don't know why you love me
[Repeat Chorus]
And that's why I love you

You catch me when I fall

Accept me flaws and all

And that's why I love you(2 times)


Ha A Ah (out)

God's love

For some reason I have a hard time wrapping my head around the fact that I did NOTHING to deserves God's love. You did nothing, I did nothing. His love is so huge that no matter what we do, what we did or how we feel God loves us. He will never stop loving us. He will hurt with us, He will rejoice with us and He will just be with us.

This weekend I have heard messages of love from two different services and then this morning I got it in a devotional. I really think God is trying to drive the point home to me. I really think He is trying to get it through my thick head. So why is it so hard?

"WE love because he first loved us." 1John 4:19 (emphasis mine)

From the purpose driven life daily devotional today:
"We need to reach a day when we finally, fully understand how God loves us completely and unconditionally. We need to become secure in the truth that we cannot make God stop loving us."

Wow! You mean no matter what I do He will always love ME! I won't do anything that makes God disown me or cut me off from His family? That truly amazes me. Growing up you are always worried about doing something wrong to the point where you will be cut off from your parents love. I have felt that. Who hasn't? Then to think of God as my REAL Father and think that He won't ever cut me off? To think that I won't ever do something so bad that He will throw in the towel...tell me how worthless I am. Tell me how stupid I am. Tell me that He has given up on me. Tell me that I am not worth His time.
I can't honestly say that I do understand HOW God loves us completely and unconditionally. I just find I have a hard time wrapping my head around it. Can YOU wrap your head around it? God gave HIS son because He loved us. He loved the world so much that He gave up His only son. Wow. THAT is love!

So I need to really work on realizing that He loves me no matter what. That He will ALWAYS love me. It frustrates me that I find this so hard to wrap my head around. Why?
Apparently I am perfect in His eyes. The way I look I am perfect. (I find that hard to believe). But in essence if I insult myself am I not insulting God and His love for me?
Wow.....no one said this would be easy. When am I going to learn...

Our Daily Bread for today

I was sitting in the living room with my inlaws at their house when they did the devotional for today.

It really seemed to resonate with me. Talking about how the church should show love and not be divided. One "class" on one side and the other on the opposite side.

We read from 1John 4:7 God's love.
Two verses really stood out for me.

4:16 & 18

"And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him. There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear."

God's love is perfect. He will not falter like our earthly selves. When you live in love to one another you are living in God and God is living in you and your soul. God's love is perfect and it drives out any fear.

I have a BIG fear that I am going to mess up and screw up so badly that God will leave me that He will walk away from me. That I will be called a failure and He will give up on me. Blame me for not loving Him and not wanting to be in Him. It really blows me away to realize that I did nothing to deserve this love. I didn't have to. Neither did you. Neither do you. He loves us because we are His children. Each and every one of us. He loves us so much in fact that He has given us the ability to choose to follow Him. He gives us free will and when we choose to dedicate our life to Him and to spreading His word He rejoices. God loves all of us. Each and every one of us. No matter how much sin we may or may not have. No matter how hurt we feel, He will always be there. No matter how many times we "walk away" He is still right there. He is not far and has not left us. He has kept His commitment to us to love us no matter what. He is perfect. No matter if we feel like we can't be with Him, He knows we are made to love Him.

I don't really know what I am getting at besides the fact that it amazes me that He loves us so much. Without expectation. Without limits. Without borders. Without judgement. God IS perfect. God IS good. God IS love.

Trying to stay and be positive.

I have been trying to change lately. I have been trying to be a positive person.

I had a friend ask me how I was doing. I said I was doing fine. She said, really? I said yes, actually I think I am.

I wanted to try to fight the depression without pills. I still don't know if it will work or not but I only take it day by day. She asked how I was feeling after the miscarriage. Fine I said. Really? Yes, really.

Here's the thing:

If I didn't test early I would not have known. Although the hurt is still there as well as the pain I am ok. I know that it just wasn't God's will. He was telling me "Not yet". I don't think He will say no but it will be in HIS timing not the timing that I think is good.

She asked me how I was doing it. I said, really the only way I can do all of this is leaning on God. That leaning on Jesus and trusting in Him is the only thing I CAN do. But I am ok with that. He has the strength to pull me through. I am learning coping mechanisms, reading about boundaries and filling my mind and heart with Christ's love. What could be better?

Filling my head with His truth. With scripture to work through things. Finally starting to understand how the Sword of the Spirit works. I can't just expect God to take away the depression, to take away hurt, to make pain disappear but I can fill my heart and mind with His word to FIGHT against it all.

Lord fill me up....I am loving learning more about you. I am loving that YOU are in control. Forgive me for trying to be god and being in control of my own life because I am not. Help me to lean on You and be with You with my whole heart. I am trying, I really am.

"I know you are baby. You are doing well, I am pleased"

Really God? You are pleased even though I am still struggling? Even though I don't know what I am doing?

"Yes baby, you are trying. You are reaching to me, feeling Me, and pulling me further into you. That is what I long for. That is what I have always wanted for us. No matter the struggle you feel I am here, I always have been and I always will be."

I am really leaning on you God and honestly YOU are the only thing pulling me through. Not by my own strength but by yours.

"I am God. I am big enough to take this on. I am big enough to hold your tears, your anger, your love, your confusion and your hurt. I want all of you. I need all of you. I am pleased with you."

Thank you Lord. I can do this. I will do this. But only with your help.....

In the company of Faith

I had just recently bought this Organic Soy Sauce by Bragg. As I sat there reading the ingredients and whether or not it needed to be refrigerated after opening. Yeah I am anal that way. Anyway.....

Can you imagine my surprise when I look down at the front of the bottle and see a "Jesus" fish. As you can see in the picture it says 3 John 2. Now I have never really "ventured" to that area of the bible yet. I didn't really even know if that was right because I didn't know that there were three extra books of John in the bible. I know, I am so terrible with this stuff but I am forcing myself to be dedicated and learn. So I went to John 3:2 and as I was turning to it I see 3 John.

hmmmm....I thought....It really couldn't be could it? So I turned to 3 John 2. It was there. This is what it said:
"Dear friend, I pray that you may enjoy good health and that all may go well with you, even as your soul is getting along well."

Ok.....HOW COOL IS THAT!! A company stepped out in Faith and put a verse right on their product. I thought it was cool that I even noticed it!

I am trying to eat better and am learning how to do so. Organic is one of those areas, as well as salads. I don't drink any caffeine anymore, that includes pop. Of course I will eat Chocolate. So I am trying to get back to my old habits. My old good habits. I drink a LOT of water and am trying to make better choices for my body. When I make better choices for MY body and what I put into it in essence I am honoring God and what He has created.

"Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body." 1Cor 6:19-20

So all of this to say that I think it is very cool that a company and it's owners have a faith so huge that they step out and put it right on their product. Calling us friends. Friends in Christ.

I guess a lot of this is a ramble but at the same time it is just all coming to me. This is my heart. This is my feelings. This is what I have been learning.

Doing it Alone

Have you ever noticed that when we try to do things alone it just doesn't work? It builds and builds then breaks you down.

Well I find that with me anyway. I am a pretty sensitive person. I do NOT like to cry in front of people, I don't like to be vulnerable. Yet it is ok for OTHERS to do it in front of me and I tell them it is ok. I tell them to let it out. But is it ok for Misty to do? NO WAY!!

So I stuff it down and it builds. Builds and builds. I actually find that the more I try to push it down the more I can't seem to find God. It is like what I am stuffing is blocking it and building and taking over the Good.

Like the week I was losing the baby. I stuffed it down. I tried not to cry. I would "allow" myself when I was alone and in bed. When no one else would hear me or see me. Yet when I allowed myself that time it just didn't come. So near the end of the week I started to get angry. I started to get so flustered and confused I was having a hard time even FINDING God. He was right there but I was stuck in my own emotions that I couldn't even search for Him. My emotions took every other thought captive.

I broke down on Thursday and Sunday of last week. I foolishly cried in front of others. I broke down more in the hospital and I felt ashamed. I felt like I wasn't worthy of letting it out, of letting people see my emotions because MISTY was supposed to be strong, not show that I feel and hurt.

You know what? I DO feel and hurt. I am allowed to feel and hurt. To cry, to get angry, to not even have the words because the tears fall. I am allowed to be vulnerable and open. I feel God brings people into my life that I can be that way around. If that makes sense.

Heard this in my care group last night:
"I do not know of one person who has ever been healed by crying alone on her bed in the dark. Every person I know who finds healing for his or her wounds or strength to battle addictions or sin find it in the light of fellowship and love." pg 38 - When Wallflowers Dance.

I wasn't finding the healing I needed when I was doing it on my own. I broke down in front of people and I felt the heaviness release. I felt my shoulders shake while losing the weight that held me down. I didn't have to be ashamed. Although I felt like an UTTER FOOL during these times it was ok. God MEANT for it to happen. He meant for me to be vulnerable and He gave me the guidance and the feeling that there were certain people that were safe. These people could be the light of fellowship and Love for me. For God. They were doing God's work by allowing me to break. By being supportive and letting me get it out. By caring for me and praying for me. Two dear people let me shed the tears. Let me have the release. Showed me it is ok for MISTY to cry. It is ok for me to be vulnerable and that I was safe.

I can't do it alone. I can't be strong. I am weak, I am human, I feel. God is my strength and He sends the people into my life at just the right moments to help me carry my burdens. To help me feel and remember to reach for God, to help me carry the load to the One that has the strength to do so.

"Praise be to the Lord, to God our Savior, who daily bears our burdens. Ps. 68:19

"Carry each others burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ." Gal 6:2

No where in those verses does it say anything about doing it alone. We are not created to do it alone. We NEED to lean on God. We need to reach for scripture, for God, or if we are so lost that we can't find the Light we need to reach for those that have a light shining so bright. Those people God has blessed our lives with so they can lift us when we are too weak to lift ourselves. I feel selfish when I do it. When I ask for prayer. When I break down and cry. But that is how I am created. I am created to reach out, to carry other peoples burdens and to share my own. Doesn't mean I take the burdens on AS my own but it means I can be the ear to listen, the shoulder to cry on or the arms to embrace. That is how God created me, that is how God created US. We are not to do it alone.

I am so thankful for the lights God shines in my life. I am thankful that I don't have to do it alone. I am thankful for Him.

This is kind of rough....

I am not sure what to do either.

I have been dizzy for about a month off and on. Today is another day of it. Woke up dizzy and nauseated. Of course I am not pregnant.

Today I am more frustrated and I am sure it is not making things better. My house is a disaster and I need to try to clean it. Phil has lost his drivers license which I am trying to find.

My carpet needs to be vacuumed and steam cleaned. I feel like I am running out of room.

So I am sitting here writing this out hoping that maybe just maybe I can get a lot of this off my mind.

The dizziness is really pissing me off. My family doctor, who is a great guy, told me that it was because I wasn't drinking enough water. I am now drinking 3/3.5L of water a day. Am I feeling better? NO! Having headaches, dizziness and even light headed. This is rediculous.

So I find myself praying to try to get through this.

Not sure why I am going through this right now but obviously there is a reason. I just am not sure what it is yet. I won't get the answer for this. It is just something I am going to have to live with and learn to tolerate but some days it is crazier then others. Today is one of those days. I can barely see straight because of the dizziness.

On the plus side though I am excited to make dinner tonight. I bought all healthy and organic food for a stir fry. I am hoping it turns out and am very excited. Been eating a lot of salads lately too. So I am trying to eat better and I am also excited about that. Guess I get excited too easily and I also get frustrated too easily. I am very frustrated with this dizziness.

I am also very frustrated that I still have pain in that right ovary area. The pain is about a 3 on the scale of 1-10. Enough to be bothersome and I feel like I will never know what is going on with my body. Maybe there is something wrong with that ovary and it really is my fault for the miscarriages. NO! Must stop thinking that! But WHERE is this pain coming from? I want to cry.


All I can do right now is search scripture and pray.

"I sought the Lord and he answered me;
He delivered me from all my fears.
Those who look to Him are radiant;
their faces are never covered with shame."
Ps. 34:4-5

It was the first thing I found today. I am crying out to God. I am not going to let the dizziness and the frustration control me. The enemy does NOT and WILL NOT have control over me. I am praying for answers to the dizziness and patience to deal with the housework one step at a time.

Guess this is more of a vent then anything. There is only so much I can take with the dizziness. PLEASE God, let us find answers....

A mile a minute....

That has been my brain lately. It has been going even faster then usual. I had a hard time shutting it off last night and got just five hours of sleep. Of course when I was trying to sleep I had this blog all figured out. But now I am here, up for the day and I forget most of it. But still going to get some things out.

I keep wondering WHY I lost two babies. Yet I know that I will never know that answer and I need to let go and let God.

I do take life way too seriously and I need to learn to laugh more. Believe it or not I used to laugh a lot. I never used to be so serious so I found myself praying for that last night.

The biggest thing that I have done over the last month, about two weeks or so, is write letters. The old fashioned way. I sat down and wrote letters to people I was angry at. Yeah, those were long letters. I was advised to write them then rip them up. I was given the advise then I think it took me almost two weeks (maybe a little more then a week) to finally write them. When I was asked if I had written them I had to sheepishly admit that no I hadn't.
I will admit it. I was a skeptic. How the HECK would writing letters and not sending them help me. I thought it was kind of useless. I thought it would do me no good. What was the point? How would writing these letters, ripping them up and throwing them out help me to get rid of anger? Yeah sure....I'll get right on that. I was hugely skeptical and even asked HOW this would help. HOW I should do this. etc etc etc.
But once I was asked if I had written them I figured that it was time. I was asked if they were written during a time that I was having an angry day. Trust me it was not pretty. Panic/anxiety attacks coming from no where. Then of course I had asked my doctor, after telling her about the attacks and such, if it was MY fault I lost the baby. In between tears I asked if my attacks, my stress, was the reason WHY I lost the baby. She kindly looked at me and said it was not your fault. That having that stress, especially so far in the begining of the pregnancy would not do any harm. That in itself lifted a burden from my shoulders.
So anyway.....
I wrote these damn letters. The whole time grumbling and grunting about how this was going to do me no good. Yeah, I got out a page and a half front and back. All my anger was staring me in the face on this piece of paper. Almost like it was mocking me. I re-read the "letter" and then as I was reading it I felt like I had gotten out all I needed to say. I thought I would cry writing it but I didn't. I was more angry. Just sheer anger, frustration and hurt. No tears.
Then I ripped it up and threw it out.
The next step was writing a letter of forgiveness. Yeah sure.....I'll get right on that! LOL! The talking on my end to this person was endless. How can I write these letters of forgiveness when I really don't FEEL it. I don't FEEL like forgiving. I was told that it was not what I FEEL it was an action that I needed to preform. I was appreciative of the help I was getting and trusted this person completely but then I found myself once again thinking yeah; alright....I'll get right on that.
God forgave ME not because I deserve it but because He loves me and He wants me to be free and happy. I hope I got that part right. Lord knows I do not deserve any forgiveness.
So I asked how to do it. It was simple. I was to write...I forgive you for.....
HOLY SMOKES that ended up being a page in of itself. As I was writing it I was letting it all go. I was letting myself not hold onto this anymore. I was not going to let the anger control me anymore. Once the letters were done I re-read them and a weight was lifted. I read it out loud. Lord knows that in my heart I have a hard time believing it but I chose to do the action of forgiving and asking God to help me to let it go even if I didn't feel it.
Are you angry? Are you hurting? Write a letter! DON'T send it though. It is between you and God. It was a bonding moment for me and a freeing moment. From that moment I wasn't as angry anymore.
Until last Wednesday. Oh dear did anger come out and short patience. I am ashamed to admit it. But this time around I REALIZED where it came from. It came from me! I held in any emotion, any tears and any pain in my heart the whole week. I wasn't meant to hold in that pain. It came out on Thursday, and then I felt numb Friday. But it was more light hearted. Feeling safe that I had let out the emotion and I wasn't stupid for having those feelings. For letting them go. I was safe. God's arms were around me, there was a hedge of protection in that room, in that ER. I was ok.

I think too much. I am a sensitive person and am guilty of taking things too seriously. Does God want me walking around taking things seriously? Does He want me to try to sit here and figure out all the answers? Does He want me to beat myself up and think about how I could have prevented things? Does He want me to let my hurt and anger control my life anymore? I could only come up with ONE ANSWER......NO.....

I believe He wants me to be happy. He wants me to laugh, to sing and to dance. He wants me to enjoy life. I am not meant to carry burdens or hurts from the past, the present or the future. I can't control any of it! Only God has the strength to carry those burdens. Thankfully HE has the strength to do so. Thankfully HE IS GOD. Thankfully HE is so patient, kind and loving.

I have a lot to learn. My brain needs to slow down and not go so fast. I need to realize that I don't and won't have all the answers. I am not meant to have the answers. I will more then likely never know the answers until I meet Him in Heaven. Sure I think I will have tons of questions but at the same time I bet that will probably be the only moment that I am truly speechless.

So time to just slow down, take each day as it comes, not let hurts and anger control my life. Time to give myself credit and laugh. To not think I am a loser, that I don't deserve to be happy. Because God thinks I am deserving of so much more. Now that this is out I feel lighter again. I feel like I can sing and dance. I want to dance on a mountain top. Maybe I should go for a hike today.....

I am going to CHOOSE to be happy. I am going to CHOOSE to forgive. I am going to CHOOSE to dance. I am going to CHOOSE to live and love. This will be hard for some cases and some things but I am going to CHOOSE to do the right thing and to not let things pull me under anymore. We'll see how well this goes. We'll see if I can stand up and stick to what I choose. Time to stand my ground, defend myself and not let myself feel walked over. It is going to be hard in so many areas but God is with me. He will guide me and hold me when I fall. I wonder if He has the net out and is ready yet......

This past week.....

has been yet another difficult one for me. Quite the emotional roller coaster.

*Warning for all you male readers....talk about blood :P *

Last Friday, the 8th I got a positive pregnancy test. YAY! Your thinking right? Wrong....Sunday I started to spot a bit. But was told because of the color and stuff that it was probably implantation. Then Monday my world came crashing down....

Lots of bleeding on Monday. Then came the clots and tissue Monday night until Wednesday evening. I know that may be hard for some to read and people may wonder WHY I am writing about this. WHY am I writing about this? Yes it hurts me but what if somewhere someone else is having the same struggle and God directs them here. You know it can happen. What if my experiences help someone to think that they are NOT alone in this.....

So I had an appointment with my doc on Thursday. She is probably one of the best doctors you would ever meet. She is a Christian and boy is her light ever bright! She is very positive and will make you laugh no matter what the situation.
Anyway, she did an internal and said my uterus didn't FEEL pregnant. (I didn't know that a uterus could feel pregnant. LOL) She checked my ovary, where the pain was. I was having pain for a few days but it was tolerable although on Thursday it had gotten worse. As had the dizziness and light headedness (is that a word). Anyway she touched the area and man I couldn't even cry it hurt so bad. There was like no tears left to cry. She said that although my tubes felt fine and such but she wanted to send me to the ER just in case it could be an ectopic pregnancy.

Let's back track a bit. I have usually been dizzy here and there but the passing out feeling was new. I thought that it would go away but it didn't.
So in I went on Thursday. She called over to the ER asked who the doctors were that were on and asked to speak to one of them. So she talked to one and told him all about me and that she will send me directly to him and if I needed any forms. She was told no forms were needed.
So she sat down and prayed with me. Get this....in there was the verse that I used to hate SO much but now I find is pulling me through. In her own words she had phrases from Jer. 29:11. When she prayed for the ER doc I felt a calm and peace. I was blubbering like a flipping fool but it was ok in her office. She was ok with it. I pushed down all my emotions all week and that is what you get, it all comes out at once.
anyway....long story even longer.....going to skip some stuff....
I got into the ER. Had to do the whole strip thing and the nurse put an IV in my arm. While saying that my veins did look a little deflated. Whatever that means. So the doctor came in. A sweet and caring man and ordered the blood work my doc wanted done. So there I lay in this little room, 4 walls and cold. (Yeah as a friend joked they put me in isolation, I was a danger to the other patients. LOL) The nurse was sweet and got me WARM blankets. It was so nice. I was scared, nervous and alone. Lots of tears, repeating Jer. 29:11 a lot. My dreaded verse has now become my saving verse. I couldn't pray anymore. I had prayed for the docs, for my doc, for the nurses, and for strength. I had no strength left. I was broken. I lay there in tears, holding my cross on my necklace because I had no words. Then I felt Him. I felt Jesus come, lay behind me and put His arms around me and whisper "be still child, be still" then the next thing I knew it was a couple hours later and the doc was back. Not sure if I did end up passing out because of feeling so light headed or if it was the meds or both.
He said my HCG was 5. So that the baby was lost. He was compassionate when he said it. Then he said he was going to keep me over night for an u/s the next morning.

The next afternoon I got my u/s. It was the SAME lady who did my u/s for the last pregnancy in Chilliwack. Can you say, GOD!! She was such a kind lady and was brought into my life then for the kindness and support and then brought back yesterday.
The fallopian tubes were clear, looks like everything was passed on it's own. The doc said that I was more then likely not pregnant but that is what confuses me. I believe 110% that life begins at conception. A positive is a positive. 5 is just under the limit and that was done 6 days AFTER my positive test. More then enough time to be going out of my system from all the bleeding.

but anyway....all in all I am ok. I got an email this morning and it hit the nail right on the head
"you may be going through a tough time right now but God is getting ready to bless you in a way that you cannot imagine."
that is what I keep thinking. That somewhere, sometime I will meet this perfect child that God wants for me. That He decides each of these last two times that it just wasn't right. That is the only thing keeping me holding on. Last loss I was angry, this loss I am more just leaning on God. Sure I am angry. But I am hurt and trusting.
Like I was told, God doesn't GIVE bad things. Bad comes through the enemy and through the world. I have to stop blaming myself (easier said then done) for the loses and must have Faith. Having that faith is getting easier for me. I love how someone dear to me looks at God. God is their best friend, they hang out with Him, they chat with Him. I am working on that.
So although I am hurting I am hopeful and holding faith.
I blocked a lot of emotions this last week and it came out in the end as a flood of tears and anger. I felt foolish sitting there in front of my doctor crying my face off. But I was made to feel safe.
I am so thankful for the wonderful doctors and nurses that surrounded me and supported me. That was definately God.
Sorry this got so long but if you read this far thank you. It helps to get it out and talk. I am sure there is going to be a lot of talking on my end soon. Sigh....

*The doctors names and nurses names are kept confidential due to the fact that I have not asked permission from them to post their names. Although they were great doctors and nurses, in essence a great team, I will not repeat their names unless I am told by them to do so.*

I really hope that my story helps others. I have been deeply hurt with this and by other things during this time but I have the faith.
God I am weak so I lean on you....

"Lean Child lean, I am strong enough to hold you. I have enough buckets to hold your tears. I am here...."

Yes I have probably posted this before.....

yet today I find myself singing it again.

Actually I woke up in the middle of the night singing it and that is what put me to sleep. Blessed is His name. No matter how hurt I feel, how much I block the tears or what He decides to do with my life. Blessed be His name, because HE is in control of my life and I am not. Although it may feel like a hard time I know I am going through this for a reason. No matter WHAT happens God is still my Father, He won't leave me and I believe. I will have the Faith. I will ask, BEG, Him to hold me and He won't let me down.....

Actions speak louder then words and my actions are going to be having Faith. But my words are going to be this song. I am going to go read some Psalms.

I have worked really hard to block the tears, the hurt, the feeling of rejection and the sadness. Not so sure I am able to block them anymore.....


Blessed Be Your Name
by Matt Redman
- - -
Blessed Be Your Name
In the land that is plentiful
Where Your streams of abundance flow
Blessed be Your name

Blessed Be Your name
When I'm found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed Be Your name

Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

Blessed be Your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's 'all as it should be'
Blessed be Your name

Blessed be Your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be Your name

Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, blessed be Your name

I am not sure what to title this one.

I had a friend pass away last May from cancer. I was going through my email contacts and realized I still have this friend in my email. I still have her as a friend in facebook.

I will never again see her in this life and will get to see her in Heaven but yet I cannot bring myself to delete it. I miss her. I am thinking I need to write her a letter but I guess I am afraid of doing it because it seals it. It acknowledges that I really will not ever talk to her again.

Maybe it is because I feel like I was not a great friend and if I had done more or contacted her more often she would know that I love her. I miss her a lot. I have been thinking about her. But she is not on this planet anymore. So why can't I remove her from my contacts? It just seems so final.

I guess I should be a big girl and just do it. Yet here I am hesitating.....

Small still voice

Comes from my son a lot of the time and it is such a wonderful gift and blessing.

I think sometimes that I can't hear God. Yet in actuality I think He is talking to me through my son.

Cooper knows just the right words to say to make me feel better, to calm my heart, to slow me down. The small still voice that I read about and hear about comes out of the mouth of my 2.5 year old.

Then at church we worshiped to "I need to be still". I found myself dropping to my knees. Head in my hands letting the tears fall. Although I am not fully ready to discuss things just yet I felt an easing of my soul. I let the tears fall. I let myself feel. Know what I felt? GOD!!!

I felt an arm around me and I even opened my eyes to look. There was no one there. Was it God?

"yes child, I was there. I am there. Holding you when you cry and drying those eyes"

I feel so weak when I cry. Vulnerable. Foolish. Scared.

"When you are weak I am strong."

Don't leave me God!

"I never have and I never will. I am God, you will never disappoint me, you will always be my love and the one I choose to dance with. I will hold your hands, I will hold you while you cry, sing, dance and laugh. You just have to let me."

I am trying God, I really am.

"I know you are baby. I am proud of you. You can do this. I am here, I send people who can help and I love that you listen to their voices. You are listening to me. From the youngest person you love to the newest friend, the newest trust. You are hearing me. You are stopping to listen and I am proud of you."

Thank you God.......Thank you......

Hold me as I cry, hold me as I smile. Keep me warm.

"I always will"



Things are up and down as they are for most people and I am finding myself being able to cope a little better then I used to be. I find that the anger and the jumping at the littlest things is less. Funny how the more God is there, the more I let myself run to Him and the more I learn about Him, the better I can tolerate things.
It is a learning game. I over think. I over analyze. I hurt easily. Thankfully He is as simple as just BEING GOD.


not sure if any of this makes sense.....just things that came to my mind today.

What do you see?

I got this in my daily devotional yesterday and it has given me something to think on. I have always wondered, when someone looks at me do they KNOW or can they SEE by my example that I am a Christian? Do I portray God's love in a way He can be proud, in a way that people say "I WANT that" ?

"As you browse holiday catalogs, consider what the “catalog” of your life says about God. Do people see qualities in you that make them long for God?
What does the world see in us
That they can’t live without?
Do they see winsome qualities
And love that reaches out? —Sper

As a Christian, you are “God’s advertisement.” Do people want what they see in you?" ODB


I want to be someone that when people look at me they think, "WOW! I want what she has!" But am I? Well first of all you tell me. Secondly I don't think I am.

Although I want to be, I find I get caught up in my busy life. I forget who I am, let alone stopping to worship God. Stopping to get to know Him better. I get caught up in my own little world that I don't come across as a happy person. The person I used to be. I used to laugh more. I used to giggle and just enjoy things more then I do now. What happened? I am not 100% sure but I do know that it needs to change.

Lord, I DESIRE to have you and your life radiating from me. I want Your light to be visible to the world. I want to stand on top of the mountain and proclaim the love I have for you. Gee I don't want much do I.

"It is ok to want child, but I need you to do your part."

I know God. Help me to be a better person. Help my light shine better in me.

"It is always shining child you just need to see it yourself. I am proud of you and I know you want to get closer to Me. You are taking the steps and that is what I need you to do. Although you may feel far from Me know that I am right here waiting for you. Waiting for you to reach out your hand and take My own."

ok God....I am going to reach. I am going to let my light shine.


I always wonder what people think of me when they meet me. Sometimes I am afraid to hear the answers. I know one person had always thought I hated her. It wasn't until recently that I learned that and I hugged her and cried. I told her that I thought SHE hated me. I am a shy person, believe it or not, and I don't mean to come across harsh. I just am quiet. I guess that is where I don't look like a very good Christian. I don't act like a Christian. Although I know that I am a Christian I NEED to learn to let that show through. To let that be so unmistakable people think, "Dang! I want that!"

sigh....always a learning game.

"When wallflowers Dance" - by Angela Thomas

"When we are first learning to dance, it's always better to have someone to take you by the hand and whisper softly in your ear, 'No worries; just watch me, follow my lead. I am going to teach you exactly what to do.' "
pg 26


The start of week two in this book is above. I think I am learning through this book as well. I really do learn well through reading, understanding and experience. What she said here made me wonder. How many times had God taken my hand, whispered in my ear; no worries. Just watch me. Follow my lead. I am going to teach you exactly what to do.

Wow God. Thank you that YOU know what to do because quite frankly I am at a complete loss.

"I know you are child, that is why I am here. You just have to open your heart to me."

Well God, I am too scared to. I am letting my pride and fear of the unknown take over. The fear of being vulnerable. The fear of being transparent.

"fear not...."

God grant me the wisdom to do this. The support that I may need during these times. Thank you for your love, for your word, for your messengers. Thank you that when I am weak, vulnerable, tired and scared you take my hand and tell me No worries.


Not sure where that all came from. But as I head into areas that are unknown to me I am understanding that He is there. That there is His word to guide me, those with His wisdom to give a gentle push to carry on. I want to know Him more. I really truly do. Thankfully He knows how to do this dance. Thankfully He will take me and my two left feet, into His arms. Into His love and embrace.

Ok God....here I am to learn. Teach me....



ok.....another entry here.....9:30am
I went on to page 28 and was like DANG!!!! That is ME!

"Now, pile up decades of those small struggles for all of us, and the soul grows weary. Dreams fade. We can become numb, and many of us try to stay numb. Trying not to feel because feeling might hurt again."

HOLY SMOKES!! I have just been saying that to someone this morning. Yet I didn't use the word numb, I used the words brave and strong. However, I am really thinking that numb is a better word.
I don't want to cry because I feel foolish. OR is it because I don't want to hurt again. Heck yeah! Who DOES want to hurt again. Who does want those wounds opened further to make you think more. Yet I have been told to let those tears fall. To let myself feel. To not worry about what others may think.
To be honest I wonder what GOD might think as well. Am I a screw up? Is He going to think "sigh...here she goes again!"

I think numb is a better word. Numb hits the nail right on the head. Do I like to feel numb? I think it is a dual answer. Yes and no. I don't like to because I am not myself. I don't like to feel numb because it doesn't allow me to grow.
I DO like to be numb because I feel safe, I don't feel vulnerable and I won't have to hurt again.

I am starting to wonder if maybe, just maybe, I need to ALLOW myself to feel that hurt. To feel the pain. To feel the hot tears stream down my face and acknowledge that I am worthy to let these feelings out. I am "allowed" to do it.

Funny, because I swear....it is time to move on. Time to let the wall down, to say screw it to the numbness and become who God has made me to be. There is so much I can post about right now but I will save my other thoughts for another day. Thinking takes too much time and is very over rated. Yet I still do it.

time to release the numbness. To move on.....to keep going.....To dance.

Our Daily Bread for today

"Just as a bird is never bigger than a mountain, no problem is ever bigger than God. It’s all a matter of changing our perspective."

"The problems that we face each day
Can seem too much to bear
Until we turn our eyes to Christ
And trust His tender care. —Sper"

"We worship a God who is greater than our greatest problem."



I love when things are put simply like that for me and I can really relate to it. This daily bread made me understand and made me think of how big God really is.

weigh in at the gym tonight

So I got back from the gym and I thought I would update. I could have done better but at least I lost not gained.

I could have done so much better had I stuck to it BUT with that being said, I feel like I have done well considering. Also seeing the results.

So the measurements from Aug. 11 are when I first joined, then today.


Aug. 11 ~~~~~~ Oct. 28 total

weight 199.0lbs ~~~~~~ 182.4lbs (-16.6)
Shoulders 43" ~~~~~~ 42" (-1")
Chest 42" ~~~~~~ 40.5" (-1.5")
Waist 38" ~~~~~~ 35.75 (-2.25")
Hips 48" ~~~~~~ 43" (she redid this measurement 3 times!) (-5")
Thighs 25.5" ~~~~~~ 23" (-2.5")
Calf(sp?) 16" ~~~~~~ 15.5 (-.5")
Abs 40" ~~~~~~ 38" (-2")
Bicept 13.25" ~~~~~~ 12.5" (-.75")
Bicept flex 14" ~~~~~~ 13.5" (-.5")


She is doing a new schedule up for me. I have to get past the weight number and the body fat which is at 40.1 now instead of 41.4. My BMI is 27.7 instead of the 29.4 it was. I have to get past those crazy numbers because I did lose. I could be worse! I do feel proud of myself and have to stop focussing on the negative.

Look what I made!!

I have been inspired by Michelle and all her sewing and crafts. Although this looks very amateurish I tried. A few things were learned:

1) buy inerfacing
2) PREWASH material first (I knew this but forgot and got anxious to work at it)
3) have an iron

so anyway I think it turned out not too bad. This is SUPPOSED to be size three but it looks pretty big to me. Don't mind the quality of pics. This is a first for me. I did enjoy it and it really didn't take too long.

More from The Shack -pg.136

Sarayu is God's Holy Spirit.

Sarayu is talking to Mack here....

" 'Mackenzie, evil is a word we use to describe the absence of Good, just as we use the word darkness to describe the absence of Light or death to describe the absence of Life. Both evil and darkenss can only be understood in relation to Light and Good; they do not have any actual existence. I am Light and I am Good. I am Love and there is no darkness in me. Light and Good actually exist. So, removing yourself from me will plunge you into darkness. Declaring independence will result in evil because apart from me, you can only draw upon yourself. That is death because you have separated yourself from me: Life.' "


The last three sentences are kind of what really got me but I included the whole paragraph so you can see where it was coming from.
'So removing yourself from me will plunge you into darkness.' - well dang that explains why I feel detached and alone from God. Because I removed myself from HIM. I blamed HIM, I was angry at HIM, I decided I didn't need HIM and that He really wasn't all that perfect. I was in darkness, I was alone but it was MY FAULT. He was really there all along and still is and now that I have been trying to bring myself back into Him, I think I can see the light.

'Declaring independence will result in evil because apart from me, you can only draw upon yourself.' - another well dang moment. That is so true. I didn't have anywhere else to turn. I had felt lost and alone and in my times of this darkness I only felt I could trust myself and what I can do for me. Wow. I was wrong. Soooo thankful for those that have cared for and about me and loved me through all these things.

'That is death because you have separated yourself from me: Life'. Yep I sure did. I felt like I had died inside. WHY?? Because I put up a wall around myself so that He could not penetrate it. When in actuality who was I kidding. He knocks and waits for me to answer. Thank you Lord!

I don't think being a Christian is always going to feel like being on top of the mountain. I think we are like any human and will have ups and downs. I don't think we are invincible but when we have those downs where do we turn? To God? To friends? To family? To loved ones? To ourselves? And who is going to have the answers to the questions we ask? Only God. God working through loved ones. God working through those that care.
I couldn't hear, feel or see God. Right at this moment I think I realize that it was not because He wasn't there. It was because I wasn't there. I was dead because I had separated myself from Life.

I am sure I make no sense but there is a huge part of me that feels happy because I know in my heart of hearts that He is holding me. That my life is worthy, that He knows what is in store. The good, the bad, the ugly and the beautiful. Although I may not understand and my garden may look a mess, He takes pride in it. In me. I am worthy of Him. He is there. Time to let that sink in fully.....

baby steps I guess.

Psalm 91

1 He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High
will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. [a]

2 I will say [b] of the LORD, "He is my refuge and my fortress,
my God, in whom I trust."

3 Surely he will save you from the fowler's snare
and from the deadly pestilence.

4 He will cover you with his feathers,
and under his wings you will find refuge;
his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.

5 You will not fear the terror of night,
nor the arrow that flies by day,

6 nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness,
nor the plague that destroys at midday.

7 A thousand may fall at your side,
ten thousand at your right hand,
but it will not come near you.

8 You will only observe with your eyes
and see the punishment of the wicked.

9 If you make the Most High your dwelling—
even the LORD, who is my refuge-

10 then no harm will befall you,
no disaster will come near your tent.

11 For he will command his angels concerning you
to guard you in all your ways;

12 they will lift you up in their hands,
so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.

13 You will tread upon the lion and the cobra;
you will trample the great lion and the serpent.

14 "Because he loves me," says the LORD, "I will rescue him;
I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name.

15 He will call upon me, and I will answer him;
I will be with him in trouble,
I will deliver him and honor him.

16 With long life will I satisfy him
and show him my salvation."

I suck at this

I feel like I am not a good parent. Like I can't handle this. I used to have more control over Cooper and now HE is controlling me. AT TWO AND A HALF!

I think I checked out a long time ago and I think he has taken advantage of that. Sure today he is sick but he is pushing every button and stretching things as far as they can go. It is like I don't know how to discipline him anymore. I have stopped being consistent. I have to get that back.

I feel like I have failed as a parent and like I shouldn't be doing this. That Phil will be more suited to it. Right now Cooper is pitching a fit because he wants me to "come back". I told him if he didn't lay down I would leave. Prayers were done, books were read and kisses were given. Hugs were administered and so was a song. He insisted on pushing me and saying he wanted another book. I said no.

So right now he is calling for me, screaming is more like it and I am trying to just let it go. It is hard as my every being wants to go and scoop him up and cuddle him. I will go in there and put him back in bed and tell him he needs to stay in bed but I just feel like I don't even know what I am doing anymore.

He used to be so well behaved. That went out the window. I am sure you ask anyone and they will tell you how he is. He is a very high spirited, controlling child. Apparently just like I was as a child.

Maybe I am not cut out for this parenting thing. Maybe I should only have one. I need to check back in and figure out consistency. It has been a long day and I feel like I just can't take anymore.

and I just got a call from the local Liberal party in my area. Grr....stupid telemarketers.

Maybe I need to check into a mental institute and not come out. LOL. I hear the jackets are nice. hahaha.....

crazy, crazy, going crazy, 1...2....3....4...going crazy.....switch....

LOL. kidding.


BIG SIGH

simple things.....

amuse me.

I made my first batch of muffins. Right from scratch. I have NEVER done that before. Last night I made a loaf of white bread in the bread machine, never done that either. This morning I have a loaf of cinnamon raisin in the bread machine, I bet Cooper will love it!

I also have apples on the stove and am making my own apple sauce (have always done that.) I have loads of laundry going. The kids are playing nicely.

I am looking forward to making whole wheat bread but still need some more ingredients!

I am having fun. What a dork hey!

I'm working at it......

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight. Do not be wise in your own eyes; fear the LORD and shun evil" (Proverbs 3:5-7).

This hit me.....

"When all you can see is your pain, perhaps then you lose sight of me."

pg. 96 - The Shack
God speaking to Mack

"Mack, pain has a way of clipping our wings and keeping us from being able to fly." .... "And if left unresolved for very long, you can almost forget that you were ever created to fly in the first place."

pg. 97
God speaking to Mack again

Safety

Tired of reaching out
you give in and lose all
you had ever known.
Arms by your side you
have given in to defeat.
The loneliness and darkness
surround you until you
can't breathe anymore.
you lose who you were somewhere
within the struggle.
Given up with all hope lost;
OR SO YOU THOUGHT.
Just as you had given in, admitted
that you are alone, defeated,
badly bruised and bleeding
Safety reaches out to you.
Pulls you in under it's wing as
you lean your head against its
warmth, giving in to the tears,
the anger, the hurt and vulnerability.
Safety pulls you close and doesn't
let you go as you break down.
Feeling weaker with each tear, with
each sob you surrender.
Surrender to the safety that reached
back to you just as you
knew you couldn't go on.
Safety knew, knew the Love you needed,
knew the Touch, knew the Surrender
that was only available through
His love.
You are worthy, you are safe, you
are vulnerable but shielded.
His arms reached out as you lay
there broken and torn in the
darkness you became familiar with.
Then came the Safety and light as
you battle to stay strong you
believe that He won't leave you.
You have to believe that
YOU ARE SAFE.

A pillar......me !!???

a friend told me this past week that I am a pillar at church.

I said, what do you mean?

She proceeded to tell me that both Phil and I are always there. Every Sunday (not EVERY Sunday) and we are always making ourselves useful. We show up to events and such as well too.

It is funny because I never thought that someone would think that made us a pillar. However, she said it did. Made me think about it. Made me realize that we are indeed a main part of church.

I have another friend asking me to try their church on a Sunday and I keep telling her that I really can't. I have made obligations to my church as has Phil. I am proud to be a part of New Heights. I am proud to serve. I am proud of our family and community.

Never thought of myself as a pillar. Wonder if that is how God feels? It was neat to hear though.

"In My Arms"

Is the name of a song by a lady who goes by Plumb.

It is mainly about her protecting her child, from what I can gather but there is the chorus that stood out to me.

"clouds will rage and
storms will race in
but you will be safe
in my arms
rains will pour down
waves will crash around
but you will be safe
in my arms "


Makes me kind of think about God. Maybe He is trying to say the same thing to me, to you. Funny because I thought that I didn't hear God lately so why is it that songs are making me think it is Him. Maybe He really is here.....I just need to believe it more.

Verses

For being a verse that I think I can honestly say I hate, it sure keeps coming into my head. You think God is trying to say something? Maybe I am hearing Him a bit this morning.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

Did you guess the verse. Yep, my dreaded Jer. 29:11. I think it is the only verse in the bible that I know where it is and what number it is. I cringe when I read it. I cringe when I hear it or someone says it to me.

This past weekend on Saturday the verse was said FOUR times. FOUR FLIPPING TIMES! Each time it was harder to hear. Each time I rolled my eyes. I cried. Talk about not being receptive!

This morning I thought about it. ME. Not given to me, not read, not said. Well I guess God gave it to me. Guess there is hope for me after all.....

Praise You in This Storm

I was sure by now
God, You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say "Amen", and it's still raining

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with You"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

CHORUS
I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
Every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry
You raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can't find You

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with You"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

CHORUS

I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth
(repeat)

CHORUS
Though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

-Casting Crowns


I heard this song just now. I cried. I belt it out loud and strong but then crumbled to my knees. Sigh.....I WANT TO FEEL HIM AGAIN!!!! I want to praise Him. Help....