A week I never want to go through again - Part 2

Where was I? Oh yeah - the goal to find the vein.
Remember: The following may be too graphic for some - reader discretion advised....

I had actually become so dehydrated that it was hard for the nurse to find my vein. Finally he was able to and he put in the needle that would provide me nutrients and the hydration that my body and the baby so badly needed. That needle hurt!!
So the needle was in and the course of pain killers started. I am allergic to morphine so they had to do the demeral (I am sure I spelt that wrong!) When you do the demeral you need to follow it immediately with the gravol. Thankfully they were quick with that! The shot didn't do anything. It wasn't strong enough so they gave me a double dose. Immediately my mind went to the baby. Was this ok for my little one? I tried to ask between the drowsiness and the absolute state of dumbness. To ease my mind and to verify that I was pregnant they got the Doppler out to listen to little Bean's heart beat. There it was. Doped up but strong at 120 bpm. I cried. There was our baby and daddy was right there to hear it. It was getting late and then I see Michelle. She came to check on us. It was nice to have people there. There is nothing scarier then being in a hospital by yourself.
They had decided to admit me so that the next morning they could run the tests that they needed to. Phil, knowing that I would be admitted and the pain was being managed and that his two people were being cared for went home. I was scared. He had to go to work the next day so he needed his rest.
Trying to sleep in the emergency ward is another story. My eyes were heavy and yet I could not sleep and when I did it felt like an hour only to find out that it was only ten minutes. I woke up closer to midnight and the pain was getting bad again. I was in tears and I wished that Phil was there. I heard the curtain open and saw Sue. She came to visit me as well. It was good timing.
So the next morning I went for an ultrasound to check out the galbladder and the kidneys. They did see fluid in the kidneys which suggested a kidney infection. While they were there they snuck a peak at LB (Little Bean). It was amazing! The little heart was going at 152 bpm. There it was. Moving around running from the technician. It even waved. I cried cause daddy couldn't be there for the first ultrasound. The technician felt bad so she snuck a picture of the little one off for me. It now sits in a little silver frame that says "baby". I was upset cause I had no one to share it with. Just after being brought back into the emergency room I had a visitor. Barely able to move and totally drugged I was like, "look, look...." While reaching under the pillow to grab the picture. It was my ray of light in such a dark situation. I had to stay in the emergency room until 8 o'clock that night when a bed upstairs was finally free.
My doctor had come in and confirmed the suspicion of the kidney infection. Started the antibiotics. He reassured me that they were perfectly safe for the baby. I was still getting sick and couldn't even handle the water.
The next day, Friday, my doctor came in and removed the IV. Thought that I would be able to go home the next day. After he had just finished saying that they want to do the drip antibiotics for at least 48 - 72 hours. It hadn't even been 24 yet! So the IV was removed. The pain was still intense. Still getting sick. Part of me thought that the nurses didn't believe me cause they never were around when I threw up.
God changed that the next morning. It had to of been Him. As usual I was feeling sick and this time I threw up the pills and the nurse was next door. She came in right away with a shot of gravol and wrote it in my chart. The doctor saw that and the fact that I wasn't eating and put me back on the IV and changed my anti-nausea medicine. Which I think made all the difference. That day, Saturday, was the worst day ever. Swaying back and forth not able to open my eyes and look at my visitors. I did have a visitor and Phil was there too. I was scared. The pain was incredible. The feeling of throwing up was in my mouth. I was crying. I was breathing weird. Shallow I guess. (so I was told). Wanting to beg Phil and my guest not to leave but not knowing how. So I just looked up and said, "don't leave yet". I was told that they weren't planning on it. They sat there and rubbed my back. Put a cloth on my forehead. Held the bucket when I almost lost it. I felt very small but very loved and safe. To me that was definitely a blessing from God. I could imagine God's touch through all the loving things that were being done to make sure I was comfortable. I did eventually sleep.
Sunday was a sad day too. I was missing church. I hated that. Phil brought my MP3 Player, as you may have read from the last post. I listened to God. I prayed to Him. I cried to Him. I pictured myself in His arms. I had faith that His hand of mercy would heal me. You know what, that night things started going a little better. Held down a little bit of chicken noodle soup. The next day was one that I would eat again.
There were moments of sheer frustration. I think it was Friday night when I was brought dinner of clear fluids. Which consists of Jell-o, juice and something they claim to be broth. I tend to disagree. There was two ladies across from me. They got fish for dinner and little desserts. I heard one complain that she doesn't like fish and the other complain that she doesn't like date squares. That was enough for me. I closed my curtain and cried. Here I am not even able to keep down Jell-o and they were complaining about their food. I would have given anything just to keep down something. I cried cause I was just so frustrated.
I had an attack due to the codeine in the T3's I was being given. Got super dizzy. Broke out in a cold sweat with a fever. That was Friday night. There went the dinner I worked so hard to keep down.
Anyway.... I did get to go home. Obviously. With some prescriptions. A time of torture to my body but also a time of rest for my soul. I am still taking this week off to get my strength back. That is what Phil wanted too. But it worries me. That is one whole paycheck I won't be getting. I am just trusting God though and I know that He will pull us through.
This may not of sounded like a big thing to some of you readers. I know people younger then me that are going through worse, that's a different entry. But in my crazy little world that was a big enough obstacle for me to go through. Now it is over. I am on the road to recovery and I can only hope that the next time I am in the hospital it will be to deliver my little one.
This whole experience has taught me to trust God more. To understand that it is ok and that He does know what He is doing. Maybe I needed to go through it to come back to Him. To being closer to Him.
I thank God that I am healing. I thank God for His healing touch and I know there is no way I couldn't have done it without all the prayers and the wishes that went my way. Without all those that took the time out of their busy lives to be with me day in and day out and sometimes even just for a little bit. It all meant a lot to me. I hope you all know who you are. Know that I love you. That I am thankful for all you have done. Thankful for all the prayers and the well wishes. I will never forget those people and these events that have happened in this past week for as long as I live. Thank you. Thank you God for opening my eyes.
I actually remember looking at Phil one day and telling Him, "we are loved." He smiled and said, "you bet we are".

A very real God moment

On Sunday Phil brought me my MP3 player. I had it filled with praise music. I kept waking up with praise songs in my head so he finally brought it for me.
One of the songs hit me and hit me hard. I am going to post the lyrics here. I was laying in my bed bored out of my mind. I had gone through ten other songs of praise when I came to this one. I was laying there looking out the window watching the clouds change their shape and form. Thinking about the hand God had placed upon them to do that. Phil came into the room while I was listening to this song. He saw tears coming down my cheek. Concerned he imediately asked me what was wrong. I told him nothing. Just remembering and picturing God's love. Just worshipping Him. So he left me to continue.
Can you guess at which part I cried? It was a reminder to me that yes He was there going through all this pain with me.
It is a very mellow and relaxing song.

MORE THEN A FRIEND
-Jeremy Riddle

In the quiet of my soul
In the stillness I hear Your voice call
And I am overwhelmed
And I am lost for words
To describe You

(Chorus)
Jesus, You're more than a friend
Jesus, You're more than my heart could
ever express
Your love and Your grace never fail me
Your merciful touch always heals me
You bring joy to my soul
Joy to my soul

My heart longs to worship You, my King
And I long to bring You a pleasing offering
And I am overwhelmed
And I am lost for words
To describe You

(repeat chorus 2x)

Your love and Your grace
Your merciful touch
Brings joy to my soul
Joy to my soul

A week I never want to go through again - Part 1

Some of you may already know what I am about to write about. Some of you may not. Some of you may want to read this and some just don't want to be bothered. That is ok though. I am not only doing this to let you know what happened in my life this past week but so that I also have a record of it for myself. Although I highly doubt that it is something I will ever forget.
The following may be too graphic for some - reader discretion advised.... (hehehe)

Let me place the scenes.
First thing Wednesday morning. Phil and I just woke up. I was feeling nauseous. Nothing new though. This time I barely made it to the bathroom. I threw up whatever was in my stomach and as you can imagine there isn't anything there first thing in the morning. Yet I still wretched. That put up a little red flag in my world. I know some of you may be thinking, well it's about time. Welcome to being pregnant. But this just didn't feel "right" so to speak.
I went back to bed. Woke up later and went to work for noon. Still felt sick and barely made it to the toilet there. There went breakfast. And there is just something wrong about throwing up into a public toilet. I kept wondering how clean it was. Whatever I went about my day. Tried to keep up at work. Around 1 o'clock or so my back and under my ribs on my right side started to ache. Thought it was from getting sick. I couldn't hold anything down. NOTHING!! Not even water.
Out of concern for the baby I phoned my OBGYN and asked her when I need to start being concerned. She phoned me back and said that if I continue the day without keeping anything, even water down then I need to head to the hospital. By 4 o'clock my back was in so much pain. I could barely move. Up under the ribs. I asked if I could go home. They asked if I think I could push through until my shift ended at 8. I said there was no way. So they told me to do my last delivery then I could go home.
Sounds simple enough right? A delivery that should take only 30 minutes. But in case you didn't know that was the day most of Abbotsford was shut down due to a tanker spilling 50, 000 liters of gas. So had to do the back roads. I knew these tricks by now. Well, I guess everyone else knew them to. What normally would have taken a half an hour took me TWO HOURS!! Two hours in tears holding a zip-loc bag to my face so it will catch everything. Crying out to God. Praying that I will get to the shop soon. Two hours of pure hell.
I am on the phone with Phil and he wants me to go straight to the hospital. After all we have a baby to worry about. I thought it ws nothing and I could just go home. I am glad he convinced me though.
Turned the corner onto Clearbrook. Just about back at the shop.... Once I got in the clear it was petal down. I know, bad delivery driver. I got to the shop in tears. Just streaming down my face. I asked for someone to help me unload the truck cause I needed to get to the hospital. The shippers face dropped and she said, go, we will do it. Can you drive. I told her that I had no choice but to drive.
So to the hospital I went. Started checking in while trying not to throw up. Asked me all the basics and then I threw in, "I am twelve weeks pregnant." Wow did that change everything! They just whisked me through. Barley able to move they kept their arm on me. Walked me to the next station then gave my little urine sample. Then walked me to a bed. Now checked into the hospital and lying down. Scared as anything. What about the baby? I am in tears remembering this. I was in safe hands now. My priority was the baby. What about the baby. Can barely move my head cause I am so dehydrated.
So the "fun" began. The search for a vein that wasn't shriveled up.
Well that is enough for now. It has taken a lot out of me believe it or not to sit here and write this. I did just get home yesterday. I will continue later. And it only gets more interesting, so to speak. Scarey for me.

The River

A powerful and beautiful creation of God.
A dried up river makes you feel an ache within your heart that makes you long for the water to cascade down it's banks to fulfill it's glory. If you follow the dry river bank as far as it goes you are sure to find water. No matter how dead and dried up it may look, somewhere along the never walked upon path of it's bed you will find water. Sometimes ever so faint. Sometimes just trickiling through the stones.
Then you watch the water go through so many different stages. It can go from being absolutely quiet and serene to raging. White caps that tumble over one another like it is a race to the bottom. Causing little whirl pools of activity and noise. The beautiful sound of the water rushing over the rocks.
Follow it a little more and you will watch the white caps turn into a serene pool. Where the water lazily gathers and forms a calmness that you can lose yourself in. Lingering at the pool for a bit dipping your toes into the water. The chill is immense but ever so calming. So you stand there soaking it all in. Letting the water dance around your ankles. Dance around your knees. Watching the sunlight bounce off the rocks under you. Making it's interesting and unique outlines within the water where not two are the same.
Stepping out of the pool and walking further down the rapids start again. Roaring over one another in the race to reach the next pool. Only to come to a sudden stop when it hits the dry banks again. But ever so persistent it keeps smashing over the rocks in a race to fulfill the bed. Ever so slowly. But with an unbelievable amount of force.
The river lately has given me a reminder of God. That river bed is my life. The journey that I experience in my day to day life. One moment I feel like the water, God, is barely there. Then the next I realize that the water is always persistent and always existing. He may take me through rough spots and waves that seem impossible to swim out of. That knock me flat on my butt and knock me around within it's power. The struggles that make me feel like I will never be able to surface above them. Just as I start to get too tired to continue and feel my head start to sink below the surface He drifts me into the next stage. Down out of the rapids into the calm.
Taking each step as a season. Taking each powerful crash against the rocks. Calming within the pool for a while. Only to know that in the future I may get those waves again in a different circumstance. I may feel totally dried up and dead but when I search deep enough, and sometimes just below the surface, I am alive. I am alive in Christ. The ever flowing, all existent water. When I am thirsty He will fill me. Always there for the next wave. The next calm. The next dry spell. Never alone.
Thankful that God is so ever flowing with His love and his grace. With His forgiveness. That He is always there for His children. Even when I feel like I am forgetting He is pushing through the dry bed and bringing the water of life back into my soul.

A rant... a little personal...

Lately I have been in a whirlwind of emotions. I have gone from happy to just wanting to punch something. I don't think it has entirely to do with the pregnancy either.

Have had some stuff on my mind lately. Not too sure exactly what it is yet, I still need to figure that out.
I was driving home last night and I was just going over my day.
I had gone for a walk at a river and accidentally dropped my cell phone into the water. I stood there looking down for a minute. Said a few choice words, well actually one over and over. Then I was like, why aren't I picking it up? I bent down and grabbed it. As I turned around to go to the shore I slipped and smashed my hand that was holding the phone. Hurt the pinky finger but the phone was ok.
I slumped myself down onto a rock and wanted to cry. Over a phone? How pathetic. I never did cry. I fought it all the way. Maybe things are building up and that was just enough for me to want to go ahead and open the floodgate. For some reason I couldn't let it go. I was so mad at myself. (I did come home and saw that Phil had totally dried it out and it seems to work fine. Thanks Phil.)

I've noticed that when I am mad at myself I run myself down. Call myself an idiot, a loser and so on. A bad habit of mine. I guess it becomes like a defense mechanism. If I do it then the other people don't get a chance to. I beat them to it. It hurts when I do it but it hurts more when others do it to me. This is something that I really need to stop. I don't need this child to do the same thing.
Even when I am in the company of people that I know won't call me names like that I still do it. On the way home I was talking to God. Thanking Him for people in my life that listen to me and support me because they love me. No strings attached. I feel bad sometimes for going on but it is ok cause they are willing to listen. Reminds me of God. Always there, not judging providing a ear for me to spill things out to. And it is ok. Loving me for who I am not for what I do. I was thanking God for being that way and for giving me wonderful people in my life that are the same. That are there for me and willing to go through the muck and the mud. The dirt and the grime. In tears I drove home just talking to Him. Praying to Him. Thanking Him.
I am so blessed and am so thankful.

Well, this got long and it is my rant for the day. Probably for a couple of days. I need to work things out. Things I am not even sure how to start working on. Feeling alone and frustrated but knowing that I have someone there all the time. If not for me then for my child. I need to be stronger. I need to be a good example. Thankful I have examples of what not to do and wonderful examples of what to do in my life.

Our Daily Bread

Be still, My child, and know that I am God!

Wait thou patiently—I know the path you trod.

So falter not, nor fear, nor think to run and hide,

For I, thy hope and strength, am waiting by thy side. —Hein

"Pop the hood, check the oil...."

About a month or so ago Phil had lost his wallet. I was frustrated. He is always misplacing it. Always. We always seemed to be looking for it. So in the begining we searched for it. High and low.
Just before our trip we had given up. Phil put his hands on my face and said, "Misty it is gone. Give it up." I wasn't convinced. We were praying for God to give Phil or myself some dream or idea of where it might be.
Got a phone call from Phil this morning. He told me that for the last two weeks he has had a thought come into his head. A simple phrase of, "pop the hood, check the oil." He said that he had already checked the oil in the truck so he didn't pay attention to it but was confussed as to why the thought was still going through his head. So this morning the thought came again while he was sitting in his truck. "Pop the hood, check the oil."
This time he listened. He popped the hood and when he lifted it there it was... His wallet sitting right there under the hood. I laughed. I said that maybe he should have listened to what God was saying sooner. He was just laughing.
He phoned his mom and told her the story. She said, "in the guiet God's voice will come as a whisper." Phil told her, "He was sick of whispering so He finally yelled it."
So this morning was a good laugh. I guess Phil might take these thoughts a little more seriously. He is going to make sure he keeps closer tabs on the wallet. I knew it wasn't fully gone, I knew it. He said that He is going to listen a little closer to what God is saying. Ahhh.... stress relief. Now I don't need to replace all those cards for him. What a funny man....
When we gave up humanly God kept going.

Father, You're amazing....

So this morning I wrote a blog. If you saw it earlier you may have noticed that I removed the post. I am having a weird morning. Part of me wanting to reach out to someone and just talk about it but another part of me telling me that I don't need to. That it is too hard to put into words. That I don't need to bother anyone.
So I removed the post. As I was going into the kitchen these words went through my head,
"I need to be still and let God love me."
It is a beautiful song and although I have posted it before I am going to do it again. Those words went through my head. So I came into the computer room to search for it. I opened my media player and found my playlist. The song that was highlighted and that started to play? "I need to be still".
I literally sat here with my mouth dropped open. I leaned into my chair and closed my eyes as the music played. My lower jaw started to quiver and I felt the tears coming down my cheeks. I didn't get it, why was I crying? I was crying cause I am so amazed. Amazed that a song that I haven't heard in a long time is highlighted and started to automatically play.
God definatley came to me. He reminded me of the song and as I sat with my head back and tears falling I thought of how cool it is that He knew exactly what I needed to be reminded of. He knew what I needed to do.
Father, You are amazing. Thank you. A God moment that I was in so much need of. I needed to be still.


I Need to be Still

I need to be still and let God love me
I need to be still and let God love me
When this old world starts to push and shove me
I need to be still and let God love me

I need to relax and let God take over
I need to relax and let God take over
He'll take this load off my shoulders
I need to relax and let God take over

When there's trouble all around me
And my soul cries out for rest
When I feel that I'm falling
Even though I've done my best
When decisions get so heavy
And there are answers that I need
I know it's time to just be still and let
God love me

I need to be still and let God love me
I need to be still and let God love me
When this old world starts to push and shove me
I need to be still and let God love me

I need to be still and let God love me
I need to be still and let God love me
When this old world starts to push and shove me
I need to be still and let God love me

Written by: Archie P. Jordan and Naomi Martin

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SUE!!!!


Better known to the blogger world as Sushi.

a copied post.....

Michelle did a wonderful and simple post. It was a reminder to me to not focus on what pain I feel or how stressed I feel. So I think I am going to write out a few things I am thankful for.

-My husband. He is so supportive and does so much for us. Don't know what I'd do without him.
- God's gift of the child growing in me.
- a wonderful vacation and a safe trip home.
- people who love me. Especially my friends and family.

Thanks Michelle for the post. Something I will work on remembering everyday.

we're home......

and I want to go back! I bet everyone would agree with me!!
It was a beautiful weekend. Had a lot of fun. Except my stupid neck won't stop hurting. I would love to see that day come around.
You know you are home when....
You get tail gated on the way out to bible study (none of that there)
You get bombarded with a ton of things - already!!
You feel stress out.

But boy oh boy was it nice to crawl into MY OWN comfy bed. My cat was just yelling at us for attention. Just like a kid.
Great to be home.

And we're off

soon to be leaving. Got up at 5 this morning and kept wondering why. Now having the chance to sit here and relax I understand. I get very flustered. I am glad it is all done and I can take a breather. Been awake since 4. Think I'll sleep on the ferry?
Have a great weekend. Pray for nice weather for us.
Looking forward to some God moments. Anticipate a few. Ecpecially the scenery on the way over. Haven't been that way in a long time.
So, Until Tuesday (unless we steal a computer there!!)

Little bits of useless information

Why am I up?? I am wanting to crawl into bed and stay there. But see I am going away for four days so the anal person that I am needs to clean. Someone else is coming into my home to feed the cat so got to make sure the place is clean.
Sue, Dennis Phil and I are going away to Victoria for four days. I haven't been there since '92. Grade seven field trip. Leaving first thing tomorrow morning. Like a little kid I am having issues with being too excited. I bet I won't get any sleep tonight. We get to go on the ferry!! We might even go and see a butterfly museum thing. The last vacation Phil and I took away like this was for our wedding four years ago. You know, the kind where you actually take time off work. I AM SO EXCITED. Simple thing I tell ya.....
Don't really want to clean though. Have to check my lists off. Make sure everything is packed. So much to do.

Oh and I have to through something in here about baby. Man are my stomach muscles being stretvhed and conformed. I can't stretch, or even sneeze, without feeling I am about to pull those muscles. I sneezed like 8 times early this morning and twice more now. Man!! Sneezing sucks!!

Into the double digits!!!

So I am 10 weeks. Into the double digits. 10 more weeks until an ultrasound to see our little angel and about 30 more to go. I still am excited!!!
I will post pictures when I can. I got a really cure maternity outfit. The first. First of many to come.

The Dark Places we fight

We all have been there. In those dark places where we scream and yell to get out but feel like we just can't. Battling the darkness and believing the lies.
This is captured in an awesome imagery that gave me shivers. This gentleman has an awesome gift of writing and showing us the pictures that we are too afraid to draw out for ourselves. To unwilling to admit.
Within the darkness will come voices that are loud and cause us to listen to the lies. But somewhere in there a "Voice echoes out a battle cry that our hearts are good, and true...."
I hope I didn't copy too much of it but check out the entry. Like I said it gave me shivers and I understood and imagined the place that he was talked about. I understood the good voice too.
Check it out. I linked it above.

"First Time Mom"

That is the name of the book by Dr. Kevin Leman wrote. Michelle loaned it to me. So far it has some interesting points and in some spots it hits the nail right on the head.
One part I read was:

"It's selfish to rob others of the gift of serving you. Sure, it might be a bit humiliating to ask for help., especially if you are used to doing things yourself. But some parents, friends, and in-laws will be touched beyond words that you're reaching out to them and are willing to admit that you need their help." P. 40

Now that hit me. I am not good at asking for help for myself. I would rather struggle. I don't admit that I need help even though I know I do. I have started to admit to some but struggle with it. I never thought of it as blessing someone. The author was talking about letting people help you when they ask. Hmmmm........ yet another thing to work at. I think I can, I think I can..........

The Son

As you can tell from my previous entry I was worried about whether or not I was hurting God or pushing Him away. I was worried that I would push Him so far that He wouldn't come back.
I now know that it is an insecurity of mine. I guess it always will be. In my moments when I feel like I just can't measure up and that I can't feel Him I doubt. I worry. I get scared.
I was told that I can never push Him away and that no matter what He will always be there. So I have leaned on that. I have believed that. I force myself to believe that I am ok and that I will be fine. That no matter what my insecurities are telling me, He is still there. That I am still strong in my faith and that I will still continue to grow.

On the way to work this morning I saw something that reminded me that the Son is always there. That God is always with us.
It was cloudy when I left not a hint of sky anywhere. As I pulled to the end of my street I saw it. A little patch of blue sky, ever so small, that let the sun peak through just enough to know that it was still there. Kinda like when God shows His face in those dark moments.
Made me think. That no matter what the day is the sun is always there. You can sore above the clouds and there it is. It can be super dark out but on the other side of the world it is their day. The sun will always come out. The Son will always be there. In our darkest moments as we rise above them there He is. Never faltering waiting for us to come above it. To help us to rise above it. No matter what He is there. The sun is there.
I needed the reminder and I thanked God for it. It is something I won't forget. In my darkest moments He is still there. Rising me up on the wings of eagles to come into His light. Into His grace. Into His beauty. To come to Him.
Thank you Lord that you are the ever shining light and that you are always there. No matter how dark and bleak the outlook may seem.

"I am not giving you all this"

A moment in my life when I felt to overwhelmed I heard those little words.
I was putting so much on my plate and bombarding myself with so much responsibility. I have to do this, I have to do that. I need to do it all now. While talking through it and saying that I don't know why God wants me to deal with it all right now at this particular moment. I heard it. Like a whisper that just got louder and louder. Until there was no mistaking what was said. Was it my thoughts? I don't believe so, cause I was already telling myself that I had to fix it all. I had to deal with it all at that moment. Then He told me not to. That it wasn't what He wanted me to deal with.
Being afraid that I am pushing God away lately. Yet I am told that He can't be pushed away. That He stands firm. Scared that I was ignoring Him. Told that I am not. That I am growing.
I struggle to keep him in the forefront of my mind some days. At work the only thing that keeps me going is knowing that I can sing to Him and worship Him all I want. My whole shift. Struggling to be the light that He wants me to be. Being told that I am. I can't see it. Why???
He is not giving this all to me. I am. I am putting the burden on my soul. I am putting myself through the stress. He is there waiting for me to take the deep breath to calm myself and turn fully back to Him. I am so glad that He holds me. That He can't be pushed away and that although I feel like I am doing just that I will be ok. I just need to look to Him. Sometimes He comes through the voice of someone else. But in those moments I hear it. I understand it.
He's not giving me all this. Neither should I.

Doctors and more doctors

So I talked to my doctor today about referring me to another doctor. A female doctor that I was referred to by a friend. I asked if he would be fine if I tried to go to the female doctor rather then him. He was perfectly fine with it.So, a month from now I meet a new doctor. A doctor that I have heard is so awesome. I heard that she even prays over the baby when it is born. How cool is that.I told my doctor that I really don't want a stranger delivering my baby so what happens if this new doctor can't make it. He told me that I can request that if she can't make it then he can be called. And he will come. He understands why I want to go with a female and takes no offense. So cool.So late this month I meet the new doctor and we go from there.Just thought I would give a bit of an update. So many choices tomake. I only pray that I make the right ones.

Daily Christian Wisdom

"The will of God for your life is simply that you submit yourself to Him each day and say, 'Father, Your will for today is mine. Your pleasure for today is mine. Your work for today is mine. I trust You to be God. You lead me today and I will follow.' "

-Kay Arthur

Got this from beliefnet

sorry guys....

had to use word verification. Got 7 spammers hit me at once!! I have had enough. There is a post before this one though.

"THE" Debate

Mid Wife vs. family doctor.

Ok. This may not exactly be the great debate but in my little world at this particular moment it is. Do I go with my family doctor or a mid wife??
My family doctor knows my past history and all the medications I have had to take. But on the other hand he is a male.
I have heard mid wife appointments are like an hour long. They are women. They would understand more of what I am going through and it may be easier to talk to them. But they can't perform emergency c-sections or use the vaccuum.
I asked Phil what he thought and of course, being a male (no offense guys), he doesn't know but he did suggest that I can do a blog and "poll" people's opinions.
Then if I go with a mid wife would my doctor still see me and the baby after birth? Or would I have to find a new one? Is there such thing as a Christian mid wife while I am at it?? That would be cool. My doctor isn't Christian as far as I know. He is a indo-canadian with a very strong english accient and a good guy. But maybe a woman would be better?
Hmmm... sounds like I am already leaning one particular way. What do you guys think???? The polls are open.


Hey!! Thanks Susie!! I saw the poll on your blog and found out how to use it. This should help!! Thanks!! ( I am not sure why the top is so long but it is, you get the idea though)

My Ballot Box Mid Wife or Doctor??? Mid Wife Doctor View Results

Have you ever....

laughed so hard that you pulled a muscle in your ..... face?? My cheek hurts!!

More tests.....

ok, so the famous Classic movie I am is Mr. Smith Goes to Washington (ok Michelle I think we need to see it!!)
I decided to do the What Famous Leader are you.
This is what it came up with:

What Famous Leader Are You?
personality tests by similarminds.com

I can't decide wether this is good or bad........

Why oh why....

do they insist on torturing me?

So, some times during the day you can really see the belly. It is there. At only 8 weeks? I still think that I am crazy. So why does Phil, my mom and Michelle (yes you've done it Chel) keep bugging me saying that it is twins.
They don't run in the family so it isn't possible. I think it is a boy and it is just big. But nooooo........ daddy keeps saying it's twins.
I am freaked out enough worrying about weather or not I can be a good mom to one. Not two at once!!!
I know it isn't genetically possible. So why does it keep swimming in my brain? Oh the joys of being paranoid and a mom to be at that!!!

To Michelle and Rod:

HAPPY 4th WEDDING ANNIVERSARY!!!


love you guys.

A compliment

Today I was talking to one of the girls at work. She ended up telling me that she was a Christian and that she doesn't go to church anymore. I asked her why and she told me, in not so few words, that she just ended up drifting away. Not to mention that her boyfriend and none of her friends are Christians.
After talking a little more I told her that I didn't think that she was a Christian. I said I think that most people here know that I am. She said that it was obvious. I don't swear like everyone else or get into the rude jokes or talk about my weekends consisting of being drunk. She thought it was fairly obvious.
Now, to me that was a compliment. To know that I am doing something right around there and standing my ground and remaining true to who I am in Christ and that it shows. Does that mean that I am being Christ like? I hope so but does it ever feel good to know that it shows.

On another note:
You know how you are always told to be honest and Christ like? Well the other day I was. I accidentally hit a parked van. No one was in it and I could have easily drove off. But I didn't. I left my name and number explaining what I did. No phone call or anything so I hoped it was over. Not so. Got a letter in the mail today about someone phoning and making a claim. Darn!! I just need to keep the faith that God will deal with it and that it will work out. Last thing I need is to pay big bucks with the baby on the way and all. Oh well, should have paid more attention.
I did the "right" thing. Sure I wanted to drive away but I didn't. Well, at least I know that I did what Jesus would have done. At least that is what I think. (I may be wrong, have been before on my thinking!!)
Oh well........

So amazing

So, now I am 8 weeks. Some day I will be able to stop talking about me and the pregnancy so much. But it is so amazing.
My little one is growing!! This week the inner and outer ears form. So that means that soon the baby will actually be able to hear the stories that I read to it and learn my voice. How fun is that!! My doctor told me that I can't really be showing yet cause I am so new. And it is the first baby. I just said, Oh ok. But you ask anyone that sees me and you can totally see a little belly coming. I love it. One day it will just pop out too.
God sure is amazing. How he can create this little miracle puts me beside myself. The awesome thing to know is that even though Daddy and I are looking at names God already knows the name the little one will have. He already knows the name before it even takes it's first breath. So COOL!! I am in awe.

I swear it is starting!!!

I know, I am only seven and a half weeks but I swear it is starting! Had to put away a pair of jeans last night. Too tight now. It just seems so sur-real. Can it really be happening this soon? The ones I am wearing now have some stretch in them so we will see how these ones do.
Could it really be????

Reflecting

It is now August and today I found myself reflecting on some moments that had happened this year. I got a weekly verse this morning. It read, "The Lord Himself goes before you and will be with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you." Dt. 31:8
I remembered reading this somewhere before and looking back in my book of verses and promises I saw it. Right there, read for the first time in February. During a moment in my life that I felt I was so alone and that no one cared. It made sense. It started to sink in. Today it seems to ring even more truth in it.
So I reflected on what has happened so far this year. The anger that I felt. The disappointment and the loneliness. Afraid of bearing my soul. Losing who I am and losing the ability to reach to God. Then finding it and feeling like I could fly. Dealing with hurts that I have had since a child that I thought I had succeeded at locking so deep within my heart that it would never come up again. Only to have God to open those doors again. To push, sometimes ever so gently, on the ones that I tried to nail shut over the years. Thinking that it was all done and over with. Only to have Him tell me to trust Him and we started working on it together and are still working. Some days are better then others.
The moments and the tears that have brought me to this point in my life. The embraces, the love and the prayers that helped me to believe that I was loved. Of course at that particular moment in time I didn't feel it but it happened. I have an awesome husband that stood by me every step. Had friends and gained friends that helped along the way as well.
Reflecting back on these last few months has made me feel both sad and happy. Sad that it took a turn of events like I went through for me to believe and for my eyes to be opened. I look at my life today. A baby on the way. A husband that bends over backwards for me and friends that hold me close just to cry. Sitting here just thinking of these moments makes me tear up. Makes my heart beat a little harder. I have had many ups and downs like most people and sometimes it consisted of more downs then ups. During the up moments I felt so free. Learned to hate the down moments and do something about them. Finding God and wanting to stand on the top of the tallest mountain and just yell it out to the world.
So reflecting on this time it goes to show me that God really does have plans for me and has put me on this earth for a reason. A reason I may never know but His reasoning all the same.
I am sure that for the rest of my life I will remember all the journeys that I have been on but this particular one at this point in time seems to just bring me to my knees in utter amazement over God. That He never gave up on me when I gave up on myself. That He sent people into my life to hold me and to love me when I thought that I didn't need it. But He knew. The battles continue, they always will but just remembering the path that I have been on gives me hope and faith that I can get through anything. Any of us can.
Thank God.

This should be interesting

Daddy is reading the baby names book. Took it from me.
I have total faith in him but still found it interesting.

Feeling like I failed

So today I missed work. Too sick and nauseous. My heart was telling me to go to the doctors because it has been getting progressively worse rather then better. Yet I still fought with myself as to wether or not it was my head (whiplash) or my baby that caused the gut wrenching inability to eat.
So I went to the doctor. After my husband and friends convinced me in not so few words to go. So there I stood with the perscription in my trembling hands worried. What if it harms the baby? It has been around for 15 years and proven safe. Many women use it during their pregnancy. After the worry came the doubt. I thought that I had failed. By taking the perscription I not only have failed myself but my husband and the baby too. Mommy can't do it without help from another source.
God told me through some dear friends and an awesome husband that I had not failed. That it is ok to need the pills and there is nothing wrong with it. He is trying to reach through to my head right now to let me believe that it is ok but my stubborness is too strong. I need to let that stubborn nature go as I try to let my heart believe God's words.
I believe but help me with my un-belief.
So here I sit with the pills and a glass of water in front of me. Hesitating to take them knowing full well that they may help. Hearing God and the ones I love tell me that it is ok. So much easier to listen to the little, not so quiet voice, that is telling me "you take those then you have failed".

I am not writing to get sympathy, far from it. I am writing to tell of my pathetic little struggle that I am dealing with as of now.
As they sit in front of me my stomach lurches and I worry about the little one. Perfectly safe for the baby but what about the way that I feel taking them? It's not like I am the only woman to be pregnant and to get "morning sickness" (that lasts all bloody day!!!). So why worry. Other women take it.
I guess just worrying about doing something wrong so that my child doesn't grow strong and healthy will always be on the forefront of my mind. My throat tightens as I stare down at them. Chocking down the pills with tears in my eyes I hope and pray that I am doing what is right for me and the baby. Too late now. It is done. Why don't I feel right about it?

Twinkle, Twinkle little star......

So last night I was lulled to sleep by a child. One of the neighbor's kids was singing
"Twinkle, Twinkle, Little star.....
How I wonder what you are
Up above the world so high
Like a diamond in the sky.
Twinkle, twinkle little star.....
How I wonder what you arrrreeeeeeeee......."

It was so cute. I could picture the little face pressed up against the window screen peering out at the stars.
It is moments like that I need to remember when I am feeling like I am today. Like crap. Can barely move and feel REALLY sick. Staying home today. I know, I am a wimp but it will be all good and I know that it is totally worth it.
Makes me think about my little star growing in me.

Is it possible??

To connect my recent fits of sneezing with the baby?
My body is getting rid of the bad stuff and only giving the good to the baby? Just curious. I have been sneezing A LOT lately. Especially in the mornings.
Must be something to do with me and not the baby. Still makes me wonder though.

God's Special Gift

So yeah..... Like some of you have figured out we are expecting our first baby.
I am almost seven weeks now and am very excited. Scared too.
I am SO tired all the time and lately I have felt a bit sick. But on the weekend my neck was cracked real bad and I haven't quite figured out if the headaches and the sickness is from that. It could be.
It is funny how my thought pattern (what is left of it) is changing. I now have to think about the baby that is growing inside of me.
We had decided to finally try for a family and I guess God agreed with our thoughts. Now I pray for a healthy baby. Worried about that too. It is so special. I love it already and some days I don't even "feel" pregnant. It is developing into a little person more and more each day. How precious a gift. I feel so special to be on the receiving end (I guess you'd call it that) of God's wonderful creation.
So.... Another journey begins and I get to document this one. How fun!!!

Church in the Park

Once again God blessed us with a beautiful day of worship in the park. I love being at the park. To me there is no greater reminder of His beauty and wonder then sitting or standing in the park singing and worshiping Him. So cool.

A friend of mine and I were talking about stuff. When he grew a little bit of a worried look on his face. I asked him what was wrong and he told me that the music was too loud and that he bets we won't even be aloud back next year. Sad thought, I know, but the truth.

They can have weddings in the park and parties but when it comes to Sunday morning worshiping with songs and praise to God, people get scared and they complain. Yapping little dogs barking their heads off but yet the music will be too loud and thus would be the complaint.
It is sad really if you think about it. Are people so intimidated by someone greater then them that they fight to push Him away. Are they afraid to admit that someone else is in control of their lives then them? Heck, it's not even BC or AD anymore. It is BCE and ACE. Have to be politically correct you know. But what about our rights as Christians?
It is true. People hate us and fear us. It is true when Jesus says: "all men will hate you because of me....." Mt 10:22. I never fully understood that until the last few months. People fear Jesus and hate Him because they don't understand His glory. They hate because that is the feeling that makes sense to them. (this is all my own opinions and what I see). But this verse goes on... "but he who stands firm to the end will be saved."
How cool is that?
Then there is another verse that says, "there is nothing concealed that will not be disclosed or hidden that will not be made known." Mt 10:26. So to me that shows that one day not matter how hard people try to hide it, the truth will come. He will come.

Yeah it makes sense that people are going to complain about the music. It scares them. But we are ready for that and we still stand firm in Christ. As a Christian I enjoy knowing that Jesus is my Saviour and that He is always there for me. I just find it interesting how so many people push Him away. Really makes me want to help some people. Really makes me want to spread his love more fiercely then ever before. So I guess in a way it doesn't work to try to hide it. We will fight harder.
You know with work I feel like I am not well liked. I feel like there are people who just are bothered by me. You know what, that is ok. Cause people will hate me. Because I love Christ. But I will never stop loving or believing. NEVER.

Like I said, I love church in the park. Nothing makes me feel so close to God then being out there. Surrounded totally by His beauty. I just wish that everyone could see what I see.

Always worrying.....

I don't know about any one else but I am my worst critic. I will be the first to run myself down and judge myself so that when someone else does it it won't hurt as bad. I have already done the damage so what will be said can't hurt as bad. What a way to go about things hey?
At work I mess up. Quite a bit. I hate it and I am the toughest on myself. I worry about what they are going to say when I get back to the shop. The looks that they are going to give me. The whispers I will hear. I work myself up thinking about it and trying to prepare for the worst. I always worry about how I look to others and how I act. Would so and so approve? I worry about what work might say and then they don't even say anything or they say something that is completely different. I worry about getting fired for messing up. Worry, worry, worry. Always worried about what others may think. Worried about what their opinions are going to be.
I judge myself to the point where I run myself down and that isn't good. When you are so used to being ran down since you were little it comes so easily. It is darn hard to work that message the other way.
I will admit that I am so no where near perfect. I have caught myself judging others. Now I actually stop and tell myself that it is not my place to do so. That I have no right.

At my work everyone swears even the bosses. It drives me nuts. That is a habit I stopped years ago and it was hard. Now I find that I slip at home. Not good. I was talking to another girl and she agrees that she doesn't like the swearing but yet she gets right in there and does so. I wonder why.
I notice that what others may think of me worries me. One of the guys swore flat out and I was like "whoa" kinda joking around but in my heart knowing that I was bothered by it and taking a timid step forward. The girl that trained me leaned over to him and told him that I don't like swearing. Then I instantly thought, oh boy what is he going to think of me now?
I am tired of worrying. The only opinion that I need to stop and listen to is Jesus'. That is the only one that matters and that is the one that I should be living by. I should be living Christ like but I cower. I get intimidated and intimidation is a nasty little thing. I need to just worry about what God wants of me and how to be more Christ like and not worry about how someone else is going to react. When they don't.

I was listening to praise yesterday and something struck me hard. Still thinking about it. For some reason I think it pertains here to me. Not sure if anyone else would get this or not and I don't know if it is the right context for sure. It is in Mark. 9:24. "Immediately the boy's father exclaimed, ' I do believe; help me overcome my disbelief.' "
I do believe that the only opinion that matters and the only one that can judge is God. Yet worrying about it shows that there is an unbelief there.

"Lord help me to believe that only your opinion and your will for me is what is important. Help me to overcome my disbelief and stop worrying about what someone will say or do cause in the long run the only thing that matters is you."

Some things just drive me NUTS!!

Ok. Here I go. Somewhere in the back of the apartment building behind us there is a annoying dog. Yaps his or her head off. Kinda sounds like a squeaky swing or something. Just sits there whining (kinda like what I am doing).
How don't the owners hear that and tell it to SHUT UP!! Yeah I am being mean. Sorry. I like dogs, really I do. But when you hear this day in and day out it is annoying. Going to bed it does it. Waking up, or at least trying to, it does it. SOmetimes it is still going throughout the night and it still wakes me.
I know, I know you are probably thinking shut the window. Tried but the thing has such a high pitch sound that it pierces right through. AHHHHH!!!!!

The hold of fear.

Why is it that fear can hold you so tight. Can play in your head until you let it control your thoughts to the point where you can barely sleep. Restless nights caused by fear.
Some of you may remember my "exciting" trip to the hospital this past March. It was diagnosed as "cluster migraines" and it went away eventually. But the fear was there.
Aneurysms run in my family. Lost many relatives to it. So I tend to get a little creeped out when I get a localized headache. The doctor that I saw in the emergency room realized my fear and thought it genuine. He had the same thoughts. So the testing began and we all know how fun that is. Hooked to machines. Punched full of holes. Something I really don't want to go through again.
Phil doesn't take it lightly when I tell him about it sometimes. It is something he takes seriously. When it happened last I went to bed with a headache and woke up barely able to move. So last night when I had this really bad headache I was scared. I shared my fear with Phil and he told me that it was nothing and that I will be ok. At first I jumped down the poor guys throat. I told him that it was a very real fear for me and that I needed him to know. He apologized and told me that he knows it is, he just didn't want the fear to take over me. He was right.
I let it take over. Hard to sleep. Tossed and turned scared that I may not wake up.
My dads was on his left side behind his temple. This morning I feel fine. Just a dull ache above my left eye. Feels muscular though. So the thought went through my head but instead I am going to reach to God.
Reflecting on last night's events this morning I realize that Phil was trying to help me. In the long run he did. It makes me think though too that God was coming through Phil and telling me that I would be fine and that it is only a headache. Not to worry. But for the life of me last night I did not see that. I saw the fear. The utter fear.
The fear took over and I let it. The hold was so tight on my heart (and head) that I wouldn't let it go. Time to stop fearing every time I get a headache or I will just drive myself nuts!!
Terrible how much fear can just grab hold of you and hold so tight until it is all you think of.

How true is this....

The will of God is never exactly what you expect it to be. It may seem to be much worse, but in the end it's going to be a lot better and a lot bigger.

-Elisabeth Elliot

Our trip on the Ocean

Today we went out in the boat up the ocean to Indian Arm. It was beautiful. Saw seals, otters, bald Eagles and our Canadian Military ship. Went under the Second Narrows and Lions Gate bridges. I have a few photos up under "My Fotos". Check them out.
It was a beautiful day.

I can only imagine

Everytime I hear this song tears come to my eyes. Everytime. Never fails. I love this song.

I Can Only Imagine - Mercy Me

I can only imagine what it will be like
When I walk by your side
I can only imagine what my eyes will see
When your face is before me
I can only imagine
I can only imagine

Surrounded by your glory
What will my heart feel?
Will I dance for you Jesus?
Or in awe of you be still?
Will I stand in your presence?
Or to my knees will I fall?
Will I sing Halelluja?
Will I be able to speak at all?
I can only imagine
I can only imagine

I can only imagine when that day comes
And I find myself standing in the Son
I can only imagine when all I will do
Is forever, forever worship you
I can only imagine
I can only imagine

Surrounded by your glory
What will my heart feel?
Will I dance for you Jesus?
Or in awe of you be still?
Will I stand in your presence?
Or to my knees will I fall?
Will I sing Halelluja?
Will I be able to speak at all?
I can only imagine, yeah
I can only imagine
I can only imagine, yeah, yeah, yeah

Surrounded by your glory
What will my heart feel?
Will I dance for you Jesus?
Or in awe of you be still?
Will I stand in your presence?
Or to my knees will I fall?
Will I sing Halelluja?
Will I be able to speak at all?
I can only imagine, yeah

I can only imagine, yeah, yeah
I can only imagine, Yeah
I can only imagine
I can only imagine, Ohh yeah
I can only imagine

I can only imagine when all I will do
is forever, forever worship you
I can only imagine

Small prayer request

A girl at work was in an accident today. It looks like the truck she was driving was a right off. I don't know exactly how she is but there was no blood and she didn't lose consciousness. She was alert at the scene too.
I drove past there later and I am sure that God was watching over her. The telephone pole she hit is what saved her from going fully over the twenty foot drop. I am sure of it.
I am not sure as to whether or not she is a Christian or believes in God but that is not what it is about. I still would like to ask for prayer for her.
Her name is Candace can I please get some support in praying for her.
Thanks.

Something I sure could use to remember

We have to pray with our eyes on God, not on the difficulties.

-Oswald Chambers

I have learned...

In the past few months I have been on an amazing journey. With many ups and downs. Many lows, sometimes more than anything else, but also many highs. I have been on the top of a mountain and I have been in the depths of despair. I have learned some things though. I feel like I get told these over and over again sometimes and sometimes it slips my mind. But in the depth of my soul I know that it is true.

1. Jesus Loves you
2. Your sins have been forgiven
3. God is 100% pleased with you
4. Jesus will not leave you alone
5. You are strong in the lord, when you are weak He is strong
6. Satan and evil really thrive to push us under. But with God on our side we can fight and be victorious.
7. You are never alone
8. You are loved.

Months ago when I was told these I would scof at them. Think yeah whatever. But today at this very moment they make me smile.
There is more but these are the ones that are jumping to the forefront of my mind right now. I find that it is so easy to forget or push aside these truths. The closer we become one with God the harder Satan fights. He is losing the battle for another soul and it is almost like you can watch him squirm.
Sure, I know there will be days that I will feel like none of this is true. There are days when I will feel like I am all alone. Then I just need to work on praying and turning to God.
There is nothing wrong with bad days. There is nothing wrong with failing in your own eyes. Cause even though you may fail in your own eyes in God's you may have succeded the way He wanted you to.
Reaching for Him in your moments of despair can be hard and that is why He puts others into our lives to do it for us. When we can't speak someone can for us. Humans let one another down. It is inevitable. The only one who won't let us down is Jesus. Is our Savior.
How cool is that?

Hmmm.....

I went from blogging at least once a day, sometimes more, to barely anything. Sometimes I start to wonder why. What can I talk to people about? My life really isn't all that interesting.
When I am going through tough times I can sit here and write forever. Yet during the good times I just want to let it all sink in.
Honestly, I have been struggling lately. Just some spiritual battles that seem to be showing their face in my life. It is alright though. I have been learning to cope. I have been learning how to handle myself better.
My job makes me angry; the way there is so much swearing and talking behind others backs. I am not stupid, I know they are talking about me. I guess we never really grow up do we? Well, some of us at least.

So on Sunday was Payton's birthday party. It was fun. I got there and saw the kids playing in the pool. So, what did I do? Put on my bathing suit and got right in there with them. It was so fun. Some of the babies liked the water and some of them didn't.
The older boys played with a box. Payton got a pretty cool wagon from her grandparents and the box that it came in became somewhat of a game. I don't know who came up with the idea but all of a sudden the older boys were inside the box rolling down the hill. When they were done with that they put it at the bottom of the slide and all took turns sliding into it. Ah... Boys will be boys.
It was a really fun party.

So, I am just babbling here so I think it is time for me to go. Wish I had something more insightful or interesting to write about but right now I feel content with my life and what is happening. Yes I stress out and I worry about stupid things still but that is who I am. Working on reaching to God and just giving it over to Him. Sometimes I feel it work and others not so much. It will come. It will come.

Stranger Danger

As children that is one of the first lessons we are taught. Don't talk to any strangers and be very cautious of them. Some of them are dangerous. So we listen to what we are taught. Then it even leads over into our adult life. I thank God that Jesus was willing to talk to some of these strangers that we instinctively turn our backs on.

Today on my way back home from Mission to Abbotsford we were on the Horne street on ramp that takes you up to the bridge. The traffic was backed up and my friend and I were wondering why. As we approached we saw an older man wandering in the middle of the street. Out in the hot sun. No shoes. A limp. Long sleeved shirt and pants. Sweating.

My societal instinct told me to keep going but an overwhelming urge of feeling for this man over took me. Just behind him was someone following to make sure he didn't get hit by any cars. She had her blinkers on. So, I called 911 and followed as well. I felt compelled to pray. So I asked my passenger if it was alright. I was told of course it was. We prayed. We felt for him. We said amen. Followed him a little more and then he stopped. Looked ahead and turned and sat down. Now that was God!! If he would have kept going he would have definitely been onto the bridge. God stopped him and turned him around.

Nothing about the man looked threatening. I asked if I should go over to him and was told that it is up to me. I felt that I needed to. I reached into the back seat of my car and grabbed the bottle of unopened water that I was saving for work. It was slightly warm, but I was going to offer it anyway. What Would Jesus Do right?

So as I pulled over my car and got out I hesitantly looked at him. Stranger danger I thought. But then I thought, it is ok. God wants me to do this. So slowly I walked over to him and asked him if he would like some water. He did. I gave him the bottle and he kept thanking me. I sat next to him and talked. Got him up and over the barrier into the little amount of shade that was cast by the lamp post. I sat with him while we waited for the ambulance. The other lady that pulled over waited too.

I asked his name and asked him if I could pray for him. He told me his name and told me I could pray for him. I asked for help to pray from someone with a wonderful gift of the ability to pray fiercely. Now I am asking you. I am not going to give his name. Just asking that we pray for the man that seemed so lost. That seemed so lonely.

I am not telling this to look for a pat on the back. Far from it. I am telling this because I feel like I need to. Debating on posting it is running through my head.

I really got to thinking that Jesus took the chance on all those other strangers and it made all the difference. I took a chance to be nice to a stranger and show God's love just by being there. He may never remember it but it will be something that I will never forget.

Thank you God for opening the eyes of my heart. Thank You for helping that man today and for stopping him. Thank You Lord for Your ever faithful presence. I lift him to You and ask You to heal whatever may be troubling him. In Your name. Amen.

Daily Inspiration

The greater part of our happiness depends on our dispositions and not on our circumstances.

-Martha Washington

Not in my timing but His

I always thought that by the time I was 20 I would own my own car. Nope. 26 and just got my first car. Thought by 25 I would have my own home. Nope still renting and paying someone else's mortgage. That is just the way things have turned out. I have some regrets but am happy.
I regret that I never finished college. Actually did one semester at full time failed two out of the four classes and never went back. Now I wish I had some sort of career. Lordco is not a career at all.
It has just been the last week or so that I realized that this is all God's timing. It is what He may want now. Phil and I both have reliable vehicles right now. That has to be God. It worked out too perfectly. I almost feel lost to my own life.
I feel like God is lining things up. Setting them all up one by one. He is the one putting my life on track and helping me to feel more secure. I was afraid of my old car dying. Got a new one and I never even thought to look at that type of car. It is almost like it was just for me.
Lately I have been wanting to run away from some things. But I can't. It isn't possible. I am where I am and going through what I am going through for a reason. He tells me that He is not finished with me in that area. God knows the outcome and why I am where I am. I just need to trust Him and know that it will all work itself out in His timing. Not mine.
I want the pain and the hurt to just be done. I try to ignore it. But it is like God is telling me that I am not working through it like that. I get some rest from things and then it is right back at it. It's like He is telling me, now that you are done pushing it away let me heal you. Let us work through this together. Little by little.
I think that I am done and He tells me that I am not. That there are more steps to follow. So right now I sit here thinking ok bring it on, let's do this and get it done and over with. He tells me that it is not time to push through it right now. "The healing takes time. It has started and it will continue all in My timing."
I really feel like God is setting my life up the way He wants it. It scares me but makes me smile just thinking about it. It overwhelms me sometimes. He really knows what He is doing and it is time that I trust Him. It is moments like this when I take the time to look back I smile. Yeah He knows what is going on. He knows what He has for our future. So it is time to take it day by day. Little by little. Time to work by His clock not mine.

Anyone got cheese for my Whine?

So yeah here I am about to whine, yet again. I do that alot. Ooops.
Today I have to go to the specialist again. I am such a baby. I am very nervous. I don't want the needle but do I take it so it may help in the long run? Last time the doctor missed and said "oh, let's try that again. Looks like I missed." Yeah easy for him to say, he's not the one getting the darn thing in the arm. It isn't a small needle either. At least it doesn't feel very small!!! Last time I cried like a big darn baby when I left the office. Couldn't even drive. Had to calm down first. It is tough driving with one arm. I could barely move my shoulder. Crappy.
I asked Phil to accompany me so that someone was there to hold my hand. Can I BE any more pathetic hey?? But he can't. Kind of a stupid request anyway. He would have to miss work and what sense does that make. Oh well, I guess all I can do is pray. Then cry afterwards and hope that no one sees me I am just nervous and this is my nervous ranting here. What if this time it hurts more? Darn it!! I need to be strong, I need to be tough but it is so hard.
I am so pathetic, I know, I know. I notice when things scare me I tend not to comprehend what the doctor says. It's like my mind is elsewhere.
Oh well.
Lord let me use the strength I know that you truly bless me with. Remind me of that strength and please let me feel you holding my hand during this. Amen.

Sunbeams and butterflies

A little while ago Sushi posted something about being romanced. That in bible study we were challenged to see in what ways God was romancing us. Did you know that if we just look for it we can see that He is doing so more and more each day?
I have determined that His way of romancing me has been sunbeams and butterflies. The sunbeam part I get. The butterflies still make me think.

Ever since I was little I always thought that Angels were coming down to Earth on the sunbeams that I saw streaking through the clouds. I didn't believe in God at that time. I believed in angels though. If I didn't where would my dad be? Kind of silly actually. It was something that seemed to make sense and kept me going. How could I believe in one and not the other? I always felt a presence but it hasn't been until my adulthood that I have found God and realized that He was that very present feeling that someone was watching me. I never really thought of those sunbeams as being romanced until Sue pointed it out to me. I literally stopped and thought. Dead in my tracks so to speak. I had a hmmmm moment.

Now the butterfly thing. I like ladybugs. I don't collect butterflies and have never really felt like they were something that I would. Until now. I am not the one that loves butterflies but it seems to be the way that God shows me that He loves me. The other day at the lake there was one literally inches from my finger tips. When he finally would get scared enough to fly away he would. Sue said she watched the butterfly go up and do a complete circle around me and then land right back where I was. The butterfly was playing with me. Yesterday at work I saw one twice. I got out of the car in Chilliwack while doing a delivery and one flew right around me in front of my face. I smiled. Then on the way back to Abbotsford I was caught at a light in Chilliwack just before the freeway. Then here comes a butterfly right across my windshield. You don't see that much! Then on my way home the sun hid behind the clouds for a brief moment and I saw the sunbeams. I took off my sunglasses to look but didn't see them as well but when I put them back on it was so beautiful and obvious. I laughed. I actually felt overwhelmed and felt tears. It was for me. Selfish? Probably but it was for me. Just me.
God loves me. God loves all of us. Like a child I once again feel giddy. I feel warmed by His love and just want to shout it to anyone and everyone that will hear me. Stand on top of the highest mountain and scream it out at the top of my lungs.
Sunbeams and butterflies are God's way to romance me. What are yours? Are you listening? Are you paying attention?
He is so amazing.
Thank you Lord for your amazing, endless love. I love you.

One Year Ago Today......

God brought into this world a little angel. I will never forget that day. I had been waitng to see this little one forever. My niece was going to be born. I remember the anticipation of having to get to the hospital. The tears that streamed down my face when I saw Rod, Michelle and Grandma giving the baby a bath. I remember pointing at her while I was holding flowers and balloons and a teddy bear. I remember holding you for the first time and feeling you in my arms. I will NEVER forget the day that God blessed this world with our "Little Miss".


Watching you grow over this past year has been very exciting and memorable. I love the way you know me and you can always find me. You know who your Auntie is and that makes me feel so special. You knew me from day one. I can't wait to hear you call me Auntie and to hear Uncle too. Oh and the fun that we will have. We love you Little Miss Payton. You are beautiful. You are special. You are our little angel.

Happy First Birthday Payton!! Your Auntie Misty and Uncle Phil love you very much.

I have a thought running through my head....

Thought I would Shout it out for you all to hear....




GOD IS SO AWESOME!! HE IS AMAZING!!



Just a thought I figured would be good to share. I am overcome with His love this morning. More than usual. I feel like I have butterflies.

Spiritual Gifts

A while back I did a little "test" on what my spiritual gifts were. I thought, oh great here we go we won't find any there. It is not necessarily a gift that you may recognize right away. Anyway, I did the test. Reluctantly at first. Wondering if I would get anywhere on the "scale" or not. Or if God missed me that day He was giving them out. I did the test and realized that my meaning of spiritual gifts was just a little off base. Wow. The results actually made sense to me. I could see it. I never thought of them as that. Never thought that what seemed to come so naturally and pleasantly to me was a spiritual gift.
Recently I got to use my spiritual gift. I just thought of it as helping someone out. Then a friend pointed out to me that it was a part of my gifts. That I had just used my gifts for what they meant to be used as. It was the coolest feeling in the world.
I have noticed lately how giddy I totally feel again. How excited I get when I realize, or am shown, that I am being used by God. It is a totally awesome feeling. I had felt like I lost it for a bit but maybe I just wasn't paying attention anymore. Then I started to wonder, Is there any way I can get a job using these gifts? How awesome would that be.
Yeah, never happy with what I got..... I know. Wanting to run but there is NO way that I can. So I start to think about other things I can be doing. How fulfilling would it be to be used by God? Everyday. I know we are but sometimes I really wonder why He puts me in places and situations that I think I can't handle.
So, anyway just a bunch of ranting here. I really, truly do loved being used by God. It is scary and unfamiliar sometimes but all worth it.
One of the girls that was training me is also a Christian, has been all her life. We were actually talking while we were driving about God and about Jesus. She told me that it was nice to talk to someone about all this stuff. She and her friends have grown up with church and she said that they never really talk but it was nice to be able to talk to me about some of it. I told her that I may not have the answers but I can try to talk through any questions she has or find the answer she might need. Again, being used. Feels awesome.
I love knowing that I wasn't skipped over and that He did give me special gifts. Unique to me. I love using them. Wish I did it more often. Something I will have to remedy I guess.
Isn't God awesome!!!

Button Pushing

I have always heard about someone pushing your buttons. If you are afraid of the dark someone will push them just to watch you squirm, if they are mean. Other times some people will know what makes you really mad and they will keep going at it until you snap.
I have learnt something. That I am a threat to Satan. That the closer I get to God the more he pushes my buttons. My insecurities. My self-hate and my doubt are just a few to mention. He keeps playing with them over and over until I eventually believe them. Or until I get knocked down so badly that I am paralized and can't move. Until I see the hate and the evil engulf me but can't move one muscle. I can't call out to anyone. I try to call on Jesus but I can't. My mouth doesn't work. It is pretty scary to know that Satan can push and push until he feels like he has the upper hand. Then out of my mouth will come a very audible whisper to Jesus. A whisper so faint that you woudn't hear it to the human ear. But that is ok. Cause Jesus heard it. He heard it loud and clear. Satan heard it. I call to Jesus and he sets me free. Then all of a sudden I can call louder and louder. That is when the battle gets even more intense.
Satan likes to work on pushing any of those little buttons he can. Making me doubt myself and others to the point where I start to think that he is right. Then I see that he is so wrong. Even in my darkest moment I can whisper to Jesus and that is when He hears me like I am actually screaming. I get so tired of the button pushing. Does Satan? I don't think so. He will keep pushing and pushing. I think that those buttons are starting to get too worn out sometimes and he doesn't even have to try hard. But God is so much more freeing and loving that I know I can turn to Him.People push your buttons until you snap. So does Satan. One day all it will take is for me to snap and he will know that he has won. No. It can't happen. I won't let it.
So, I reach out to other Christains. I reach to God and I can just imagine Satan squirming in his seat cause he is going to, be defeated. I am defeating him and he knows it. So do I. I have God and that is what matters the most and he doesn't like that.
The closer I get the harder he fights. I can't let him win.
Does any of this make any sense to anyone else? Barely makes sense in my mind. I just know that my insecurities are the loudest when he works at me. They are already forgiven. My sins are already washed clean. So back off Satan and leave the buttons alone. God and I are disabling them. No one said this journey and this battle would be easy. But I have an awesome coach and with His help I know that anything is possible. I also have a few good "men" to support me on my way. My army is growing stronger and Satan's is getting weaker.
Thank you Jesus.

My First Car!!!

1996 Ford Taurus

Growing in Faith

The last while I have had people mention to me how much I am growing. Someone told me that she was amazed by my faith. She said, look at that faith. What do they see?? I don't see any of it.
I know that I am growing and it seems like whenever I get down and into the thoughts that I am lacking the faith I need to grow, someone will tell me how much I am growing. Or they will tell me how cool my amount of faith is. What?!?? I don't see any of that.
Then I saw it for one brief moment. I had a nagging feeling and when I listened to what my heart was saying I believed it was right. I believe that I was supposed to listen and follow through on what was being told to my heart. I listened and believed that it was really God talking to me and let me tell you, the feeling I had in my heart after was amazing. Before it was all nerves. Wanting to back out. I listened relying on faith and faith alone. That He wouldn't steer me wrong and I don't think He did that day. You can only imagine how excited I was and how proud of myself I was to just know that I listened to what He said. Whether it was right or not needed, I still took that step and listened.
Then there are days where I wonder, Where are you? Why do I feel like I have no faith in you?

He is working on some interesting stuff in my life and it scares the crap out of me. I am so scared that now that He has opened this door He may just turn His back on me and leave me there to suffer alone. This week I have done pretty good at trying to ignore it. Not thinking about the door He is opening. I am scared that now that I have started to go through this door there is no turning back. I lay in the middle of the entrance my heart torn and bleeding. Laying here feeling like I am left alone with my wounds wide open, bleeding and pusing (nice visual hey!!) and that there is no one to help heal me. The lack of faith? It hurts to think that I am lacking faith in Him. I have been let down and abandoned. I have come to that conclusion and now that I am there I am scared to death that He will leave me too. Others did. That He just won't care anymore. I know what I have been taught tells me otherwise. Yet I am human and my head tells me to not even go there. I will be abandoned again. Hide behind the mask. Keep it there.
So. I really don't get it when I am told that my faith is pretty cool and that my growth is getting there. There are moments when I agree that yeah, I am growing. Then there are moments like this when I wonder why I am fooling myself.
What about this thought. That maybe, just maybe this is God. That in my times of weakness and self-doubt he sends me a little message. Ones coming from others I barely know telling me about my faith. Maybe He is showing me that I am growing and that I do have the faith. He is sending this message through people from His mouth so that I can hear it and believe it. I don't believe it when I am told it. Yet ending this with the thought I had makes me think that yeah, I am growing. I do have faith. So why don't I ever feel it? Sometimes I will laugh and tell myself that I am really growing. I guess it all takes time. I just wish I saw what others see. What God sees.
Am I really growing in faith? Why can't I see it??

Police Chase in Mission

That is exactly what Sue and I saw on our way home from bible study tonight.

We both noticed a cop go flying past us one way then when we got near the lights we saw that there must have been an accident. There was a female cop out of her car stopping the traffic from continuing. You could see that she was totally pumped on adrenaline. We didn't know why. Then the next thing I knew I saw her talk into her walkie-talkie thing and then she was practically jumping up and down in spot. Watched her grab something from the car. Next thing I know she threw down a spike strip!! Up from behind us comes this pickup truck flying at like twice the speed limit. He went over the spikes. There was another cop right behind him, chasing him. So instead of turning we decided to go straight, the way the truck and the cop went. Wondering if we would see anything. To no avail. The truck was going so fast that it was totally nuts!! They were long gone. I just hope that no one gets hurt during all this.
People say there is never anything interesting happening in Mission!!

Like a child

I am such a little girl sometimes. And quite frankly it scares me. It scares me that because I don't act how a 26 year old "should" act makes me a pathetic person. It scares me that I may loose friendships over it. Yes I am 26 but I sure don't act it. I do really act like a child. I see the looks that people give me. I get self-conscious about whether or not I may be pissing off or embarrassing my friends.
I "played" dress up yesterday and got some good laughs cause Neil was dressing funny too. Yet in the back of my mind I kept wondering if the ones I hold dearest to me in my life would end up rolling their eyes or walking away from me. I started wondering. Did I ever play dress up as a child? Probably. I vaguely remember a box that had some clothes in it. But don't really remember playing around in them. It makes me wonder why I act this way. Growing up I had to set an example for my younger siblings. I was always told, well you're the oldest. I sometimes wonder if the way I act now is just out of pure freedom of being able to act like I can enjoy myself.
Then there are times where someone treats me like a child. They talk down to me or tell me what to do. How to act appropriately and what to so and what not to say. When that happens I feel stupid. Really stupid. I feel that my life needs to be controlled by them and that I need to grow up and act my age. They judge me and for that brief instant they take away my spark. They make me feel inadequate and unworthy. That right there should be enough to stop me but I don't. I still act like a child.
I hope I don't embarrass anyone but at the same time I know I must. They are putting up with me and that is hard enough. My friends accept and love me for who I am, a child or a "proper" adult.
I giggle. I get giddy. I get excited about going to the PNE, the thought of going to Disneyland and even just going out locally either camping or swimming. Those are things that I love doing and the part of me that shows that is the six year old that just can't contain herself.
I am so much like a little kid that it is crazy. I hope that I don't embarrass anyone. I start to think that I might need to change how I act and what I do. Then would it really be me? Would I have this much fun with life? Right now I am having so much fun and it has been a while in the making. Do I sit back and take it when people tell me what to do and talk down to me? Do I let them push me around and tell me how I should and shouldn't act?
I often wonder, this is how God made me isn't it? Does He want me to keep being the child that I feel I am? I am His child but also an adult at that. So do I lose the playfulness? Do I lose who I am just because I am afraid of losing my friends and those that I hold closest to my heart? Do I lose me? Myself?
Like a child I am filled with so many questions and I feel like I have no where to run with them. I have lost the innocence of being a child but do I really need to grow up and act like my age? Do I need to conform to how society would view a 26 year old? Or do I just continue being the way that God made me. I don't know but like a child I am hiding in anticipation of whether or not I am being a proper "example". The resounding answer is no. But do I care? Obviously or else this blog wouldn't have been written. I guess I better go and be a grownup. I just don't really want to lose who I am. I am like a child.

From Captivating

"It is one thing to suffer. It is far worse to walk alongside one you love who is suffering intensely and be unable to do anything about it." p. 175

Camping Pictures

Got some of them uploaded. Both on Flickr and my fotoblog. There are even pictures of the kayak. (Niki) In Flickr you can view them as a slide show. That is fun.
These are only a portion of them. Still waiting for the others.
Enjoy....

Celine Dion

Ok, Ok... Before you roll your eyes at me bear with me. I heard a song by her today and I started thinking. It was probably about a man or someone in her life. More than likely a man. I started to wonder, what if that man was God. Then it seemed like the song made sense to me. The words all seemed to fit. It happens because He loved me. How many times does it feel like He is the one who was always there. Even though I am fighting Him, He is fighting FOR me. It may seem weird or morbid to think of God in this song but that's just who I am I guess.

Because You Loved Me

For all those times you stood by me
For all the truth that you made me see
For all the joy you brought to my life
For all the wrong that you made right
For every dream you made come true
For all the love I found in you
I'll be forever thankful (baby)
You're the one who held me up
Never let me fall
You're the one who saw me through through it all

You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldn't speak
You were my eyes when I couldn't see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldn't reach
You gave me faith 'coz you believed
I'm everything I am
Because you loved me

You gave me wings and made me fly
You touched my hand I could touch the sky
I lost my faith, you gave it back to me
You said no star was out of reach
You stood by me and I stood tall
I had your love I had it all
I'm grateful for each day you gave me
Maybe I don't know that much
But I know this much is true
I was blessed because I was loved by you

You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldn't speak
You were my eyes when I couldn't see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldn't reach
You gave me faith 'coz you believed
I'm everything I am
Because you loved me

You were always there for me
The tender wind that carried me
A light in the dark shining your love into my life
You've been my inspiration
Through the lies you were the truth
My world is a better place because of you

You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldn't speak
You were my eyes when I couldn't see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldn't reach
You gave me faith 'coz you believed
I'm everything I am
Because you loved me

(bis)
I'm everything I am
Because you loved me


So, now that I have put an idea into your head does it make sense? Or does it really prove how nuts I am?
I am everything I am Because He loved me.

He is there

Even in your weakest moments God shines through. Some how, some way He pushes through to your heart so that you may listen to His words. So that you may trust Him.
I have found that I have a really hard time running to God or trusting Him with things that I believe I can fix on my own. I never had a dad to run to. So how do I know how to do it? That is my thought anyway.
For some time I thought that I was really reaching out to God but I have come to realize that maybe I haven't been. Maybe I have actually been the one pulling away. He is reaching but I am being a child and running from Him. Knowing full well that He still will find me. That I can't run. I can't hide. But I can choose not to reach back. I can choose to be stubborn. That is really getting me far!!
I am so tired of running. Tired of my digging to hide. "The walls I've built are falling; and Your waves of Grace are washing over me."
I know in my heart that it is time to let those waves wash over me. Time to let the grace engulf me and pull me closer to Him. Yet I still believe the lies. I let myself think that they are true. When will I ever grow up? I would cry out for Him yet I find myself thinking that He is tired of me and that I do not deserve to have it all stop. I deserve the torment, the nightmares and the hate. When will I believe Him?
Lately small things keep arising to remind me that He is paying attention. That even though I may not be ready for healing or experiencing what He has in store it is ok. He has different plans. He keeps gently pulling and pushing. Keeping me to go through the doors. Yet I plant my feet firmly against the door frame and put my arms against the wall. Not going any further! You can only hold it that way for so long. I get a moment of being tired of fighting and He uses that to remind me not to fight. He uses that split second to come to me and try to tell me that it is ok. Yet I replant my feet and decide to fight. How terrible of me. I am slapping Him in the face and it hurts. Yet I still fight. Thinking that I can't handle it. Am I really that wrong?

What an awesome day!!!

Today was an awesome birthday. I woke up to Phil saying HAPPY BIRTHDAY!! Then when I checked my inboxes I had some birthday cards. That was cool. Thanks all who sent one. Then I went out to breakfast with my mom. Which was weird in itself. Then I got to go shopping with Sue and then visit Michelle.
I was kind of disappointed. Sue and Michelle were both busy and I was hoping to get together with some friends for dinner. So Phil decided to take me out on a "date". Sue told me to have fun with my husband at dinner. Michelle told me that she had to watch Andrew.
So, Phil came home and he decided to take me to Milestones for dinner. We walked down to the truck and he opened my door and handed me a dozen roses. Six red, three white and three cream. Then we drove out to dinner. As we were pulling in I saw a friend of ours pulling into a spot. Phil said he was the only one of my friends that were available for tonight.
We walked into the restaurant and followed the waitress up the steps. I looked and saw Sue and Michelle as well as Payton and Andrew. I was surprised. I was met at the restaurant by the people I love. Rod was there too. It was awesome.
This is the first time I have ever been surprised for a birthday and the first time I have ever been sung to at a restaurant. It is definitely a night to remember. I was surprised and got a free slice of cake!! I hope I never forget this night. I couldn't have imagined it to be any better. Oh and at Milestones they take pictures of the person celebrating their day. I got the Polaroid in a card that said making memories and everyone at the table signed it. So cool.
Thanks everyone!!

The First Day

Ok. Bear with me here. This is the only picture I have so far. I have to get the others off the cameras.

So, the first day - Thursday- I left at 8:30 that morning. In the morning we packed the car and then when 8:30 rolled around I got into the car and went to drop off my house keys to my cat sitter.
I got to the campsite at about 10/10:30. (Somewhere in there). So I drove around and picked out the three sites I thought would be best. The lady at the gate told me that it was good that I was so early cause she predicts that the whole camp ground would fill up by noon. It did.
So I parked my car and got to unpacking. Went for the tent.
At first I was dissapointed with the tent because I thought it had two rooms and when I set it up I noticed it didn't. Then I continued to unpack it. There was the divider. Two rooms!! Then it has a summer fly and a rain fly. I put both on.
Started to pump up the air matress. It is a queen but double thick. It is two matresses in one. Pop the bottome one you still got the top one or vice a versa.
As I was setting everything up I realized how much of a walking advertisment we were for Canadian Tire. I think it was Dennis that ended up asking later in the weekend if we get something for advertising the company. Our sleeping bags, air matress, air pumps, tent, tube and rope for the boat were all things from Canadian Tire. It was pretty funny. I love my new tent. The rain fly goes all the way to the ground all the way around and is made out of tarp material. We were dry. Slept really good the rest of the weekend once I got some earplugs (thanks Sue). Did you ever realize how wonderful those ear plugs are? Yet I do realize that they could be dangerous. But I slept soooo well.
Warning. More info and pictures are to come. You may get sick of it. Hehehehe.

Praise God

This weekend was absoulutely wonderful. It did rain a little here and there but other than that it was great. Sunday was beautiful went for a tube ride. Everyone got there safe and sound. The tents were up before the rain on Friday night. What a wonderful weekend and I thank God.
I had so much fun with everyone and I hope they did too. We are glad we went.
Thank you God for such an awesome weekend and for holding off the rain.
I am going to lay down for a while now. Too much sun today. I will be posting pictures eventually here. Including ones of Sue and I on the tube behind the boat.
Trust me... more to come!!!