Thursday, June 18, 2009

Prime Time With God - Daily Devotional

from this morning. I swear I have heard this before. As in recently.....

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord. As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways" (Isaiah 55:8-9)

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

2 steps forward, one step back

So lately Phil has told me that I have been doing pretty well. That I have been doing really good actually.

Yet today I have an overwhelming sense of loneliness. I just can't seem to shake it. I am tired and want to be in bed. I feel sad and lonely. Cooper has had WAY too much TV today. I feel detached as well.

Guess that is the territory that can come with depression. I just can't seem to shake it today. I am thankful that God's mercies are new every morning at least. I hold on to the hope that tomorrow will be a better day.


I got a call from my doctor's office saying the test results were back and my doc wants to see me. I only had blood tests done. So I am thinking he found something and maybe this will give me an answer to things. I don't know. But if you know me well enough, you know that my mind has gone in to over drive. Although I try not to worry or anything it keeps coming back to the forefront of my mind.

time to try to take that step forward back. Or at least go to bed. lol

some days are better then others for sure. I just keep trying each and every day.

Psalm 27:1

I was lead to this Psalm this morning.

"The LORD is my light and my salvation—
whom shall I fear?
The LORD is the stronghold of my life—
of whom shall I be afraid? "

There is fear in my heart right now but I am trying each and every day to hand it over to God. He is my stronghold and He has the strength to deal with it. I won't allow myself or the enemy to dwell on the fear. Fear is not of God. I wish this was easier though...

Friday, June 12, 2009

A bit from my devotional this morning

I really feel like God is trying to help me understand His love. I have a hard time with it but I think He keeps trying. Here is a bit from my devotional this morning from "Purpose Driven Connection" by Rick Warren.

"The Lord reached down from above and took hold of me; He pulled me out of the deep waters" (Psalm 18:16 TEV).

There are times when we all think, "I'm going under for the last time! I'm about to sink!" No matter how deep you are, God's love is there; He can pull you out of the deepest waters.

No matter what problem you have, God's love is deeper than your problem. You may be in deep despair, deep trouble, under deep stress. You may have deep problems - emotional problems, physical problems, financial problems.

Yet, God's love is deeper still.

In the last few months, you may have hit bottom...You're frustrated and you think, "I'm going under."

Where is God when you hit bottom? He's right there underneath you. He is "your refuge, and His everlasting arms are under you" (Deuteronomy 33:27 NLT).

Drop into His arms of love. Let Him catch you and support you when you have nowhere else to go.


I personally believe that I have hit bottom and had it pulled directly out from under me but I KNOW that God was still loving me. People helped to drive that home. I am so thankful that His love is so big. That He will always love me no matter what. I really need to get it fully in to my heart.

I am worth being loved by Him. So are you.

then I just got this too in my email....
"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the LORD. As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts" (Isaiah 58:8,9).

talk about timing...

Tuesday, June 09, 2009

It's been a LONG time....

let's just say that lately I have had struggles. I know everyone has. I know my struggles don't amount to what so and so may be going through or they may be worse then the guy next door but that is not the point. The point is not that you have struggles worse or less then the other person. The point is that MY struggles are hard for me. That I have been broken and thrown in to my own little hell.

The past year has been a really hard one for me. I am sure some of you may know or may gather from reading my blog. I just am not ready to go in to full details yet as to what has happened. Just that I was broken and I am hoping to continue the healing God has already started in my heart.

Last night on the way home from a dear friends baby shower I decided to actually listen to the message that was playing on 106.5 Praise FM. Chuck Swindoll was talking on "Unraveling the Mystery of Suffering". Just hearing the title peaked my interest so I decided to listen. Many times my jaw dropped and tears formed because he seemed to know dead on and it was like God was talking to me. Mr. Swindoll was talking on 2 Corinthians chapter 1.

Mr. Swindoll had some great points. I often wondered WHY I was going through what I was going through. Why the loses. Why the other stuff and how I got to where I did. He made a point along these lines.....
"When I climb up out of the grief, the disappointment, and the horror of it all then I get stabilized and wouldn't you know it, someone else goes through a similar experience. I meet them and I am able to understand.
Had I not gone through my loss, my grief, my heartache, my brokenness, I wouldn't have the inner equipment to even understand, say nothing to comfort others."

Wow! If that isn't the truth! That is exactly why I blog what I do. Why I choose to be so real and vulnerable. Why I tell real life people what I have gone through. I just never know if it may help someone or help someone realize that "hey, she went through it or is going through it, maybe I can talk to her." Going through what I have gone through and what I am going through really does allow me to be able to relate to others who may be struggling as well.

He goes on to say, "We suffer so that we may comfort others who go through a similar situation." It is hard to imagine that. The reason I am going through this is because this is where God needs me to be. Then last night just realizing that because of what I have gone through and am going through I can be a comfort to someone else. Someone that may be hurting and broken to the extent I was and am. That I may just be able to help someone else.

I am not writing this for pity or to be acknowledged. I am writing this because last night I came to a realization that God was and is with me in all of this. That if He can use me to help someone else then maybe it was good that it all happened. I haven't yet been able to say thank you but I hope to get there one day. It is still all fresh and new to me and I don't know when I will be able to thank God that this is all happening. I know, this must sound pretty vague and for that I apologize. Just understand I am not ready just yet to share it to the big world of blogging.

When Mr. Swindoll went on to say, "the suffering is of such great intensity that it is designed by God to bring us to the end of our own strength. Without an explanation, without an escape and without strength to go on you find yourself falling before God saying 'help.' 'help me.' 'help me now.' " my jaw hit the floor. That is exactly what happened. I got to the point where I couldn't go on. Although I am not sure if I did drop before God I can look back now and realize that I was in fact crying out for help. All the signs are there. Hindsight. I can see it all. Now. Not then but I can see it now. People were telling me how to go about things and that I needed to reach out for help but I still fought it. I should have listened. I was at the end of my strength. I had nothing left. No where else to turn. Little did I see that God was already offering a way out.

It is at the point where I do realize that "Broken people understand people being broken." I know that I need to keep the faith, I need to keep fighting. That Mr. Swindoll is right when he says, "faith comes when I surrender to the Father and say, 'you take this battle for me'." I am slowly surrendering. I know that I don't have the strength to do this myself. It is God's strength that will help me pull through. "God never wastes tests. They are designed to strengthen the muscle of faith to trust, to cause us to trust Him when the bottom really does drop out."

The bottom has dropped out for me. I realized too that I needed God more then ever. Sometimes when I didn't know what to do I said three simple words, "God help me." Then "God protect me." I didn't have the words or strength to go on but just uttering those simple sentences showed me that God WAS and IS there. That He is rooting for me, fighting for me and pulling me through. I hear His voice more now.

The battle is hell. It has been one hell of a year. I try to see the good of the last year but I can't see it just yet. I know one day though I will look back on it and think "AH! That is why it happened." Just knowing that for now I can be a help to someone else makes the battle a little easier. Just knowing that I was and am loved helped me to pull through a little stronger.

I take things step by step, minute by minute, day by day. I try not to think about a week from now. For now I stop and think about what is going to happen today.

sorry for the mismatched blog. One day it will all make more sense. Right now this is all I have in me.