Thursday, June 30, 2005

We're off!!

So, the car is loaded down and I am almost ready to go. I will leave this morning at about 8:30/9:00. The computer is going off. It has been a long time since it has been turned off.
Dropping my keys off to my "cat sitter" and that is it. On the road. I am practically jumping up and down. I get to set up a new tent. I can't wait for everyone to get there. Everyone should be there tomorrow morning. I am so a little kid.
I was just thinking about Michelle and Rod this morning while loading our car. We have a spare high chair here that we are taking for them. I thought of how much stuff they must need to pack with the baby. But this will be fun. Don't forget your cameras Girls.

So, I am signing off until I get home. Knowing me I will probably want to write right away.
See you in four days!!

Wednesday, June 29, 2005


Off the camping topic for a minute here.....

I had an interview with Lordco and I was told that I did very well they were just waiting on my criminal record check to get done. God opened that door for me and I walked through. Here is the dilemma.
The manager called me and wants me to call him back tonight. I don't know what to do!! I just talked to my manager today about cross-training me into seasonal. He said that when the hours are available they will do it. If and when..... so do I switch jobs when I am finally at my three months here. Off probation and will soon get my medical or do I go to a new place, where he was begging to have me apply and start over? Less pay at Lordco. More hours. I will have to drive for a living, will that bug my shoulder? My hip? hmmm.... I went into the door and now I am confussed as to where to go and what to do.
Oh well, camping this weekend.....

9:50 pm.
Here's an update. I start at Lordco on the 18th of July. I really feel that GOd opened these doors for me. It was a quick process. The problem with Canadian Tire is that I won't be getting full time hours at all and the night shifts where I work until 10 o'clock. At Lordco he guaranteed me 40 hours a week. Sundays and Tuesdays off. And we are only open until 8 pm. So that is more time I can spend with my husband.
I feel good about it. Hesitant but good. I feel like I am totally trusting God here. I put it into His hands and I am having faith in Him. This is happening for a reason. I got the interview so quickly and guaranteed hours for a reason. It definately feels like it is a "God thing". If it doesn't work out He still will provide. So, putting aside my fear I chose to follow this door and walk through putting the trust into someone else's hands. He knows the next step and I need to trust it.

Camping note:
Phil just bought me a tent for my birthday. It is a cool looking one. We will see how well it works.


My work gave me the whole weekend off. It used to be that I had to come back Saturday to work from 6- 10. So all the way back for a four hour shift. I felt really bad asking for the time off. They said that it was ok though. My supervisor Wendy had taken me off of Saturday and put the new guy on and she is going to come in and check on things. She told me to go and have a good weekend with my husband. I am SO excited!! I even get my birthday off!
I was talking to my physiotherapist and I told her how she is going to have to smack me next time she sees me. I have a messed up hip and shoulder. I have been seeing her solidly for a year and then off and on when my schedule permits for the last month. Is that going to stop me? NO WAY!! I am still going to go kayaking. Still going to go for a hike. Still going to go and have fun. I know that I will pay for it and I am not looking forward to that part. (maybe I need to remember the bottle of ibproufen) But the fun that I will have doing those things would be well worth it. If I spent my life worrying about whether or not I should do something cause I might hurt myself I would go nuts. How boring would that be!! Might as well just put me in the nut house now! You only have so many opportunities to make memories.
So this morning I am trying to pull the loose ends together and trying to get things organized. We are all taking our own food. So we are shopping tonight. Easy munchable things for the day and then at night Phil is insisting that we eat some good food. He is going to pick us up some chicken and some steaks and potatoes. So, Michelle and Sue keep that in mind. Don't forget to pack something that will be filling at dinner!! And why is it we eat better dinners when we are camping!?
I am totally like a little kid. One more sleep!! Not enough time to finish packing some stuff. As usual I have packed way too much. But it is ok. I will be prepared.
I am praying for decent weather. I don't care if it rains but I am asking if it could be decent. Doesn't even have to be sunny (although that would be a bonus) and if it is cloudy and overcast that is fine. That is what the sweaters are for. I am just praying for no rain. Now that I told you all this I hope that no one prays against it!! Help me pray? It is the little things that we reach for sometimes but I always feel that it is ok. That He wants us to come to him with anything, no matter how big or small, how trivial it may seem to us or others. As long as we come to Him.
That is another thing too. I am looking forward to being surrounded with God's beauty. To take it all in. To love it the way I was created to love and to worship Him within all this beauty.
Anyway..... I am rambling. Gotta go.....

Monday, June 27, 2005


Just thought I would share this with you.
I hate it when I will be just doing daily things then all of a sudden a numbness will go through my head and down my neck. Sometimes into my face. It is the weirdest feeling. I think the muscles in my left shoulder are just way too tight.
It always scares me though when things happen to do with my head. I know, pretty pathetic but here is why:
My Dad died of an aneurysm, my uncle had one and two of my cousins. All in the head area. So of course that goes through my head. Always have that fear. Sometimes I will catch myself being stupid and crying because it scares me. How stupid is that!!
Just thought I would share. The numbness is driving me crazy. It does come and go. This is the longest it had lasted so far. Phil worries sometimes too. Knowing the history. But it's all good. Just muscle.
But still....... Sometimes I find myself being stupid and worrying......

Lists and Planning

I am the type of person that totally has to have things planned and packed perfectly. When in actuality I know that there really isn't such a thing. Something will always go wrong.
So, my family and a few friends are going camping together this weekend. I leave with Joel on Thursday. I am already almost packed. Wanting to make up the list of things to remember. The kayak, towels. Oh tarps. Firewood. Food. Clothes. The list really does go on. Don't forget the pump for the air mattress and life jackets....
I always over pack but it has come in useful once in a while. Just ask some of my friends. Being a woman too I need to make sure I have a variety of clothes. Got to have two swimsuits (at least). What if the other one is wet when I want to go swimming. No one wants to put on a cold, wet bathing suit. Then the sunscreen. Hats. Rain gear. The list is huge but I bet that I am the most prepared person that you will see at that campsite. So the list is started. So many things left to do.
I was trying to tell Sue how to get there. She looked at me and laughed. She said that it was a few days away and giving her directions this far away is really no point. Yeah she's right. But I get so excited. Every year we try to go camping around the days before my birthday. Sometimes on my birthday. Maybe that is why I felt so confused and frustrated last year. We didn't do anything. I have never been to a restaurant on my birthday but then never been surprised either. Don't like those!! Then again we are always away for my birthday. That is the funnest part. (hehehe....made up a word).
So the lists are started. My husband and friends are shaking their heads. Have so much to do before I go. So little time!!
Hey!! I just realized four days without blogging!! Withdrawals will be happening. Then again I really couldn't think of any other people I would like to spend the weekend with. Having fun, and being together.
I'm so excited!!

Sunday, June 26, 2005

The little girl

This weekend I was priveledged enough to meet God's grace and love face to face. I met it in a little girl named Nikki. She has a smile that can light up any room from a mile away with a past that will just rip your heart and break it into little pieces.
She is the most pefect image of love and blessings that I have ever seen. Although she has a troubled past she, with no hesitation, will give a complete stranger a hug. Her hug that she gave me was one that made me feel like she didn't want to let me go. So much power within the embrace of a child. A child that the world had ignored and brushed off, forgotten. A child that God sure didn't ignore, push away or forget. He still had plans for her even though her little world was one that was crashing down all around her. The strength of that precious little one is so amazing. I hope that I will never forget the powerful, loved filled embrace that she gave me.
I didn't know her and she didn't know me. I heard a bit of her story and it was enough to melt my heart and make me feel an incredible pull to meet this little angel. I went up to her and introduced myself. She gave me a shy timid smile. Kinda standing there playing her foot back and forth. I asked her if I could give her a hug. The response was incredible. While she was nodding she stepped forward and placed her arms around my shoulders. Imediately, with no hesitation she was willing to share her love with a comlete stranger.
Nikki is twelve years old and incredibly trusting. As we embraced I told her how I felt so blessed to meet her. I told her that she was a wonderful blessing from God. She whispered thanks. Made me realize how precious and amazing God is. How intrecate His pans are and how they will all fall into place when He is ready. Not when I think that it should happen or that ok, now I am ready.
The little girl that melted my heart. The little girl that radiated the love and peace of God. The little girl that made me feel like I was embracing a long lost friend. That I was embracing God.
I thank God that I got to meet her. She has made an impact on my life that she may never know and she may never fully understand. She is from Thailand. Almost exactly the other side of the world. God's miracles and angels are everwhere around this world and one time you may get to meet one face to face. I did.
I met an angel. I met God's perfect love and strength. The little girl that God never gave up on. The little girl that was blessed to have been interviened and shown the love she so badly needed. The little girl that is etched into my heart forever. The little girl that made me feel like I was shown a little piece of heaven.

Friday, June 24, 2005

Doe a deer ... a female deer...

This one is even more blurry but hey what can you expect from a camera phone? Posted by Hello

the deer. This is a deer we saw while driving down Michelle's street. A little blurry Posted by Hello

Thursday, June 23, 2005

A little personal here

Today feels like a weird day for me. Haven't felt this way in a long time. Woke up this morning and did not want to get out of bed. Later this morning I crawled back in and then forced myself up again.
There have been so many things on my mind lately. So many things that I can't seem to handle on my own yet I don't want to talk about it. Things I have been trying so hard to deal with.
Last night I went to work and I felt like I didn't belong there. I would like to go to school but it won't happen. That is a money thing. My car keeps yelling at me on a daily basis. Stop the dinging!!
It's all good. I will pull through. I have to. I have to be the strong one, be the rock in so many situations. Yet I feel like I just can't do it. God is the rock I need and I need to show that in many other areas too.
So many questions about God, Jesus and related stuff. I feel like I am being pulled in so many directions and I just can't stretch that way. I am not Elasta Girl.
I know, I know..... here I sit whining and complaining. Just at a loss of what to do. Hand it over to God, I know. I try but something is pulling at me saying that He can't take care of it right now and He can't show me the answers that I need. So is that Satan? I really hate him. I just wish that satan would leave us all alone so we can all be in God. I know it's not that easy. We have conflict and confussion for a reason. It helps to bring us closer to God. But what do you do when you feel so flustered and can't get things straight? I reach out to people then when I do I feel like I am being a burden on so many levels. I know that it's not true but the insecurities like to toy with us. I reach for God and I feel like He is guiding me. Guiding me to talk things out and with others.
Ah.... It's all good. Just rambling. Probably to delete this later. Not wanting to post it but feeling like it is a way to get it out.
Lord come to me. Hold me.
I am going back to bed.......

Wednesday, June 22, 2005

from "Captivating"

p. 147

"When we choose not to hide, when we choose to offer our hearts, we are choosing to love."

Monday, June 20, 2005

What's to come

I was reading Erin's blog called "My religious Questions". Some of them got me to thinking. There was an interesting point she made. She said:
"But what concerns me the most is the people I love, who don't believe in God. When it comes to eternity, I am not going to be happy knowing that there are people who had major roles in my life, not in that other lovely place."

I remember when I first moved back out to Langley after I graduated. I got to hang out with those friends that I had to leave behind again. One of them was a very strong Christian. I remember the comment she made one day. I lost my dad to a brain aneurysm when I was five years old. One thing that I always held onto was the fact that one day I may get to see him again. Until this girl said something that tore my world apart.
We were all out roller blading at a skate park. We were talking about religion for some reason. She had told me that if you didn't believe that Jesus Christ was your savior then you were going to hell and you will not get to go to Heaven. I looked at her and said, "so does that mean that my dad is in Hell?" She said yes. I was really bad and chose to call her a really choice name and skated off and wanted to leave right away.
To this day I wonder if I will ever get to see my dad again. You see, my dad was not a Christian, didn't believe in God. So does that mean that he is in hell? I tend to believe that is not true. I have to have the faith that he is there in heaven waiting for me. Seeing me grow. Waiting to see his little girl again.
The thing that makes me believe this is that I don't know what he said before he died. I don't know if he called out for God to take him home. If he reached for God in his last minutes, with his last breath. I don't know if he actually believed in God in his heart.
It hurts to think that those we love may not be in heaven. That they may not get to go there. One thing that I have come to understand is that we don't know until we get there. Until we walk through those gates into our saviors arms and He leads us. We don't know if on their death beds they renounced Christ. That they reached out for Him. We don't know that even though people may say that they don't believe that they may believe deep within their soul. We will not know until we get there. All we can do is pray for those that don't believe and try our hardest to show them God's word.
I have to believe that I will see my dad again one day. I need to. Only God knows though. I am just happy to know that I will go to heaven and so will so many others. My husband and my closest friends.
My mom doesn't believe in God as far as I know. But I don't know what is in her heart. So there are many times that I will actualy say something along the lines about God. She was upset one time knowing that her mom didn't know that she had forgiven her. I told her that it was ok. God knew that she had forgiven her and we knew that she had forgiven her. If she didn't we wouldn't have turned out the way we did. I told her that God sees her heart. I made her cry (oops) and she asked me when her baby girl got so wise. I told her that I am not all that wise, that I just know that God sees and knows all. That He is there and He loves us. He knows our heart. I think she believes and she listens to what I say. Although we never have had that great of a relationship I love her and I believe that one day she may come to Christ. I can only pray.
That is all we can do. Pray. Like I said, we need to believe because we don't know what is in other peoples hearts. We need to believe that our Father will lead them home. We need to have the faith. Don't turn away from what we know, just try to bring others to Him.
Good post Erin. Got me thinking.

Sunday, June 19, 2005

A work in progress

There is a country song with that line in it but for the life of me right now I can't remember the words. I do know though that in it the guy says that God tells him he is a work in progress.

That's what I feel like I am lately. A work in progress. God's work. Every day He works on something a little more and everyday He chips away more at His work. Everyday He is working on something in me. I am glad though that I am His work.
I noticed that when I tried so hard to hand something over to God I can physically feel myself fighting it. What is the use? Would He really take this from me? Is He really going to ease my mind? Just some of the questions of doubt that play in my head and stop me from realizing that God will answer my request when I ask.
The latest thing that He has been working on in me is my patience and my control issue. Lately it seems like so many things are out of my hands and there is really nothing I can do about it. I will find myself praying yet feel deep down that He is getting sick of hearing me. He is getting tired of me feeling so lost and confused. I am coming to understand that it isn't true. He wants me to reach for Him and to put all my trust in Him. It is so hard considering that so many times trust has been broken with others. Things that are totally out of my hands seem to be sitting right in front of me for the last while. Yet I can feel that God is whispering for me to trust Him. There is really nothing else that I can do except pray. It is my turn to be strong but I so can't do it without Him. This I have realized.
I still doubt and when I do I feel like I am turning around and slapping Him in the face saying, whatever you can't fix this. He is the only one that can. I can't do it on my own, no matter how hard I try. I am learning to hand things over to God. I am learning to trust Him. It is a good feeling. Yet I don't know if it is just me or Satan, but I fight and I doubt. The closer I get to God and wanting Him fully in my heart I know that Satan will try to fight for me. He's not going to win. I won't let him. God will.
So, I feel like I should be walking around with a big sign on my chest that says work in progress. I am God's work and I am enjoying the journey I am on to discovering Him more and more. I don't think I will ever be finished being worked on. I think that there will always be something that He is going to chisel away at. I am in my makers hands and the best designer that there is. So even though things are out of my control and sometimes all I can do is cry, I need to trust that God has His plans and He is working them out in me. He is helping me to become who I am in Him and a better person all around.
Thank God that He doesn't throw down his tools and give up, but He keeps plugging at it. It is a long road and I am His work in progress.

Friday, June 17, 2005

Just Got in

We got in from the hospital. We were quite suprised at how quick we were in and out of there.
The blood tests came back fine. Nothing wrong. (as usual) They are doing further tests and his doctor will have the results later today and he sees him on Monday.
I was so scared and nervous that I was in tears. Once again there was nothing I could do. I prayed and handed it over to God. I trusted Phil to Gods arms and I knew that it would all work out.
Thank you all so much everyone that prayed. Means a lot to us.
I am not allowing him to go back to work today. He needs to rest.


I am taking Phil to the hospital. Can you please pray with me that he will be ok? That we will get some answers? Please pray for the doctors wisdom. Help me pray?
This is so out of my hands........ Oh Lord........

Lord please protect Phil and hold him in your arms. Give the doctors wisdom to run the tests that need to be ran and the knowledge to figure out what is wrong. In jesus' name I pray. Amen.

I need to be strong..... Yet I feel so weak.

Thursday, June 16, 2005

I have a selfish request....

Does anyone have a standard that they can take me for a drive in? I just applied at Lordco and I have an interview on Tuesday. I just need to refresh my manual driving skills. I know how to drive but the thing is it has been a while. The assistant manager took me out in the truck for a ride around the block and he said that I did good. I just need to get a little smoother.
Anyone up to taking me for a drive so I can practice being more smooth?
I don't work until 5 tomorrow and then there are options after that.
Does anyone know about any job openings? Phil REALLY needs a new job.

Wednesday, June 15, 2005

An amazing Hike

So, I went on a hike yesterday with Sue and her boys. It was fun. The hike was cool. Slippery, but cool.
I climbed out and stood up at the top of the waterfall. I think I scared some people. I thought I was good, then on the way back up to the land I scared myself. I slipped. I just kinda hung onto the rock for a second and Joel put out his hand to pull me up. Hey - I gave Sue back her keys before I went out there though, just in case. Hehehe....
Looking around at everything I felt like a child. I had never been to this place before and to me it was so cool. Just looking at everything and having the overwhelming feeling of God's presence. He knows every Drop of water that went over that waterfall. He knows every tree and every stone. He made it and we are privledged enough to enjoy it. I had an awesome day. Spent the morning with Michelle and then this hike. I have never felt so blessed, that I am lucky enough to be able to participate in simple things. Like spending time with a dear friend and going for a hike with another.
Thanks guys, just for being there.
Oh... and we swam too. It was a little chilly but so nice. Once the boys got out I just kinda floated in the water on my back, then the sun hit me. I layed there floating with the sun warming me. To me that was a God moment. Then I had to get out. I was getting cold.

Sunday, June 12, 2005

"Word of God Speak"

"I'm finding myself at a loss for words
And the funny thing is it's okay
The last thing is that I need to be heard
But to hear what You would say.

Word of God speak
Would You pour down like rain..."
Big Daddy Weave

Heard this song on the way home today. Sad thing is that I wish it was okay. I wish that I felt it was fine that I am at a loss for words. I just don't know what to say. I have found myself wanting to bow down to Him and beg Him to help me understand.
Axiety has been grasping at me and pulling me so tight and holding me there that I am scared. I am sick to my stomach, dizzy and feel so lost.
I have noticed lately how many things are really out of my control. Being the control freak that I am, I find it hard to deal with. I want to reach out and just make things better but it isn't that simple. More and more lately I have felt that things were so far out of my reach and control that it isn't even funny. I want to fix situations, help people and solve the problems that make my heart ache. Yet I can't seem to do anything. It is not in my hands. The only thing that I can do is be there, provide my love and my support but it just doesn't seem like enough sometimes. If I could just heal and stop the pain, but that is not my area. That is in God's control. I think that I have let myself finally listen to God and what He is saying to me. He tells me that it is okay and that things are in His hands and that He is using me to spread His love. That is a pretty big honor in itself, which I feel so blessed to be apart of.
I start to think that it may not be for me to understand or comprehend but to just support and share my love and accept the love of others. When I deliver that love and accept that love I feel God's arms wrapped around me. I feel myself pulled into His safety then I find that I hope that it is what people feel like when I hug them. That they feel the warmth and the safety.
Letting the word of God speak is easy to do but so hard to hear and just relax and accept that He knows what we need right now. That we need His love. We need to accept His word.
"In the time of trouble He shall hide me." Ps. 27:5 When it is over He will bring me out.

I will send you into those lives in which I have hidden people. You are sent with my love and are there to provide that love.

That is what I feel like God is saying. Thank you God for such a wonderful gift of support.

I listened

So, I finally listened and acted out what was on my heart. For some reason I woke up the other morning and found myself reading some scriptures. Didn't know why I was reading these specific ones, but there I was reading it and not fully understanding.
I was telling them to someone and they told me that it was actually what they really needed to hear. Then I said how I wasn't sure why I felt like it needed to be shared but it did. I was actually told that it must have been from God. That God came through me to help me to give the word He wanted to send.
That is so cool.
I didn't really think much of it, thinking it was all about me. But when I was told this I realized how wrong I was. God was talking to me and I listened and in turn it helped someone else. So cool. I have never had that happen before but now I will never forget how proud I felt that God used me. That I listened to Him. That I helped someone and that made all the difference in my crazy little world.

Saturday, June 11, 2005

I don't know what to say

I feel lost for words today. Weird hey? But for some reason I want to sit here and write.
I can tell you about work.

A guy came in and bought a battery then like 20 minutes later he came in to return it. He said it was dead. I tested it and sure enough - nothing. Weird, a brand new battery. So I did his return and my boss actually got me to walk out to his van to make sure he was connecting it right. Man did the guy have a problem with that. He was arguing about the receipt with me and I kept telling him over and over that the piece of paper was his new warranty. He kept arguing. So finally I decided that this guy probably had a problem dealing with a female so I called my store manager over and when he came over all of a sudden the receipt was fine. Yeah - I bet.
So I went out to watch him connect the battery and it all went well. He told me that he needs the receipt for income tax purposes. I said you use this van for work? He said no but he is a trucker and he has to drive to his truck. I thought that was pretty interesting.
How many of us out there drive to work? Have to drive to work? So does that mean we can claim any purchases for our vehicle on our taxes? Man he found a way to screw the system.
I am getting so tired of the men that come into my work and think I don't know anything and will deliberately wait for my male co-workers to be finished and deal with them. Oh well, just brush it off. I love it when they yell at me too for something out of my control. I got pretty snark right back at this one guy because I was tired of him yelling at me and telling me how to do my job. I thought I would get in so much trouble but I didn't. My boss just rolled her eyes when the guy walked away. She must get it all the time too.

Friday, June 10, 2005

A Father's Love for His Child

Check out Scott's blog about his son graduating.
It made me smile and brought tears to my eyes. What a wonderful amount of love he has for his boys. I hope that I can learn from that.
Makes me think of how much God loves us so unconditionally and how He too will sit up to wait and tell us how proud He is of us and how much we matter.
Thanks Scott for the wonderful post. Thanks for the subtle reminder you gave me.


So after tossing and turning last night I finally fell asleep this morning. I had weird dreams all night but a good one this morning.
What I am getting at is this:
Why is it when we have bad dreams and we fall back asleep they pick up right where they left off. Yet when we have good dreams but wake up. Then when we go back to sleep it will never pick up where it left off.
I remember a few weeks ago, I think, I had a dream about having a dream. That was weird. In my dream I was actually telling myself to wake up. I have had that a few times. The dream is bad and in the midst of it I hear myself saying, "wake up, wake up." So weird.
Just some rambling here. I am trying to wake up....

Thursday, June 09, 2005

I don't think I posted this yet

I got this email from a dear friend back in March. I looked through my archives and don't think I have posted it yet. I was reading through my keepers and came across it. Something I would like to share.

15 Things You Probably Never Knew or Thought About
1. At least 5 people in this world love you so much they would die for you.
2. At least 15 people in this world love you in some way.
3. The only reason anyone would ever hate you is because they want to be just like you.
4. A smile from you can bring happiness to anyone, even if they don't like you.
5. Every night, SOMEONE thinks about you before they go to sleep.
6. You mean the world to someone.
7. If not for you, someone may not be living.
8. You are special and unique.
9. Someone that you don't even know exists loves you.
10. When you make the biggest mistake ever, something good comes from it.
11. When you think the world has turned its back on you, take a look: you most likely turned your back on the world.
12. When you think you have no chance of getting what you want, you probably won't get it, but if you believe in yourself, probably, sooner or later, you will get it.
13. Always remember the compliments you received. Forget about the rude remarks.
14. Always tell someone how you feel about them; you will feel much better when they know.
15. If you have a great friend, take the time to let them know that they are great.

A Minute
They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them, but then an entire life to forget them. Take the time... to live and love.

When I first got this email, to be honest I put it into my keepers after reading it; not really giving it a second thought. In my heart I didn't believe it. Didn't believe that people could love me this much and that I mattered this much to someone. Now I believe it. I am getting used to people caring about me and loving me. There was a reason why I kept it and now that I have read it again I am really glad I did. God sends us gentle reminders and for some reason today I happened to read this and get that reminder.

Wednesday, June 08, 2005

Okay, so I stole this...

From Nikki and Michelle. It does look like fun!

1. What time did you get up this morning? 7
2. Diamonds or pearls? Diamonds
3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema? The Last Crusade - it was confusing for me a bit but it was good.
4. What are your favorite TV shows? Well, we don't have cable anymore but when we did I liked: CSI, Extreme Makeover:Home edition, Alias
5. What did you have for breakfast? nothing
6. What is your middle name? Dawn. Yeah, yeah I know chuckle it all out now...
7. What is your favorite cuisine? Not sure
8. What foods do you dislike? anchovies
9. What is your favorite chip flavor? Ketchup
10. What is your favorite CD at the moment? right now it is "Here I am to Worship 2" the first disc.
11. What type of car do you drive? Chrysler Daytona, looks like crap (lack of paint) but it gets me from point A to point B (barely)
12. Favorite sandwich? I have to agree with Michelle on this one but I put on: Turkey, mayo, stuffing, salt and pepper and a little bit of cranberry sauce. YUMMY!!
13. What characteristic do you despise? Dishonesty, hatred and judging
14. Favorite item of clothing? Don't know if I really have ONE.
15. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation, where would you go? Australia or Scotland
16. What color is your bathroom? Beige (it's a rental - typical colors) with a green counter and a blue seat toilet cover with mat
17. Favorite brand of clothing? Used to be Gap. But they are too expensive. Now it is anything cute.
18. Where would you retire to? Not sure, maybe Osoyoos or one of my vacation destinations but I would have to be near the water
19. Favorite time of the day? Not any specific time. I really enjoy morning walks though and snuggle times with my husband :-)
20. What was your most memorable birthday? They were mostly typical I think. My one in Osoyoos was fun though
22. Favorite sport to watch? Hockey but I don't watch it all the time only occasionally. I have been banned because I get too involved, yelling at the TV and stuff
23. Who do you least expect to send this back to you? I'm not sending it onto anyone!?
24. Person you expect to send it back first? See previous question!
25. What fabric detergent do you use? No name. I am cheap. Tried Tide but it dulled some of my clothes
26. Coke or Pepsi? Neither really. Water or Ice Tea. I would drink either one though if I had to choose.
27. Favorite movie? My Girl and Pay it Forward. Also Miracle on 34th street (new one)
28. Are you a morning person or a night owl? Don't really know. One of my friends might be better to ask that question to, they have seen both sides.
29. What is your shoe size? 10
30. Do you have any pets? A calico cat, but she is nuts!!
31. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share with your family & friends? NO!!
32. What did you want to be when you were little? Teacher
33. What languages do you speak? English, and a little sign language. Wanting to learn Spanish though
34. What is your pet peeve? Lying (don't know if that is spelt in the right context) and judgment, name calling. Anything mean really.
I am adding one:
35. What is your favorite color(s)? Pink and blue

Had fun. Just had to do the questionnaire

Praise God

Well, after a momentarily freak out this morning, thanks Sue and Michelle for walking me through it both spiritually and mentally, I have calmed down.
I went to the doctors today and after almost a year of waiting I finally have some answers in regards to my shoulder. I have a tear in it. The sheath that connects the muscle to the shoulder is 16mm wide and I have a 4mm tear. The doctor injected some antisthetic and wants to see how it is in two days. So far it feels worse now. It felt a bit better at first now it just feels worse. In a month he wasn't to see me again and he might do a cortisone shot.
I freaked out this morning after my EMG because I didn't get any results. Then I was nervous that God would be like, "Fine then if you don't trust me then I will scrap all the plans I have for you in regards to your shoulder. You won't get any results." Yeah I got laughed at. It is not true but the human way helped me to think that it was.
On the way home I handed it to God and I told Him that I do trust Him and that I do love Him. I was sorry for doubting.
I know that it was definitely God that had a hand in it. Honestly, how else do you think you would be able to get into a specialist within two days notice and then able to work the other specialist around it? It definitely was a God thing. Once I let the rage and anger die down I was able to see that.
Thanks to everyone who prayed with me and for me. It worked. Now it is in God's hands and I am done.
Most of all Thank you God for the help and guiding me. I praise you Lord. Amen.

Tuesday, June 07, 2005


I hate it when I wake up with a headache first thing in the morning. Before you even roll out of bed you feel it then when you get up it is that much worse. It always freaks me out, just a bit, when I get them on the right side.
My dad's aneurysm was on the right, so was my uncle's and my cousins. The last time I had this start I ended up in the hospital getting tests.
Oh well, it's all good. It must just be a tension headache from my shoulder. Falling apart at 25.

Monday, June 06, 2005

Want a good laugh?

You may think that I am crazy but I still believe this deep down in my heart.
Yeah, yeah laugh all you want.
Here it is:

I was reading Michelle's blog and in it she mentioned a sun ray coming through the clouds. When I was little I used to always look at those sun rays and think that Angels were coming down to Earth on them. That was when I didn't even know God. I did the mistake of telling my mom that and she laughed. So people can laugh all they want but that is what I believed. Still do. Still think that it is God's hand and angels are coming down through His touch.

Tell me when you stop laughing....

Sunday, June 05, 2005

I need to be still.....

Today's sermon ended with a wonderful song.
A song that brought me to my knees. Some of the words were:

I need to be still and let God love me,
I need to be still and let God love me,
When this old world starts to push and shove me
I need to be still and let God love me.

I need to know the name of this song. I want to download it.

I was just saying to a friend earlier this week how I feel so lost sometimes. A few months ago things were bringing me to my knees. When I prayed, when I sung I just felt like dropping to my knees. It hadn't happened in a long time. I was missing it. I was missing the power I felt behind it. The power of God's touch. Then today... That song played and it hit right at my heart and I dropped to my knees. I didn't care who saw or who didn't. God saw.
That was a call for me. That is exactly what I need to do. I need to be still. I need to listen and open my heart to Him. When I start to get pushed around or flustered I need to learn to be still and stop and let Him love me. How many of us forget to do that? Just thinking of the song makes my heart tighten. Makes me long to do that. I need to stop. I need to listen. So hard sometimes.
It's funny how something so simple like a song will stop me to think. God's gentle reminder to me and to all of us.

6:16 pm

I know, I just blogged but here I am again. James and Michelle and I were all trying to find the song I mentioned (and James posted). I found it. I also found another song.
It is Called I leave the 99. He leaves the 90 and 9 to find the one. Not sure where it is in the bible, something I need to research but it really makes me proud to be His. He will leave the 99 to find me. He will leave the 99 to find you. Thanks Susan for reminding me in your sermon. God works in wonderful ways.
Wow, today is a day I have been wanting to experience for a while now. God answered. I feel Him so much, and the way I feel is so amazing. I feel so blessed to be His child.

Thank you Lord for the gentle reminders you give. Thank you.

Saturday, June 04, 2005

Love's touch

Sue's blog about reflection kind of hit home with me. How many of us out there truly long to be noticed, to be touched?
Longing for the touch of love. The kind that makes you feel that you are safe in their arms and your safe with one another. The kind that gives but doesn't cry out for attention or something in return. The kind of touch that lets you know that you are loved and you do matter.
I have been thinking back and wondering why I long for it. I think back about nightmares as a child and I wonder if I was consoled. I remember going to my moms door then telling her about the dream and she telling me that it is ok. That's it. I don't remember if she ever held me to go back to sleep or not. I remember standing there crying. I long so much for that touch yet when someone is sincere enough for the love then when I get it I wonder why. What did I do to deserve it? Then I realized that it is the touch that doesn't demand that I did or didn't do anything to deserve it. It is the touch that shows me that I am thought of. That I am safe.
I can remember having nightmares over the last few years and actually having someone to turn to, but I was afraid of waking him. One time it was so bad that I woke up gasping. Phil heard it and woke up asking what was wrong. I said that I had a really bad dream but not to worry about it, to go back to sleep. I felt him roll over towards me and embrace me. He played with my hair and I felt calm. I felt safe and fell back asleep knowing that it is ok.
Funny, how as humans we were designed for that touch. We were created to give and receive that touch. I can't believe it; that people love me and that they provide that love. They provide that touch just because I need it. A special friend that knows just when to pull you close. A special friend that knows when you want to hide but you just need to be held. Special friends that show me I am loved and acknowledged for who I am. The touch that reminds me that God is so much closer than I think. The touch that paralyzes me and I just give in to the comfort. When I cry and am upset or lost in the dark that is when I need it the most. I long for it. Sometimes I will get the hugs through email and even that makes me feel better. The type of hugs that hold me so close that I drop my arms and just cry and it is ok with them. It is ok to just let it out.
My dad died when I was young so I never got to experience being a "daddy's girl" or rushing to my dad's arms to be held and comforted. Then I started to think that even though I don't have a blood dad to run to I have my Father in Heaven. Which is so reassuring. I can run into His arms and be held and comforted by Him.
The touch of love is such a powerful gift and I am just so thankful that I have received it. I have received it's warmth, kindness and its embrace.

Curled in my Fathers arms

Closing my eyes i run to You.
I stop and sheepishly stand at the foot or Your throne
with my head bowed in shame and disgrace.
The tears flow freely down my face and onto the floor.
I am ashamed. Ashamed of the fear and the tears.
I feel Your hand under my chin as You gently
raise my eyes to meet with Yours.
You aren't mad, You are concerned and hurt for me.
Like a child i shake and cry uncontrollably.

You place Your hands under my arms and lift
me into Your lap with no hesitation.
Like i am as light as a feather.
I curl my legs into your lap and place my
head against Your chest and feel You breathe.
You talk to me, You soothe me and You let
me just sit there and cry into Your robe.
You hold me close and stroke my hair while
whispering to me how much You love me.
You whisper that You are proud of me.

I look into your eyes and sigh.
I tell you i love You and You smile.
I know You love me as i lay my head back
against Your chest and let myself be held.
I am curled in my Fathers arms and am safe
from all my harms and worries.
A place i feel comfortable and don't want
to ever forget as long as i live.

Thank you Father that you are there to provide the embraces that we need. Thank you for the special people who You brought into my life. Thank you that they love me and I beg that they know how much I love them.

Here are the pictures:

This is the reason why I am boycotting laundry, well at Michelle's house anyway.
I thought I would be nice and put a load of laundry in while Payton slept and Michelle was at the dentist. I put in a green rug with it and didn't even think about the white collar on this outfit or the white undershirt. Needless to say they are a green now......
I hung the rug to dry in the bathroom. Michelle went in there to get ready before bible study and I heard her call out, "hey my rug doesn't look as green."
Yeah, yeah, yeah......
I messed up.
I feel sooooo bad.

the collar on this shirt used to be white..... Posted by Hello

oops.. this shirt used to be white... Posted by Hello

Friday, June 03, 2005

Boycotting Laundry

More interesting stuff to come later. Wait until you see the pictures!!

Thursday, June 02, 2005

It's nights like this.....

where I feel so stupid and selfish just because I wish that Phil's hands were in good condition so that he can help me. My shoulder is so sore. I have been lifting heavy things all night.
It's ok. God will help me to heal, and Phil too.
I just feel so selfish though.....

Wednesday, June 01, 2005


I am venturing out here and am going to give a little bit of information about me that I don't think I have even sat down to think about.
I, like most people - I am sure, am not good at losing someone.
When I was five I lost my dad to a brain aneurysm. At about 8 I lost my grandpa. At about 10 my mom and step dad divorced. About seven years ago I lost a very dear friend to cancer.
The first three things that I listed were all before I came to God. The funny thing is that I didn't know Him but I knew of Him and I blamed Him. He took my dad away and I never got to know him. He took grandpa and He made my parents divorce. Since then I have obviously come to my senses that He doesn't do it to hurt us. It was their time. When I lost my friend it was the first time I didn't blame. I knew that it was ok.
Yet I have recently discovered that I have let these things rule my life. Not until very recently have I come to that conclusion. I am afraid. I have a friend that has cancer. Do I go to her? No. I withdrew from her. I know I will regret it and it makes me sick to my stomach but I let my own stubbornness and fear control me. Bad I know.
The biggest fear I have is losing my husband. I cry. I shake and I feel like I am going to get sick. My heart is aching for him right now. He works so hard, he is sick and he just doesn't slow down. He puts others needs before himself. I am so afraid that God may call Him home away from me before I am ready. I don't want Him to take away the best thing that He has ever given me. Phil isn't dying or anything. I am just tired of no answers from doctors. We have to force tests. I love this man with all my heart and just the thought of not having him in my life tears me up inside and visibly on the outside.
I think that this has all come to the surface because of the dreams, well nightmares really, that I have been having. Do I disregard them? No. I fear them and let them play on my heart and mind. Do I turn to God? Yes. I beg for Him to heal the people I love. I just don't know how to ask for it. Am I scared? Yes. Do I face it? No. I try to push it all away. I run from my friend but honestly one time it may be too late then what will I do?
God, What do I do? How do I just let the thoughts go and do what my heart is telling me.
I feel Him say, "Turn to me my child."

"but how? I don't know what to do."

"You are doing it right. Talk to me like anyone else. It is ok. Tell me your fears."

"But you already know them."

"Yes, but talk to me about them so that we can mend your heart together."

"Why are you doing this?"

"I am not. I am helping to open the doors that you are tired of fighting to keep closed. Remember that I am there every step of the way. I am here. I love you and I will not hurt you."

"I love you too, Father."

Don't ask me what that was all about. Just some things on my heart that make me feel really vulnerable. Things I need to get out.